I am a BLACK WOMAN.

Professional.

Educated.

And, still BLACK.

My experience has been that my BLACKNESS is almost the antithesis of professionalism. I haven’t been free to feel or actualize my BLACKNESS in the workplace even though it is who I am.

As a person of color, I have had to endure the awkwardness of colleagues whispering the word “black” as if it is something to be embarrassed about. Or, grapple with the internal struggle of whether they should call me black or African-American. All the while never having been asked what I prefer.

I’ve been told that my presence is offensive for speaking up for what I think is wrong. I’ve been completely ignored in conversations I was asked to be a part of. I have endured, what feels like, every obstacle intended to minimize my existence.

I am self-conscious about what I bring for lunch, what color I paint my nails, how my hair looks, and overly cautious of my tone, volume, and choice of words when I talk.

Imagine a computer with infinite tabs open where you are trying to complete a different task on each one. That, for me, has been what it is to be a BLACK WOMAN in in the educator’s space.

DAILY. I worry about the safety of my husband, father, brothers, and nephew. If they have gotten to work and school safely or if “today is the day” I get a call I fear the most.

And, yet, I come to work every day with a smile and purpose to make change in our systems for the lives of our students, regardless of their color.

But, I am exhausted. I am exhausted at trying to figure out how to fit into two worlds, one of which I don’t feel any value.

This is an unfortunate classic tale. One that does not exist in isolation. And, yet as a person of color my only recourse is to remain hopeful because hopelessness carries with it its own hurt and barriers to social-emotional freedom.

I have to carry out two jobs. The first is my actual job as an employee of the DOE and the second is how to conceal my BLACKNESS so that I am not cornered into situations that I didn’t ask to be in. All of this for the comfort of my white colleagues who couldn’t begin to understand that I am not the exception to perceived standards of BLACKNESS.

I am simply a BLACK WOMAN.

Professional.

and

Educated.

Hey Sis,

This year has been incredibly tough, I know, and let me tell you I definitely can’t promise you how it gets any easier from here. I mean, I could tell you that I knew and have a plan and I have in the past, but you deserved better from me. You deserved for me to hold you more accountable for how you indulge in these sometimes fanciful feelings that consume you. More truth. So, my apologies for not doing this sooner.

Just know I love you more than it looks sometimes; and, for the times I don’t know how to, forgive me.

With that, I owe you some necessary hard news, but I promise you I offer it in the most honest way possible. I promise you can only be better because of it. You have been running in place and races can’t be won that way. One foot in front of the other sweets. Sometimes, that is the only way to make it through the day.

It’s not a social anxiety, it’s a defense mechanism.

What would be the worst that could happen if you go somewhere where you didn’t know someone? What is the absolute worst thing that could come from saying something that makes you happy even if no one else understands or values it?

I mean, I am no mental health professional, just to be clear, but I do see how much you don’t do things because you don’t know how you will be received. I mean, at no point in your life did you ever fit in, right?! I don’t say it to be mean, I hope you that you know that. I hope you know that I am telling you this because maybe God (some call it the “universe” or whatever) doesn’t want you to. Stop trying to perfectly sketch the ideal social scenario. “Well, if I know 50% of the people, it will increase my confidence in this social setting by (some arbitrary and unnecessary statistic.)” You will find a loophole in your own rationale.

Do you know how many people need what you have to say to set themselves free? Never thought about that, huh — the fact that this perfectly imperfect story is not just for you. No one knows what you have to give if you don’t show up sis. You really do have to be present to be heard. I mean even if you don’t physically show up up; don’t undermine the fact that you deserve to be there — that folks need you to fill that seat at that table sis. Not a single soul can fill that seat the way you can. But, here you go leaving it empty. [eye roll]

Fear has paralyzed you.

I don’t know when, but somehow, recently, you started to second guess folks’ energy. You used to be so good at trusting your intuition, but somewhere the pendulum swung. Someone or something made you feel like you couldn’t trust yourself. Do remember when that happened? It’s sad to watch babes. Your strength has been stagnant. Who hurt you? And, what do you with the lesson you learned from it. Maybe a resolution to the discomfort looks likes moving on on your own terms and not an “I’m sorry.”

Folks are always like “quitting is not an option”, and I know you never agreed with that. Quitting is for sure an intentional option. But, I mean, you have to at least get started so you can quit sis.

I think you have convinced yourself that failure is also an option so much so that you are stuck with not starting. You have become so fearful of things going wrong, you couldn’t possible appreciate when they are going right, when those blessing do pour out from heaven.

So what if you fail? You aren’t actually a failure are you? There are some many examples of how wonderfully talented you are and somehow all you can see are areas where you “could have done better” or made you question your ability to be better. Some things you don’t have aren’t because you aren’t good enough, maybe God’s perfect timing hasn’t manifested itself yet. Maybe it is a “not now” not a “no.”

You haven’t been able to conceive a child yet, but look at all the wonderful children you have blessed. No, they are not yours and God is working on you.

You haven’t started your own brand yet, but look at all the innovative ideas you have thoughtfully crafted. It’s coming and your God given gifts are making room for you.

You didn’t lose all the weight, but you live a healthier life. Slim thick season is in the future (aayyee) and you are treating your body as your temple.

You don’t know what pure joy is. It’s your life in this very moment, but maybe get out of your own head.

Your internal dialogue sucks and it needs a new script.

I know it always seems like you have to hold it together to be a comfort for other people, but you know it’s ok to not be ok right? Your emotions are not a sign of weakness, but in fact an indicator of significant strength. To take time to know what you feel and articulate that. You did that. You learned to do that. But, you feel guilty; why? Your feelings don’t need validation to be genuine. They are what they are, and that’s that about that.

Why do you find it so incredibly difficult to be as kind to yourself as you are to other people?! You would not accept the lack of confidence or (seeming) endless streams of doubt from others, but that’s an acceptable out for you somehow (insert sarcasm). It isn’t really. Think about how your time could be spent if you replaced the “I don’t know if I can,” “I don’t know how I fit,” or “Maybe they think I’m ____ (whatever it is you tell yourself)” talk with “Yup, I can handle that,” “Screw them if they don’t get me,” or “I’m amazeballs. Period.” The impact that would have on your unpredictable mental health would change your life love.

Folks don’t get you because you don’t show them all of you. You have stifled the boundlessness of your magic and the world is now a little less bright. See what you did. You told yourself you couldn’t and you didn’t. Could the alternative also be true? Could it be that if you told yourself how great you are you could radiate said greatness into your spaces? Now, look, you don’t need to use anyone else as a measure of YOUR greatness, because your being great is the culmination of the opportunities you have and opportunities you take. (A percentage of sorts since you like math.)

“The voice of a Black woman should always be HERSELF …

No edits — no erasure — no pressure — no expectations — no additions — no intruders” {Malebo Sephodi}

Yo — look at your life sis! That thing is so dope. There are so many people who pray for your worst days. Like, your worst days would be a blessing to someone else. Do you know how big that is? I mean that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have bad days; you deserve your process. It does mean, you have a beautifully brushed canvas from which to continue your picture and that is inspiring.

You have developed your capacity to give and receive love. I told you I loved you and I hope you know just how much. This hard truth was from me to you to remind you not only how hard this year has been for you mentally, but how much room there is for you to make this universe a more genuine place. Speak your truth always. Love looks different, but it always looks like authenticity. And, that sis, you have. You are you and that is an exceptional achievement in a world where most folks struggle with self actualization; now, go be courageous. Pass that gift on.

I love you. I am you (and likely any other person who reads this).

#IamSis #SisIsMe