Let Me start with a confession: Twenty years ago, when My play partner nervously presented Me with a small locked device and an even smaller key, I laughed. Not out of mockery, but pure bewilderment. “You want Me to… what? Hold onto this? For how long?”

Up until that point I had only heard of chastity through religious purity tests and for couples who were rebuilding infidelity broken trust. But I had never seen a device, nor been asked to be the “Keyholder” of one.

Fast forward two decades, and I’ve guided hundreds of couples, singles, chastity curious, and lock lovers through Locktober and long-term chastity dynamics. I’ve witnessed transformations that would make a therapist jealous, collected enough stories to fill several books, and learned that what starts as a kinky experiment often becomes a profound exploration of trust, power, and what it means to be human.

Why Locktober? Why Now?

Every October, My inbox explodes. “Is this really a thing?” “How do we start?” “My partner thinks I’m insane.” Yes, Locktober is a REAL month-long chastity challenge that’s become something of a cultural phenomenon in certain circles. But here’s what most people don’t understand: it’s not really about the lock.

I remember Caleb, a corporate lawyer who came to Me a few years ago. Picture the most buttoned-up, straight-laced, type-A personality you can imagine. He’d been in therapy for stress management for years with minimal results. His wife Deidre was skeptical but willing to try anything. By day fifteen of their first d20domme guided Locktober, Caleb told Me something I’ll never forget: “For the first time in my adult life, I’m not trying to control everything. And somehow, I feel more in control than ever.”

That’s the paradox that hooks people.

This is where the primal brain meets modern life.

We live in a world that tells people, especially men, to be constantly ready, always aggressive, perpetually dominant. It’s exhausting. Chastity flips that script entirely. There’s something deeply, almost primitively satisfying about surrendering that particular form of control to someone you trust.

From a biological standpoint, we’re playing with some of the most powerful neurochemistry in the human body. Anticipation releases dopamine → denial heightens sensitivity → sensitivity brings acute awareness. The dynamic creates an almost meditative focus that people spend thousands of dollars trying to achieve through apps and wellness retreats.

One participant, Jaleel, described it beautifully: “It’s like my brain finally shut up. That constant background noise of sexual distraction just…stopped. I could focus on her, on us, on actual intimacy instead of just the end goal.”

I call it ‘The Great Role Reversal’.

Here’s where it gets sociologically fascinating. In most heterosexual relationships, there’s still an unconscious script about male sexual entitlement and female gatekeeping. Chastity takes that script, crumples it up, and sets it on fire…and we like fire don’t we?

I worked with a throple where the woman, Faith, had spent fifteen years of marriage feeling like sex was something she “owed” her husband. The psychological weight of that had nearly destroyed their relationship. When they started exploring chastity, and adding a third, something shifted. Suddenly, sex wasn’t a debt or an obligation, it was a gift she chose to give, when and how she (and the third Keyholder!) wanted.

I never realized how much unconscious resentment I was carrying,” she told Me. “Now when we’re intimate, I’m actually present. I’m not thinking about whether I’m ‘doing enough’ or whether he’s satisfied. I’m the one deciding what happens, even if that means handing it off to our third Keyholder, and that’s made me want to engage more, not less.

Her husband Tomas added, with characteristic humor: “Turns out, the biggest turn-on isn’t having sex whenever I want. It’s seeing her genuinely excited about sex for the first time in years and handing my key to a tag team of women. Who knew?”

Power, Trust, and the Keyholder’s Journey

Let Me be brutally honest: being a Keyholder isn’t a power trip. Or rather, it shouldn’t be. I know online you may see lots of visual enticement touting that imagery to reinforce the notion. The first time I held that key, I felt the weight of responsibility more than power. This person was trusting Me with something incredibly vulnerable. I didn’t take it lightly. I immediately turned to the internet and kinky friends to hear real stories of chastity play. I read books, watched videos, attended out-of-state chastity focused groups and events. I “locked” in on knowing all I could about this strange, but very arousing kink and play.

If you’ve attended any of My chastity classes or workshops, you’ve heard Me say this: being a Keyholder isn’t about being lazy. This isn’t a TV-dinner, you’re not “setting and forgetting” (unless you’ve agreed to that!). But I’ve seen far too many Keyholders get excited or lure people into handing over their key, only to then, simply NOT engage with the locked individual. They are left stranded and ignored. And this really pisses Me off. It also really turns off beginners to chastity and is the number one valid reason I’ve seen for hesitancy on them ever trying chastity again.

In My opinion, good keyholding is like conducting an orchestra. You’re not just wielding power and waving your baton, you’re paying attention to every signal, every need, every shift in dynamics. You’re communicating constantly, checking in, adjusting. It’s intimate in ways that have nothing to do with sex, which is something that keeps drawing Me back to it year, after year, after year…if that doesn’t appeal to you, well, then maybe keyholding isn’t for you.

I once had a lockee tell Me he learned more about communication in six weeks of chastity than in five years of couples therapy. When you can’t fall back on physical intimacy to paper over relationship issues, you’re forced to actually talk. Revolutionary concept, right?

The comedy of errors (because it’s not always sexy)…

Let’s address the elephant in the room: chastity play is not always the smooth, erotic experience that fantasies promise. Sometimes it’s absurd, like comically absurd.

There was the time a couple called Me in a panic because they’d lost the key somewhere in their apartment. Not just misplaced, but lost lost. We spent three adrenaline filled hours on video chat while they tore apart every room, pillow by pillow, rug by rug. Did they find it? Yep, in the pocket of the jeans he’d worn two days earlier. The look on both their faces was pure sitcom gold and I didn’t bother to mute Myself as I laughed loudly at their perceived panicky predicament.

Or Abby, who locked her partner right before their anniversary vacation, only to realize she’d forgotten the keys at home. “We spent three days in Puerto Rico with him locked and me trying to pick the lock with a paperclip and YouTube tutorials. So much for romantic getaways.”

Then there’s the eternal struggle with airport security. Pro tip: TSA agents have seen it all, but you will still turn the color of a ripe tomato when the scanner beeps and you have to explain the source. Multiple people have told Me they now spring for TSA PreCheck specifically to avoid this conversation. If you really want to play the risky game of wearing it through security, at least buy some disposable, plastic locks that can be the l easily cut off with scissors.

What do participants actually learn?

Beyond the kink, beyond the chemistry, people report some genuinely transformative insights:

• Patience isn’t passive. One lockee described it as “aggressive patience”, which I took to mean the active choice to embrace anticipation rather than instant gratification. In our Amazon-Prime, instant-everything culture, I think that’s a radical act.
• Intimacy has layers. When penetrative sex is off the table, we rediscover everything else: touch, conversation, creativity, presence. Several participants told Me they experienced more physical intimacy during chastity than in years of “normal” sex life.
• Power is collaborative. The Keyholder can only hold power that’s freely given. That explicit consent, renegotiated constantly, creates a foundation of trust that extends far beyond the bedroom. That trust can be used to heighten other activities such as the mundane tasks to being paraded around in a CDNS environment.
• Your body isn’t your identity. Many people, men, especially, report a kind of freedom in temporarily setting aside the performance of expected roles/masculinity. “I didn’t realize how much mental energy I spent thinking about my dick,” one participant laughed. “Turns out, I’m still me without that constant background noise.”

Here’s what surprises people: both parties often report feeling more empowered, NOT less.

• For the locked partner, there’s freedom in surrender. No more performance anxiety. No more wondering if you’re wanted, are enough, lasting long enough, doing it right. The decision has been made, and there’s profound relief in that.
• For the Keyholder, there’s confidence that comes from being trusted so completely. Many people and women tell Me it awakened something they didn’t know was dormant, not cruelty or dominance in the stereotypical sense, but a kind of assured, playful authority they’d never felt permission to express for a variety of reasons.

“I spent my whole life being ‘nice,’” one Peruvian Keyholder told Me. “Chastity gave me permission to be demanding. To center my pleasure. To say ‘not yet’ without guilt. It sounds small, but it changed how I move through the world.”

Should you try it?

