“Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Here you go create another fable

You wanted to

Grab a brush and put a little makeup

You wanted to

Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup” — Systems of a Down

Dana had shaken me awake. I took the inside stairs down to get coffee. Dell and Kay were inside and Dan had made them breakfast. Then they informed me Dan was still in the kitchen.

“Dan, can you make Darin some pancakes?”

“Oh God no”, I buried my head in my hands.

All I wanted was to go back to sleep, but I had to work that morning.

“I’m not a daytime eater.”

“You mean you don’t eat breakfast dear?”, Kay looked concerned.

“Guilty”

“Oh honey, you should, it’s the most important meal of the day.”

Allison walked in for her shift. She said hello to us all sitting at the table but kept walking straight towards the time clock. She was followed by a few other employees. Nobody said, “Good Morning”, or “How are you all”. I didn’t realize that today the Judge in Cary’s trial would make the decision whether or not to move the trial. I guess I had been away from the White House more than I realized. And Dana. She doesn’t follow the trial as much as one might think.

I didn’t realize this would be the last few days I would see Dell and Kay.

“I loved your song the other night.” Kay slightly embarrassed me.

“I thought I was too drunk the other night to be good. “Tears for Fears, great band.” I said proudly.

“You ought to be out there making something of yourself with that voice.”

“Right. Well, the music industry is about to change drastically. I pulled out my MP3 player from my pocket and said, “This little box holds 400 songs. And you can download them from the internet onto here.” I said, holding my RCA Lyra.

“Well, I want to hear more of you”, Kay flattered me.

I was the non sequitur. “Have you seen Cindy yet?”

“No, not yet, she’s going to be here any moment.” Kay.

I excused myself to make an extra strong bloody mary at the bar.

Cindy walked into the side door, the one closest to the bar. “Darin, shouldn’t you be working in the kitchen?”

“I’m having breakfast with your parents.”

She didn’t retort, she just kept walking in Cindy’s gorilla gate, got-to-be-somewhere way.

I didn’t know what I should do. Dell and Kay were owners, as well as Cindy, so I just added some pickled beans and celery to my drink. Then I took it back to Dell and Kay’s table. Kay asked, “Is this your breakfast?”

“Yes, I had a somewhat weird night last night.”

Cindy marched, and I mean marched to our table. “Mom and Dad, we got about a 45 minutes before we have to leave. And Darin, you need to get to work.”

“Darin is our guest, and we have plenty of time.” Said Dell.

I felt that Cindy might be embarrassed from her breakdown the night before. The night the mighty Cindy cried and touched me hand. I almost said, “Let your parents touch my hand, maybe they need to cry too.” But I didn’t. I let it go.

“Cindy, sit down.” Dell ordered her, and she complied.

She looked uncomfortable. She looked sad. She was losing her religion.

Dell interrupted every negative or sad thing that was said by her. I was beginning to see why Cindy was so independent. So furious at life; and who wouldn’t be? But she continued to hard on me. “Darin, you have work to do, can you leave us?”

Dell vetoed that request.

“Dad, it’s the last day.” Cindy pleaded, for what I didn’t know. Later I learned that Carry was still in town, in jail.

“Dan! Where are Darin’s pancakes? He needs to eat something.”

“Really I don’t want anything.”

Cindy started crying. I excused myself. “I hope to see you two soon, are you going to be back today?

Dell said they would be.

“Good, hope to join you later” I said to Dell. I liked him; and the ever so sweet Kay.

Carry Stainer would be transferred that day, to a jail in San Jose to stand trial for the murders of four women.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

Josh came in. At some point after school he partied too much down in Merced with his school mates, and looked like shit. I was busy making salads, and deserts, and some prep, and some dishes because he was late.

“I hate you right now.”

“I hate this place.” He said.

“Yeah, I’m feeling it too.”

“You’re late because you partied too much, I have to live here, butt-head and if you’re late I have triple duties. Just so know. And Josh, I have issues going on here that I haven’t talked with you guys about, so give me a break If I sound pissed off.”

“Who are, “we guys?”

“You and Velvet”

“We’re not really a couple.”

“What?”

“No, really, Velvet and me are just kinda fuck lovers.”

“What the hell is a fuck lover?”

He hesitated for a moment, then, “It’s complicated. I mean I love my Mom, my brother, and you over her. Know what I mean? I mean…I’d rather be spending my time with any one of you than her, man.”

“Josh, I’m going to be living with her. Figure it out.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

Back at the Mariposa County Jail, transport had arrived for Cary. Cindy, Dell, and Kay had gone there to see Cary off. He was being transported to a jail in San Jose, where he would await trial, and sentencing. Dana only briefed me what went on. Kay was strong, Dell was silent, but loving towards his son when it mattered, and Cindy was in complete breakdown mode. Cary, in his orange, and shackles was escorted to a van. The kind of police van that had a barrier between the driver and passenger side and the rear seats. Dell and Kay, the serial killer's parents, and the serial killer's sister disappeared for the rest of the day. I’m not sure where they went. But I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like me calling them the parent’s, or sibling of a serial killer, but honestly, I could never think of them as being anyone else. My thought on that is that they were so lost with Steven’s death, combined with the double tragedy of losing both their sons, that their own identities were lost.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

That night, I called the Yosemite Bug Hostel to talk with David. I basically talked him into letting “Sam”, Josh’s fake I.D. name, stay with me in a room again; with a deposit. He agreed. I actually gave him the pink slip to my bike as a deposit, to be returned on a satisfactory exit. On doing so, he said, “How can I not let the most beautiful of men in Mariposa County not stay here?”

“He’s such a fag.” Josh pointed out the obvious.

“I’m one too.”

“But you’re different Darin, you’re just queer, gay, bi, whatever, David is a fag.”

“And you kissed me, a few times now, and you’re lovely girlfriend disclosed that you wanted to have sex with me.”

“I hope that’s not why we got this room.”

“No, and look me straight in the eye. I’m never going to have sex with you Josh.”

“You think I’m ugly don’t you?”

“Oh Josh, fuck you. Let's go down and get a few pints.”

A few hundred yards away, “Sam” and I had snakebites; beer and cider, mixed. David was bartending for a short bit, before his other half took over. We decided to move to the pool room to play around. “sam” went to break a five for quarters to play billiards. “Sam” entered the room. And some hillbilly followed.

“Ok, Sam, you will break”, I ordered as I removed the rack from the pool table.

The hillbilly just stood there, like he was waiting in line for the mens room, but was no potty in the billiards room.

“What’s your name, cowboy?” I asked him from afar.

“Friend of Eric’s”

You can’t get anymore hillbilly that this guy unless he wore overalls. His longish hair was even tangled for that added, extra I’ve-been-living-in-the woods effect. He was Joe Dirt, non-screen version.

I walked up to Joe Dirt, and reached out my hand. “Any friend of Eric’s is a friend of mine.” I made this very incendiary voice.

“I’m not shaking hands with no fag!”

“Well Jethro, you better get the hell out of this room before this fag beats you up, and then you will have to tell your racist asshole friends that you got beat up by a fag.”

I have an intimidating face when I’m pissed, and then he started for the other room. Hillbilly turned around and looked at me, “I didn’t mean you, I meant him.” he said, pointing to Josh.

“Sam? A fag? No, I’m the one you wouldn’t shake hands with, and what did you say, oh, something like “I’m not shaking hands with no fag. You meant me you little pussy. I could feel my face grow meaner.

“Hey, I’m just leaving man, no bad feelings.” Hillbilly said walking towards the exit.

I walked towards him, and through the bar with my cue stick in hand. I followed him out the door with my cue stick in hand. And then, I lost it, with my cue stick in hand. Hillbilly fell on the gravel.

“No really, I didn’t mean you!” he said.

“Oh really? I’m so sorry. Here, let me help you up.” I took his hand, and pulled him from the ground. I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t mean you too!”

If you can’t save it, leave it dying on the road

Wide open arms can feel so cold

So cold

Feel so cold”

MGMT

It was a new moon. The trail to Jennifer’s house, where Josh and his family lived was unusually dark. The first time a blackberry branch scratched up my ankle, I went back to the White House to get my hiking head lamp so I could see. I embarked on the trail again, this time it was lit up. I felt like crying. Nothing was that difficult for me then, I just felt like I was walking through three feet of sand. And, I was anxious. Just when I heard the barks of the Jennifer’s dogs, I turned around again and walked the whole length back to to the white house. Once I was back on the pavement of the parking lot at the White House, I turned back around determined that I was going to make it through whatever ales me. And it’s probably the lack of Ale.

This time I heard the dogs barking, I walked right past them and let myself in Jennifer and Josh’s home. After months of living in Mariposa, or officially, Bootjack, formalities at Jennifer’s had become non-existent. Me and Jennifer met after her shift at her place when Josh was in night school, Tuesday, after Tuesday for months then. She was already at our makeshift bar table.

“Beer’s in the fridge”

“Would I ever show up without some Stoli?” I had become Jennifer’s male, masculine, version of the 90’s hit-brits show character “Patsy” on “Absolutely Fabulous”; always with a Stoli bottle in hand pulled out of a leather jacket. “But a beer sounds good, as long as it’s not Heineken.” Jennifer laughed and said she bought my favorite, “Mickeys”. I grabbed a Mickeys from the fridge, and grabbed two shot glasses from the cupboard.”

“My turn for the trivia question tonight. Loser takes two shots. And one embarrassing truth.”

“I can’t believe your a nurse sometimes”

Jennifer smirked a little: very rare that she smiles.

“Who is the 60’s band that can whose name means, Monarch Red?”

“Aww, a deduction question, I love those you know. You must want to drink tonight. Ok, Red, can be Crimson. Monarchs are Queens, Kings…King Crimson!”

Jennifer took two shots of stole and started working on her mickeys.

“So Jennifer, you told me a long time ago, well, not that long ago, that you had something to tell me about the Stayners. Oh, and by the way, how was your day Missy?” I had become very casual over the months with the formalities gone.

“I need another shot.”

“Well, I’m never one to deny that, but what is up, it’s been a long time waiting.”

“Carry might not be the only killer.”

“What do you mean?”

“Rumor, and this is just a rumor that Carry had an accomplice kill his uncle.”

“What?”

Jennifer looked around. She looked anywhere but my eyes. What was so interesting about the fridge?

“Cary’s uncle was shot with his own gun under mysterious circumstances years before carry committed any murders around here.” She shifted in her chair as she continued. “The investigation showed there was no way he could have committed the crime. There might be another with him. Somebody who helped big time, and it’s a big region with lots of woods. People going missing from Merced might have wound up anywhere. I’m just saying be careful. I am sure the Stayners you are working for have nothing to do with this, but I’m just saying..just warning.”

“You are drunk aren’t you? A lot of people still think Cary did that.”

“The investigators said no.”

“Yeah, and he was drawing weird subjects then too. A failed cartoonist. I think this is urban lore.”

“Well, if you think it’s bullshit, just hang around the family enough”

She was right. I’ve had experienced nothing but weirdness from them. I even gradually grew to dislike some of Dana’s friends who I felt an obligation to hang around when I was with her; people I’d never normally hang out with.

She excused herself to go to bed early without telling me the reason she was feeling like getting drunk.

On the trail back home, I felt better with some booze under my belt. My headlamp lit the way. Once home, not even the porch light was on, and Dell and Kays home-on-wheels was dark too. I could see Dana’s television shimmering in different colors, and light tones. She was still up. She wasn’t like me who liked to fall asleep with something on.

I got to the landing on the outside stairs to the White House second floor.

“Hey, you got see this.” Dana said, with her habit of grabbing my clothing to herd me. As I walked through the hall, I blurted out, “So what’s with this Carry’s accomplice still being on the loose?” I was drunk.

Dana quickly dismissed it as urban legend. She then asked me to go downstairs to get us a couple of sodas from the bar. Yeah, just sodas. I hate how Dana can remain sober right now.

