The blog article “Signs of possible manipulation or (sexual) abuse” touched a lot of men and women around the world. I am very grateful and deeply touched by the many courageous and openhearted reactions. So I thank you all deeply. ❤

So many good questions where asked. Why do men/women get abused? — Why do men/women keep defending abusers? — Are victims somehow responsible for the abuse? — Why even “warned” of the possible abuse men/women still put themselves at risk? — Why are victims not speaking their truth, speaking up? — Why are victims not honest with themselves about the abuse? — How do abusers get away with their doings? — Who am I, that I have been abused? — Why some men and women never encounter abusive situations and others do? — Who am I, if I feel I could cross borders and become an abuser? — Why me?

It is clear that most of the abuse happens during private sessions — not always — but in most cases. The abuse goes from manipulations, intimidation, to inappropriate touching, sexual actions of all kinds and physical and energetic penetration. Mostly with a men in the abuser role and a women in the victim role. Because this covers the majority of the testimonials, I will mainly elaborate on this. But I am aware that this is not complete. So I apologise for the shortcomings in my advocacy for a more secure environment for all who are seeking healing.

I do not agree with the general opinion that victims are just helpless poor women that need to be protected and men are evil abusers that need to be punished. The act of abuse needs both roles to be present at the scene of abuse. I always felt rebellious to the idea that only abusers are to blame and victims are unfortunate powerless subjects.

Abusive acts are often the result of a complex chain of events. And in a way a desperate way of life to get out of a circle of destructive behaviour and encounters. Because there is rightly a severe judgement over abuse and this is expressed towards men I first want to say this: I have a deep love for men and I feel that we have to protect them too — when we address the theme of abuse — most men are as heartbroken over this matter as women. So I do not want to condemn and bash men in this article again into a collective guilt — I see that men are standing up and do extreme efforts to evolve to beautiful, strong, conscious and loving warriors. So guys, I love you for all these efforts with all my heart ❤

Many people suggested to create a platform to list abusers. Or to create a manifest of good behaviour for practitioners. But I have never seen that regulations in whatever form had the power to prevent abuse or to empower change. They create a false sense of security. It contributes to the conviction that we have to control abusers to keep victims safe. I believe that taking responsibility for your own experiences in life and to learn to protect yourself is much more powerful. To take responsibility for your own integrity and to feel totally capable to make your own rightful and sane judgements to keep you safe and sane.

• RAISE YOUR IMMATURE FEMININE SIDE •

It is so important not to identify with being a victim or an abuser, because it is never “you”. If it would be who you are, you could never change it. So it is “behaviour” and behaviour can be changed. Being victimised as a child forces you to choose a preferred role in life: the victim role or the abuser role. Men tend to develop the abuser role and women de victim role. But this is not always the case. Women can be abusers too at the same time, other moments, with other people. The opposite is the case of men too — abusers can be victims too. As I see it, victimhood is the expression of the immature feminine side and abusive behaviour is the expression of the immature male side. And as we all know by now — we have all a feminine and a male inside of us. So when you find yourself in the victim role, you know that you have to work on your immature feminine side.

Abusers are totally not attracted to a mature person, it is an incredible powerful protection to grow up. They are scared to death of maturity. They wil do everything to avoid mature people — they know they wil be exposed. It wil not work. No games to be played. The abuser is living in an immature male state he cannot cope with a the mature feminine nor male. And the opposite is also true: A mature person wil not feel much animo to engage with an immature person. And in terms of behaviour: mature behaviour has no acts that end up in abuse. Abuse simply does not exist in the world of maturity. So growing up is the greatest gift you can give yourself in life and the world. This wil effect your life in many more ways then just avoiding possible abuse.

There are a lot of women out there with deep wounds, trauma and daddy issues feeling very attracted to daddy like teachers or practitioners. But even if the abuser is in an parent role with a client or student he is expressing immature behaviour — playing the parent role to an other adult is simply immature behaviour. Parenting is only justified in an parent/child relationship.

