Tito was like every other ten-year-old boy. He was at the age when he felt “big” enough to make his own decisions.

In school, he belonged to a gang that terrorised other students. They took pens and books without returning them. They shoved other students, said mean things to them, and often exchanged words with their teachers.

They were bullies.

One day at assembly, a woman came to speak to the students. She talked about using their formative years to build good character. Something in what she said touched Tito. He realised he could not continue living the way he had been living.

So he decided to turn over a new leaf.

That day, he didn’t take anyone’s pen. He didn’t tease anyone. He even tried to be nicer to the other students.

You would think it would be that easy. But his friends came along and tried to involve him in another prank. Tito realised that breaking away from them would not be simple. And, truthfully, he enjoyed being a terror.

Still, the more he thought about what the woman had said, the more he desired to become a good boy. So he decided to avoid his friends.

During break, he stayed in the classroom instead of going to the playground. After school, he took another route so he wouldn’t have to walk with them.

It worked for a few days.

Then one afternoon, they caught up with him and confronted him about becoming distant. Tito denied it. He told them he had been busy with schoolwork.

“Fair enough,” they said.

That day, he joined them again. They found a grasshopper and tricked two girls into thinking it was a gift. The girls screamed when they opened their hands, and the boys burst into laughter.

But this time, Tito couldn’t laugh. Something had changed. He told his friends he was no longer interested in their antics. They laughed. Then they reminded him of everything he had done with them.

They reminded him about the pens and books he had taken.

They reminded him about the students he had bullied.

They told him that if he tried to leave, they would report everything to the class teacher.

Tito felt trapped.

Every day they came for him, and every day he gave in. He wanted to stop, but couldn’t. The more he joined them, the more he hated what he was becoming. The more he desired freedom, the more he realised that simply trying to be good was not enough.

So one morning, Tito did something he had never done before. He went to his class teacher and told her everything. He confessed what he had done. He expected punishment.

But to his surprise, his teacher did not scold him. She commended him for his courage and showed him how to make things right.

Tito apologised to his classmates.

Then his friends came. They had heard that Tito had turned himself in, and they wanted to see if he really meant it.

Tito looked at them and said, “I am no longer part of your gang. I will not do these things anymore.”

He walked away. They came the next day. He refused. They came the day after. He refused again. They kept coming, but Tito had made his decision. After some time, they grew tired of calling him.

And they stopped.

Tito was free.

He was saved.

But was Tito saved because he decided to become a good boy?

No.

That is where we need to understand what salvation really means.

Tito’s problem was not simply that he had done bad things. His problem was that he was under the influence of something stronger than his desire to change. He could decide in his mind, “I will never do this again,” and yet find himself doing the same things when his friends came.

This is a little like what happens to us with sin. We often think salvation means deciding to stop doing bad things. So we say:

“ I will stop lying.”
“I will stop being angry.”
“I will stop lusting.”
“I will stop cheating.”
“I will become a better person.”

For a while, we may even succeed. But then something happens, and we find ourselves returning to the very things we promised never to do again.

Why?

Because the problem is deeper than our actions.

There is something in man that needs to be saved. This is what the Bible calls the soul.

Salvation, therefore, is not merely God forgiving us for the wrong things we have done. It is also God’s work of delivering the soul from the dominion of sin and bringing us into His own life.

At the new birth, our spirits are made new. But in our souls, we still do the things we have always done. There is a nature within us that was not removed when we confessed Jesus as Lord.

So we try consecration. We set guardrails and put systems in place to stop us from doing certain things. But the nature that has been passed down from generation to generation cannot be removed by consecration. It can be limited, but the stain remains. Consecration cannot deal with temptation completely, because as long as Satan still has his things in us, he can always entice us. This is why we must not stop at consecration, but go on to salvation.

Ultimately, salvation is the point where Satan comes and can no longer tempt us, because we no longer have any of his things in us. Jesus said, “The prince of this world cometh, and hath nothing in me” (John 14:30).

Does Satan still find you speaking evil, keeping malice, reviling back? These natures are all linked to one thing within us — the law of sin and death. From it emanates all manner of vices. But when we come to Jesus and submit to His work of saving our souls, that wrong program inside us is written off.