I walked down the inside stairs, then fumbled my way to the light switches. I knew the row of switches by heart. I flipped on the bar lights.

Cindy was sitting in the darkness at a bar table with her hand to her forehead. She was crouched over a bottle of wine. Tears were streaming down her face.

She was mean in my mind, so even though my natural instinct was to approach her, I thought she might be hostile to it. And fuck, just leave her alone, there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better.

I got two tall cocktail glasses and filled them with ice and sodas from the bar fountain.

The words came from nowhere from me; “Cindy, can I get you anything?”

No words from her. I noticed what she was drinking. I grabbed another bottle of a local wine, opened it and grabbed two more glasses. Then I made the amazing decision to sit down with her with it all. She was still sobbing, seemingly to take no notice of me.

“Cindy.” I said, “your bottle is almost empty.” I emptied part of a new one into two empty red wine glasses. She looked away, still crying.

I spoke the first words because I knew what was going on, or at least thought I did.

“If it were my brother, I’d be sulking in a glass of bottle of wine or two. Probably two so I brought another.”

“Why aren’t you at your boyfriends?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. You seem to have this way with veiled insults. Well, it wouldn’t be an insult”

“Why are you only here anymore when you are scheduled to work?”

“To give you all space.” Then daringly, “ and to not be your personal punching bag.”

She started sobbing more, “I’m so sorry, I don’t want there to be any more victims of our shit.”

“If I lost ONE brother I’d be flipped out, especially after regaining him back. But TWO?” I pushed a new glass of wine towards her.

“Really? WHAT if it were your brothers. Really?” She looked at me for the first time that night.

“I might carry myself like you do. I might carry myself as a warrior like you do, but on the verge of tears at any moment like you are.”

Cindy chugged the glass of wine like a frat boy might do with a beer. I was amazed. I wasn’t amazed that she could knock down a bottle of wine by herself, but that she, being who she was could do it. Up until this moment just then, I felt her as being non-human: incapable of feeling anymore.

“So, Cindy, you must feel this everyday and night…”

“They moved his trial to San Jose”, I won’t be able to see him now like I can.

“I know.”

“You don’t know shit. You come from a perfect family…..Dana says. Why are you here Darin?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I’m interested in absolutely everything, and your problems didn’t scare me. And honestly, I don’t know if it could ever happen in my family. We have our issues too. My brother escaped from a mental ward in a nearby town where I live, he never got help afterwards”

Then I nailed it it; “The notion that we have little control over peoples lives, and that includes our parents, and brothers, and sisters is bullshit. We have no control. Everything they do is on their own accord.”

I wasn’t ready for her to grab my hand, but she did.

“I don’t know how’d I feel Cindy. All that I know, is that at some point, I’d have to let got of it all, and I’d have no idea when, or if that that time would come for me.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

“Hey.” I felt a hand rubbing my shoulder. “Morning time!” It was Dana. I was in my bed feeling no pain still. And, Cindy Stayers words from earlier this morning were still reverberating in my head. “What if if were your brothers?”

“I remember when the most valued person in my life, my brother Don, stuck a needle in his arm in front of me a few years back. It didn’t change, he was still the most valued person in my life, and that is my own brother.” I reportedly said in my sleep as Dana was still trying to wake me up. I thought I was still talking to Cindy. I had said those words the night before. Like I said, words were reverberating in my head.

Long days had gone by before I got my jobs down. But I still felt like I was moving in three feet of sand. I was slow. I was not hungover, but just down. Sad. I even felt sad for Eric who Josh just days ago, had cavalierly pushed down from a deck railing he was sitting on, into a thicket of thorns. Why does life have to be this way?

Reverberating is a good word for that morning. I was in the shower upstairs, sitting in the corner of it, letting the hot rains of water hit my body, with thought of the night before just repeating, kept reverberating. My older brother is a heroin addict. I could be feeling some of what Cindy has felt for years at any moment.

“Cause I’m slipping into the Charlie Manson blues.

I’m a stupid dressed Jesus son.

Whoa, goddammit!

Shit!”- The Flaming Lips

Cary was in his orange prison suit, shackled as usual. Dana and I hid in the crowd of reporters as he was escorted into the back door of the Mariposa County courthouse. She began to tear up, and I just laid my hand on her back to comfort her. He disappeared inside with his jailers.

The court would have a media blackout today. Nobody but attorneys, and family were let in. Dana didn’t want to accompany Cary’s sister Cindy, who was a wreck. She was glad to have the trial moved, but anytime she’s at the courthouse, she lost her composure. Cindy was dressed to the nines, and except for a little smeared make-up, she looked great. But she wasn’t acting great. We all know the feeling of having to buck up and hold back tears.

“Dana, unless you want to go inside, we’re just going to hear a bunch of reporters talking about Cary and Steven. Let’s go home.”

“Yeah, I won’t be able to turn them off from here.” She referred to how she does when stories about her family appear on the news at night.

We got into Dana’s truck and drove back to the White House. She was tearful. But it was intermittent like a spring rain. We didn’t talk the whole way home. Once home, she took the outside stairway to our dwellings. Quickly.

I had no idea what to do for her. I just went to my room and changed into my shorts, because it was an unseasonably hot day. I figured Dana would talk to me when she was ready.

News trucks started pulling up to the White House. I wasn’t aware of this. Dan came running upstairs, “Dana, Darin!” The press is here.”

“Dan, did you ever think that we’re the only steak house in town? Well, we are. They’re here to eat. Relax. I’ll wait on them.”

I took the inside-stairs down to the restaurant. Steve was cooking. I told him what was going on, and that Dan shouldn’t be helping, but I could help him anyway I knew how to do.

Allison was making salads, and garnishing desserts. Nobody was at the bar, so I had to take that on too.

I took a plate to another table where two men were sitting nearby, waiting to be ordered on. I recognized a KCRA Sacramento reporter as being one of them. I overheard Rich Iberia say, “I know that family lives in this town now somewhere.”, and I almost started laughing. If you only knew half of them were upstairs and owned this fucking place, you would feel like a moron.’’

Some other reporters sat at the bar, where I went up to greet and serve them.

“I hope they fry Stayner” I heard one of them say.

“Howdy, I’m Darin, what can I do for you.”

“A couple of Sierra Nevada Pale Ales would be nice” The bubble headed bleach blonde asked.

“Anything to munch on, we have a bar menu.” I asked.

“No, I ordered two beers, not lunch.”

Wow, what a bitch.

I reached into the cooler for two chilled mugs, and thought, fuck it -they deserve bottles with no luxury. I just popped open two Sierra Nevadas’ and laid them in front of them.

Reporters were making everyone nervous. I decided to be an asshole. “Do you want pickled pigs feet, pork rinds, or Rocky Mountain oysters with those?”

“I just told you we aren’t here for lunch.” Bleach blonde said with annoyance in her voice.

“How about a vegemite sandwich?” I had no idea what that even was, I just heard it on a song somewhere.

Then, the bleach blonde started laughing. “Ok, you’re funny. I guess some nachos sound good.”

Not what I wanted to hear; I was trying to get her and her cameraman to storm off.

“Hey, got a question for you. I saw Cary Stayners sister walk into the courthouse this morning and wondered if you might know her, or where she lives around here.”

“I am new, sorry, I don’t know any of the people you are talking about. I just moved here from Nevada City, California.”’

“Well, I should have known you aren’t from around here, you don’t sound like a country bumpkin.” She said, growing my disdain for her.

After the lunch rush was over, I headed back upstairs, where Dan and Dana, were arguing yet again. “So put some sunglasses on him, and have him drive the Beemer to pick her up! I need her here.”

It was none of my business really, but I told Dan that me picking her up at the courthouse, Cindy, was not a good idea. That we needed people who would never suspect they were associated with the Stayner family to remain anonymous, and disassociated. Then, I quipped, “She’s probably wanting to be on TV anyway.”

Cindy was on a shit ton of television documentaries and news stories talking about her tragic family members: Steven, and Carry, before my arrival.

I grew some assertiveness, “She can’t be on TV and be associated with this business.”

Dan went back to staring at his 10 gigabyte computer, not answering me at all.

Dana, “He’s right you know. Oh, lets send someone who looks like Charlie Sheen to pick up the infamous wife of yours. If it gets out that our restaurant if owned by a murderer's family, a tragic family, we are done, Dan. And I care more about making this business work than your narcissistic wife crying on live TV. You act like you invested solely in this business, when it was Mom, and Del and Kay, and part of my inheritance too, you asshole. Nobody is going to associate you with Cindy, so get down there, and help make this business what it could be.”

Dan ignored his sister for a moment.

Then, out of the blue, “Darin, I volunteered you for the chamber of commerce board on business computer technology, hope you don’t mind. You know, teach them to create websites, set up web stores, point of sale applications”

“That's’ great Dan let's take advantage of my friend as much as possible” Shouted Dana.

Dan was sweating, and look like he was about to have a heart attack at any moment.

“Well, he’s good. Better than you.”

Dana stormed off into her bedroom, leaving 3 people short in the restaurant.

“Dan, you still owe me for repairs on my bike.” I didn’t know why I said that. I guess I just wanted to be a bitch. Then I went down the hall to Dana’s room, where she was on her bed crying..

“Mind if I come in?”

I laid next to her and held her for a bit.

“All I want is for this business to work. Nobody seems to give a damn about it over Carry’s murder trial. I hope they decided to move it to San Jose.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Josh was almost off work. I went to the dish pit to talk to him.

“I need to get out of here tonight, what’s going on for you? How about we wrap ourselves in blankets and watch the sunset at the point tonight.”

“Darin, the harvest party is tonight.”

“Great, but can we do that first. Me, you, and Velvet? I loved those times”

“Yeah sure, I’ll let Velvet know. Or maybe you should since you’re going to be living with her.”

“I thought you wanted me to”

“Darin, I do, don’t get me wrong.

“Well, what’s with the attitude?”

“I overheard Dan say that you are going to be on a technology board. I want to be on the board of something!”

“Oh, I see. You’re not even 21 yet, and you want to be on the board of “something.” I mocked him. Then I said “ You’re finished for the day, leave the rest for the evening guy. I will take the blame if Dan or Dana freaks out. Let's go to my room and relax, smoke a joint, have some Captain Morgan and coke. “

“That sounds fucking great to me he said, as he walked immediately away from the dish pit.”

Upstairs in my room, Josh had a lot to say.

“You know, I didn’t think I cared, but it seems like all Velvet talks about is you. It’s like that old show The Brady Bunch where the middle girl always says “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha”. I have to hear, “Darin, Darin, Darin.”

“Oh fuck, don’t be envious of me for that, or resentful for her for that. It seemed like you nearly threw us together. You wanted me to live with her, and that’s about to happen, but if you don’t think that’s cool — I will not move in with her.”

“Your life is so interesting, and mine is boring.” he said, taking a shot of Captain Morgan with no mixer.”

“You know what Josh, I had the most fun up at the point with you guys, kicking back, talking, and watching the sunset these past few months. I miss that.”

“I know, I did too. You’re right, we should do it tonight.”

“Want to use my phone to call Velvet?”

Later that evening, we found ourselves back at Jennifer’s house, where Josh grabbed a bunch of blankets, and Velvet met with us. They kissed, and hugged witch made a lot of pressure dissipate for me. I was glad.

We took Jennifer’s old truck to the point where it seemed like old times; warm summer sunsets, only we were wrapped in blankets, and sitting on sleeping bags. We all snuggled together and watched an earlier than summer sunset, a fall sunset.

“Hey Velvet, are you sure you want me to move in. Josh here expressed some misgivings about it. And he wants to be on the board of “somthing”, I rubbed his head to let him know I was kidding. Partially.

“Yeah. But only if I get to see you guys kiss right now, because I’m not having any jealousy. I want us all to be together.”