No, you do not have to go trough a long period of growing to learn mature behaviour. See the list below with the characteristics of mature and immature behaviour and memorise it, post-it on your bathroom mirror, your computer, everywhere so you can see it and just correct yourself when you find yourself behaving immature. It is simple — it works fast — you wil love it.

IMMATURE FEMININE • you do not take full responsibility for your life • you blame others • you have collusions and you gossip • you do not speak your truth • you are a victim • you are needy • you have girl fantasies • you are double minded • you have hidden agenda’s • you are passive aggressive • you are pleasing, seducing • you are provoking • you are lacking boundaries • you are lazy • you are distorting and neurotic • you are manipulative • you are entitled about your rights • you have sex for power or love.

MATURE FEMININE • you are honest and humble • you are blissful • you have an open and loving heart • you are forgiving • you are magnetic and receiving • you act with tenderness and love • you are compassionate • you have empathy for others • you accept life • you can let go • you are joyful • you are intuitive and creative • you are devoted • you take accountability and responsibility • you have sex for intimacy and healing.

• FINDING A MATURE PRACTITIONER/TEACHER •

First of all — check in very honestly with your own motives and longings. How genuine are they? Are you looking for attention? Are you seductive? Do you go to a private session dressed up as for a date? Are you looking for a good looking, famous or daddy like healer because you want to test if he would be attracted to you? Do you need him for other things then just healing?

If you go to a practitioner to see if you can seduce him and put all your sexuality on the plate — then you are a (passive) sexual predator too. So be very honest with yourself. Are you the little girl that seduces a men to feed her insecurities or a woman that seeks genuinely for healing? You have to own your little girl shit and never go out to manipulate a man. This part is your responsibility and will contribute as much to a good session as the maturity of the healer.

A mature healer wil not try to entangle his energy with yours. He does not lean forward to try to enter your energy. There is no staring or eye gazing. He does not lose himself in you. He treats you like any other women. He wil ask you what you want and wil never suggest treatment for his own pleasure. He does not try to convince you to do other things, then what you ask for. If you are naked or not makes no difference for him. He wil listen to what to have to say, but he wil not engage in a father or girl-friend like conversation with you.

He is compassionate and present. He wil not compliment you, tell you you are special, beautiful or attractive. The setting is professional. He is not naked, unless you both agreed he can do your session naked. It is all about you and your healing. You can openly ask questions and he answers in very clear answers. You pay for your sessions (free sessions give the false impression to be less formal). He has dealt with his mother issues and is not an angry nor frustrated men. Do not take any little boy shit neither.

IMMATURE MALE • he is overly responsible • he is judgemental • he is controlling • he is projecting • he is dominating • he is arrogant • he is shaming others • he is taking ownership over things that are not his • he is excluding others • he is avoiding responsibility • he is making excuses • he is aggressive • he is making mixed messages • he is making you insecure • he is making you needy • he is seducing you • he is competitive • he is cerebral, argumentative • he is making you feel special • he is having sex to dominate, release stress.

MATURE MALE • he is grounded • he is patient • he knows boundaries • he is authentic • he is creating safety • he is aware and conscious • he is communicating openly and with clarity • he is guided by intuition • he is including • he is present • he is intelligent • he is very clear about himself • he is responding • he is responsible for his acts and being • he worships • he has sex to attend higher levels of consciousness.

• PEER PRESSURE •

A lot of the testimonials mentioned peer pressure as the reason why women overruled their primal intuition not to engage. Wanting to belong to a group, having the same experiences as other women, fearing to miss out something special, proving you are ready for it, that you are better then the other women, wanting to be special, all of these emotions can be so strong that you put yourself at risk. So know that the only one who knows what is good for you is you. And the only reason to go to healer is to heal. You do it for you.

There are always warnings signs. Your body knows. But in our society we love to believe that all is good and save. That is why so many of us tend to overrule our first warning signs. When you ask people after having a abusive experience they always tell that they had somehow a bad feeling about it and that they mentally overruled that instinct. So always stay with your primal feeling. Trust your own Devine wisdom and do not care about what others do or say if your feeling is no.

