Last year I read the most amount of books I have ever read. This year I wanted to surpass that goal. I didn’t have a specific number in mind. Instead I simply did not want to stop. I wanted to go from one book to the other and find a way to read, even if for just a few minutes, every single day.

Of course, this goal does not include the number of news articles, work blogs and magazine articles from the Harvard Business Review, RV Magazine, Florida Trend, The Economist, and National Geographic, to name just a few, that I read on a daily basis. Did I mention I’m also working on my third book?

By the time the first quarter of this year ended I had read twelve books. Wow! Could I possibly read twelve books every quarter? I am not sure if I will be able to do that, however I decided I wanted to share the books I have read each quarter and not wait until the end of the year.

My top books for the first quarter in 2022 are:

12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson

Crucified by many who have never heard him speak and loved by those who have taken the time to discover, listen and learn about his thinking, teachings and life, Jordan completely won me over. There is nothing better than to truly understand the world exactly as it is.

Poor Dad Rich Dad by Roberto Kiyosaki

I read this book for the first time around 2003 right after buying my first investment property. This year, I wanted a reminder of his lessons to make sure I was on the right track. Robert helps us understand the thinking of someone who works for their money versus someone who allows their money to work for them. A great reminder that it takes time, dedication and plenty of sacrifices to achieve financial freedom. You either spend your money or you buy an asset, the choice is yours.

Why do so many incompetent men become leaders? (and how to stop it) by Thomas Chamorro-Premuzic

I came across this book while reading an article in the Harvard Business Review called 7 Leadership lessons men can learn from women. I was not only surprised to find that a man had written the article but that he researched and wrote an entire book about the subject. A great book for anyone in an organization in charge of promoting people. You will be surprised to learn how quickly you can turn a company around by simply hiring the right people.

Bridges out of Poverty by Ruby Payne

Assigned to me as part of my Leadership Florida class, it was incredibly eye opening. I had the privilege and the opportunity to meet the author and spend over an hour getting to know her in a one-on-one setting. Her research, thinking and ideas are remarkable. If only individuals, companies, and the systems in place could all learn to understand poverty, people and simply think outside their box. You will be surprised to learn the ways in which each social class differs.

The 48 Laws of Power By Roberto Greene

From sick to my stomach to must-do rules of life I follow, this book took me through a wide range of emotions and made me think of many instances in my life where I wish I had known how the world truly operates. From advising you to crush your enemy completely to avoiding infectious people, the book took me on a journey in time as the author vividly described how each rule has been used throughout history and how I can use them to my advantage in modern times.

Whether I agreed or even liked the books I read, I always learn something new with each one of them. The goal is not always to read from those who share our thoughts and ideas but rather to read to understand those who think differently than we do. Furthermore it allows me the opportunity to either discover something new about myself or question my current ideas or beliefs.

Through learning comes understanding which leads to effective communication between people, groups and even countries who think differently.

Other books read as of today:

• Cultish: The language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell
• Wordslut: A feminist guide to taking back the English Language by Amanda Montell
• Fierce Love- Creating a love that lasts one conversation at a time by Susan Scott
• The Catalyst: How to change anyone’s mind by Jonah Berger
• The innovation Stack by Jim Mckelvey
• How remarkable women lead by Joanna Baush and Susie Cranston
• Competing in the age of AI by Marco Lansity
• Teaming to Innovate by Amy C Edmondson
• The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the workplace for learning, innovation and growth by Amy Edmondson
• Humble Inquiry: The Gentle art of Asking instead of Telling
• By Edgar H. Schein

Currently reading:

• My life in North Florida — 12 short reads by Kermit Marlin Brown
• Pay up — The Future of Women and Work (and why it;s different than you think) by Reshma Saujani
• Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi
• The Book of Gutsy Women: Favorite Stories of Courage and Resilience by Hillary and Chelsea Clinton

Sometimes when I leave hot yoga I feel high. Tonight is one of those nights! I have always said “I’m high on life” and I truly can’t understand why people resort to drugs and alcohol to get the natural feeling your body can produce on its own. I can enter the tunnel. I can feel myself floating. I am taken elsewhere as I rub my hands through my hair. It’s a natural feeling you get when you get to live and love life.

