We grow up hearing the expression, “survival of the fittest,” typically spoken with unapologetic confidence to reinforce the need for and acceptance of unyielding competitiveness and selfishness. Charles Darwin, to whom that quote is attributed, explored this concept in his evolutionary theory and the quote, taken from his book “On the Origin of Species,” is actually fully intended to mean: “Survival of the form that will leave the most copies of itself in successive generations.” Competition, you see, is not necessarily part of the process of perpetuation. We don’t need to brutalize and dominate one another to survive, to pass on our genes.

Sadly, the misinterpretation of Darwin’s quote on evolutionary theory coupled with a Gordon Gekko, “greed is good” mentality, have created an American culture that celebrates and practices competitiveness and as recent economic and political disasters have and are showing, greed is not good and competition is not how a species is perpetuated. It is how it is harmed.

After publishing “On the Origin of Species” Darwin published “The Descent of Man” in which he wrote only twice of “survival of the fittest” and 95 times about love, 92 times about moral sensitivity, and 200 times about mind and brain.

You see, it’s not competition that allows mankind to survive, it’s cooperation. And though our human animal finds morbid fascination with competition and greediness, it’s love, sensitivity, and mindfulness that sustains our species.

It’s also what makes us beautiful.

The only thing that matters in life is the impact we have on others.

When I was 25 I worked for a man in downtown Brooklyn who was, by several measures, successful. He was worth around $20m, owned a vintage vehicle collection valued around $10m, owned a ton of real estate, had boats, motorcycles, and other expensive toys. He was an attorney and a total character.

He was also alone.

Our small company was comprised of him, his ex-wife (a sweetheart and badass woman whose primary role, it seemed, was to make sure he didn’t spend all of the money foolishly because he definitely would if left to his own devices), myself (his assistant), his property manager, his in-house counsel, and a strange assemblage of hairy mechanics and racers who restored his vehicle collection. Regardless of our titles, we all wore many hats throughout the day and our assignments were about as random as you could imagine… One day we were buying a WWII PT Boat, the next we were suing the flooring company that incorrectly applied the epoxy floor to our workshop, the next day we were buying up all of the Kingston, NY waterfront. Or were we suing his cousin? Or were we suing his former business partner? Or were we suing somebody else? It was hard to keep track of the lawsuits. He was always suing somebody to get what he wanted. Or just to win.

It was a hard environment for a 20-something empath to be part of. I could feel the discomfort and heartache of my coworkers and the effect our boss’ personality had on all those around him. It hurt. It made me physically sick and it made me question the definition of “success” I, as an American, had been fed my entire life. Here was a man who, on the surface, had hit all the benchmarks of achievement and he was morbidly obese, sickly, miserable, and alone. Was this what I had been working my whole life to achieve?

I didn’t want to be alone.

The pivotal moment of my employment experience was his 60th (or was it his 65th?) birthday party. His darling ex-wife thought it would be nice if we gave him a lavish party befitting of a man of his perceived success so we rented out a pier on Chelsea Piers, hired a caterer, brought in live music, rallied his tugboat captain to bring his boat to the pier (yes, he owned a WWII tugboat too), and instructed our employees to be there. When it came time to invite his friends (non-employees) I recall us struggling to find any. I believe we came up with one who would attend. Just one. One person who would attend his party who was not on his payroll and actually wanted to be there. I ached for my boss. The night of his party the weather was perfect and we had a fun time… pretending to celebrate a man whose party we attended out of professional obligation. As I looked around the pier that night I realized something that changed the course of my life…

A party of one is no party at all.

On Chelsea Piers that night stood a man with the financial means and professional accomplishments to warrant a lavish NYC party that only one actual friend would attend. The rest HAD to be there. As I left his “party” I walked across the West Side Highway that night heading to another party full of actual friends who wanted to be there and I remember thinking that my boss’ version of success was in actuality an incredible failure. He had only one person to invite to his party who actually wanted to be there. This wasn’t the fate I wanted. This wasn’t how I would define “success.”

I initially took the job, like every job before it, because it looked fun and interesting and I wanted to learn from a boss who seemed to have achieved success. What I ended up with was a lesson in never doing dispassionate work, not surrounding myself with conflict, and never compromising financial gain for personal relationships. I learned to value friendships, sincerity, wellness, and love. And most of all, I learned to believe that the only thing that matters in life is the impact we have on others. That realization has made all the difference.

