Bringing you the whole story in one, simple (hopefully humorous) headline

By William Southold, CNS Pulitzer Prize-Winning Special Correspondent

We here at CNS (Central News Service) typically bring you the latest in fake news stories. Now — having been motivated by (we think) one of the more humorous new TV shows available, The Paper — we have decided to add to our repertoire.

We all know what a punchline is: the concluding line or phrase of a joke that is intended to be humorous.

Well, we plan to bring you the stories you are bound to be interested in, but in the form of headlines alone — headlines that are so self-explanatory and so precise that there is no further need for lengthy exposition.

Plus, on top of that, you just might be treated to a laugh.

We can picture the hardworking members of The Toledo Truth Teller — the fictional newspaper of The Paper — featuring a strategy like ours in order to increase their circulation.

Here’s the official trailer of the show:

And here are some examples of what is to come for us:

Trump picks up 3 words in Spanish — “No Es Bueno!” — assumes it prepares him to take over Venezuela

Trump currently learning Greenlandic — and sure enough, “No es bueno”

Immediately after President Trump’s recent angry midweek address to the nation, he was rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center for an emergency colonoscopy in hopes of finding the stick up his ass

RFK Jr. urges Trump to fire White House doctors and just add more raccoon to his diet

After numerous examples of Trump nodding off in official White House meetings, Las Vegas odds makers are now taking bets on exactly when Trump will be caught snoring

Trump lays it all on Melania — “I had to do the big ballroom thing — my wife has more ball gowns than work outfits, so there you have it”

Latest Washington Hot Topic — If Trump tells lies from a conservative point of view and occasionally from a liberal point of view, is it accurate to say “Trump lies in stereo”?

Trump finally informed by Nobel Peace Prize Committee — “We don’t nominate nasty people”

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) to run new announcement prior to all future Trump appearances:

“Warning — what follows is likely to contain exaggerations, falsehoods, and outright lies. Viewer Discretion is Advised”

Governor Newsom of California congratulates Trump on winning the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize — “Even though in terms of peace prizes, it’s a widdle one”

Governor Newsom also suggests it’s time to think about a new Trump Washington Monument — “Possibly a large open-air outhouse might be just the thing — Stop in. Take a Trump”

And lastly, the Mona Lisa.

As the picture above suggests, notes recently confirmed from the Leonardo Da Vinci archives disclose what model Italian noblewoman Lisa del Giocondo was thinking as she sat for her portrait:

“Santo cielo, vorrei che la gente la smettesse di parlare all’infinito e andasse dritta al punto! (Good Lord — I wish people would stop going on and on and just get to the point!)

So you see — we here at Punchline News have history on our side!

Thank you so much for reading, and we look forward to bringing you more Punchline News soon.

The above was brought to you by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist William Southold.

(CNS Full Disclosure: Mr. Southold has never been awarded the Pulitzer Prize.)

And then there’s there’s the whole question of Trump’s motivation for the attack on Venezuela. Is it oil, or is it to further bury any interest in the Epstein files?

“Donald — Epstein Called — He Said, ‘Join Him at Sixteen — You’ll Know What He Means.’”

Introducing Punchline News was originally published in Doctor Funny on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Revelatory stories we should all be aware of

From the desk of CNS (Central News Service) Chief Correspondent William Southold

As President Trump’s second administration starts to get things together and rolls along, we here at CNS think it’s important — in an effort to achieve a greater understanding of the events and happenings associated with it — to put forth some of the administration’s basic background information. Getting to know better some of the people Trump has invited aboard may help in this mission.

Here is just a start of what we have discovered so far:

RFK Jr. describes his healthy drink routine

While interviewing newly appointed U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently, journalists were bothered by a swarm of mosquitoes buzzing around them, trying to shoo them away. However, they noticed the mosquitoes didn’t seem to bother Kennedy.

On the contrary, they noticed Kennedy didn’t take any evasive action at all, or even seem to notice them for that matter. He didn’t try to swat them away, and when they did bite Kennedy, the mosquitoes immediately fell to the ground, dead.

Afterwards, when Kennedy was shown a video of his interview, he stated (in his distinctive, sandpapery voice), “That always happens to me. The little buggers seem to come right at me, but I purposely make my blood toxic to them. At least, that’s what I work towards.”

“Toxic? How do you do that?” he was asked. “And aren’t you afraid of mosquito-borne diseases?

“Listen,” he said. “It’s the mosquitoes who should be afraid — very afraid!”

“All I can tell you,” he went on, “is that when I’m home in the summertime, I often get up early in the morning, take off my shirt, and go outside. I let the mosquitoes have their feast. Then I vacuum them up, take them inside, and blend them into a nice little drink with tomato juice. Makes a very healthy little pick-me-up in the morning, or if I wait and add a little vodka in the evening, it really hits the spot!”

“You can read all about this in the next US Health Department Guide for A Longer Life coming out in October,” he advised the group.

Pete Hegseth, the new Secretary of War:

President Trump has signed an executive order to rebrand the Department of Defense as the Department of War. Current Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is said to be “excited beyond belief” over this change and is especially looking forward to his new title of Secretary of War.

But that is not all. It has been reported that he will require his most immediate underlings, with whom he works daily, to acknowledge him as “Shogun Bushido, Warrior Chief.”

It was this title that he would spend hours and hours trying to achieve while playing the Samurai Warriors PlayStation 2 battle/action games as a youth and well into early adulthood. Reportedly, he never did actually attain that title, and he plans to remedy that situation now.

Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem

US Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller and Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, have formed a closer bond than almost any other two members of the current Trump Administration. And it’s all about their dogs.

This past November, Trump appointed the then South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem to serve as his administration’s Secretary of Homeland Security.