I was more hesitant than Josh over the conditional agreement. And so we did, with Velvets arm around us both, Josh and I made out.”

“That’s what I wanted to see, no jealousy”

Then I joked, “If you ever make out with me again, fucking shave.”

“Yeah, not shit Josh, I’ve told you how much it irritates my skin.” Velvet jokingly complained.

“Well, just because I don’t want any jealously either, I want to see you and Darin make out.”

“Alright. And me and Velvet kissed in front of the sinking sun.

“Ok, I’m cold, let's get to this party.”

We loaded up everything into the back of Jennifer’s truck and took off.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

We walked into an older home just in the outskirts of town, in Cathey’s Valley. I recognized Jen (another Jen) who was hosting the party with her shitty band, Wild Weed. They played at the White House a few times, and could clear the bar almost as fast as my Barbra Streisand bar-clearing C.D. Sometimes, I don’t like people, well almost, because their art is so bad, and when I see Jen, I think of how bad her music is. I thought she was lame.

Velvet, Josh and me retreated to the back porch to light up before we were even social with anybody.

The kid whom I bloodied his nose was there. I thought Jen would be cooler than to invite a white supremacist. He was so obviously a member of the Aryan Nation wearing a wife beater with a gas station jacket, open with a god damn swastika on it.

Jen came out to the porch to chat with us, because she wanted us to come in and join the party.

“Are you guys going to hang out on the porch together all night, or are you going to come in and say hi to folks?”

“If your folks include Nazis, maybe not.” I answered, looking directly at Eric.

Josh, “That little asshole trashed a room at the Yosemite Bug just to make us look bad, and it worked.”

“Yeah, I beat that guy up, and he deserved it. And he’s a closet homo Nazi little prick.” I angrily added to the conversation. What’s he even doing here?”

“Is your band mate a Nazi too?” I asked, meanly.

“Naw, they’ve just been friends since grade school.”

We made the rounds, mostly to people who already knew who I was, and then Jen’s horrible band started playing, a Bluegrass and rock combo was their genre. It was horrid. Josh, Velvet and I retreated to the deck again, where we saw Eric smoking a joint, sitting on the railings.

“Oh here come the fags and their fag hag” he said.

Josh without any hesitation pushed him over the railing, where Eric landed in a big thicket of tall, thorny blackberry bushes.

Eric started screaming. Nobody heard him but us because of Jens’ shitty band being so loud.

I knew then, I would probably have to protect Josh as long as I lived there. We left immediately without telling anyone what happened.

“A race is on, I’m on your side

And here in you, my engines die

I’m in a mood for you

Or running away

Stars come down in you

And love, love, love

You can’t give it away” — The Psychedelic Furs

Long talks on dark nights took place for days. As much as we liked sleeping outdoors, for the three of us that is, it had become simply too cold. The holidays were around the corner. Josh invited me to a harvest party, which meant a marijuana harvest party. The local “in’ band was going to playing.

I was silent for a little too long I guess.

“What’s wrong man? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“What’s right? I’m living with a family that is broken. I think I’m in love with somebody who can’t love me back. I have people who love me who I can’t love back. I miss sleeping with you and Velvet every night.”

“Who can’t love you back?” Josh asked, and a then, “I might be able to help you with that. I know everybody. Is it the Sheriff’s daughter? “

I rolled over in his bed, “It’s you.”

Agonizing silence. “I love you too.”

Just the answer I wanted to hear then, “But not in that way. I know I kissed you, but that was on a dare.”

“But you were amazed by it, it took you away. I remember at the point when you even denied it to Velvet. That told me, you didn’t want to admit to it, but you sure were floored by it.”

“Darin, you’re beautiful. If I was going to be with a guy, it would be you. My mom even encouraged me to go after you. You can have anyone you want…but me. I’m so sorry man.” Then he kissed my cheek, and squeezed my chest from behind.

I was heartbroken. “Then that doesn’t leave me with much choice. I will either leave or go after someone who’s after my own heart.”

“Who's that?”

“Go get ready for school.”

“I’m so sorry man, I love you so much, I can’t imagine you leaving.”

Then he kissed my on my cheek again and bit my earlobe.

A tear ran down the side of my face, and I quickly got rid of it before Josh could notice”

“Get to school, everything is fine.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Velvet saw my car at Jennifer’s house, and walked inside. I was crying in Josh’s bed.

“What’s going on?”

“ Oh, a little unrequited love.”

“What does that mean?”

“When you love someone, or vice versa, that can’t return your love.”

“You’re talking about Josh?”

“Yeah”

“Well, why do you want him?”

“Because we have so much fun together, we like doing the same things. I love his Mom, his family. He gets me.”

“He doesn’t deserve you.”

“What?”

“You are as you like to say, “broken”. Did we always not have fun together”

“Fun does not a relationship make.”

I grabbed a pillow, and held it against my face, blocking my tears away from her.

She pulled it back. It’s ok to be sad. Let me see you cry.”

“I know we messed around once, but Josh does something for me. I feel something different than I do for you.”

She hesitated. “Josh wants to have sex with you.”

“Yeah, I kinda get that, but it’s not the same. He’s too young for a what I want, and all he want’s seems experimental, trendy, and to let this community know I’m his; he wants a dad he never had. I don’t want any of those things.”

“I was going to come over and ask if you wanted to live in my now vacant room. I hate living alone, and Josh and I just wouldn’t be able to hang right now.”

“Yes.”

“You will”

“Yes.” I repeated. Then hugged her. Her long black hair tickles my bare back. I liked it.

I was excited to move in with Velvet. I didn’t know, but I thought Josh would be excited too.

“He’s going to freak.”

“No, he wants you to. Working for the Stayner's is one thing, but living with them…well, I can’t imagine. Josh doesn’t want you there either, even though you and Dana are good friends”.

“I’ve never seen your place. You have school today?”

“No, let’s go”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

I gave her my spare motorcycle helmet.

“You’re still in tears, can you drive?”

I looked from one side to the other, and said, “No.”

“Then lets walk she said, grabbing my free hand.”

I was sobbing like a baby. Tears ran down my eyes so much it distorted my vision.”

Velvet grabbed my spare helmet and put it inside Jennifer’s house, saying, “It will be safe.”

Everything looked better as we neared her place on the trail; ferns, redwoods, streams, everything. “My house is just up here. It’s kind of a weird duplex I share with a really cool renter.”

There was a stream nearby that the news I would run into a stranger made me want to be presentable. I washed my face in it. It was really cold.

Velvets’ place as surrounded by a deck and covered with a stained natural siding. It had a thatched roof, like the kind you see in the U.K, and some out buildings for a chicken coup, and a sauna next to a hot tub.

She’s a trust fund baby. I didn’t need to see anymore.

“YOU, are Darin. Or Charlie Sheen. Sorry, you are talked about a lot here. I’m Jordan,” he said with his hand extended”

Jordan looked like the lead singer from the Dandy Warhols. Someone so sexy, I was for the first time in my life, stupidly without words.

I’m Barry, I mean Darin. Barry is my last name.”

I loved that place, the idea of living with Velvet, and Jordan. But, what Josh might think still bothered me.

Velvet showed me my room. It was awesome with a skylight. I knew I was going to love it here, but my heart was still broken.

I hope to God I’m talkin’ metaphorically

I hope that I’m talkin’ allegorically

Know that I’m talkin’ about the way I feel,

And I’ve never met a girl like you before.” — Edwin Collins

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

“You know Corey, I think you need to slow down.” Cindy pulled her sisters glass to her space.

The White house bar was lit up with big white string lights, and giant blue Papier-mâché stars covered in blue string lights. A DJ was playing. Lights swung around the room; red, purple, yellow, green. The music was so loud we could barely hear ourselves converse. Some horribly out-of-tune voice was trying to sing someone unknown, at least to me, country song. Except for the country music, the ancient White House bar looked like an inner-city night club; at least the lights did.

Corey pulled back her drink from her sister Cindy. “That’s mine thank you.” Corey said, looking, and acting already sloppy drunk.

“He’s got a girlfriend!”Cindy tried to explain with quietness, putting on hand the side of her face, like this action would mumble her words more.

“Yeah, and that’s going to be me. I’m going to fuck him tonight.”

Cindy looked composed but her eyes told everything. She was holding back tears. She was amazing composed considering how her sister was behaving. We had Allison who worked with us at the White House, Allison’s’ husband Jay, Dana, and one of the owners of Pony Espresso seated with us.

No wonder Dell and Kay don’t sit with their family often.

“Darin, sing something!. They have everything.” Dana, master of changing subjects interjected.

“Ok.” I agreed, still sort of grossed out by Corey’s behavior.

I walked up on the stage and spoke with the DJ; “Higher reverb, and much bass.” Then I grabbed a mic. And speaking to the audience, I said;”Here’s one you might know.” The guitars started. I sang Melt With You, by Modern English. When I got back to the table, I noticed a not-to-hard to look at, well built, dark haired guy had joined us.

“Darin, this is Steve.” Cindy said.

“Pleasure.” I shook his hand.

“Steve’s a boy-toy if I’ve ever seen one.” Corey flirted as if Steve wasn’t there. She looked ripped, and her words were sliding.

Cindy looked uncomfortable while Allison, and Jay just gave a knowing smirk to each other, while Patty pretended that something in the distance caught her eye.

“Drink Steve?” I offered.

“Got one.” He held up some sort of cocktail.

“I’ll take a bourbon seven.” Corey assumed; demanded.

“You’re done Correy. Forget that Darin.” Cindy was becoming indignant.

“Fuck you old lady!”

There was silence for a bit, except for some asshole singing “Who let the Dogs Out” on stage. I my best change-of-subject skills I’d learned from Dana, “Live around here Steve?”

Cindy answered; “He’s right around the corner and he’s our new chef.” She looked proud, and momentarily seemed to forget Corey’s behavior.

“Cool Steve, where have you worked before…”

He was in mid answer as I saw Corey’s bare foot pop up from under the table onto Steve’s crotch, as Corey sank ridiculously low in her seat.

“Ok, Corey, no more.” Grabbing Corey’s cocktail, Cindy took it to the bar where she told the bartender Corey was cut off. She returned. She was inscesded at Corey. “I’m going to get Dan to take you home. You’re not ruining this night too.”

Laughing, “Fuck you old lady. I’m not letting that fat old man of your drive me home, he might just try for something he can’t have. And if he does, I’ll scratch his eyes out.”

“Then I will get someone else to get you out of here.”

“I will walk home bitchey, bitch, bitch!” Then Correy puffed her cheeks out to mimic Cindy’s facial fatness.

“Allison, Jay, Steve, I’m thinking this is a good time for me to step out and have a smoke. Anyone’s welcome to join, even if you don’t smoke.” I smirked.

Nobody joined me. I guess a mass exodus would be rude.

“Darin….over here.” Josh said in a raised, but quiet tone. He and Velvet were sitting on the rock wall near the trail entrance smoking. Josh had been off work since quite a while ago, why was he still here?

“Dude, sit down and check this out. That Correy crawled through Steves windows in the back of his pick-up?” Velvet was laughing.

We watched corey in the dimness of the yellow street lamps wiggle her hips into the cab of his single door pick-up. She then tried to squeeze her body down between back of the bench seat and the wall. And she did.

“What the fuck?” I asked everyone.

“Inside, she said she was determined to fuck Steve, I think she means it.” I answered myself.

“What does she plan to do, jump out and say, “Oh take me Steve, only I would sneak home in the back of your truck for you. I’m not stalking you or anything.” Velvets’ sarcasm came through.

“Wanna swig?” Josh offered a bottle of Jack Daniels to me.

“No, and stay out of your Mom’s liquor cabinet. Poor lady.”

“I didn’t get this from my Mom, I bought it myself.”’

“Oh, you’re I.D. that looks like Matt Damon’s” I joked.

