The gig, party, venue — whatever you want to call it where my covert narcissist ex was booked to sing was a week ago. For obvious reasons I was not there as I don’t want to fly to other side of the country to have terrible evening and pay for it. He was not the main act or only singer/band there. Luckily. As next day I saw multiple videos at my Facebook feed from there, but none of my ex. I did saw his bass player singing his songs. I messaged to Manuel and asked did my CN ex ghosted them? He said that CN was there, but he started drinking day before and his singing was so bad that people asked him to get off stage. He did, and Manuel was singing rest of the songs or the whole gig. I don’t know as I was not there. He said, it would be good if you would talk with CN. And I was like ok. CN has always made sure he handles his gigs well, no matter what he did before it. This was the first time he was in such a bad state that he could not sing. So I called him and it went like this:

Me: Hello. I asked Manuel what happened yesterday and he told me that you left the stage, because you were too drunk or high to sing properly. What happened? Why did you do that? Are you ok? What did you drink, Mezcal?

CN: Hello, well we had not eaten well. No, beers and alcohol mixed. I haven’t done drugs in long time.

Me: You could have stop drinking day before.

CN: It was just one night.

Me: Soon no one will book you. If I would be you, I would apologize in public and promise it won’t happen again.

Silence.

CN: I have been focusing on working in GDL at my friends restaurant and this was not representation what I am today.

Me: Well, that is the representation that you gave of yourself yesterday. So you are in GDL. Are you staying with your mother?

CN: Yes, but I will come back at the end of the month to work in new restaurant that my other friends is opening. I could come to see you.

Me: I am still angry that you did not tell me about the dog. Donny lied to me about it and I asked you multiple times how the dog is doing. I did not know what happened to it. Why did you not tell me that it is dead?

CN: I don’t remember what state of mind I was at that time.

Me: Obviously same as yesterday.

CN: The construction workers left the gate open, she ran out and got hit by car.

Me. Things happen, but you should have told me. I had to ask other people about it to find out.

CN: I am also planning to do the record.

Me: Oh, who is going to back up you?

CN: I don’t know yet, but I have almost all songs ready. I gotta go to catch the bus. I will call you back when I am there.

Me: Ok. Go.

I got message that said “The bus is cancelled. It’s been a bad weekend.”

Me: It seems so. When is the next one?

CN: Tomorrow the same time. The promoter does not answer me.

Me: Call Manuel. Let me know how it goes.

And after that I did not hear from him.

As you can see this is what CN does, nothing was his fault and if it was it was not a big deal, everything that happened was an accident and he had nothing to do with it, things are not how they seem to be and he is changed man, even when all the evidence tell that he is even worse than before. He did not keep his promise to call or message me, or bothered to do so. He said he wanted to see me, but I cannot think of any reason to see him. I would probably wait for nothing when he would not show up at all. And I have no interest to get involved his never ending shit show again. As far as I know he is still doing the same, circulating women and going to whoever takes him back and benefits him most.

He also knows that I wanted him to do a record, because it is 14 years since the last one. I offered him multiple chances to do it, but he always refused and made excuses. A famous guitarist offered to back up him at the record, he said no. Best vintage studio in Europe would have given him huge discount and he said no. I offered him studio with his own local Mexican backup band, he said he wanted his old band from USA and his friends studio. So I gave up. Now he brought it up like he would actually do it. I don’t think he even has the songs ready as he claimed. I think he lied to me, just to impress me with more empty promises. I unfortunately know him.

Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is me. I called him to tell him what he did wrong, in case he did not understand it. I even told him how to fix it, but he did not apologize anyone. Not even me. Instead he left me again hanging, without me knowing what is happening. I am not playing this game anymore. I am not going to get worried about a man who does not care about me or my feelings. Who has no problem to leave me waiting for nothing in uncertainty.

I would have thought that he would have at least have performed well at the gig for others like usual, show that he is doing well and he is happy without me. But sabotaging his own gig was new to me and I think it shows that if he ruins the only things he is good at, he has no control anymore of himself. Or should I say even less than he had before. I said to Manuel that I think he is beyond repair and needs therapist, rehab and exorcist. He asked me how come exorcist and I said he has entities attached to him and I have seen them. Some might say demons. I was never afraid of them and I think I brought some kind of balance and stability to CN’s life. He doesn’t have got it anymore. I was the glue that kept it all together while he was investing in other women behind my back. The bad things override any happy moments I thought I had with him. I am not blind anymore. I know that he never cared about me. No one who does, cannot do things he has done. And he was ready to do it all over again. So his is back being blocked. Again.

Covert Narcissist are very good in projecting themselves as victims. They have this act that they are vulnerable and despite their efforts the world is somehow against them and they just need little of your help to get back at their feet. The problem is that this lasts forever and they are not doing nothing much themselves to help with anything or change anything. What they are good at is recruiting more people to help them. They have either love interest or people who believe in them or admire them in some way. My CN was a singer in a band and somewhat famous in that music genre. So there are fans buying free drinks, doing favors, getting meals, women throw themselves to him at the gigs and in social media and some even fight for his attention, because of their own illusions of being with a “star”. It is interesting how they can get people hooked on them by giving empty promises and some breadcrumbs when needed. It is easy to play the rockstar at gigs and tour, be fun and charming. Always broke is also partly an act or maybe habit, he wants to see what he can get out of you. Why would pay for anything, if he can get it free from someone? Promoters usually pay flights, hotels including meals. He has to only show up and sing, be charming and entertaining.

When he needs money he complains to multiple women online how his car broke, his boss did not pay his salary or dogs are without food. At first he never asks money, he sees if someone volunteers to help and he does not need much, but if 10 women send each 50 USD — that is 500 USD. So I would say they are very much love scammers. If you are not useful to them in any way, they just disappear and move to next one. It is full time job for them.

When the person is hooked on him, he has no problem to ask money straight. There is always urgency. He is in some kind of trouble and will pay you back later. He might want to lend your car, because his is broken — when in reality he wants to impress someone. He expects that you help him and if you don’t give money, sex or whatever he wants he gets angry, goes to someone else who is more understanding, ghosts you for weeks or a month and then shows up like nothing has happened. So CN is living his best life, while all the others make it possible.

And because they have this nice, fun guy imago in public, when I told my friends how he treats me and what has happened, one said “Aren’t you exaggerating now?” No, actually I was downplaying. So friends are not very helpful when dealing with covert narcissist, because they see only the good side of him. They are also charmed. Even my mother could not understand why I left and still asks how he is? How the hell would I know, I haven’t been in touch with him in over a year and he is blocked everywhere. And will stay that way too! I told people that he was using me and I got judged by my friends and relatives, because I left a man who “cared” about me. The truth is that he cared what I can give to him and how I made him feel, wanted and loved, without me getting nothing in return, but ignorance and dismissing. Only in public and front of others I was treated nice to keep up the apperarances. To him the opinion of others mattered, not mine. My role was to keep up the fake persona he had created, but I never signed to that role. It was expeccted from me, not offered. I would have said no.

I still don’t know what he has said about me after I left, but I am pretty sure it is not anything nice. And I am sure he will do his very best to show me and others that he can get someone who is younger and prettier than me. In his mind those are the things that would hurt me most. The truth is that I don’t compare myself to anyone. If they would have been going through same as me and be my age, then we could be maybe compared and not even then, because their brain and personality is different. I admire women who have accomplished something or do things that has positive effect also to others. I admire kindness and being brave in front of injustice. I do admire beauty too, but there is not only one kind of beauty and I have quite healthy self image and self confidence. So the females I have seen in CN’s social media are not even near my level in any shape or form. Some of them are younger, that I can give. And the truth is, I could not care less. It is all the same to me who he is with, doing what. Only thing I hope is that he would not use and hurt more people in the name of love, but that is something he will certainly do.

But as my friends have listened me and know thing or two from my past, now when I have new man in the picture — I got very weird suggestion. “Give me his social media and I will write to him from a fake account to see if he is seeing someone else.” I almost said, “Are you out of your mind?” First of all, I don’t know this man so well, that I could judge him. I want to get to know him better, but I am certainly not let anyone else do the job for me. Those kind of stupid tests are total no to me. I want to find out myself what kind of man someone is. I don’t need to start scamming and plotting myself. Even after dealing with covert narcissist I am not twisted in any shape or form. If someone lies to me or is deceiving, I will find it out sooner or later. I am not going to be that way myself. That is like inviting disaster from the start.

I remember once my friend had a table at big flea market where you put price tags to your products and leave things there for sale. She was complaining how people take something, change their mind and then leave the item to the wrong table. Ok. But then she did it herself! So how can you expect others to do something right if you do the same thing wrong? Don’t you see the connection. I want to approach relationships with good intentions and pure heart and I certainly am not letting anything come between me and my love interest to spy them, write from fake accounts or do something weird like that. I trust people until I am proven wrong. I am adult enough to handle if someone is not honest, or is seeing multiple people and forgets to tell me about it. I can decide what to do with it when I find it out. Anyone who tries to interfere with my relationships or “help” me, I don’t want or need that. I don’t want people to arrange me blind dates or tell their opinions who would be suitable for me, or that I should go out more with multiple people. There is nothing wrong with seeing multiple people. But that is not who I am. Everyone has right to do that, so why would anyone try to find it out by pretending to be some hot chick and write to my love interest? He is not stupid. I don’t think he even would be interested. I can ask him that are you seeing multiple people if I want to. But as far as I know he is not. He writes me so often that I doubt any women could handle watching that. I see very seldom anyone I like. It takes me long time to like someone. I like only one person at the time and I don’t enjoy attention from multiple men. I can take compliment, but I don’t waste anyone's time pretending liking them if I don’t. Not mine, not theirs.

I have trust issues, but I don’t let them stop me from going forward. I am not suspecting the worst all the time. And I try to be honest with my emotions and triggers, that sometimes show up because of my past. I am protective towards people that I like and want their best. So if I am dating someone, they are free to choose someone else too if they feel that someone else makes them happier. Then at least one of us is happy. I would not like to force someone to be with me against their will. The problem with covert narcissist is that they make you unhappy and make clear that they are not happy with you, but still don’t want to let you go. They can be with other people, but you are not allowed to do the same.

CN also will try to sabotage your future relationship. CN called to all the men he thought I am interested in at our circle of friends. I am not interested in any of them. His pea brain thinks that because I left him, I must have someone else. I did not. I maybe mentioned someone in the past and said something like: “He looks good.” And that was not to make CN jealous, but honest opinion of the person that for his age and with his past, he does look good. Nothing more, nothing less. And CN took it that I must want him. Dear Lord. I also was in same picture with one guy and he had his arm around my waist. It was friendly picture with 3 people in it. Nothing romantic. And he called him too. I must have had sex with him as he had his arm around me. I don’t know how many people he has called so far, but my love interest is not anyone he knows. So I think we are safe here. I don’t know what he would say to him: “Don’t date her, she is crazy”? And then tell wild stories about me. Or warn him that I have STD? I have no idea what he has in mind and how it would make his life happier to know that he has cock blocked me. I really cannot follow his thoughts at all. They don’t make sense to me.

Even when my friends might mean well, they should not put thoughts in my head that “He is not interested in you if he does not do this or that”. Or “Maybe he has someone else, because he did not invite you to dinner with her mother. Maybe it was not mother”. That does not help me to trust love and good things in life. I don’t say that I should be totally blind and believe everything either. But just see how things go and not paint devils in the wall before they even exist. Stop giving terrible advices. That is all I ask. Thank you.

