This is more or less a vent blog on a different aspect of my life. And if you’re a Deaf/ Hard of Hearing mom like me, maybe you can relate.

I’m sure with the title of this blog you must think I’m a tech-addicted person. What I am referring to is Hearing Aids/Devices. Don’t get me wrong, technology is great. It’s been amazing what these little devices in our ears can do for us who have been diagnosed with hearing loss. I can now use my hearing aids as earpods and listen to music or podcasts without having to switch them out. More recently (and importantly) my hearing aids don’t require batteries that need to be changed every week — they can be recharged.

But technology can also be frustrating. I am limited in my life because I rely so much on this hearing technology. I rely heavily on the fact that my rechargeable hearing aids will work and be charged overnight. And when my charging dock doesn’t function correctly, my whole world comes crashing down.

In those few moments of me troubleshooting and trying to get the reset on the charging dock to work, I am reminded that my world does not work for me, I work for my world. I work to make sure I can have communication with my friends, my family, and society around me. I have to wear these hearing aids — if I don’t I have no way to communicate.

I don’t know sign language fluently. No one in my immediate family does. My son knows a few signs, but he is young and it’s hard to remember mommy can’t hear right now. My husband tries finger spelling and remembering some signs, but we end up just communicating through text. It’s clunky and time consuming. Frustrating.

My friends have not grown up with me knowing to talk louder than comfortable so I can hear them. I cancel hangouts with my friends if I wake up and my hearing aids didn’t charge. I wouldn’t know how I would be able to communicate with them. After I cancel, I often spiral down to depression, anxiety, and shame.

So, as I write this, I am up late feeling some kind of way about my life. Did I make the right decisions as an adult? Should I have gone forward with the idea of surgery to correct my hearing loss? Is it worth wearing hearing aids the rest of my life? Will technology continue to grow and not fail as much? Should I quit wearing hearing aids now and force my world to work with me?

At what point in my life will I ever get to just be a person? I go through my days as a hearing person with my hearing family and friends. I talk, and not use sign language, all day long. At night, I’m reminded of my codependency to my hearing aids as I fall into silence before laying my head on my pillow. It’s too quiet. Even as I continuously feel overstimulated by the sounds of my home during the day, I wait until my eyes are too heavy to lift before taking off my ears.

As I stare at the blinking lights illuminating from my hearing aids in its charging dock, I feel worry.

I cannot stop thinking about how much I need to have saved up in order to get a upgraded pair, let alone attend an appointment to talk about upgrading, if I don’t meet my deductible. My hearing test won’t be covered until — you guessed it — I meet the deductible. It’s like the healthcare system doesn’t want people to be able to hear, but society does. So, I have to wait until the end of the year and hope there are appointments available for me and the hearing aids are ordered/adjusted just in time for the holidays.

Or, I have to hope that as we grow in society to be more accepting and accessible to everyone and maybe when I’m old and (more) gray that I won’t need hearing aids to help me live in my world.

My thoughts keep going back to: My world doesn’t work for me; I work for my world. That revelation hits me hard.

And now, I don’t really know where to go from here.

When I got pregnant with my son, I started having mini mental crises about all the lessons we’d need to teach him as he grew up. My husband and I share the same philosophy on parenting, but I couldn’t shake the overwhelming thought: We have to teach him everything?

If you’re a first-time parent like I was, feeling that same weight of responsibility, I want to share a few guiding principles that have helped us.

“Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds”

This quote from Bohemian Rhapsody (movie) resonated deeply with my husband. It comes from a core maxim of the Zoroastrian faith, and it became the foundation for how we teach our son about compassion.

As we worked to lead by example, my husband made a habit of saying this phrase aloud: “Good thoughts, good words, good deeds.” Whenever we walked through our neighborhood, he’d greet people with a cheerful “Hi, neighbor!” or pick up a fallen trash can. Our son was almost two when we started doing this, and now, at four, he naturally follows suit — waving to neighbors and running to return porch pillows that storms have blown onto the sidewalk.

Gratitude

One of my favorite parts of our bedtime routine is asking about his “favorite part of the day.” Since he started preschool, we’ve broken it into two parts: favorite part at school and favorite part of the day. Sometimes, he shares something exciting, like playing a new game with friends. Other times, it’s as simple as “eating dinner.” I love hearing what he perceives as a great moment — it changes daily, and that’s the beauty of it.

Positive Self-Talk

We use affirmations to encourage positive self-talk. When he first started school, we’d recite them every morning in the car line and again at night before bed:

“I am kind enough. I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am smart enough. I can do hard things. I’m a good kid.”

I also add, “And I love my mommy and daddy very much,” at the end — partly to get a giggle and keep things lighthearted. Before bed, we also talk about something he’s proud of. Some nights, he doesn’t have an answer, but when he does, his excitement is contagious.

Actions and Consequences

The biggest lesson we want to teach our son is that every action has a consequence — good or bad. This one has been tricky as we navigate new challenges, but we try to ensure that consequences match the action. Of course, we’re not perfect. Emotions sometimes get the better of us, and discipline doesn’t always go as planned. When that happens, my husband and I talk afterward to reflect and adjust.

For positive actions, we don’t always offer a physical reward. Sometimes, a big hug or a simple “That was a great job!” is enough (he even asks us to say it sometimes). On rare occasions, we let him choose where to eat or what dessert to get, framing it as: “Since you did so well with ___, we’re letting you decide ___.”

Finding Your Own Approach

I hope these strategies help guide you in shaping the lessons you want to teach your children — and, more importantly, ease some of those first-time parent worries. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just start small, lead by example, and watch them grow.

I’m shifting gears from discussing raising our toddlers to reflecting on my own experiences as a mom and the changes my body has undergone.

If someone had told me that my body would go through tremendous changes for years after having a baby, I might have hesitated before getting pregnant. I’m not saying I regret having a baby or becoming a mother, but if I had known about all the issues that would arise after childbirth, I would have prepared myself a little more.