I sometimes use these opportunities where I am somewhere else to reflect. Tonight I saw how once again we allow others to occupy the space that belongs to us. As I placed my mat right next to the instructor, I noticed an entire row empty behind me. Only the woman that claims her spot by the wall is in the first row. She is right behind the bookshelf. Maybe more are scheduled to come and they are simply running late, I thought to myself. Unfortunately that was not the case.

Three days ago, I noticed how out of the five men that were in the hot yoga class, four of them were in the front row. I was a bit mad, yet it was so eye opening. It was painfully clear why they were there. The women in the room left the space empty for them to take.

As I sit here enjoying a glass of red wine and dark chocolate at hand, further enjoying the small pleasures of life, I am reminded of some of the reasons women continue to fall behind. A hot yoga class reminded me of that. Research shows that even accomplished women still don’t take the front row, speak up, or show up to the level (unaccomplished) men do.

In my life only men have been my mentors. Men have been the only ones willing to hold my hand and pull me forward. Men have been the ones to push me, challenge me, and provide me with opportunities to learn, excel and achieve more. They have encouraged and taught me so much. I thank those men profusely as I would not be where I am without them. Erwin, Ebe, Tío Alvin, Thank you.

I want more women to not only be mentors for other women but to show them we can, if we want, hold the same positions men do. So the next time we complain about not getting paid the same, or not having the same positions, think about what YOU can do differently to achieve that. Perhaps you simply need to place your yoga mat in the front row right behind or next to the teacher so that no one else takes the space that belongs to you.

They are simply taking the space we are not willing to occupy. Think about that!

The continuous search for knowledge is the highest form of wisdom. Jordan Peterson

No one can take away your knowledge, your education, your own thoughts. I love sharing and learning ideas from others. I am always open to reading anything even if it is something completely different than what I believe at that present moment. I see it as an opportunity to discover another world; an opportunity to enter someone else’s mind. I also see it as the chance to be able to see the world through another set of eyes which by default encompass a different set of experiences than my own.

Last year I doubled the number of books I read from the previous year. I read and read and kept on reading. I listened to podcasts and started many books, some I’m still working to finish up. I also finished writing my second book, Know Your Worth.

Many of the books I read were recommendations from friends, others were discovered in podcasts and my local bookstore, Midtown Reader also had a say so in my selection. I discussed many of them with my partner and we used it as a way to learn from and about each other. One thing was consistent across the board, with every single book I took notes and wrote down my own thoughts and ideas.

Thank you to everyone who gave me the opportunity to enter their world.

My Top 5 books for 2021:

The diving bell and the butterfly by Jean Dominique Bauby.

What a sad and painful way to go. This book served as an unbelievable reminder that life as we know it can change in the glimpse of an eye and sometimes there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. It showed me what it truly means to be truly trapped while at the same time it reminded me of the magic of patience and perseverance.

Useful delusions. The power and paradox of the self deceiving brain by Shankar Vedantam

It did not take much convincing to pick up this book. As a listener of his podcast “The Hidden Brain” Shankar has always provided me with valuable and unforgettable information. As someone who focuses on logic, habits, and facts it was mesmerizing and disheartening to see how so many throw reality out the window.

The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity by Esther Perel.

Full disclosure: I read this book three times this year and once last year. My partner and I began calling her “Auntie Esther.” I simply could not get enough of her. I discovered her a year prior when on a long driving trip I came across her podcast. Finally! Someone that explains many of my hidden writings and my outcast thoughts and who gives you an opportunity to yet again, discover something new.

A Land Remembered by Patrick Smith

A book I would have never picked up on my own, yet I was required to read as part of Leadership Florida. It took me a bit to get into it, but I genuinely loved learning about Florida history. I was completely fascinated by the way things were and how they became how they are now. In some places it’s incredible to see how time has simply stood still.

Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke

Back in September, my daughter Nikki sent me a text message:

“I’m listening to an episode of the Joe Rogan podcast and he has an addiction expert on there and it’s super interesting. She said that she never tries to predict which patients will get better and which won’t but that when she has had patients that blame everyone else for each problem in their life they have never gotten better.”

“Boom! Send me the link,” I immediately replied.

I was completely fascinated by the book! It strengthened all the knowledge and thoughts I have about addiction.