After twenty years, here’s My advice: if you’re curious, start small. Try an evening. A weekend. A week. See how it feels. Communicate obsessively. Research. Shop for low cost devices. And laugh at the awkward parts because there will be awkward parts.

Locktober isn’t about lasting the full thirty-one days (though it’s fun to try). It’s about exploring a different dynamic, trying on different roles, seeing what resonates. Some people do it once and decide it’s not for them. Others find it opens a door they didn’t know existed (like Me!).

The magic isn’t in the device or the duration. It’s in the trust, the communication, the willingness to be vulnerable and try something outside the script society handed you and may be force feeding you at this very moment.

And who knows? You might discover, like Caleb the lawyer or Faith the reluctant spouse, that the key to better intimacy was holding a key all along.

Twenty years in, I’m still learning. Every locked lovely I play with teaches Me something new about desire, about power, about what humans need to feel seen and safe and alive. Chastity play isn’t for everyone, and that’s perfectly fine. But for those willing to lean into the discomfort, the humor, and the profound intimate insight it offers, it can be genuinely transformative for opening your mind, maintaining focus, building dedication, achieving goals, and clearing the space to “just be”.

So whether you’re considering Locktober or just curious about the phenomenon, remember: the lock is just metal and plastic. The real adventure is what you discover when you stop focusing on the destination and start paying attention to everything else along the way.

And if you lose the key? Well, you’ll have a great story for your next kinky dinner party.

d20domme is an international BDSM Presenter and Lifestyle Femdom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon!

For some people, it’s flattering to be admired and imitated. Some of the most famous celebrities have their style, copied from one project to the next, and the kinky community is no different.

For others like myself, being copied can often feel like identity theft.

Just as you reading this, I am a unique person.

When I see someone blatantly online, in person, at work, within my friend group, etc. start to dress, talk, attend the same events, join the same groups, and try to style themselves like me, it feels like the other person is trying to rob me of what makes me, me. I believe although initially flattering, this compulsion to imitate can feel aggressive. If you scratch the surface, it feels like an insidious kind of envy; especially in the worst case scenario: That the other person not only wants to imitate you, but replace you, too. Which I’ve seen attempted in previous polyamory dynamics I was a part of.

Imitation ≠ highest form of flattery

This has been happening to me all my life. And I recognize that as a public facing kinkster and presenter, there will be elements of my self expression that resonate with others. I’m counting on it. That’s how I craft my classes and workshops, to ease into familiarity for greater personal knowledge expansion. I show my true self in the hopes that it will stir something in others to build upon their own true selves from within. It’s a process and you will only cheat yourself when you attempt to skip the steps of self discovery and set your sights on imitation.

It’s not always nefarious. Positive copying is fairly commonplace, and it can be quite flattering. In these cases, you won’t feel harmed or threatened by this copying, though it may get a bit awkward every now and then. A positive copycat may:

• Ask you where you got an outfit they love and then buy it — but just for one outfit
• Look up to your work ethic and attempt to take pointers from you
• Mirror your body language in an effort to be friendly or get to know you
• Attempt to get on your good side by doing similar things to you
• Openly say they are copying a minor aspect about you
• Buy a product that you have recommended or spoken highly of

These are all nice enough with good intentions and often, you are made aware of the intentions.

If you think about it, from an early age, we all learn through various sources. At times, we learned through imitation and other times experimentation. In the absence of any other information, humans tend to estimate the value of something by being aware of the demand for it. This is basic economics. I could delve even deeper to look at our brain and how it works, especially in a group (ancestors, family bond, a community, an organization). But to keep things simple, let’s see why someone might feel the need to imitate/negatively copy.

The negative copycat

If you have achieved a great deal in life, you will meet many people who praise, admire, and recognize you. However, you will also meet copycats who have no idea of their own potential. Their objective is to copy your ideas, devalue your achievements and sometimes, try to put you down. If you have encountered such people, you should be very cautious and understand they may be negatively copying because…

1. They lack motivation. People may copy you if they lack the motivation to come up with their own ideas. Some people may not be as creatively in tune with themselves as others, so copying is a form of them figuring their own style out. While it may be annoying, they may copy you unknowingly.
2. They are bored/boring. People may copy you because they are bored. If they have nothing better to do, they might even think it is funny to copy you. Of course, this form of copying is likely irritating on your end. It gives them excitement in their life that might otherwise go misplaced. Research shows that people who possess stereotypically boring features are perceived as both less interpersonally warm and less competent, and they elicit social avoidance by others, so perhaps you are more interesting to them than themselves.
3. They are jealous or admire you. Some people can copy your ideas and plans because they are jealous of your achievements and developments. Other people copy you out of admiration. While this is a good approach, they are still copycats because they do not follow their own ideas nor become creative. It is not wrong to admire someone, their personality, or what they have achieved but copying them is.
   
   Did you know that extroverts are more likely to engage in positive copying than introverts? This is because they are often more sociable and recognize that imitating or mirroring you can help you feel more comfortable around them.
4. They are threatened by you. If you set goals and achieve them within your time frame, you will obviously threaten your competitors with your success. If you are in the same niche like being a kinkster, a Femdom, etc, you can find some people copying everything you do because they feel threatened. Remember, by copying what you are doing; they think they will succeed or surpass too. However, they forget that we are all different and cannot excel the same way.
5. They are obsessed (and can I blame them, have you met me?!). As you have already seen, copying is certainly not always endearing. Stalkers aren’t just people who are romantically or sexually interested in you. They can be anyone who develops an obsession with you. People are prone to obsession, and becoming obsessed with another person is not uncommon. Respect is one thing; idolization is different. People may copy you if they become obsessed with you. There is a line that can be crossed when it comes to someone copying the way you live, and such imitation can be dangerous.
6. They are insecure. People who are confident and strong set themselves apart from the crowd. However, those who have low self-esteem are insecure feel the need to copy others to be recognized. People who have no identity of their own tend to copy others to be recognized.
   
   Psychologically, we would describe this type of personality, especially if it happens too intensely and frequently, as the type of person who has no sense of self. This lack of self prompts them to mimic or try to become exactly like someone else. Being around this kind of grossly insecure person, can understandably feel unsettling.

Not only is this copying very creepy, but it’s also usually insulting and can rob you of any feeling of individuality.

Femme-fatality

I don’t know if this an inherently female-identified issue but that is where I’ve encountered it the most. I really want to tell you that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

If you think I have the life you want, you’re only looking at it from a two-dimensional perspective. You may think I’m successful because I have the jobs and 24/7 lifestyle you want, but, in reality, I’m not sure you want to live my lifestyle. I live a fast-paced life that is stressful in nature. Can you function regularly off five hours of sleep? Do you enjoy meeting lots of new people each month? Are persistent looming deadlines your jam? What about managing multiple adults under one roof?

With that being said, I want to tell you that we all have our own goals in life. You thinking I have the ideal life doesn’t mean it is the ideal life. It may not be the best way to live according to your situation, and it may not be flexible enough. We all have our own priorities, which means the way I live and the jobs I have are only the results of my situation. But your challenges are different from mine, which means there are better solutions that are more catered to you.

And, just like you, I have my own insecurities.

Be mindful, and please pay attention to your interactions with others and remember that any one of the above things can put you on the outskirts of female companionship. Sure, it’s great to take inspiration from others. But, in the end, you know yourself best and that’s what you should be building from.

Want to approach the topic with the offender?

I don’t have the patience to have these types of conversations anymore, so nowadays, I generally will remove this person from my sphere of awareness and terminate contact.

There’s only so much other people can copy from me. At some point, the copycats won’t be able to imitate how I speak, how I present, how I care for my submissives or show up in my community, or how I infuse my values in what I do and offer.

So I always ask myself if it’s worth my time and energy when choosing how to respond.

On the other hand if you feel like you have the emotional bandwidth and this person is important to you. You could say something like…

Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you’ve been [wearing/buying a lot of the same things, joining all the groups I’m in, using verbiage you picked up from me, trying to model your lifestyle after mine, etc] and I don’t feel safe. Sometimes it’s okay, but the whole point of these things is to highlight your own unique personality. This can’t happen if you’re trying to do everything I’m doing! Is this something you aware of?