We all know the story about the dinosaurs… they once ruled the earth until a meteor strike caused a massive explosion that wiped them all out.

Seems oddly similar to our human story.

Makes you wonder what will cause the massive event that wipes out mankind.

And what species will follow us?

Hopefully, they’ll be stronger than dinosaurs and smarter than humans.

Perhaps they’ll be kinder, more cooperative, more eco-friendly, less toxic.

Then maybe earth will have an inhabitant it can support indefinitely?

Beyond your pursuit of pleasure, everything you do is for the avoidance of pain. Everything. I’m not calling you “weak,” but chances are that if you’re reading this and you’re human you have a pain aversion. We all do. How you improve upon your pain aversion is entirely up to you, but I guarantee your ability to manage pain WILL have an impact on your success and enjoyment in life.

Stop reading this for 3 seconds and look down at your chest. Did it rise and fall as you took in air and expelled it? Breathing is the first and most unconscious thing we do to avoid the pain of not breathing (see: suffocating). Our bodies are hardwired to breath so we don’t die. We’re hardwired to avoid pain.

The same holds true for things like eating food and drinking water. Think about how it feels to be hungry… wait long enough to eat and it starts to hurt. Same is true for drinking fluids… dehydration literally puts us into a state of panic as our body screams at us for water. Now think about interpersonal relationships and how it feels to be lonely, rejected, insulted, confronted, or assaulted. All of these things hurt, deeply, so we do what we can to avoid them because we’re hardwired to avoid pain.

Remember your last sunburn? Your last stomach flu? Your last sprain or bone break? Remember the last time you stubbed your toe? Got a paper cut? Would you willingly do any of those things again? Probably not because we’re hardwired to avoid pain.

Did you go to college? Get a degree? Educate yourself? Develop a trade or skill? What else have you done to earn money, status, security? All of these things, pain avoidance.

From an evolutionary standpoint, avoiding pain is a good thing because it kept us from being eaten by dinosaurs (that would hurt), it keeps us from playing with fire (melting skin hurts), and it has been the underpinning for all medical and agricultural innovations and pretty much everything else we’ve invented as a species. Even our legal system was built upon man’s basic drive to avoid pain. Punishment = pain. Whether we’re avoiding the pain of disease and illness, hunger, heartache, exposure to the elements, social outcast, or physical and emotional distress humans have developed many sophisticated ways to avoid pain, but how we accomplish this is and how we live through the experience of pain is one of those skills that separate the successful from the unsuccessful.

Below are 5 ways successful people manage pain.

1. Ownership

It sounds simple to take ownership of one’s mistakes, but in practice it’s actually very hard. Pride/Ego precludes many people from actually saying the words, “That’s my fault.” As in, “My startup failed and that’s my fault.” It’s easier to blame market conditions, or bad partners, or an unfortunate business deal, or a faulty product. It’s hard to say, “You’re upset and that’s my fault.” It’s easier to blame the other person for being too sensitive or weak. In that process of avoiding the pain of accountability we deny ourselves the opportunity to develop strong character, we deny those we’ve hurt the opportunity for closure and forgiveness, and we deny those who admire us the opportunity to deepen their admiration, all of which are underpinnings of a successful existence. Owning pain makes us better. Successful people embrace opportunities to own a mistake. They know the power that ownership brings them.

2. Stress Management

Pain puts stress on our human organism. Our mind and body feel the effects of pain on a cellular level and that impacts how we function physically, physiologically, and psychologically. Simply put, how we manage our stress every day will determine how healthy we are. We’ve all heard the expression that you “have nothing if you don’t have your health.” Well, you can work 24/7/365 toward whatever goal you’ve set for yourself, but if you get sick along the way or sick once you’ve reached your destination your reality is that your pursuits and achievements won’t matter, only reclaiming your health will matter. Logic would dictate that how well you manage stress will have a direct correlation on your enjoyment of life. This is often where successful people excel and unsuccessful people fail. Healthy practices like meditation, exercise, mindfulness, therapy, finding harmony, expressing gratitude, and positive self-talk are how the successful win at the stress management game. It’s how successful people defeat and/or manage their pain.

