I have fear right now… my heart has opened and allowed fear to sit in the palm of its delicate and gentle hands.

Fear of what, you may ask? Fear of failture. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of embarrassment. You know… the usual fears that we all experience.

But also, the fear of selling my talents to the world — of asking others to buy something created from my soul. And the fear of speaking up — of saying, “Hey world, look at what I’m doing!” And the fear of criticism which, to the tiny child that lives within, is just ultimate rejection and evidence of my inadequacy.

I’m also afraid I won’t get over my fear. That I’ll be paralyzed and rooted to these limiting beliefs for all of time. Unable to break free and make the leap into the wonderous unknown future.

Afraid that I’ll forever be compelled to play small, to stay small, and keep myself hidden from the world.

I’m afraid of the pain and disappointment I’ll feel if that happens. If I refuse to challenge my fear, to look it in the eyes and say, “Fuck you, fear. You control my life no longer.”

So, how do I throw down the gauntlet and break free of my fear? Do I challenge it to a dual, provoking it to draw its weapons and fire at me?

No, I don’t. If I face off against my fear in a swift competition to see whose weapon is drawn the quickest, one of us will get eviscerated. And that will be tragic for both of us.

If fear shoots first, I lose and fear wins. But if I shoot first and win, I also lose.

Because you see, fear isn’t a terrible monster, a sociopath out to manipulate me and murder my dreams. Oh no, not at all… it’s actually the very opposite. Fear is a valuable and loving travel companion on this journey through life.

Though it doesn’t always appear so, fear cares very much about me. Fear wants to see me safe and secure and happy. He wants to see me thrive in life and be my best self… on one condition.

Fear doesn’t want me to get hurt, to feel pain, or to fall down. He wants all those lovely things for me, so long as I don’t fail. Or get rejected. Or make a mistake. Because those things are hard and painful and scary.

See, fear is actually acting out of love for me. It’s a confused, unskilled, childish act, yes. But it’s done out of love, no less.

So the question that bears asking is, how do I thank fear for trying his best to keep me safe while asking him to step aside because my soul is saying, “It’s okay. I got this.”

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was just grumpy for no particular reason. Actually, it could have been because it was Monday… or because I went away for the weekend and was exhausted from the trip… or because my introvert, who spent a lovely 3.5 days with my boyfriend and my family, was screaming for some recovery time. Whatever… the reason isn’t important.

As they often do when I’m in a sour mood, my thoughts, feelings, and emotions ran amok. I contemplated where I was going with my life, cried because I didn’t know how to get there, and spent a good chunk of time just feeling sorry for myself. I wallowed in self pity because I felt lost in the world. I felt like I lost my direction in life, which of course led me to feeling worthless, vulnerable, confused, and angry because today, my life didn’t look like how I wanted it to. In essence, I held on for dear life and tried my best to ward off the existential anxiety attack I felt coming on.

At some point during the day, I started thinking about all the feelings I was experiencing and had a huge insight. I’d been here before — I’d felt lost in the world at other times in my life and had the same feelings of worthlessness, vulnerability, fear, and anger that my life didn’t look like how I wanted it to.

There were all the times I was dancing in high school and knew that my skill level didn’t compare to those of my peers, so I just knew my dreams of dancing professionally would never happen because I sucked. Period. End. Of. Sentence.

There was the time I graduated from college with a BFA in dance and absolutely zero work experience, so I took an entry-level administrative job in an industry I didn’t care about and stuck it out for 5 years because I didn’t know I could make a different choice in life.

There was the time I got fired from my job two weeks before I started grad school. Oh, and I had just purchased a brand new car with a lovely monthly payment that I was responsible for.

There was the time I unexpectedly got laid off from my job of 8 years, which was my anchor in life at that point and where I put about 95% of my energy in life.

Like I said, I’d been here before. Which means I’d come out of it before, too. I had moments in my life when I knew everything was falling apart, and moments when I realized everything would be alright as long as I just kept going.

I call those ‘butterfly moments’. Those times when you feel like your life is over and your world is coming to an end so you might as well give up now. But you don’t. You stick it out, keep pushing forward, and continue putting one foot in front of the other until you break through whatever was holding you back.

Like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly, we go through times of transition in our life. Unlike a caterpillar, we don’t just go through it once. For us, it is cyclical. We start as a caterpillar, munching on leaves and living a pretty small existence. Then when we know we’re ready for something more, we find ourselves in a dark place (our cocoon) that is helping us prepare for what is next in life. Next, we break free from the cocoon transformed into a beautiful creature soaring in the sky and letting our wings take us to places we never imagined. And then, because we’re human, we find that we get used to our new world and find that we want more, we go back to munching leaves and living a pretty small existence. Until we’re ready to transform again.

So next time you feel like darkness has fallen or you have lost your way, just remember that you’ve been here before and as long you just keep moving forward, you’ll eventually spread your wings and soar.

I put my greatest butterfly moments down below, if you want to read more. Or, check out more of my blog on www.joyful-coaching.com/blog.

My butterfly moments…

There were all the times I was dancing in high school and knew that my skill level didn’t compare to those of my peers, so I just knew my dreams of dancing professionally would never happen because I sucked. Period. End of sentence. TRANSFORMATION: I studied dance at a top ranked college in California and earned a degree while studying the only thing I was passionate about at that time.