I’m not just talking about pelvic floor issues; I’m referring to changes in gut health, allergies, and everything in between.

Gut Health:

I’ve been talking with several mom friends who’ve mentioned that their gut health has changed, and most of the time, their doctors won’t even look into it. Often, it’s dismissed as “normal after having a baby,” with advice to cut out certain foods from your diet. Sometimes that’s an easy fix, but other times, there’s something more causing your body trouble. I’ve had friends who are still struggling with their gut health despite undergoing several tests, with doctors unsure of the underlying cause of their reflux or bowel movement problems.

There’s a syndrome called “leaky gut” that’s been discussed in many forums as a potential main driver behind the gut health changes experienced by postpartum parents. It’s often talked about as a “theory” rather than a diagnosis, so don’t expect your primary care provider to readily test for it; more than likely, they’ll brush you off. Essentially, it suggests that at some point, the lining of our intestines could break down, causing gut bacteria to leak into our bloodstream and trigger an inflammatory response.

Often, these gut health issues present as food allergies, with the body exhibiting responses like hives, asthmatic reactions, or sometimes symptoms close to anaphylaxis. It’s not a typical food allergy because the reaction doesn’t occur every time that particular food is consumed, resembling more of an autoimmune inflammatory response like Mast Cell Syndrome.

Weight Gain/Loss:

It depends on the body and the circumstances, but there is a tie-in with postpartum and rapid weight gain or loss.

Lack of sleep:

A study found that women who were sleeping less than five hours a night, six months postpartum were three times more likely to have kept their baby weight and maybe even gained more.

— University of Utah Health

Thyroid Changes:

It’s no secret your hormones can change after pregnancy. If you experience rapid weight gain or loss, it is recommended to get your thyroid checked for any issues.

Stress:

Stress hormones can increase weight gain. Sometimes, stress can cause you to overeat as a way to “cure” your stress, etc. The combination of lack of sleep and increased stress can be a double factor.

Breastfeeding:

This varies depending on the individual. Sometimes, your body can’t retain the calories needed to produce milk and maintain your own body, so it all goes to the milk you’re providing to your baby. This can lead to drastic weight loss, including shedding extra weight gained during pregnancy. This is what happened with me and as soon as I ended our breastfeeding journey I was able to see the weight come back on.

On the other hand, sometimes you may overeat to compensate for the calories you need to produce milk and sustain your own body, resulting in excessive weight gain. Finding a balance can be challenging, and if you find yourself on either extreme, it would be helpful to consult with a doctor or a nutritionist to establish a healthy breastfeeding journey.

Allergies:

Before I got pregnant, I underwent a blood test for allergies to determine what I was allergic to. The results showed a short list of environmental allergens and a few food intolerances.

After giving birth, I noticed that I started experiencing allergy reactions to different foods that had never happened before. After two years of dealing with these flare-ups after eating, I decided to get tested again, and the results were alarming, particularly for seafood, which had been listed as a minor “intolerance” previously. The reaction was so severe that my doctor prescribed an epi-pen and advised me to avoid seafood altogether. I was taken aback; I had always consumed seafood without major issues, but now it triggers complete body flare-ups, forcing me out of commission for a few days afterward. While I haven’t needed to use the epi-pen yet, I know it may be necessary at some point.

I’m not intentionally continuing to eat seafood; these flare-ups often occur due to cross-contamination at restaurants I visit.

I’ve started immunotherapy shots for my environmental allergies, and I’m hopeful that once everything falls into place, I won’t experience such severe reactions anymore.

Mental Health:

To be honest, my mental health wasn’t great to begin with, but I’ve felt like it’s been through the wringer since giving birth. I believe I had many undiagnosed postpartum mental health issues that I tried to push through and struggled with for a long time before finally realizing I needed help. Three years after giving birth, I’ve finally taken the step to see someone.

I experienced a lot of anxiety after having my son, and combined with my difficulty sleeping (likely insomnia) and struggles with emotional regulation, I didn’t anticipate that it would take such a toll on my mental health. I highly recommend seeking support in the early stages of parenthood and periodically throughout each stage of life.

All that scrolling on Instagram or TikTok through various “parenting life coaches” won’t provide the help you need to navigate the challenging seasons. Trust me; I’ve followed numerous accounts, and while they may offer validation and a sense that I’m trying, they haven’t truly helped me through these tough times.

In summary, what you’re feeling is entirely valid and (somewhat) normal. I encourage you to discuss any issues you may have with your doctors and seek guidance on treatment options or ways to navigate the postpartum experience.

Ever since I hit the toddler stage, I’ve been devouring every reading material, listening to various resources, and watching all that I could lay my hands on to make our transition to this stage of life as smooth as possible.

What I didn’t know was that it would only last two years.

I’ve spent numerous hours curating content, books, and attempting to decipher research papers on countless topics, ranging from sleeping habits to eating patterns, and from behavioral insights to understanding consequences. Those two years have flown by so fast and I feel like we just started!

I know the tools I’ve been learning along the way to help teach my toddler to emotionally regulate and learn how to cope with stress, fear, anxiety, etc. doesn’t stop as soon as they turn three. Our toolkit can be carried along with us forever; it just needs some add-ons or perhaps the exchange of one tool for another, depending on life stages.

I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on everything that I’ve learned these past few years from baby to toddler.

I learned more about myself than I had in the past 30 years of life (I’m not counting the 2 years I was a potato/sponge). When I started out on this journey of non-traditional parenting I discovered there was a lot of things I needed to work on myself before I can be the parent that I was striving to be based on my research.

In doing so, I think I reflected on my upbringing a little too much and wasn’t able to make the changes in how I responded to certain triggers. However, I’ve started to shift my mindset and recognize when things affect me and, consequently, my child. My child has also been vocal, letting me know when my anger/frustration is really getting to him!