3. Keeping It Natural

Toxic products and synthetic chemicals put incredible stress on our body. Confession: I own a natural products company so as a matter of professional transparency I will admit that I believe I have a distinct advantage in matters of health and wellness because, frankly, I live a very non-toxic life. I don’t have any of the conventional synthetic health, body care, or cleaning products in my home that most Americans do so I’m not exposed to all of the toxins many Americans are. As such, I don’t get sick, all of my bloodwork is perfect, I don’t use any synthetic medications, and I don’t suffer any chronic illness. I eat very cleanly, about 95% vegan and organic, so I’m not exposed to as much of the toxic food most Americans are. I dislike being preached at and I respect that you might not either so all I will say is that the proof is in the pudding: Keeping your lifestyle as natural and non-toxic as possible works to reduce chemical stress and physical pain and improve health and wellness. I attribute much of my success in life to keeping it natural.

4. Love

The simple truth is that sharing love with another human being has been shown to be the most important thing we can do to ensure good health and successful navigation of a difficult life — and life is difficult. An 80-year Harvard study found that a happy relationship was the most important factor in living a long, healthy life:

“Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents (see: pain), help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants.”

5. Get Tough

After 29 years of martial arts, 8 years of rugby, 20 years of lifting weights, multiple cross-country road trips living in a van, overseas travel, and various other athletic challenges I’ve learned that strong people are hard to kill. They’re also hard to fluster and have an easier time navigating life’s pains than those who don’t push themselves physically to improve their pain threshold. If training with tier 1 and 2 military operators and professional fighters has taught me anything it’s that the mind gives up before the body does, but the mind is plastic. The mind can be trained to tolerate pain levels that cause the average person to crumble. Learning to tolerate pain, to push forward in spite of pain, and to keep a level head under the presence of pain is a gift that can’t be given or purchased, it has to be earned. It’s a talent the world’s most successful people have mastered and continue to perfect throughout life. It’s why high-achievers climb Mount Everest, compete in triathlons, and take on crazy challenges. It’s also why some people train in martial arts because the skills and lessons learned in combat easily translate to life and business. Successful people embrace pain as a tool to make themselves tougher than the people around them. Imagine what you could accomplish if you were just 10% tougher…

We, all people, do a funny thing inside our heads. We say the wrong things to and about ourselves. For many, that happens constantly. For some, it happens infrequently. For a few, it happens almost never.

Those few who have mastered the art of positive self-talk are relatively easy to find because they are often famous, rich, and/or highly successful in their respective fields. You see, how we talk to ourselves is among the greatest influencers of how we experience life and how we perform when challenged. And life is challenging, especially when you’re trying to do something awesome with yours.

When you study world class athletes you learn something very quickly that separates them from the average person: How they talk, internally, about stress…

For the average person, when asked to describe how it might feel to be competing in front of the entire world against the best athletes on the planet most people would describe that as “scary.” Most people would talk, internally and externally, about how stressful that would be and they would psyche themselves out completely. Some would even be paralyzed with fear. When you ask Olympians and major league athletes and primetime entertainers what that experience is like they describe it as “exciting” and “exhilarating.” Same experience, different description. Same situation, different self-talk.

What the Olympian knows and the average person doesn’t is that how you frame your experiences inside your mind will determine how your body responds to them.

You might tell yourself how scared, incapable, and embarrassed you are to be performing in front of so many eyeballs. The Olympian might tell themselves how deserving they are of the opportunity and how it’s time to lay claim to “their” gold medal. They talk themselves up. You talk yourself down.

They win gold medals in front of millions of spectators while you sit on the couch watching them win gold medals. Those who utilize positive self-talk are empowered and energized. Those who utilize negative self-talk are crippled with fear.

Imagine if you could harness the same self-talk Olympians do. What might you accomplish? How many millions of people might you impress? Or better yet, how much better would your life be and the life of those closest to you if you were to achieve even a modest level of success?

What we know about self-talk is very straightforward… our words become our actions become us.

Put another way, how you talk to yourself will determine how you perform, which will ultimately determine the success you experience and the type of life you live. It’s really truly that simple. So how do you master this skill of positive self-talk? Simple. It’s called, Reframing…

Reframing is the art of putting old thoughts into new context. It’s the basic principle of redefining how we think about and define things. It also has a LOT to do with the words we use to describe our experiences.