And also few words about AI. It also gives bad advices when it comes to relationships and offers you opinions that you did not ask. Just don’t. And I don’t like it when AI starts to sound like human, which it is not. AI does not have human experiences, feelings and emotional intelligence that adult people (should) have. So the few times I have asked something that was not directly about relationship, rather attempt to understand what someone meant in Spanish. I got advice that I did not want or asked, additional questions and suggestions. I stopped the chat right there. No fuckin AI is giving me relationship advice. That is the most stupid thing I can think of. That is also irresponsible as AI does not know me, my situation or the man that I am interested in well enought to say anything at all. Also I don’t use AI to write my thoughts as it does not have my thoughts and my life. I do use AI for writing video scripts and boring things that it can handle well and have nothing to do with love. If I love someone, there is no friend or AI telling me what to do. Love is emotion that comes from the soul. I don’t give love randomly to anyone who happens to be in front of my nose, unless it is helpless person, animal or child. There you can see my tendency to take care and help. I will protect my love from any outside influences, so that it is pure and honest regardless what I am getting in return. That is my special power.

I read about female psychiatric Rebecca Hartman who was the kind of person who did not believe in chakras or energy healing. But she had burnout from work, listening to patients traumas, prescribing medications, that helped, but did not heal and some patients improved, but relapsed. Then she improved the relapse. Her colleague suggested sabbatical leavein Zen monastery in Japan. She said “I am scientist. What could I possibly learn sitting in silence with monks?” But she needed a break and thought it would be at worst anthropological research.

She said that the first weeks were miserable. She could not stop analyzing everything, like “Why were they sitting like that?” and she spend half of her meditation time writing critiques of the meditation in her head. The monks did not argue with her, they just told her to keep sitting day after day, in silence. But around day 12 something shifted. She did not try to analyze anymore. She was observing her thoughts and reactions. The patterns that showed up and she realized that there was one pattern under everything.

She had been in therapy herself, so she knew her traumas, wounds, attachment style and was familiar of her own behavior. She said that in silence there was nowhere for the pattern to hide and it kept showing up. The same reaction and defense she had been using to protect herself for 40 years. Monks called this “Seeing your true face.” Carl Jung called it “shadow”. The part of yourself that you have rejected, denied, that is hidden from view. You can’t fight it, because you cannot see it. It is unconscious. She had always ignored Jung as she though him as too philosophical to be practical.

The Zen way was not trying to fix anything. It did not try to heal or change the pattern, or even understand it. It was showing it clearly and repeatedly, until she could not pretend that it was not there. “When I finally saw the thing clearly that had been running my relationships and my career, my self sabotage for my entire adult life, it just lost it’s grip like finger trap that loosens it’s grip when you stop pulling.”

Now she had a new problem. The 30 days had done her more than 20 years of professional therapy. But she could not send all the patients to go and sit at monastery for a month, so she started to ask questions from patients to reveal the shadow pattern. Not analyze it, just reveal it. “What happens when things start go well?” “What do you do before you self-sabotage?” “What would someone who knows you well say is your blind spot?” And the patterns emerged. And when patient recognized it, something shifted. Why does just seeing the pattern work so well? She said that she learned from the monks that the pattern only has power, because it operates unconsciously. The shadow runs your life because you don’t see it. When there is conscious awareness and you see it, the automatic quality breaks. You can choose to repeat the pattern, but you are no longer compelled to it. The difference is everything. Seeing your pattern correlates more storngly with behavior change than insight, understanding or even emotional processing. Zen traditions figured that out centuries ago. We are trying to catch up.

Here are some of the most common patterns:

The Perfectionist — Whose shadow is the fear of being seen as incomplete.

The Caretaker — Whose shadow is the terror of their own needs.

The Achiever — Whose shadow is to believe they’re only lovable for what they produce.

The Controller — Whose shadow is the chaos they avoid from vulnerability.

There are others too, but all of them are learned from childhood. Each one was protective at some point. And all of them are running the show without permission. When you see your pattern clearly, not just understand it, but see it, it loosens it’s grip. You don’t have to fight or heal your shadow. You just have to see it. That is the whole Zen approach to Jung. And it works.

I think that this is the case also with covert narcissist, when you know the pattern that CN operates and repeats, you understand your role in it. You understand your own pattern. I guess I should go sit quiet somewhere for a month to find out my shadow, because according to the quizz by Dr Hartman I am “Perfectionist”, but I don’t have problem to be seen incomplete. I think we all are incomplete even when we grow and learn new things, we are never fully complete. But it is our own choice do we want to repeat the same behavior than before. I try to change, but see myself repeating the same things, because I don’t know what my shadow is. What causes my repeating pattern.

According to the quiz, being Perfectionist is pattern that often hides a deep fear of failure and self-judgment, making it hard to both begin and finish important tasks. But I don’t have problems of begin or finish tasks, specially important ones. So even when I totally understand the Zen practice, to quiet your mind to see what it reveals from you unconscious mind, the given test is not accurate in my case. So I still don’t know my shadow side. I don’t know what it is and what to do with it. I cannot change something that is unconscious and I don’t even know what it is and that it exists. I do know what I do and how I react to things repeatedly, but I don’t know why.

I think I avoid being emotionally close to anyone or dependent on them, because I have learned that it is not safe to do so. So it is matter of safety to me. My father was not someone I could trust. He said one thing and did other and my mother tried to please him, not change anything. She was not on my side. How did I learn to copy with them? I knew that I cannot trust my parents, so I had to trust myself. I had to take care of myself. And my relationships have verified this belief that I cannot trust the people who are supposed to love me (like my parents). They were not physically or emotionally safe. But I have never been afraid of anything else but love. Because to me love means a threat and unsafe. And I don’t mean only verbally, but also physically. It means threat for my life.

So how can I change this? I have no idea, but I relate more to Caretaker. I tend to take care of others and neglect my own needs. Why do I do that, because I learned very little that by doing things my parents wanted (usually chores at the house, washing dishes, cleaning, picking apples, berries and similar things) they were “happy” and I was not in “danger”. If I did not, they were angry and attacked my verbally or physically. So I do things for people I like, not because I want them to like me, but if I don’t, I feel that I am not safe. It is coping mechanism I learned from my childhood.

How to change this, so that I would receive too and not so that I am the only person doing giving and the other is using me. I do understand that love should not cost anything and I should not need to prove anything to anyone. But I do think both should sometimes do things for other. It should be equal. Where is my limit? And why do I give at expense of my own well being? Because if I don’t, I don’t feel safe. It is not fear that they leave me, it is not attempt to keep them, it is fear of being in danger. If I don’t give or do things for them, I am not safe. I know it is not rational, but it is what it is.

Let’s see if understanding this shadow is now releasing it’s grip from me. I think this relates very much to covert narcissist relationship, because there other gives endlessly and other takes. So in a way I am perfect match for them. But it is something I chose, I was programmed that way as child. One solution is of course not to have partner at all. But is that healthy either, to deny from myself love and partnership. If it is bad one, it is better to be alone, but why should I always be in bad relationship? There must be someone who can give to me and not only take. Am I blind to them? What are my boundaries? I can say no, so that is not the problem. The problem is not feeling safe in relationship if I don’t give or do things for an other. So I am part of the problem. I should learn to feel safe without giving too much and doing things for others. What is too much and what is too little? I guess I should define that. And be with someone who is safe and giving. Then I have to learn also how to receive, as I am not used to it. So lets see how this goes.

It is easier to like someone from far, as then I don’t have to deal with the problems. I can keep the illusion of someone. So I do understand the concept of virtual relationships, but that is not what I want. I want a man who is flesh and blood and is here with me even when it is not dancing on the roses each day. I never asked for that, but I sure did not ask covert narcissist either. I have a new crush, but I don’t know yet what he is. He is slow mover, that I know for sure. And sometimes it irritates me as it makes me question am I not attractive enough for him to want to spend more time with me? I am used to intense and he is not it. It seems that he has need to prove me what kind of man he is and that he is working on it. When I just want to spend time with him. So we will see. Will keep you posted.

People who see covert narcissist only out and about think CN is charming, funny, entertaining and he is. At least my last CN was, and he is also a great singer. He is the best singer I have ever heard. Is he famous? No. Because he hasn’t done recording in 14 years. I tried to get him to do that and he just made excuses. “I don’t like the guitarist, I want my old band, I don’t have enough songs”. I said make EP for God’s sake. He never got it done. I tried and gave him opportunities to do that. I know multiple people who have recording studios. And when he was on tour, he was most of the time drunk or in drugs and behaving like idiot. No one wants to work with him anymore. And after that he was acting like he was something special. It went to his head right away.

But I have a new problem. We are in same music genre. Me usually in the audience and he singing. We have mutual friends. So now when there there is a gig, I rather not go as I don’t want to see CN. Not that I am afraid of him. I think he is afraid of me. I just don’t want to see him, talk to him or have nothing to do with him. There is a gig coming soon, my friend is the promoter of the venue. I like him, he is a nice guy, but also CN’s drummer. He often backs up him at tours and gigs. He booked this American band and I was like, I could go there, it would be fun. Until he changed the flyer in social media and I read that CN is now booked there too to sing. So I am not going.

Someone might say don’t let CN limit your life. You should be able to do what you want. I agree with that, but unfortunately it is not that way. I know what would happen if I would go and tried to have fun. CN would bring an other women in front of me, rather someone I know, be sweet and loving towards her, maybe even propose her in front of me on stage. Just to make me feel worthless and not loved. Giving someone else what I once wanted from him without understanding that I don’t want it anymore, because of his behavior and actions toward me in the past. He would act like I don’t matter, never did. Even when he would made this whole show to make me feel as bad as possible. He would be charming, funny and nice to everyone else and maybe even say something to me too. It would be a one man show. He would have this whole performance prepared and planned for me. That he is doing fine and is happier than ever without me in his life. Which it total lie. Without me he doesn’t accomplish anything, because I made it happen without knowing it. I did the hard work, he was just freeriding.

I am quite sure he has denied me and said to others, that we never had anything, he never cared about or was interested in me. That it was me who was chasing him and trying to have something with him. Which would be funny as we spend four years together more or less. If he would have been that hesitant and made it clear to me that he was not interested in me, I don’t think I would have spend four years thinking that this relationship might work. He would not have introduced me to his mother and closest friends. And he is right, we did not have anything. As everything was illusion and one big lie from his part. But denying that I even existed is not right. I was and I am. Just not with him.

And sure I could spend my night trying to avoid him and not to see him, but when he is there performing — going there would be also supporting him, also financially by paying the ticket to see him and I certainly have done more than enough that in my life. Support him emotionally and financially. It would be impossible not see or hear him. I still like him as a singer. Not as a man. I don’t think him as a man. He does not have qualities that I think man should have. It is like dealing with 4 years old every day. And after the truth about other women came out, the lies, the betrayal and the financial abuse, not only toward me, but many others made me feel sick that I was even dealing with that kind of person. Who had no remorse and used his charm and reputation or talent as musician to use people to benefit and gain himself. And then deny that he never did anything, ahd anything with these women, they never exist or even were there.

I would not enjoy being at his gig, because I have no need to perform myself. I rather would not pretend that I am fine with him or how the things ended. I am not. I still feel bad about it. I just don’t think of it much anymore. I have someone else I am interested in and hope he feels the same way about me. I would rather spend time with him, but we are not yet that close and I would never put him in the position that I would ask him to come with me to see my ex singing. I was alone for a long time. I was alone even when I was with CN, because he made me feel that way. He left me alone many times when he was with someone else. He said with friends or family. Or work. He was nice to me in public and cruel in private. Or he made plans with me and never showed up. He was never abusive physically, but emotionally yes. He made sure that he ruined most of my happy moments. He felt that every success I had was a hit to his ego and he had to either diminish it or punish me for being better than him in something.