I’ve completely changed my perspective on what babies and toddlers can do. I began this journey wondering how to entertain my baby, and it evolved into how to entertain my toddler while fostering learning.

I knew I didn’t want a lot of screen time* because I read about the negative impacts it has on babies and toddlers. So, I set out on a whole approach on hands-on learning and sensory play — no matter the mess. Again, I read the books, watched the videos and did my best to make sure that each experience was age appropriate. It was definitely a challenge for me to keep my cool when things got messy and seven times out of ten, I did pretty okay. The other times I cried to myself later thinking I traumatized my child (which I didn’t).

*I want to add that I also knew that screen time was inevitable and added that into our toolkit after he turned two years old. The only thing he watched up until then was Ms. Rachel and Hey Bear. Now he watches a lot of Youtube content that’s only approved content by me and some Disney shows like Bluey and Dino Ranch!

I also didn’t realize how much babies and toddlers retained information and how quickly they were able to regurgitate back to you what you’ve been teaching them. I’m always amazed at how much my child wants to learn. He constantly asks the right questions to find out more information. I love that inquisitive mind and even though it annoys me to no end the endless “Why” and “How” questions I get, I’m so happy to know he’s trying to learn.

Being able to have the words to say how we feel. I’ve always been the one to have a quick temper and never really voiced what I was feeling. I usually hold everything inside until it bubbles over and I’ve burst like an active volcano. It’s not the way I want my child to perceive me or how they should show their emotions.

Learning about emotions and how to cope with what we call “negative” emotions, also known as mad/ anger/ frustration/ and extreme sadness, I’ve learned a lot how to better voice my feelings and emotions as well. With that knowledge, I’ve been able to effectively have my toddler name his emotions and find out what he wants or needs faster.

Being able to say what we need in our emotional distress. This one was a big game changer for us. Once we started working on finding out our needs it became a lot easier for the tantrums to cool off. I stopped trying to fix the issue at hand and reminded him of ways to help calm his heart so he can tell me when he needs. Sometimes I drop down and sit beside him and breathe deeply until he starts mirroring or I’ll simply ask, “Do you need me?”

Nine times out of ten he wants a hug. It seems to be working because now he’ll start asking what I need when I’m feeling frustrated. I just needed to stop and take deep breath.

Being able to show understanding and empathy during their big feelings. I’ve been following some scripts that I learned while listening to Janet Lansbury’s “Unruffled” podcast and it’s really surprising to see the connection that has been made between us. Instead of saying “Oh, I hear you, you’re sad” and leaving it at that I’ve started to expand on it and tell a story. “You’re sad because we didn’t stop to get a donut and you really wanted one! Ugh! That’s not fair!”

This has helped both of us work out his big feelings together and he also feels heard and understood in the moment. I noticed that after a few times of me storytelling his big feelings he’s started to explain more about what he’s feeling and why it made him angry or sad.

Being able to apologize and repair after the rupture. When I first learned of the “repair” concept from Dr. Becky “Good Inside” it really resonated with me as something that I would like to do with my toddler. I know I feel better after an argument with my husband when we both acknowledge what we’ve done to the other to cause a reaction/big emotion out of each other.

When we apologize for OUR actions it shows that we know what we did and own up to it. I started to do the same for my toddler and I feel that cemented the bond we have and created our open communication to talk about our feelings or when we feel hurt by someone else.

With my toddler being in preschool and I’m starting to work more I’m starting to see the growth in us and the distance that is being created organically. Lately, I’ve been constantly trying to keep us on the go and doing activities together that I realized I needed to slow down and take it all in.

We’ve made it through three years already… This stage doesn’t last long.

Take your time, mama.

Respect.

I think this is sort of a “hot-button” issue when it comes to parenting. I wrote a post about “Respect vs Obedience” and that really resonated with a lot of people — not just parents. I wanted to really dive deep into this “respect” business in regards to what your child is needing from YOU.

Not to overlap between posts, but to reiterate…

Respect, by definition, means “due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others”.

So with that definition in mind, let’s talk about why our toddlers deserve respect as much as we expect them to give to us.

Toddlers are human beings, too. I think we tend to forget that as we’re going about our days trying to keep them alive. We forget that they are human beings, just in a small form. They have wants, needs, likes, dislikes, and they have the authority and autonomy to have them. It’s not on us to decide if they should like/dislike or want/not want certain things. It’s on us to help them learn the skills to cope when things aren’t going the way they had hoped or ask for things in a respectful way.

So how do you do that?

Model.

Model.

Model.

I could repeat this endlessly.

If you want your toddler to behave in a certain way. Model that behavior. They are watching you and observing. They are taking in how you behave in different situations and they will put that connection together themselves.

I have learned firsthand how my outbursts in frustration directly impacts how my child has learned how to cope/ manage with his frustrations. I can tell you one thing, it does not make me feel better about myself.

How should we show “respect” to our toddler’s feelings/ demands/ wishes?

Acknowledge their feelings and not trying to solve their problems at the moment.

When your toddler is having a big feeling — the biggest way you can show respect to them is acknowledging that their feelings are being heard.

Scenario 1: They’re upset because they want a toy and someone isn’t sharing.

You get to their level and reassuringly chat with them about wanting the toy that’s not ready to leave their friend’s hands. They might cry harder, that’s okay. Let them know you are there for them. When things calm down, maybe suggest a different toy while they wait for their turn.

Your focus should remain on your child rather than on the toy or the other child playing with it. To show that you are putting down your phone, sitting down at their level, and talking to them shows respect.

Knowing when to loosen the reigns of your control as a parent.

Scenario 2: The endless question for snacks before meal.

I know I get hungry right before dinner and sometimes take a nibble of something just to hold me over until it’s ready to be eaten. Why aren’t we holding the same standards for out kids? Why do we turn them away and essentially ignore what their bodies are telling them?