Satan will come and be surprised to find that what he planted there has been removed. He will try for some time, but we will be unresponsive, because he has nothing left in us to draw us or tempt us with.

Just as Tito needed someone greater than himself to help him walk away from the gang, we need the Lord Jesus Christ to deliver us from the dominion of sin.

To be saved is to be stripped from every tendency to sin. We know this did not happen at the new birth. We know our consecration cannot give us this freedom. What can? Obedience to the testimony of Jesus Christ. This testimony is the record of the life He lived on earth which we ought to replicate. As we hear the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ and obey His commandments, we replicate His life.

Being saved is more than saying, “I am a Christian.” It is more than going to church. It is more than trying to be a good person.

It is the beginning of a journey in which God works in us until the things that once ruled us no longer have the same power over us.

That is the salvation of the soul.

And perhaps the greatest wonder is this:

Jesus does not merely stand at a distance and tell us to change. He comes to do the work in us.

Some of them were commendable.

Your ability as a mother not to allow your child any screen time in their formative years.

Some of them hilarious.

Your ability as a mother to train your nine-month-old to feed themself Amala (cooked yam flour).

Some of them just straight-up ridiculous and outrageous.

Your ability to lactate well. Yes, some women see this as a trophy. Producing breastmilk abundantly. It’s not bad though.

This got me thinking. And I sort of did a mental audit of some things I considered as my trophies.

For instance, I occasionally survey the lives of some of my classmates and course mates on social media, especially the ones I didn’t like, the ones I felt were mean to me, or the ones I was jealous of. And judging by my moral compass, it seemed they lived reckless lives, masking their instability.

Then I looked at my life: growing in the word of righteousness, good job, married at 26. Life was a breeze for me.

There it was.

My trophy!

All those years I was considered average; the way I looked, the way I dressed, how I didn’t measure up to the standard. But look at me now. My life was a medal of honour.

Of course, I felt compassion for them.

I never knew I had considered this a trophy. For me, it was a win, an edge, a differentiating factor. I never saw it as something I had glorified.

Yes, our glories are our trophies, our crowns, our medals of honour.

Now, the question we have to ask is, “What are our trophies?”

What are those little things we secretly glory in? Those wins that elevate us in our minds, distinguish us from others, and make us feel like we have somehow made it?

In school, it was the achievement of graduating with a 2:1 after trying desperately to be a bad girl along with some of my friends. I failed at that, but they succeeded. Eventually, I stopped trying and decided to be serious with schoolwork.

I graduated with a 2:1, became serious with God, and landed a job immediately after my NYSC. Of course, there was suffering along the way.

As a wife? My ability to manage my home while working full-time. One of my major trophies was being able to cook breakfast and lunch for my husband every day to take to work. But it didn’t take long before burnout took its toll on me. However, being recognized by his colleagues as the good wife who cooked for her husband everyday while working an 8–5 everyday made my head go over the moon.

Am I grateful for God’s providence? Yes.

Am I grateful for His grace at work in me? You bet.

But are there times I may have unknowingly waved it as a trophy in people’s faces? Definitely!

The notable thing about a trophy, a crown, or a medal is that it is carried or worn to be displayed as an achievement. Let’s not even talk about the things it can do inwardly: pomp, pride, haughtiness.

Having that conversation today made me reflect on what I should truly esteem as my trophy, my crown, or my medal. It made me settle on a song by Hillsong Worship, Crowns by Benjamin William Hastings.

The only trophy worth having as a believer is the nature I acquire daily.

Am I becoming more like Christ daily?

Can people see and experience Him in and through me, that they may strive to know Him and experience this change too?

My enemy is broke meant that she didn’t have the money but refused to allow it be her reality. This dilemma was instead passed to an enemy that she couldn’t put a face to but existed in the recess of her mind.

In Nigeria, they say words are very powerful. A pregnant woman speaks to her child in the womb. A man with butterflies in his stomach machinates words in his mind so he can spin a woman.

All these words have an ultimate intention. To be…

The pregnant woman speaks in hope that her child will ‘be’ all that she has expressed in her words.

