Next morning I woke up to find that John was still there and it came to me like a pleasant surprise. After a shower we sat down on my bed and just laid there, listening to music, non talking. This time it felt different, maybe because he was behaving so normal it made me feel normal as well. We stayed like that for about one hour.

- Ok, I have to go now. — he said, breaking the music melody.

- Ok. — I said with a smile that wanted him to stay.

Daniel wasn’t at home that morning. I texted Paola to see if she was awake.

“Mami, good morning. Are you awake?”

“Yes!! I am! Come here, come come”

I knocked her door.

- Come in! — like she always said in a good mood.

- Good morning, Mami!

- Uh, uh, good morning for you! And?? — she sounded extra excited and I also couldn’t help laughing so it was obvious.

- And, what? — I asked, smiling, knowing exactly what she wanted to know.

- Uh, “what”?! Tell me! Everything!

- Well, you know, you saw me coming up!

- Yes, but I want to know details!

So we talked about it, like girls do. Or not every girl, I don’t know. But we definitely did, a lot.

The next few days I had to hear Paola and Daniel making infinite jokes about that night with John, which was quite funny and embarrassing as well, thought I didn’t actually felt weird or awkward talking to them about it. Even the opposite, Daniel and Paola were the first ones I would talk about it from everyone I met. They were really open-minded but more than that, they were my best friends.

Paola was spending more time with Rupert now, which I found really sweet and that they deserved it. Rupert lived in the south of Germany, he used to come to Hannover some times to visit Paola and other times she would go to the south. They were the most cute couple to hang out with and it was hilarious to see their small fights, which, for us, was cute but for them was a temporary headache.

This time Paola was going to the south, take advantage of the long weekend so it would be just me and Daniel and, as always, our typical bad life.

It was a Thursday and we took Paola to the train station and came back home.

- Ok, player, it’s Thursday! — I said.

- I know, I know, ladies night at Centrum!

- Yes, are we going?

- Oh, you want to see John don’t you? You dirty minded.

- And you want to see Mariana so buzz off!

- Ok, wing men, remember? We are wing men!

- Like I had another chance with you anyway!

- I am a gentleman.

Another normal day in Centrum, the usual people, the usually drinks. We were all hanging out outside when John approached me.

- I need to talk to you after. — he said.

- Ok, don’t worry. — I said, without knowing the reason of that talk.

A few minutes later he made me a sign saying he wanted to talk so we went a little far from the others.

- What’s wrong? — I asked.

- I just wanted to talk to you about what happened. — Now I knew exaclty where it was going and it didn’t surprised me at all.

- Ok.

- I got out of a recent relationship so I am not thinking about going into one again. And I don’t want to make you upset.

- Why would I be upset?

- Well, you could expect something else.

- Does it look like I do? Don’t worry, I am not looking for anything. Just relax, have fun.

- Ok, then. — and he smiled. That seemed to have relaxed him a little bit. He had that worried face before our talk and it was annoying. Now at least he was smiling again and apparently he was satisfied with my answer because he kissed me.

I guess that night we disappeared from the rest of the group, because I can’t remember seeing them any more after talking with John.

A few days later, there was an organized trip to go to Berlin with a teacher of ours. Daniel and Paola wouldn’t be joining us because they weren’t Erasmus students, so I went along with Tiago and Mike — the portuguese — and some other friends. We were only going to stay a couple of days there so we really wanted to enjoy it. As we arrived, our teacher showed us all the places he though were worth seeing, along with some museums and art galleries, but we had some hours to walk around by ourselves. Berlin was what it seemed to me to be an enormous city: so many people on the subway, trains and buses, the streets were always full and it was impossible not to notice the multiculturalism. It is like there wasn’t a single spot were you would pass silently, at least I was feeling it very intense and powerful. For dinner, our teacher had invited us to eat at his place with his family. We all managed to get the group together and head up to his apartment, which we came out to find it was a huge, palace-like apartment with a view to one of the main streets in Berlin. It was a very funny evening with wine and a lot of food. In the end of the evening, we found that one of our Japanese friends wasn’t really managing the alcohol she had — probably two glasses of wine — and things start getting funny, we even witnessed her experience with her first cigarette ever and her thrilled was way beyond what is expected for someone trying out something known as bad for your health, but it was still very comic and we laughed a bit before taking the cigarette out of her hand. When we left the teacher’s apartment, we all headed to the Hostel where we were staying and most of the group went straight to bed, except of course for me, Tiago, Mike and a few other friends, who found a really quiet bench were we could sit quietly, drink our late night kiosk-bought beers and talk about that unexpected experience at a teacher’s house.

The next day, after visiting a few other places, we went back to Hannover, each of us with the transportation we could find and afford. By the time I arrived to Hannover I immediately went home to find Daniel really bored in the bedroom, since Paola went to the south to visit Ruppert and her family. We catched up a little bit until we had the brilliant idea of opening a bottle of wine…which leaded to a bottle of whisky and, then again, waking up the next day with a hangover.

Everything was going as usual, we went to school about two to three times a week, when we had classes; we got together to drink and go out; we got together to hang out during the day in the park or doing barbecue, and that was our way to pass time. Mariana and Daniel hadn’t really talked about their kiss but I knew Daniel was really interested, so I was trying to pull out some strings and make them talk or hang out, and at the same time I was keeping it cool with John and it was actually working for me. I didn’t knew him that well but he seemed to be a fun and nice guy and he was part of out group of friends. Everything was going pachito but we knew there was a big event coming up: Mariana’s birthday was coming and Tiago was committed to make that the biggest and funkiest party of the semester.

This new Semester was starting as it appeared to become some funny and chilled next months. Me, Daniel and Paola were spending even more time together, if that was even possible. Things with Jacobo weren’t that good since January and this time it looked like it was going to be for real, him and Daniel had a huge fight and it was starting to be destructive and uncomfortable for me as well so I took my distance. On other people’s eyes, Daniel and Paola had made my mind into stop talking with him. But, as I realized when you live in a house full of young people where everyone knows everyone, people like to talk. A lot. I have always tried to be the girl that doesn’t get into any trouble, isn’t part of the scandals and people’s talks, but in that house…God, it was really difficult. Since my arrival to Hannover it was never truly accepted the type of relationship I had with Daniel, people didn’t know us and we didn’t give any explanations to anyone and, because of that, they made out their own stories. It is such a cliché to live this kind of things and, as a completely out-of-the-crowd person, shy, and never someone who people actually noticed, this situation was totally new for me but I was just not caring about all that, and Daniel either, we just didn’t give a damn about what they thought about us and neither did Paola. So it appeared that, from now on, it would only be me, Daniel, Paola and Ricky, who had been missing for some time but had actually never left our hearts, that would be impossible.

It was a sunny morning and I was getting dressed when someone knocked.

- Come in!

- Olive, how are you? — it was Mathieu, the french guy.

- Hey, Mathieu!

Mathieu was a really cool guy. He studied Music and he always carried his electric guitar.

- Alter! How are you? — said Daniel. They were really good friends and more than that, they were two genuine players who could spend a whole day trying to figure out a way to meet new girls and plan everything as the two perfect wing men.

- Du Arschloch! — said Mathieu. — Good, good. Look, I was thinking if you two could help me make a facebook event for my birthday this weekend.

- Yes, of course. We can do it now, right Olive?

- Yes, sure, let’s do it!

- Great, thanks.

Me and Mathieu got really well along together. Daniel was always making fun of us and trying to set us up but that wasn’t the case. We were friends and we used to play about that, but nothing more. Mathieu also had a girlfriend, which was obviously no problem through Daniel’s eyes, but it was definitely through mine. But again, that wasn’t the case, we just had fun playing around about the subject.

After some time setting the event up and inviting some people we had a few beers and spent some time talking.

-Oh, by the way, Mathieu, can I invite some friends to your party? — I asked.

- Sure you can. Who are they?

- Oh, oooh, I know who are you inviting, Olive!

- Shut up, Daniel.

- Oh, I know. I do, I know.

- Who are they, then? — asked Mathieu, feeling curious.

- Just some Portuguese people I met and they are cool. — I said, obviously not saying it all.

- Come on, Olive. It is not only Portuguese people…

- Of course not, there is more people coming. — I was definitely avoiding saying names because I knew where it was about to go with those two idiots.

- Hm, maybe someone named, how was it? Ben, Jen, no… Jim. — he was obviously pretending not to remember just to make me say it. — Oh, yes, it’s John!

- Uh, who is John? — asked Mathieu.

- Come on, guys, don’t start. I’m inviting all of them, I’m not like you two.

- Of course you aren’t, you’re even worst.

- That is such a lie, Daniel, that I won’t even comment. Anyway. I will invite them, if that is ok with you, Mathieu.

- Yes, sure, no problem.

- As long as you invite Mariana as well. — said Daniel.

- And you think I was going to forget that, Daniel? — I laughed.

- Of course you won’t, you’re my wing girl. The three of us, we are wing bros!

The rest of the week I had to listen Daniel, Paola and Mathieu making fun of me for finding John cute. Of course that was a totally normal thing, they just did it because it was me and they enjoyed making fun of me for no matter reason, like the day they found out I was a Harry Potter fan. That day still haunts me…in a good way!

It was Saturday already and I was at Paola’s room getting ready for the party. The name of the party was “Das Leben ist keine Ponyhof”, which means “Life is no Pony House” and we were supposed to dress really fancy. Before the party we made a small barbecue outside with just a few people and the actual party was taking place in the basement. Of course, as young spirits desiring for excitement, we didn’t wait for the actual party to get drunk, so when it was time to go inside because the rest of the people were arriving, we were all already quite “happy”. Usually it takes some time until people start dancing, getting drunk, start talking with random people, but that day, everything was really fast. By the time Tiago called me saying he was at the station next to my place I was already seeing the world in different colors.

- Olive! What’s up! We are in the station but I don’t know the way to your place. — Tiago said on the phone.

- No problem, it’s really close, I will just pick you up. I’ll be there in three minutes.

- Ok, see you!

I was going up the stairs when I heard Daniel:

- Fucker! Where are you going?

- Just picking up the Portuguese people!

- Ohhh, uhhh. — There was no way his expression could turn into words because he was just making weird noises.

- Whatever, you idiot. — I laughed and pretended I didn’t know why he was doing all of those weird faces at me.

I went outside with no jacket and it was raining. I was wearing a summer dress and high heels but the alcohol didn’t allowed me to feel cold. I reached the station and there was Tiago, Mariana and John.

- Guys! Hey!

- What’s up, Olive? — said Tiago.

I said hello to all of them and we went to the party. Almost everyone was very well dressed, girls were wearing dresses mostly and boys were wearing shirts and ties. If it weren’t for the fact that everyone was drunk, high and dancing like crazy, it could pretty much be a fancy evening. Of course that wouldn’t be possible with a group of people like us. Fancy is just not what we do.