Dell and Kay closed the White House doors behind them. They walked to their motorhome where it wasn’t too long before most of their lights went out. We didn’t say goodnight to them as we didn’t think we could be seen, or want to be seen. Especially when we had alcohol outside of legal boundaries. But we did want to watch the drama that unfolded when Steve finally pulled out of the White House Parking lot.

I saw come outside under the porch light being orbited with moths, and lit a gig. I could tell she was unordered. “Josh.” I tried to get his intention using my “inside” voice. “Hide the bottle.” He did.

“Dana…..Dana….DANA!

“Darin, that you? You’re supposed to be inside, they just announced you were singing again.” She was looking around like a blind person trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.

“Over here by the trail.” I tried to get her to come to us.

I waved my arms. “OVER HERE!”. I twirled my cigarette in around in the air to attract her vision.

“There you guys are.” She said, nearing us having a seat on the wall next to me. What are you guys doing out here?

“Well, little miss Corey, determined to fuck Steve, just climbed into the back windows of Steve’s pick-up, and then shimmed her skinny self behind the seat and the wall. We want to see what happens.”

“It’s going to be a while, Steve, Allison, and Jay are all about to sing “Love Shack, and you’re supposed to sing Root 66 my Depeche Mode. I came to find you. “

“Like I want to go in and deal with Cindy.”

“Darin, she’s actually acting like nothing happened.”

“Ok guys.” I addressed Velvet and Josh, “I will come out when Steve is about to. Stay here.”

I could hear out of time voices singing to the instrumental of “Love Shack” by the B52’s as I came through the door through the kitchen with Dana in tow. After a drunken applause, I got on stage. The opening few bars to “Enjoy the Silence” sounded like a karaoke version, a mere counterfeit of the real music. I got on stage again. I was complimented on my stage presence by Steve, probably because I knew most of these words and could look and audience in the eye.

“Words like violence

Break the silence

Come crashing in

Into my little world”, I moved to the opposite end of the stage to sing to that crowd, and something in the window caught my eye. It was Josh and Velvet peeking in.

I continued to make eye contact with people in the audience,

“Painful to me,

Pierce right through me

Can’t you understand

Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted

All I ever needed

Is here in my arms

Words are very unnecessary

They can only do harm…”

I finished and after a few more songs, someone got on the PA and said we’d be finished with Karaoke soon, but the bar would be open an hour later.

“Hey everyone, good job tonight. Take’s a lot of guts to get up there.”

“You seem at home.” Dan complimented me.

“Dan came from behind the bar, sweating, and panting, wiping his forehead with his sleeve as he joined our table.

“We did good tonight, babe.” He said to Cindy. Then, “Darin, can you cover the bar for a bit?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

I walked up to the bar where I was met by a bunch of drunken 20 somethings. “You in a band?” One of them asked? But before I could answer, I noticed a spittoon had spilt into the ice bin on the bar.

“UM, Dan. DAN! There’s no way I’m cleaning out this ice bin.”

Dan started laughing and said, “Guess we’ll have to close soon, I don’t feel like doing either.”

“Mam, would you like your long Island with a little human tobacco spit in it?” I asked the patron who just ordered a drink. “Tell you what, I’m going to get some Ice from the kitchen, and this will be the last round and then we’re closing. I did that, got a huge container of Ice called a “Cambro” and brought it to the bar.

“Anyone ever tell you that you look just like Charlie Sheen?” Some drunken weaved haired girl asked.

“No never.” I sarcastically replied.

They kept ordering drinks, and It was getting close to closing time; I knew how to get them out.

I Cindy had some Barbara Streisand CD hidden somewhere around the bar library. I put it it on and had the place cleared out in less than ten minutes.

Worrying that Steve would leave before I cleaned up, I asked if he wanted to see how easy it was to do. He said sure.

“Well, when your boss leaves the spittoon in a stupid place where it can fall into the ice bucket, you let him clean up, and just ignore it so he can deal with it in the morning. Then it’s basically, you run everything through, the dishwasher and leave it. Print this out on the register, and put it under the till. Count your tips, divide and leave. More tomorrow. Super nice to meet you Steve, I got to go.” Then I walked outside to meet Josh and Velvet.

“Sexy voice dude!” said Velvet.

“We’ve still got a few minutes, any more Jack left? I asked?

“Yes, here.” Josh handed me the bottle.

“Has Correy moved from the truck?” I asked

“No, not at all; probably passed out.”

I started laughing. This is going to be fun.

I heard lots of loud good nights after the music was killed. Cindy and Dan walked out following Steve arm in arm. “We look forward to working with you!” Shouted Dan. Then he added, “Drive safely.”

He pulled down the White House driveway, then suddenly fishtailed. Dan and Cindy turned around. There was a woman’s cackle coming from the truck. The truck’s tires slid across bare gravel and came to a stop. Velvet, Josh, and myself all were laughing so hard it hurt. Cindy and Dan could here us, but not see us and refocused their attention on the truck drama.

“How the fuck did you get behind there?” Shouted Steve to the inside of the truck, to Corey.

She just kept laughing.

“Corey! What the hell are you doing?” Cindy shouted loudly enough for Dell and Kay to turn their motorhome lights to go back on.

“You guys stay here.” I told Josh and Velvet.

I walked up to Steve, and the truck just as Dan did.

“Corey, you need help getting out of there?” Dan asked kindly. More kindly than I would. Definitely more kindly than Cindy would.

She just kept laughing. I could hear Josh and Velvet laughing too.

“Come on, you have to get out of there, Steve needs to work in the morning.”

More laughing. She sounded like a cackling woman that had smoked for 40 years.

“Come on Corey, Dan needs to get going? She popped her torso up from behind the seat with her hands.

“What, is he some sort of perv like Darin there?” She pointed at me. I hear you’re a bi, ya city freak.”

“Corey, just get out of there.” Dan pleaded.

“Only if Steve and Darin help me out. You bi too Steven? Maybe we can have a little get together at your place.” Corey was drunker than even I thought.

Nobody answered her, we just wanted to get her out without calling the Jaws of life, or some accident extraction device emergency personal are equipped with.

“Correy, lift up with your hands again, I’m going to try to pull your hips out.” I instructed.

She was laughing the whole time. “Ok faggot, grab my hips, I don’t care, you’re just a faggot anyways.”

I reached behind the seat and wasn’t gentle about grabbing her hips. “NOW push with your hands.”

Steve jumped in and grabbed her legs, breaking off one of her high heels as he forced one of her legs out from behind the seat.

“Those were expensive faggot.” She said to Steve, saying her favorite word of the night, yet again.

Cindy walked back into the swirl of moths, waving through them with her extended arm and closed the kitchen door behind her, clearly pissed off.

“This is all faltering and all, but I have a girlfriend. Besides, getting called a fag is a compliment, got anything else?”

“I’ll bet your girlfriends isn’t half the hot one I am.”

“You guys, I got this.” Dan helped Corey with her broken shoe out of the driver side door. She fell onto him immediately then onto the gravel.

More laughs from my friends came out of the darkness.

“You ok sweetie?” asked Steve as he helped her up.

“I’m fine. Thought you wouldn’t care anyways faggot.” She said.

Dan, “Think you can get her home?”

“Fuck you all, I’m staying right here, part of my money is in this place.”

A coupe of shadows swept over the back end of Steve’s truck.

“JOSHEY, and Polyester! What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for Darin to get off work?” They were good at answering in unison, I noticed for the first time.

Corey hugged Josh way too long.

“Ok, we all need to work in the morning. Get in everyone. Velvet, you get in first, then Josh, then you sweetheart.” Steve was getting agitated.

Velvet slid in, then Josh. “Velvet, you are going to have to sit on Josh’s lap.” I slid in then pulled Corey in, who stumbled because of her broken high heel.

“You broke my shoe you fags.” Corey.

Then she demanded a drink from Joshe’s bottle. “No way”.He said.

She got demanding, and stupid, hit Josh.

“Feel like a punching bag this week Josh?” I joked.

Suddenly Steve slid off the sidereal and came to a stop. He reached over my legs looking for something. Then he pulled out a festival cup, a martini glass, probably from some Cinco De Mayo event he went to.

“Poor her a big one.” Steve demanded.

Josh did without protest.

“Follow me outside the truck sexy little one, I got something for you.” Said Steve. Corey opened the door with some effort and almost fell out of the truck. Corey looked like she had a broken ankle because her shoe was broken but she managed to hold her drink and meet Steve at the rear of the truck, where he turned to run back into the truck and slam the door shut.

He then, punched the gas, and the rest of us looked back to see her bewildered, holding a big plastic martini glass, limping around with her broken shoe. She spat at us in vain as she disappeared in the dust, and visibility from our retreating rear break lights.

“You can’t just leave her there?” Velvet looked upset.

Steve answered her, “I’m just scaring her a bit”

We drove a few minutes then Steve turned the truck around.

We found Corey practically walking down the middle of highway 49 with her shoe in one hand, and her drink in the other. At least she can still walk.

Steve turned around retrieve her. “Get in. And behave. I’ll take you home.”

“FUCK YOU ALL!”

“Ok, I’ll have Dan and Cindy come pick you up.” Steve.

“Well, fucking phone them then, because Im not riding with you all!”

“Ok, you got it.” I said.

There was a moment of silence then Corey Stayner said, “Fuck if you are, you’re giving me a ride home.”

Corey got back into the truck. Her hair looking like a prehistoric woman might. She was mercifully silent.

“Darin, you got a voice man! I hear you are even a better songwriter and musician, and you’re in the entertainment industry. Very cool. I hope you wouldn’t mind jamming with an amateur.”

“Anytime. And what you have heard about me is local lore.”

Velvet interrupted, “She’s as dead as a door nail. She’s passed out good.”

“Corey! COREY!” Steve tried to wake her, reaching over me to do shake her.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

“Does anyone know where she lives?” Steve asked for the fourth time as we pulled into his property. It was a double wide mobile home surrounded by pines and manzanita.

“NO, nobody does here.” Josh was getting testy.

Since nobody knew where she lived, we decided she should crash at Steve’s. We carried her inside.

I offered, “Steve, she’s crazier than fuck. She might of even thought you kidnapped her or taken advantage of her. If we stay here, you are protected from all that. Your place is hot, let's let her sleep it off and all sleep on you deck.” He agreed, and had a long, long, wonderful conversation, the four of us, with a full moon shining through the pines.

I’m a man, well I’m your mother

I’m a man, I’m a one night stand

I’m a man, I’m a I bi

I’m a man, I’m a slave

I’m a man, I’m a little girl

And we make love together — Berlin

Morning came. Dell and Kay’s RV was in the parking lot at the White House again. I noticed this while still scratching the sleep from my red eyes, and went down the outside stairs to smoke.

“Good morning Darin!” Kay yelled, waving.

“Good morning to you both you two!” I tried to fake off with sleepy congeniality.

“Orange juice?” She offered, while holding up a pitcher, then setting down on their patio furniture.

“Not a fan, but thanks anyway.”

What sounded like a breeze, was Velvet brushig though the thickets lining the trail. She walked up to me, and asked if we could go out of view of the Stayner’s

Dell and Kay, gave an disapproving glance at each other, but I went with Velvet anyway. Once behind one to the corners of the White House; “I asked, “What are you doing here so early in the Morning.”

“ Have to catch my car pool a little ways down the road.”

“So is Josh here?

“You know he’s here.”

“I saw you, attraction right away, and there’s something I want to demonstrate.

She laid a big kiss on me. A passionate one.

Then she grabbed my hand and took me to the trail, where we parted bush’s to be alone. I think you can guess the rest. And about midway through, I had her hands to the ground, looked her in the eye, and asked what she was looking for.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -

Velvet picked off thorns, and foxtails, from her clothes: her school clothes. We kissed goodbye. Off to school she went, brushing away a trail festooned with overgrowth of weeds, and trees. I just sat there for a while feeling guilty. Strange.Why did that have to happen? Plus, she knows Josh, is working so this was deliberate. Is she the definition of a black widow? Sometimes my head goes too far.” She walked off to school catch her carpool to school.

