Until recently, this hamlet was known primarily as a bedroom community. However, instability from global health macrotrends and the vagaries of the nation’s strongman have led to a hyper-local movement that rediscovers joy in the quotidian. The infrastructure is infamously a work in progress, but the locals don’t seem to mind and are endearingly attached to their customs and idiosyncrasies. In these diminutive environs, you can discover a wealth of culture, try cuisine you literally can’t find anywhere else, and laugh — and most certainly cry — just like a local.

Friday

1) 3 p.m. Hit the ground running

In 4B, the attitude isn’t so much work to live as appear to work to live. On Fridays, the locals wait until the emails stop pouring in as a sign it’s time to leave the Office District and keep an eye on things from the Kitchen Counter, a popular happy hour spot within walking distance. The drinks aren’t craft and the offerings are irregular, but the crowd is strangely familiar.

2) 4:45 p.m. A documentary with in-theater service

On the northeast end of the Living Room Quarter is a recently upgraded independent theater showing everything from blockbusters to hard-hitting documentaries to classic deep cuts. Famous for late-night features, it offers a DIY take on in-theater food and beverage: 4Bers serve themselves! The whiskey selection is solid, but you can also sip some interesting finds, like the peach schnapps, a vintage selection preserved by crystallized sugar around the cap that, legend has it, has been aging undisturbed since Amanda’s cousin brought it over for movie night in 2014.

3) 6:37 p.m. Fusion is king

The glitterati will tell you eating late is the thing, but those in the know head over to The Fridge in the gentrifying Kitchen District and eat when they’re actually hungry, which happens without fail at 6:37 p.m. every day. While fusion was all the rage around the turn of the century, 4Bers haven’t changed with the times. Eat standing from the eclectic menu at Fridge or head over to the Top Cabinet for local favorites like pasta with reclaimed frozen produce or the elevated lowbrow specialty frozen burritos with a flight of hot sauces. Here necessity truly is the mother of invention.

4) 2:37 a.m. Cleanse your hands and your soul

It’s no secret that 4B is in a state of flux these days, so it’s customary to observe a moment of reflection before bed and remember the halcyon days of yore, and this can last for anywhere from a few hours to all night. Usually the party moves to nighttime hot spot Couch, where locals gather to bother their friends and exes with confusing late-night texts or mindlessly scroll social media. It’s important throughout the evening to wash your hands, and give them a hit of Purell frequently for good measure, as often as anxiety dictates, as is the local custom.

Saturday

4) 11:15 a.m. Stretch ’em out

After the late-night scene, 4Bers sleep in, though the culture is divided on whether it’s better to slip into a dark, dreamless hole for a few hours or a skittish night of pillow adjustment and flop sweat. Stay at boutique hotel The Unmade Bed and in the late morning you can exercise with in-room fitness amenities, like self-guided spastic arm extensions or deep sighs of resignation, which, if not actually therapeutic, speak to the fatalism that is so foundational to 4B intellectual history. Whatever you do, don’t rub the sleep out of your eyes. It’s considered highly disrespectful to touch your face.

5) 12 p.m. Avant-garde curatorship

There’s a hidden gem of a museum called The Box, located in the lower regions of the fashionably seedy Closet Zone. It’s easy to miss, looking more like a recycling depot or a picked-over rummage sale, but this museum is actually a cleverly curated presentation of the history of the people of 4B, which, through its seemingly reckless disregard for organization, invites you to reimagine and consider the societal milestones that make local 4Bers what they are today, from alarmingly erratic financial records, outside artist collections (don’t call them “doodles”), notable correspondences from the prehistoric days of mail, and unflinching photographic records of the people’s hard-partying past.

6) 2 p.m. Vintage pizza

4B was once a haven of the pizza trade, one of the staple imports of the local economy, but though there aren’t any operating pizzerias trading with 4B anymore, you can still head to up-and-coming gourmet innovator Freezer (the second location from the team behind Fridge) for the last remaining slices in 4B. After cooking in the historic oven, the slices, while somewhat drier than you’re likely used to, conjure up all the memories of a bygone era of pizza abundance — if not the mouthfeel or taste.