Toddler: “I want a snack.”

You: “Oh, you’re getting hungry! Dinner will be ready soon. Why don’t you eat (approved light snack) right now while it’s finishing up.”

I don’t know if I’ve ever said those words. But, I do suggest light snacks OR adding his additional snacks to our dinner menu and let him choose what can go on the table to eat with dinner. Usually that snack doesn’t get eaten and he’s had enough dinner to satisfy that hunger tell.

When we’re listening to their bodies alongside them it not only shows respect, but also teaches them how they should respond to their body cues.

Being able to listen to your toddler’s feelings on control.

Scenario 3: Respect their “no’s”

I’m pretty sure I’m going to stir up some controversy over this one, but before you click off this page, please hear me out.

I’m not saying if they say “No,” you have to just let them have their “no” every time. Because that’s just silly — especially if they’re saying no to holding your hand so they don’t run into traffic.

Respecting their “no’s” means acknowledging that they are not accepting the situation or the question put in front of them. That’s okay to say no. They have that right.

No’s we can honor to show respect:

• No to hugs/ kisses/ smiles, etc. even (especially) if it’s for a family member
• No to tickles from you or anyone
• No to eating something new because you want them to
• No to wearing a shirt (or anything) you picked out for them
• No to playing/ socializing with other kids they don’t know because you want them to
• No to sharing to an extent— taking turns means you have to respect their no when they aren’t done playing with something just yet BUT you might need to help them finish their turn so they can allow someone else to take theirs

Do you see a common thread? A lot of the times our toddlers are being “defiant” because we’re making choices for them and not respecting that they might have a say or some input on what they want or what their bodies can handle.

In this scenario it’s all about respecting their autonomy. They know what they can handle (more than you!). It’s hard to accept that, even I have a hard time, but we should remember that starting around 2, toddlers are gaining a sense of “self” and being more aware of their bodies and what it’s telling them.

There’s generally a reason behind the “no” and if you just give it time and space to actually ask why they don’t want to do something, then you might be able to find a compromise. If they can’t express their desires, a bit of investigation on your part may help you understand their needs.

Maybe a no to hand holding at the parking lot of a playground might be: “I don’t want to hold your hand, I want to go to the playground! Holding your hand will slow me down!”

Maybe a no to sitting down with friends to play might be: “There’s too much noise happening and I’m not comfortable playing right now, I would feel better sitting with you.”

Maybe a no to taking a nap during a family gathering might be: “I feel tired, but I’m afraid of missing out on what is happening.”

We’re so busy on what things look like to others than what our child might be going through on the inside. Sometimes we take it personally when we hear a “no”. I try not to take it personal whenever I receive any pushback. I use that moment to assess the situation and see what is driving that choice. I find when I do that I’m able to reach a compromise faster and less tantrums or dragging on the feet occurs.

Let’s all take a deep breath together.

Try to remember to give some respect to your toddlers and they might just give it right back to you.

My Toddler Needs: Respect. was originally published in My Toddler Needs:____ on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Case in point:

I was a very flustered mom (was… I still am some days). I used to say things like “What did I just say?!?” or “HEY! Listen to me!”. It’s not my proudest moments. One of those things you say in the heat of the moment when you’re overstimulated and overwhelmed.

Now… my almost three year old is saying it back to me. “Hey! What did I just say? I said DO NOT TOUCH MY CARS!”

Whew.

It took a lot out of me to not yell back at him. I KNOW in my heart that I did this. I was the one who said it. Now he’s mirroring back what he knows. And now, he’s saying it to other kids and other adults.

I’m at a loss of how to fix it. Once I heard him saying it to me — I stopped saying it myself. I’m hoping the lack of exposure to it will help him stop saying it as well. I’m working on changing my tone, rephrasing that sentence. Hearing it being said to me didn’t make feel good, at all. I honestly wish I had someone there to stop me, but we’re all humans and we all make mistakes. Now it’s time to step back, reassess, and work on the fixes.

Step 1:

Repair. I know you hear me say this a lot because I absolutely LOVE this concept that I learned from Dr. Becky (Good Inside Podcast). Repair is such a wonderful tool to use because it’s not just for kids. It’s for any kind of relationship you have in your life. You can use repair tactic with a coworker, a friend, a spouse, and even your parents!

Set up a repair with your toddler. “I’m sorry that mommy has said these words to you in the past. I don’t like how I feel after you say this to me and now I understand how you felt. I will stop saying this to you.”

Leave it open for your child to want to say they’ll stop, or that they’re sorry as well. You never want to force an apology during a repair. You are only apologizing for your behavior not how someone else reacted.

Step 2:

Find alternative ways to say what you want to say. So what does that mean?

When I said “What did I just say?!” I was really saying it out of frustration and I didn’t want to repeat myself for the thousandth time. I did it because I want him to stop what he’s doing to listen to me. That feels awful to write, but in reality — isn’t that why we’re yelling? We want to be heard.

So, I’m working on trying to figure out a better way to say that. And I’ve started saying, “I don’t think you’ve got your listening ears on right now! Let me wait.”

I struggle on sticking to that language because it’s not what I’m used to saying or hearing from others. But I’m hoping the more I try to use it, the more comfortable it will become for me and I won’t have to force it out.

Step 3:

Model what you want them to say. When it comes to sounding/being respectful with how we ask for things or when we’re talking to another person, that is a learned trait. A toddler will say what they know and what they know is what they’re exposed to. For some, a toddler is only exposed to their caregiver.

When you’re talking with your partner/spouse or with a friend pay special attention to how you interact. Is it how you want your toddler to interact with their peers? How would you feel if you were spoken to in that way? This practice could even help you with way you communicate with other adults!

Step 4:

Don’t overreact. Maybe this should’ve been the first step.