I was walking back to the basement after going to the toilet when Mariana came in my direction.

- Olive, I have to tell you something. — it looked serious.

- What, what happened?

- I kissed Daniel.

- Oh my God. — seriously? — I thought it was something serious Mariana!

- And it is! He was just kissing that blond girl ten minutes ago.

- I know, I know. But I don’t know what to tell you. Just don’t take it serious with Daniel, ok?

- No, no, this can’t happen again! — she said.

I don’t remember dancing so much in any other party. Me and Paola were having the time of our lives, we couldn’t stop laughing and dancing, we were having so much fun.

- Mami! Toilet! — she screamed. It is true that girls always go to the toilet on groups, but me and Paola didn’t went in groups, we went in pairs. That was something about us when we were drunk: we always went to the toilet together and for some reason, we always had too much fun going to the toilet. It was like a short private party for us. When we were returning to the party, Mariana came in my direction again and Paola kept going.

- Olive…I need to tell you something. — she said.

- Did you kissed Daniel again? — I laughed.

- Yes! But I shouldn’t, right?

- I don’t know, why not? Just don’t take it seriously and it’s fine. Don’t think too much about it! — probably the worst advice I ever gave to someone.

It didn’t took that long until Mariana approached me again:

- Olive…

- Ok, don’t say it. Let me guess: you kissed Daniel? — Now I was just having fun with the situation and laughing.

And two minutes later Daniel approached me.

- Olive I have to tell you something. — It was just too funny. — I really like Mariana. — Daniel approached me with his glass on his hand and sat down next to me.

- Daniel, please. Just now you were kissing Anke! — Anke was a German girl. I only knew her from some parties and I didn’t like her attitude. I had some situations with her before that made me not want to be around her.

- How do you know that??

- Oh my God, everyone saw it! You were right there, in front of everyone! And Mariana saw it too.

- What do I do? I like Mariana!

- Then stop fooling around with Anke and go talk with Mariana. — sometimes I can sound so boring, and Daniel’s face made that clear. But in that case, he knew I was right.

- Ok, ok, but I am shy! I need your help, please.

- Oh, come on! Seriously? Just go talk to her, you already kissed her!

- Ok, I will go if you go talk with John.

- Oh my God, I just talked to him five minutes ago! — that was a lie.

- No, you didn’t, you were dancing with Paola and Ricky!

- Paola what? — Paola came to sit down with us just when Daniel was talking.

- Olive has to go talk to John right? — Daniel asked, knowing exactly Paola would agree with him.

- Yes, she does. — and she looked at me with those eyes she made like saying “you know you don’t have another chance.”

- Ok, but he is dancing! — I tried.

- So what? Go and dance also! — and has Paola said that she and Daniel stood up and took me off my sit and pushed me towards John.

So I went, I really didn’t had another chance. I’ve had situations like that before with them, even when I didn’t want to talk with the guy, they made me do it. It was like I had absolutely no choice in the matter, but it was ok. In the end we always had fun with the subject and, to be honest, John was looking really good with that blue shirt and that tie. He had brunette hair, tanned skin and brown eyes, and that was all the information I could handle at the moment.

I approached John and the others and started dancing. We danced infinite songs and even when we were too tired to continue, I made him dance even more. I can’t remember how it all happened but, once again, the movie scene: it happened what always happens when two faces stand less than five centimeters from each other. My brain was in absolute silent. We were in the middle of the room, everyone dancing around us but my ears, my eyes and my brain were shut.

Without going through too much detail, we went outside for some fresh air and sat down on the bicycles that were parked there.

- What are we doing, Olive? — John asked.

- Nothing.

- We are friends.

- So? It is not like we are going to stop being friends. — I said and John looked at me with a serious face I was not used to. It was the first time I was seeing him serious and I wasn’t expecting that. Or maybe he wasn’t serious at all.

- Fuck it. — and he kissed me.

Five minutes later we went upstairs, leaving the party too early while everyone was still having fun. On our way up I passed Paola.

- Mami, I am going upstairs. — I said.

- What? Now, so early? — she sounded surprise until she noticed John was waiting at the door. — Oh, ok, got it. Have fun!

I didn’t knew if I was doing the right thing or not but in that moment I didn’t care. John didn’t looked like the kind of guy that would do drama and I didn’t had any patience for drama now so it sounded perfect. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I was almost sure he wasn’t also, maybe I should have asked first but it didn’t seem necessary. How could I ever know what that “Fuck it” could become.

My date with Mark had been nice, but I wasn’t that excited about it any more. All the “go on a date” magic had passed, like I just needed to be sure I could still do it but wasn’t really interested on continuing. But that didn’t seem to be a problem since we never saw each other again and talked even less and less. Failed date.

After that experience I was focused on retaking my time with Daniel to meet new people. Daniel was the perfect wing-man, when I wanted or when I didn’t. He would try to make me flirt with guys no matter what my opinion was, he was a natural player and since we met each other his target was to make me one as well. Unfortunately he was being successful.

It was the beginning of March and there was a whole new group of Erasmus people that was arriving to Hannover for the Summer Semester.

- Olive, we have to meet the new Erasmus people. — Daniel said, with his serious face like it was something he had been planning for years. — we have to.

- And I am guessing it has nothing to do with the new girls, right? — I laughed.

- Of course not! I am shy, I don’t do that. It is for a simply matter of knowing them and having fun. — he tried to defend himself but with a smile on his face like he knew exactly he wasn’t convincing me or himself.

- Hm, hm, like I don’t know you.

- Come on! Let’s do it.

- Ok, ok, we will, that’s a deal.

It was the middle of the week and we were at Paola’s room with Gabriella, the Italian girl I met in September. I didn’t spent that much time with her before but now we were spending more time together. She was a really funny girl, really easy going and a bit crazy, but that was ok, depending on the circumstances. We were the four of us there, drinking beer, smoking grass and watching random videos on youtube for people who are high. We must have been about three hours like that.

- Ok, people, I am going to sleep. — said Paola, who was always the strongest one to face the reality and realize we couldn’t stay up much longer that night.

- Ok, good night, Mami.

- Good night, Paola!

- Ok, let’s continue in my room. — I said. — we still have things to smoke and I can’t sleep right now.

- Sounds like a good idea. — they said.

We spent the whole night laughing like crazies and recording music videos like it was the most hilarious thing on earth.

- Ok, guys. — Gabriella said. — tomorrow is ladies night at Centrum and all the new Erasmus people are going. Are you joining us?

- YES! Oh, yes, cool! I told you Olive! Yes, let’s go. — said Daniel, really excited.

- Yes, let’s go, sounds good. — I said.

- Oh, yes, Olive you have to come, I met some Portuguese people that came this semester! — Gabriella said.

- What?? Portuguese people, really?

- Yes.

- I hadn’t met any Portuguese people yet, since I arrived to Hannover.

- Ok, so you have to come.

- Deal.

And we called it a night.

It was a Thursday night and I was getting ready to go to Centrum, a bar in the city that had ladies night every Thursday. Paola wasn’t joining us because she had work to do so I was only counting on Daniel, and Gabriella who was going to meet with us in the train station next to Centrum.

- Ok, Daniel, are you ready to go? It is getting late. — I asked him.

- No, I don’t feel like going any more… — he said.

- What? No, no, you must be kidding me! You were a pain in the ass the whole week about the new Erasmus people so don’t even try, we are going! — I said. Now that I was excited to go and meet the Portuguese people I wasn’t giving up that easily.

- No, no, I don’t feel like it. — he said, just like a baby crying.

- Daniel, get your ass out of bed and get ready! Come on! I will introduce you to every girl I meet and we will play the “big brother move” on them so they think you are sweet!

- But I am sweet…

- Pff, please. — I laughed. — Come on, please, let’s go! Please? — Now I was the one crying like a baby and doing puppy face.

- Ohh, ok, I will go! But be aware that I don’t want to!

- Ok, ok, I will be!

- And you do have to be my wing man, then.

- Ok, deal!

And there we went. As always I trusted Daniel to lead the way and, as always, we got lost. We took about one hour to reach Gabriella and when we did, she was already drunk. So me and Daniel had a job now: to get drunk as fast as we could so we wouldn’t be the only ones sober, since everyone who had joined us was already acting like dumb drunk people.

It took us one more hour to reach Centrum and when we were arriving we could see a huge crowd of people staying outside.

- Olive, there is the Portuguese guy! — she screamed at me and then started screaming to the Portuguese guy. — TIAGO! SHE IS PORTUGUESE! — and running towards him.

Ok, now everyone knew we were Portuguese, good one.

- Hey, are you Portuguese? — the guy, apparently named Tiago, asked.

- Yes, I am! I’m Olive, nice to meet you!

- Nice to meet you! Come on, two kisses, the Portuguese way, not the cold German hand-shake.

- Oh my God, you’re so right.

Tiago was a really tall guy, good looking, short hair and, by the thing he was rolling with his both hands, we were going to be good friends.

- Ok, there are two more Portuguese people coming today, they study with me in Portugal.

- Ok, cool.

- Oh, there they are. Oh Mariana, Mike! — he screamed at them. —Puto, why are you so late?

- I was waiting for Mike, as always! — Mariana said.

Mariana was a tall gorgeous girl, long hair, light skin and she looked pretty chilled out. Mike had long hair as well, glasses and he looked like a little genius, I don’t know if due to his obvious similarities with John Lennon or Jesus Christ himself, but he looked like the most calm person on earth.

- Guys, this is Olive, she is Portuguese also.

- Oh, hey, nice to meet you.

We introduced ourselves and talked for some minutes, after all, we did came from the same country. We joined the others and I introduced Daniel to all of them and Tiago introduced us to some more people.

- Hey, guys, this is John. — said Tiago to me and Daniel.

- Hey, nice to meet you. — we said.

- Where are you from? — I asked. Apparently that is the question you ask the most when you are an Erasmus student.

- From Turkey. — John said.

- Ok, cool.

It was the first time I was hanging out with Portuguese in Hannover and I was finding them pretty cool actually. It was good to have some people with whom I could use my mother tongue and there was something about them that made it so easy for me to like them instantly. Of course we already had a few drinks more than we should, but that wasn’t a problem, we were just having a good time.

Mariana approached me and, funny thing about Mariana that I only noticed after being drunk with her a couple of times more: every time she is drunk and wants to tell you something, she will point her finger up like it was a really serious thing she is about to say. And right now, was the perfect example of that:

- Olive, Olive! I need to pee. Do you need to pee also?

- Yes, actually, I do! Let’s go then.

- Ok, ok, but the toilets inside are full so I always do outside.

- Ok, let’s go then, I need to pee!

- OMG.

-What?

- Do you also pee outside? — I wasn’t expecting that question.

- Yes, of course! Who doesn’t?