This will open it up as a conversation — but brace for impact — be prepared to receive defensiveness and for your friend to be in denial.

In some cases it’s developmental, people go through phases on the way to developing their own sense of who they are and who they want to be. But if it lasts too long, it can also be a sign that a person is missing a core sense of who they are, and they are trying to act as if they’re someone else in order to feel less empty and vacant, emotionally.

Sometimes handling this type of situation non-verbally is the best way to protect someone’s feelings. Mostly because, you must realize the type of person who’s prone to this behavior is most likely suffering from extreme insecurity — low to no self-esteem — and is having a hard time trusting their own instincts. It’s an inferiority complex in action. This is why I often don’t verbally broach this anymore, as I do have a viper tongue when I feel like someone is negatively copying me and I will inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings.

Instead point out what you like about their personality, especially when it departs from your own. Be less revealing around them, in general. Keep some of your preferences, style ideas, groups, big changes, and choices to yourself, for a period of time. Perhaps this will help them look to themselves or others for inspiration; instead of just copying you.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself when copying behavior occurs. You have the right to your individuality, and it’s okay to tell someone they infringe on it. Also understand, people are people.

Keep taking up space

I learned years ago to not let negative copycats dim my light. Even if they’re implementing the same ideas as me or doing the very same things, offering the same classes — I. Keep. Showing. Up. The truth is that some people will prefer to hear me and work with me or read from me rather than with someone else.

I know I have other attributes that nobody else can copy. Maybe it’s the stories I tell, or how my eyes twinkle when I speak about my boys, or maybe it’s the format of my classes, or my sense of kinky fashion, or how I approach other kinksters in group settings. Whatever that is, I keep showing up and allow my dream lifestyle to flourish for those I trust and experience what only I have to offer.

I hope the above helps you to reframe and think and act in healthier ways. Copying doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be sweet and thoughtful, it can be exciting and flattering, and it can be friendly and bond-building. But it can also be disruptive, harmful, condescending, and uncomfortable. While we can’t control how people treat us, we can make decisions about who we decide to interact with based on how we feel around others.

d20domme is an international BDSM Presenter and Lifestyle Femdom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon!

It’s that time of year again…

It’s LOCK-FRIGGIN-TOBER!!
*clears throat*

Apologies. As you all may know, I am obsessed with a chastity play. I am a bit fanatical with chastity play. 95% of the partners I’ve played with and had serve Me over the years, were required to enforced chastity in some way or another. So factor that into your odds before approaching Me for serving. I also have written about the topic quite a few times over the years; from its history, to the in depth benefits.

People enjoy chastity play for various reasons

Foremost, the excitement of relinquishing control and the heightened sense of anticipation it creates. The psychological aspect of submission and denial often amplifies arousal, building mental and emotional intensity. For some, the experience is empowering, as it tests their willpower and discipline. My favorite ways to push the edges of physical boundaries!

Others find satisfaction in the dynamics of power exchange, deepening the connection between partners.

As an experienced Keyholder

I directly experience and get kink-punch-drunk off a sense of control, power, and trust. The chastity dynamic allows Me to dictate when, or if, My locked toy is allowed release, thus creating a deep bond of mutual consent and vulnerability. For some, it enhances intimacy and communication as the Keyholder navigates the needs and boundaries of consensual locked slut. It can also be sexually exciting, as we both usually enjoy the psychological aspects of Dominance and teasing. My role as a Keyholder is central to the experience, fostering fetish exploration, connection, mutual gratification and heightened anticipation.

Locktober specifically adds a communal element, where participants can share their experiences and engage in a larger kink culture celebration — this year I am happy to share a personal record for Me.

I will be holding 50 keys, a mix of virtual and in-person chastity goobers have entrusted themselves to My pervy, Domineering whims. Oh what fun we are going to have!

Chastity safety is paramount when entering into this popular kink

Before you go diving in lock first, take a beat. Whether as a Keyholder, or chastity wearer, you must learn dangers to watch out for, what pain is acceptable, and which is a health concern. Plus, you must know general chastity safety, like rules and how to have comfortable experience. Let Me as an elder Keyholder share some chastity safety tips about how to be chaste and comfy.

Here’s d20domme’s Top 10 Chastity Safety Tips

All of these have been tested firsthand by Myself and the many lucky chaste treasures I’ve had over the years. Let’s make your Locktober (or any chastity) experience the best it can be!

1. Size matters! Have you measured for a good fit? Measure again! If you’re looking for a custom cage, you want to be as precise as possible. This is a helpful guide for measuring your outie bits or this guide for innie bits.

Your chastity device needs to fit just as nicely as a custom piece of clothing should. Overly tight? Too loose? Both of these will be quite uncomfortable to wear beyond a testing wear. This could also cause an injury. The best option is a chastity device that fits snugly and doesn’t cause unnecessary discomfort.

2. You are Chastity Cinderella. Be open to testing different chastity styles and materials. There’s all types, partially open, completely hidden, steel, silicone, and more.

• Silicone devices are fairly flexible which lends to be very comfortable, especially for beginners. Despite being hypoallergenic, you still should clean these with a keen eye since it’s a porous material. Due to the wide availability these devices means there’s a range of colors and designs for your personal preference.
• Metal devices are durable, sleek, weighty, more constricting (due to material), temperature conductibility for sensory play, and known for their hygienic material which is easier to clean.
• Resin devices are a mix of the two previous materials. The unobtrusive weight of resin allows for flexibility and longer wear time. But much like silicone’s porosity, you’ll want to clean these rigorously.

Opt for ergonomic base ring designs. Many knockoff resin and plastic cages have a stress point that will break after wearing it for a while. When this happens, the jagged edges can scrape and cut the glans, or head. This can cause swelling that makes the little fella look like a sausage that’s been over stuffed at one end. It itches and burns and hurts like hell…you can’t pee straight.

Pretend you are Goldi-locks and you’re looking for something that’s ‘just right’ — don’t give up if the first, second, or even sixth device doesn’t fit perfectly.

3. Know how to put on a chastity device — try the stocking hack for penis insertion. Just clip the end off a pair of traditional women’s stockings (or a very thin pair of socks, I suppose) and place the stocking over the penis. Pull the stocking through the opening at the top of the cage as pictured below. There’s a video of the stocking method here.

4. Use water-based lube or baby oil when slipping on your chastity cage. These absorb into the skin. Avoid using oil or silicone-based lubes — they don’t absorb into the skin. Instead they sit on the surface, creating an ideal area for dirt, lint, and more to stick to you.

Using lube when you are new can make putting your cage on a lot easier. Make sure you don’t put on too much, as you don’t want your hands and the cage to be too slippery. Experiment with different types of lube to find out which one you prefer using the most.

I’ve heard good things about the new product from KINK3D called ‘Cage Cream’ that promises it was created to optimize for softness, longevity, and comfort around the ring. We’ve ordered the unscented one for this Locktober so stay tuned for My opinion.

5. New to cages? Please start slow. Lock up for a few hours at first at different times of the day (not all in one day) as our bodies can adjust differently depending on many factors such as activities (driving, exercising, etc). After you feel confident in your device for a few hours, you can cautiously increase to larger time slots (half days), then to full days (weekends?), and beyond. Learn your particular cage and its parts inside and out at this time.

The idea here is to not stress yourself out by trying to force yourself into cage time when it’s uncomfortable or before your body is ready. Be prepared for nighttime nuances to wake you up in the beginning. Try to get up, use the restroom, walk around, etc. and then go back to sleep if possible. The best way to acclimate to this is practice.

6. Keep the device clean and dry! Daily cleaning while showering is the best way to avoid undesirable effects such as smell, rashes, and minor to serious infections. Handheld shower heads are great for this and tub soaking helps with “tight” feelings. Wearing chastity “permanently”? Unless you have a custom cage designed for 24/7 no-escape wear, deep clean the cage device a minimum of once a week.