I went up the outside stairs to shower and bee-lined to it

“Darin, come here.” Whispered Dana. I walked in her room and closed the door. I want you to host, and sing tonight at Karaoke.”

“NO.”

“Well at least sing. Sing “Shout, by Tears for Fears, I melt with You, Mad World, and anything my Depeche Mode!”

“Ok, great. I’’ be there.

“Plus the whole family will be there and you will get to know Corey.”

“Corey’s sort of the wild girl in the bunch?”

“Understated Darin.”

“On a completely different note, I want to see Cary.”

“As you know, they're about to move the trail?”

“I want to see the courthouse, maybe something is going on.” I pressed.

“Let’s go check out the courthouse at 3:00 this afternoon, we should be done with our shifts.” Dana

Once downstairs, I noticed Josh working his ass off in the dish pit. I have never felt so guilty.

Dana, and I served all day. I got to go into the kitchen and make cheesecake. Then our day was over.

Once we cleaned-up, and decided our tips, we got into Dana’s Ford 150.

“So, who has your most attention: Josh, Velvet, or the sheriff’s daughter. Or Josh?” She said this with a good mood.

“I’m most interested in Josh’s family. Josh is hot too. So is Velvet.”

“You said Josh first!”

“Only because you used the latter.”

“Ok, let's say you went for Josh, who seems to be at this point bi.”

“So, just because a person messes around with someone bi, or strait, necessarily determine sexuality. Besides, his family is fun.”

“Ok, I’ve messed around with men before.” Dana finally admitted.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The Courthouse steps were rickety. Old wood, probably built in some-give a-fuck time in the 1800’s. The door was a double. A steeple with a clock with a white flower clock towered above the doors.

Dana opened the doors, which were closed. There were men inside talk in the old-smelling building. The sign on the door said; “No Press”, but me and Dana opened the door as silently as she could; just enough. There was Cary sitting next to his lawyer; shacked by the hand, and wrist. We watched for a moment. Boring lawyer talk; this statute, and quotes from other cases. We decided to creep down the stairs.

“Let’s go to Pony Expresso, I’ll get you an iced Americano.”

Dana is an expert at burying her emotions. She will come to me when she wants.”

At Pony Espresso, she mentioned nothing about what we just did. She acted with Patty like there was nothing wrong. Patty gave me an iced esxesso on the house. Is this how the whole Stayner family is? Rendered to oblivious truth, to mush?

When we were alone, in her truck, I said; “You asked me some questions, my turn. And these are personal, just like yours; “ Have you ever attend Carry’s trial, have you ever smoked pot, and have you ever gone out with someone around here who is less mature around here.”’’

“Yes, no, and yes.”

“Guess what?”

“I had a screwball of a time with Velvet this morning.” She came through the trail in the woods, took my away from Dell and Kay and we screwed like bunnies.”

“OH GOD, please tell me you’re kidding.”

“Nope, right off the trail.”

“Oh fuck, how are you going to get out of this one?”

“I kissed Josh too.

“So you have no problem kissing a guy, what would you be like with women?”

“Another topic, what exactly happened at the Bug? I’m guessing a whole lot of guys were jejous of you and Josh.”

“It was Eric, and he tried to suck my cock. He wanted to do both me and Josh, but that’s not all, he gave Josh a bloody nose when Josh said no. JUST because he said no. I was standing up for my friend.”

“WHAT? Really? “

“You know what Dana, you have no problem kissing girls, so why would have have a problem kissing both?”

“I guess I don’t. That’s not where I was going. I mean, who do you want, Josh or Velvet, or maybe even they crazy guy at the Bug?”

“I don’t know. They both have their pluses. Velvet in interested in a relationship, and she’s intelligent. Josh snuggles with me and kisses me. We shall see Missy” I said, perplexed.

“ I actually can relate Darin, I’ve made with a couple of people you know.’

“Don’t tell me. Later maybe, but now now.”

Velvet called my cell. Moments later so did Josh, and Moments later, the Sheriff.

I decided the answer the Sheriff first. “ Sheriff, what can I help you with?”

I understand you took my danger for a motorcycle last night”

“I did. I didn’t know she was only 17 she looks older”

“Well, I’m com over, we need to have some words. “ The Sheriff did’t sound that pissed.

I was hesitant to meet him at the Sheriff’s office, but I rode my bike. Just as I turned up 140, I was pulled over by a siren. I had no license to drive a motorcycle. I was nervous for a second. “You live at the White House.” He asked.

“Yes. I’m on way to see the Sheriff.

“Well I hope you don’t mind me pulling over, that’s the first bike I’ve seen like that. On and off road I take it.?” He asked for no I.D., or registration.

“Yeah, want to give it a spin?”

“Hell yea. Key start, here you go!. And take it on some dirt and rocks.”

“Wow, this things is a get up and go machine, she said after returning a few minutes later, coming into view of the low hanging needs from trees. A sheriff’s car pulled up behind the motorcycle. “So you’re Darin.”

Then, “You have a future here, if you are interested then marry her.” The cop with his car still running behind on my motorcycle, and the other cops. Then the motorcycle cop pulled up behind us all. Perspiration fell from his forehead as he took the helmet he was wearing off.

“No. I don’t want to be married to anyone.”

“Then stay away from my daughter.”

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it’s time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on — REM

I put Janis Joplin’s poster back on the wall, and straightened out a few things, then laid on the bed with Josh. He was watching the recycled 2:00 A.M. News before the broadcast switched over to paid programing. Susan Summers was on the screen selling some sort of work-out gizmo.

“So get this, they’re thinking about moving Cary’s trial out of Mariposa to San Jose now.” Josh.

“Well that seems logical to me; fair trail here, no way.”

“Darin, he cut off a woman head. He killed 4 woman total, why should he get a fair trail.”

“What if it was you in orange prison clothes, and you happened to be innocent, and people said the same about you?” I felt like I was a high school civics and U.S government teacher. “Wouldn’t you want a fair trail with impartial witnesses not out to lynch you because of community pressure to do so? What if you had mental illness that made you dangerous? You know how many convicted criminals were innocent and executed? Now theres new evidence, D.N.A tests that have actually saved prisoners from execution by proving their innocnence. No Cary is isn’t wicked so much as he’s bat-shit crazy. Imagine if your brother Danny was kidnapped and all your mother did during your formative years was to search for him, totally ignoring you. What if during that same time, you were molested by trusted family? Would you hope to be fully there in your head, fully sane?”

“I see your point. Did you really put cocaine in the drinks?”

“No, I lied to Eric. Bait. I have no cocaine. I don’t use cocaine. I just poured half a glass of vodka in his drink to get him drunker, hoping it would finish him off and leave, or be asked to leave.”

“His Aryan nation friends might come after you.”

“I don’t care. And no they won’t. I’m too visible, and they’re chicken shits about publicity around here. None of them want to be identified in the news.”

“All I’m saying Darin, is try not being caught alone in this town. Always have your cell.”

“Nice advice, but I think I will do just fine.”

“You’re a hella fun, and smart guy Mr. Barry. Anymore vodka left?”

“You got to get up early Mr.”

Josh insisted that he wanted a shot or two. His face was still sore.

“I hope I don’t have black eyes tomorrow. My mom isn’t going to have empathy.” he used his new word.

“In this case, the word would be sympathy. Tell me you know what that means”

“I’m not stupid.”

“You’re going to be stupid for a while, you’re not even 21 yet. And I didn’t mean your stupid, it’s just the nativity of your age, there’s a lot to learn yet. You don’t know it all Josh.”

“Thanks for standing up for me tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone do that before.”

“I hate that guy just as much as you do.”

“Dana fired him from the White House.”

“Eric?”

“Yeah. He stoled a bunch of stuff from the White House, booze mostly, Dana caught him.”

“Surely she didn’t know he was a nazi when she hired him.”

“Ya think?”

“Dude, I have to drive you back to the white house at 7:00 A.M.”

“Yeah, time to crash. Fer sure.” Josh rolled over and went to sleep.

— — — — —

Morning came. Fall was slipping in. It was chilly, and dark. I woke up on my own, before my requested wake-up call came in.

Josh was snoring.

“Wake up man.”, I shook him.

Grunts, and farts came from him, before he smacked his lips, and rolled over towards me. His breath was horrid. Then surprisingly, he jumped out of bed and said; “Lets go.” He looked at me funny and laughed. “You have the lead singer of The Cure’s hair right now.”

“Just get ready. There’s all kinds of bathroom stuff in there.” I said, referring to the garishly decorated bathroom. “Razors, shampoo, get in there and let me catch a few more zzzz’s.”

When he came out of the shower, and primped, we walked down to the front desk where a young girl was sleeping in her chair. I rang the bell sitting on the desk to get her attention.

“You guys are already taken care of, you paid, good morning, and thanks for staying at the Yosemite Bug.” She said, not carrying.

Outside, I unlocked the spare helmet and gave it to Josh, who was moving surprising fast compared to me. I started up the Suzuki and headed out of El Portal, the unincorporated city just outside Mariposa, and ten minutes away from Yosemite. It was still dark. We passed the Yosemite lodge where Cary duck taped a couple of woman at gun point, and led them to a place where he killed them. I will always think of that when I pass that hotel.

We wound down back to the White House on Highway 140, then 49 towards BootJack, where we parked at the side of the restaurant. There was a big motorhome parked near us. I walked upstairs. My watch read 6:30 A.M. Josh was to begin work at Seven this morning. I didn’t know Josh was in tow. When I used my key to get in, it was only then I noticed he had followed me upstairs. I guess this is cool I thought.

Once inside, I could here voices coming from the hallway. Upset, weird emotion voices and voices I didn’t recognize. I ushered Josh to my room before anyone could notice him.

“Just chill here, I want to let Dana know you’re here well before your shift.”

Dana was still asleep.

“I think I have to puke.” Josh said, looking pale and sweaty.

Oh crap. I took him by the shoulders after I opened the door and looked down the hallway, and took him to the bathroom, and closed the door. He wasn’t quiet about vomiting. It sounded like someone trying to clear their throat in a loud speaker.

Damn, just not what I need. I stayed in my room out of fear for a minute, thinking the crowd in the office might think it was me.

Some voices were sounding just outside my door.

“You know you can’t use the upstairs bathroom, or even be up here.” Cindy’s voice cracking.

“I was just visiting Darin, he led me there. I’m sick today.” Josh said weakly.

“Well next time, throw up outside if the bathrooms are still locked. And Darin is probably still asleep. Why don’t you go home, and I’ll call someone else today. My parents are weak enough, they don’t need your germs.” Cindy with no empathy or manners said to him, not realizing we’d been out all night together.

I continued to listen, but all I could here now, was the sound of the door to outside closing. I just laid on my bed for a while. Then fell asleep.

8:00 A.M, or about, I woke up to raised voices coming from the office.

“Dell and Kay are here, and I can’t believe he’s only been here three days, and he’s already causing problems.” Dan’s voice.

Dana shouted, “We don’t know anything, I haven’t talked to him yet.”

“Well I suggest you do that soon.”

“So you’re able to give Cary the benefit of a doubt, but not my best friend. Fuck you Dan, you know me better than to bring someone here to work and live with us who isn’t 100% responsible. Fuck you again.”

When I opened my door answering a loud knock, it was Dan.

“Darin, just got a call from David at the Yosemite Bug — said you thrashed one of his rooms like a rock star. This is a small town, this makes us look bad, especially when my sister talked you up so much.”, he was angry for morning time.

“No we didn’t. We left that room pristine.”

“Well, you better go up there, and make things right. We can’t have neighboring businesses complaining about our staff when we need all the business they refer.”

“Dan, I’m sure there’s a mistake, I’ll go up and talk to them, I have the day off, then I’ll be back.” His anger receded.