7) 3:30 p.m. Shop while you drop

If you head over to the Couch District, you can experience the array of international retailers available to 4Bers, from high-end couture to thrift store finds. Controversially, shopping is a ubiquitous and widely encouraged form of mental therapy in 4B; locals swear by its curative properties while enjoying a to-go herbal tea from the Electric Kettle. Locals believe (i.e. hope) that the turmeric, nettle and fennel tea does everything is says it does on the packaging.

8) 5 p.m. Boozliotheque

The late afternoon light is great in the Bedroom District, so head to beloved indie bookseller The Shelves and find yourself something from the famous overstock section of unread compulsion buys and take it back to The Unmade Bed with a chilled Lambrusco in a can. Local secret: pick up a saucy, fun read for you, but also grab a Penguin Classic and learn a few choice quotes so you can say you’re tackling Tolstoy over vacation.

9) 6:37 p.m. Become a saucier

When 6:37 hits, you know it’s time to chow down. A 4B delicacy is a standing counter meal from anywhere in the Kitchen District paired with a full palette of condiments. At any location in the Condiments Corridor, there’s an array of once-forgotten sauces, seasonings and spreads, ready to be artisanally mixed according to the chefs’ whimsies. The Shelf offers fun, casual saucier classes that encourage you to explore under the guidance of an experienced Sauce Artisan. Classes include Ketchup and Mayo Make Russian Dressing?, Apple Cider Vinegar as Ingestible Antiseptic, and Tahini Doesn’t Ever Really Go Bad, As Far As Is Known.

10) 9:30 p.m. This is fun!

After a few traditional antacids and a lie-down, it’s time for a group hang. 4B can seem brooding and isolating to the uninitiated, but the area is amazingly tech-forward. All venues offer Zoom sessions and the House Party app, where the touch-averse can catch up without having to dip into their mask supplies or hand sanitizer rations. Customarily, there are undercurrents of social guilt because no one bothered to keep in touch when times were better, but the practice is just to say, “It’s great to connect finally!” Everyone understands and conversation can move on to Shit-talking About Friends. Don’t be fazed by the candor or harshness. In 4B, it always comes from a place of love.

Sunday

11) 6:15 a.m. Why sleep?

Locals are up early, usually because they haven’t slept. Sometimes they’re working on their new podcast (it’s work hard-play hard here) and sometimes there are still some old party drugs found in the dark corners of the Closet Zone. After a late night of wondering why you didn’t go to law school, it’s time to grab an iced coffee. The local variation is hot drip coffee poured over a couple ice cubes for a classic, lukewarm 4B brew. Instead of a complementary biscuit, you’ll get three aspirin with that mud.

12) 11 a.m. Hit the food truck and stroll the gardens

There are a lot of options to choose from in the Kitchen District or the traditional 4B food market The Cabinet, and though many might strike you as gastronomically adventurous for Sunday brunch, it’s entirely normal here to have cold Bolognese after an amuse bouche of breakfast ice cream. Afterward, hit the historic Garden District, which offers an off-kilter selection of succulents, cacti and low-light plants — along with a tasteful terrarium or two — that were curated during a faddish and brief municipal concern about indoor air quality two years ago. It’s perfect for a call with mom, whom you can’t visit outside Philly because, sadly, social isolation. You may feel the desire to pace for hours. Just don’t think about work on Monday. There may be no need.

14. Spuckie

13. Poor boy

12. Torpedo

11. Grinder

10. Italian

9. Bomber

8. Wedge

7. Zeppelin

6. Blimpie

5. Hero

4. Po’ boy

3. Hoagie

2. Banh mi

1. Sub

62. Hot subway smell (non-urine)

61. When someone shows up with sub-par bagels (almost exclusively found at office meetings)

60. The bittersweet knowledge that any new/renovated transit station will soon be covered in the black pox of discarded gum

59. Wayward frisbees in the park

58. Subway smell (urine)

57. Cyclists riding on the sidewalk (children)

56. Subway delays (minor, cause unknown)

55. Slow walkers (no phone)

54. Out-of-town relatives who don’t understand why a five-mile work commute takes 45 minutes (“It takes me 20 minutes to get to my office 30 miles away.”)