An antimicrobial product like Hibiclens removes the inevitable bodily grime and prevents bacteria from thriving in a moist, dark, space. We use a squeeze bottle with a long tip for cage cleaning — I recommend this medical syringe.

Don’t forget, if you can, a hair blower on low/cool will speed up the process to keep your cage dry. This includes sitting down to pee to allow it to drip longer — so your cage and junk stay clean and dry.

7. Speaking of cleanliness…closely trim or shave those short and curlies! How short? Depends if you want them gone, what your pain threshold is, whether pain is a “good” thing for you and so on. Waxing lasts longer and gives a smoother result but many people find the pain unbearable (or totally hot!). Plus the hair needs to grow back to a certain length before you can wax it again so for 3–4 weeks out of every six (give or take) you may look a bit messy.

Shaving has to be done more frequently, daily even, and it can take a while before your skin adapts to handle it. Some people will get a shaving rash at first if done too frequently and may also find the regrowth to be unbearably itchy but I think most people will adapt in due course depending on skin type, tolerance etc.

Besides the obvious ‘ouchie’ factore of getting caught in the device, it’ll make your junk “appear” bigger haha and some research shows that people who shave their pubes report greater sensation during play. Get some quick trimming tips here.

8. Swabs can be used in chastity play for hygiene purposes. Cotton swabs are great for quick clean-ups through holes and slits. Since chastity devices often cover or restrict access to intimate areas, regular cleaning becomes difficult. Using swabs, especially sterile or alcohol swabs, helps clean hard-to-reach areas beneath or around the device to prevent infections or skin irritation.

Swabs can also be used to apply soothing ointments or antibacterial solutions to ensure cleanliness and comfort while the device is worn for extended periods. Swirling swabs around the opening hole can help mitigate cleanliness. Again, maintaining hygiene in this way is essential for safe and healthy chastity play.

9. A spare key is NOT optional. Keeping a spare key during chastity play is mandatory/essential for safety and practicality. In case of emergencies, discomfort, or unexpected situations, having a backup key ensures that the device can be removed quickly and safely. It also prevents any panic or health risks that could arise from being unable to unlock the device in critical moments.

The spare key serves as a responsible way to engage in the experience while prioritizing well-being and trust between Keyholder and locked participant.

In my experience, even if you arrive at the ER wearing a chastity device, the hospital staff will prioritize your medical needs and safety. Depending on the situation, they may need to remove the device, particularly if it interferes with necessary medical care or poses a health risk. Medical professionals are trained to handle such situations discreetly and with respect for patient privacy. In some cases, they may use tools to remove the device if no key is available, ensuring your health and safety come first.

You thought chastity was a doozy? Don’t add a powered medical circular hand saw to the mix!

Solo locking? Use a timer lock or a lock box with a timer (to hold your key) during self-imposed chastity.

10. Watch out for a reduction or loss of blood flow. Remember I mentioned getting the correct size? A chastity cage that is too tight will restrict blood flow to your penis, and can cause you discomfort and pain while you wear it. Pay attention to how you feel while you are locked up, and be sure to examine your penis for temperature (unusually cool), discoloration (dark purple/blue, deep red) as this is one of the first signs of restricted blood flow.

Take off the cage immediately (!) if this happens as it is dangerous for you to keep using it, review your measurements and purchase a new chastity cage that will fit you properly. Repeated loss of blood flow could cause permanent nerve damage and impede normal functions.

Safety in chastity is crucial to prevent physical and emotional harm. Wearing a device restricts circulation, airflow, and movement, making hygiene, fit, and regular check-ins vital. Without proper safety measures, such as cleaning the device and keeping a spare key for emergencies, users risk infection, skin damage, or severe discomfort. Boundaries and communication are also key, especially in BDSM dynamics, to ensure mutual respect and care.

Although wearing a chastity cage is a pretty simple task, there are still precautions to follow before and after wearing them. Staying mindful of safety ensures that chastity play remains enjoyable and consensual, while minimizing risks. After My experiences holding over 180 keys, I am proud to say I’ve only had one safety scare, and it was due to an sneaky attempt to escape while locked…

So, please stay locked once you’re in, for safety of course….*wink*

Did you miss signing up for My Annual Locktober Chastity Challenge? That’s okay, you can still enjoy the fun by subscribing to My Patreon for the month. Chastity curious and lovers won’t be disappointed!

As a longtime advocate and participant of Locktober as a Keyholder (and self-locked one year, for science!), chastity isn’t new to me. The pros and cons aren’t at all hard to discern. However, when I first became aware of it, I only knew it from a vanilla context to rebuild trust after cheating. The more I researched and learned, the more I stepped fully into the founding reason I practice chastity on a regular basis and not just during #Locktober.

I was in the middle of giving a lecture on intimacy and surprised even myself with what I said. I didn’t plan to say it. I don’t even remember thinking it in those terms before, but the words just came into focus, and I said:

“If you use pornography excessively, your partner will become the least attractive person in your life. If you refuse it completely, your partner will be a Goddess.”

This won’t sit well with a lot of folks. What is considered pornography? How much is excessive? What do you have against unchaste males? Will it take long to see results? Am I addicted to porn? I don’t have those answers for you because some will vary based on your own unique situation and desires. What I do know is, your partner(s) will become an embodiment of amazing beauty, mystery, and fascination. In other words, you will appreciate who they really are.

This is because chastity works. Not just on a physical level, but on a human one.

In today’s world, I think knowing the human reasons to avoid compulsive pornography watching (and masturbation) are nearly as important as knowing the kinky reasons. Beyond the obvious power exchange happening, avoiding porn and/or using chastity can be used to:

• Reinforce D/s roles and dynamic
• Increase shared erotic pleasure
• Correct unwanted behavior (or reward good behavior) through sexual frustration
• Engage in extended Tease & Denial (T&D)
• Visually arouse or please
• Strengthen pelvic muscles
• Facilitate intense orgasms

For some of us, the kinky reasons may not be enough motivation to keep us disciplined. The potential harm to your sexual freedom can seem theoretical. Our culture so enthusiastically embraces compulsive pornography consumption and sex, so it is hard to feel like they can be a hindrance. You read that correctly, I believe in the remarkable concept that, giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender, and to surrender is to be truly free.

That is why it helps to understand how the sexually compulsive use of pornography and/or masturbation can affect us. Too much of a good thing can be “bad” in my opinion. In excess I believe that both can:

• Decrease relationship satisfaction (often cited as a big breakup reason)
• Negatively affect self-esteem
• Feed into fantasy scenarios that block real life opportunities
• Create space for “loneliness” if heavily reliant on digital content to secure arousal
• Build up distorted beliefs and perceptions about relationships and sexuality
• Erode a chance for strengthening self-discipline and self-control
• Lead to possibility of ‘habituation’ (the desire for novel stimuli)

This is because of both the biology and the energy of sex. Sexual intimacy creates chemical bonds between human bodies and brains, by releasing hormones that make sexual partners feel committed to each other. It also creates an energetic bond: Sex is the sacred unveiling of oneself to another — a sharing of one’s deepest self in which people are totally vulnerable to and accepting of each other.

Is porn addictive?

Without a doubt, the most active and controversial area of research on pornography today is whether or not porn can be addictive. News reports routinely use the language of sexual compulsion/addiction, describing ‘cravings’, ‘tolerance’, ‘need for more hits’ and ‘withdrawal’.

But we are still in the very early stages of understanding these processes on a neurobiological level. What we do know with porn is that there are some patterns that are consistent with a compulsion or addiction — but some that are not. We need much larger epidemiological studies to know for sure.

As of yet there are no officially recognized diagnostic criteria for ‘porn addiction’. Attempts to include ‘hypersexuality disorder’ in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) — the so-called ‘bible of psychiatry’– were unsuccessful due to a lack of clear and consistent evidence.

Even still, I believe the biological connection of real-life partners can get muddled with compulsive pornography and masturbation for some users. You know those men that become oddly bonded with porn stars they don’t know? This could point to a real chemical change within the brain due to a combination of things, with overindulgence among them.