- Oh my God, now I know you are my friend! — It was awkward, but honest. At least now we knew we could count on each other to pee outside every time we needed. Which became kind of a tradition for us, but moving on…

It must have happened really fast because I can’t exactly remember how it happen. There was a girl crying and everyone was asking about her and what happened and two minutes later I realized that there was an ambulance arriving to Centrum and taking someone. Five minutes after that everyone was talking about “liquid ecstasy” and how one girl had been ruffied and the other one, the one crying, had also drunk a little bit. It was a big confusion and I can’t even tell what really happened.

I guess after the “liquid ecstasy” incident nothing else “interesting” happened that night so me and Daniel decided to go home. The others were going to a club called Glocksee, which wasn’t that far from there, and since there were no trains, me and Daniel started walking home, which was about one and a half hour walking. But we were drunk, high, a little bit of fresh air wouldn’t hurt. The thing about Daniel being drunk is that he can either be in a really bad mood and start kicking everything in his way, or he can be in a really good mood and be the funniest person possible. Fortunately, that night he was in a really good mood so our one and a half hour journey was actually pretty entertained. We got lost probably three times and one of the times we ended up in an abandoned car parking which had a really high fence all over. Daniel called it a “shortcut” but there was no way out of it.

- Ok, let’s go back, this has no way out. — I said, still laughing about the whole situation.

- No, no, we can jump! — Daniel said. Another thing about Daniel drunk: he can make every absurd idea become real.

- Jump? This fence it’s as tall as I am and I am wearing a skirt, Daniel!

- It is ok, I will jump first and then catch you, don’t worry! — he said sounding really sure about that idea.

- Ok, let’s do it. — Why the hell do I always say yes to his ideas. It never ends good.

So he climbed the fence and jumped, everything worked out for him.

- Ok, fucker. Climb it. — he said.

- This is going to be so wrong, Daniel.

- Just climb and jump, don’t be a pussy, I will catch you.

- Ok, ok, I’m doing it.

So I climbed and when I reached the top, I jumped. Everything seemed to have worked but suddenly I realized: my skirt was stuck on the top of the fence, my tights were totally screwed and my whole underwear was showing.

- Oh my God, I told you! Help me out, Daniel!

I don’t know if he was just enjoying seeing me in that situation or if he just couldn’t move because he was laughing so hard.

- Shut up and help me! — I couldn’t help laughing also. It was just too ridiculous.

He helped me get out of there and we continued walking and laughing at the same time. I can’t remember how we got home but I know we did, because next morning:

- Good morning, people! — Paola had so much energy. — I woke up at nine, put water in my plants, watch two episodes of True Blood and cleaned my room! I was waiting for you two to get up so we can have breakfast in the balcony, there is a beautiful day today!

- Oh my God, Mami…how do you have so much energy? — I asked.

- Because I don’t get drunk every day like you two sillies!

- Ok, ok, I am getting up. DANIEL! Wake up…

- Wake up brother! — Paola screamed. — Let’s go! It’s a new day.

After recovering and taking a long shower we joined Paola in the kitchen and prepared our breakfast. We didn’t had breakfast together everyday but when we did it was like a huge deal, we prepared everything, pancakes with all the dressings we had, bread, coffee, tea, fruit, and we took everything to the balcony and spent about one or two hours eating and talking. It was a king’s breakfast.

- How was yesterday night, guys? — Paola asked.

- It was ok, we met some Portuguese people and there was a little drama about some ecstasy and…

- Ecstasy?

- Yes, don’t really know what happened but there was an ambulance and all.

- Oh God, ok, and what else?

- Olive met a lot of guys. — Daniel said, provoking me.

- No, I didn’t!

- Oh, yes, you did!

- Come on, Mami, after Mark you didn’t went on any dates any more! — said Paola.

- And I don’t plan on going on dates any more! Now I will just let things go.

- Come on — said Daniel — who did you think was cute yesterday?

- I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking about that.

- Come on! Say it! Tiago?

- What about Tiago? — I asked.

- Do you think he was cute?

- No, come on. I mean, he is handsome, but no! No, come on, stop that!

- Ok, who else? Come on, be honest, there is always someone we think is cute!

- Ok, Ok! John was kind of cute.

- Who’s John? — asked Paola, feeling lost in the conversation.

- John? Really? — said Daniel.

- Yes, John, he is handsome!

- Ok, ok, so we have to invite them for the next party.

- Oh, come on, Daniel! Don’t start! — I said.

- We do! Because I also thought Mariana was cute… — he got busted.

- A-ha! I knew it! There was got to be some reason that you wanted to see them again, it wasn’t about me finding John cute! God, you are incredible Daniel…

- Please! Olive, come on! They are Portuguese, you have to be the connection!

- No, Daniel, don’t start! I’m not doing that any more!

- Please! Come on! Wing men? Please!

- No, no, no!

- I don’t know what you guys are talking about, you two sound crazy, but I do think Olive should start playing again… — Paola said. Always those words of wisdom.

- What do you mean by playing?

- You know, out there in the field! Guys, boys, men! Whatever you want to call them! Come on!

- Oh my God, Mami…don’t help Daniel on this…

- It is not about helping Daniel, it is about you! Come on! Ok, if it’s not John who else?

- She also told me some time ago she found Thomas cute. — and there, now I had the super brothers on a mission, the mission to set me up with some guy.

- Really? Thomas? Well, he is cute. And nice. — Paola said.

Thomas was a Russian guy that used to be in some parties in our dormitory because he knew some of our friends that lived there. He was a really cute guy and really nice but there was a problem about him. Although he was (let’s use the right words) hot, he didn’t spoke English and I didn’t spoke German, and it was quite difficult for us to understand each other.

- Daniel you have such a big mouth… — I said.

- Just trying to help, fucker.

Now I was screwed.

January had begin really nicely, or as Paola and Daniel would say, pachito. Snow was suppose to be arriving to the city and I was hoping for it, as someone like me who lives in a city with no snow. I was really excited about the snow and one morning when I woke up, there it was.

- Daniel, Daniel, wake up! There is snow! — I screamed.

- Hmm…what? — he said, half sleeping. Daniel’s father was German so snow wasn’t any surprise for Daniel since he passed a lot of Winters in Germany already.

- SNOW! There is snow, come on, wake up!

- Ok, Olive, I will, just let me sleep a bit more.

No one could understand my excitement, I thought, so I went to knock on Paola’s door.

- Come in! — she said.

- Paola! There is snow!

- Yes, I’ve seen it.

- Oh, let’s go outside, please!

- Yes, we will go, when we go on our way to school.

- Ok, ok, but fast, let’s go!

It was the first time I was so excited to go to school and I was just like a little kid jumping in the middle of the snow. But everyone else was already too used to it.

There were a lot of things to think about this month, it was the end of the Winter Semester and this time I had to make a bigger effort into it. I spent most of my time hanging out but I was worried to finish my bachelor in a secure way so I didn’t had to repeat it in Portugal. But that was it, I just wanted to finish it, no other desires about it attached. I wanted to finish my bachelor and do my Master degree, that was my target: Master. At least I thought it was.

Due to all the work everyone had to do for school this month things were really quiet at the dormitory. The month passed really fast and before I knew it, I was packing again to go spend some time in Portugal. It was the Semester break and I had a month of Holidays so I though I could go and see my family, even though I wanted to stay in Hannover and enjoy my Holidays with Daniel (Paola was going to the south to see Rupert), I thought it would be nice and that my mom would be happy to have me there. So I went, almost the whole February spent in Portugal and finally the day I returned to Hannover arrived.

- Hey, Daniel! — I said when he picked the phone.

- Hey, where are you?

- I just arrived to Hannover, I am leaving the airport now and taking the train home. Are you home?

- Yes, yes, I am. Take the train and come.

- Ok, see you in some minutes then.

- See you, player!

Paola was still in the south so I had about a week to spend only with Daniel. Time alone with Daniel was really different from the time when we were together with Paola, with her we were more normal, we ate healthy, woke up earlier, do more things, catch more sun. But when we were alone it was a disaster: eating pizza every day, getting drunk almost every night, sleeping during the day and waking up at night to drink more, play computer games and not even talking about going outside for some sun, no way. And this time wouldn’t be any different. I arrived home at about eleven p.m. and Daniel was in our room, watching some movies.

- Hey, player! Nice to see you again!

- Hey! How was your journey?

- Oh, it was good, you know, the same as always.

- Good, good. How was Portugal?

- The same, it was sunny. And it is not snowing anymore here!

- Yes, finally it stopped. — Daniel said, probably reminding how I woke him up the day I saw snow through our window.

- Ok, I brought some drinks from Portugal.

- Uh, cool. What is it?

- We have beer, wine and this licor which is my favorite. And this is all Portuguese.

- Ok, let’s try it. — he said.

Before we knew it all the bottles where empty and, once again, to keep on with the tradition, we were dead drunk in bed again. There was just nothing good going on when we were alone, just like two little kids when the mother isn’t present for five minutes.

Paola was coming back to Hannover as well so we decided to plan a Semester party to celebrate the beginning of the new Semester. Paola invited all of her classmates and the usual people we always invited. It was the first official party after my birthday (the random drunkenness's in our rooms or in the kitchen not included) so we were pretty excited about it. Also because I didn’t know that much people from her class, besides the four girls that always used to hang out with us, Helen, Becky, Brittany and Laura, who were all really nice people. Becky was born in Russia but lived since a long time in Germany, she had amazing blue eyes and the sweetest look, but it is never all about the looks, behind that sweet girl she could turn very quickly as hardcore as it can get, just give her a bottle of vodka and she will make the party all by herself if she needs to. Helen was German and really sweet as well, she had long blond hair and curls that could almost match mine and it was really easy to get along with her, she was really open minded. I never got the chance to get to know Brittany and Laura that well, I do know them for being Paola’s friends and they were always super nice to me, I have them in my mind as really good company from my time in Germany.

Me and Paola were dressing up for the party, I had straightened my hair, Paola made some curls on her hair, high heels were on fire that night! There wasn’t that much people in the party but we didn’t care, we were having fun no matter what. I was sitting on Paola’s lap and talking to the girls but my attention wasn’t on them. There was a really cute guy sitting in the other sofa and I couldn’t help noticing that… there was no girl next to him.

- Paola, who is that guy sitting in front of us? — I asked really low since I didn’t want him to notice, even though I spoke spanish with Paola.

- WHO? MARK? — she screamed. Another thing about being drunk is that you can never control the volume of your voice, doesn’t matter how hard you try.

- Oh, come on! Don’t scream his name! — He was now staring at us, of course. I pretended I was talking with someone else.

- Yes, Mark, and don’t scream his name again!

- Oh, he is single, go talk to him, he is nice, really.

- Ok, no rush, I will go.