53. Wayward children on scooters

52. Crossing the street only to realize the sidewalk is blocked due to construction

51. The charade of drinking beer out of a brown bag in the park (just legalize it!)

50. Reckless delivery people on motorized bicycles

49. That coffeeshops usually close by 6:00 p.m.

48. Those lakes of dirty water that form by pedestrian crossings after a rain

47. Dirty snow

46. Cyclists riding the wrong way down one-way streets

45. Bars that only take cash

44. Restaurants that only take cash

43. Slow walkers (tourists, gawking and pointing, unaware of the unwritten rules of urban life)

42. Slow walkers (staring down at phone)

41. Subway cropdusters

40. People who evangelize about Astoria

39. Buying more groceries than you can carry home

38. The gall it takes to serve a subpar slice of pizza

37. Gourmet food courts

36. All the open washer/dryers at the laundromat being broken

35. Events scheduled before 8:00 p.m. on weekdays

34. No washer/dryer in your building

33. Foolhardy attempts at driving out of town on Friday afternoons

32. Unimaginative Brooklyn-style menus that all offer the same shit

31. Unimaginative establishments that all try to look like Schiller’s and/or a rustic kill room

30. People who order chain pizza

29. New York Times articles that are consistently five years behind the trend the article is claiming to have discovered

28. Whatever it is that Penn Station smells like

27. Cyclists riding on the sidewalk (adults)

26. Long lines at restaurants/food stands recently hyped in a blog, show, or article — i.e. people not realizing that in New York, nothing is ever worth waiting an hour for; there’s always somewhere else to go that’s nearly as good

25. Subway delays (sick passenger)

24. Subway delays (track fire)

23. Subway conductors who’ve sort of figured out how to work the train but can’t quite master speaking into an intercom

22. Attempting to grab lunch/midday beer in a place occupied by BoCoCa/Slope parents who’ve waved the white flag on disciplining their children (or in lieu of parenting, attempt to engage in a civilized exchange of ideas with a toddler more interested in clusterbombing the cramped space with gluten-free cereal)

21. Dishwasher-less kitchens

20. That your downstairs neighbor has exclusive access to the backyard

19. Your next-door neighbor who can’t cook but keeps trying out pungent new recipes

18. Santacon

17. City income tax

16. A group of associates stretched across the width of the sidewalk (likely also walking slowly or, worse, stopped completely, like human arterial clots)

15. People who wait until they get to the turnstile to look for their Metrocard

14. People who stop at the bottom or top of subway station stairs

13. People who claim New Yorkers are rude (go fuck yourself)

12. Alternate side parking

11. That dude edging into your personal space on a crowded subway (it’s always a dude)

10. A by-and-large ineffectual local government that serves the needs of its ambitious career politicians more than it does the nearly 9 million people who live in the Five Boroughs

9. Showtime

8. Subway delays (police investigation or “incident”)

7. Friends with rent control

6. The swift inexorability of bro/basic creep wherever you like hanging out

5. Subway delays (signal problems or trains rerouted over your line)

4. People who refuse to meet you in Brooklyn in 2018

3. Being forced to exit the train because it is now running express due to aforementioned delays

2. Friends who move away and tell you they’re happy and doing well (they aren’t)

1. Motherfucking broker’s fees

Dane A. Wisher lives in Brooklyn.

40. orzo

39. macaroni

38. anelli

37. manicotti

36. ziti

35. cannelloni

34. linguini

33. calamarata

32. gnocchi (non-dumpling)

31. fregula

30. farfalle

29. cavatappi

28. vermicelli

27. paccheri

26. fiori

25. rotelle

24. lasagna

23. fettuccine

22. quadrefiore

21. radiatori

20. agnalotti

19. mezzeluna

18. penne

17. capellini

16. mafalde

15. busiate

14. ravioli

13. agnolotti

12. tortellini

11. rigatoni

10. fusilli

9. maltagliati

8. tortelloni

7. gemelli

6. cavatelli

5. spaghetti

4. bucatini

3. orecchiette

2. pappardelle

1. tagliatelle

Dane A. Wisher lives in Brooklyn.