• LEARN TO SAY NO •

If you find yourself in a situation that is out of control and that will damage you, know that you can step out at all times. Say no. Just leave. If you have to scream, fight. Have no shame — just do whatever needed to stop it and go.

Saying no is something we are conditioned not to do. Most of us find it difficult and embarrassing. When you have been abused as a child your ability to say no has been totally overruled and often you have no idea that saying no and walking away is even an option. You never have to explain why — just do. This is very empowering. Saying no is not an unloving act — in the contrary — it is an act of love.

I know these advices will not ban abuse out of the world — but if you pay attention they will help you and others.

Thank you for sharing.

Love Giulia ❤

These are exiting and wonderful times. Never before in the history of mankind we had so many possibilities to learn, experience ourselves and others, expand, change our course of life drastically, co-create to a new world. It is clear — we are heading fast forward to a new area of existence of mankind. It would not surprise me that at one point — this time will be remembered as the fastest and most profound change for humanity ever in history.

In this massive melting of old and new knowledge from all parts of the earth we are literally overwhelmed by an immense amount of information, choices, opportunities, experiences, teachings, influences, ideas, creativity and so much more. People are under an immense amount of pressure — feeling how this new times are urging them to change, to change fast. Going from bliss to frantic, feeling overwhelmed and anxious, as if we are sucked up in an tunnel of rebirthing to a new me — a new us — and so therefore looking for answers and solutions for this major challenge. We are open to almost anything we feel could help us to make the next step.

When looking for healers, teachers, shamans, knowledge of all kind we have to pay attention. Because almost everything is totally new and different we have too little reference to evaluate if there is integrity and truth in what comes to us. In the name of “it is all life teaching us” or out of shame, or out of distress a lot of us at one point encounter manipulation or abuse in our journey and almost nobody speaks up. We love to live in a perfect world and are tended to turn our heads away when things are spinning out of control.

Because it is so difficult for people to evaluate all the time over and over again the integrity of ones teachings or healing — I want to share with you the following list you can always use as a reference. A great part comes out of my years of studying domestic abuse that I translated to a wider spectrum. The ways of operating in abuse and manipulation are very similar if it is in a family home, at work, in a teaching class, a cult, a church or a practitioners cabinet.

• SELF IMPORTANCE • Claiming to be ‘the’ only one on this earth or one of the few having some exceptional abilities, statuses, special gifts, encounters and knowledge. This is a typical frase to hook people, because people want to feel special and it kills the critical mind. People adore to feel special by being in the presence of a so called special person. An idol somehow. This refers to immature fantasies and child patterns where we like to have a superior being that tells us what to do or not to do. And takes away any responsibility or ownership over our own life. An integer teacher will never prise him or herself. They know is not important who they are.

• GODS AND HOLY FIGURES • Referring countless times to a “higher entity” of any kind of God, The Mother, to proof what they are saying. Or to align with in their doings, they have been told to etc… Referring they are connected as a channel to a mythical personage or Holy figures in witch name they speak. As humans we love sacral references — and it seems as if we are somehow programmed in our brains and subconscious to love believing words that are somehow connected to a God, a Holy Figure or something mysterious and bigger then ourselves. I feel myself very strong connected with what I refer as the Devine — but I do not need to use this personal connection to give what I say credibility or any truthfulness. It is personal.

• MANIPULATING QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS • This one I find very particular. Using the right question followed by the wrong answer or the opposite. This is one of the most applied techniques to influence people. And it is extremely successful. Politicians do it, advertising is full of it and unfortunately it is very present in the spiritual world as well. For one or another reason when we sympathise with “the good part” of the question/answer, we are very likely going to accept the wrong part as true. Many of the general believes we have in our society have been brought to our consciousness by using this extremely effective technique. Always track back information and stay critical. I find this one utterly fascinating and always pay attention to feel into if both — the question and the answer are truthful to me.