Avoiding a slippery slope

Our biggest sexual organ rests between our ears. The brain is where we truly experience intimacy, pleasure, love, and satisfaction. But it is also where we create negative feelings, bad habits, destructive compulsions, and addictions. Compulsively viewing pornography and/or masturbating is a prime example.

Inside the human brain, there’s something called the “reward pathway.” Its job is to reward you when you do something that feels good by releasing pleasure chemicals. The problem is the reward pathway can be hijacked. The way that substances like cocaine and meth make users feel high is by forcing the reward pathway to release high levels of chemicals, porn does the exact same thing. The surge of chemicals pulsing through the brain creates new brain pathways that will lead the porn user back to the behavior that triggers the chemical release. The more the user watches porn, the deeper those pathways are wired into the brain.

Pornography attachment can be very strong because masturbation and orgasm produce a fireworks display of neurochemicals and repetition builds neural pathways to enable patterns of behavior. The episodes are even more enhanced with other feelings, including fear of getting caught, secrecy, novelty, and even shame or guilt. This chemical and hormonal explosion takes learning to a whole new level.

For me it harkens to the service, obedience, and devotion to me I desire. It would be like trying to be a good submissive boy and an avid porn consumer at the same time. You can’t fully give your sexual commitment to your Mistress while also giving it to your favorite website.

Lastly, in my Queendom, I feel excess pornography consumption saps the sub’s ability to show devotion to me properly for a simple mathematical reason…

The secret to happiness is serving others. In D/s, that means sustained attention. It means being present to the other, sharing in the details of the dynamic from day-to-day, and plans for the future. It means doing the things the dominant needs to have done and finding service things to do for your dominant that don’t need to be done.

That takes time. Any addiction makes that hard, but porn/masturbation addiction, which dominates the attention and wastes hours of time, hurts more than most. Sometimes it is done in hiding, and it involves an attitude shift. Serving your dominant at cost to yourself can make you a happier submissive. Pleasing yourself at the cost of your dominant leaves you depleted.

Porn as a pitstop

For most people, consuming porn will not cause them to view people differently. But in those who already are predisposed to certain mindsets or beliefs, porn can exacerbate pre-existing and dangerous propensities. In this way, it’s just like any other drug.

Alcohol, for example, is in many ways comparable to porn because it is ubiquitous, socially acceptable and legal.

For some people, alcohol can truly ruin their lives. But for others it can be mildly positive, such as providing stress relief or enhancing their sex lives. It depends on the cultural context — and the individual.

But can watching porn actually be beneficial to certain people? Of course! There is as much of a case to be made for the benefits as well as the harms. For example, porn can introduce viewers to new activities that can ‘spice things up’ in the bedroom. Erotica can have positive and negative effects, it’s about identifying for whom, and when.

But in my world, that means the Queen, Keyholder decides, and I’ll probably be much stricter than you ever imagined.

Have you missed me?

Have you survived? Thrived? Barely both? Hang in there, things are looking up in this crazy new world of ours.

While I am still taking a much needed break from fulltime kink, I can’t resist the subby siren call of Locktober. As you all know, Locktober is the most wonderful time of the year — willing chastity players delight as they lock away their ability to touch themselves and keyholders cheer with devious daydreams in their minds.

New to Locktober? Make sure to read my featured post on Medium about the history and general concept first. This year I am going to breakdown Locktober even further for those who have muddled it over for a year and are ready to take the first step into themed chastity play.

So…you might think ‘Gee d20, exactly what do I need for Locktober and I have questions about ____‘ Never fear, as your all-knowing friendly-ish neighborhood Femdom I’ve got you covered!

Why should I take part in Locktober?

If you’re interested in long term, controlled chastity play this is a good beginning. A lot of individuals use the tool of chastity to push themselves/open themselves to being guided further towards their chastity (or other!) goals. If you are someone who “has a problem with self gratification” Locktober could give you (and your poor genitals) a break from that habit. Plus Locktober is totally customized if you want it to be — 31 days is a nice goal but it’s not the only marker of success.

But Mistress masturbation is good for you…

Haha, yes many boys have showered me with their research about the benefits of touching their pathetic cocks and while there is merit within that…it’s only 31 days. You won’t die — that’s my scientific researched opinion guess after over 100 keys I’ve held, we have had not a single death linked to not being able to jerk off. I’ve got a perfect record haha. What did slowly die? Their will to think about their dicks 19, yes 19, times a day.

However, I do know that research shows that masturbation, as well as other sexual activities leading to sexual pleasure or orgasm, trigger the release of hormones and chemicals involved in the brain’s pleasure-reward center. Masturbation causes dopamine, a chemical associated with pleasure, to be released into your body. Simply put, dopamine makes you feel good and puts you in a better mood. On top of that, the hormone oxytocin, which is released during orgasm, lowers cortisol levels. Cortisol is a main stress hormone, and is usually present in high levels in stressed out people. Touching yourself and climaxing can boost these chemicals and, in result, help you feel more at peace. I get it, I do.

But this month isn’t about that. You have 11 more months to enjoy all of that, so why not try something different?

So you think masturbation is bad?

While most people experience positive effects from masturbating, this is not true for everyone.

Some may be morally or religiously opposed to masturbation and feel guilty or shameful for engaging in masturbation or even thinking about it. Excessive masturbation can also cause physical problems such as irritated or broken skin, swelling of the genitals, prolonged desensitization, and cramps.

Masturbation is also difficult for some people to engage in positively, especially in those with sexual dysfunction or a history of abuse. These people may find it very embarrassing or even distressing to engage in masturbation. All of this is to say, I can support a purposeful healthy sexual balance.

What are the effects experienced during Locktober?

Although you will be hesitant at first, the idea of male chastity may help you see a more sexual side of your partner or keyholder. Are they not as interested in sex as much as she used to be? This may all change once she holds the literal keys to your chastity cage. Personally I find an increase in my sex drive is derived from my emotional knowing that I will have complete control of your sexuality. This can drive most any keyholder wild with passion. (I know it does me!)

What what about *me*…what do I get from it?

You? Ah yes, how could I forget…well you get attention to your piteous penis. You get the care and effort put into the act of watching over your pleasure. Have you ever paid close attention to someone’s sexual energy for entire month every day? Doubtful.

But more importantly what I have found over the years is when boys are in chastity, they become more energetic. After an orgasm, a man gets tired and lazy. When he is not able to orgasm, it builds up that energy. Over a period of time with no release, you typically learn other ways of releasing that energy. That means more energy for chores around the house, attention to the keyholder’s needs, a new hobby, even a healthier sex life. Even though a man may not be having orgasms as often, he would be giving them to his significant other more often, mixed with exercise and house chores, making a stronger and healthier relationship.

Can I do Locktober alone or do I have to have a partner/Mistress/keyholder?

You can absolutely practice solo Locktober and chastity play. It will build willpower and discipline on your own time. Now, when you do have a willing participant, you’re all ready to get started — right out of the box, no batteries needed.

Okay fine, you’ve convinced me, where should I start?

I knew you would eventually come to see it my way. The great thing about Locktober and chastity play in general is that you don’t need much. Here’s the starter kit to locking yourself up no matter the month.

• Lube — You will need a good lube for making getting in the cage easier. I suggest for beginners Baby Oil Gel with Aloe for getting into the cage and using on the rings as needed to curb (unwanted) discomfort.
• Anti-chafing cream — This will help you avoid rubbing against skin uncomfortably. I’ve used Body Glide with glowing results. Pro Tip: Avoid anti-chafing creams with artificial scents when possible
• Chastity cage — Obviously you’ll need something to lock that cock (or other) up nicely for the month Locktober. There’s a options from frugal to extravagant so here’s a couple mid-tier cages as you get familiar with what works for you. There’s the tried and tested polycarbonate CB-6000, a silicone cage called Truly, Madly, Kinky, or the Steel HoD S70 (I like this one because I can’t see the thing I’m locking away inside. And let’s not forget about chastity belts for those without pointy bits. The materials you should be aiming for are medical grade stainless steel, titanium, polycarbonate plastic, or 100% silicone.
• K̶e̶y̶s̶

And also, here are five things you should to know about yourself before even considering Locktober or chastity play:

1. How big are you when excited and relaxed?
2. What is the total circumference of your bits, before and after release?
3. Do you have a sexual stimulation tolerance level?
4. What will be the most accommodating clothing options for inside and outside the house?
5. When do you plan to be locked up? All day, only in the evenings, just when playing, etc? Pro tip: If you’re playing with someone don’t forget this important question

Make sure you “know thy cock” before you lock yourself away. Cock cage ownership and/or use is a big responsibility with even bigger benefits. I find that sometimes just being told what to do doesn’t have the same effectiveness as male chastity training can.

d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles Educator and lifestyle Femdom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.