Other books read in 2021:

• Surrounded by Idiots. The four types of human behavior by Thomas Erikson
• Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier
• Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Flason
• Down Girl by Kate Manne
• The Greatest Secret by Rhonda Byrne
• Uncomfortable conversation with a black man by Emmanuel Acho
• In the meantime: Finding yourself the love you want by Iyanta Vanzant
• The Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele
• Mating in Captivity. In search of erotic intelligence by Esther Perel
• NO More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
• Think Again by Adam Grant
• The 80/80 Marriage by Nate and Kaley Klemp
• The universe has your back by Gabrielle Bernstein
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
• Never get ghosted again by Bruce Bryans
• The all or nothing marriage by Eli Finkel
• Adultery by Paulo Coehlo (Spanish version)
• You can be right or you can be married by Dana Adam Shapiro
• Eight Dates by John Gottman
• Get off the Porch by Alicia Booker
• Codependent no more by Melody Beattie
• 13 Things mentally strong people don’t do by Amy Moren

Jan 7, 2022

For several years now I have been researching, writing, and even publicly speaking about the idea of knowing yourself, of being genuine, authentic, and finding a way to set yourself free. I shared the steps I had myself taken to walk away from a bad relationship, to stay focused on my goals and to never forget who I am and what I want. Yet somehow, some people were having a hard time understanding the concepts. How do you do it? Was the constant question I kept getting over and over. You set your mind to it, you make it happen, you make it a priority, you remind yourself, you simply force yourself if you have to. You wake up every single day of your life and you work at it. Period! It resonated with me, with some, but not with many.

It was while reading Dopamine Nation, Finding the balance in the Age of Indulgence, where I found the missing link. It was Chapter 8, Radical Honesty, when I finally understood that those who lie to themselves and by default to the world and those around them, will never see recovery, will never see the joy in life, will never be able to have genuine relationships and even more importantly, they will absolutely never know themselves. It is only when you are truthful that you become more authentic, genuine, spontaneous and simply free.

It finally clicked!!! Lying is the one thing that will keep you from ever knowing who you are. I knew that! In my core I knew that.

I knew it because in November of 2020, I came across the VIA survey, which provided me with a 45 page report with the Total 24 Character Strengths Report. I was not surprised when HONESTY came up as number one in my profile spotlight. It made sense!

The report also stated how others described me: Authentic, Genuine, Direct and Straightforward! Authentic and Genuine happen to be two of the words I used in my Instagram bio to describe myself!

How could I possibly forget that a person will never be able to be authentic without being honest first?

How was it possible that a characteristic that is so important for me was the one I missed out when trying to guide and help others?

The truth is, I constantly forget how much people lie to themselves and to others.

As I look at the world around me filled with addiction, obesity, numbing, feelings of excess, bad marriages, social media lives different from the actual reality, I realize all these people are missing telling the truth in their lives.

Lying to yourself has become easier than ever before. So much of your life can be hidden from others, from the world around. The conveniences in our lives make it easy to hide. The companies that benefit from your addictions create “nice names” to show up on your credit card statement, so that you can continue to hide and maybe so it doesn’t make you feel guilty when you see the bill.

Food, drugs, alcohol, pills, porn, gambling, social media — they all come to you with only a few clicks.

If lying to yourself to hide from yourself is easy, imagine how much easier it is to lie to others to manipulate them into thinking you are not who you really are.

I’ve always struggled to understand how someone, anyone, can lie day in and day out to those they say they love, to everyone around them, while navigating through life. Knowing in your heart that you are nothing but a lie. Knowing you lie to pretend to be someone you are not. Knowing you lie and blame others because you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions. Knowing you lie because you are jealous of what others are able to accomplish, create, and have overcome. Knowing you lie because you are in denial of who you are. Knowing you lie because you are unwilling to work hard to live a life of truth and make changes to your life.

When you have nothing to hide, no one to convince with your lies, you are left with simply an amazing life to live. There is something simply magical about the ability to be able to wake up every morning knowing your words matter. Your words mean something. Your words are truthful.

Being honest affects every aspect of your life. It allows you to be more comfortable with yourself. You no longer hide from your own secrets. The truth allows you to know who you really are.

Remember, the beauty of being honest, of telling the truth to yourself, and those around you is that it sets you FREE.

Hopefully there will be a point in your life where you choose to be honest and stop living a lie.

The only people mad at you for speaking the truth are those that are living a lie. Anonymous

November 26th, 2021

I have spent many years talking to both men and women, reading books and listening to podcasts trying to understand how others define relationships, the values they attach to them, the non expressed expectations they place on their significant others, the physical, sexual and/or emotional loneliness many feel, or the simple lack of “something missing” in their relationships.