The man in love desires that his words will cause him to ‘be’ accepted by the woman he intends to spin

It’s so fascinating that the very words we speak have the power to transform people. To make them be or become…

Perhaps, this is the sum of all we are created for on earth. To become.

How does a little child, innocent and oblivious, grow up to have the ability of poking a needle in another person’s buttocks? Simple. He sat under the ministration of words. Seven years they say. Seven years of sitting down to hear words. And after all that is said has been done, he has become qualified to ‘chook bumbum’.

You trust a Doctor to do that because you know he has been to medical school, not to play, but to hear words. You trust in the words he heard because that is what makes him distinct. He didn’t just hear words, he saw these words in play.

One day, they talk about the process of birthing a child. It sounds so fascinating. The movement of the child through the birth canal, pushing, as the uterus contracts, and the mother also pushing. It’s a movie in his mind, push, push, push but it becomes a memento when he is able to experience it. By the combination of the words he heard and the labour he experienced, he is different from you who has come for his help.

How are men radicalized? Through words.

What is charm? Words

What makes a Louis Vutton bag different from the Aba made version are Words.

How does a woman like me become like God, not to be worshipped, but in nature? To think as He thinks, to judge as He judges, to behave like He would behave if He was walking on the streets of Ojuelegba?

Words

But not just any word. Words anointed with spirit and life. Simply put, The Gospel.

You see, we can go to church all our lives to hear words that will challenge us to overtake, obliterate, overturn, but the very words of our Lord Jesus Christ? They have one aim. They pierce our minds and hearts, reaching to the core of our souls to transform us, cleanse us, purify us until we “become” like Him.

It’s one of the treasures we have as believers. That we can go to church, sit down, and hear words that will upgrade us, like a man is upgraded to become a doctor.

What’s more fascinating is that we have an example who has gone ahead of us. One who, by His life, has given us the script for us to live out in hope that, ultimately, we will become like Him.

So when you go to church, and your pastor preaches a sermon on 1 Peter 2:23 “who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:”

‭‭… your mind becomes open. Then he goes on to describe scenarios when our Lord could have reviled but He didn’t. What does this do to you?

I’ll tell you. Those words become a guide for you. When you’re in the office and your colleague insults you, when you’re in traffic and a danfo driver calls you weyrey (mad person), legitimate situations for you to give them back. But those words, working in you, those powerful and anointed words, you find a restrain, you find yourself unable to respond. Why?

Because you aren’t just you. You are changing to become like someone else.

You have encountered the Gospel. You have encountered Destiny.

I hope to release more articles expounding on the Gospel, bit-sized and chewable for anyone to understand.

Life Update: I must apologize. In my last article, I promised to see you in October, but I didn’t. Truth is that I got overwhelmed, the weight of my infirmities crushing me, battling against my self. But God saved me. God held me. God kept me (in Jason White’s voice). I am sorry. I am not promising consistency but I am promising to obey God when He inspires me to write like He did with this article. I listened to a message by one of my Pastors, Pastor Tunji Adegoke, so the original thought is from him.

I got engaged in October and also had my Introduction. I took up Journaling this January amongst the other things I committed to like Kegels, Pilates, and Core workouts.

Something I’m loving right now: My hair. On Sunday, I fell in love with my hair again. I texturized it last year April, and I hated the aftermath. Thanks to Youtube Vloggers. I didn’t enjoy the experience I was promised. Welp, after a consultation at a natural hair salon, I took deep conditioning and Ayuverda treatments serious. I put my hair in a protective twist style for three months, and yes! It’s all coming back to me (in Celine Dion’s voice).

Till my next article, Stay Hopeful!

Dee.

I committed to publish one article every month on Medium, and I’m glad I have been able to accomplish this so far. Then September came, and I struggled with what to write. My mind was a battlefield. And this is an interpretation of how my life has been all through this year. There’s just so many things that seem to be happening to me. It’s disruptive, chaotic, ornery. But I have a word the Lord gave me last year August, and I seemed to have forgotten about it till today. Thank God for house fellowship yesterday where I understood that the application of faith is never devoid of the Word. Because I can say that I had prayed the prayer of faith over and over again to get a new job, and nothing was happening. The most opened app on my phone is my email.