• 80/20 RULE • This is also very interesting technique and widely practiced. When a teacher/healer is telling you 80% of true things, things you can connect with — you are likely not noticing the parts that are not true. It is as if we scan a persons words on a binary level “true” or “not true”. Once labeled as one of them we hear all the rest that they said as “true” or as “not true”. Often it is enough to make a few solid statements in the beginning of a class or a conversation and we are totally convinced that we can trust this person and our mind swallows everything else as simply true. So take to your time to do your own investigation afterwards, take good notes or audio tape. Ask other people what their opinion is if you are not sure. I often check in with nature. Does this phenomena exist in nature? If not then the probability that this is statement or saying is false is very likely. Most things are under the wonderful and universal laws of life and operate in the same way. Just use your common sense and critical thinking. People tend to tell very funny stories these days. Drop them. They are of no value.

Sentences that really work very wel are:
• “You do not have to believe anything I say”. Is translated unconsciously as “I can trust this person and believe what he/she says”. All doors open for believing everything this person says.
• “Everything you have been told is a lie”. Is translated unconsciously as “This person speaks the truth and wil not lie to me”. All doors open for lies.
• “You are not easily to manipulate”. Is translated unconsciously as “this person wil not manipulate me”. All doors open for manipulation.

• STUPID AND EVIL • When the rhetoric of a teacher goes in a direction where you are told you are ignorant, insane, stupid etc… Or that “others” — out of the inner circle — are evil, wrong, manipulative, even if you understand the general message, there is something absolutely wrong with the teachings. You can bring your teaching without demonising, humiliating people. When you hear this kind of talking, know that the only reason why it is put like this, is to make you scared, insecure and needy. You have to keep in mind that we are all Devine and equal. Thus telling differently is only using verbal force to make you insecure or to use the tactic “divide and conquer”. It works. Instinctively we want to be good — to be part of the good. Only there is no such a thing — this is an illusion.

• TRANCE VOICE AND HYPNOSIS • A lot of teachers and healers use a trance voice, hypnosis or a way to put sentences in a particular way that your brain get’s confused and unfortunately very quickly gives up to try figuring out if what is said is true or not. To repeat continuously — over and over again for example “Do you feel me?” while there is nothing to feel — is very hypnotic too and seems so honest that you tend to accept all the pervious as true. You are invited to answer this question with a “Yes” and doing so you say yes to all what is said previously. All those high end techniques get you to slib very easily in a trance state where all the information is directly stored as “true” in the subconscious. This is very very dangerous and can take sometimes several years to figure out again which information is yours and which has been put there and is messing with you. How can you know? You start to feel a bit sleepy or tired, you have a dizzy mind, the person uses a rather slow way of speaking, with a lower voice, with a little trembling in. Eckart Tolle is very good at using trance voice. So you can look at a video from him as a reference for trance voice (For the record — I see him as a genuine person). Also they wil use the same sentences over and over again or using strange turns in sentences. All as a way to confuse your brain to let it surrender to what they are saying. If you notice this, ask them to speak faster and at a higher tone. This wil higher the frequency and then the trance inducing frequency is lost. Or just get out or the room. Leave. Is every person that uses a trance voice evil? No, of course not. But pay attention if they do — you are ok with the message they are bringing. Because you wil take it all in.

• ALIENATION • This is a very hurtful part of malicious practices that can occur. Very slowly you are told that your loved ones are not good for you — restraining you in your growth — spirituality — freedom or whatever. They are not good enough and your new friend(s) wil give you a new home/place to be. You can join. I know people that left their partner, left their children, friends, homes, work behind to join a master or a group. They are been told that they have a special calling, that they have to serve, be at service of some kind of work, part of a fantastic destiny to help the world or other causes. The thing is that you can serve whatever you want whiteout ever having to take distance from loved ones. Alienating is very cruel and the wounds are very deep for the one that left and for the ones that are left behind. So never ever give in to even a suggestion of these attempts to alienate you from your community. If you feel this coming up. Just run. As fast as you can. Break all contact and never engage with those people or person ever again.