The thing that kept me hanging was uncertainty. The fact that he was sometimes very nice and loving, and after that ignorant and rude. I did not know where I was standing, I was not sure about the things and I tried to figure out is there something to hang on. If I asked, he told me the answer I wanted to hear. When I was suspicious that he was seeing other women behind my back, I asked him and he denied it. I thought that maybe I am imaging things. I was not. But I did not know it then and I did not have any proof. Now I do. It is there all over the social media. I just did not see it first as it was all hidden, in private accounts or he deleted comments that would have shown the truth from his account. All the evidence of someone else were removed. He had whole relationship with an other girl, not a woman as her lever of maturity is of a little girl. She must have known about me. I did not know that she was still in the picture. She was his ex. And their aim was to get money out of me with him pretending to have feelings for me. I don’t know what he said to her about me. That we had nothing I guess. That she was imaging things. She was the one he beat up in the end. Then she left too.

CN never had the balls to solve anything with me and he does not grow a pair suddenly, so there is nothing to talk about or chance in hell that we would be some kind of friends and would laugh about things and have fun with our mutual friends and maybe new partners. No, I would be there alone watching different kind of show and I don’t put myself into that position. He cannot understand that I was alone so long so long and so many times that I got bored of it, waiting for nothing. It is impossible for him to understand that I did not have anyone else when I left. Because he always have women hanging there hoping that he would someday give them what he promised. He keeps them as security, if one leaves, like they all will, he has already someone else as backup. Always had. He did not have time for me, because he was too busy to keep other options.

I am sure he has also told to our mutual friends very twisted story about what happened with me. I bet he is playing innocent and saying “I don’t know what happened. She just blocked me without reason.” Maybe they believe him, maybe not. But they want to stay in terms with him. Some because they play music with him and it benefits them. Some because he has not done anything to them and they think it is part of being rockstar to behave bad and use women. Some because they think he is cool, because of his talent and some kind of fame. They don’t want to rock the boat and they rather stick with him than with me. Sure, they know he lies and uses women, that is the way he is. But they also think it is amusing. They never think how many people he hurts while doing what he is doing. And they fell for the same trap as I did. “I need some help? Can you help me? I will pay you back”. To me it was also, “If you would love me you would help me”. Maybe not in these words, but “I knew you would not help me, no one does” or something similar. And he does this same to multiple women at the same time. Same stories all over again and nothing changes. He only changes the women to new ones, who don’t know him so well.

Last time we saw, it was one and half years ago. I haven’t counted the exact days. He owed me money and asked me to come to his workplace to get it. He worked at the bar. When I went there he was smiling to my face and said he doesn’t have got the money. I raised my eyebrow, drank few drinks on his tab and when the bar closed, we went out and I was thinking to myself “This is last time we see. We will never see again.” And I did not feel bad or good. It was just my decision to put end to the financial and emotional abuse. He asked me “Are you going to walk home.” I said yes, and walked into the darkness. I was not afraid, but he put me into that situation by not paying me. I did not have money for the taxi. I thought he would give me what he lended — that is why I went to the bar. He never called or told me that he did not have the money or things changed. If he would have, I would have not gone to the there in the first place.

I never got the money beack. And it was not a big sum. I was about 30 dollars. But that is exactly what bothered me. CN thought that it does not matter if he never pays back to me little sums. That I forget and let it be. He always felt entitled to my money. My money that I had worked long hours. That I could buy something to myself. He never thought that I would leave. He thought that I was so hooked on him that I would always be there hoping that things will change and that he would love me and take care of me for a change. I was the provider, the man in that relationship. He was the spoiled princess who wanted this and that.

I don’t have a problem to do charity, but I thought first that I am investing in us. That I am helping him to get over hard times. After four years I can stay he has always hard times. And even if he doesn’t he pretends that he is. It is the game he plays and I am not the only woman he was scamming. I have seen his account. And the best was when my phone gave me notification 4 am that he was using our mutual debit card to rent a room for few hours in motel where people go to have sex.

When I said to him that “I hope you had fun last night”. He was like “It is not your business and I used my own money.” Yes he did, but then he comes to me complaining that he has no money for food or dog food. I ordered huge bags of dry food for the dogs from Amazon to deliver to him. And I answered “You are right, your sex life is not my business, and my money is not yours.” End of discussion. I did not want him near me anymore. I did not want him or STD either.

So I have no interest to let him spoil one more night for me, he has already done that so many times. I rather be somewhere else, doing something else with someone else. I rather avoid CN for the rest of my life than to play his games anymore. Because that is only way he knows how to live. He spends lot of time to manipulate people instead of advancing himself, learning something new or doing anything productive. He needs women to support him, lift him up, boost his ego and give him life. Not only one, multiple. And it does not matter what they look or how they are. It is enough that they are easy to fool. He gives minimum effort and lot of excuses, illusions and empty promises. He enjoys being the puppet master. But the reality is that without puppets there is no master. He needs them. I don’t need him.

And I was once foolish to believe, to trust and be manipulated, but not anymore. I don’t care what he says about me to people, I don’t care what they think. I am free to do whatever I want and I choose to do nothing with him. I saw and experienced enough. I know what he is and what he is capable of doing. I wish he would never hurt anyone again, but he will. It is the only thing he can do well. And if I have to skip few parties and gigs, i will do it rather than go there to pretend that I am fine with him being there or me being in the same place with him. I am not. You don’t go voluntarily to the same place with your abuser after you have got rid of him. You avoid him. Not because you are afraid, but because you love yourself. There is no need to start it all over again. When you get out, you don’t want to go back. Your whole perspective changes. You see how ugly CN is inside out. You don’t see him anymore as something you would desire or want. Not even as a friend. And certainly nothing more than that.

I sometimes tell to the new guy about CN, what he did or what I think he did. I still don’t have answers to all of the things that have happened. And I am not interested in finding out either. I have enough proof of disrespect, dishonesty and cruelty. I don’t need more. And he said to me “My heart would never let me do something like that.” And he tells me how much I mean to him, he sends me screenshots from his phone and videos where he is and what he is doing. He is like total opposite of CN, whose whole life was one big secret. I adore this new guy and I hope he will never change. I have had too many men who are nice first and then change into monsters. It would be easier for me to just give up. But I am not a quitter.

1. SOULMATE

First, the CN felt like your soulmate, your person. You thought you found the one. You never connected with anyone the same way. You felt understood, loved, valued, and appreciated. He was everything you ever wanted and were looking for. The truth is that CN studied your dreams, traumas, values, likes, and dislikes and reflected them to you to create an illusion of compatibility. In reality, the CN became the version that made you trust him quickly. Yes, he plotted this. The beginning felt magical. Dream come true. And that is what makes leaving difficult later. You are trying to get back to the fantasy that CN sold you in the beginning of the relationship, and it felt so good, so real. And later, when the cycle starts again at the love bombing stage, they become again the person you missed. If you don’t understand or know about the cycle, you fell for it multiple times.

2. CONFUSION

Confusion, abuse, and criticism start little by little. First, some things were left unsaid, or it took some time to respond to your message. Like days. And he had a solid explanation: his phone broke, the battery ran out. Ok, but there are other communication methods too, like email, using social media from his laptop, etc. You cannot even say for sure whether there were lies. Maybe he was with his friends. And the woman who tagged him in a social media post really was a workmate. You are not sure. You think maybe you misunderstood or forgot that he told you about it. You cannot tell what is wrong, but something just felt off.

Healthy relationships have arguments and disagreements, but CN creates the constant confusion on purpose. You don’t understand where you stand with CN. One day he loves you, the next day he ignores you. One day you are praised and the next criticized. This is done on purpose to make you feel confused and stay that way. When you don’t know what kind of treatment you get, there is confusion instead of consistency; it keeps you stuck with CN and their cycle. You spend time trying to figure out and understand what is going on. You are all the time analyzing without doing much. You are not planning to leave, you are trying to solve the problems and do changes, if you only knew what kind of changes you should do. There is no action. Confusion keeps you stuck because you are searching for answers; you are not planning to leave. You don’t know what is going on, and you want to know first before you make irrational decisions based on assumptions. And this is exactly what CN wants.

3. CN CENTER

During the following months or years, CN becomes the center of your world. You are slowly isolated from your friends, relatives, hobbies, etc. Your goals are postponed, and when your world becomes smaller, the role and meaning of the covert narcissist in your life grows. And it does not happen overnight. You don’t even realise at first that your life is built around CN. That makes leaving very difficult. You would not leave only a relationship, but the center of your life, the person who you have built your life around. Some stay because they don’t want to give up the illusion that someday things will get better. After all the CN seems to regret and promise to change, and you want to give him a chance, believe in him. There is shame in admitting that I was fooled and used. The truth is that you were brainwashed and, in a way, forced into making CN as your primary focus. Rebuilding your life requires connecting again with friends, relatives, and hobbies that you abandoned earlier. And also reconnecting to the parts of yourself that you abandoned. And people ask, “How could you let anyone do that to you?” And you ask the same of yourself. And the truth is that you did not notice it first; it happened gradually.

4. EMPATHY

The more empathic, forgiving, patient, understanding, kind, and compassionate you are, the longer you stay and give second or 20th chances. Because normal people think everyone deserves a second chance and an opportunity to make it right. But CN’s weaponize empathy; every betrayal has an explanation, every lie has a reason, and every hurtful action comes with a story. You become an expert in CN’s pain, but ignore your own. And your needs. That is why CN picked you, because he knows that you are a good person, and uses it against you to keep you stuck while he is doing whatever he wants to do with you and others. He only has to ghost you for a while, come back and be regretful, promise to change and lovebomb you, and then abuse you again. That is the cycle.

5. QUESTIONING

You start to question yourself. You don’t trust yourself, your memory, feelings, or your instincts anymore. And you stop trusting your decisions. Instead of asking why CN behaves the way they do, you start asking what is wrong with you, what did you do or say to make CN do or say what he did. When CN can convince you that you are the problem, you start to observe yourself instead of CN. And this is why you stay trapped for a long time.

6. TRAUMA BOND

You are in a trauma bond and think you are addicted to the person, but you are attached to the cycle. The highs, good moments that feel so good because the lows are so painful. A healthy, secure relationship feels stagnant and boring compared to that. You mistake relief for love. You might mistake sex and kindness for intimacy. Your nervous system is conditioned to seek approval. And you might feel shame for missing someone who hurt you, wanting CN back and struggling to move on. But it is not about being weak; it is conditioning. You adapt to an unhealthy environment; it is your survival instinct, and recovery requires teaching your nervous system that peace is not the same as boredom. Peace means safety.

7. HARD TO HEAL

Healing begins when you stop trying to be understood by CN. People who heal fastest are not always the strongest, smartest, or most confident. The ones who heal the quickest are the ones who stop trying to convince CN, they stop explaining, defending, and proving, seeking closure, and trying to make CN understand them. That is what changes everything, because then the energy turns into the person you can change. Yourself. The cycle breaks because you are not engaging with it anymore; you are not reacting to CN’s behavior, you don’t try to understand it either, you don’t try to reach out and solve things, you stop understanding, giving your love, time, energy, and money. You are not interested in getting involved in CN’s drama or problems anymore. When you stop asking “How do I make CN understand?” and start asking “How do I heal?” is how the recovery starts. If you have experienced these patterns, you simply have to stop caring about CN and start caring about yourself. CN does not care about you. Don’t stop caring, but start caring about you and people who deserve it!

If you need help with Toxic Abusive Relationships aka TAR, there are free meetings and help available: https://starnetwork.org/

He also lied his way into the CEO position at work, which he could not keep long as he did not have the skills for the job. So we moved often as he changed work. And he was put on early retirement as he just got worse when getting older. He was also constantly cheating my mother with other women. Mostly work-related people. Like his secretaries. I guess he chose them himself. He lied to them too. I learned this later from my mother.