Of course in about five minutes everyone already knew that I thought he was cute so everyone was pushing me to go.

- Ok, Olive, since you don’t know him and never talked to him, I will go with you, because I know him, and then we can start talking. Ok? — Becky said, she always tried to help no matter what but when she did it with a bottle of vodka in her hand I could never trust her help a hundred percent. — Hey, Mark! How are you? — she asked.

- Hey, Becky, I am fine, and you?

- Yeah, good, good. Do you know my friend Olive? — I should have known she was going to make that question as awkward as possible.

- No, not yet. Hey, Olive.

- Hey, nice to meet you. — I said, looking at him trying to ignore that Becky was staring at us.

- Ok, I will go to the toilet. — she said.

- Yes, sure, how sublime Becky, thanks. — I said. Mark laughed and turned to me.

- Want to see a magic trick? — he asked. Well, that was a first, that a guy asked me if I want to see a magic trick.

- Yes, sure, why not.

He started talking to me and suddenly moved his hand towards my head and magically took a coin out of my ear. I couldn’t believe I just got the coin trick as a flirtation. That was definitely a first. I laughed and try to make it sound as natural as possible. Although it was a pretty cheesy move I couldn’t help finding him sweet, I don’t know if because I was influenced by alcohol or if he actually was. We talked for the rest of the night and by the time everyone was leaving he gave me his phone number, or maybe I asked for it, can’t really remember. And that was my problem, I couldn’t remember.

Next morning me and Paola woke up really early because we were going to Hamburg for the weekend and we couldn’t feel any worst. I have never seen Paola with such a hangover, her skin was dead white, and she was a really tanned person. My head was hurting, I had a small clue about talking to some guy the night before and a tiny idea that at some point of the night Paola was laying on the grass outside saying that she belong to the nature. I should definitely consider stop drinking. We had the worst journey to Hamburg ever, we couldn’t talk, we couldn’t eat, we were just dead in the train and when we arrived to Hamburg there was a girl, Paola’s friend, that we were going to help moving some stuff for her new house.

By the time we arrived to her place I took my phone and there it was, on my screen, a phone number saved as “Cute Mark Party”.

- Mami…I have Mark’s number. — I told Paola.

- What? Really? Oh yes, I remember you two talking yesterday!

- Yes, but I couldn’t remember if I actually got his number or if I was hallucinating.

- Apparently you have it, are you going to write to him?

- No, I don’t have credit on my phone now.

- Ok, so he should write you, he will.

It was the most awkward weekend I have ever spent with Paola and we couldn’t wait to go back to Hannover. Sunday afternoon we were back and went directly to my room where Daniel was.

- Daniel! Olive has Mark’s number! — Paola said to Daniel. — she has to go on a date with him!

- Oh, yes, you do!

- Come on, guys, he didn’t even wrote to me yet, maybe he is not interested.

- Fucker, come on, he talked to you all night, he did the cheesy coin move on you and you think he is not interested? — Daniel asked.

- Ok, so if he is he will write, no biggy.

- Why don’t you write to him, then? — Daniel said.

- Should I?

- Why not?

So I wrote to Mark, I didn’t thought it would actually work and I wasn’t expecting anything back but then…

- he answered! — Paola saw in my Facebook that was open in my computer while I was using it on my phone.

- Ok, ok, let’s see.

- Oh, he wants to go on date! Look what he wrote!

“We can go discover Hannover together”, oh my God, he was so cheesy.

- Ok, what should I say?

- Say yes! Come on, go on a date! Come on.

- I don’t know…

- Come on! Go!

Done. I was going on a date with Mark, the first actual date in a long time. I had even forgotten how dates worked, I wasn’t used to the rules involved on going on a date any more.

A week passed and it was time for my date with Mark. We were making such a big deal out of it, I was having a full makeover with Paola, we even went shopping for clothes, Daniel was talking about it with us like he was also a girl, like we were all excited about it. Olive was going on a date, that was our subject.

It was a Sunday and we had a birthday dinner and only after that I was going to meet Mark.

I met with him at the main station and there he was, all cute and well dressed, like a pretty little man. This was such an awkward feeling. We went for some beers and later we went to a huge park and sat down on the grass. It was really windy and cold and my hair was flying all over, I was struggling to take it out of the way but, as I am already used to, a hair came to my eye. This was starting to feel like a romantic movie scene and I wasn’t used to that.

- What is wrong? — Mark asked.

- I have something in my eye. — I REALLY did!

- Here, let me see. — …Oh my God… — You have a hair. — And he took it off.

His face was about five centimeters away from my face and, just like it would happen in a movie when the distance between faces is so small, he kissed me.

I decided to spend my birthday in Hannover, because Paola had really good ideas for it, so at the second of January I arrived to Germany. Paola, Daniel, Rupert, Ricky and another friend of Paola went to pick me up. We were really excited about the hippy party we had planned for next day and the girls went to buy some clothes to wear, since we had to dress like true hippies. We arrived to the dormitory and spent some quality time in the kitchen, along with Jacobo and Joey, who was a Chinese guy that lived there as well and the coolest Chinese person I have ever met!

It felt to so good to be back, everything was so right in Hannover, no matter what troubles I had I knew I could always count on Paola. I don’t know if it was because of the place I lived, the people I met or simply because I was an Erasmus student, but the whole time I was there I didn’t felt it was part of my academic year. It was my final bachelor year and I was learning more outside of school than inside. But I guess that is what the Erasmus experience is all about, not about working hard for school and having the best grades, Erasmus is about exploring, meeting new people, falling in love, living different cultures, and that was my passion at the moment. I didn’t care about the History of Theater or the technical construction of a set, right now I wanted to learn about myself, get to know myself and let myself fall in love for persons I could never meet if I weren’t there.

There was no way to explain the affection I felt for Paola and Daniel, it was beyond explanation. I saw a brother and a sister in them, they were no longer just neighbors or friends, they were part of my family, they knew the deepest details of my life and I knew theirs. We didn’t need words to communicate any more, we understood each other only by looking.

It was the third of January of 2014, my birthday. I woke up that morning feeling ready to party, I was turning twenty-one and I felt invincible that morning. Daniel was sleeping so I tried my best not to make much noise, I took a shower, started dressing when suddenly my door opens in a really fast and strong movement and, if I could write in slow motion, you would see h o w t h e d o or p a s … just kidding, how the door passed my face with about one centimeter distance, it would definitely break my nose if it had touched me.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! — Paola, Rupert and Emilie (a friend of Paola) screamed.

- Oh my God, you almost broke my nose! THANK YOU!

- Happy Birthday, Mami. — said Paola, hugging me.

- Eeehh, Happy Birthday player! — Daniel was suddenly up. — I was awake for a long time but I was pretending to sleep to scare you but they did it first!

- Thanks a lot, fucker! — I laughed. Maybe because of our close relationship, me and Daniel called ourselves fucker or player, not to offend, but because we knew each other too well.

It was time to do some shopping and get everything ready for the party later that night. Rum, vodka, wine, beer, tequila and marijuana was the menu that night. We all dressed up in really colorful clothes, flowers, necklaces, rings, fake tattoos, peace signs every where. We were ready.

Downstairs, in the dormitory’s party room, everything was settled. The alcohol was on the fridge, Daniel’s bong made with a plastic bottle was ready and people were starting to arrive. It was going to be a funky night.

Before I could notice everyone was getting drunk and high in such a speed I could barely follow up what was happening, until I saw Paola and Emilie entering the room with a giant flower made out of foam-board and so I realized…it was a piñata.

- Oh, no… — I said.

- Oh, yes! You know what it is! — Paola said, making fun of me.

- Nooo, come on. A piñata, really?

- Yes! Come on, you have to break it!

- Oh God, with what? — I couldn’t believe I was going to do that.

- Here, there’s a broom. Use it!

Daniel was standing on top of the billiard table holding the piñata, ready for me to kick it. They made me give twenty-one turns and they covered my eyes. I was feeling dizzy, not only due to the turns but because I was drunk and high, and I had no idea where the piñata was, so I started kicking the broom everywhere.

- No, to the left! — everyone screamed.

- Which left?

- Now right.

- A little bit in front and then left.

- No, not there!

- Ah, you kicked me! — Daniel said.

- No, go back!

- Right!

- Left!

- MORE LEFT!

It was pointless, we could stay there forever and I would take eternity to hit it, but then:

[PAAMM]

- There! You hit it! Good! There!

I was hitting it the harder I could until I heard it breaking and releasing everything that was inside to the floor. I uncovered my eyes and there it was, all the candies spread on the floor. But wait, there weren’t only candies there, were that…no. Were those condoms?

- Mami, are these condoms?? — I asked.

-Yes! Of course, and you have to use them all before you leave Germany.

- There are like a hundred condoms in here, Mami!

- That’s right! A lot of work to do, Mami!

- Let’s go, fucker! — Daniel laughed.

- God, you two are terrible.

It wasn’t that late when I started feeling like the room was spinning and that was the sign, I was already too drunk. I stood up and started walking to go to my room, everything was spinning and my head was a helicopter. The party room was on the ground-floor and my room was on the third floor, I had to make it somehow. I reached the stairs and as I was going up I fell. But the good thing about being drunk is that you don’t feel any pain. I fell right on my knees in the corner of the step but I stood up and continued like nothing happened. I reached my room and laid down on my bed, I knew exactly what I needed in those situations, just lay down for a couple of minutes, put some fresh water of my face, make the helicopter go away and done, ready to go back. And that was exactly what happened, I slept for about thirty minutes and woke up as new! But of course I can never make the right decision in a situation like that. The right decision would be to stay in bed, sleep and wake up next morning with a medium hangover, nothing bad. But no, it was my birthday so I had to continue the party. I went back downstairs and drunk more, and smoked more…drunk, smoked. Now it was it. “Not feeling that invincible now, right?”, I thought.

After a long night of drinking, smoking, taking Emilie to the train station at eight in the morning and coming back home, I slept. Of course that next morning’s hangover wasn’t medium at all, if I had at least stayed in bed when I should have stayed.

- Paola, I am going to see my grandfather in Luxembourg. Would you like to join me? — I asked.

- Yes! When?

- Like a weekend, so we don’t miss classes.

- Oh cool! Yes, let’s go.

Before I knew we were packing our bags and going to Luxembourg. It was so amazing to travel with Paola. We had everything we needed for a good journey, which was going to take nine hours and it was over the night. In our hand bag we had infinite sandwiches, beer and tobacco, nothing could go wrong! After four hours of journey and changing trains we stopped in Trier, a German city right next to the frontier with Luxembourg.

- Ok, now we have to wait four hours until the train that goes to Luxembourg. — Paola said, she was the one controlling all the stops and changes we had to do.

- Damn, four hours?!

We were in Trier’s main station and there was nothing there. It was around 1 a.m. so everything was closed, not even the main building was open, there was almost no one in the station and it was freezing cold.