Tis the season…For disaster? For long distance trips? Putting up with family members you only see once a year?

No, not those things (though they certainly don’t help), I mean the very hectic and stressful Polyday Season™. The time of the year where I consider just signing out of Google Calendar and letting it all go.

But that’s not possible. Oh no, not with a polycule. We all know everyone celebrates their holidays differently. But how do you fairly (as possible) celebrate it with multiple partners?

This is my ‘cheer’ face

It’s that time of the year we all love to hate but some of us genuinely do love the holiday season. And hooray for them. You know the ones: aptly festive sweaters and accessories, overly cheerful holiday song humming, hand wrapped ribbon, color coded gift tags, early coordinated holiday photo postcards out just after turkey day? They were born ready for ’Tis The Season’ caroling and enjoy the ‘ challenge ‘ of finding the perfect present for all.

I know that because I was one of these people not too many years ago. Slowly but surely I have been tugged into the tornado of what I call, the ‘Polyday Season’, it’s just like the classic holiday season but with at least 50% more chaos. Yay! Instead of worrying about who is attending your holiday party you have a whole new layer of concern.

Naughty, nice, and mindful…

• Should all partners attend the same gathering or go individually as a vanilla/mono presenting couple to one each?
• Presents? Is that for just your partner or their metamour as well? Have you discussed a reasonable budget?
• Who spends the ‘eve’ versus the actual day with whom?
• Are unsuspecting children involved? How do you sign the gifts?
• Is there any inter-faith rituals to be observed? If so, do they conflict with anyone else’s?
• What about traditions in general — how do you honor them respectfully?
• Does everyone want to participate in the holiday festivities? If so, at what level?
• Is this a rotation year and the holidays are being spent in a different place than last year? Or even with a different person? How should you explain this to family who saw _____ last year but won’t on this one?

Welcome to my Polyday Season ™

From the moment I was in more than one serious poly/monogamish relationship my entire state of awareness changes yearly from mid October to January. It isn’t something I had really given much thought beyond the first couple of years when I got into a rhythm but found even that rhythm always needs adjusting whenever new partners are included or old ones are no longer around. Sometimes it only needs adjusting because the holiday season zooms up to us and nearly passes because the year has been such a blur.

Each new shift within polyamory presents its own perspective and nuances. Depending on what my polycule has looked like over the years I have had to be flexible in not only my expectations but also execution. We used to have a planned rotation on holidays so that each year we can have a turn at the holidays according to each partner’s unique style. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve seem to our big ones. One year we decided to draw holidays out of a hat to decide who was in charge of organizing each one. A few years we have decided to treat ourselves and just say ‘fuck it’ doing whatever felt right. Recently, we even did three Christmases, in two different houses, with different partners, on the same day! Surprisingly, some years we have even managed to skip the dreaded Polyday Season all together!

( These might secretly be my favorite years haha)

The ‘gifts’ of presence and absence

Personally I value time and experiences over most tangible gifts (but hey, I still fall for the sparkly stuff every now and then). However this is the main reason I started asking past partners if they wanted to give/receive the gift of presence or absence.

What does that mean exactly? I know we all don’t have the same budgets. Sometimes it would mean more to me and/or a partner to just be present with each (in body) instead of a traditional wrapped present for the holidays When we do this it helps us focus on what really matters to us, whether that be spending the holiday binge-watching a favorite series, turning off electronics for 24 hours or more (this one is especially hard for me!), or just testing out all the new board games one of us had been waiting to play.

In terms of absence, I view this more as a hall pass for the holidays. Sometimes despite our best efforts and intentions we just can’t be in one, let alone three, places all at once. It’s important to be understanding when you’re in a poly dynamic that there will be times when your partner(s) just simply can’t be there for the holidays. Family, previous unpreventable obligations, social constraints, anxiety levels, or more are very real factors. It may even be you who can’t be there physically. This has been me on more than one occasion.

It’s imperative that you don’t make the absent partner(s) feel guilty about their absence, I assure you, they probably feel guilty enough without your added layer. Instead practice a new level of compassion and really put yourself in their shoes. Use this as an opportunity to express your feelings and if possible, make plans for a future holiday so that it can be planned accordingly. And when all else fails, include them via phone, video, or other virtual means. It really will be the thought that counts with this.

Surviving the poly pressure

All of my years of practicing some form of poly has given me a peek behind multiple curtains into what can make or break some during the Polyday Season. Here are my top three tips to ease the sometimes inevitable discomfort:

1. Make a plan…in advance. The key words here being ‘plan’ and ‘advance’. It’s easy to assume someone is going to be somewhere with you during the holidays, why wouldn’t they it’s your [insert assumed notion]. Never assume. Discuss, divide, and conquer the season like a poly-pro. Nothing ever got accomplished successfully without a plan. What should you include in your plan? Where you will be for which holidays, which ones are important (we rank them individually), who does or doesn’t want to travel, if family and/or friends will be involved, and what expectations everyone has. This is a good first step to making sure everyone is on the same page and will cut down on potential resentment building situations.
2. Be honest but be fair. Don’t tell your partner(s) that you “don’t care” where you/they will be when making the plan above. This laissez faire attitude has brewed a few mishaps during the holidays for me. Even if you feel unreasonable in your request to spend ________ with someone, it’s better that you put those words out in the open. When you withhold your true feelings from someone you’re in a relationship with, there’s bound to be miscommunication. And once you (or they) are honest about what they would like, the closer you come to making expectations and reality meet. You may have to compromise on the ‘eve’ of a holiday or share half a day but the important thing is everyone is doing their best and being honest with what they can and can’t do.
3. Try new ways. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of ‘We’ve always done it this way…’ even when bringing a new partner into the mix. This spells d-o-o-m. Don’t do this, no matter how tempting it is. You will want to show someone your way of doing the holidays. It’s natural. Instead, listen and really give their way, or a mash-up, of both ways a go. As I mentioned before, we change up the way we do holidays often. Sometimes we find something works for 2–4 years and then a flaw is revealed with it on the 5th go round. It’s okay. Change is good and can be a fun way to create new memories, traditions, and foster closeness in your own unique poly family.

It’s better now if you surrender to the idea that the Polyday Season may not go exactly as planned or as smoothly as you envisioned. Don’t fret. It may seem like a really big deal now, but, when the time has passed you’ll be able to look back and see how it was the perfect setting for inner and outer growth.

Talk with your partner(s) about any mixed emotions so they can be a support system. They may actually feel the same but kept a brave face for you and others. Whatever does (or doesn’t) happen, know that with the likes of Flag Day, Groundhog Day, April’s Fool, and more, you’ll have more chances to practice for the bigger Polyday Seasons ahead.

What really matters the most is that you have people to share these moments in time with.

Originally published at https://www.mundanetoms.com on December 13, 2019.

d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles & Sexuality Coach and real life Femdom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.

I know that sounds harsh and comes off as elitist but it’s my honest opinion. I don’t think you can be a good submissive or friend either if you fall under these circumstances.

I can’t take anyone serious who doesn’t have their shit together. Period.

I’ve mentioned before that dominants on the prowl whose lives are a mess really irk me. I know not everyone is/can participate in kink at the level I choose to. I’m not talking about the casual kinkster (i.e. only in the bedroom types). This is in reference to the kinksters who view this as a “lifestyle”and take it more seriously as a way of their living and attempt to embrace that.