For example, when you stub your toe walking through your house at night it hurts. The unsuccessful person gets mad at the chair, maybe even hits it (as if it can feel the pain you wish to inflict on it?!), and then reflects on how the world never cuts them a break and how painful life is. The successful person thinks about how the pain is temporary, how they might better arrange their furniture or perhaps install a night light or keep a flashlight handy for the next time they need to walk barefoot in the dark. They might reflect on how lucky they are to have a home with furniture and how the worst thing they had to deal with all day was stubbing their toe walking in the dark. They may even think about how grateful they are for the ability to walk upright on their own two legs and how blessed they are to be healthy enough to get out of bed and cross a dark house on their own.

Life is beautiful to the successful person and the experience of stubbing their toe gave them an opportunity to speak lovingly to themselves and express gratitude. To the unsuccessful person, stubbing their toe was the worst thing they’ve ever experienced and there’s no way it could ever get worse… until the next inconvenience happens, and it WILL DEFINITELY happen (they believe). And when it does, that’s the worst thing that could ever happen to them. And so goes the cycle of the unsuccessful mindset, destroying itself, the body it inhabits, and the success that body might accomplish.

Here’s The Magic

whether you choose to frame your experiences positively or negatively is entirely up to you. 100% your choice. You see, the only thing in life you have control of is your attitude. Period. And your attitude will determine your life experience and how successful you are in your pursuits. Fret not, my negative friend, because you too can harness the power of the successful and it’s REALLY simple…

Take 2 deep breaths, slowly describe the situation to yourself, and use only positive words and tones. No sarcasm. No self-deprecation. Just love and positivity and gratitude. Just change the words you use to talk to yourself and do it for 2 straight weeks. It takes 2 weeks of disciplined practice to develop a new habit. Give yourself 2 weeks of positive self-talk and you will see a change. So too will the people around you.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~ Viktor Frankl

The only thing that matters in life is the impact we have on others.

I‘ve observed an exceptionally high amount of passive-aggressive behavior and a lack of self-care in the business world. No judgement, we all have our struggles and we’re all just trying to figure ourselves out in this crazy world so I thought I might offer personal experience along with some humble advice: Learn to fight.

Stress

A funny thing happens inside the brain when it experiences high stress, especially the kind of stress that threatens our safety or security. Our brain switches from the cerebral cortex — the thinking part of the brain where fine motor skills are managed — and moves into the limbic system — the “monkey” brain that isn’t capable of fine motor skills and intricate calculations because it’s only concerned with gross survival. Inside our limbic system is where fight or flight is executed. Inside the cerebral cortex is where we think deeply and make logical, technical decisions. It’s where compassion, humility, and cooperation live. It’s where most professionals spend the majority of their day, doing smart things and being creative. That is, until the sh*t hits the fan.

Have you ever received an adversarial Email or news of a pending lawsuit (you’ve been served) or been in a heated negotiation? Chances are, if you have you’ve likely felt your anxiety level increase, the hair on the back of your neck stand up, your heart quicken, your mouth dry, and a sense of panic or anger creep in. You might lash out or shrink into the nearest shadow. That’s your monkey brain taking over when the stress becomes threatening. That’s where knowing how to fight becomes an entrepreneur’s greatest asset.

Pain Threshold

Americans lead a strongly pain-averse existence. In fact, it can be argued that our cultural inability to live with pain is the driving force behind our country’s opioid epidemic: The US comprises 5% of world population and consumes 75% of the world’s prescription drugs, 20,000 Americans died last year from opioid overdose, and 2 million Americans live with prescription drug addiction. Pain is a natural part of life and learning to live successfully with it and learn from it is one of the greatest character building exercises any person can go through. Sadly, as Americans, pain management is literally a business owned by Big Pharma and we’re not only being poisoned by its drugs, but robbed the opportunity to learn from pain and build the tools to live happily in spite of pain.

This is where martial arts training offers a considerable advantage to entrepreneurs and all people. Learning about pain, how to cause it, how to receive it, how to live with it, and how to perform well in spite of it is the unspoken skill set in every good martial artist’s arsenal. In fact, it’s sometimes said that the difference between an amateur and a professional fighter is their ability to perform in spite of pain. The same is true in business…

Learn to perform well in spite of pain and you have an incredible advantage over the rest of the business world.