But really…

They said a swear word? Don’t overreact.

They say “I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING!” Don’t overreact.

Any outwardly explosive reaction to what they do will only lead to escalation of the issue and never a resolution. Take this from my personal experience. Any attention is good attention in their eyes. If saying something you don’t like causes them to get attention… guess what??? They’ll continue to say it. They might even say it LOUDER next time.

Instead I talk in a low calm voice, “Oh that’s not how I’d like to be talked to. Let’s try, (insert phrase here) and see if that sounds better.”

Give them the correct words to say instead of punishing them for using the words THEY KNOW.

I hope this was helpful for your ever-growing toddlers. I know it was a bit cathartic for me to write. I’ve been struggling with an almost 3 going on 13 year old lately with the amount of pushback and back talk I’ve been getting. But I try to remember that his behavior pretty much has been learned behavior (or him not being able to control his emotions) and if I want him to be better — I have to do better as well.

So here’s me figuring out and learning to talk the talk.

I know I have written a Potty Training blog before, but that was really about my experience and not really a “how to” guide on potty training.

A few of my friends are just now starting their potty training journey with their toddlers and I’m going to make a post of resources for them to check in with.

First, I want to point out an Instagram account I found very useful: https://www.instagram.com/pottytrainingconsultant/?hl=en

Okay let’s begin.

Let’s start at the very beginning…

How do we know toddlers are ready to start potty training?

A big TELL: they indicate when they already went pee or poop in their diaper or they’re about to/going pee or poop.

A small TELL: they are interested in what you’re doing while in the bathroom.

What to do when they are curious about the potty?

Talk about it! Read books and watch little short educational videos about going potty. Take them with you when you go potty and then maybe have a little one set up for them to sit on or use while you go. Play with their toys and pretend they need to go pee and use the toilet!

Start changing their diapers in the bathroom standing up! Also would be a good time to let them sit on a potty while you’re getting a new diaper set up. They might to pee again (or end up going poop) and if they do… “HOORAY YOU DID IT ON THE POTTY!”

I also started naturally setting my toddler on the potty in the mornings when I changed his diaper and right before bath time. It was a good way to contain him when I needed to get a clean diaper or set that bath water up. Sometimes he would go and sometimes he wouldn’t. I never told him to go potty either, I just said “let’s try sitting on the potty.”

It’s never a “forced” event. Let it come naturally. If they feel like this has suddenly become a NEED TO DO type of activity — they’re out.

What happens when they become disinterested?

This happens often! My tip is: let them. Go back to it when they’re interested in toilets again. Of course, the first day will be exciting and it’ll be fun to sit on and go pee! Then when it because a task, a must-do, the stress that comes along with it will make them say, no, thanks. Let them become disinterested in the physical potty. Continue to read books. Continue to talk about. Continue to model what you do on the toilet. Pretend play with their toys. They’ll come back.

There’s so many resources, I don’t know what to do! How do I begin?

Take a deep breath. It’s not a sprint to the finish line. It’s a marathon. Take it day by day and don’t sweat the “accidents”. Lift up the “successes”.

Break down the methods please?!

There’s all kinds of potty training methods out there. There’s the naked method. The Oh Crap! method. Straight to underwear method… and if you wanted to start earlier there’s even Elimination Communication method that parents start with their children as infants.

Whatever you choose… don’t take it as the golden rule. Bend with your toddler. Use it as a guide and build off it with how your toddler is. Sometimes… they don’t want to be naked! Sometimes… they don’t like underwear! You never know until you start.

With each method I’m listing below it’s important to stress that you use gentle reminders about going potty and where pee and poop goes.

“Oh looks like you’re peeing! Remember pee goes in the potty not on the floor.”

This shouldn’t be a battle between you and your toddler. If there’s ever any strong emotions like screaming, crying, kicking, to go on the potty… maybe it’s not the best time to start OR you’re not doing the right method for them.

It’s also important to note that it’s okay to stop and try again a few weeks later.

Brief list of potty training methods and my opinions on them based on what we did:

• A Clockwork approach: set a timer and have them go on the potty whenever the timer goes off! I couldn’t find a specific resource on this one one. Lots of anecdotes. What most suggest is doing every 30 minutes and then expanding the time each day until you reach optimal time where they will start to know their own pee cues without needing a timer to tell them to go. Eventually you will phase the timer out and by then they should be telling you when they need to go every time.

My personal opinion: The only issue I had with this one was that he wasn’t really knowing that he needed to go and wasn’t feeling a full bladder and just emptying whatever he had at the time. When I stretched out the times to 1.5–2 hours it actually made him feel the fullness to where he’d empty the whole bladder and had some accidents in between. In the beginning, he used to go on the potty and let out a tiny trickle, be so excited he did it, and then get up only to have a full pee accident 5 minutes later. I only did this method the first two days.

• Clean underwear method: Ditch the diapers. Let them pick out their underwear to keep clean for the day! Gentle reminders to go potty to “keep the underwear dry/clean”. Load them up on liquids and they should have a regular pee schedule (generally 30–45 minutes after they drink their water). This method sets you up for many many dirty underwears in the beginning so be prepared to have lots of laundry. It’s suggested to buy training underwear (the ones with padding in it) for the first few days. This doesn’t hold the pee in like a pull-up would but at least takes in a little so the accident isn’t as messy.

My personal opinion: We did this while doing the clockwork approach. This method faired a lot better than the timers. We did have lots of pee accidents and poop incidents, but it didn’t last very long. He was quick to let us know he has to go potty so he didn’t have to change his underwear. We did wear the padded underwear for a while until he stopped having accidents. It wasn’t a great absorbent tool if you’re looking for that, but it did help “pad” the amount of pee that would fall on the floor/bed/couch.