21. -

20. ‘ ’

19. –

18. \

17. ?

16. ,

15. [ ]

14. |

13. « »

12. “ ”

11. ( )

10. { }

9. /

8. ;

7. !

6. :

5. ⸮

4. .

3. ‽

2. . . .

1. —

Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.

English Punctuation, Ranked was originally published in The Poleax on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

• Don’t leave us alone. Come along for the ride on Medium, Twitter, and Facebook.
• The alt-left isn’t a real thing, but the term was coined by bitter Clintonians who couldn’t possibly understand why their historically unpopular candidate wasn’t being apotheosized by adoring throngs on the left. Like most of the condescending rhetoric bandied about by Clinton diehards, it didn’t endear them to a wider audience. (The Washington Post)
• The Southern Poverty Law Center has a handy interactive map to keep track of the hate groups near you!
• Also from SPLC — and also handy for silencing family members ranting at dinner — , an infographic (on pages 14 and 15) shows the creation of Confederate monuments ramps up in the wake of civil rights victories.
• The excerpts from the transcript of the jury selection process for the Martin Shkreli trial is a thing of beauty. (Harper’s Magazine)
• Behind the meat. (Gizmodo)
• For as long as the internet is a thing, it will be impossible to tire of Mike Gundy’s “I’m a man! I’m 40!” rant. Here’s a look at what’s happened for him since. (ESPN)
• The far right now has its knives out for Maximum Leader. (The Week)

Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.

Friday Links was originally published in The Poleax on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

7. Tuesday
6. Monday
5. Wednesday
4. Sunday
3. Thursday
2. Saturday
1. Friday

Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.

Days Of The Week, Ranked was originally published in The Poleax on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

First it was “many sides,” and then it was a tepid condemnation of white supremacists, and then, after not being lauded for his bravery and decency by the fake news media, Trump came down firmly on the side of the people who do support him, Confederate apologists. He issued the same, tired talking point that people tend to recite, from bad history teachers to your drunk relative at Thanksgiving: “So this week it’s Robert E. Lee. I notice that Stonewall Jackson’s coming down. I wonder, is it George Washington next week, and is it Thomas Jefferson the week after? You know, you really do have to ask yourself — where does it stop?” This is a facile point based on the ever-popular slippery slope fallacy.

Translating Yesterday’s Trump Presser

But it’s one that the right-wing propaganda machine has latched onto, as they sometimes do. Tucker Carlson — otherwise known as the man who killed bow ties in America — went on his show to give Tucker’s Thoughts on the matter. He laid out some points. First: “Slavery is evil.” Fine, but if you have to make an obvious point like that, there is almost certainly a “but” coming. He went on to note that North American Indians owned slaves — as did luminaries like Plato, Mohammed, and the Aztecs. Essentially: people had slaves back in the day, so what are you going to do? This, too, is a facile point.

What the right obtusely refuses to acknowledge is that no one is denying that slavery was commonplace. (It still is, in fact, too commonplace in the world.) No one is erasing history. Instead, mass culture is finally acknowledging a fuller picture of this country’s past. What the right derides as historical revisionism is actually just the practice of history: challenging and reassessing what we we think we know based on more information and different perspectives. On the other hand, what the Fox News set calls history is more cultural mythology. They aren’t interested in historical figures and critical consideration; they are interested in hagiography and piety. And this plays into why they think of statues as history.

But statues aren’t really history; they’re about memorializing something in some way. And there is no way in which the tone of the Charlottesville Robert E. Lee isn’t one of admiration or celebration. Ditto for the myriad other monuments to Confederates across the country, including states that didn’t even exist during the Civil War. So the culture clash is about the right being mad that their heroes are no longer apotheosized by the public.

The question then is whether or not Lee, Jackson, Jefferson Davis, et al should be celebrated in public spaces and maintained with public money. Trumpians and the right seem to think that they should, and that if you remove Confederates from public places because they owned slaves, you’re opening yourself up to the removal of all public figures who owned slaves, like Jefferson and Washington.

This is stupid.