My father was always criticizing my mother for something, and ruining her self-confidence and self-esteem day by day. He was complaining about the food, the household, or her looks. My mother confessed later, when I was an adult, that my father had stopped having sex with her, claiming she was too fat. Maybe it was relief for her, as she also cried that he made her do terrible things. I did not ask what those things were. I think that was only an excuse to cheat. It seems to me that CN’s don’t care much who they have sex with as long as it is someone other than their partner. They divorced when my brother and I moved away from home. My father had met a new woman. She was a psychologist. Don’t know how they met. Maybe he was her customer. But he lied to her that he was wealthier than he was. My father was not a looker anymore. He was bald, of average build, and wearing glasses, so he had to compensate for that with something that a lot of women want: money and a good career. I think I met this woman twice and don’t even remember her name.

It is not that I hated my father's new wife. I just did not like her. When she was younger, she had given away her only child after birth and regretted it later. The reason for that kind of decision, I don’t know. When I was pregnant with my son, she had told my father that I should get an abortion because the baby would be damaged because of drugs. What drugs? I did not use any, and neither did my child’s father. She did not even know me. I tried to avoid her as she seemed bananas. And I think I was right. After my father suddenly died in his sleep due to cerebral thrombosis at the age of 62, they had already divorced, but she tried to get some of the inheritance. I think we gave her my father’s car, as it was total crap anyway. My father had lied to her that he owned this and that, when in reality, he owned a part of a city apartment with his siblings and nothing else.

My mother was a nervous wreck. She often cried and threw dishes against the wall because of sheer frustration. She was trapped at home with me, my brother, and a covert narcissist. Later, when we kids were older, she got a job and was quite flirty with men. I think she was compensating for the behaviour of my father rather than wanting to have an affair. I think she also enjoyed attention. She was very proud of being the wife of an engineer and mentioned it to everyone. I guess it made her feel like she was someone. With all respect, I don’t think being an engineer is anything special. My mother was also weird in a way that she tried to get me and my bother agaist eachother, and still does to this day. She once said that my brother had told her that I did something. I don’t even remember what it was anymore. I just said, “I did not do that”. After that, she laughed at me, saying that I just wanted to see if you confessed, and that my brother had not said anything. My mother acted like I was some kind of competitor to her. I did not even know what we competed about. I tried to keep the peace in the house with all my ability, doing what I was told, not saying much and suppressing my own feelings. In a way, I was raising myself when my parents were too involved with CN drama, and I was trying to keep the balance. I took the blame for things that I did not even do if it made things more tolerable.

I remember there was a period when I could not speak. I don’t know why, words just did not come out of my mother anymore. I was a teenager. I was taken to some kind of therapist, and after evaluation, she told my parents that there was nothing wrong with me. I was just spoiled. I think that was quite far from the truth. After that, I have not had much trust or hope in therapy or therapists. My friends are my therapists. I can talk to them about anything without feeling judged. And writing.

I also remember feeling very ugly when I was young, even when I was not. I felt that no one could love me because I was like that. I think I got that from my parents, who were constantly criticizing and commenting on how I look and what I did wrong. All of it was negative, and it was daily. For example, my mother complained that I did not wash dishes properly and that I did that on purpose to avoid the chores. I never felt accepted or being enough. They usually favored my brother. They paid for his driving licence; I had to pay for mine myself later. He was asked to join activities, but I was not. I did not get to do acting like I wanted, as my father thought it was not a proper profession. I always had to prove myself somehow, like in school, I tried to get good grades, and learning was quite easy to me. But still it was not good enough. With CN, it never is. And I tried really hard. I think that is one of the patterns I have. I am overgiving to men I love more or less unconsciously to prove to them that I am worthy. I also feel bad if I buy myself something very expensive, but I have no problem doing that for others. Even when it means I am lacking myself.

I am a workaholic, I do too much, I go the extra mile even when no one has asked it. I am very professional, loyal, and honest. I can lie about small things, like I don’t want to be brutally honest. For example, once my friend showed me a dress she bought. She looked happy and felt sexy in it. It had split on the other side. Her belly stuck out more than usual in that dress, and it did not flatter her. But what does it matter? She was happy and in a good mood. And it was her birthday. We were going out to celebrate that. But I also do that when I should not. I put other people's feelings before my own.

In my childhood, I did not have boundaries. My mother was digging through my things, reading my diary, and bursting into my room whenever. I cannot say that they were violent, but I did get hit more than once by both of my parents. I knew they were not stable or reliable, and I was trying to keep the peace and paid the price for it. I learned to suffocate my feelings as they did not matter or were denied. There was a boy who liked me and whom I liked. He used to ride a motorcycle to see me and ask me out. I finally found someone who seemed to love me. And one day at school, I heard a rumor that he got into a fight with another boy and hit his head on the wall. He was taken to the hospital. I remember praying that night that he would be ok, I tried to bargain with God. That if you save his life, I will do that and that. The next day, I was told that he had died. The boy who hit him was a close family friend. And when I tried to talk about it to my mother, she said that I should not feel that way. That he started the fight, and the other guy was a victim. I guess in court, it does matter who did what, but the result was that he was dead.

I was alone with my sadness and loss. When I moved away from home at the age of 17 to another city because of studies in a new school, I cried. Not for sadness, but joy that I was away from home and never went back. I studied to become a beautician, and my mother said I did it to become beautiful myself. Whatever. I think people should take care of themselves inside and out. I had bad acne, probably because of constant stress. My mother always pointed it out and called me “Pimpleface”. My father tried to help me by sending me to a dermatologist. I wanted to help people with similar problems. I used retinol as a teenager, as that is what they recommend to acne patients besides Roaccutane, so now I have hardly any wrinkles at the age of 40. I also became very good at hiding imperfections with makeup.

When I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, and I got to the age that I could go to bars, I started drinking. Not every day, but quite heavy when I did go out and had money. I was not looking for a relationship or love. To me, it was more like a game. To choose someone and see if I was able to get him interested in me. And usually I did. But I lost interest after that. There was no more challenge for me. When I did fall in love, I fell hard, and that did not happen often. I was in love with the same person for five years to a decade, unless they did something that changed my mind. And when I love someone, there is no one else. I am not interested in anyone else. But the ones I loved most usually chose someone else, and I was devastated. Of course, I did not show it. I pretended like everything is ok, in public I acted like I could not care less, but I was totally depressed at home. I tend to sleep a lot when I don’t like the reality I am living in.

When I was in a relationship, they usually lasted a year or a year and a half max. In that time, I realised that I don’t like this guy at all. Because of the way they treated me. First, they were always nice, loving, caring, and we did things together. This turned into a nightmare little by little. And in the end, it was either violent rage of jealousy or verbal abuse. Usually both. There was a guy who showed up at my workplace and accused me of having an affair with my boss. There was a guy who was banging on my door and shouting, “Open up, I won’t harm you”. Luckily, my neighbor was a policeman. So he got rid of him. There was a guy who climbed to my balcony. I have had a boyfriend who was holding hands with another girl when I showed up to a gathering with friends without giving notice, and another who was in bed with another woman during a house party. The bed was mine. When I look back, I dated the same guy, who was first wonderful and then turned into, if not a monster, at least either a violent drunk or an overly jealous cheater. And now, when I look back with all the information I have consumed, I can say that 80% of them were covert narcissists. And 20% avoidant. I was dating the same guy with a different face.

I was attracted to the same type and still am. But after the last situationship that lasted 4 years, I have had no interest in being with anyone. It went so far that, for my own safety, mental health, and financial stability, I have to protect myself from users. Because they don’t stop, they just get greedier and want more. Covert narcissists are nothing but users. It is what they are, and everything is based on that. First, they act like they are everything else but that. And they are good at it. I am not stupid, easily fooled, or desperate in any shape or form. But I got fooled. I trusted them. They built the trust first to betray me later. Usually, they had multiple women while I was in a relationship with them, and honestly, I did not know. I lived with one guy, and he was overly jealous of me. I did not know that it was because he was cheating himself. When I decided to leave and left everything else but my personal things (as I was too tired to fight what was his and what mine), he was crying and hanging on my leg, saying he would kill himself if I left him. I was concerned that he would stalk me or show up at my door. He did not, one week, and he was in a relationship, got married, and had 3 kids. I heard that he divorced later. I could not care less. When I leave, I don’t look back.

The last cover narcissist was different. He thought I would stay there, giving more and more forever. I did not. I am very capable of walking away. I have a lot of practice in it. To me, it is easier to walk away than stay in relationships. If the relationship is too much work or drama, I don’t see the point of it. But I did want to understand why everything is repeating and why they behave like they do, the same way. You can predict what happens next when you know the CN cycle that they operate with. And after I got my answers that I was dealing with a covert narcissist, there was no more mystery about what was going on. I guess I hoped that there would have been some kind of way to change things and that there would be love. I realised there wasn’t. There was no hope or attempt to change. I had seen that during four years already. CN did make many promises, but even when he was given a chance at therapy and healing, he used it to manipulate everyone, from the psychologist to other clients, and had an affair with one of them. There were no actions to support his words; on the contrary. There was nothing for me to hold to anymore. The relationship with CN did not give me anything. I would have been interested to hear his opinion about the things, how CN thinks, and how his mind works. But I never got any answers to any of my questions. So I gave up trying or waiting for nothing and just left. I had to give the answers to myself.

I always thought that everyone seemed to go crazy after they had been with me for some time. And that it must be something I do or say. And they verified this, at least so I thought. But this is the case with a covert narcissist. They make you believe everything is your fault. You made them do something or angered them. I really thought the problem was me. That I was not enough, I did not love enough, that I did not act right, that there was something wrong with me, and I am not capable of having a healthy relationship. Others had something I did not have. I didn’t know what it was. After I break up with someone, I never rush to find someone new. I am perfectly fine by myself to the extent that I feel better alone than being in a relationship, but that is because I have never had a good one.

There was a time when I was focused on raising my son and having a career, and both turned out pretty well. But I denied love from myself, as they were always a disaster. If someone who claims to love me treats me horribly, I don’t need that kind of “love”. I did not want my son to live in that, see it, or hear it. And I did not want it either. So I was always alone, doing everything alone. I had my friends and family to help me from time to time, and I usually travelled for a week twice a year to go to music festivals abroad. I was not isolated in any way, but it is 24/7 job to be a single mother. I studied a new profession, and my son was at the daycare. But most of the time, I was alone with a child whom I needed to be strong for and act like an adult, taking responsibility for everything. I had also both roles, the mother and father. The provider and caregiver. I did not have much time or energy for intimate relationships. Especially when in my case, they were not even fulfilling.

I tend to pick up emotionally closed men, who I think loved me in some way, but had trouble showing it any other way than sex. In some way, they also denied me. Like I did not exist or matter. One of them said that he did not want to be a father to my child. Well, I never asked him to do that. My son has a father, even when he is not in the picture. When my son moved away from home, I was free again to do whatever I wanted and live a different life. So I moved to California. I knew people there, I worked as a freelancer for companies abroad while I was waiting for my paperwork to be done, and went out to eat, gigs, and shopping. I was happy. But again I had difficulties finding love.

I found people who liked me, but no one ever asked me out. They did ask me if I was going to certain festivals or gigs, and I thought that was weird, as they could have just asked me out. After all, we lived in the same town. There was one guy that I liked. He was easy-going, cute, and honest. He was engaged with twins, but did not live together with the baby mama. He did not use it as an excuse, but told it as a fact. I knew it would not turn into anything else but friends with benefits, but I needed it. So that worked for us. And he did not try to mislead me. I did not love him, but I liked him. I did not try to change his situation or expect anything more of it. I liked his honesty and he had no problem to spend time with me.

I was in love with someone who did not want me. And he chose someone else. He used to bring her under my nose at gigs where I was on purpose. Not sure what he gained from doing that. I bet he was also CN. Because first, he was very into me, doing everything right. Fun and charming. His friends said he is like a big baby. He did not look like one; he looked like a grown-up man. They meant that he was not emotionally mature. He liked to tease me, and he had a great sense of humor, he had a good job, and he was handsome. And suddenly he changed his mind and turned cold. Avoidant, rude, as if I did not exist or matter. I did not try to change his mind. So when I had to leave the country, I left a bunch of potential suitors who might have been good to me if we had had time to get to know each other better. But I was forced to leave.