Each day at work makes me feel stagnant, and I’ve been confused about what to do. Should I take courses? Should I post on LinkedIn? What should I do? That’s all I have been about this year. Confused, Discouraged, Fearful, Nearly Depressed.

And that word came back today…

My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness.

I didn’t feel a rush of any emotion. It didn’t feel like an epiphany. It just felt like mercy and the ability to hope again. For the past one year, I’ve felt out of touch with God. Like I’m no longer the way I used to be. It hurts me to the core as I write this (and listen to Ivan Theva’s My Love, perfect song for this paragraph). I struggled with so many infirmities, and it made me relapse. I struggled to pray, I couldn’t concentrate when hearing the Word, and depression almost wounded me. At some point, I contemplated suicide, because waking up each day felt like a horror to me. Waking up everyday to come to work. I have been bullied, cast aside, treated unfairly, you name it. The trauma, the tears, the scars. This place was like a straw taking a long swig at all the Life I had in me.

I’m rambling. I’m supposed to write about my greatest fear. My greatest fear is to live everyday on this earth and not attain the utmost pleasure to God. I don’t wanna go, and the Lord tells me I didn’t please Him to the fullest. Years ago I feared missing out on being part of the 144,000. Later I worried about not attaining eternal life on earth. Then I heard my father, Rev. Kayode Oyegoke, say something I’ll never forget: he doesn’t bother his head about things outside his jurisdiction. His part is to serve and please the Lord Jesus Christ. Since then, that has become my life ambition. How can I live so that, among billions, God looks at me and is pleased — comforted that someone strove to live for Him?

Another thing this great man of God said is ‘‘I don’t question God. Everything He does is right.’’ And that, my friends, has become a watchword in my life. Blessed be the Merciful God who is always right to ‘Desola. Blessed be the Most High God whose judgements are higher than every height both now and in eternity.

I’ll be fine. I hope that in October, I get to share the joy of abounding in pleasure to my God, in spiritual growth, in changing nature to become like His, in recording more victories over Satan, in loving and honouring people.

You’ve had all the “bad fun,” and then you discover it didn’t give you anything of real value. Self-governance is a pill that causes more damage than good.
For me, that decision to yield was the springboard to seeing The Son.

I recently watched a documentary where two young men, both in their mid-20s to early 30s, shared what it means to follow Jesus without inhibition.
One sees a reality far beyond what his physical eyes could ever see.
The other doesn’t need two legs to walk the path of righteousness.

Watching the documentary, I expected to feel pity as they shared some of their deepest pains. I mean, it’s not something I can even begin to imagine - losing my sight, or having limited mobility all my life.
But what I found in my heart was not pity…

…it was strength.

They spoke about their anger, their pain, and their sadness but also how they wake up each day with a resolve to follow the Lord. They don’t see their physical limitations as a hindrance to obeying God or fulfilling His purpose for them.

I watched in utter amazement as they expressed the joy they’ve found in knowing God. You would expect them to be bitter at God for years of service and dedication without receiving their healing.

So what, then, is the essence of their Christianity?

I’ll let you experience it for yourself.
Click the link below.
It’s just 7 minutes — but it’s 7 minutes of understanding true spirituality, defying the odds, and clinging to an ever-present Saviour.

‘’You’re now an exco.’’

Those were the words ringing all around me as people congratulated my sisters that Friday night. Up until that moment, I didn’t want to be an exco. I just loved the word. On Mondays, I was at CLASFON Bible Study and RCF Workers’ Meeting. Tuesdays were for RCF Bible Study. Wednesdays? MSCF’s Bible Study. Thursdays, probably ESCA. Fridays? I’d pop into a random faculty fellowship service, including my own. I was always present but just as a regular member.

So no, I didn’t want to be an exco. Or at least, that’s what I thought.

But when my sisters became excos, something shifted. Suddenly, they had younger sisters in fellowship coming around to help them, extravagant birthday celebrations, special recognitions — and most of all, they were seen as spiritual. Respected. Admired.