In January 2006, I was the maid of honor to my childhood friend Zoraya. I had never given a speech before and honestly I was naively hoping I didn’t have to as I never prepared one for the occasion. I was wrong and when they called my name to say a few words I silently said to myself “oh fuck” while tightening my tummy and simultaneously saying “suck it up butter cup; go get it done.”

I briefly spoke of my love for her, our friendship and I gave them both one piece of unsolicited advice. I said something along the lines of “Do not let the outside world, including but not limited to friends and family, influence you into an idea of what a relationship and your marriage should be, but rather take the time to communicate with each other and the two of you find a way to figure out what works for you both, regardless of how different, unconventional and/or off based it seems to the rest of the world. It’s your life, your relationship, your marriage, only the two of you decide how to make it work. So don’t worry about what everyone else says.”

I was standing in a room filled with people who, although clapped for the words I said, I am not sure they necessarily believed them, as tradition, societal expectations, and rules had defined their life up until that point.

I describe myself as a bit unconventional although I readily admit, I too, have fallen prey at some point or another of the expectations of the world around me. I do not follow the ideas, standards, and even moral values placed on me by society, friends, family and the world. I make up my life as I go. I have the ability to change my mind and I get to decide how I want my relationships to be. I would be lying if the thought of what is deemed right vs wrong does not cross my mind every now and then, however I suspect that Catholic part of me will always remain, yet it does not take over me anymore. It is simply a reminder of a life I once lived.

Throughout my self discovery I have come to define what is truly important to me in a romantic relationship. I have learned that I can not possibly place so many expectations onto one person nor can I simply expect one person to satisfy all my needs, whatever those may be. Stability, happiness, financial security, emotional affection, sexual satisfaction and so many others are oftentimes impossible expectations to place on just one human. Although I truly believe the right couple can in fact make it possible.

Communication as I see it, is defined by being honest, vulnerable, and open about my expectations, what I want, what I don’t want, what I am comfortable doing, and what under no circumstances I am willing to entertain and by leaving the door ajar to what I have yet to discover or encounter. At times being honest can also be painful to me or the other person involved.

Intimacy is not just about fucking. I have always said, the biggest factor that separates a friendship and a romantic relationship for me is sexual intimacy. I am not talking about the ability to just sleep with someone and move on, but rather be able to have open and honest communication on what we want and need in that area of our lives at that precise moment in time while being aware it can simply all change overnight.

Learning to let go has been one of the hardest yet most powerful lessons I have learned in my life. There are times that no matter how much love there is between two souls we simply have to find the strength, courage, and the ability to just walk away, not necessarily for us but for them. To allow others to walk the path they have chosen and to know that loving someone is more than just holding on to them, but that at times is greatly defined by the ability to let them go.

Faithfulness can be tricky to define in an era of non stop interaction with others, blended families, dead end relationships, co-parenting, and simply all the unknown that currently exists in the world. We can’t possibly label every situation before we enter the relationship, but rather it is defined as situations arise. This is maybe where unicorns or as a friend and I recently called it Pegasus comes in. It is ultimately my desire to not want to share my body with anyone else that matters in this case.

Promises tend to be spoken words that lead to disappointment, pain, and regret. I can’t possibly make a promise about tomorrow today not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Things change and couples fall into this never ending cycle of promises that continue to be broken over time leading to resentment. It is in these moments when I have learned to take things one minute, one hour, one day at a time without making promises but continuing to be open and honest in my communication.

All around us the songs have been written and the movies have been made of the lives lived, the lovers lost, the second chances given. None are more important than the ability for us to define our relationships exactly how we want them and how they would work best for us. By challenging the world around us we become aware of what we truly want, need and desire in our lives and we start living and loving exactly how and who we want.

“Today I am a woman torn between the terror that everything might change and the equal terror that everything might carry on exactly the same for the rest of my days. — Paulo Coelho

May 30th, 2021

One person plus one typewriter constitute a movement.

Pauli Murray

A month ago, I released into the world my book, Own your Fire. It still feels surreal. The first couple of weeks I was feeling like a truck ran over me, better yet, it was the equivalent of doing an Ironman, the day after. The stiffness, the numbness, the pain, the excitement, but above all, the utter disbelief of the accomplishment. I was feeling it all. I did it! I finally released my story, my truth to the world in the hopes I can help others.

