I sit here on this veranda and contemplate how I ended up here. It is a story of a heroine. A story with a happy ending. A young man from the wait staff asks me in spanglish “are you here solo”, I say “yes”. He says, “but why you are so beautiful? You should not be lonely”. I blush and thank them but politely correct him and say, “I am alone… But I am not lonely”. I’m not sure the difference was caught in translation. All the better. The sweet sympathetic smiles are warming to my heart. They make me feel like they are looking out for me. They have my back.

I came on this trip to learn to focus on the qualities I love about myself. Self love is one of the most important and overly desensitized aspects of life. Often you are thought to be selfish if you treat yourself to nice things or you are focused on yourself. But even in the Bible it says “love your brother as you love yourself”. The love of self must come first. That is what this trip is about, and really any project or endeavor I take on. Loving myself fully so that when I meet a man I am prepared to love, I have a true benchmark.

Taking all this in by full measure. I look out into the horizon. Aqua majesty as far as the eye can see. All that exists is this moment. The beauty of which my eyes have seen and my heart has felt stir a gratitude that is palpable and real.

You give me the shakes… I feel like I have made a terrible mistake.

My body jerks in a visceral motion.

No one has ever had this affect on me… No one.

My mind is cloudy and my eyes are low.

My thoughts swing back and forth, to and fro.

I wish I knew how to get this symphony of confusion to stop.

But instead i just sit here and stare at the clock.

Hoping that someone or something might save me one day.

But I realize that no help is coming… So I better be on my way.

The Tide

Sometimes in life you embark on an adventure and you have no idea what to expect. You envision your journey to go one way and you are either pleasantly surprised, or heartbreakingly disappointed. Such is life. I am finding more and more that it is like a wave. Fighting against the tide only brings stress to your mind and body. The ocean does not care either way.

Surrender has been a principle I have been focusing on lately but honestly I have been wrestling with it all my life. The ever illusive guise of control. It is hard to unlearn something when it is deep within your bones. When your instinct for survival takes over all your senses, and the ego is in charge. It is hard to unlearn when you have so many scars.

I am noticing more and more a common condition around me. The intangible and sometimes unrecognizable need to fit in with community. If someone feels out of place or does nor fit into certain customs or norms they become agitated. I am sure sociology has named this as a specific condition of which the definition escapes me.

And yet here I am. Resolute in my desire to sink into life. The more experienced I become at living. The more time I spend living in my own skin. The less fucks I give about conforming to my surroundings. I have learned how to be comfortable with discomfort. This has been the major key to my personal development. Because the discomfort if you really think about it is an illusion. It’s not real. It doesn’t mean anything. The only meaning that twinge of pain has, is the one you assign to it. So just assign a different meaning. Problem solved. The populous as a whole will be none the wiser and you will be at peace.

Being comfortable with discomfort has opened so many doors for me. I have gained much more by adopting this theory then I could ever lose. I find myself facing circumstances boldly and with confidence which gives me so much more power. Don’t get me wrong. My old habits are always there but I make a conscious decision to choose myself in every situation.

In Hamlet, Shakespeare wrote the famous words, “To thine own self be true”. At its surface the verse feels self centered, but Shakespeare goes on to say, “then thou can be false to no other man”. You see, by honoring yourself you are serving others.