MOSCOW—Citing the need to preserve the integrity of political cybercrime, the worldwide hacking community has officially banned Russia from participating in the 2018 U.S. midterm elections. The ban comes in the wake of a doping investigation that revealed Russian hackers used massive amounts of steroids to gain an unfair advantage in influencing the 2016 U.S. presidential election.

“This wasn’t just one or two nerds chugging Red Bull,” said Greta Holgate, one of the lead investigators. “We’re talking about a systematic, state-run distribution of illegal steroids to thousands of Siberian neckbeards.”

Holgate says the enhancements enabled Russia’s 2016 hacking team to stay awake for days in a row while infiltrating Democratic National Committee servers. Potent stimulants also allowed Russian coders to program pro-Trump Twitter bots in many different time zones and photoshop ISIS tattoos onto Hillary Clinton’s forehead well beyond the capabilities of the average human cybercriminal.

According to the ruling, individual hackers from Russia not convicted of doping may still meddle in the midterm election of any U.S. senator, but will be referred to not as “Russian hackers” but the more neutral “hackers from Russia” and, even more humiliatingly, the official records will forever show that Russia successfully swayed zero U.S. elections in 2018.

Russia Banned From Participating In 2018 U.S. Midterm Elections was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

DURHAM, NC—In what has been called a “cultural tragedy” by members of the avian community, a Confederate statue in North Carolina was toppled by protesters yesterday, prompting many to speak out against this “senseless waste of a perfectly good place to shit”.

The statue, which depicted an unnamed rebel soldier, has stood on the Durham County courthouse lawn since 1924. Though many saw the monument as an unsightly endorsement of racist ideology, to others it was a priceless piece of history.

“This statue was a part of our heritage,” said one rock pigeon and long-time Durham resident. “Knowing that my children will never get to take a crusty, lukewarm dump on the same bronze head that my grandfather did, like his grandfather before him; it’s just a real shame.”

Durham Bird Population Mourns Loss of Historic Place to Shit was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Being an attentive, sympathetic listener is one of the most important skills to have in a relationship. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the hardest to master, thanks to the 2008 release of Marvel Studios’ seminal blockbuster: Iron Man.

How can you possibly focus on your girlfriend’s story about how she almost missed yoga today when, somewhere in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an arc-reactor-powered exoskeleton is slamming itself plate by plate onto Tony Stark? Clank clank clank, ratchet noise, charging sound!

Luckily, you don’t have to be a superhero to be a super boyfriend. Listen up to these three tips on being a great listener even though you just spent 45 minutes watching YouTube supercuts of Iron Man suiting up:

1. Sympathize. Women don’t talk because they want men to offer a solution to their problems; just listening is the solution. Show that you’ve heard her when she complains about whatever it is she seems upset about by uttering two simple words: “That sucks.” If you’re having trouble remembering what to say because you’re mentally summoning a laser-guided Mark VII heavy combat suit onto your back after jumping off a skyscraper, try this pneumonic device: “That Sucks” = TS = Tony Stark!
2. Ask questions to stall for time. If she starts to suspect you might be thinking about stretching an Iron Man suitcase across your chest and arms just in time to fight Whiplash at the Monaco Grand Prix instead of her high school friend’s wedding invitation, you might need to ask a few questions to catch the details you missed. Try asking all-purpose questions like “What do you mean?” or “Hmm, how so?” and enjoy another 15 seconds of you-time. Think of it like fending off a charging Hulk with a continuous laser beam from your right Hulkbuster arm to give your new Hulkbuster arm just enough time to assemble into a devastating left hook. WHOOMP!
3. Be a mirror. In the listening game, facial expressions are key. Frown when she frowns, smile when she smiles. Above all, maintain eye contact! If she catches you glancing at your watch, she’ll know you’re actually thinking about Tony Stark’s watch, the one he peeled open and ripped overtop of his knuckles to form an emergency Iron Man gauntlet before fighting the Winter Soldier in Civil War. How badass was that?!

How to Be a Good Listener When You’re Actually Thinking About Iron Man Suiting Up was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

NEW YORK, NY—Responding to a severe lack of public restrooms in the New York metropolitan area, city officials today unveiled a new toilet-sharing program called Citipoop which they hope will alleviate urban bowel congestion.