I have been so humbled by the messages I have received, the encouragement I have gotten, the vulnerability others have shown with their own stories while they message me, but I have also been immensely taken back by the number of men and women reaching out saying THANK YOU. Thank you for writing this, thank you for helping me be a better father, thank you for the wisdom you have shared on how to deal with my kids, thank you for giving me the strength to start changing things in my life, thank you for reminding me to continue doing what is right, but more importantly thank you for being willing to share your story with the world.

I have done many things in my life, Ely. I have fought with politicians, City Hall and some other battles along the way, but what you did here was ballsy, said my boss, Dr. Erwin D. Jackson, a few days after he read my book. What is remarkable, he added, is that you continue to have that smile after it all. As a PhD in Psychology, he said, I can tell you it is very difficult to share with people that know us and you have done it in such a way where you owned your responsibility and did not blame anyone else along the way. Now, that’s ballsy! I think you are very brave.

When I decided to write this book, I did not think of it as ballsy. I did not think of it as a therapeutic way to heal. I did not think of it as a way to expose addiction, abuse, or provide helpful tips. I wrote it as I thought it would be selfish not to share my story to try to help others. I wrote it to stand up for others who can not speak up. I made myself a target and the shield for those who are hurting. I know I am brave for owning my story. I know I am helping others be free and stand up on their own. As Brené Brown said “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.”

I truly hope this book can help you. Find it at www.elyrosario.com/book

March 9th, 2021

My daughter thinks “I’m weird” to use her exact choice of words. Yet, I find a certain level of comfort in having pieces of my mom’s skin tucked away between her own jewelry in my drawer. They are perfectly placed in a ziploc bag laying on a paper towel I found in the bathroom next to her along with three short pieces of her hair.

I found her dead on October 20th, 2020. She had been dead 3–4 days, no one knows exactly. It is an image you can’t erase. Her legs and feet were purple against her light colored skin laying on the ground, her left hand hanging from her side against the tub. Her pants were down yet her head and part of upper torso were leaning inside the tub. Her head was covered by the sparkling sage shower curtain I bought her a few months before. It was clear she did not die on that tub, but rather her body eventually fell over.

The kids and I went over to see her that summer day just a few months before. When I went into the restroom I noticed she did not have a shower curtain, yet it was clear she took baths in there. I immediately went to Walmart and selected this one. I knew she liked that light green. She had used that color to decorate her old condo in Orlando. I also knew she liked sparkles. It was perfect for her. I had Gaby installed it that same day. She loved it, she said.

It was that same sparkling sage shower curtain that shielded me from seeing her face when I found her. It was as if somehow the universe protected me with that sparkle as she laid there dead.

Her left hand is embedded in my head. I have a secret Love for hands. It started when I was a child in 5th grade; I was 10. My mom was a hand surgeon and I remember the nights she practiced on my hands how she would perform her surgery the next day. I would sit next to her on her bed right in front of the tv, usually the Golden Girls, Kojak, or Charles Angels was on. I would give her my hand for her to draw. Her selection of my right or left hand depended on what hand she was performing the surgery on the patient the next day. She would take a pen and draw the incisions, explain to herself out loud how she would go in and by the end of our mockup surgery, my hand looked like a treasure map with all the minute lines all over it yet unlike the treasure map the X was right where she would make the first cut. I liked it when the ink was blue. My love of hands was solidified when I watched the movie Beaches. Hillary was sick and she forgot what her mother’s hands looked like as she herself was dying. She was frantically and furiously looking through pictures to find a glimpse of them. This moment sealed my love of hands.

When I found my mom dead she had a dark nail polish on her nails that needed to be removed. Her fingers were pointy, almost witch like and bony. The way I picture the hands from the witch from Snow White as she holds the poisonous apple in her hands. The thickness her fingers once had was completely gone. Her hands as I knew them were truly gone.

I remember my mom’s hands, practically perfect, always soft. Her nails were barely able to be seen from the tip of her fingers. I am sure she kept them short her entire life from the surgeries, long nails tend to break the gloves. She had pretty nails. Her hands were not wrinkled, just a few lines here and there and some visible veins across the top. Her hands are very similar to mine, yet mine are darker and have more wrinkles in my fingers than she ever did.