• 3-Day method: It’s also known as “the long weekend” method because that’s usually when people try to do it while they’re off work. Some people do this in the summer too so they can have their kids play outside and not get the house dirty!! This is where they’re naked for three days and you have them watch them like a hawk for pee and poop cues throughout the day. Load them up on fluids and then have them go on the potty whenever they pee outside of the potty. Having them naked lets them physically SEE what happens when they release to pee or when poop comes out of their butt! For more help on how to do this method click here: https://www.thebump.com/a/3-day-potty-training

My personal opinion: Do this only if your child is comfortable with nakedness. Mine was not and we would only do one bottomless day. I’d have to say it did get him to stop his pees and recognize the poop cues a lot faster than I expected!! We didn’t get fully potty trained in three days but I only did the naked method for an afternoon because my toddler was not about the bottomless lifestyle.

• Oh Crap Potty Training Method: Oh Crap! is a book that lots of people referenced when I was starting my potty training journey. I never read it, but the key points were what I’ve been saying. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Take it day by day!

About the book:

Worried about potty training? Let Jamie Glowacki, potty-training expert, show you how it’s done. Her six-step, proven process to get your toddler out of diapers and onto the toilet has already worked for tens of thousands of kids and their parents.

Here’s the good news: your child is probably ready to be potty trained EARLIER than you think (ideally, between 20–30 months), and it can be done FASTER than you expect (most kids get the basics in a few days — but Jamie’s got you covered even if it takes a little longer). If you’ve ever said to yourself:

-How do I know if my kid is ready?
-Why won’t my child poop in the potty?
-How do I avoid “potty power struggles”?
-How can I get their daycare provider on board?
-My kid was doing so well — why is he regressing?
-And what about nighttime?!

Oh Crap! Potty Training can solve all of these (and other) common issues. This isn’t theory, you’re not bribing with candy, and there are no gimmicks. This is real-world, from-the-trenches potty training information — all the questions and all the answers you need to do it once and be done with diapers for good.

I don’t have a personal opinion on this, but from what I’ve noticed I think I did something very similar to this approach!

• Eye on the Prize: Prizes!! Who doesn’t love winning prizes? Start a sticker chart for successes and watch your toddler run to the potty so they can get their prize! They don’t have to be expensive prizes. You can get little knick knacks or fidget toys from the dollar store. Slowly spread out the amount of times they get their prizes so they’re not just doing it for a new toy every time they’re on the potty! A key point is to give lots of PRAISE as well as a PRIZE. When you phase out the prizes keep the praise going!

My personal opinion: I didn’t do this. But only because my toddler was 2 and he didn’t understand the concept of a prize or a sticker chart when we started. Now if I started potty training at this age he’s at, I would definitely do a sticker chart and grand prize! I think it’s fun to work towards a common goal and to have it being a positive experience of showing off their successes!

• Medley: Take what you want from each method and put it in a way that supports you and your toddler!

My personal opinion: I think this is the best method. There’s never a one size fits all method when it comes to doing ANYTHING with your toddler. Take what you find works with your toddler and do it! You don’t need to stick to one method and keep forcing it to work.

Okay I’ve picked a method I want to do! What do I do now?

Remember to PRAISE and be super excited whenever they use the potty. This is a positive experience and it should be FUN for them. Never shame them for accidents. Don’t even make it a big deal.

Be prepared for lots of cleaning.

Accidents WILL happen. Have lots of towels, pee pads, sheets, set up wherever you’ll be. I bought reusable pee pads to have on the couch and beds. I was basically doing a load of laundry a day due to the accidents that happened.

I used a rubber play mat on my living room carpet and just only allowed him to play in that spot for the time being.

It was hard to keep him contained but it worked out for us as I was able to keep the potty on the mat too and we were able to just plop him on as soon as he started releasing pee or poop.

Lots of paper (and regular) towels and a few missed cues later, we were able to have a successful pee stop and finish on the potty after three days!

Have lots of liquids available… and prepare for lots of pee.

No matter the method you choose you want them to feel that full bladder. Have them hydrate a ton. Watch for pee cues! It’s usually when they’re dancing or holding their legs together that they really need to go.

Have lots of underwear ready.

If you choose to go straight to underwear, have lots ready to change. I bought about 12 pairs of underwear because that’s about how much I’d go through in cloth diapers for two days. I also used our wet bag to hold all the pee soaked clothes until I had time to rinse them and wash them later.

I also decided to forgo pants during this time. It was really a pain to have to change his pants AND his underwear each time there was an accident. So instead we just went underwear only and he was fine with that. Since we potty trained in the middle of winter I turned up the heat in the house so he wouldn’t get too cold.

Give yourself at least a week before going out to places or be prepared for accidents when you are in a new space. If you do need to leave the house, make sure to have them go potty before you leave and when you arrive so they know that they’re still needing to use a potty instead of wearing a diaper. I would avoid putting on diapers or pull-ups or use terms like “special car underwear” to avoid confusion and support the using of the potty when they need to go. When you are out, use gentle reminders to let them know to tell you when you need to pee.

Have a portable potty (or two) when you are traveling or out in public. I had a car one (any one that you can put a bag in to catch the pees and poop) and a foldable potty cover I could place on the public toilets. I had a tiny backpack that my toddler could wear and I would slip the potty cover in the bag so we always had it on us whenever we were out. It was SO handy.

Link for potty cover: https://joolbaby.com/products/travel-potty-seat

Bring with you lots of changes of clothes. Again, if you’re going out and about remember they need more potty breaks than you do in the beginning. Also, it’s a good idea to bring at least three pairs of extra clothes in case of accidents. If you need it… have pull-ups as a back up/last resort. I would really use those sparingly as it does add to the confusion where pee and poop goes.

Remember it’s not a sprint! So take it day by day. Always lift up the successes and never shame the accidents! Accidents happen and that’s perfectly okay.

I hope this was a valuable resource for you! Please let me know if I am missing anything and I’ll try to edit and update accordingly.