Plots Tending Toward Fascism

Thomas Jefferson and George Washington did own slaves. But the difference between them and Lee is that they’re famous for a lot of things other than slavery. George Washington drove out the British army during the Revolution and was the first president. His stepping down after two terms set the practice for almost every subsequent multiple-term president. He led the early nation through turbulent years toward stability. These things are fairly noteworthy.

Jefferson’s accomplishments are far too many to list, but he was essentially the intellectual heart of American independence and democracy (in ways good and bad, to be sure). He founded the nation’s still-best public university, even designing its original campus himself, for which Monticello and UVA are designated UNESCO World Heritage sites. Perhaps most important, he popularized macaroni and cheese in America.

Basically, these are all things Jefferson and Washington did other than own slaves and defend the right to own slaves. Granted, it’s valid to say they wouldn’t have been able to accomplish what they did without the aid of free labor, but at the very least what’s memorialized about Jefferson or Washington in a statue or plaque isn’t something they did in the service of slavery.

What did Lee do other than lead the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia during the Civil War? He was a colonel during the Mexican-American War. He was an engineer. Interestingly, none of his statues tend to prioritize the taking of Mexico City or his skills with mapping and reforming land. And Jackson? You don’t see statues praising his teaching experience so much as you do his surprise attack on the Union Army at Chancellorsville.

What do people like about Lee that isn’t also about fighting for the Confederacy? He was an honorable man? Fine, but there are lots of honorable men you can admire who did other things. He was a great tactician? I mean, sure, but again, what were those tactics in service to? He didn’t really fight for slavery; he fought for states’ rights. This is an easily debunked point, as slavery underpinned any argument about the economy or states’ rights, but even granting it, Lee still took up arms against the US for whatever you believe he fought for. There’s no getting around that.

And this is what Trump and Trumpians don’t get. This isn’t the left wanting to erase former slaveholders from the public memory; it’s about putting context to that memory and accepting that some things aren’t worth celebrating in 2017.

154 Years Later

Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.

Robert E. Lee Isn’t George Washington Or Thomas Jefferson was originally published in The Poleax on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

• Follow the fuck out of us on Medium, Twitter, and Facebook.
• The amazing history of the Houston Astros’ rainbow uniforms (ESPN)
• Find out if you would get to emigrate to the US under Trump’s new criteria! (Spoiler: probably not, loser.) (Time)
• Every day, Maximum Leader gets propaganda folders full of ego-inflating “news” items. (Vice)
• Thinking Syrian rebels were a nice way to combat jihadists was, well, not smart. (War on the Rocks)

Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.

Friday Links was originally published in The Poleax on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

50. Ambrosia

49. Jello salad

48. Watergate salad

47. Ham salad

46. Word salad

45. Curried chicken salad

44. Chicken salad (with raisins)

43. Potato salad (classic mayonnaisey American with egg)

42. Chinese chicken salad

41. Fruit salad

40. Bullshit chopped salad from chain near work (eaten at your desk)

39. Waldorf salad

38. Chef salad

37. Cole slaw (no mayonnaise)

36. Olivier salad

35. Garden salad

34. Greek salad (bullshit style, with lettuce)

33. Egg salad

32. Bean salad

31. Mesclun

30. Crab Louie

29. Taco salad

28. Potato salad (mayonnaisey American, no egg)

27. Seaweed salad

26. German potato salad

25. Shopska salad

24. Macaroni salad

23. Pasta salad

22. Tuna salad

21. Larb salad

20. Watermelon and feta salad

19. Seven-layer salad

18. Greek salad (Greek style, no lettuce)

17. Papaya salad

16. Salad niçoise

15. Cole slaw (with mayonnaise)

14. Crab salad

13. Tabbouleh

12. Chicken salad (no raisins)

11. Çoban Salatası

10. Shirazi salad

9. Panzanella

8. Fattoush

7. Lobster salad

6. Beets and goat cheese

5. Caesar salad

4. Any salad composed of greens, fruit, nuts, bleu cheese, and vinaigrette

3. Caprese salad

2. Cobb salad

1. Wedge salad

Dane A. Wisher is based in Brooklyn.

Salads, Ranked was originally published in The Poleax on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.