Think of it like this: You’re building your startup, funds are very low, tension is very high, you get scary Emails from investors, adversarial phone calls from vendors, and the pressure of knowing your life, your family’s life, and the lives of those involved in your startup are all resting on your shoulders. Now imagine you have a very low pain tolerance. How are you going to handle all of this pressure? This fear? This anxiety? We’ve seen countless startups fail and lives ruined because its founder wasn’t strong enough to navigate the rigors of business. Not because they weren’t smart enough or talented enough or motivated enough, but because they couldn’t handle the pain that comes with startup life, especially when your business isn’t doing well. If that founder learns how to fight, he/she will learn a new relationship to pain and find him/herself better equipped to lead their startup through the hellfire into the light of day toward success.

“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” ~ Bruce Lee

Fitness

The lack of self-care in the startup world is alarming. This holds true for the business world in general, not just the startup community. The “hustle harder” and “no days off” mentalities are eating us alive and when coupled with poor diet and lack of exercise we have a recipe for illness and early death. We also have a recipe for underperformance. You see, your mind can’t function its best when housed inside an unfit body. The correlation between mental performance and physical wellness is direct and very strong. When you consider the physical and emotional stress entrepreneurship puts you under we’re fooling ourselves to think we can get by safely and effectively ignoring our health. Learning to fight, that is, training in martial arts, is one of the more beneficial forms of exercise because you literally get in shape while learning life-saving skills. And here’s the best part… you don’t have to get in shape before starting to train in martial arts. You can start today exactly as you are.

Fighting

I’ve spent the last 29 years training and competing in various styles of martial arts, from grappling to striking to bladed weapons and firearms. I’m also a member of the US Martial Arts Team and a 2-time World Martial Arts Games silver medalist. I even spent a handful of years training military SF/SOF, federal agents, and local & state law enforcement in various fighting techniques and methodologies. Over nearly 3 decades studying hand-to-hand combat I’ve learned quite a lot about myself, about mankind, about anatomy, about conflict resolution, and about physiology. If I were asked to sum it all up I would say, simply, that I’ve learned how to stay calm when the sh*t hits the fan and tolerate crippling pain, which has made all the difference in business.

As fighters we spend an inordinate amount of time learning techniques and perfecting our bodies as weapons. We learn counters and attacks and defense and footwork and how to condition our bodies for the rigors of fighting. Perhaps most importantly, we learn how to remain calm when standing across from a trained killer who wants to kick our head off and we learn how to push forward when we’re getting our butts kicked and receiving pain. Spend a few months learning to spar and suddenly that C-level in a custom suit with the stern look on his/her face doesn’t seem so threatening, neither does his/her lawyer. It’s a great moment when you’re sitting across the table from somebody you’re in a contentious negotiation with and he/she is fuming and you’re unflinching, calm as a cucumber, maybe smiling. That ability to be the calm, gooey center of an otherwise stressful scenario affords you several key advantages:

1. Logic — you’re still in your cerebral cortex so you’re thinking more clearly than the angry party across from you, which puts you in the driver’s seat for the negotiation.
2. Intimidation — if you haven’t stood across from somebody you’re about to fight and seen nothing but calm on their face it can be terrifying. Why aren’t they scared?! Often, the more relaxed fighter wins.
3. Professionalism — heated moments can make for hot comments and decisions that will later bite you in the butt. Staying calm keeps you out of the kind of reputation-ruining trouble that lack of impulse control causes.

Here’s the secret that fighters know and many business people don’t: Fear is a liar.

If you listen to fear it will always tell you it’s in charge and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you listen to fear it will always tell you your cerebral cortex is off limits and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you listen to fear you’ll always be lied to.