When her body was removed by the funeral home, three pieces of skin from her right arm remained. They had glued themselves perfectly on the edge of the tub. You could clearly see the lines or better yet the small wrinkles on them. I wanted no one to touch what remained of her. She left in a way she would have been horrified to see herself. I wasn’t going to let someone else clean up what was left of her. That was my job, my responsibility, my way of saying I’m here for you until the end, goodbye. Until we find our souls, our paths, our journeys in a different way once again.

Te amo mami.

February 28, 2021

On October 13, 2019, I wrote an article so raw and filled with pain that my editor asked me to tone it down. She said she could tell the topic brought me a lot of pain. It was the story of a friend. She had asked me to stand in court and help her fight for her kids. Without any hesitation nor even thinking about it twice I responded: “I WILL BE THERE.” I hope for my editors sake I have toned it down some.

A while back, I spoke to a good friend of mine who had been going through a court battle with her ex-husband regarding his relocation and desire to have full custody of the children. Ironically, her trial happened to be the same day as the closing remarks of a high profile case that made national news for the murder of an FSU professor, Dr. Dan Markel, who was allegedly killed for hire by the family of the mother, Wendi Adelson, in order to be able to relocate the children to a different city.

My friend ended up never needing me in court. After the first two hours, the attorneys realized it was better to settle. In essence, she won the battle. But as my friend was narrating what went on during her trial over the phone, I was completely taken over by tears, overwhelmed, and painfully saddened when I heard her describe how her ex-husband’s current partner got on the stand. It hit me hard. It truly felt like a physical punch in the gut. A woman would rather believe and stand by a man rather than help and stand next to another woman who actually needed help. This woman stood in court on Friday October 11, 2019 to help her now husband take away his children from their mother because he wanted a new life in a different city, with his new wife, and his children. This woman sat in court and described how she witnessed the exchanges of the kids in the parking lot of a grocery store. She said how the mother of the children would take her time parting ways with her babies, only 5 and 2 at the time. How the kids would get upset, but she thought the mother was making the situation worse. She also described the times during swimming lessons when the mother would stop by for a chance to see her girls; the girls would stop paying attention and wanted her mom to get in the water with them. She said the kids were being distracted by her mom. Furthermore, she described how the mother “badmouthed” her in the community by telling those who asked how her and the ex-husband met. You see, the husband was cheating on my friend while pregnant with their second child with none other than the woman who sat in that courtroom.

I had been witnessing some of the exchanges for my friend for a year. Every time, I left in tears. What I saw would haunt me for days, still does at times. I saw her babies cling to her mom not wanting to let go. I saw her ex husband just standing there as if the girls were putting on a show. He just stood there, arms crossed in his chest. He didn’t try to help console the babies. He didn’t even get close to them to try to get them in his arms slowly. But rather, he stood there taping his right foot and at arms length asked for her daughter to come. All while the current wife just sat on the passenger seat of the car. I was ready to testify in court and tell the judge what truly took place during those exchanges.

What I thought was intriguing, is that it never dawned to this woman that exchanging young children in the parking lot of a grocery store for the protection of the mother was troublesome, to say the least.

She also failed to understand, as a woman of no children of her own, the babies could not tell time, nor days of the week, and had absolutely no contact with their mom while they stayed with their dad. He made sure of that. Of course the girls got upset! They had no clue what was going on! It seemed absolutely logical for two young girls to get upset not knowing when they would see their mom again or even hear her voice.

But truly think about this for just a second and let it sink in. A woman helping a man take away the children from their mother, to limit, and drastically reduce the time with her own children. And let it be clear, we are not talking about a case of abuse from the mother. We are not talking about alcoholism, drugs, bad parenting, neglect, or the like. And even if we were, sadly enough the courts do not typically help the children in that situation. I have lived that battle myself with my own children.

A woman, an educated and professional woman rationalized why it is perfectly fine for her to help take away the children of another woman, to limit the time the children spend with their own mother, to pretend that she is a better role model to those children than the only person who has fought day and night for them, their own mother, all over a man.

Take a minute or two to reflect on that.

I ask why? I ask loudly as if I was screaming, but not screaming to incite fear or anger, but rather screaming in pain and filled with tears? The type of scream you hear and instantly you know someone needs your help so you turn to help. I ask, why?

Why is a woman so quick to believe what a man tells her about his past significant other and erase any rational thoughts, truths, and behaviors she knows about her?