Get your shit together.

As a Femdom who has painstakingly worked my way up in the community — unstableness bothers me. I take those I interact with very seriously. If you want me to “domme” you, I take that to mean you think I know better than you what you need even if only for a scene. For me BDSM is an immersive roleplay that we experience and the deeper into the role you get, the more real it feels to you. It might sound contradictory to say this is a lifestyle, but also roleplay, but please take it seriously.

Let me try and explain…

Currently I run into a number of “Femdoms” new and old to the scene that just use people. That’s what they do. That’s their goal. That’s their sole purpose in the community.

“I require escorting to this event” usually means “I don’t have a ride or car.“

“Service subs only” is a hint that says “Free labor wanted.”

“I expect to be spoiled” always is code for “Buy me things!“.

“You will obey me always” translates to “Don’t question my mistakes.“

An Amazon Wishlist on your profile, especially ones with items to furnish your home on them, screams you’re more about taking than giving/teaching/growing. You see other individuals as a means to get material, financial, [insert a tangible desire you can’t obtain on your own] things.

This is insulting to me as someone who believes in the safety and security of all involved in any play. I’ve taken countless classes on the psychology that is BDSM, attended many demo workshops, learned CPR, try to remain a responsible and clear leader, honed my communication styles, and researched the details in controlling and caring for another adult and beyond. In my opinion if you need someone to buy you things, drive you around, and never worry about their well being — aren’t you essentially submissive to that person and their ability to keep you afloat?

Wouldn’t this be, the technical term of topping from the bottom?

Don’t misunderstand, there’s nothing wrong with that if you’re both in agreement that’s what is happening. The instances I am referring to always include a Disposable Dominant™. That’s what I’ve described above.

What’s a Disposable Domme™? And are you or have you encountered a Disposable Domme™?

This is a dominant who doesn’t bring much to the table skill or experience wise…

If they do there’s probably a hidden fee you’re being asked to pay. Whether that’s you buy drinks, you drive for the evening, or even if you purchase something for the evening that you may only get use out of once but they enjoy it for many times to come.

When you attempt to verify their talents you will run into subs who can no longer vouch for them or lots of “friends” who are the same type of person as they are

Wanna know where they live or at least share equal vanilla information? Probably not gonna happen.

A Disposable Domme™ doesn’t care that you want to get to know them. They don’t want to get to know you and would prefer no one get to know them. They hide behind custom latex and expensive heels. They love talking about safety but surround themselves with people who don’t play safely and fail to hold up a mirror when they do make an error in judgement. And most of all they do not like to be questioned and get frustrated when you do so.

If this sounds like a dominant you’re playing with that you’ve been feeling on the fence about, I ask that you recycle your Disposable Domme™ in hopes that they can find themselves once again in a position to become self-reflective. I know it’s a long shot but if this saves at least one submissive the time they would’ve wasted on an unsafe domme or one domme who recognizes these traits and vows to try and do better, then I’ve done all I hoped.

d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles & Sexuality Coach and real life FemDom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.

It varies greatly when we get to the specific types of dominants that are desired within the community. That’s why regardless if you’re the one spanking or being spanked, you should do your utmost to create a trusted wheelhouse of inner qualities. In case no one has said it to you plainly, know this:

Being a submissive/bottom is very dangerous.

There’s no other way to view it. In that role, one is expected to discuss limits, agree on a safeword and, then…trust the person they are playing with to follow through. All while usually, in a fairly compromising situationship. Gagged…hogtied…restrained…restricted…it can be hard to give up control even when you want to feel so controlled.

Submissives aren’t toys

I’m not talking about the endearing (and incredibly sexy!) act of calling someone your ‘toy’. I’m talking more along the lines of treating a very vulnerable human, like an actual toy.

Toys can be broken and put back together. They are designed to be “played” with. And if they’re broken beyond repair, well, then we replace them.

An s-type is not a toy. It is your person to consensually play with in a manner in which they will not become broken, in a manner of speaking. There’s a lot of assumed responsibility as a dominant that we know what we’re doing. Sadly, not all dominants know what they’re doing. A lot of dominants are imposters (only ever having fantasized about dominating). Others are aimless dominants in training, learning through trial and error, usually error. Yet even still some equate their own narcissism with a hall pass into the kink community.

There are no schools that I know of that teach dominants how to do things perfectly and safely. (Despite some in community having been “titled” and “trained”). Did I miss a “sign-up”for the next semester? We are all learning together and it’s best to never close yourself off to more knowledge and skill training. As a dominant, who happens to teach classes, and talk a lot about kink, the day I think I have nothing left to learn is the day I leave the scene — it’s the day I become useless and reckless.

Peel back the layers

With that said, it’s hard to know what should you strive for as a dominant. This list of qualities I think a safe, respectable, well-intentioned dominant could benefit from is also a list for submissives. If you don’t watch out for yourself, no one will. No matter what side of the slash. Trust yourself to know when you’re comfortable and follow your gut instinct every time, all the time. At best, you miss out on a play scene, at worst…well who could say? No one, but something deep inside does. Don’t lose your ability to ground yourself and make rational decisions, sub and Dom frenzy is a very real occurrence that even I’ve fallen prey to!

Each of these traits absolutely needs to be genuinely built from within. And it couldn’t hurt to really flesh them out before bringing anyone “into” the mix that is your style of dominance.

1. Switch on and tune in

This one seems easy. How can you ignore someone who has really “devoted” themselves to you? You can disrespect that devotion. When you engage in this dynamic with someone it’s so easy to take without question, without thought, and without care. But, what do they gain? You owe it to them to allow their services, whatever they may be, to flourish. It is within your power to only just pick and use the traits and skills to your advantage but to also reflect your appreciation back. If your s-type loves to make you breakfast, honor that by surprising them with their favorite morning meal once in a while (who cares if you ordered online, it’s the thought that counts!). An unappreciated submissive is the best recipe for receiving unappealing service.

Attention to detail is important to me, and I do my best to show that in many ways. Pay attention to your bottom no matter the situation. If it’s in a vanilla setting little things can mean a lot. I know my puppy loves fun socks (hey, there’s his little side), and so occasionally I will gift him with a pair or two with playful patterns. In a scene or during play it’s even more important to pay attention to your partner. Don’t just rely on the safeword for safety. Verbally check in, watch their breathing, their body movements, and eyes when possible for signs of distress. It’s your duty as a top/dominant to be extra attentive to these details. This is the responsibility you assume in this role and they deserve your full attention.

2. Take control…like you really mean it

What does control mean to you? Does it mean picking out a sub’s clothes or food? Restricting their active actions without prior authorization from you? Maybe to them it means allowing you the power to punish them when they fall behind on work or a passion project? Or maybe even identifying objectively when they are stressed and stepping in to help where needed.

Control can mean a lot of things to a lot of people but if it’s constantly changing no one can enjoy it. That’s why it’s not only important to figure out where and how to exhibit your control over a submissive but also be consistent in your orders and process.

Consistency is key when wanting someone to perform the same thing, words, actions, repeatedly in the same manner. When you go out to eat, you expect french fries to resemble some manner of fries. I would complain if it were a baked potato even though it’s the right vegetable, it wouldn’t be consistent with my expectations, and I wouldn’t be happy. Your submissive cannot live up to your standards if they are constantly changing. When you decide something, take control of it by explaining it thoroughly and correcting where necessary. Whatever you do, don’t be wishy-washy and still expect excellency.

3. Heart of gold (or at least bronze)

Despite what BDSM porn may say (ha!), I have found a dominant who has their submissive’s best intentions at heart are the safest to interact with. This goes beyond a simple negotiation and check-in during a scene.

Many dominants have the ability to really abuse a bottom. Whether that’s mentally, emotionally, or even physically. And it might not always be intentional but that doesn’t prevent it from happening. There is nothing that gives me a higher feeling than knowing I have someone who is sometimes, quite literally, putting their lives in my hands when playing. It’s easy to get swept up in the ideology that as a dominant you “know” best. You don’t “need” improvements. You “have” all the answers.

The simple fact of the matter is you don’t.