What experienced fighters know is how to control their fear so it doesn’t take over. It doesn’t take decades of martial arts training to learn how to control fear, it’s actually very simple and anybody can do it; you don’t have to be a ninja, and it WILL work for you…

The Trick

What is 2 + 2? What is 3 x 3? What is 12 - 4? Congratulations, you’re now in your cerebral cortex. This little trick, doing simple math equations, is among the quickest and easiest ways to switch your brain back into your cerebral cortex and out of your limbic system when you’re stressed or in pain. Too good to be true? Well, this trick is something professional fighters at the highest ranks use during fights to keep their brains sharp. Their coach/corner will actually yell out simple math equations during the fight in order to switch the fighter’s brain out of its stress-induced limbic mess back into its combination-landing cerebral cortex. If you ever watched a fight and it seems like a fighter isn’t doing anything right and their coach/corner is throwing their hands up in frustration it’s often because the fighter has gotten stuck in his/her limbic system and literally cannot hear or contemplate the instructions being given to them by their team. When in the limbic system they certainly can’t execute the gameplan they’ve been rehearsing for months ahead of the fight and they definitely aren’t throwing crisp punches and kicks. If only they knew what 2 + 2 is.

The same holds true for your work adversary and for you. So who would you rather be? The stressed out fighter who can’t think and act clearly or the calm, focused fighter in complete control of him/herself?

So next time you’re finding yourself in a situation that’s causing your anxiety to spike, stop and ask yourself what 8 x 4 is and then ask yourself what 6 + 15 is. Then take a deep, slow breath and as you exhale start thinking your way smartly through whatever it was that caused you stress in the first place. It’s that simple.

Remember, the only thing that matters in life is the impact we have on others.

Age is of no relevance in this process.

Everybody doesn’t feel entitled to love.

Or be loved.

What a world this would be if that trend were reversed.

I believe we do ourselves a disservice in the startup community differentiating between work and life and then demanding we find balance between the two. As entrepreneurs we often hear about “work-life balance” and it’s typically presented as an ultimatum: Achieve it and be deemed successful. Don’t achieve it and be deemed a failure. Therein lies the problem: I believe work-life balance is the wrong goal for entrepreneurs because life doesn’t require balance, it requires harmony.

What we do with our time and energy IS our life. By compartmentalizing the things we do with our time and talents as either “work” or “life” we preclude ourselves from finding homeostasis between the things that occupy us because we’ve not only isolated interrelated experiences, but put in opposition things that are not in opposition to one another. Further, in pursuing “work-life balance” we’ve literally declared that there are only “work” activities and “life” activities so an entrepreneur must lead two contrasting existences: one as a professional and the other as a person. An entrepreneur is then required to balance those two existences in hopes of achieving the fabled “work-life balance.” That defies logic, in my opinion. It’s an almost guaranteed path to failure because it was never achievable to begin with.

Balance, we must remember, is a pursuit just like happiness. It is not a destination and it is no more permanent than a feather resting in a tornado. Balance is unreliable, but achievable in both fleeting and prolonged moments. If balance is our goal our challenge becomes stringing together as many moments of balance closely enough together so that we generally feel at ease. This is a REALLY difficult task and if our success is tied to our ability to achieve balance we are sure to fail, all of us.

Lack of balance creates turmoil, which destroys calm. The Dalai Lama says:

“Calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that’s very important for good health.”

We know this to be true in business, in love, in art, in academics, and in every other aspect of life. A calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence. A calm mind is the answer.

We know that stress hormones like cortisol harm us by increasing blood sugar, suppressing our immune system, and decreasing bone formation (see: osteoporosis). Cortisol can delay wound healing and according to the Mayo Clinic, the long-term activation of the stress-response system — and the subsequent overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones — can disrupt almost all of your body’s processes. This puts you at increased risk of numerous health problems, including anxiety and depression. Failing to manage our cortisol can make us sick, make us “crazy,” make us weak, and make us dead. Where balance is absent, stress prevails. It would seem that balance may preclude cortisol? Perhaps that’s a reach, perhaps not?

But is “balance” the correct pursuit? Instead of the word “balance” I prefer the word “harmony” because it means many things are working together in concert. Balance, in my mind’s eye, always appears as 2 contradictory things across from one another teetering on a pivot between them trying to find a tenuous middle ground. Balance looks and feels a lot like conflict. Instead, harmony comprises many things and requires no middle ground between them, no equity, it only requires of each thing to find its own stasis amongst the others. Harmony, to me, seems much more achievable and much less adversarial. It also seems much more accurate as life usually entails many things not always in direct opposition to one another, but coexisting within us.

Marcus Aurelius said:

“He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.”

The universe is a big place comprised of many things. So too is the ambition and desire of each human being, especially entrepreneurs. Harmony, universal harmony. Inside us and around us. That’s a goal I believe we can all achieve each day, but we have to work for it. We have to prioritize it.