There was the time I graduated from college with a BFA in Dance and absolutely zero work experience, so I took an entry-level administrative job in an industry I didn’t care about and stuck it out for 5 years because I didn’t know I could make a different choice in life. TRANSFORMATION: I took night classes during those 5 years in a subject completely unrelated to my degree to obtain the pre-requisites needed to apply to grad school in Counseling.

There was the time I got fired from my job two weeks before I started grad school. Oh, and I had just bought a brand new car with a pretty monthly payment I was responsible for. TRANSFORMATION: I got a part-time job at a consulting firm that I ended up turning into a full-time career.

There was the time I unexpectedly got laid off from my job of 8 years, which was my anchor in life at that point and where I put about 95% of my energy in life. TRANSFORMATION: I took a risk and decided to work for myself, which expanded my job skills ten-fold, taught me how to manage my own business, and allowed me freedom in life to do what I wanted.

But first, here’s a little PSA about the Enneagram:

What is the Enneagram? Well, the Enneagram is a validated personality assessment tool that identifies 9 distinct personality types and the fundamental needs of each type. What do you mean by fundamental needs? It means the basic desires and basic fears of each type. In essence, the Enneagram helps us decode our own personal iOS so we can understand why we do the things we do!

And now, without further ado…
My TOP 7 FAVORITE THINGS about the Enneagram!

7. The Enneagram is easy to remember…

Well, easier than some things. I always swore I’d never be able to understand astrology because there are so many things to learn… I mean, there are 12 different signs for peet’s sake! And then you have to learn the ins and outs of each sign to really put it to good use. Plus then you need to learn the relationships between the signs… my memory just isn’t that good! But the Enneagram only has 9 types. That’s 3 fewer types than astrology!* And, the names of the 9 types totally describe the styles of each: The Reformer (type 1), The Helper (type 2), The Achiever (type 3), The Individualist (type 4), The Investigator (type 5), The Loyalist (type 6), The Enthusiast (type 7), The Challenger (type 8), and The Peacemaker (type 9). So that’s like a little cheat sheet for you right there in the name!

6. The Enneagram talks about behavior on a spectrum…

This is key for me. In the Enneagram world, behavior goes from Healthy –> Average –> Unhealthy. Behavior’s not a matter of black or white, good or bad, or all or nothing. It’s a question of, “How healthy is it?” Big shout out to anything that allows for shades of gray!

5. The Enneagram helps minimize shame…

This is related to #6 above. Every single type — all 9 of them — has healthy, average, and unhealthy behaviors. Wow, what a sense of sweet relief for those of us who take self-judgment to the extreme. The Enneagram’s model releases you from that self-critical purgatory. There’s no way to feel broken or defective when you can put your behaviors (even your Unhealthy ones) on a spectrum AND when you know everyone else has Average and Unhealthy behaviors, too!

4. The Enneagram gives you knowledge… and knowledge is power!

The Enneagram tool is designed to give you maximum self-awareness! It takes you on a deep dive into self-inquiry and introspection to help you really (really) understand yourself. The clutch component is the fundamental needs — what your dominant type’s most basic desires and basic fears are. It helps you understand what your type wants most out of anything in the world (mine’s to be loved) and what scares your type senseless (mine’s rejection), which is usually the basis for our Unhealthy reactions (FYI I’m a type 2 [the Helper], which is the relationship-oriented personality. Learning the Enneagram helped me understand why relationships are so important to me, why I feel good about myself when I can help people, and why I can lose myself trying to get people to like me if I’m not careful). If you are truthful with yourself, you can usually figure out how these two things factor into how you live your life too.

3. The Enneagram isn’t about changing who you are…

The purpose of the Enneagram isn’t to change who you are. It’s to help you live at the Healthy end of your type’s spectrum as much as possible. It empowers you with self-awareness, which gives you access to choice so you can live your life in an intentional, authentic, and purposeful way. It helps you know what makes you tick, empowers you to be authentic to your true nature, and teaches you how to stop those pesky automatic reactions you (and I) have that don’t help you (or me) move forward in life.

2. The Enneagram helps you learn how to play nice with others…

More than any other personality tool I’ve worked with (and I’ve worked with a lot), the Enneagram gives you details that really crack open the different personalities that exist. And once you know what makes a type 6 different from a type 7, or why a type 1 might have some challenges with rigidity, or that a type 9 may avoid conflict, then you can start to understand what makes people tick! Of course, you shouldn’t just guess as someone’s type. It’s important that they take the test for themselves. But when you do know someone’s dominant type, you can use that information to relate better to them.

1. The Enneagram explains the WHY…

The Enneagram helps explain the why in your life. Why do you have certain relationship patterns? Why are you more drawn to do certain things? Why have you always preferred this and not that?Why do you like structure and stability? Or even, why do you HATE structure and stability? Once you know which one is your most dominant type, the Enneagram type descriptions help answer tons of things you’ve always wondered about yourself.

So there you have it… these are my TOP 7 REASONS why the Enneagram is my most favorite self-development tool in the world! If this post struck your fancy, shoot me an email and let’s chat about the Enneagram! If you want to learn more about the model and take an assessment to learn your type, check out The Enneagram Institute, my go-to place for anything Enneagram related. And when you do learn what your type is, let me know and we’ll find time to get together and dive into the details! In the meantime, thanks for reading!

*This post is not intending to bash or disrespect astrology or Myers-Briggs in any way. The author of this post is a big fan of both systems and only wishes she knew more about each.