And if you do, then please, let this Femdom get on her knees for you…All Knowing Fem of Doms.

I’ve ran into too many dominants who refuse to attend classes, even basic vanilla safety courses, find a mentor when possible, participate in skill shares and trade knowledge all because they “know” what they’re doing. They needn’t your silly advice.

Don’t abuse your power as a top. Do all you can to keep your submissive and yourself safe, externally and internally. Don’t let a predator with no real first hand experience talk you into anything you don’t want to do if you’re an s-type. Don’t guilt bottoms into playing your way “or else”, and certainly don’t imply that if they don’t follow your lead you will abandon them.

This is emotional and psychological abuse and no one should have to take this in any relationship or dynamic. A power hungry individual will follow a path to their own demise every time, and it’s not pretty.

Be yourself

Create your image, if that’s your thing. Select your title, change it up, flip stereotypes, color outside the lines. Every dominant has a unique and special quality, style, and abilities. Find yours out with practice and learn things about what you don’t enjoy first, as you might be surprised when you have your mind expanded. I was never into pegging, now I know more behind the first-hand experience of power exchange it promotes and it’s a solid kink of my playhouse now.

When I started out I thought I needed to be a certain type of “Femdom” but I gave that idea up long ago. I only found true power in being my own type of Femdom, in my own image. BDSM has a way of highlighting all the facets of your soul that have remained in the shadows. Why hide them if you are looking for a partner who will trust you and who you want to trust? Be confident but be yourself, you’re the only one of you.

You are who you are. Own it.

The greatness in a community like this, is that you have 100% freedom to be who you truly are. We welcome all kinds.

I purposefully made this list small and simple. It’s not complicated to be a good dominant partner because it requires you to be a good person first.

• Stay alert and knowledgeable in the areas of interests
• Respect and appreciate service when received
• Don’t overstep your boundaries as a top
• Lastly, fuck the haters, be who you want to be

Even though dominance is a role requiring strength and integrity it also includes humility, respect and an ever-curious mindset.

Anyone can Google ‘Spanking,’ ‘Flogging’ or ‘How to Get Him To Submit’ to learn a variety of techniques for various play. But these tools are simply not enough.

One must learn the language of dominance, and totally surrender themselves to its will and personal desire, in order to dominate like a (Fem)dom should.

d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles & Sexuality Coach and real life FemDom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.

Sharing is caring.

But what if you care too much to share?

You would think as a practicer of polyamory I’d fully understand and be able to execute the act if sharing my partners but it doesn’t always end up that way.

This isn’t a post about poly life.

This is a post about the female dominant life and expectations.

I’ve attended many events over the years but my most recent weekend away at a kink event made it apparent. Female dominants are expected to “share” their submissives. What I mean when I say that is if you take a look around at events you’ll notice with male dominants, there’s an air of mutual respect between them. If they see a subby girl sitting on her knees for Master they smile, nod and usually keep going. Sometimes, if they’re feeling bold a hushed comment will be heard under their breath but it’s a very different ball game for female dominants.

If my boy is sitting at my feet other femdoms usually do one or more of the following:

1. Stop and admire
2. Stop and comment on his “obedience”
3. Tell me what a “good boy” he’s being for me
4. Ask to touch his head or body (even if he’s leashed)
5. Ask him if he’s enjoying whatever it is he’s doing

Now while I appreciate the verbal appreciation I wish it were more visual. I don’t like other doms telling me how obedient my boy is or isn’t being. He’s just sitting, that doesn’t take any special skill. Asking to touch him is rude and presumptuous. Asking him if he’s enjoying serving me is a silly question because if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be there!

Has society conditioned females into such a “girl power” mentality that we can’t fathom having something of our own?

Is it rooted in the idea that most femdoms want to be served by multiple men?

Or that most sub men fantasize about being used by as many women as possible at once?

Beyond the verbal interaction there’s an unspoken incorrect line of thinking that most female doms want to “share” their boys among other femdoms. And if you don’t?

What’s wrong with you? Boys are just toys and of course you want to let me pinch, punch, kick, tweak, or otherwise accoste their bodies.

This isn’t my way of thinking. Call me selfish but I suffer from ‘only sub syndrome’. I don’t want to share my submissive. I don’t want to toss him to the she-wolves for play. I don’t want someone else digging their nails in his (my) cock and balls. I’ve worked hard to train him for myself, why does every other femdom get to benefit from that? And I especially don’t want someone else thinking he’s “obedient” to them. I’m not saying I never share him, I’m just saying when I do it’s in what I feel is a respected way by femdom(s) I’ve approached and I feel are worthy of such an offer.

Why do men with female subs get the respect of museum art and female doms with male subs get eye-rolled when they don’t want every woman with a strap-on taking a crack at him?

Are we not allowed to be possessive with our partners?

Do we not deserve the same respective guidelines as our het cis males?

My general rule is if I wouldn’t lend you my heels, my paddle, or my lipstick…you’re not using my sub.

d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles & Sexuality Coach and real life FemDom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.

My submissive is back and it’s been an adjustment for us both. I couldn’t help but chuckle softly as I was watched him express genuine over-the-top anger at the video game he was currently playing as he cursed and threw down the controller.

It made me laugh until I caught myself mid thought, ‘He needs to get a grip on his anger‘ and then it all came flooding back to me…

Over the years here, I’ve done my best to be as honest as possible without revealing too much to identify myself outside of my chosen local communities. But I’ve always been honest.

And honestly? I’ve been disappointed with myself.

As many of you know my puppy and I have had a long, arduous, long distance love journey the past two years. But it is ours. We cherish it because we feel after all of it we still have the desire, love, and trust to be together. We’ve had our highs, we’ve had our lows but we have never disrespected or violated each other in any way, until a few weeks ago when I did just that.

I non-consensually grabbed my partner in the middle of an argument and shook him because at the time I thought it was the only way to get his attention. This wasn’t a scene, this wasn’t a consent violation, this was just plain, old fashion domestic violence. An immediate wave of thoughts came crashing over me as I backed away into another room still in shock. All it had taken was 30 seconds but I had changed everything.

Why did I do that?

Was I using my role as his dominant to excuse a lack of self control?

Had I picked up this habit from my Father who notoriously got physical in arguments?

Was the stress of the life, his new move to my home, and a balancing act of having three partners causing me to lash out?

Most importantly I thought: How could he trust me to take care of him when I had been so careless and selfish?

The moments after are still a bit fuzzy but we talked and I removed myself as his active dominant on a day to day basis. I put myself in time-out for any physical kinky play and turned off my Fetlife account. I immediately alerted my other two partners of my transgression and expressed that if they felt unsafe or wanted an equal ‘time out’ from me physically, I would understand.

I may have instilled through hypno-play that I am ‘the perfect domme’ for puppy. But I am not just a domme and I am not perfect. What I did was inexcusable, hurtful, and not an appropriate way to react in the heat of the moment. There was nothing ‘domme-ish’ about my actions. It was pure disrespect to someone who has asked to spend their life with me and I have tried to take a step back and get my shit together. Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten in a physical fight with a partner (kink or vanilla) but it was the first time I initiated one.

Over the weeks since then I have apologized numerous times to puppy (and am grateful he has forgiven me), stopped attending play parties, limited any physical play between us on a daily basis, refused teaching any BDSM classes, started journaling my moods each day, tried to find ways to mitigate the what feels like unfathomable amount of stress I am under and now have found the words to express it to those of you who have been with me along my own personal journey through my writing.

I only want to publicly atone for what I believe is a one time mistake. We all make mistakes, even puppy has made some. But we always believe actions speak louder than words and so I want my actions to reflect any words I cannot find to express my regret.

I know just saying ‘Sorry’ isn’t enough, you have to actually change.

(This is recounted from my personal experience in 2018)

d20domme is an Alternative Lifestyles & Sexuality Coach and real life FemDom. She has chronicled her decade long kinky adventures in her living BDSM memoir From Mundane To Mistress. She can be often found presenting at sex-positive events, freelance writing about kink, on podcasts, or even in your local dungeon.