- Mami — how me and Paola used to call each other. — I need to pee.

-What?! Now? — I laughed.

- Yes, I really need to pee.

- Ok, there must be some toilet here.

We looked for some toilets, but nothing, absolutely nothing.

- Ok, I will have to go outside, somewhere, and do it. I can’t handle it anymore!

I couldn’t help laughing, it was the most ironic situation. We were trapped for four hours in a train station with no toilets, at 1 a.m. and a zero degrees temperature.

Paola went outside and I stayed in the platform taking care of our bags. 10 minutes later I couldn’t feel my feet, they were just frozen.

- There is a train coming! — Paola said.

- Oh, you think it’s ours?

- I hope so! I am freezing!

- Ok, let’s ask.

There was a man standing next to the train. Paola asked in German.

- Entschuldigung Sie mich, ist das der Zug nach Luxembourg?

- Ja, ja, das ist es. — The man said.

- Können wir reingehen?

- Ja, klar, aber es wird nur in 30 Minuten verlassen.

- Ok, vielen Dank! Ok, let’s go inside, this is the one. But the man said it will only leave in 30 minutes. — Paola explained, since my German wasn’t that good.

- Perfect, at least it is warm inside!

Finally we could sit down in a warm place, in about 2 hours we would arrive to Luxembourg and I was feeling so tired I could barely have the strength to imagine seeing my Grandfather again.

Two hours later we woke up and, there we were, Luxembourg, finally! We took our bags and went outside to look for my Grandpa who would be waiting for us there, although his house was only about 10 minutes from there, he was the true gentleman and no way he was leaving two girls walk alone at six in the morning.

- There he is, on the top of the stairs. I told you he was big.

And there he stood. My Grandfather was a really tall man, around 1,80 meters and not only that but he had a lot of volume, so to say. His great belly called all the attention when he putted his hands on his waist, in the typical manly waiting pose.

- Hello Grandpa!

- There you two are! Long journey, ham?

- Yes, yes, definitely. Grandpa, this is Paola, the friend I told you about. She lives with me in the dormitory.

- Hello, Paola. So, first time in Luxembourg?

- Hello! Yes, first time. — she said with a smile.

- Ok, let’s go home then. What do you want to do today?

- Oh Grandpa, I think we will sleep now a little bit, because we left Hannover at six p.m. and didn’t have the change to sleep properly yet.

- Ok, so let’s go.

We arrived home and I couldn’t believe: a bed! I can’t remember putting my bag on the floor or even dressing my pajama, I think we just fell into bed and slept, slept, slept…slept.

Eight hours later we woke up.

- Damn, the first thing we do in Luxembourg is sleep! What a waist of time.

- Yes, that is true, but we can still do something.

We took a bus to the center of the city, I could still remember some things from the last time I was there. It was getting dark but because it was Christmas time, everything was full of lights and there was people all over. There was a big Christmas market in town and we took a look to a little bit of everything. I showed Paola the center and we walked through the Bock Casemates before we went back home.

It felt really good to take a friend to meet a part of my family. I was never the girl who took a lot of people to my home, but I always took the ones I really like. Maybe because being home is such a personal time for me, I like to share it with people I trust. At least when it comes to “home” as the place where my family lives. Although lately I was finding myself divided between homes. Having Paola there was something that really mattered for me.

The second day in Luxembourg we decided to go and have dinner with some other members of my family. Me, Paola and my Grandpa joined my uncle (which was actually my Grandfather’s uncle), my aunt (my Grandfather’s sister) and her daughter, my cousin.

My uncle, João, was 83 years old but it was amazing how well shaped he was! I have never met an elder person with as many girlfriends as he does and flirting as he does. My aunt was more familiar to me, because she lives in Portugal and was always very present in my life, she is a really intelligent person and really lovely, almost impossible not to like her. My cousin, Xana, in the other hand, was the one who saved the night. Although it was really nice to have dinner with all of them, even at the moment when Paola went to the toilet and my uncle João said “She has fox eyes!” and I had to be sure he wasn’t going to make a move on her, Xana was younger and she knew exactly what we needed.

- Ok, people, the dinner was really good but tonight I am taking these girls out. — Xana said.

- Out? What do you mean, take them out? — My Grandfather asked.

- Come on, you think two young girls like them are going home on a Friday night and watch TV with an old man like you? — she said, smiling. Xana and my Grandfather had a really close relationship.

- Ok, so can we go also? — he asked.

- Of course, I think they will love to go out with three elder people and have to control their drinks. It will be super fun for them. — At this time I was just laughing to myself. — NO! Of course not, I am going with them and I will drive them home, don’t worry.

And so we did. We left the restaurant and headed to the centre where all the bars were. I had never went out in Luxembourg so that would be good.

We changed bars like five times and in each bar we had a drink, danced a little bit and leave. It the second bar we stopped Paola asked for twenty shots of tequila for the three of us, but my cousin was driving so she had only one shot. The result: eight and a half shots for each, me and Paola, and what I most feared, getting drunk and having to go to my Grandfather’s place.

It was like all the starts were aligned for me that night. As I opened the door of the apartment, after Xana left us at home, I hoped that my Grandfather would be sleeping so I could just go straight to bed, but no.

- Hello, Grandpa! You are awake still? — there he was, sitting on the sofa at three in the morning watching television as if it was the most normal thing on earth.

- Hello, yes, I couldn’t sleep.

I was trying to sound as sober as I could. — You weren’t waiting for us, right? — Of course he was.

- No, no, I just couldn’t sleep. How was it?

- It was fun, Grandpa. — I was fighting with my legs so they would stay straight but seeing Paola in the background laughing her face off watching me talking drunk with my Grandfather was really making the things more difficult. — I think I will go to sleep now, Grandpa.

- Good night, then!

- Damn…can’t believe I survived these three minutes. — I said when we entered the room and Paola was just laughing.

- Let’s go have a cigarette in the balcony.

The days in Luxembourg went really fast and Sunday we were getting ready to go back to Hannover. Those three days were really funny but we were actually missing the student life that we had in Hannover and not looking forward the nine hours travel back home.

That day at night we arrived to the dormitory again and as we entered we heard Daniel’s and Jacobo’s voices coming from Jacobo’s room. We went there, carrying our bags, and they were playing computer games like two little kids.

- Girls, you’re back! — said Jacobo.

Jacobo and Daniel were a lot of times mad with each other, but when they weren't, they were really good friends.

- Yes, finally!

- How was it? — the guys asked.

- It was nice, let is just put our bags in our rooms and we will come here, smoke and tell you all about it!

We spent the rest of the night smoking funny things and telling them all about Luxembourg. We went really well along with each other, the four of us, and this night, along with all the others we spent together, will forever remain in my memory as some of the most happy moments in my life.

Two weeks later and I was preparing to go to Portugal for Christmas. It was that time of the year that I had to spend with my family, no matter what. However, a part of me wanted to stay in Hannover. It was getting harder and harder to be away from Paola and Daniel, it was starting to feel too much and I knew if it continued like that, it would be even harder to say goodbye when the academic year ended. But it was still too soon to think about that. For now it was only Christmas break and I would be coming back in two weeks. My flight was at five in the morning so we decided to stay up all night since I had to take the train around three. Paola and Ricky joined me that night since they were going to take me to the airport. The only way we found to manage to stay awake for so long was to have some beers and smoke grass. At a half past two we left home with Daniel, who was just helping carrying the bags but wouldn’t be going to the airport. Although I was really melancholic to go, I was feeling too high to be sentimental and I was just laughing at everything I saw, along with Ricky and Paola.

It was the most awkward time I ever had in an airport and passing the security while being high was the worst mental trip I ever had.

Portugal was sunny as always! Cold, but sunny. My parents picked me up in the airport and I couldn’t believe I was home! It felt good to be back, better than I expected. It was time to see all my family, the friends I left back and maybe try some small rehab. I could try that.

Christmas days came and we had a full house! My whole family went to spend Christmas at my place so it was that familiar environment I was used to, but not the environment I would have in Hannover. I already missed people there and my little room. Although my room in Portugal was way bigger, it didn’t have the same spirit. It was like both rooms represented a different person, the person I was before going to Germany in the room in Portugal, and the person I was becoming in the room in Hannover. I was starting to feel more at home in Hannover then in Portugal and that was a scary feeling, not because Portugal was my home country but because I knew my time in Hannover had a limit.

We were finally behaving like normal and active people again: we were hanging out in the kitchen, hanging out with the rest of the people living there, spending time with Paola, eating loads of junk food and watching infinite movies. My classes had already started so I had to divide my time between school and home (although I only had about three to four classes a week), every time I had to go to school I just couldn’t wait to go home and be with my friends, especially with Paola and Daniel, the Stuller brothers.

I was spending my whole time with them and I couldn’t get enough, they were becoming like my brothers and I was having a really good time with them.

I missed my friends in Portugal, I missed feeling at home with them, but there was something about the Stullers, Paola and Daniel, that made me feel like I belong with them. Paola was the most genuine girl I have ever met and I saw a sister in her, there was nothing I needed to hide from her, nothing to be ashamed, she accepted me in her life with so much care, and for me was impossible to imagine my time in Hanover without her. She was my shoulder every time I felt sad, she was my laughter when I couldn’t hold it anymore. Paola was more than being there every time something went wrong, she was the person to count on every time something happened, good or bad. I shared everything with her, from crying to laughing until my stomach hurt. She was my soul mate, the friend I never expected I will find but deep down hoped for it. And she arrived to my life without any warning, she just bumped like that and it was the best thing that could happen to me, and in the perfect moment. Daniel was another type of friend, he was the one to make me forget about my problems, he would totally ignore whatever crying I would do about something and say “come on Olive, just forget it. Don’t think about it anymore, here, have a drink”, and somehow he always managed to make me forget about things.

Paola had a boyfriend, Rupert. Rupert was German, from the south, he was a really quiet guy but really nice. I didn’t know him so well but it was really curious to see them together, especially every time there was a party. Paola was this Latino soul, everything about her emanated freedom, in every way, she would spent the whole party talking with everyone, dancing and laughing. I saw Rupert as a controlled version of Paola, he seemed to be very shy, but I think that was the cute thing about them, somehow they fitted each other perfectly, what one missed the other had, they completed each other through my eyes. They were a really cute couple and it was adorable the way Rupert looked at Paola, you could see how much he cared about her.

In the meanwhile, things at home were a bit calmer. Daniel seemed to be getting over Luna, and that made everyone else stopped talking about it all the time and making a huge deal out of it. Everything was getting more easy-going, we were spending time not only the three of us, but with others as well. We used to visit Jacobo in his room as well, now that he and Daniel seemed to be over their problems. We had a really good time and spent night after night talking about everything.