“Was anyone with you?”

“No, just me and Josh; there were others I met there .Eric was one. I beat him up. The guy that used to work here. That’s my only infraction.”

“He lit up.” Then he high-fived me. “I hate that kid. I hate haters. This area is full of them, watch out.”

“Dan, something is wrong. Either David is confusing the rooms, or something happened. I don’t know, it’s a mystery to me. You don’t know me that well, so let me clean this up. Trust me?”

He shook my hand, then said, “Make it better.” By the way, I didn’t think you would mind if I volunteered you to sit on the Board of Supervisors subcommittee on technology in business.”

“I better get up to the bug.” I said.

He seemed unfettered by the Yosemite Bug owners early morning complaint. “I want you to meet my father and mother-in-law, they’re staying here for a while. When do you think you will be back?”

“I don’t know. As long as it takes to make this right.” I said, referring to investigating what happened last night at the bug.

— — — — — — — — — — — — -

“David, Sam and I didn’t do this. We left early because Sam had to be at work super early, and we left the place spotless, because you were so good to us last night.”

“Darin, you beat up one of my patrons last night, witch I always wanted to do, and he deserved it I’m sure, but look at this? You’re telling me that someone got into this room, and thrashed it?”

I looked around. Janis Joplins’ image was behind a spider web of a pattern of broken glass, laying on the floor. The exact same framed poster I hung back on the wall after throwing Eric against it the night before. Broken glass was everywhere, from the bathroom to the outside deck. It was like someone took all the glass they could find, like drinking glasses from the bathroom and broke them against the wall. Lights were smashed in, their shades dented and bent in. The Austin Powers life size cut out was ripped in two.

“Yeah, Eric shouldn’t even be allowed here. I don’t know why, as a gay man, you tolerate some Nazi asshole establishing your pub. I beat him up, because he hit Sam, then wanted to have sex with us both. He’s messed up man. But I can tell you one thing, we left this place perfect at five or six this morning. Eric has nazi tattoos. Eric is a closet homo who was denied sex by us last night, like we would anyways. Sam is straight.”

Then I had and idea. I called Dana. “Hey, can I speak with Josh, I don’t care how busy he might be, it’s important to the hostel incident.” I asked.

Josh answered the phone after a little wait, during witch, I could here restaurant sounds; voices, dish pit, music. “Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked him.

“Shitty. I hate Cindy.”

“Well guess what…wait, did you lock the door at the bug? You were the last one out.”

“I’m sure they won’t have any problems.”

“No, there is, someone came in an thrashed the room.”

“Eric.” he realized. “ I told you that they might come after you.”

David interrupted my phone call; “The deck door is unlocked, and slightly open.”

“Sam, did you lock the back door, the one going out to the deck?” I inquired.

“I didn’t know it was supposed to be locked. Anyway, no.”

“David, after last night, do you honestly think we’d do this to your place? Clearly it’s friends of Eric, or Eric and some of his friends.”

“Well, you guys didn’t lock the back door, how do I know this won’t happen in the future.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t serve haters that are drunk.”

“Well maybe we shouldn’t rent rooms out to you guys until we sort this out.”

“Fair enough.”

“Darin, I don’t think you guys did this. In fact I’m glad you weren’t here if they got all drunk, went home to do some meth, then decided to thrash your room, that’s plausible, but I just can’t be sure. You’re welcome to the bar, and to our private residence but don’t bring Sam.”

“Sam didn’t do anything. I was with him all night when we returned to the room.”

“I don’t know what to say, my partners freaked out. He probably won’t listen to a word you guys have to say right now, let me talk to him.” Then, “I’m pretty sure you had no part in this now, but lets curtail the young people coming to your room in the future.”

“Sam was invited. Nobody else was.”

“Let me talk to my partner. So sorry you had a crappy experience here. I know Dana would never be friends with someone who would do this.”

I biked back to the White House, un-showered, unshaved, and probably reeking of “party smells”, so I ran up the stairs to my room as quickly as I could. I just practically ran to the shower and washed the night off. I threw on fresh clothes and wore my leather jacket downstairs. I was about face Dell and Kay again. I knew this because Dan told me they were there. I knew this already, I recognized some voices from the shower earlier.

Downstairs, I pulled my pants up. I needed a belt. I was losing weight again. Cindy was at the bar, crying. Dell and Kay, Cary’s parents were there, sitting away from here in chairs around a four chair table, with two vacant seats.

“Hi you two, good morning.”

The thought that sitting down with the parents of a kidnapped child who died in a tragic hit and run motorcycle accident after being returned to their lives seven years later, and their other son who was the Yosemite killer made we want to have a drink early in the morning. And why not? I was also kind of hung over. A waiter came to us whom I haven’t met yet.

“I’d like a bloody marry for starters, a scramble with bacon. Whatever these two want is on me, no just one ticket.”

“Dell said, we don’t pay for our meals, Darin. What a super nice gesture of you, but we own part of the business, so your breakfast is on us, handsome.” Kay said.

“I wish there was something I could do to make Cindy feel better.” I said, watching her still drowned in tears at the bar, not drinking anything. After all, it was early in the morning. But I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had a double scotch that morning; her brother could be on death row. With Steven dying, she just lost another brother.”

I backed off realizing this was none of my business until I was called in to make it mine.

“Don’t worry Darin, you’ll have to walk on water to make this family feel better.” Dell, didn’t look down, but looked at me straight in the eye.

Religious I though? I hoped these two have sought better counseling than some creepy Christian minister with no psychological background, but that was the solution that I thought Dell and Kay might have sought.

“That I don’t do. I have never even tried.”

The waiter came to our table, someone I haven’t met yet.

“You are Darin. Heard a lot about you.”

“And do you know Kay and Dell?” I pushed my glass of half filled water towards him. He was holding a pitcher of water in one hand, and two other containers in the other; one holding coffee, and the other orange juice.

“Hi there, I’m Darin. I am sure we’ll get to know each other soon, I’m going to be working here.”

He looked somewhat macho but had effeminate ways.

“Yeah, I heard a lot about you, welcome to the team.”

He left and Dell and Kay continued their conversation with me.

“Im so glad you’re here for Dana. It’s a rough ride for her. We’re going to visit Cary in jail today.” Kay told me.

I was silent for a bit. Dell picked up on my discomfort with it all.

“Darin, so Dana tells me you can bring talent to the White House.” Kay said.

“Yup.”

“Well I think you should bring in big bands, nobody else is doing it around here.”

“Well, I’m not going to bring in the Flaming Lips, or David Bowie, think up-and-coming bands, they get the most crazy fanfare at small venues.”

Kay said; “You are a really nice kid. I have no idea what you might bring in, we’re never here in the evenings so I bet it’s great for the bar. By big bands I meant big bands. Full bands that play salsa, or Johnny Cash.”

“Oh with like horns and shit?” I asked, forgetting my manners and swearing in front of an old couple with monumental issues.

“Yeah, with brass.” She replied, uncaring about my vocal indiscretion.

“I’ll see what I can do.” I said, knowing full well that I’d never bring an old people’s band to a Friday or Saturday night in place of the rock and roll our patrons loved.

“What movies have you been in?” asked kay.

“Dana had them all. You’ll have to look closely, as sometimes it’s just a glimpse, or one liners. I work behind the scenes mostly.”

“What time is it?” Asked Dell.

“Time we get moving, it’s almost time.” Said kay. I knew they were talking about their visit with the murderer son in jail. “Super nice to see you again.”

They got up. I had no idea what horrors they were living.

I’ll skin your ass raw

And if my day keeps goin’ this way I just might

Break your fuckin’ face tonight!!” — Limp Bizkit

Eric returned to the pool table with a fresh drink. He was already hammered. “Ok, the girls break first.”

“Oh, so it’s team girl vs. the bitchy old ladies.” I quipped.

Then I directed Jenna to break.

“I’m not very good at this, but ok.”

“Ladies first.” I said.

Immediately she scratched.

“Oh, skip a turn!” explained Eric, looking satisfied that he’s already planning on winning. And so proud that he is better than a young girl, who has little experience with billiards.

Eric’s drink was nearly gone in a mere ten minutes. This was my time to pounce. It looked like “team girl” was loosing.

“Eric, your beer is nearly gone. Want another? How about you “Sam”, and you Jenna, what’s your pleasure? It’s all on me.” I interrupted the game.

“Sure man.” Eric seemed excited at the offer.

“Sam would like whatever you’re drinking.” The white supremacist said in a bullying way, as he grabbed Josh’s shoulder, holding a pool cue in the other hand. Was this some sort of lame way to display dominance over Josh?

Then I said to Jenna, “I know what you want.”

I told them all I would be right back as I exited the billiards room heading towards the bar.

Just David remained behind the bar, taking over for his bartender who left for the night.

“I’d like another round for all in the billiards room.

Oh, and can I have a towel with ice wrapped in it? “

“You bet, I’ll even bring it all to you guys in there. What’s do you need the ice for, somebody hurt themselves?”

“Nothing serious, Sam just got hit by the bathroom door as someone was coming out, and I want to put some ice on the back of his neck to stop his nose from bleeding.”

David began working on it all.

“Hey David, can I bug you one more time?” I guested here to come to me.

He seemed to stumble when walking towards me.

I quietly asked him, “Do you have any hard alcohol hidden away? I’ll be discreet.”

“Some Vodka at our place. I will be happy to load you up if you’re not like these little assholes and can handle it.”

“Awesome, just leave it in my room. I will be happy to pay for it.”

“No charge on that one, and no problem. Consider it a welcome gift. Might be a few minutes though.”

“Thanks man!, That’s kind of you David.” Then I added, “David; super cool if you can get to my room very soon.”

“I know how it is, I’ll bring it right away. Just never mention it.”

I returned to the eccentric billiards room. “Drink’s are on they way folks.”, I announced.

When David brought the tray of alcoholic beverages in, and a pile of ice with a white towel at the bottom, I grabbed two drinks off it, and put them aside. I grabbed the towel containing the ice, wrapped it up, and instructed Josh to hold it behind his neck. “This should stop the bleeding buddy.”

“Darin, your delivery is here now.” David winked.

When David existed, I grabbed Josh’s beer. “Excuse me, I must leave one more time, you guys keep playing.”

“Where now loser? Team “lady” is winning ver soon.” Eric said.

Then I knew what would make Eric follow me up to my room for sure. I grabbed Jenna’s drink too, and let the three of them know I would return in a few minutes.

“Why are you taking their drinks?” Eric, said looking puzzled even more than he probably does on a regular basis.

“Because I have something special for my two friends to enhance the pleasure man.”

“Cocaine?”

“No, something like that though.” Then I thought the idea of cocaine in his drink might be appealing to him. “Ok, yeah it’s coke”.

“No, I don’t want any.” Said Jenna. I retrieved her drink .

“Josh, hows’ your nose bleed?” I asked.

“I think it’s under control.”

Eric, the white supremest , handed me his glass. “I’ll take hers.”

“Sure man, no problem.” I grabbed her glass and handed it to him.

I carried two drink’s up to our room where I discovered a bottle of Stoli in an ice bucket on a night stand. I poured a three quarters of Erics’ drink out in the bathroom sink, and filled the rest with vodka to the top. This will finish his drunk-ass for the night, I thought. Josh had left the television on where the news was talking about Cary’s trial. I learned it was slated to start next week after many setbacks.

Back in the billiards room, I handed Eric his spiked beer, and Josh’s beer back to him. I bet on Eric being so smashed already, that he wouldn’t notice the vodka taste under a dark beer.

My cell rang. I answered; “This is Darin.”

Dana; “Hey there. Yeah, don’t worry about work tomorrow, for you, but we will need Josh.”

“I will bring him back in the morning.”

“You ok?”

“I’m fine, and having a great time. The question is how are you doing?”

Static. M phone didn’t have much reception in the area unless I was standing just at the right spot.