And as you may remember, Noem has written in her book — No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward — about her decision to “put down” — actually shoot — her unruly dog Cricket. She claims she simply couldn’t calm him down.

She describes one incident where he attacked a neighbor’s chickens, “grabbing one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it to attack another.”

Well, that was enough for Noem, who dragged the dog to a gravel pit and shot it.

It was that bit of Noem’s history that endeared her to Miller and presumably prompted Miller — in a spirit of one-upmanship — to share his own story about his dog.

“I adopted her from an animal shelter,” Miller was overheard telling Noem. “Right away I could tell why she ended up there — abandoned. When I got her home, I fed her the greatest meal ever — some very expensive dog food — and then took her down to the dog park.”

“Well, I let her off her leash — we were the only ones there — and she just sniffed all around. But then when I called her, she refused to come. I chased her all over that damn place — slipping in a pile of shit at one point and falling, cutting my head open in the process. (Miller did have a bandage on his head.) I finally made a lasso out of the leash and snagged her.”

“Doesn’t sound like a keeper,” Noem told him. “Did you take her back to the shelter?”

“Oh no. And here’s the part you’ll like. I took her right down to a vet I know and had her put down. Told the vet she had bitten me — you know — in the head.”

“That’s the only thing you could have done,” Noem agreed with Miller. “Sounds like that dog wasn’t worth the pile of shit you slipped in.”

Miller quickly agreed. And from that moment, a lasting bond seems to have been formed between the two.

Please look for more stories about the people who make up the Trump Administration, right here from Central News Service.

Central News Service proudly brings you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize-winning fake newsman, William Southold.

(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize!)

Here is perhaps the main reason why the Trump Administration is so chaotic. —

John Corten’s Recent Post Describing Trump Arguing With Three-Year-Old Is Right on The Money!

Getting to Know Members of the New Trump Administration Just a Little Bit Better was originally published in Doctor Funny on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Our Number 1 Pulitzer Prize-winning fake news correspondent takes on Trump

Opinion by William Southold — CNS (Central News Service)

Those who know me know I’ve got a few bones to pick with Trump.

First of all, Trump — going back to his first administration — keeps labeling the honest, hardworking providers of real news — the New York Times, the Washington Post, CNN, and the like — as “FAKE NEWS.” The poor boy thinks this is a slur.

We here at CNS — the Pride of Fake News all over the world! — merely take it as a challenge.

Why? Because we know that there is more truth in our fake news than anything that ever comes out of any of Trump’s orange oval orifices — especially his mouth.

(There may be some truth leaking out of his big, fat orange ass, but we’ll let his doctors worry about that.)

If you would allow me to get serious for a moment, please hear me out.

Let us start with just one issue:

There perhaps has been no other president, at least in recent history, to be involved in as many legal cases — either as a target or prosecutorially — as has President Trump. He spends much of his time either going after his perceived “enemies” (he has lists and lists of them — so many lists!) or trying to defend against them.

In addition, the second Trump administration has devoted a lot of time and effort to targeting those law firms and lawyers that had previously represented positions adverse to him.

As Wikipedia explains it, “The retributive actions include issuing executive orders and presidential memoranda limiting the ability of attorneys to obtain access to government buildings, stopping any consideration for future employment with the government, canceling government contracts, and preventing any company that uses such a firm from obtaining federal contracts.

President Trump signed memoranda and orders that both threatened attorneys in general and targeted certain law firms and lawyers in particular.”

Here is how CNN’s Anderson Cooper explains it:

Now here is one possible solution. It might be worth a try.

The Associated Press reported just recently that President Trump threatened to expand his military deployments — as he has currently directed in Washington, D.C. — to more Democratic-led cities.

Last week Trump said he was considering Chicago and New York for troop deployments similar to what he has unleashed on the nation’s capital, where thousands of National Guard and federal law enforcement officers are patrolling the streets.

He has also been threatening to repeat the use of the National Guard deployment he made in Los Angeles over the objections of California’s Democratic governor, Gavin Newsom. And that’s not all.

Is there any way to effectively fight back?

The creators of the animated show South Park seem to think so:

And we here at CNS would like to throw another suggestion into the mix.

We believe that the most prestigious, top-ranked law schools in the country — Yale, Harvard, and Stanford among them — should offer free, open-to-the-public seminars in all the affected cities. These seminars would present ways in which individual citizens, groups, and businesses can instigate lawsuits against Trump and his cohorts for the damages his actions of his domestic military deployments are sure to cause.

In addition, the students of these law schools should be allowed to earn practicum credits towards graduation for assisting in this effort.

And law firms should do everything they can to either hire or give on-the-job training opportunities to these fine young people who are ready to pull up their anchors and set their sails in such a meaningful direction in their chosen careers.

Many young people who have already heard of our proposal are chomping at the bit to get started.

“I was born and raised right here in the city,” Vito Generatti, a student at Columbia Law in NYC, told us.

“That little turd Trump won’t know what hit him. All my classmates want to get in on the action. Trump will have lawsuits coming at him like a swarm of mosquitos. He’ll be trying to swat them down, but we’ll keep coming. He’s always hated mosquitoes.”

And perhaps most of all, all major news sources — both in print and media — should cover the coming events better than they have ever covered anything before.

So get off your collective asses — New York Times, the Washington Post, CNN, and all the others. There’s a battle to be won.

And we here at CNS have no problem leading the way!

So let’s all work together — real and fake news hand in hand — to one day see Trump given his comeuppance.

Perhaps then we will find him wandering around Mar-a-Lago — or even better yet, some prison yard — muttering the following tune:

Central News Service proudly brings you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize-winning fake newsman, William Southold.

(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize!)

Maybe it’s time for that Trump movie hit the theaters again.

The One Scene in the Movie — The Apprentice — That Has Trump and His Team Worried The Most

In Defense of Fake News was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.