Why do women turn their backs on other women?

Why do women betray, lie, hide, and even go to such extremes to try to take other women’s children away whether physically or emotionally, reduce the children’s contact with their mom, pretend they can just take over as a new mom, all over a man?

Why would any woman be attracted to a man that speaks ill of the mother of his own children? That blames her? And maybe more importantly, why do you, as a woman, justify his behavior as if it was ok?

Even more baffling is that these women don’t see how they too will be in the same position one day. How the behavior being displayed towards his now ex partner is the same behavior he will display when you, his current partner also becomes an ex. You are not different. He is showing you who he is ahead of time. This unwillingness to see the reality of a situation will lead many women down a path of having a relationship with an abusive man over and over in their lives.

In the book, Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft shares, An abusive man is not a reliable source of information about his partner. He adds, abusive men tend to paint a very poor picture of their ex partner as a way to attract women that are so used to being abused.

Statistically a man will hurt, destroy financially, and even kill a woman at a higher rate than a woman will ever do to a man, yet some women keep placing these men first.

We need more women to stand up and question any man’s negative comments of his past partner. We need more women to ask those he so ill speaks about, their story. And more importantly, we need more women to walk away from someone who has such a dark past.

If you are one of those women that are living courageously standing next to the women in need I commend, admire, and genuinely thank you. If more of us did that, more women would take care of each other and each other’s children instead of wasting our time with another man and seeing children suffer unnecessarily.

If you are one of those women that rather stand next to a man, this is your chance to do better. Because in the words of Maya Angelou, when you know better, you do better. Be the shield for those women in need walking right next to you and stop standing beside a man who is no good for you.

To be continued ……

.

After I gave my first talk ever on February 12, 2020, I was overwhelmed with emails, facebook posts, facebook messages, and texts thanking me for sharing a bit of my truth and helping women take the necessary steps to knowing their worth.

More humbling were the women that reached out to me and said, would you please share my story to the world for others to know? Keep my name and my children’s name out of it, but tell the world what I went through. To be fair and completely transparent some men reached out too.

I am in the middle of finishing a book about my life, my journey, my truth, but I also want to take the time and share the stories of the women that so courageously shared their truths with me. Some of these situations I personally witnessed as some of these women are my friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Their stories need to be heard.

I will start by saying, this is not a competition. These are not stories for you to compare with the ones you have lived, your parents, and even some of your friends. The thoughts of “oh, well I went through worse” or “That’s not that bad” should never enter your mind. That is not a decision for you to make. These are stories of women who have been completely broken down either emotionally, physically, or financially and at times all three by the men they loved and supported and the women that did not stand by their side.

On October 13, 2019, I wrote an article so raw and filled with pain that my editor asked me to tone it down. She said she could tell the topic brought me a lot of pain. It was the story of a close friend. She had asked me to stand in court and help her fight for her kids. Without any hesitation nor even thinking about it twice I responded: “I WILL BE THERE.” I hope for my editors sake I have toned it down some.

One of the most frustrating things for me is not being able to write, say, or share information fast enough for people to see it, understand it, and then apply it. But even worse is not being able to truly grab someone’s attention and heart to make them see and understand how their actions are contributing to the problem at heart.

My personal passion has always been being able to empower, motivate, and help women and children make better choices, stand by each other, develop coping skills, and live better lives. So I ask,

• How do we get women to value themselves and see their worth?
• How do we get women to place their children and themselves first and not the need to have a man in their life?
• How do we get women to stand next to, in front of, and behind a woman rather than a worthless man?

Their stories need to be heard……..

March 9, 2020

On June 23, 2019 I began a new practice with my kids. It was something I had done in my journals for over 20 years. It was also something I started with them years prior in our car rides to and from school, usually after school. One day, I decided we would convert our meaningful car talks into gratitude boards. I wanted them to truly understand and make a habit out of being able to see the tiniest light among all the darkness that sometimes surrounds us in some of our days. It was one thing talking about it in the car, but it was another to put it on paper. Similar to when I used to go on my early morning runs and I would see those tiny yet sparkling spots in the darkness of the morning night. Several times I cried underneath those sparkles that illuminated me as I ran. Some people choose to only see the darkness of the sky yet others choose to seek the minuscule amount of light the stars can provide. I am the latter and I wanted my kids to also find a way to seek, look, and find those sparkling spots of light throughout their days, even when their faces were covered in tears and their hearts were filled with pain.