- Olive, you need to start speaking Spanish with us. You must at least understand us, right? — said Jacobo.

- Yes, it would be so much easier, we could make jokes in Spanish! — said Paola, starting to feel excited.

- Actually… — I started. — I can speak Spanish.

- What? Really? Why didn’t you said so before? — Paola asked.

- Because I have a really funny accent and I don’t want you to make fun of me!

- Come on! We won’t make fun, we swear! Right, guys?

- Yes, yes, we won’t! — Daniel and Jacobo said.

So I started talking Spanish with them, trying to remember all the words and not to confuse them with Portuguese. It was weird to speak Spanish because I knew I had a really funny accent.

- Oh, it is so sweet! You have a Portuguese accent! — Paola said, looking really happy about it.

- Oh come on, I knew it!

- But its fine, it sounds really sweet when someone is talking our language, nothing to be ashamed of!

I couldn’t feel any better.

As the time passed I started to know some more people, especially some of Paola’s friends. It was a Monday morning and me and Paola had this lecture at school where the teachers were going to talk about the extra-courses available for the students. I met with her in the train station my coincidence, as we were both going to the same place. We both studied Design, I studied Stage Design and Paola studied Product Design, which was in the same building.

We arrived to Expo Plaza, were our Faculty was, and Paola met a friend of her.

- Olive, this is Ricky! I met her last year in one of the extra-courses.

- Hey, I’m Olive, nice to meet you!

- Hey, I’m Ricky, how are you?

- I am fine, thank you!

Ricky was a lovely girl. She was short in size but her energy compensate for it! She had short dark hair with the cutest bangs, really light skin, almost as she was made out of porcelain. Her super red lipstick gave her a really fancy but charming look.

It was the 28th of October and I was with Paola and Ricky preparing a little surprise for Daniel since tomorrow was his birthday. He was the older from the four of us and that year he was turning 26. We bought him a remote control car, although he was the older one he was also the one with the most childish soul, in a good way! Daniel always reminded me not to forget our child side and that it can sometimes be our purest side. Along with the car, we prepared our favorite cake, marshmallow cake, and a little box with a lot of memories, including a little pokemon toy and some candies.

We sang happy birthday at midnight but decided to leave the rest of the surprise for later and it wasn’t until the end of the day that we manage to prepare everything in Paola’s room: the decoration, the cake, beers — everything was ready to go, we were just missing Daniel, who was in my room.

- Ok, so, how are you getting him to come here? — asked Ricky.

- I can go just call him. — I said.

- Yes, but you know him, he will say he will come and he will take like an hour to come! — said Paola, who was totally right.

- Ok, so I will go and say that you are not feeling well. That way he will come for sure.

- Can you say it without laughing?

- I guess so. — I laughed. Although I studied theater for three years, acting wasn’t my biggest skill.

- Ok, ok, go then!

As I walked to my room I tried to make my face look serious, but it wasn’t that easy.

- Daniel, you have to come really quickly! Paola is not feeling so well and I don’t know what to do!

- Are you messing with me Olive? — said Daniel, smiling at me.

- No! No, I am not! Really, you have to come! — it was really hard not to laugh.

- Olive…come on, you are messing with me!

- No, no, no! I am not, just get up and come, I am serious! — I tried to make myself more convincing by walking towards the door.

Daniel stood up laughing at me.

- I still don’t believe you, but ok, let’s go.

- I am not joking, really, just come. — and I grabbed his arm and pushed him to Paola’s room.

We got there and as I opened the door…

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! — we all screamed.

I guess I didn’t expect Daniel’s reaction. I knew he will be happy, of course, but as we screamed Happy Birthday he hugged Paola really hard. I have never seen him like that before. I was smiling at them and my heart melted, as he hugged Paola he had tears in his eyes. Daniel was a really sweet guy but always hide that side of him, always making everyone believe he was just tough and hard. But in that moment I could see him, I could see his eyes and how emotional he got to see that small surprise we had prepared for him.

- Thank you, girls. It’s awesome. — he said.

- Ok, stop that sentimental crap, you will make me cry!

I didn’t know what was going on. For almost two weeks we didn’t left Daniel’s room, we almost didn’t eat, we slept during the day and woke up at night, when we went back to our infinite and nonsense conversations and infinite movies. My classes hadn’t start yet so I was totally free. But I didn’t feel free, I felt the opposite. I had too much information going on in my head to be free, I wasn’t doing anything productive, I was just staying there feeling depressed with Daniel. Neither of us was trying to feel better, it was like we wanted to be apart from everything around us, apart from reality, so we were living totally out of it. Paola came by sometimes to check on us, and she’d stay for some hours talking with us, and those moments were to healthiest ones. She arrived with such a good vibe that made my dead behavior change the second she entered the door. But the moment she left and there was just me and Daniel again, it was like those cloudy days when the sun appears through the clouds but then a bigger one comes and covers the sun. I was feeling totally useless, for me or for Daniel. I wasn’t helping him at all, I wasn’t even helping myself. The worst thing is that I didn’t want to, somehow I felt good being sheltered in that room, away from the talks, away from the looks, away from my room that contained so many memories from Portugal. The best thing, I felt far away from any feeling of guilt.

It was middle of the week, Wednesday most likely, around 9 a.m. Me and Daniel were awake. I remember we were tired because we were the whole night awake and our sleeping schedules were totally messy, and that morning we were finally feeling the weight of sleep in our eyes. We would probably go to sleep if it wasn’t for the loud bell that suddenly rang in Daniel’s room.

- What the hell… — said Daniel, jumping from his bed and picking up the phone to see who was ringing. — Hallo?

His expression changed really quickly and it was obvious he was not expecting whoever was ringing the bell.

- Hey! Hola Rodrigo! Que tal? — Daniel said. — si si, claro, perdón, subi! Te abro la puerta…Damn.

- What’s the matter? — I asked.

- I forgot the owner of the room was coming back today. — Daniel said as he quickly started to pack everything he had in the room, which was a lot.

- Wait, what? Right now?

- Yes, so I have to pack really quickly to give him the room back.

- Ok, ok, I can help you.

We were suddenly really stressed out trying to pack everything when Rodrigo arrived.

- Hey, Rodrigo! Que tal Cuba? Oh, this is Olive, she is living here as well.

- Hey, I’m Rodrigo, nice to meet you! — he said. Rodrigo was a short guy but fit. He had really dark and really curly hair which I could notice he made even curlier by using some extra strong hair gel. He had tanned skin and by his accent I could tell he was from Latin America as well.

- Hey, nice to meet you too!

- Ok, I’m really sorry I didn’t pack yet, but I will take everything out reall fast so you can put your stuff back. — said Daniel while moving really fast.

I started taking some of his pillows and blankets out but I didn’t knew where to put them. Daniel didn’t had any other room in that dormitory, where was he going? I waited until Rodrigo wasn’t there to ask Daniel where was he going to stay.

- I don’t know yet, I will see. For now I will just leave my luggage in the laundry room. — he told me.

“In the laundry room”? I thought. I wasn’t going to let him leave his things in the laundry room.

- Ok, Daniel, just put your bags in my room, you can leave them there while you figure out where you’re going, don’t worry.

- Are you sure? I have a few things.

- Yes, no problem, just leave them there. I have to go to take care of some stuff today but you can stay around in my room, no problem.

- Ok, thanks a lot.

I helped him put everything in my room and then I left. It was the first time in two weeks I was leaving home and some fresh air made all the difference. I needed some different environment and it was those few hours outside that made me realize that being stuck in Daniel’s room wasn’t the solution. Anyway, apparently he didn’t had that room anymore so I thought my problem was over. I was going to start living like a normal person and not like a leech.

I came back home and it was weird seeing my room full of things that weren't mine, especially since my room was totally empty because I hadn’t had the chance to make it look like my room instead of an hotel room. Daniel wasn’t there so I figured he would be with his sister, Paola. I didn’t know what exactly was going to happen, I had offered Daniel to leave his things in my room and by that I also meant he could stay there until he figured where to go, but we hadn’t been clear about that. Maybe he was going to stay with Paola, I knew they lived together before so that could be the case. I went to Paola’s room and they were both there, watching TV, so I joined them. There was something really comfy about being with Paola and Daniel, a very familiar feeling like there was nothing to hide from them or nothing to fear. I felt like I was supposed to be there, that it was my place, and both of them made me feel very welcome. I was starting to feel closer and closer to them, I was starting to like them a lot and deep inside, I was afraid that feeling could be too strong for such a short period of time. There was something about them that made me respect them a lot.

We spent the whole day together, watching TV and talking, but I still had the question in my mind about where Daniel was going to live. Maybe due to my fear of improvisation I was having a lot of trouble thinking that he didn’t had any place to stay from one day to another. When I found myself and Paola alone for a moment I decided to ask her.

- Paola, where is Daniel going to live now?

She smiled as she was waiting for that question. — I don’t know, he says he has another place to live, but I don’t know anything about it, so I don’t know.

- I thought he was going to stay with you.

- No, we lived together before but I think I need my own space now. Again, don’t take me wrong, but I really need and want to focus on my studies now and living with my brother won’t help.

- Yes, it’s normal. Would you mind if I offer him to stay in my room?

- No, not at all. It is your decision, just make sure you know what you are doing.

- Yes, don’t worry.

And so it was, at night, when Paola decided to go to sleep and Daniel and I left her room, we walked all the way through the corridor to my room without a word. I wanted to tell him that it was fine that he stayed there, but at the same time I didn’t want to be awkward about it, or make it seem that I was thinking too much about it, which I was, but I didn’t want him to know about that. So we went to my room, and just behaved like it was nothing, like we had behaved for the past two weeks. Honestly, it wasn’t such a big deal. I had spent the last two weeks in his room with no problem, so it was going to be just the same, only this time we couldn’t go away, this time there was just one room. Even though I had that mess going on in my head, I couldn’t help feeling really happy to have some company. I didn’t felt so lonely as I did when I first arrived. I didn’t need someone talking to me the whole time, I just needed to feel some presence with me, I needed to feel that I wasn’t the only living thing in that room and Daniel’s presence made me feel much better.

Someone knocked on my door and I felt surprised, after two weeks there no one ever knocked on my door and it felt strange but curious at the same time. I didn’t know anyone in my dormitory, unless for that first guy I met which turned out to be a bit strange and creepy. I was avoiding getting to know him. I opened. A boy and a girl were standing, I can’t remember details about the girl but I remember the boy as it was today. He was a handsome dark browned hair, black intensive eyes and gorgeous smile. He was well dressed, with a black shirt and a look of bad boy that fitted him really good.

- Hey! I’m Daniel, she is Renata and you are new here, right? — he asked. I guess I was still surprised that someone knocked my room and it took me a while to give him an answer.

- Hamm, yes, I am. I’m Olive, hey.