• SEX • How it is possible that in these days there is still abuse in the Tantra communities — with people who claim consciousness to be their highest good? This is such a shame. I am a great believer that having sex can be very healing, transforming and blissful. I do believe that it is absolutely a good thing if men and women can find each other in this way to grow and heal. That a good teacher or healer can be wonderful for a men or a women that is asking for sexual healing or teachings and needs their assistance. But please only as consenting adults. When both parties agreed that this is what is going to happen. Use The Wheel of Consent of Betty Martin. First think well what you want and what not. What your boundaries are. Then inform yourself about what you need and can expect in a session. Be as explicit as possible in your questions and do not agree with vague answers. If anything happens that is not spoken of during the conversation — then this is abuse. Nothing else then abuse. I heard a lot of completely crazy stories lately from abuse to simply rape. Do not ever believe a teacher that says he is the only one who can heal you, do not believe in sexual initiations or other so called rituals as the salvation for your soul, do not believe in miracles, do not believe in fairytales…. The body never lies and the body always remembers, and so often victims have been abused before and looking for help and get abused again.

Due to this we have another drama that stays alive — it keeps the door wide open for genuine practitioners to be falsely accused of abuse too. And this is also a great tragedy and can ruin ones life. Because we collectively know abuse happens we do not know if an accusation is true or made up. So the suspicion stays alive. How can you know? Well in my experience you can know it in the reaction of the accused person. A genuine person wil react heartbroken, destroyed to a false accusation of abuse. A sociopath wil show no emotions and wil have a very good explanation — probably making the abused person look as unstable and sick. Unfortunately we have the tendency to believe the person who reacts with no emotions and calmness and to not believe the person who reacts with true emotions that are very normal if you are falsely accused of abuse.

The shame and guilt they feel makes it very difficult to speak up. We should have zero tolerance for sexual abuse, just because again this so beautiful thing called sex gets again overshadowed by the acts of predators. So deeply deplorable. Let’s all watch out, speak up and hold each others backs. Men and women.

• SIGNS • There are always signs — people that warn you — feeling worried — having nauseous feelings — dreams — your body reacting with fear. Listen to them. Go out and ask others — get more information — use a Divination tool to find out if you better should stop going that direction. Know that you can stop at any point and leave. Never feel guilty of following your intuition. Look at the surroundings — How are people — How do you feel? — Are you happy? — Do you have energy? — Are you anxious? — Do you feel needy? — Are you feeling numb? — Are you feeling not having any other options anymore? — Are you still free? — Can you say what you want and is there room for your opinion? — Do you feel you have to change? — Do you feel respected in all ways? — Do you feel loved? — Are all your concerns been qualified as just your process? — Are you free to go? — Are you asked to keep secrets? These and many others are possible signs that something is not ok. So pay attention at all times — be your own master at all times and basically if you can’t — something is definitely not ok.

Often we have spent a lot of resources, time and emotional energy in being with a teacher. The more we have, the more difficult it get’s to cut the cords if we find out things are not ok or not ok anymore. We tend to hold on to the good things and say things as: “yes but this or that is stil ok, so….” But the thing is, integrity is absolute, not relative, nor partial. You cannot divide it in good parts and bad parts. This is just what integrity is all about. It is there as whole or it is absent. You can retrieve the good information from the bad. But the intention that is not integer goes everywhere. So you have to cut your losses and leave. After all life is a great teacher and the best teacher is in you ❤

The best teachers amongst us are those who know — while teaching they are being teached too — that life is only an endless process of growing and giving. Therefore we — my partner Stephan and I treasure in our hearts unconditional love and forgiveness and hope our words wil open hearts.

Some interesting books — amongst many others are:

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
by Gavin de Becker — how to detect abusers and abusive signs.

Love, Sex, and Awakening: An Erotic Journey from Tantra to Spiritual Ecstasy by Margot Anand. In this delightful book about her exiting life Margot gives a very sane list of does and don’ts for Teachers and Practitioners.

The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin — All about boundaries.