My last situationship was four years with a covert narcissist. If you want to read about it, you can find more here: Dating A Covert Narcissist: Me-Me Relationship. Only a fraction of it was fun; the rest was confusion, drama, hurt feelings, insults, dismissals, emotional and financial abuse. I thought he was the love of my life because he painted that picture for me early on. I believed him, and he was first wonderful. Supportive and attentive, he introduced me to his friends and family members. I really thought that finally I had found the one, because we had known each other a long time, he made a lot of effort and seemed to be serious, only to find out that he was living a double life and hiding things from me. He was nothing he portrayed himself to be. And now I know he had no intention to be with me, do anything for me, or be with me, even when he had shown me the total opposite first. He wanted to keep me hanging so he could use me. First, I did not want to believe it. When I finally had to, I had no other choice but to leave. I tried to be friends, but the same behavior continued, even when I tried to put boundaries. He just pushed more. Or punished me for putting the boundaries in the first place. Not respecting them or me at all. It had to be a complete absence or silence. If you try to solve things or be civilized, CN takes that as an invitation to abuse you more. And I guess there is also Stockholm Syndrome. I still sometimes read some news and think, “Oh, I have to tell him”. We had similar interests and belonged to certain circles, so he understood me in that sense. And he had a very good sense of humor. Then I remember that we are not talking in terms anymore.

It would be nice to know what he felt when he realised that I had left and I was not coming back. Relief, anger, hurt, joy? Certainly not remorse for how he treated me. I will never know, and I have made peace with the fact that I will never get answers to the questions that I asked or wanted to ask. I also always feel the same with every man afterwards, what did I see in him? Because now I don’t see it anymore. Potential, maybe, but I think there is more to it. I think it is like some kind of hypnosis, a state of mind that, when you are in it, it is almost impossible to get out of. It is a combination of conditioning and grooming that happens over time that molds your thoughts and way of thinking. Similar to what cult leaders do to their followers. I was conditioned to obey or do certain things. It was like he needed me, and I had to help him. And I was capable of doing it. If I did not, I was punished with silence, stonewalling, gaslighting, and ignoring. He also used to compare me and talk about other women to keep me small and diminish my self-confidence, so that he would have power over me, and I would think that I did not deserve anything better. That I was lucky to have him. How twisted. How did I wake up from this hypnosis? One day, I met a guy on the street who helped me to find an address. It was like in the movies. I looked at him, and there was a light around him. I almost hear the background music. He was like an angel to me. Kind, handsome, and he gave me hope that there is something better for me. That I could choose, I could leave.

It has been over a year since I left, and I am now seeing the guy whom I met randomly on the street. He is very open, honest, and communicative. I have known him for about 3 years, but only as an acquaintance. I still have trust issues, and every time I see even a small sign of similarity to the CN, I panic a bit. I think that he is just playing with me and has multiple women. He is only interested in my money. I have to tell myself to stop. Don’t sabotage something yourself. That is what CN would want, so I would return. Not because he loves me, but because it is hard to find a good resource. I try not to act on my emotions right away. As my feelings have not been very reliable in the past either, I trusted CN and his lies. I have to at least give other people a chance. I cannot isolate and heal myself forever. I need people and someone to love me. I try to change my thoughts and earlier programming. If I am wrong again and this man is just pretending to have feelings for me and changes into a monster in a few months, at least I know what I am dealing with. But I am not going to ruin this myself by thinking everyone is the same. I only need one person to prove to me that I am wrong.

We have a lot of mutual friends, and I could ask them if I wanted to, but I am not interested in getting sucked into “he said this and did that, and who said what”. It does not matter. And no one has said anything to me. Maybe he has them convinced that I am the villain, maybe not. I really don’t care. I know what the truth is, and that is enough for me. I could shame and expose him in public, but I don’t think that will change anything; he will just continue doing what he does with other people, regardless of what I do or don’t do.

It is very important for covert narcissists to keep up appearances to the outer world, and my exposure would only make him mad and want revenge, also to innocent people, other women. And most of the people would not believe me. Because he is such a nice guy, fun, and always in a good mood. He is not. Most of the time, he is complaining about something or someone. But I can write about what I have experienced or learned, which might be useful to someone. I don’t have a campaign to tell the world what kind of person he is and what he has done to me and others. But I have a need and maybe also a responsibility to write about covert narcissist abuse.

My wild guess is that CN has twisted all the facts to make himself seem like a victim — once again. That I stopped talking to him and left him without a reason, and he does not understand why. Or denies that we ever even had anything at all, and he has never had feelings for me, and I was the one who chased him. What I do know is that some of our mutual friends spy on me on social media for him. Because suddenly these people want to follow me in social media, and we hardly even say hi or know each other. I am sure CN has asked them to check if I have badmouthed him or hinted something, write about him on social media or seeing someone else. I haven’t. I write here. He also asked me, when we saw four years ago, what people in California had said about him. I said nothing much. He is not that important, but the CN always thinks that the whole world revolves around him.

The CN lost his best resource, me. He thought he would always have me hooked and hanging there when he needed me. He did not understand that he needs me, but I don’t need him. I know that he has tried to replace me, but it is impossible, because I was probably the only one who truly loved him, even when I knew that he was a covert narcissist. He never admitted it or denied it either, when I said that you act like one. He has been in rehab and therapy. When he came back from it, he told me that he lied to the therapist. His father paid it, and he did not even bother to try to heal. It was for him like a vacation in a nice place. And he created some kind of fling with a girl whom he met there. She was also patient, and they were paired for some tasks there. She was also a user, and her boyfriend paid her therapy. I think she had multiple boyfriends who all happened to be rich. And when two liars meet, they first lie about their situation, their feelings and everything else too. She needed someone to finance her business and thought CN had money, because it was a fancy rehab for rich people. And he needed someone to support his rock’n’roll lifestyle and thought she would benefit him as she had her own business. Needless to say, they were not in touch for long, as two users don’t make a good match.

The CN needed someone to support him financially, tolerate his behavior, and advance his career, to help him, support him, be there for him. But only when he wanted it. He vanished and was absent for days, weeks, months, and then came back as if nothing had happened. During those times, he was with some other woman. I was doing everything alone, and he vanished after he got his quick fix. He had family, friends and other women to spend time with. I was not invited anymore. There was no us. There was no effort from his side, just empty promises that never happened. But to the outside world, he was there for me and with me, I could not understand how someone could be so loving and so cruel at the same time.

Some CN’s don’t leave you alone after you leave. They make sure your life will become a living hell. When I left, I did not tell him where I was going. He does not know where I live. When he did, he used to show up at my door uninvited, for no reason. He just happened to be in the area. Not anymore. He knows the town I live in, but it is hard to accidentally bump into me. Not impossible, but the chance is slim. I don’t tell my whereabouts or post to social media my favorite coffee shops or restaurants. And certainly not who is my newest crush. I don’t want CN to ruin my relationships or get any ideas about how to harm someone that I love. Or follow him online. I don’t want him to know who he is, what he does, or where he works, as I don’t even know whether this relationship is going anywhere. We are in a dating phase and trying to get to know each other. Hopefully he is not another covert narcissist, as he is very nice.

I am not going to hide forever, but I am not in a new relationship yet, so there is nothing to tell people. When I am in a secure relationship that we both want and have agreed to be in, then I can make postings in social media of us as a couple. But I don’t want CN to affect that decision or ruin things for me.

This is one problem, I cannot trust nice people. CN’s are the nicest people ever to other people and first to you too. So when someone is nice to me and shows interest, I get suspicious, not in the way that I would turn them down right away or accuse them of something, but in the back of my mind, there is a question that is this another covert narcissist love bombing? I honestly don’t know. I only know that there are people that I do like and people I don’t like. I am open to getting to know someone, but I do go to social media to check if they have other women that they are dating at the same time, girlfriend or wife. Some have, and they forgot to tell me. One of them was my landlord. So yes, you have to be careful with new people.

I am not afraid of CN, but I know that CN does follow his exes new boyfriends. I have seen his friends' list on social media, and it has men who he thought his exes were involved with or had posted something that hinted that. He has even called several men he thought I was interested in. I was not. I just mentioned them or was in the same photo with them. I guess his CN brain cannot understand that some people can be friends or that even when I am not interested in or with him anymore, it does not mean that I have someone else. Because he always has to have someone himself. He thinks everyone else is behaving the same way as he does. I am the opposite. I want to be alone until I feel balanced again and meet someone interesting, which does not happen every day.

I was asked today, how come you fell for a covert narcissist, the red flags are so obvious. My experience is that with a covert narcissist, there are no red flags first. There is nothing to suspect or wrong. They are everything you ever wanted or needed. They do everything right. They are considerate, respectful, and fun to be with. I am not sure what kind of red flags were obvious to him, but I am interested in hearing. I had known my CN since 2007 because of music. I went to his gigs sometimes, we belong to same friends group. He was always nice, funny, and polite. Women were chasing him, not the other way around. He seemed very respectful, hard-working, and humble. That was my impression of him during the years we met occasionally, not in a romantic way. I liked him. He was very entertaining and handsome too. But I was not obsessed with him or anything like that.

What happens after you have been dealing with CN, and even when you have not been in touch with them, is that you have anxiety. They make sure you are always unaware of their whereabouts, that you worry for nothing, and are constantly stressed about something. But this happens by grooming; they don’t change overnight. They are hot and cold. One minute you are the best thing, and next you are nothing. It is the little things you say or do, or the way you look, that they criticize. They start to diminish you and make sure you lose your self-confidence day by day. They do this first so subtly that you brush it off, that they had a bad day, or maybe I do need to pay more attention to my looks or behavior.

They eat your self-esteem in every possible way they can, but they do it little by little. And they study what hurts you most. To use that against you later. They even ask what your dreams and wishes are. In public, they treat you well, but give nasty comments disguised as gently teasing or laugh at you for little things, like saying something wrong. Or praise other women to get a reaction from you. I think it just shows what kind of people they are and nothing about me. But it starts to bother, even when you know that you are a smart and beautiful human being. You start doubting yourself. Maybe I am getting old and not at my best, but everyone is getting older. I did not like to be in photos anymore as I felt that I was not at my best. I became very critical of my looks. Changing me to a younger version is also quite useless, as they do get older every day. They don’t stay in the same age and look the same after 20 years. CN was 40 himself, and me little over. I was 20 once, and I don’t miss those times. When these girls are the same age as me, have gone through things I have, then I would like to see what they look like. Then you could compare them to me. I am not missing my youth at all. I had bad acne skin, I was too skinny, and I was very insecure. I look much better now, even when I am older. And I am certainly wiser. I think CN wants youth like a vampire, they think they become young when they have a young girlfriend.

Anxiety was new to me. I have never been prone to that. But I was during Covid in a strange city, in a country where people were speaking a different language. CN was the only one I knew from there. Not long ago, I heard a gossip that “I had moved after him”. I did not. I had to leave USA. My work permit and residency permit were rejected because of an unanswered request for evidence. They sent it to my old address, so I never had it. But the rejection was sent to my recent address. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Also my rental lease was ending. I was given 33 days to leave the country. I left everything. My way of living, my things, my friends, my lovers, my lifestyle, my home. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I moved to Mexico, the same town as CN, it was his idea. It was the only country I could have gone. All the others had closed their borders. There were no flights anywhere. I could not walk to Mexico from San Diego, but I could fly. And I thought it was good to know at least one person. I thought he was married with a child. I was looking forward to see all of them.