When I thought about what I’d be writing this week, this song kept creeping into my head…

I’ve been thinking non-stop about holiday traditions since Thanksgiving. It’s been a real struggle this year as my family (external) continues to grow up and begin to really set in stone the traditions they want to have in their nuclear families.

Maybe I am a traditionalist at heart. There have always been things we’ve done since I was a kid and I really wanted to continue that tradition when I had my own kid. But, I soon realized, there’s a whole other tradition I’d have to work with coming from my spouse’s side of the family.

I never had a dad side of the family to celebrate holidays with. They were on the other side of the globe (literally). All we had was my mom’s side of the family and that’s all we ever did. For my mom, it was the same for her (only dad’s side of the family), so I guess that kind of felt like it was always supposed to be that way.

We had a rotated schedule of who did what holiday. Since my mom was 1 of 3 it was easy to rotate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. We always had to meet for “dinner” at noon and didn’t eat until 2:30pm. That’s just the way things have been done for a long time. But when the kids (me and my cousins) got older we’ve moved apart and our big family holidays trickled down to just my parents and grandmother.

Recently, we tried to blend families between mine and my spouse’s. It’s been a non-stop battle of the wills when it comes to traditions and who gets to keep/do what. So far, for the past 3 years, it hasn’t been perfected yet. And… I have another set of grandparents et al. that we have to account for and should include on holidays.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to make sure we’re all happy and doing the traditions we want and I slowly realized I’m not thinking about myself and what I want.

I’m a people pleaser, and I know I’ve written about it before. I want everyone to be happy and sometimes I lose myself in that process. Now, as we’re approaching holidays and everyone is demanding different things to be done, I’ve started to put my foot down on what I would like to do.

It’s been a hard road. I want everyone to be happy. But I also want my mental health to be healthier.

So, I’m establishing my traditions. I’m putting down roots on what our family will be doing for the holidays and it feels pretty exciting. If we’re home we have little fun activities I’ve planned out for the days leading up to the holiday. If we decide to travel, we will spend our holiday sightseeing and learning about different cultures, trying new foods, etc. We’ll still visit family on the day of. We’ll do whatever traditions that have been passed down within our families.

Writing this out almost feels like I have a weight lifted from my shoulders. I know that holidays are meant to spent with your both your external and nuclear families. While I feel that it is important for us to be with our family during the holidays, I also know it is not ideal to be so stressed out over making sure everyone in your family is happy.

I get that somehow it’s become a “tradition” to lose your ever-loving mind around the holidays for the sake of family and tradition. I chuckle every time I watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or watch any other holiday movie where everyone is spread so thin they have a mental breakdown in front of their whole family.

I ask myself, is that really what celebrating the holidays should feel like?

NO. Take back your holiday. Let it be stress free. Visit family on your terms. Or don’t. Do whatever you want to do.

This is your family and your tradition, too.

What traditions have you started that’s different from your childhood? Do you have difficulties deciding how to handle the holidays with your relatives? Have you figured out the best strategy to combine it all?

Tell me in the comments below!

I think we all struggle on our own parenting journey to not need to worry about others. But, here we are… worrying.

There comes a point in time during your baby’s life where you’ll come across other family members or friends that parent their children a little differently than you are. That is perfectly fine and I always say “to each their own” unless it becomes a safety issue, then I share my concerns.

How does one manage and continue their parenting practice with their own children while around other children who aren’t living by the same rules?

It’s hard. There’s definitely moments where you want to say something to the parents, but choose not to because of kids being present. Other times it doesn’t have to be that hard and a simple grown up conversation outside of earshot or even through a group text can help get the point across.

Nowadays, it’s a real struggle to “parent other children”. Back in my day, my friend’s parents were my substitute parents. If I got into trouble while at my friend’s house, I was also punished. That doesn’t really happen now.

A lot of parents are worried they will “cross the line” by stepping in with their friends or family member and err on the side of not saying anything to keep the peace.

But, when it comes to rules and boundaries you place for your children it’s important to keep that enforced — even when other kids don’t follow them.

“In our family we…” is a great sentence to start off with reinforcing a boundary within the family unit. You’re not placing blame on anyone. It’s not a forced rule for the child, it’s a family rule. Everyone in this immediate family follows this rule/boundary.

Sure, it can be hard when you have a young toddler crying because they can’t do the same thing they see someone else doing. But to let them cross a boundary — despite you not wanting it to happen — can create a spiral staircase of problems later on. For example, if they see a friend jumping off the couch, and that’s not allowed at home, do not let them jump off the couch.

If you keep allowing and not allowing certain things to happen depending on situations, your toddler will then question whether or not this “boundary thing” holds truth. If there is no clear set boundary it’ll become a problem for you.

What happens when a kid is setting a “bad example” and your child is following along?

That’s the part I’m struggling with most days. We have certain boundaries we set in place with our toddler. Some are for himself to put in place with friends and some are for his safety. You’ve seen me mention them several times across all boundary posts.

One of the boundaries he can set for himself is that he can say “no” if he doesn’t want to share or do something with someone else. Another is that he needs to use nice words, ask to have a turn, or politely ask for help when he needs it. It’s hard to reinforce those behaviors around other kids, especially when they’re the same age and working on the same skills.

I’ve noticed that no matter how much you establish a “boundary” or a “rule” with your child, once they’re around other kids it goes out the window. Unless your child is a go-getter type personality, then they might be doing just fine. If your child is like mine, they’ll follow the more stronger personality figure and that can lead to a safety issue real quick (Like… running in a parking lot while holding their friend’s hand).

We do our best to talk with our child outside of play dates to make sure he understands to tell someone when he doesn’t like something and we model the behaviors ourselves. We remind him to use phrases like “no, thank you” if he doesn’t want something to happen to him/directed at him or “I’m not done yet” when it comes to sharing a toy he’s playing with.

