Am I the only one or there’s always a conflict when it comes to love. I always think that love is an amazing feeling that makes you feel above the clouds. But the reality seems a little different. I’m only 20. Maybe I should write this when I reached around 40. But I had some strong feelings (love or not) and at the end none of them felt so good. At first I was a child and he was a child. When I think of those days, I have totally different perspective than past. I can see something clearly now. And again I’m only 20. (I’m kinda excited to see these days in future)

In past, because of being a child, I only had feelings that I can focus. Right now I have logic, at least I believe I have. And when it comes to love those two starts to fight. Especially when I want to prevent myself from being hurt.

My logical self (I will call them as my logical self and emotional self) see situations objectively. Telling me that this person is not good for me. Telling me a list of not only bad things he has but also good things he has. (Mostly focus on bad things) My logical self wants to focus bad things because of the tendency of ignoring those bad things when we feel good about someone. It warns me about not going too fast. “Don’t fell in love.”, “You really sure about this person?”, “You don’t need someone else girl!”… At this point my emotional self comes to fight.

My emotional self tells me life is too short to afraid of those feelings. Even if it’s a bad or good feeling. Just feel it. Don’t think about it that much! And it wants to write poems, listen songs while thinking about him, and wants to talk with him all the time. And the worst of it is expectations. My emotional self starts to expect something from him. Maybe the basic of a relationship is expectations but I believe they shouldn’t be so high, especially before knowing someone a little. It hurts a lot afterwards.

As a result, I might have two different sides but I’m trying to learn how to combine them. I’m only 20 (again). I know i’ll learn how to deal with feelings. I’ve learned so much over the years. I tried too hard to learn how to deal with feelings, and I’m still learning. Nowadays there’s a peace agreement between my two sides. I know that I’m an individual as I am, and love is a feeling just like sadness and happiness for me. I might feel it sometimes, different types and with different people. But main character of my life is always me so I don’t need to be the main character in another story.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”

Sylvia Plath

Nowadays I feel a little bit down, god knows why, and I wrote a letter to future myself immediately. I used future.me website this time but I’ve been doing this since I was a child. I have a box filled with my dairies and every diary includes lots of letter to future. Mostly I forget when I write them in a notebook but in this website it’s impossible to forget. Because they send this letter to you. You can choose the date. (Nope this isn’t an advertisement, please don’t skip)

While writing a letter to myself, I feel naked. In a good way. My honesty is quite high while speaking with my future self. Because I know that my future self would understand. Nobody does but she will. Every year I feel that I’m growing , especially in these years. I’m in my early twenties so every year something’s changing. Every year I feel more mature. It’s such a hard feeling to leave your childhood but I should admit that it’s satisfying. And I think about my childhood. I want to hug her. I want to support her. I know it’s impossible right now. So I ask for help before my future self want to help me. (Maybe I’m a little lonely person.)

After being totally honest, I write some assumptions about the future. Maybe a little manifesting. I write my current favorite songs, shows and everything. It’s nice to see how we’re different in every chapter in our life.

The last reason is, I like writing. I have a loquacious brain. It just keeps talking about past, future and now. Especially if there’s a person involved in , oh my god, it doesn’t stop thinking and creating new scenarios. That’s why writing is like throwing out. Thanks god we have a ability to write.

“I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited.”

Sylvia Plath

I use this website: https://www.futureme.org/