People say we were all in the same situation during Covid. No, you were not. You were living with your family or loved ones. Even if you lived alone, you had a safety net of people who were not only online. I did not have that luxury. My family was far away, and of course, I stayed in touch with them online as every normal person does. But I was also very isolated because of the language barrier, a strange town, a new culture, and my work. I work at home as a freelancer. I had a good income, but no social network of real people who knew me or cared about me, who I could meet. And during Covid people were afraid of the new and unknown. I did not even know what they looked like without a mask. CN was not afraid. He was on a mission to find a new resource, and he got it for multiple years. I needed a friend, lover, someone. And he was it for me.

I had someone to talk to, see, and go out. We had similar backgrounds, we had the same friends because of the music scene. He used to live in Los Angeles, but moved to Mexico because of his mother. She had cancer and was healing after treatments. And he seemed like any other man who is trying to figure out their life. I was trying to do that too. We all were during Covid. So also the circumstances were not normal. I thought he was married with a kid. He had the kid, but he was not married and had separated from the baby mama. At least that is what I thought. When I look back, I think he was seeing us both and other women too.

But his behavior later is what made me anxious. He wanted to see me and did not show up. I did not know what was happening. Afterwards, he had excuses. He fell to sleep, his phone died, the charger broke, his mother needed him, he had to work late, whatever. When the truth was that he was with someone else. I never knew if he was coming or not. Then I stopped waiting. I did what I would have done anyway, and he did show up or not. I started doing work, so if he did not show up I made money. First I thought something happened to him and I was worried. I tried to contact him and discuss about this. I asked why do you do this? No answer. I was in different culture and first I thought that this might be because time in Mexico is not always exact.

I now have trust issues. A lot of us do, but this is based on real fear, that when someone is nice to me like CN was first, he will turn into a monster later. CN is not an emotionally or physically safe person to be with. We don’t know if someone is going to use us or betray us in a major way. We learn that later. The best manipulators make sure there are no red flags to warn. I am, of course not a helpless victim; I can say no. I can refuse to see or meet someone. What I mean is that CN’s build trust, you learn to trust them, and then they betray you or become someone you don’t know anymore. I guess that is a risk we all take when starting a relationship with someone.

I was introduced to CN’s friends and mother. We went out eating when we could during Covid and spent time together. He was fun and treated me well, until he didn’t. Suddenly, he was distant and avoiding me. He sounded irritated when I tried to contact him and was always busy with family or work. He was first there for me and with me, until he was not. And I could not understand how someone can go so quickly from so loving and caring to ignorance. Now I know that this was a sign of a new woman in the picture that I was not aware of. If you want to know how far a covert narcissist will go when he thinks he can do whatever without consequences, check my ebook: Dating A Covert Narcissist: Me-Me Relationship.

If someone is nice to me, I am not sure what that means. Being nice means to me now that the person might want to use me, because this has not happened to me only once, but multiple times. So when someone is not very into me, I think I feel more attracted to him. Gives mixed signals. That is at least not love bombing. So I am somewhat confused now and cannot say for sure if someone genuinely likes me or not. I hope this new guy does, but I am not sure. But I try to avoid repeating the same mistakes myself.

I have also noticed that if I don’t hear from him for a few days, I get anxious that he is playing games like CN was. I feel relieved when I hear from him again. I try to be open about the things, but I don’t want to explain too much why I feel what I feel, as he is not my therapist. He knows about the CN and some of it. I think that is enough. I want to focus more on doing things and having experiences together. Getting to know better. But I do confess that I checked if his ex is still friends with him on social media, she is not. I was relieved.

I do wish that CN would change and become a genuinely nice person, stop faking love, and stop using people. That he would not need to lie and manipulate anyone. But I don’t think that will ever happen. He does not change. He should not try to get into multiple relationships at the same time when in reality he needs therapy and an exorcist. I hope he is the last CN I am having a relationship with. We will see. I tend to find the same man in a different package, so it is interesting to see if this new one is also one of them. I just need one man to prove me wrong. I also have to be brutally honest with myself and not explain things, that he was just tired or that he did not mean it. Put boundaries on what I tolerate and what not. Now I at least know what I don’t want. I try to communicate what I do want and need from the relationship, and also give the same. Giving has never been a problem to me; it is overgiving that happens over time. And it is not people pleasing as some say. I want to help people when they are in a bad spot and see them thriving. Not to be dependent on me. Somehow, I end up being the provider. So maybe I should try the opposite. Receiving.

“If love ever finds me again. May the universe let me meet someone who loves me as deeply as I do. Someone who is never okay with hurting me. Someone loyal, kind & devoted. Someone who will never make me feel unwanted. Someone who feels like home & also finds home in me. “

You have probably read true stories and articles about covert narcissists. How they are, what they have done, and what they keep on doing. I think it is my responsibility to tell my story or parts of it to at least try to save someone's sanity and help them heal. I can only talk from my point of view, and I am sure that there are also female covert narcissists. I am a woman who has been in relationships or situationships with multiple covert narcissist men — yes, one after another, without knowing it. So I can only write about what I have experienced. I don’t choose them consciously. But the last one was the most emotionally damaging. We easily think that would never happen to me, or I would never let anyone treat me that badly, but it does happen over a long time, and it is first so subtle, that you don’t even understand the abuse. And there are so many things that are hidden from you or lied about. First, you believe them. That they just need a little help to get back to normal, that they also had bad luck in love, and they act like victims. But the truth is, they created all that themselves.

The covert narcissist makes you doubt yourself, question your judgment, instinct, or sanity. And I do see people apologizing to them when they should not. CN often pushes people to their limits, and when they react, the CN blames them. This is very effective in public; if the other one loses their temper, they can say to others, “Look how crazy she is and what I have to tolerate.” I have even heard “my CN” say “She is a narcissist” about his ex. I don’t know whether she was or not; I have never met her. But I do know that she is in therapy because of him. So I have reason to believe that she is trying to recover from emotional and physical abuse, while CN does not even try to change and continues abusing new people. Or the old ones who still let him do that.

And it is interesting how caring CN can seem. They love their pets, at least in front of others. But they actually use even them to get sympathy as pet lovers. They cannot be a bad person when they treat their pets so nicely. Right? They seem to take good care of them, but do they? CN often used them as an excuse or asked me for money because the dog is sick and needs to go to the vet, or needs food, etc.

In the end, I started buying food for the dogs instead of giving money. That way, I was helpful, and the dogs did have food. I did not have proof that CN lied to me, but I did not have proof that he did not either. What I did notice is that the dogs (he had two) were both anxious and overly attached to him. Just like the women in his life. Even the dogs were trauma bonding. I saw him treat the dogs nicely, but why were they so anxious?

He might have done this with multiple people. It was extra income for him. I once happened to see his bank statement, and different people were sending him money several times a week. He usually pretends that he has some kind of emergency, and people want to help him in his difficult situation. Or he asks to borrow a small sum that he will pay back, which never happens. He also complains that he lost his phone, his car broke down — So now he cannot contact or come to see you. Then women offer to help as they want him to be able to be in contact with them or see them. Then he will vanish after getting money and return later when he needs more, and this continues until the woman puts a stop to it. Classic love scammer behavior. I first thought that he really is in urgent need of money. And they were never big sums. On his bank statement, there was one name that I suspect he was seeing at the same time as me. And I was right. She is still dealing with him; I am not. First, you believe him, then you suspect that he lies, but you don’t have proof of it. When you see the proof, you cannot deny it anymore and cannot unsee it.

He always pretends to be romantically involved with multiple women at the same time, and some think that they are in a relationship. That way, the women would invest in him. He usually keeps younger women for sex and older women for money. He is not picky at all. All women who are generous in one way or another are welcome to his life. He will vanish quickly when they stop giving him or asking questions. And if they are only online, even better. To me, he acted first like I was the only woman in the world, until I found out it was quite the opposite.

This CN never posted any photos of the women on social media. That way, he can keep multiple women, tell them stories, pretend to love them, use them, and act to others that he is single. No wonder he was so busy all the time. He makes all these women believe that they are in some kind of relationship or that he is in love with them, but he does not show it with actions. It is all an illusion and empty words.

If you search him on Instagram, he is tagged in multiple women's postings, and some are quite surprising. The time when we vanished, he was with some Canadian girl on holiday. He never took me anywhere. To me, he said it was a couple from Canada. His friends. From the posting, I saw it was only her. There was no man. And his friend's wife seemed to be in love with him in the past, and I am pretty sure that they had a sexual situationship. She is still following him and sometimes commenting on other people's postings of him, about his gigs, when she should be more interested in her own husband. She is still hooked. At one party, she came to talk to me, and I found it amusing that she was trying to fish information from me. CN’s make people obsessed with them.

Once CN told me that he broke up with his ex, but according to her posting, he did not — at least not at that time. The girl posted that CN was her “partner”. But in public in CN's profile or postings, she was never mentioned or shown. None of these women existed in his social media or even in his speech. If I asked about them, he denied everything and accused me of jumping to conclusions. In public, he does not give the position of girlfriend to anyone. The amount of lies he has told me related to other women is unbelievable. I did not even know they existed, but it seems that there is an endless list of them. He is seriously not in his right mind. He does the same to everyone and thinks he can get away with it.

My approach to us was first, let’s see how this goes, or where this goes. Now I know it does not go anywhere. We had known for a long time, but we had never been close. And I had a good impression of him. He was always polite, funny, and entertaining when I saw him at the gigs. So I was not prepared for what was coming. And with money, it made sense. All his tours with his band and DJ gigs were cancelled because of Covid. But I was thriving with my remote job. I moved to the same town as him when Covid started, so I was alone, and he was the only person I knew. I was isolated, and that is also a reason why he became important to me. He was the only one I saw and who seemed to care.

The amount of betrayal, disrespect, and manipulation does hurt. I wanted to believe him, but when I saw the proof of what kind of person he is, the only conclusion I can make is that I have to walk away, never see or talk to him again, and write about all this. You cannot reason or solve anything with a covert narcissist. I have tried, and it is like talking to walls. Nothing gets solved. The only thing that happens is that CN turns everything against you. You are difficult, you are dramatic, and they don’t have time or interest in what you say. Actually, he said that “I don’t need this.” Well buddy, I don’t need either!

He acted like we were in a relationship when it suited him, and other times, he ignored or denied me. If I demanded more, or wanted an explanation of where he was or questioned him, he said “I did not know I needed to tell you” or “I never promised you anything” or, a few times that he loved someone else. I knew that he lied. What I did not know that time that was that he is not able to love anyone. I was just confused that if you don’t love me, why are you here in my apartment telling me that and have no hurry to leave. I heard him say many time someone at phone in front of me that he loves them. He confessed me once, that he does not love anyone.

First I did not understand this, and I was thinking that this cannot be true. He cannot stand there and say he loves someone else. The first time this happened I said, “Then it is better that we don’t see anymore.” And I did not, but these loves never lasted long, as there never was any love. And he returned charming and loving. Saying he made a mistake and that he will change. CN try also triangulation, meaning that they let you know that there is someone else they are interested in or involved with, so you would compete of them. At the end the only thought I had was, please take this man away from me, as he is only a burden to me, and I don’t get anything out of this. Just keep him!

When I am not given a position of girlfriend, I don’t have the right to question or demand. But I do have right to ask where I stand. I never got the clarity of that. I guess I was nothing if I was not giving something way or another. He does not have the right to ask money from me, waste my time, or have my effort if we don’t have any kind of relationship. He acted like we were in a relationship and I was his girlfriend for asking me things that people in a relationship do, like I was obligated to help him, even when we did not have sex (anymore), he was seeing other women or men (I think he is secretly gay and hates women); he never invested in our relationship or helped me in any way. Every time I needed help, he made sure he was not around, lied that he had something else to do, or just ignored me.