It began to sting. It made me wonder: Am I even growing spiritually?
I became jealous.

What About Me?

It somewhat affected my relationship with them because they always had one exco meeting . To make things worse for me, they had cliques. I think that’s why, till today, I am not a fan of cliques. In hindsight, they did nothing wrong. Their responsibilities had simply increased. They had more to manage.

But still, I felt left out.

Growing up, I was often overlooked. I never quite measured up as a girl. But over the past year, things started changing. I experienced some significant personal wins. The kind that made me want to shout back at the world:

“Can you see me now?”

I wanted to post everything.
To show off my life.
To remind people who once looked down on me that — me too, I’m not small.

Instagram. WhatsApp. Church. Work.
Anywhere I could ‘shine,’ I wanted to.

Like when my man got me a new phone for my birthday. I wanted to do the full social media unboxing. You know, the dramatic kind — open the package, scream like a hyena (do hyenas even scream? lol). Just to let the world know.

But then I paused.

What about them?

What about that person who needs a new phone but cannot afford one right now?

What about that person who longs to be in a relationship? Wouldn’t it be insensitive to show off my man?

What about that person who doesn’t have a job yet? I don’t want to be a source of discouragement to them when they view my WhatsApp status?

And not just online, even in real life, I began to check myself.

It wasn’t shame. It wasn’t guilt.
It was compassion.

I asked myself:
What about all these things I have? All these wins and privileges...

Don’t get me wrong . Gratitude is good.
Sharing testimonies is beautiful.
But social media can twist it.
It can make others silently whisper:
“What about me?”

This question now guides my actions and how I relate with people. It has made me kinder and more considerate and compassionate because I realize that being mindful of others is one way of expressing love. Social media has become a tool of subtly belittling people and the progress they’ve made in life, all because of one ignorant post.

Not everything needs to be online.
Not every blessing needs a broadcast.

Find the balance.
Because the only thing that truly deserves constant publicity…
is the Word of God.

Lol.

Ciao!

And no, the title wasn’t inspired by MJ’s Earth Song. Hahaha!

It’s exactly one year since I wrote my last article … and honestly, one year later, I still don’t know…

In fact, as I write this, I’m wondering where I kept my work ID card. Answer — I don’t know, and I am going to be sanctioned for it.

Not knowing has kept me safe for the most part. There has never been a day of certainty in my life. I believe I would be veering off God’s purpose if I was certain of how my life should go.

I mean, I know I’m supposed to wake up for work by 5am every Monday to Friday (oh, btw, I got a job), but there’s a peace in knowing that my life is controlled by God (it’s not fully in His control, but I am working towards that).

A lot happened in one year. Maybe too much.

Spiritual growth, losing friends, making new ones, experiencing burn out, cutting my hair, finding love in a hopeless place, experiencing love in the wildest form, becoming an ultimate social recluse, maybe a boost of self esteem.

But I can definitely say that it was an interesting year.

Last time, I left off here, I mentioned how I hoped to be abounding in good works; serving the Lord Christ. Well, your girl is still here, and her heart is still racing for her Lord. Maybe not at the pace she wants it to.

A few months after writing that article, I got a job. A job I didn’t like nor wanted. I was finally enjoying the season of being at home and just fellowshiping with the Lord through physical activities and instructions. I was having a swell time listening to messages and understanding revelation. At the same time, I was half heartedly applying for jobs.

I forgot to mention. I took a course in product management at Utiva. A sister encouraged me to, and it felt like something I would like.

Anyways, I didn’t get a job as a product manager. I work as customer care in a pensions fund administrator. It’s not intriguing. Not my dream job. I don’t have one. Maybe to be a choir director.

Skipping to how my job made me experience burn out.

I work 8–5. That’s 9 excruciating hours of dealing with Nigerian people. No offence.

In that 9 hours, I have to struggle to listen to messages, stream meetings, read my bible, and even pray. It has been a tough journey but God has strengthened me and granted me wisdom. Nagode Baba.

Work tired me. There was a point my body just couldn’t go anymore. I had a dizzy spell and almost fainted.