“You there” I asked. Then, “Hello?”

I moved backwards, she was speaking. “or such thing, so I guess I will or won’t see you tomorrow.”

“Hey can you hear me?” I nearly screamed.

“Yeah”

“Well, night Dana.”

Team Girl lost. The White supremacist, looked exuberant over team Bitchy Old Ladies win.

“Congratulations Eric, and Sam. I got to head up to the room again to make a phone call where my phone comes in the best, to call Dana back and clear some things up.” I announced. “Be back shortly.”

I came close to Josh’s ear, so only he could hear. “I need you to stay with her. I’ll come for you soon. Do not come to the room.”

I went to Me and Josh’s Austin Powers room. I peed, then tried to call Dana back only to get her voice mail again. I just hung up. If Josh was going to be late, I’ll explain later, I thought.

I heard someone trying to open the door.

“Just a minute! Be right there Josh”, I yelled clicking off my phone.

I opened the door. Standing before me was Eric, swaying in drunkenness.

“Come on in man”

“Hey.” He said slurred. “Just wanted to let you know you just took the sheriffs daughter on your little motorcycle of yours, and that she’s only 17. So I guess this is the place for you’re little orgy.” Eric added as he pointed to the paisley covered bed.

“No, just me and Josh.”

“You guys are queer, aren’t you?”

“That’s on a need to know basis.” I was planting some seeds in his head.

“Why is there only one bed?” He sounded nearly whiny.

“Ok, you called it. Guess there’s no hiding it. Josh and I are lovers.” I lied.

“I knew it!”

There was some small talk. His eyes were glassy. I hated his look. Hair, short as can be without being bald, wife beater on, jeans, and military style boots, a swastika with sculls, and roses tattooed on his bicep, I noted earlier.

“Hey Eric, everyone has a guilty pleasure. Everyone has secrets. I bet you do too. In fact, I’ll bet my life that you jerk off furiously even day”

“No I don’t. I never jerk off.” he sounded more drunk than ever. Surprisingly, I could understand him.

I laughed as he angrily exited. He seemed pissed, and then left the room.

Forgetting why I even was in the room, and not back at the billiards room, I just decided to turn on the T.V. Cary Stayner’s trial was a major news story, it was on nearly every channel I turned to burring the 11:00 P.M. hour. Just when I clicked the television off, a key turned the doorway. Josh walked in, alone.

“Eric is hella messed up. He’s such an asshole. He said, “Have fun letting your Daddy screw you, faggot, right in front of some of his aryan nation friends that came in while you were gone. Jenna left, said goodbye to you. Dude, that was the Sherifs daughter you just took on a ride, she’s only seventeen, I hope you kept it in your pants.”

“Yes, I’ve been told, and yes, my penis never left my Levis. How’s your nose?”

“Fine. I just feel humiliated. All night.”

Josh and I laid on the bed and watched something on MTV for about 45 minutes until there was a knock on the door.

“Come in Eric”, I yelled.

“What?” Josh asked in disbelief.

Eric had moved away from the door when I opened it, and stood at the landing of the stairs.

“Forget something?” I asked.

“Come here.” He wanted me to come out. I did. “Darin buddy, what’s up? What are you and Josh up to?

“Screwing like bunnies, watching porn, and drinking vodka tonics.” Not fearing him at all, I then said, “Want to come in and play?” Eric didn’t say anything as he staggered inside our cabin. Josh had taken off his shirt earlier complaining about the heat. Eric just stood there, wide eyed, looking at Josh, then back to me. “So can you guys give me a line?” I had to think about this, what he asked.

“We snorted it all.” I lied to him.

Josh got up from the bed, and went to the bathroom, and seemed to slam the door angrily followed by the sound of the door locking.

“So Eric, I heard you say tonight that all faggots must die, or something like that. Why are you here?” I toyed with him.

“I just want to hang out man.” He answered.

“Well, me and Josh are screwing. But you know what, it would be fun to have a third. Want to fuck around with us? I think you do.” I moved closer to him.

“No way man, I’m no fag.”

“Why are you here?”

Eric couldn’t make eye contact with me.

“I invited you in to screw around with us, and you came inside the room, what are you really here.”

“I just wanted..”

“Fuck your wants and honor my need.” I unzipped my jeans.

He looked vacant, but followed orders. Amateur fellatio for all of five-seconds occurred. Then I grabbed him by the very throat my dick was down, and raised him to my eye level, knocking his head into the wall. A picture fell down a few feet away.

“You ever lay a hand on him again in your natural life, I will end it.” I threatened. Then I clocked him straight across the eyes, sending blood instantly streaming from his nose.

He didn’t fight back. He just held his face. I grabbed him by the balls and lead him to the door I just opened.

“Get the fuck out of here, faggot” I mimicked his words.

I still held him by the nape of the neck, and lost it about three stairs down where pent up anger raised my foot, and kicked him down the stairs into the pine needles.

“Get up.”

Eric followed my angry order. Still pissed off, I grabbed him by the back of the neck and led him to the bar where several new people were there, some looking just like Eric.

“David, this guy hit Sam. And I know first hand he likes sucking dick. I suggest you not serve him anymore, and I’do the honors of kicking him out for you” I shoved him out the front door.

Silence except for the jukebox.

Touch, touch, touch me; can you stay tonight?

I don’t want you to leave my side

Talk, talk, talk to me; I need to know

Will you remember me tomorrow? — David Diamond/Berlin

— — — — —

Twilight slid in.

“Where are the hangouts at, besides the woods in this town?”

Velvet and Josh answered in unison, “The Bug.”

“So what is the bug?”

“It’s a hostel, and pub. Lots of service workers hang out there. Josh has a fake I.D. so he’s known as Sam there, so make sure you don’t forget to call him Sam.

“Sounds cool, lets’ go.” I really wanted to go.

The moments of stupidity during sunset were forgotten by this time.

“No Darin, it’s really cool. All the rooms are themed. There’s even a sixties Austin Powers room.” Josh trying to sell me on the idea.

“Damn man! Let’s go.” I said with genuine excitement.

“I got classes tomorrow.”

Velvet had said earlier that she was in her first year of college down in Merced.

“You and Josh should go. You’re new here, you guys have fun!”

“How are you going to get back?” I asked her.

“I’ll take Josh’s Moms’ truck back, and walk the trail back home.”

Josh kissed his girlfriend, and gave her a big bear hug bending down from his six foot stature as she was about to open the door to the beater truck. Velvet was about my hight; 5 foot 8, but still shorter.

Velvet drove off into the darkness.

“Well it’s just me and you, homo.” I teased.

“Hey, I’m comfortable in my sexuality, kissing you was just nothing.” Josh avoided eye contact with me.

“You started shaking, lost your beer, and wanted me to lie to your girlfriend. I’m not a guinea pig man. If you want to explore sexuality, do it with someone else.” He looked at me like a child who’d been just spanked.

I mounted my bike, and covered my head in a helmet. “There’s a helmet in the lock…. here…” I unlocked the helmet lock, and handed him a spare helmet. He put it on, awkwardly. I tied the chin straps underneath his jaw.

“Getting on the bike is the hardest part, because it’s tall. When I get on, and straighten the bike out, you hop then. Do you know how to ride on the back of a motorcycle?”

“Yeah, my dad used to take me on his.”

“Cool. Hop on.”

Josh held me tightly as I wound my bike through the pine lined highway on the way up to the Yosemite Bug Hostel. I began to see signs for The Bug. Then Josh poked me mid-back, gesturing to a hotel on the right. I couldn’t hear what he was trying to tell me, the rushing wind knocked the sound out.

The Bug was pretty big, with cabins, outbuildings, and yurt, all centered underneath a clearing of firs and pines. I pulled up after Josh tapped my back again and yelled, “THIS IS IT!” Even with my helmet on, I could hear him clearly.

“What were you showing me on the way up?” I asked.

“That was the lodge that Carry worked at, and killed a couple of his victims. I think that’s where he beheaded one of them.”

Long irritated stare from me; then, “Let’s not talk about this tonight.”

The Bug was a typical alpine lodge, with high steep ceilings, but atypical in it’s decor. There was lots of camp on the walls, John Waters’ posters, a movie poster from “Zanadu” for starters. “This is cool Josh.” There were several people gathered around a big, half moon shaped bar. We sat down, laying our helmets next to our feet.

“Hi Sam!” came from a bar back. He walked up to “Sam”. “Where have you been buddy, if you aren’t single, then you should come here more often, a lot of girls ask about you.”

“What girls? I have a girlfriend.” Josh told him.

“Well, a guy that looks like you should be used to having several girls after him.”

David was his name, the bar back. Josh had awkwardly introduced us. This is my new friend Darin, he lives at the White House. Oh, and this is David, Darin.”

“Already heard lots about you. Hey, me and my boyfriend talk to Dana and Dan a lot, are you interested in coming to our LGBT potlucks?” David seemed nearly squeamish. “ I mean, if you’re out and feel comfortable in such situations, it’s a good time.”

“Oh GOD. Fucking LGBT potlucks. How do I hide my disdain?” I thought. Then more angrily, “Dana has no problem outing me. It’s 2001, how could anyone be so lame?” I don’t even like other gay men, and I certainly can’t relate to mainstream gay guys. They don’t exactly represent well. If there is such thing as a gay community. I don’t fit in. I’m might be gay but, I’m very bad at it.”, I was thinking.

“You know what David? I’m going to be super busy at the White House. Thanks anyway.”

Josh looked confounded. He sipped from his pint. I could tell something was up, he looked away, and away again when I met eye contact with him.

“So Darin, we saw a movie you are in, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Oh and Phenomenon. Don’t you do a political show, syndicated?” the thin, greying older man landed in my bar space with his elbow.

“Everything is new David. New life, new interests, new friends.”

“Dana said something about you bringing film to the area?”

“The Mariposa Film Commission is out of existence. I don’t feel like jumping through hoops just yet to bring film to the area. Yosemite is a bitch to get permits for film production.”

I could see beyond the “employees only sign.” A double door led to the kitchen where a downs syndrome kid was loading glasses into a dishwasher.

“All fags, niggers, Jews, Mexicans need to go. And retards.” some shaved headed boy in a wife beater, of course, said these things while lastly pointing out the kid with disabilities.

“Josh!” Guy in wife-beater.

Josh didn’t look up, still swilling his beer.

David to Josh or Sam; “So has Tom showed you’re new friend around yet, or will it be my pleasure?”

“Your pleasure.” Josh replied.

David disappeared through a hallway, leaving the bartender to himself.

The door opened behind us.

“This way gentlemen.”

We followed. Josh said, “Darin, and Dana have known each other for a while.”

“Yeah, Dana said Darin is the bomb. I trust that.” Said the effeminate gay owner.

He led us up to one of the cabins nestled in the forest beyond the clearing.

“This is the Wizard of Oz room.” The room was decorated like the films family house was. Next he led us to something completely different, the Dark Forest room, complete with cobwebs and horrible taxidermy. Next was the Austin Powers/60’s room. Janis Joplin LIVE screamed a poster, the walls were lined with foil wallpaper, a lava lamp, a paisley bedspread, and big molecule models hanging from the ceiling. I loved this room.

Weezer came from the lodge below, blaring Beverly Hills.

“So you and your other half built this entirely, or did you take something over and just expand on it?”

“Jake and I took this over when it was just a campground. It was zoned just right, so we built all this.”

“Well how cool is that.” I said. Said, because it wasn’t a question, it was a statement. The whole grounds where well managed, well planned, and uber cool.

“So what do you think?” asked David.

“I think it’s super creative. It’s chilly. I don’t want to ride my motorcycle home, so maybe we’ll just make a night of it.” Answered.

“Is tomorrow your day off?”

“No, just some things came up at the restaurant that needs repair. We are off tomorrow, I said, pointing to Josh.

All points led us back to the bar. We were through with the tour.