Let’s be clear, we are entrepreneurs and entrepreneurial things are what we do with some of our time and energy. Entrepreneurship should not be our entire life and it is not in opposition to the other things we are/do. We are also husbands, wives, friends, lovers, parents, teammates, teachers, players, artists, athletes, builders, siblings, musicians, scholars, and so on. Together, all of these things, including business, comprise our life. I believe the smarter conversation does not revolve around achieving elusive “balance,” but rather the process of living harmoniously within ourselves by not pitting one activity or responsibility against another, but letting them all coexist fluidly. The “balance” competition inside us breeds disharmony. When harmony does not exist within us it is difficult, if not impossible, to create it outside of ourselves. Especially in our startups.

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered:

“Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

What a fate, to destroy ourselves to have it “all” only to realize we have nothing once we’ve lost what is most precious: time and health. All too often, we see this in the startup world... The billion-dollar unicorn Founder/CEO/CTO/VC whose marriage is dead, behaves poorly toward others, parents poorly, and manages his/her health toxically. But they’re “successful” as far as silicon valley, Wall Street, and Inc. magazine are concerned, right? They’ve provided ROI for shareholders and experienced massive exit, but has this person experienced harmony within and outside themselves? Should we really idealize this person? Are they truly a success in life if their accomplishment in business has destroyed everything else around them?

So how do we pursue harmony? Jan Campbell, a nurse and contributing writer on ShareCare.com says:

“When you are living with balance in your life, you are living with peace and harmony every day. Balance comes in physical forms, emotional forms, and a spiritual form. Being in balance may mean something different to each individual. For me, having a balanced life means creating time for the things I have to do, as well as the things I like to do. We must all eat and sleep each day. Many of us must also work. Some go to school. It is up to each of us to create harmony between our life responsibilities while finding time daily, or weekly, to participate in activities that bring us pleasure, personal fulfillment, and rejuvenation. Eating healthy and finding time to do some form of physical exercise on a routine basis creates physical balance in our bodies. Adequate rest and sleep are also necessary for our bodies to rejuvenate and feel refreshed so we are able to take on other activities in our lives.

Balance also means making time for friends and family. This is part of our emotional balance. Having a support system is important and makes us feel cared for and loved, knowing there is someone else that cares about our wellbeing. It is also a good feeling to be supportive for another person that you love and care for. It becomes an equal relationship of giving and receiving, offering equal emotional balance. When a relationship is in balance, the circle of giving and receiving is complete. When this happens you know you have been blessed with a loving and caring person in your life that also recognizes the need for balance. Cherish and appreciate this person always.

It is also important to find quiet and down time as well as fun and playful time. Quiet or down time allows us to rejuvenate and refocus. This becomes our spiritual balance. Your body, mind, and spirit need time to refuel. Take some down time each day to reflect on the things that are important to you. Refuel your soul. This can be done in the form of yoga, meditation, or by simply just being quiet while listening to relaxing music. Use this time to reconnect with your inner spirit. Connect with your self-love and your appreciation for all that you have. You could also use this time to visualize your desires. This will create peace for you within your day and remind you who you really are and what is important.”

10 tips for entrepreneurs seeking a balanced life:

1. Take care of your physical and emotional health. Sick = unproductive. Tired = unproductive.
2. Practice determining good priorities. You can’t do everything nor should you. Learning to say “no” is one of your secret weapons.
3. View time as a tangible asset. Envision handing somebody or something X units of your time and remember you can’t get it back.
4. Seek efficiency, but allow for downtime and play. Both are vital to creativity and good health. (downtime and play take and deserve time. It’s ok, do it anyway.)
5. Be flowy… expect and welcome the unexpected. Learn from it. Grow.
6. Be positive. It’s proven that a positive mindset and grateful nature welcomes positivity and abundance.
7. Take risks, but don’t bet the farm. Know what your safety net needs to be and keep it securely in place.
8. Be introspective. Go on, ask yourself the hard questions, challenge yourself to be better, but know it’s a process and love yourself for taking it on.
9. Love others. Love yourself.
10. Remember, the only thing that matters in life is the impact you have on others.

This story is one of many published in my “Ideas Suck!” series found here.