Of course, there were good times and moments too. I had fun. But compared to all the negatives, it was breadcrumbs. That is the whole point: give a little, so those few moments feel special. When we went out, he was charming, handsome, funny, and talkative. Perfect boyfriend in public. But then he drove me home, and I was alone again. I was part of his show-off to other people. I am attractive, clever, and presentable. I did not know he was a covert narcissist; I could not understand why he was behaving the way he was. First loving and caring and then ignoring me. And he was not the only man in my life who did this. I had to find out why. I seriously thought first that it was something I did. Someone might say it was because you let him use you. It is not that simple, I am not someone who is easy to use. He gained my trust to betray me. He studies who I am, what I like, what I want, what my dreams are and used them against me. I was looking for answers. Now I know what covert narcissist is and how they operate, and there is no curiosity anymore. I know how things go. They repeat the same cycle over and over again with everyone. Not just me.

There were times when I confronted him or asked why he did this and that repeatedly. His speciality was to ask to see me, and then he did not show up. He did this so many times that when we were supposed to see, instead of waiting for him, I started working. That way, I did not get frustrated or annoyed. I made money instead. I work as a freelance translator, so my home is my office. He did not send any message, either; he did not give any explanation, he just ghosted. During four years, he sent maybe few times a message that he is late or cannot make it. Even when he was the one who wanted to see me, not the other way around.

Why would anyone ask to meet if they have no intention to see you? I did not know then what I know now. I acted with him first, like he would be a normal person, and I tried to solve the issues. It is a waste of time with CN. They do these kinds of things all the time — on purpose. It is to take you off balance, and I guess the aim is to make you call or message them multiple times when they ignore you. Don’t ask me why. I guess it amuses them or is proof to them that they have control over you. First I was in distress and anxious as I did not know what had happened; maybe he had an accident. Now I know he wanted me to act that way. The amount of stress and anxiety that a covert narcissist causes with their behavior is huge. When this goes on for long it will often trigger also physical health issues.

When you read what he has done, you probably ask why you would want to have anything to do with that kind of person. Because he was not always like that. First he was very attentive, caring, generous, and loving. He contacted me multiple times a day, did show up, and even brought me gifts. He acted like I was the love of his life. He did not even see anyone else. Or at least I thought so. In reality he was seeing others behind my back all the time. And it took me a long time to figure out what changed. I first thought that it was something I did or said. That he stopped loving me for some reason. Because the CN lets you think so. They are masters of manipulation and blame shifting. It is always you, never them.

Keeping multiple women at the same time is their security. When one leave there is always other one ready waiting. They rotate women. If one is angry at them, they go to another oneand when she gets fed up, they check if one of the old ones has already forgotten and forgiven what happened earlier or if there are new ones to fool. They need these women to lift them up, do things for them, regulate their feelings. Basically they cannot function without them, they collect them like stamps. They cannot accomplish anything alone. Only thing they are good at is creating illusions and take. These women do everything for them. Handle their career, arrange them opportunities, introduce them to right people, pay their bills, change their mood when something goes wrong. They are freeriders who put up a good act and others will take care of them.

With other people, you trust them, and they prove you either right or wrong; with a covert narcissist, you can be sure that you cannot trust them. In that sense, there will be no surprises. They are consistent in lying, cheating, betraying, and being disappointing. At first, when they are lovebombing you, they put effort into gaining your trust and being vulnerable; they want to know your dreams, your insecurities, your hopes and wishes. They want you to open up to them. They study you, so they can manipulate you. You give them weapons to use later to hurt you. If you confess to them something, they will use it against you later.

I am quite confident and resourceful. I am also quite clever. It is not easy to fool me, but he got away with it for some time. I had a feeling that something is not right, but I could not say what, and I did not have any proof. Now I do know he does all this on purpose. It was hard for me to understand that, because I am the kind of person who would rather try to figure out ways to make money than pretend to be in love with someone to get money or sex out of them. Why would I want sex with someone I don’t even want? He is a male golddigger. I guess sex is to them about control and power, not love. To me, it is one way of showing love. So we have totally different thought processes and needs that don’t match. He was only interested in what he can gain and I was doing the giving.

Then there is the mother. CN praises his mother as she is the only woman that understand him. And he might be right. She lets him get away with everything. He also uses his mother for money and other benefits. Like living free at her house when needed. She is also very controlling and meddles with her son's love life. She was always very friendly to me, but I am sure she was not so nice behind my back. She did warn me about him though. She said to me, “Be careful with him.” And I did not understand then what she meant. I thought she just did not like me and wanted us to break up. Now I know exactly what she meant. She is afraid of her own son, or rather, things he is capable of doing to others. If you want to know what he did, you can read it in my book Dating A Covert Narcissist: Me-Me Relationship.

My theory is that covert narcissists do not look for a woman who is equal to them; they look for another mother who gives them endlessly without getting anything in return, who sacrifices their money and life for them. When a woman gives them endlessly and acts like their mother, as they want, they start ignoring the woman. Now they are no longer sexually attracted to her, because she reminds him of his mother. And he has sex outside the relationship with someone who is acting total opposite. I was called boring. This works also their benefit so that some women are willing to do everything to prove that they are not boring and doing things that they don’t normally want to do.

I had two tiger statues in my apartment, one bigger than the other. To me, they represented a male who is protecting the female. But he said, “Oh, a mother and child.” I think that perfectly describes the difference in our thinking. I was looking for a protective partner, he a giving and protective mother.

After tolerating much of what most of us would call bullshit, I decided to leave for good. I had tried it multiple times, but I was also used to the rollercoaster relationship. The highs felt good. But when I put the emotions aside and looked at everything rationally, I was not getting what I wanted and needed. Not even if we were just friends. He would never change, and I was the one who was suffering financially and emotionally. I did not have any romantic feelings. I did not see him that way anymore. The hopes and dreams were the same, but I did not want him anymore. I did not care who he was with and what he did. I also did not feel need to talk or try to solve anything.

He is covert narcissist and continues doing same things to others as he did to me. I wish it would not be like that, but he will always find someone new to “help” him. I don’t think he is ever happy, as nothing is ever enough for him, and he is never satisfied with what he has. But I am free and can do whatever I want. He has no control over me anymore; the emotional bond he created was based on mental and financial abuse. He tried to break me, get me to lose my self-respect, confidence, and love. That did not happen. Only thing that did happen was that I realised that I am wasting my time and effort with this man. It was high time to pack my bags and just go. There is rest of my life waiting, this chapter is closed.

This is an unfortunate true story, and it is not easy to explain how the covert narcissist gets people so hooked. First, there is love bombing, which is lovely as they really do everything in their power to charm you. And I have fallen for it every time. My weakness is handsome, charming men with complex personalities. Of course, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I am not the only one who has fallen for them. So they are quite used to being chased by women, and I guess that at some point they realised “Hey, I can use women as they so willingly want to give me something, may it be sex, help, or money. And I don’t need to do much to get what I want.” In some cases, when they treat women badly, they just get more addicted. These women don’t walk away as they should; they compete with others and usually blame the other women, not the CN, for the drama. This is exactly what CN wants: you to compete with someone else over him. He enjoys the attention from multiple women who want to prove to him and others that they are better than the other women. This way he has multiple women who give to him and he can always go to the one that does the highest bidding.

But they forgot that it was not the bad behavior that attracted us all, but the promise of something called love. And you cannot keep up that illusion very long. I am not a masochist at all, so I don’t enjoy being used, cheated, or lied to. And it is really confusing when this man, who was first so into you, suddenly becomes cold and ignorant. The aim is to encourage you to try harder, do more, and give more to them. Suddenly, you are nothing. The only thing I could think was that this man does not love me, or he could not act this way. Ghost and ignore.

And there are signs that there are others. If you ask straight, they act like you are not in your right mind. “She is my ex. What can I do if she posts an old photo of my dog to social media?” Why would she post an old photo of your dog to social media? “How would I know? She is crazy.”

And this cycle happens with every woman. Not just you. Everyone. I thought first that he loves someone else, not me. But later learned that a covert narcissist loves no one. Not even themselves. They operate by their wants and needs. Covert narcissists are tricky because first, they seem so open, vulnerable, sensitive, thoughtful, and even generous. They are the victims, and life has treated them unfairly. You will see soon how selfish and self-centered they are. Only their needs and wants matter, and they don’t care how they fulfill them. They lie, cheat, throw you under the bus, and steal to get what they want.

The covert narcissists are easily humiliated and feel anger towards anyone who criticizes them or makes them feel less. To compensate for this inferiority complex that they secretly have, they try to put you down. They can laugh at you in public, first teasingly, and later they are plain rude and want you to react. So they have proof to show others that you are not a balanced person. But every time they are criticized or do something wrong, they shrink and look like a child who was wrongfully punished. And that is why they don’t like you. You are not allowed to do the same to them as they do to you. It is a very conflicting situation. Why does someone pretend to love you if they don’t? Like any gold digger, because you benefit them somehow. If you tangle the carrot, they come running, and vanish as quickly too after they get what they want. And it does not matter who gives that to them. They are not picky. They pretend to have feelings for you to use you. It is that simple.

They do have a crushes that fade as quickly as they start and often turns into resentment. They were not what they thought they were, or rather, they did not get what they wanted from them. They did not behave the way they wanted. Either you do what covert narcissists want or give them what they want, or you are useless to them, and they are not interested in you. You are like their mother, not an equal partner. They are like a child who wants their mother to give to them, sometimes attention, sometimes money. And they don’t see anything wrong with it. Quite the opposite, they act like they are entitled to special treatment and your money.

The cycle that they live by is 1. Idealization (Love Bombing), 2. Devaluation, 3. Discard/Withdrawal, and 4. Hoovering. It happens to the best of us. We meet someone and feel giddy every time we meet them, or interact with them, get a message from them, or hear from them. But when we get to know them better, we start to see their faults and dark side. And we are not so attracted to them anymore. But depending on what these things are, it might be that their positive qualities outshine the negative ones. In the case of a covert narcissist, this does not happen. The more you find out, the more disbelief and disgust you will have. How is this even possible? The lengths these people go.

A covert narcissist gets disappointed with you when you are not like they wanted or thought, when you are not perfect in their mind. And no one ever is. How dare you be human with faults? Then they put their interest and love bombing into someone else. Usually, they have multiple options available. They collect women and keep them hanging by staying in contact with them behind your back. They can be absent for long periods and think that enough time has passed to make a return, as nothing has happened. Especially if they did not find anyone else who would give more to them. Not everyone is as giving as you are. After a long time, CN can suddenly call, message, or show up where you are, and they start the cycle all over again. Or at least try. They are again charming, loving, and you are the only one they have ever loved.

But then comes the next phase again. Covert narcissists use passive-aggressive tactics like gaslighting, victim-playing, and emotional withdrawal to keep you confused and bonded. They lie straight to your face and deny everything, even if there is solid proof. They are always the victim, and you are the one who is annoying with your questions or bothering them. They are stressed and don’t want to hear your nagging or questioning. I heard things like “It is not your business.” “Have you been snooping?” or “What is your agenda?” My agenda was to love him and support him, build something together. But I realised I am doing it alone. He was just using me. Emotionally, financially, but not sexually, as I stopped being intimate as quickly as he friend-zoned me, or I had proof he had other women. It was not that I did not want him anymore; it was to protect myself. I did not want to be emotionally tied to a person who did not commit to me. I need to feel physically and emotionally safe before I want to have sex with someone. I don’t want a man who wants to control others; I want a man who can control himself. He was obviously not my man.

Covert narcissists live by their wants and needs, like a child who has no understanding of consequences, patience, or tools to control themselves. They control others and need other people to regulate their feelings. My covert narcissist did contact me when he either wanted or needed something. All the other times were occasions when he aimed to benefit somehow, and he was preparing or testing the waters by pretending to care or be interested in. When he was with me, I made the world seem like a good place again, and him feel like he was something special. Then he happily trotted to another woman. Without telling me of course.