I placed our simple yet soon to be powerful boards in my living room wall. It was hard at first for me as it was such an eye sore and I love a well kept, clean, and simply decorated home. It’s ok, I said to myself, this is not only going to make our home even more special, but it is going to help my kids and I for many years to come.

Every night before going to bed I would say “Don’t forget to write your gratitude” as we all stood in the living room together. Although my kids were excited about it when we started, it was not easy every day. “Ugh, do we have to?”, “I’m already in bed”, “ I can’t think of anything right now”, “Can I just write it in the morning?” “I’m tired” were some of their first and as I called them lame excuses. Many times it was the simplest things in our days that caught our attention and brought a smile to our faces. Things such as being able to see a red cardinal eating out of our bird feeder while looking through our bedroom window; walking around the neighborhood together at the end of our day; seeing a deer in the trails, cuddling in our back porch or even at times being able to see our gardenia and hibiscus blossom in our yard. Other days we wrote more impressive and extraordinary things such as going boating, catching one or sometimes multiple fish, watching a magnificent sunset by the water, seeing dolphins, hanging out with some of our best friends or eating our favorite dessert in bed.

Not every day was easy and sometimes my kids would stare blankly in front of the boards with a sharpie in their hand trying, searching, digging for something positive to write. It was sometimes on those hard days when they would ask, can I please skip today mami? No baby, you can’t skip it today, I would tell them. I know it is hard, but it is in these hard moments where we truly find our strength. It is in these moments when we decide to throw in the towel and give up or we make the decision to keep on going, keep on fighting regardless of how hard or painful it feels. We are not going to give up when it’s hard, I said; we are going to keep moving forward together. I too had those hard days sometimes yet in some of them I would simply write “my tribe” as it was them who helped me and were there for me. For my kids, I became their tribe and on some of those hard days, they would simply write “having my mom” or “being able to talk to my mom”. It was on those days where my gratitude was simply being able to be my kids fort while trying so hard to also be their shield from the outside pain.

But we did it! Even after all the painful, terrifying, and sometimes tearful days the last year brought, we did it. A full year’s worth of gratitudes. 32 boards completely filled on both sides for a total of 64 boards of the small things that filled our hearts, gave us joy, kept us focused, and got us through the hard times. This was a huge milestone for us and it was worth every second of it. Many times those gratitudes were written with tears in our eyes, some were tears of joy, others of pain, but either way the biggest gratitude was that we were always there for each other. More importantly we kept searching for the tiny bits of light throughout our days.

A few days ago, I took my kids boating and fishing. About five minutes into our boat ride, my son Gaby spotted a manatee in the water. “Oh my God guys look at that manatee” he yelled at us all. We quickly turned around and were able to see this magnificent creature from afar. Without any hesitation and with the greatest amount of joy in his voice while rubbing his hands together as he does when he is genuinely excited, Gaby said “that was definitely a gratitude”. And there, 5 days before we celebrated our one year anniversary of writing down our gratitudes, my heart was full as my baby boy finally made a habit out of finding, searching, and pointing out the gratitudes of our days. That morning he could have said the boat or even having his cool new fishing rod I got him, but instead he chose the moment when his heart dictated what was truly a gratitude for him.

As I look back at all of our boards, some of which we have had to take down to make more room for the new ones, I can’t help but think how long it took for this tiny little thing to become a daily habit. To become something that without thinking we do every day. It takes time to develop positive new habits. It also takes plenty of effort and determination, but the magic happens when you do them every single day no matter what. When you don’t give up, when you don’t give into your own excuses, when you stop complaining and find ways to keep moving forward without failing. It is then when you are able to see the difference between what you were doing and creating a new life.

This small yet amazing feat of writing down our gratitudes has also led my kids into a new world. My daughter Emma has fallen in love with creating quotes about finding her inner strength and knowing her worth and together we decided to journal with a book of questions. My son Gaby on the other hand has fallen in love with journaling and began writing a book. The boards allowed my children to find even the smallest amount of joy while the journals became a new and safe place to let go of all the sorrows while growing and be able to have open conversations about how we are feeling and how we can make things better.

My house is never quiet but now at the end of our days, the voice saying “Don’t forget to write your gratitude” is not just my own, but at times it is them reminding me to write my gratitude right below theirs.

June 24th,2020