- I just wanted to let you know that we are getting together in the kitchen with some people from here to drink something and if you want to join us and get to know the people it could be good, if you like.

- Oh, thank you, but I just came back home…

- You are not staying alone in your room on a Friday night! Come on… — he said, interrupting my stupid future excuse and making me laugh for it.

- Yes, sure, I will join, thank you so much.

- So, see you there? Like in half an hour.

- Yes, count me in.

As I closed the door I felt so nervous and happy at the same time. Finally my time in that house was starting to get interesting and I couldn't wait to do some more friends. I never thought that it was going to be that night where everything would start and my whole life would change. I got ready to go and meet Daniel and Renata in the kitchen, I had no idea who the others would be but I was hoping they liked me and that I liked them, I waited in my room until I start hearing people in the kitchen, my room was right next to it, and I didn't want to do and sit there alone. It didn't took long until I started hearing people talking and laughing, so I left my room.

The kitchen wasn't that big but it had enough place to join some people together, sit and have a good time there. It was painted green, with one big couch and a smaller one, a TV, to big grey fridges and the respective lockers for each student. The table was already set with a lot of alcohol and cards and everyone was sitting around it.

- Here you are! — Daniel said — so, I guess English is what you speak right?

- Yes, I speak no German at all.

- Ok, so, everyone: this is Olive, from…where are you from?

- Portugal — I said.

- Portuguese! Cool, this is Renata, you met her, from Spain, Amanda also from Spain, Luna is Italian and I am Latino. We all speak Spanish but don’t worry, we speak English also.

Renata was a really skinny girl, short, big eyes and her brown hair looked really well treated and shinny. Amanda and Luna were both really beautiful girls but Luna caught my attention especially because of her smile. She had the most beautiful and sweet smile I've ever seen and beautiful green eyes.

- Don’t you speak Spanish? Because you are near Spain. — Amanda asked.

- I understand very well but I don’t speak so well — I lied. I could speak Spanish really well but I didn't spoke it for a long time so I preferred not to embarrass myself.

- No problem, don’t worry, we are all international here! — she said, trying to make me comfortable.

- So, Olive, sit down and do you want something to drink? — asked Daniel. He was the only man there and it looked like he had everything under control and that everyone putted him in charge of the fun, which made sense since he had a lot of energy apparently.

- Yes, thank you, I’m sorry I didn't bring anything but I wasn't expecting — actually, I wasn't used to drink that much so it really didn't crossed my mind.

- Ok, so if you don’t mind I will prepare you a drink.

- Uh, of course, you always make everyone drink! Be nice with her, Daniel! — said Amanda, with a smile.

- Yo siempre soy bueno con la gente, Mandi! — he said and winked at the same time.

He took a bottle that contained something I had no idea what it was and he mixed it with coca-cola and ice in a big glass.

- Ok, try it, I hope you like it and let’s start!

It tasted really good but strong. The smell of coca-cola made me drink it really well and actually enjoy it.

- So, we are going to play a drinking game — I will teach you, Olive, don’t worry! — but Luna, it’s your game so you explain better.

- Oh no, mi ingles es muy malo! It’s too bad, my English. But ok. So, the game is “the kings” and every card has a meaning. The ones you need to memorize is number four, which means you have to touch the floor and the last one to touch it has to drink, and number seven , which is the same but you have to touch the heaven, so just put your arm up.

Daniel looked really excited!

- The rest you’ll get as the game goes.

A tall blond boy appeared in the kitchen. He had really long hair for a boy and an awkward look.

- Hey Andreas! You joined us! — Daniel said. — Everyone, this is Andreas. He is also new here, sit down!

Andreas sited next to me. We started playing and yes, they were right, it was indeed a drinking game and I saw myself drinking a lot without noticing.

It was really good to be there and I was having a lot of fun with them, everyone was really nice. It looked like Daniel and Luna had a thing and it made all the sense for me, they looked like the cutest couple in the world and the chemistry between them was obvious. We were there for hours and I didn't notice the time — or the alcohol — passing.

At about four or five in the morning we started getting ready to sleep and as I stood up I felt really dizzy and sick. I was feeling really happy at the same time, more than usual. I was more drunk that I ever was in my life. I opened the window to take some fresh air but I couldn't hold it. I threw up right there in the window of the third floor but no one noticed except for Luna, who even offered me a glass of water. Everyone went to sleep and so did I. next morning I woke up with voices in the corridor and I decided to join them, it was the same people as yesterday. They received me very well and that was how I met the Max Eythstraße crew, as they called themselves. It was starting to feel like my best time, I was more free that I ever was and I was starting to get use to that life. It was going to be difficult to take that away from me now. Those 2 weeks of Holidays looked like the longest ones, but because so many things were happening, so many different things that scared me so much in the beginning but made me feel so good now. The group of people I met looked like my new family, they took me with their arms opened and we did everything together. I didn't felt lonely anymore.

Everything was going great but there was something hunting the most of us Luna was ending her time in Hannover and she had to go back to Italy. No one talked about it, we wanted to enjoy our time while she was still here. Although I didn't know her for so long, her coming back to Italy was also disturbing me, she was one of the first persons that treated me as a member of that big family and somehow, her smile was addicting.

We were usually getting together in the kitchen or in someone’s room. I had just got home and I joined the voices of Daniel and Luna in the room number 36, Jacobo’s room, a Spanish guy that was, apparently, a good friend of them. When I got inside I saw a face I didn't knew.

- hey Olive! — said Daniel. — remember I told you about my sister? Here she is, Paola.

- Hello, I’m Olive!

Paola was wearing a colorful pajama and a ponytail; she had really tanned skin and intensive brown eyes. She looked similar to Daniel but with softer expressions. Although Daniel was a handsome man, he had a few scars and skin marks that gave him a rebel look. The tattoos on his body and the fingers with fighting marks didn't help softening it.

- Hey, I’m Paola, how are you? — Paola said.

- Good, thank you, and you? — I instantly liked her. She was a smiley girl but what I most noticed was the way she was able to smile not only with her lips, but with her eyes also. It was amazingly friendly and I don’t know if she even realized it.

- I’m fine also — she said, smiling, of course. She had a small plastic bag in her hand full of colorful bracelets. — Here, have one bracelet from my country.

- Now you are part of the Max Eythstraße crew with no doubts! — said Jacobo, with his well pronounced Spanglish.

I put the bracelet in my arm and wished that it would, somehow, mean something in my future year in Hannover, without knowing the meaning it would still have and that I would still be wearing it.

It was Jacobo’s birthday. He was a tall man, with dark wild hair and really hard expressions. He looked always tired but friendly and older than the most of us, which he actually was. We were preparing a surprise party for his birthday and everyone was busy with something. At night, we were all together in the kitchen decorating, preparing the cakes and the drinks. The kitchen was more colorful than ever: there were happy photos taped on the wall, big happy letters saying “feliz cumple Jacobo”, a big poster of a Bob Marley version of Jacobo and everyone was with a great mood and anxious for the party. It was my first official party with the M8 (Max Eythstraße, number 8) crew. After the surprise and as the party went on, everyone was getting drunk and really high. A mix of laughs, happy screams and exciting people was filling the kitchen and the abusive consume of alcohol and drugs as well. We were higher than a flying airplane.

As we left the dormitory, walking to the station, everyone was in their own trip but at the same time all in the same spirit. I was finally feeling home and that I was finding a new family, step by step.

- Come on, soldiers! — Daniel, screamed. — Let’s go dance! Come on, soldiers!

He was getting wild in his drunkenness and highness and all of us joined him.

- Let’s go! — we all screamed.

The previous night was a lot of fun but Luna was leaving Hannover. Her goodbye was affecting a lot of people but the most affected one was Daniel. He was, usually, a happy person but I could notice that that goodbye was tearing him apart. Me, Renata, Amanda, Daniel and a few other people decided to do a surprise gift for her. Strangely, Paola didn't participate so much, which I thought was weird because she was usually very excited about that kind of thing and was known for being really helpful and participative.

That night we gave Luna her gift, she was leaving the next morning and didn't want any goodbye party. We spent some time with her and then decided to leave her with Daniel so they could have some time alone before she left. I felt really bad for him somehow.

Next morning I woke up with the feeling that there was already one of us missing. I went to the kitchen to cook and there was Paola. Paola was probably the most beautiful girl in that house, everything looked good on her, she had the perfect eyes, the perfect face and a perfect sense of what to wear. Not only that, but her behavior was so natural and joyful that it was impossible for me not to be happy just to see her. She had a beautiful aura.

- Good morning, Paola! — I said.

- Hey, good morning! — she said and smiled.

- It’s really sad that Luna left, right?

- Hm, yes. — she said. But there was something about her face that didn't truly meant it.

- She was really nice. And I guess your brother must be really sad.

- It’s better this way. — she said.

- Why, better?

- Come on, she had a boyfriend back in Italy.

- Wait…what? — it felt like a soap opera suddenly. — she had a boyfriend and Daniel at the same time?

- Yes, she had a boyfriend and was with Daniel, so, I don’t think it was bad that she left. He is better without her. He needs that.

- Oh, shit. I didn't thought about that. It’s shit.

Suddenly, Luna didn't seem as pleasant as I thought she was. I didn't know what to feel for Daniel, he was so sad and depressed. I didn't know if to feel pity or to make him realize he was better without her.

I guess I knew how Daniel was feeling. I had left a three year relationship and I was also with the heartbreaking feeling, although all the things happening in Hannover made my mind very far from that feeling, I could understand him. Everyone was trying to make him feel better, trying to make him go out but he was stuck in his room, didn't want to leave or do anything. A week passed and Daniel didn't leave his room.

I was in my room that night, my Facebook was open and I got a message from him:

“hey, what are you doing?”

“nothing, just on Facebook” I answered.

“come here”

“don’t remember your room number”

“46”

I had this strange feeling, from my past weeks there everyone always told me about how much of a player he was, that he messed around with girls. I didn't know that part of him, for me he was just a normal guy who had a big crush on a girl with a boyfriend. That was my thought and I wasn't thinking about his past. I knew him now, present, and I had no right to judge. I liked the person I knew and I didn't have anything to do with the past. “Be careful with Daniel. He is not good for girls”, everyone said. Something was going on but I had no idea what it was. I didn't even think too much about it, I wanted to go to his room and spend time with him, so I did. I guess he was a bit drunk and he offered me some wine as well. We had a good time, talking, drinking and laughing. It was getting late and Daniel decided to put a movie. It was so late that I fell asleep in his room; I woke up during the night and went back to my room. The next day, he called me again. Same situation: talking, drinking, laughing, writing post-it’s about random thoughts, and again, movie. And that was how we started spending our nights and somehow, between the alcohol and the stupid conversations, we started to get to know each other. Without even noticing what we were giving to one another. In my mind I was making a friend, even though everyone around me told me he would never be my friend even if I tried to be his.