In the past, he got some pushback from friends that have a hard time hearing the word “no”. That’s when I saw the freeze/fawn response kick in and he handed over something that he wasn’t done with. Now, he stands his ground a little more and says “No! I’m NOT done!”

Admittedly, we have to work on his delivery of how he talks. A lot of the times, it can be a little too aggressive and can cause the other child some great distress. It’s still a work in progress, and I am so proud of how far he’s learned to cope with peer pressure without fawning.

I think I’ve strayed off topic. Normally I do some action points on my posts but today, I decided to just write.

The point I’ve been trying to make is: I can relate to most parents who struggle with reinforcing boundaries around other kids and parents.

But it can be done.

You will get pushback from either your child or their friend. You might even have a difficult conversation with your own friend or family member. Hopefully it can be handled with open minds on both sides and together you can work to foster healthy relationships and friendships between your children.

Connection.

I’ve come across this a lot when talking with my friends with toddlers. The main question is, “Why are they suddenly so clingy?”

Remember my post on Independence? Studies show that even though toddlers are seeking their independence, they’re also fearing their separation from you. So while they’re actively working on feeding themselves, taking their own shoes off and getting their own snacks, they are realizing their independence creates distance from you.

Enter: clingy-toddler days.

We’re also experiencing moments where my toddler “won’t” or “can’t” do a task that they are physically able to complete. During these moments, he will declare that he “needs a grown up” to do these tasks and he “isn’t a bigger yet”. Which makes me understand that my toddler does realize how much independence he’s been seeking out and trying to take some of that back.

If you’re like me and have a toddler that’s getting way too big and constantly asking to be held, here’s some ways to effectively make sure you and your toddler are staying connected both physically and emotionally.

Allow time for hugs/ physical connection throughout the day.

Most of the time I give my toddler a moment when he asks me for a hug, I drop down to his level, I give him a hug, and I don’t let go until he does. I make sure it’s not during a chaotic time (like cooking). When I do this sometimes we’re in a hug for 30 seconds and sometimes it’s a couple minutes.

Sometimes, during this hug, this is when he starts to tell me what he’s feeling or what he needs from me. I try to acknowledge and validate what he has to tell me and if it’s appropriate, I will fulfill his needs.

Showing positive attention.

The most simplest way of doing this is just getting down at their level. You might do this when they’re doing something like playing with their toys on the floor and you see them doing something that’s very creative/innovative/interesting.

Just getting down at their level giving them a slight rub on their back or just locking eyes and smiling, it creates that connection and sometimes validation that what they are doing is “ok”.

Family meals

I know sometimes our schedules don’t line up where you can do regular family meals every day. But having a sort of a routine where the family gathers around the table and eat together can help establish that bond your toddler is craving. Talk with each other, include the toddler in your discussion. Ask about their day or your partner’s day and see how your toddler responds to that.

My toddler got used to us asking each other about our days that if we forget he’ll be the first to ask, “Daddy, how was work today?”

Reading Time

Nothing brings you and your toddler closer than reading time. This moment is a great way to have that connection you need and also a good way to include discussions on certain behaviors that need to be worked on by way of the story instead of having a lecture about it.

We buy funny books to read, but I also get the concept books about feelings, school, scary things, etc. We try to do a mix of both each night so that it’s feeling like a lesson night. A great book to read is one that’s funny/silly AND concept-based.

Play together.

For most parents the mere thought of playing with your child one more time can be a bit daunting. But, hear me out. When your child is seeking connection what is the best way to do it? Play.

If you don’t want to be stuck playing the same scenario over and over for an hour, set up a time. Say “It’s parent/child special time to play together. Let’s set the timer.” Set time for however long you can tolerate play. And remember, it’s “parent/child special time” so put away any distractions, turn on the do not disturb, and devote that 20 minutes of time to connect with your toddler.

Let them tell you how to play, what to say, etc. This is their time to connect with you. Give them your full attention. Also, don’t be surprised, but this is probably a great way to find out what is going on in their minds.

“I won’t be gone for long.”

We’ve said this to our toddler a million times when we have to step away do something. But what I’ve noticed that is I’ve never given my toddler a concrete time to look forward to.

Even though he doesn’t understand the concept of 12 o’clock, if I tell him that I will see him at 12 o’clock he hangs on to that.

I’ve been trying to reword my phrasing when I leave him with my husband to run an errand or if I have to step away in the house to grab something. I try to make sure I give him a concrete “time” that I’ll be gone for.

Try practicing this when you’re just in your home, stepping away to use the bathroom or to run upstairs for something. “I’m going upstairs to grab your socks, I’ll be down in two minutes.”

Another good time indicator is “nap time” or “bedtime”. I’ll be back before “nap time” can help them understand that:

1. You’ll be home to help them go to sleep.
2. You gave them a concrete time to look forward to.
3. You won’t be gone for long.

Separation anxiety is a hard phase to get through. Remember to check in with your toddler, and feel out their emotions regarding you leaving. Reinforce the idea that you’ll always come back.

Remember your toddler still needs you despite their constant pushback and saying, “I can do it!”. Growing up and becoming independent is scary. The realization that they don’t need you anymore can be almost like an existential crisis.

The “Who am I?” question comes up regularly in our lives and I feel like the first time we’ve asked ourselves that isn’t when we’re going through teenage years — it’s when we’re toddlers.

So the takeaway from all of this is… allow time for connection. You might not see it now, but looking back you’ll realize that you needed that connection, too.

Resources:

https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/connecting-communicating/connecting/connecting-with-your-toddler#:~:text=Warm%20and%20responsive%20relationships%20with,together%2C%20and%20giving%20positive%20attention.

https://mindfulmamamentor.com/raising-good-humans-everyday/

My Toddler Needs: Connection. was originally published in My Toddler Needs:____ on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.