But work also has it’s good sides. It has helped me grow spiritually. Opening me up to a different world. A cut throat world with cut throat people that I have to use as stepping stones for spiritual growth.

Talking about people, I found love in a hopeless place. Yes o. At this same work. A girl was floored by her sight. Yes, he’s cute. Looks like a nerd. Has the most fascinating eyes and charming voice (now I sound like I’m drooling).

But a girl also knows that it’s a waste of time to allow her emotions run wild over someone who isn’t pursuing what she is. That ended it. Besides, he resigned.

Yeah, so I mentioned experiencing love in the wildest form. My birthday. My oh my, it was delightful. I don’t think I can quantify the love I experienced. It was surreal. They planned a surprise. I was so jittery. Like me! It was all for me!

I have the best people in my corner. And it’s one of the things that motivates me each day. That I am loved. That’s enough. I don’t even care about anyone’s negativity. I am safe and assured in my brethren’s love for me.

I had to cut my hair late January. I was a victim. It was a dark time. On some days, I wanted the ground to swallow me up, but I thank God for my brethren. They were there encouraging me. And even the ones that didn’t, I knew their comments were from a place of love. So no offence taken.

Finally, I am learning to see myself through the eyes of the Son.

I woke up, dreading to go to work. I came in late. Around 8:20. I don’t know what I am going to do today. I have a lot of hanging deliverables. This season has been so hard for me. So many questions, uncertainties, maybe I shouldn’t have left. I wish time would run fast, so I can leave by 5pm. I miss my former colleagues, my friends. There’s no one to talk to here. I’m thankful for Praise who has been a comfort. I feel like I’m whining, so I’ll just close off. Each day, I just pray to God to help me. God, help me. Grant me grace. I know it’s not supposed to be easy, but please help me. Today will be a good day!

05/06/2024

The air felt crisp on my face this morning as I looked out the window in the danfo bus. My colleague says I always look sleepy. Maybe it’s because I want to sleep. Unrelated, but I miss my colleagues telling me that my hair is fine. No one did that here, and I didn’t take it as anything, but I noticed. I am sure that if someone said it, I would have been second-guessing. Sigh, I’ll be fine. Today is Tobi Ayo’s one year memorial. I’ll be streaming by 6pm. I feel like I knew him because Okuruesther made him so real to us. I even went as far as searching him on Google and watching his videos. I pray God grants her the strength to go through today. God, please let the day run by so fast.

06/2024

So what do I do with these feelings?

16/6/2024

I cried today.

This year, I have taken more crap than I ever have. But you know what I do with that crap, I take it, mold it, and throw it like a curveball at Satan with my fist clenched and finger pointed in his face. And I say something like ‘I will walk in love with this person.’ And well, I don’t always get it right. Sometimes, I put up a sourdough face. Other times, I am a grace bender, and I get it done.

but hey, at least I am doing something with the crap. I am not wasting it. I am converting it to an opportunity to hit back at Satan, at the world, and the ridiculous system, with the ultimate desire to please God by my response, my reaction, and inaction. So sometimes, life gives you crap, and you can take the crap and make something of it. A curveball or the nature of Christ formed in you and a wrong nature taken out. It is up to you.

But I promise you that this is not some cheesy post where I go on and on about my love life. Give me four, maybe five minutes of your time, and I will hold you spell-bound.

Now, I am not here to write about how amazing my love life is and how blessed I am to have the most beautiful man ever (after our Lord Jesus). Maybe some other time. I’m here to write about the things relationship people never talk about or admit. I may be the only one, and that’s fine. At least I know I have a Saviour who is touched by the feelings of my infirmity.