“David; a pleasure to meet you.” I said, shaking his hand.

We walked up the redwood deck up to the entrance of the bar, now just Josh, or “Sam”, and me. We sat down at the bar. “Let me see that I.D. of yours.” I begged.

The picture looked nothing like Josh, some strawberry blonde dude with the only check point being the eyes. Blue.

“I paid a hundred and fifty bucks for that.”

“Nice. Good choice, he looks so much like you. No he doesn’t. These old guys must just like you.”

Across the bar, the white supremacist guy in the wife-beater kept staring at me.

White supremacist to Josh: “Is that the guy in the movies?” It was asked like I wasn’t there.

I believed there was no validation I was giving him if I spoke to him, but I did anyways.

“Yeah, I’m the guy in film and T.V”, I said to the white supremacist. “You don’t have to talk about me like I’m not here, I”m Darin.”

“I’m Eric.” he reached over the bar to shake my hand. I actually felt violated. I had no tolerance for haters.

“Hey Eric.”

“So you’re Darin. Heard you were coming.”

“Guilty” I swigged on my pint.

Josh and Eric got into some conversation I couldn’t relate to. Local shit.

I looked around, then said to Josh, completely ignoring, and interrupting his conversation with the skinhead, “Hey do you want to stay here tonight? I will call Dana and find out whether we work tomorrow or not. I know I probably don’t.”

“Dishwashers always have to work Darin.”

I gave him a knowing nod.

A beautiful brunette sat next to me on a bar stool, and I was getting drunk.

She ordered something pretentious.

I stole glances at her, and then turned my attention to Josh.

“Wanna stay here tonight, for real? I feel like getting hammered.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, things are weird at the homestead, and probably yours too, let’s just hang here for tonight.” Then I ripped out my cell phone from my pocket and dialed Dana. “Darin and I aren’t home right now, but neither are you, but if we were, perhaps we might be too.” Dana’s voice mail answering. I noticed several people in awe that I had a cell phone.

Me on my cell leaving a message; “Dana, it’s Darin. We’re staying at the Yosemite Bug Hostel tonight, just to let you know. Call me SOON if you need me tomorrow but chances are you don’t. Call here if there is a problem.”

I don’t know what to term a bunch of smokers; a gaggle, a smoke fest, everyone seemed to re-conjoin on the deck to smoke cigarettes and what smelled like weed.

Garbage came on the sound system : appropriate because the devastatingly beautiful brunette was talking at me again and she wasn’t all that. I loved this song. And it goes like this…

“You pretend you’re high

Pretend you’re bored

Pretend you’re anything

Just to be adored

And what you need

Is what you get

Don’t believe in fear

Don’t believe in faith

Don’t believe in anything

That you can’t break

Stupid girl”

“Hey, I’m Darin.”

“And hey, you’re handsome.” she said as she melted in her bar stool.

Clearly Stupid Girl was out for something that night.

Stupid Girl by Garbage was still playing, making me hold back laughter.

It seemed we were the only ones left in the bar; me and brunette. There was a mass exit of smokers on the deck outside now. Jenna? I had a hard time recalling her name.

1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins came on the sound system. This made me want to exit, to ride, and be 19 again. Soon, my want’s will be granted, I knew it.

“So you’re Sam’s friend?”

“New friend”, I took a drink. “I’m working at the White House, living there too.”

“And you’re in the movies.”

“Jesus tap dancing Christ, how small is this town anyway?”

“Just a rumor.”

I became momentarily angry at Dana for being such a good friend who speaks of me so highly, she unwittingly outs me in many areas.

Awkwardly, I just moved away and said I had to take care of accommodations for the evening. I paid for a night’s stay in the Austin Powers themed room at the front desk.

I moved back to where Jenna was seated, and pulled my drink towards me,; Guinness and cider. Josh walked up. “Do I smell like smoke?”

“No I answered.”

“Yes, you do.” Answered Jenna. She seemed to be disrespectful of Josh. He pulled up his shirt from his belly and took a whif. “No I don’t”

I changed the subject; “It seems like Weezer was overplayed today, everywhere.” I said. “Island in the Sun” was playing. The entire, now filled, and nicotine satisfied bar crowd now was singing along. The white supremacist was back, and in his same seat at the bar. His buddies said goodnight in their own fashion to him, and left.

“So you’re Darin. The highly anticipated Darin. Does that put pressure on you or what? Just knowing the whole town knows you’re coming like you are the return of Christ or something.”

I laughed, and took a sip off my drink.

“Dana is my number one, she’s awesome.”

“Oh so you're married to Dana?”

“No, she want’s to be married to a lady.”

“So no sex, you’re just friends?”

“Like I said, she’s a lesbian.”

She was getting drunk, Jenna I think her name is, poked a pointy nail at my chest and said, She’s crazy, wacked even. “You look JUST LIKE CHARLEY SHEEN!”

I was getting annoyed so I ordered another Snake Bite.

“Yeah? I hear that a lot.” The bartender was pouring part of my drink for the tap, then opened a bottle of cider and floated it just perfectly. I was pleased when he brought it to me. I chugged half of it, while the gorgeous girl next to me kept talking. She was getting a little too drunk, and a little too personal.

“So you know Josh?”

I wink, “Are you talking about Sam?”

She bent toward me on her barstool.

“Everyone knows that’s Josh, she pointed at him. I think even the owners, but they would never say anything, they’re homos and probably just like him being here for eye candy.”

“What do you do? Then; “Jenna, right?”

“Yes Charlie.”

“I fucked up your name, I’m sorry.”

“Jenna is fine.” I suspected she didn’t want to know me so much as screw me, which was fine at the moment. Then she added; “I love your motorcycle.”

“Oh yeah? I haven’t had too much to drink tonight, want to go for a ride?”

“Hell yeah stud!’, she pretty much screamed.

I let Josh know I would be back.

Outside, I unlocked the helmet lock, and handed it to her. “You need to get your hair tucked back before you put this on. Tell me you have ridden on the back of a motorcycle before.”

“I live in hicksville.”

“Motorcycles aren’t just for hicks you know.”

“Yeah, I guess your right, we’re from San Francisco. I’m not a hick. Dad has one too.” She smiled. A very nice smile.

“So let’s ride to the gates of Yosemite and back, about a ten minute round trip. You good with that?”

“Anywhere you want to go. I just love riding.”

“Alright then., Here we go.

My bike too us up from the gravel road to the highway. Jenna held on to me a little too tight, telling me she was kind of afraid. Or horney. The ten minute ride was filled with her shouting at me on the bike, trying to have a normal conversation like we weren’t muffled by wind, and engine noise, and I could actually hear her words.

— — — -

She handed me back my extra helmet after we parked back at The Bug. “So your dad has one? What kind?”

“Harley.”

Eric, white supremacist, came up to us both from The Bug. He was just a silhouette against the lights of the lodge.

“Hey Hollywood, he said, Josh and I are playing pool. Come join us”

Inside the billiards room was a multitude of garish neon from long defunct businesses, and bars, all arranged in an electrical, artsty-fartsy montage on the wall. Josh was there, wiping blood from his nose on his forearm, leaving a streak.

“It just started bleeding…” he tried to explain.

I wasn’t buying it.

“New game? Me and Josh vs you and Jenna?” I shouted over the music.

Then, without explanation, Eric, the white supremacist left the room.

“So does heat cause your nose to bleed?”

“No assholes cause my nose to bleed. He kept insisting that you and I are boyfriends.”

“After two days of me being here? What?”

I could feel my heart pounding.

Eric, you’re going down. I might be an “old man” at 30, but tonight, your life changes for good.

Velvets long black hair was entangled in her fingers. She was looking down.

The view was amazing. It looked like an Italian fresco. “The Point” was all that, and just off the highway leading to Yosemite. The gold, nearly autumn sunset even made our vehicles look artsy: a grey, dusty, beaten down, Nissan pickup; Josh’s mom's, and my Suzuki DRZ400 motorcycle were behind us.

“He killed four women.” Velvet stated.

“So you think that makes it ok to kill a crazy man?” I asked, blowing smoke from me.

Velvet sat on a boulder embraced with her boyfriend.

“I think they should let crazy women kill him.” Coldly stated Josh.

“But what do two wrongs make? I think they should study him, lifetime incarceration maybe.’ Me.

“How would you feel if it was your Mom he killed, or your sister, or your girlfriend?” Velvet asked.

“I don’t think my opinion on the death penalty would be changed.” I answered.

“Dude, seriously?” came from Josh. Then; “What if he killed your other half, you don’t get it.”

Then I said, “One, I don’t have another half, and two, I’d want to prevent it from ever happening again to anyone else.”

“How could saving a killer’s life help anyone?” Josh asked.

“Well, if you study killers for some time, perhaps we could make some headway into how they think, identify warning signs of potential killers, we could see it coming before some horrid tragedy strikes.” I answered.

“Yeah, that makes sense. How can we prevent murder if we don’t know what causes murder?” Velvet chimed in.

I let that sink in with the kiddies while I went up to the back end of the pick-up truck to get another round of beers.

There was unusual silence for the three of us being together when I returned.

“So what’s up, chicken butts?” I laughed.

“Velvet doesn’t think you’re gay.” Josh said.

“Oh, we’re going there.”

“I don’t either” he stated.

I handed them each a Mickeys’.

“Sexuality questions are on a need-to-know basis. Do you want to find out?”

They looked at each other, and I continued with the topic we were on before I went for more beer.

“This trial is going to be hard on us Josh, even though we aren’t front and center in the drama of it all. Just wait man, it’s going to be trickle-down misery for the White House staff.”

“Its’ already hard on us. Cindy is a bitch sometimes, and when she is, Dan becomes a bitch.”

“Well, come on man, Cindy is Carry’s sister, why can’t you have any empathy?”

“Why do you have to use big words man, why can’t you just be real?” Josh demonstrating his naivety.

I’m laughing; “Empathy is a big word?”

Josh. “I know what it means, I think.”

Still laughing, “What does it mean?”

“It means when you step on a bug, you feel sorry for it.”

“Sort of. Can you put yourself in another’s head? Because it really means, having emotion for someone else who is going through trouble. It’s a kindness that all humans should share.”

“You’re not gay, just smart.” Josh said. “Everyone is wrong.”

At that, I went for pee behind a pine. I was just shaking off when Josh walked around the tree’s circumference. As i was putting my unit back in my pants, a big blond head was hovering near my face, and then, he did it. He laid a big, sloppy kiss on me. And sloppy it was. I decided to correct it. I grabbed him by the nape of his neck, and my other hand forced the small of his back towards me, and I laid a proper kiss on Josh. He dropped his beer in mid kiss, piercing the Mickeys can on a sharp rock, sending a streaming arch of beer, that became a rainbow in the sunset. Still mesmerized by his first time making out with a queer made him appear drunk to me.

“That’s why we can’t have nice things.”, I smirked as Josh looked down, maybe afraid to face me.

A girls laugh from somewhere.

Velvet inquired on what I expected to be a test, “So is he?”

Josh wiped his mouth and looked at me, stumbled back, and gave me a look that said, “You better go along with this”. Then he answered Velvet, “I don’t know.” His eyes met mine. Serious eyes. “Why would I know? I wouldn’t actually do it.” he said, still hidden behind an enormous tree.

I had power.

“Know what?”, I asked Velvet, knowing perfectly what was up.

I answered myself, “Yeah, I am, he was just making out with me. Now he has A.I.D.s.

Every corpuscle in Josh's body opened, and he was pink.

Ok, here it comes. He’s going to blame it all on me, and drive out in a furious rage with his gorgeous black haired girlfriend in the passenger seat. Hell, he may even quit the White House, I thought. His next words were surprising.

“Sorry man, that was stupid.” Josh said, still not able to make eye contact.

Velvet stood up from her granite perch, still flicking her black hair in her hands. She looked at me for a while, then back at the sunset.