Covert narcissists do it on purpose; they hurt you on purpose to get a reaction out of you. I don’t know whether it is to them proof that you care or that they can control you. Maybe both. You are their puppet. They can make you cry, angry, or jealous. I didn’t do any of these. I am an emotional ninja. When he praised other women to me in public, I raised an eyebrow. When he asked me come to his workplace to pay me back the money he owed, just to tell me that he did not have the money, I raised an eyebrow. When I found out that he is having a whole relationship behind my back, I blocked him and sent a message that “Have a good life”. I found out later, not from him, that he had beaten up that “girlfriend” of his, and she was “rescued” by her family and was in therapy. When I asked about that, the CN said, “She deserved it. You should know what she did to me.” But he never told me what she did to him. Either it was too shameful, or it did not happen.

Why would I care for someone who does not care about me? Why it took me so long to leave? It was because I was bored repeating this cycle, and I wanted to figure out if it was something I did. Yes and no. I could not have known that I was seeing a covert narcissist, as I did not know that they even existed. I should have set stronger boundaries and left earlier, but I have never been very good at setting boundaries or even being self-aware of certain things. This is because I was raised by a covert narcissist. I was punished if I did not behave the way my parents wanted; I was the problem, not them. I was not allowed to express my feelings. I was supposed to do my part of the housework, succeed at school, and I was always criticized. No matter how much I tried, it was never good enough. And that is how it is with a covert narcissist. Once, my mother was in tears and said that my father did not like that I used makeup. I was thinking, “What the hell is wrong with these people?” How can I have healthy boundaries when I did not even know what healthy was?

What I did know was that I did not deserve covert narcissist abuse. Financial or emotional. I thought he would not hit a woman. I was wrong. But he never did that to me. Either he respected me in that sense or was afraid of me. I am very strong-minded, and there were moments, days, weeks, months that I did not want to get out of bed. I felt that I would never find love or no one loves me. It was not only him, but all the men in my life who had let me down or betrayed me one way or another. And then I understood it. Why am I paying so much attention to what he does and so little to what I do? Why do his words weigh so much more than mine? They did not. He just made me believe that they did. So I stopped. I stopped caring, being available. I stopped thinking that I should help him in any shape or form. I should help myself. I should be the center of my life. I should make myself happy, not others. I become useless to people who want to use me. I don’t mean you never help anyone, but certainly not someone who would not do the same to you. Let other women keep him and fight for nothing. There was nothing for him to give. He was not able to give the only thing I ever wanted - love. He said himself that he does not love anyone. Well, he used the word “love” often for a man who does not love anyone. Not to me, to others. He made sure I heard it when he was on the phone.

So I moved to another town. Not because of him, but because I wanted. He does not know where I live. He is blocked everywhere. I have no interest in seeing him, be in contact, or even speak. The reason you will find in my book Dating A Covert Narcissist: Me-Me Relationship. The things that was the final straw. I have nothing to talk about or solve anymore. I know what covert narcissists do, how they behave, and they have nothing to give to me. I see or hear him sometimes online. He sings in a band, and he is a damn good singer. He has done records, and people love him on and off stage. When I once told about him to one of my female friends, she said: “You make him sound like a terrible person.” You have no idea. He certainly is not the fun Mr Nice Guy he pretends to be. You have the right to think whatever you want. I did not come here to prove anything or be mean. It is what it is. But he ain’t got me. I am free.

He might find hundreds of new women. But none of them is me. He will never find another me. He did not respect me or love me. He never thought about how I felt, whether I was alone, how I was doing, or what kind of state of mind or financial trouble he put me in when I was cleaning up the messes that he had made. He was fun for a drink, dinner, and going out. But that’s it. He was never there when I needed him. Now, when I think about it, he never gave me anything I needed or wanted. He could not, as there is nothing to give. He is like an empty shell. It was also against his agenda. He was never vulnerable or real with me. I doubt he is that with anyone. It was always about control and ego.

I loved him. I was honest with my feelings; I would have been a great partner, but he did not want me. Or if he did, he never said it. He wanted to use me, but not aknowledge me or anything I did. He said that he would always like me to be in his life. Well, not after the shitshow he put me into. His ego and need for control were bigger than my love. I did not need therapy, he does. I need to live more and feel more. Be loved. Not be small anymore, so the other one can feel big. It is time for me to shine. I am the love and light. And he did not choose me. So be it.

He thought I would always be there, hanging in hope that things would change. He does not seem to know me well. I am more than capable of walking away from nothing. I cannot say, “What did I ever see in him?” Because I still see what could have been. But I cannot do it alone. I don’t want to waste more time to someone who does not want to invest in me, or to us. I don’t think he can. He lives for drama, lies and betrayal. I am not going to settle anymore. I know what I want and it is not a covert narcissist. It is a man with heart.

I did not know that such a thing as covert narcissism even existed. My whole life, I have wondered what is wrong with me and why the same things repeat in my close relationships. They start good and end bad. When you are a child, you don’t know about anything else. It is what it is; you don’t have experience of living with other kind of parents. And I did not have experience with healthy relationships, just toxic ones. It was my norm. I still find it very difficult to find men who are not toxic interesting. I am used to the highs and lows of rollercoaster trauma bonding relationships and fixing things. I enjoy the challenges and intensity, but not the betrayal, lies, and cheating.

After dating a really manipulative covert narcissist that went to extremes, I decided to play along with it to finally understand what was going on and put an end to this generational curse. I paid a high price for it, but I finally got the clarity and answers I was looking for. Not from the covert narcissist, as they will never admit anything and deny everything, but I finally found information about what I was dealing with.

I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, like I thought. I thought that I was the common factor here. But it was the other way around. I was dealing with a covert narcissist, one after another, without knowing it. I did not do anything wrong. The more I learned, the more I was convinced that I was dealing with a covert narcissist, as everything matched. When I knew what covert narcissism and the cycle they operate by are, it was a big relief to me. I finally had clarity. They are nothing like grandiose narcissists, who are easy to recognize. I also understood why I was attracted to covert narcissists. Because I was used to them and they were familiar. I know how to deal with them, but at the expense of my own well-being. I was trained to tiptoe, to be silent, and to keep up appearances. My model of a man was a covert narcissist. I am not imagining things, and I am not bitter or twisted. I am quite balanced and smart. That is exactly what covert narcissists want: someone who handles everything for them. They take, and you give. I just want to tell my story and hope that it helps someone who is dealing right now with covert narcissist abuse and trauma bonding. There is a way out and to heal.

It would be best if you spot a covert narcissist at an early stage of dating, so you avoid the abuse and getting tangled in the web of lies and betrayal completely. There are no exceptions; covert narcissists act all the same way. They follow the same pattern regardless of what nationality they are or what their upbringing is. Some claim that covert narcissism is caused by trauma, but not by my experience. If that were true, all traumatized people would become narcissists. I think it is inherited. Their brain doesn’t function like normal empathic person's brain does. They really don’t care about others, but they act as if they do.

It is impossible at first to spot a covert narcissist, as they seem kind, charming, generous, vulnerable, open, and interested in you. People usually see them as charming, fun, and nice guys. Because that is what they are to the outer world. They are everything you ever wanted, loving, caring, and seem to be into you. In the first few months, there are no clear or visible red flags. They do everything right, or the red flags are so subtle that you cannot even say that they are red flags. After all, some things can happen to anyone. The caring and interest in you is unfortunately only an act, and it does not last long.

A few early signs that you might be seeing a covert narcissist are, by my own experience:

1. They like everything you like. This is an attempt to bond with you quickly. You like vanilla ice cream, so do they. You are interested in yoga. So are they. Even when they are not. In my case, my CN also wanted to do whatever I was doing. I was doing translations. He wanted to start doing translations, which he never did. When he suddenly wanted to become a real estate agent, even when he had never mentioned any desire to be one before, I knew he was seeing a real estate agent behind my back. And I was right. He did.
2. They hardly compliment you. And if they do, the compliment is said robotically and quickly, like a rehearsed phrase. They don’t even look you in the eyes. Compliments are something that CN knows they are supposed to give, but don’t really mean it. They do praise other women in front of you later, but not in the early stages. Later they want reaction. But at early lovebombing phase you are the only one in their life. Even when you are not. They say this same thing to multiple women. You are the only one who can help them. You are an angel sent from heaven above.
3. They paint a bright future and make plans that never happen. He wants to go on that trip with you, but doesn’t make practical plans or have money for it. He wants to take you to that fancy restaurant, but does not tell you when. The big plans never happen. They have no problem lying about them either.
4. In public they can be the perfect boyfriend, but privately they are always complaining or whining about something. Something broke, they got an unexpected bill, they got laid off from work, their car broke down, their phone stopped working… And this continues. They don’t ask for money, they hint and see if you pay for dinner or offer to help them somehow in their difficult situation. They can first treat you or pay something for you, but this won’t last long. It is to gain your trust and make them seem generous. He is now having a rough time, but with your help, he will thrive again. That day will never come; there is always something.
5. All their exes are crazy. Or at least he says so. The truth is that he drove them crazy. You have never met them, and he does not want you to have anything to do with them, because he knows that if you do, you will learn the truth about them.
6. They might have children they don’t even mention and don’t support financially or see at all. But they want children.
7. They hide things. They disappear, don’t answer, or don’t show up. And they have explanations. This is to test how far they can go and what you tolerate and believe. You should not tolerate any of that, but they first seem harmless things that can happen to anyone. The phone battery died, their mother needed them, they were working overtime etc.
8. They stare at you without blinking. They look at you like you are the only woman in their life. They can smile in your face and plot terrible things in their mind. And sometimes they go from your place straight to the next woman. Seriously. Sometimes they talk about themselves in 3rd person or act like a child. They can talk like a child with a different voice: “Me, I don’t like that.” When they don’t like something.
9. They have two phones, as they often have shady businesses, or they keep multiple women. All these women are “just friends”.
10. They want you to meet their friends and their mother, who usually lets them to do whatever they want, but the CN doesn’t have an interest in meeting your friends or your relatives. They avoid seeing them.
11. They have a weird relationship with their mother. They are often raised by single mother, or the father was absent mentally or physically, so CN became the replacement of the missing partner and is responsible for the emotional well-being of their mother. They can talk multiple times a day on the phone with their mother, and they also ask for advice from their mother when it comes to relationships and you. Usually, their mother does not like you, and they think no one is good enough for their son. Their mother always comes before you and can sabotage your relationship on purpose. CN does not see anything wrong with that.
12. They usually have addictions that they hide. Alcohol, drugs, sex, something similar, or all of them.
13. They don’t have many real friends; their friends are rather surface-level people who they benefit from somehow, or so-called flying monkeys, who believe everything CN says and support them. They also might call their boss “a friend”, or someone they just met. They also call women they have sex with “a friend”. They always keep “harem” behind your back and flirt online to get more new women to use. They are predators.
14. They cannot keep a job, and it is always someone else's fault, not theirs.
15. They are very manipulative and try to make you do things that you don’t really want to do. When you refuse to “help them” or do something for them, they get offended and say, “Forget it.” And then you don’t hear from them for months. Which is a good thing, but you don’t feel that way first. Or they try to guilt trip you to do what they want. “I knew you would not help me. No one does. You don’t love me.”

If more than one sounds familiar, you might be dating a covert narcissist. And when you start trusting them, then everything changes. Their behaviour becomes nasty. If you want to know what really happens after the first love bombing stage, I tell all about it in my ebook called Dating A Covert Narcissist: Me-Me Relationship.

I truly wish you don’t have to go through what I have. But I had one advantage, I was raised by a covert narcissist. During the years Í have developed coping mechanisms that others don’t necessarily have, ways to center myself, and how to get back on my feet again after betrayal and abuse. I knew I could not trust my parents, so who can I trust? I had to learn to trust myself at an early age.

I am disappointed that again, one man more in my life turned into a monster. It seems to me that finding true love is too much to ask. But maybe understanding the problem is a start of solving it!

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