Nobody tells you how the thought of a person consumes you to the point where you think you are sinning. It got to a place where I had to repent before the Lord constantly because I felt Michael was competing with the Lord for space in my heart. And honestly, I know you may attribute it to me not being as spiritually mature as I should? Yes, my dears, you’re probably right. When the Lord began to put love in my heart for Michael, it felt like an unravelling, like my garden was carefully blossoming for a man, flesh, and blood. I woke up with thoughts about Michael, expectant to see his message. In church, I always wanted to be near him, and this usually made me lose my focus. I remember on two occasions when we went out, he excused himself to use the restroom, and immediately, I followed on impulse to also use the restroom, lol. Whenever he is quiet in the car, I am worried. I just wanted to fill up his whole space, and that was an issue for me because Jesus should be the one allocating the spaces as the real owner of the space. I constantly questioned myself “why am I thinking about this man so much? I should be waking up with the thought of Jesus, not Michael…I can’t get over what he told me yesterday. Dadadadada…’’

Well, good thing for me is that I was able to recognize these impulses in me, and I addressed them. It took a lot of denials, patience, and composure and speaking to my mothers in faith. Am I there yet? Naah, but I am learning to place total priority on The One who is driving this relationship. Our mantra and one of our greatest prayers is that our desire for Christ will outweigh our desire for each other. It’s a simple but powerful and potent prayer. But let’s not lie, let’s not steal, it’s not easy o. Maybe it’s me being extreme about the whole thing, but it just didn’t settle well with me, lol. As a Jesus’ girl that I am, I didn’t know how to behave when He gave the spare key to my heart to His son. And so, yes, I went overboard and came back on board!

Nobody tells you about the fear that tries to creep in…

Whenever Michael drops me off at home, the thoughts begin to come. ‘I hope no one hits him, I hope LASTMA doesn’t catch him. Oh Lord, let him get home safely’ followed by my excessive notification check. But with time, I’ve learned to cast all my emotional turbulence to the Lord who cares for me and him more than we could ever care for ourselves.

I don’t know if other relationship people feel it, but the thought of how lasting his love for me will be used to be one of my fears. I say ‘used’ because I’m learning to lean on the conviction God gave me about him, and he, about me.

Hate to be the party pooper, but fights? yes, they’ll happen. TikTok couples behave like they never fight, and when we had fights at the beginning of our relationship, I felt like a failure. On one occasion, I wanted us to take a break and give each other some space, but thankfully, Michael refused. One time, he drove all the way from home to pick me up at work. That melted the anger in me. He has even done the ‘there’s a package waiting for you outside’ after an argument. Guess what it was, chicken wings, chips, and a club sandwich, lmao. Hard guy in the mud.

Now, please, I am not trying to sound like relationships are peppered with fights. I can’t remember the last time we fought, because we’re growing in our knowledge and understanding of each other and much more, in grace. At the beginning stage, we didn’t know what conflict resolution was. I am naturally an expressive person, so I would bare my heart to the rawest deep of me. And it was later I realized that it wasn’t always necessary to do that. Sometimes, it was the fuel to the fire.

Anyways, we believe that we’ll fight all the fights that need to be fought in our courtship. So that in marriage, all we will enjoy is Jesus' joy. It is possible. I know it. Satan will fight us, but with the love, understanding, and grace we have trapped inside us, we will overcome him.

Besides, it’s probably a good thing that we fight sometimes. What’s that thing in the Bible? Iron sharpeneth iron. Don’t take my word for it. Yours can be rosy, rosy. Please don’t try to look for avenues to pick a fight. But I say this because at one of our counselling sessions, our counsellor shared her experience with us. And she made a rather glowing commendation of me when I asked a question along the line of couples disagreeing. She said something like ‘’for you to ask, it shows that you’re willing to be a good wife.’’ And I thank God for making me willing. Naturally, you may think I’m not spiritual — coming out to admit my weakness and frailty. But for me, I have nothing to prove. I have no spiritual status to elevate. If I have an argument with my fiancé, and I ask a seasoned matriarch in marriage, in the presence of other couples, that is just me trying to get help and become better. What makes it so wonderful is that a fellow sister in my counselling class reached out to me about how my questions have helped her. The things she can’t voice out are what the Lord has helped me speak out. So Thank You, Jesus.

The original title I had for this article was ‘things they never tell you about being in a relationship.’ But I decided against it because how long have I been in a relationship to be dishing out expert advice, lmao? This is just me documenting and being expressive as I am. I will come back here and laugh with Michael in years to come about our early days in love.