It was time for another Birthday, Ravi’s birthday, a guy that lived in our floor. I didn't know him so well but everyone was invited and my friends were all going so I decided to join. Paola was going as well and that made me feel more comfortable to go. Daniel also got ready to go. We all met downstairs in the party room and everyone was there.

It was a good party, everyone was having fun and I couldn't stop looking at Daniel, trying to understand him. At the same time, I was having a great time with Paola, my mind was spinning around: everyone talked so much about Daniel but not a single word about Paola. And she didn't seemed to care at all about what the others said. The two brothers looked so similar and so different at the same time, but it was amazing to see how well they got along with each other. They lived in their own world together, it seemed like they even had an own language and they stepped to the common world when they wanted to. The party ended and me, Paola, Daniel, and the French guy, Matthieu, went up to the kitchen. We were still feeling like drinking so we continued our little party in there. After all the drinks were over we all decided to go to sleep, it was really late and we were wasted. As I left the kitchen, Paola and Matthieu were walking to their rooms but Daniel went to knock on Jacobo’s door.

Thirty minutes passed and I was still trying to fall asleep. I could hear Jacobo’s and Daniel’s voice fighting. I couldn't understand why, all I could hear was loud Spanish voices. After some minutes, I heard a door knocking really hard and after that I slept.

“hey, Paola, are you in your room?” — I wrote. I saw she was online on Facebook and I wanted to talk to her.

“yes, what is wrong?” — she answered right away.

“Nothing just wanted some company”

“Yes, come over, let’s buy some ice cream and talk on the way”

We went to the gas station, bought some ice cream and cigarettes and came back home. Paola’s room was gorgeous, she had it all decorated, pictures on the wall, different colors, drawings, posters, it was the most comfy room in M8. I sited on the bed and I thought about all the questions I had in my head wonder if I could ask her.

We started talking about Daniel and his situation and why the fights with Jacobo, which neither of us knew the exact reason of those fights. We talked for hours and I couldn't help feeling so comfortable with her, she was really open minded. Maybe because I was all alone in a new country I was totally open to meet new people, or maybe it was just meant to be like that, but the way I felt I could trust Paola was almost impossible in such a short period of time.

- Paola? Why is everyone always talking about Daniel and his “girls”?

- Well, you know people. When they have nothing interesting going on on their lives they talk about other people’s lives.

- Yes, you are totally right about that.

- It is true that Daniel dates a lot of girls, but that is his own business. And I am not defending him, he is my brother and I don’t support that. But it is him.

- And what about Luna? You think he will be sad like that for a long time?

- One thing I know about Daniel is that he falls in love really quickly, but he also forgets really quickly. So, I think it will pass.

- I hope it does, he is so depressed it almost makes me depressed as well.

- I really appreciate that you ask about Daniel before talking on his back.

- Well, I don’t know anyone very well, and I've heard a lot of things and don’t really know what to believe, so I figure better to ask you, you are his sister.

- Paola smiled. — eat your ice cream! It’s melting!

- I am a really slow eater!

Suddenly, a conversation that started with me trying to understand Daniel better, ended up with me finding one of the most honest girls I ever met, and I felt that I found a good friend in Paola.

- You know, Olive, I really want to see him better but I've seen this before. I've seen how he is when he is depressed, he drinks, he gets like bipolar, he gets mad for no reason. I don’t know if I can handle that again. I've done too many things for Daniel that messed up with my life and I can’t do it anymore. I’m here finally doing what I love, I’m working for my life and I just can’t put it on standby again for my brother. I’m sorry, don’t think bad about me, but I think this time I will stay away.

- I understand you. Believe me, I totally do. I don’t talk with my sister for 3 years and I know that is not the solution. I think you are really brave to make that choice and still be his sister, than just letting him go. I've quit on my sister, but I can see that you didn't quit on Daniel. How would you feel if I try to give him some company?

- I leave that up to you. I am not asking you to take my place, never. If you want to help him I think it’s up to you. It is just my mind that can’t do it anymore.

I totally understood her. It was as clear as water. I decided to do it. I needed a person to make me forget about Portugal and that was my chance.

In the meanwhile, Daniel was devastated. His friend Jacobo was mad with him, Luna left. I was just getting to know him, we were spending a lot of time together, just as friends. After some nights with him being drunk he talked with me about a lot of things about his life, one of them I already suspected. Daniel was a father. He had a 4 year old boy, Santiago, back where he used to live, living with his mother, which was Daniel’s ex-girlfriend and with whom he almost got married. It was a non-stop information source and I couldn't feel more into the subject as I was. Somehow, spending time with him and listening to his stories and problems made me forget about my own stories. I was becoming his shoulder without actually having one back, but I didn't seem to care. Or maybe I cared and hoped for a shoulder. There was a part of me that though he would never be that shoulder I needed but also another part that hope for it and didn't want to lose faith on that. However, everyone told me I was stupid to hope for some friendship from Daniel. Paola seemed to be the only one supporting me, and I trusted her. I believed, among all of those people, she was the one who knew him better. After all, they were brother and sister.

I didn't know what to do to help him and I couldn't understand if he really needed help. I didn't know that but I knew I needed help, I needed someone to be depressed with, someone that didn't ask questions, didn't blame and didn't care about my past at all. Somehow, stuck in his world without paying attention to the ones around him, Daniel was that person. His non-interest on whoever was near him, to help him or not, was exactly what I needed: to be invisible. He was the center of our talking nights. I never thought I could talk and listen for so long. Listening to him was like a bomb for me. I have never met anyone like him, never in my life. Daniel was a bomb that I was just starting to activate. There was something about him, some kind of mystery that hold him so hard. I felt he had a thousand things stuck in his throat that he wanted to spill it out, but for some reason he couldn't. It was only when Daniel was already a bit drunk that he started saying things: from family issues, to accidents, deaths and dark businesses, I felt I was getting into a whole new world. In one hand it was scary and terrifying knowing that he lived all those things. I never thought I would have the chance to know someone with that background in my life, I never expected it but it was surprising how that helped me see the world with different eyes. Portugal was starting to feel so small and simple.

During that week it was difficult trying to help him and myself at the same time. When I think about it now, when it’s all over, it just comes back in flashes. It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. I knew this world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought: how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks almost like an angel when he smiles at you? I guess I just lost my balance. Somehow, the worst part of it all wasn't to help Daniel, the worst part was losing who I was.

It was the first of September of 2013 when I arrived to Hannover. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to stay alone and fear was all over my body and soul, my legs were shaking, my heart was a hundred miles per hour and I had the most heavy weight on my chest. “Don’t cry”.

Max Eythstraße, number 8, was going to be my supposed home for the next year. It was a calm street with trees all around, green spaces, big and quiet family houses. The Max Eythstraße student dormitory was probably the biggest building in that street. A small girl walked in my direction, dark long hair in a ponytail, pretty smile and gorgeous light brown eyes. I already knew her name, Rachel, she was one of the international students mentors and I had exchanged e-mails with her before.

- You must be Olive, right? — she asked.

- Yes, I am — and I tried to make my smile looked real.

- Ok, let’s go inside, I have your keys — she said, with a smile, even though she looked very tired.

We went inside, carrying my heavy bags, I took advantaged that I went to Germany by car and took everything I could. My room was room number 33 and we had to go through all the floors to find in which one my room was. On the way, a tall, blond and apparently nice guy helped us with the bags. His English was a bit bad but I could tell he was making an effort. I noticed he lived in front of my room and I was happy to see someone there, it was so quiet and no one was in the corridor except for him.

- Ok, this is it, your room — Rachel said.

It was a small white room, so empty. It had one big desk, which I thought would be great to work, one small table, all made of fake IKEA wood. It looked so cold and soul free and it was going to be my room for one year. I had to learn how to like it somehow. After a small presentation of the city with a map that has definitely helped me throw my first days there, Rachel left. Now it was time for me to unpack and start getting use to my new life there.

It was my first night alone, I didn't had my cat to warm my feet or my mother calling me in the morning so I wouldn't sleep until 2 pm. The feeling of loneliness and sadness kept my mind away from everything else. I was missing Portugal, my parents and friends more than I thought I would miss. It was going to be a long and lonely year. It felt weird to wake up in that room, different walls, colors, smells, and noises, even I looked different. There was a part of my mind that screamed that that was what I am suppose to do, that was going to make me grow up, and something that told me that was going to be the first year of my independent life. But that positive feeling couldn't get any louder. I was feeling on the down hole.

It was the welcome event day and I was so nervous to go and meet all the people. Somehow I felt calmer to think I wouldn't be the only one new, everyone would be new there. I walked to the station, which was only about 3 minutes from home and when I got there I didn't know which train to take. There was a boy sitting in the station, young, handsome, short dark hair and chocolate brown eyes.

- Excuse me, do you speak English? — I asked.

- Yes, I do. — he said. He had a nice face and he looked not German, for sure.

- Do you know how to get to this station? — and I pointed to the map where it said “Bahnhof Linden/Fischerhof”, because there was no way I could spell that.

- Yes, actually I am going there also. Are you going to the Erasmus welcome event?

I felt like it was my lucky day. — Yes, I am! You too?

- Yes, me too!

- Great! Are you Erasmus also? — I asked, hoping the answer would be yes and that I wasn't alone after all.

- Yes, I am.

- Me too. Sorry, I am Olive, and you?

- Alejandro.

- Where are you from?

- Spain, and you?

- Portugal, so we are like neighbors!

I had just met the first person that was in the same situation as me and I felt happy and relieved. The feeling of loneliness wasn't as huge as I thought it would be. We got to the welcome event, trying to get to know each other. We were both shy but we figured out a way not to get awkward about it, after all, we were both there to meet new people and this was just the start.

The big entrance hall was full of students and the salad of nationalities was obvious, there was people from all over the world and suddenly I felt just one more in the middle of them instead of feeling like the only one different.

It didn't take so long until we met another two of those who were going to be our friends, Diego and Gabriella. Diego was also Spanish, really handsome, light brown hair, almost turning blond brown eyes and a sweet smile. He dressed too well for a guy, I thought. Gabriella was a gorgeous and smiley Italian girl, with a wild look, brown hair and big eyes. There was some Anne Hathaway on her. For the first two weeks we were the four of us always together along with other people we met. I felt comfortable with them but at the same time I had that feeling that they were going to be the only friends I was going to do. After those two weeks our German intensive course was over and I had two weeks more until my classes started at the University. It was the middle of September, I had just came back home from a calm beer time with Gabriella and I was installing myself in my room to watch a movie, although it was a Friday night, I had skipped the plan of going out with Gabriella that night. Even though nights were the loneliest moment for me, that day I wasn't feeling like going out.

Photo from Gunther Falchner, 2014. Auf dem Bult, Hannover