“The need for safe, reliable alternatives to clogged and overflowing toilets at Starbucks and McDonald’s has been apparent for decades,” said NYC Department of Sanitation chief William Velasquez at a press conference this morning. “New York City deserves a world-class public defecation system, and we’re excited to finally roll it out with Citipoop.”

With an initial phase of 6,000 toilets implemented at 320 stations, Citipoop is expected to serve tens of thousands of New Yorkers per day. Users can pay $12 for a single-use code to unlock a lid, or purchase a $120 yearly membership key for instant access.

“I used to really struggle to find a bathroom along my morning commute,” says Queens resident and Citipoop early adopter Margaret Haynes. “But now I can Citipoop as soon as I get to 23rd St, which is exactly when my large coffee and breakfast falafel kick in.”

Mohammed Khan, an Uber driver from Staten Island, says Citipoop is perfect for staying on schedule while driving in the city.

“When I’m on the clock, I can’t afford to hunt for a parking space, run into a bodega, then argue with the cashier for 5 minutes just to let me bust a dook in the store,” said Khan. “With Citipoop I can enjoy a breezy streetside dump and be back in the driver’s seat before the light turns green.”

Citipoop Service Opens in Manhattan was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Whether it’s your first child or your fifth, finding out who your baby is sexually attracted to is always an exciting moment. Of course, some parents prefer to wait until the moment of birth to learn their baby’s sexual preference, and that’s totally fine! But for those who want to share the moment with family and friends, a classic backyard reveal party is definitely the way to go.

Here are 3 essential tips to make your baby’s sexuality reveal party unforgettable:

1. Plan ahead. 16–20 weeks into your pregnancy, tell the ultrasound technician you don’t want to know yet whether your fetus wants to kiss men or women. Have her write down its sexual preference on a slip of paper and give it to a trusted friend to set up the reveal.
2. Encourage participation. No guest wants to sit around at a sexuality reveal party with nothing to do. Give your father-in-law a hot pink “Team Gay” fedora. Put a blue “Team Straight” wig on your niece and make her cheer for your baby to love only people with different genitals. Make sure you invite enough people for the whole spectrum.
3. Try a creative reveal. Okay, we’ve all been to a million sexuality reveal parties where the same old balloons fly out of a boring box. Why not reveal your baby’s future lifestyle with a piñata? Or colored smoke bombs? Or a homemade volcano? You only get one chance to tell your family and friends what kind of sex organs are going to be your baby’s favorite; might as well make it memorable!

3 Fun Ideas For Your Baby’s Sexuality Reveal Party was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

NORRISTOWN, PA—Following the Montgomery County court’s failure to convict him of sexual assault last month, Bill Cosby today told reporters he plans to devote all his remaining energy to hunting down “the real rapist.”

“It makes me sick to my stomach to think he’s still out there,” said the 79-year-old comedian, speaking slowly and with great effort. “Some monster out there drugged and molested more than fifty women in my home over forty-three years, and I’ll do everything in my power to bring him to justice.”

Mr. Cosby’s lead attorney Brian McMonagle confirmed that identifying the true attacker is a struggle that has vexed Mr. Cosby for decades.

“Every time Mr. Cosby would entertain a young woman in his home, a mysterious third party would sneak in after dinner, offer her several blue pills, and sneak out,” said McMonagle. “Then, hours later, the same party would sneak back into Mr. Cosby’s house to fondle and penetrate the sedated victim before escaping again undetected.”

“This happened repeatedly, for years and years,” added McMonagle.

According to spokesman Andrew Wyatt, “Mr. Cosby himself feels like a victim of these attacks: a victim of someone habitually breaking into his home and raping his houseguests. It’s incredibly frustrating to him.”

Wyatt emphasized, however, that finding and punishing the real serial rapist is far more important to Mr. Cosby than repairing his own battered reputation.

“All that matters right now is that innocent women were harmed,” said Wyatt. “And Mr. Cosby will not eat or drink or sleep one wink in his $3 million 21-acre New England estate until their rapist is behind bars.”

Cosby Vows to Find Real Rapist was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Do you find yourself competing with Facebook for your true love’s attention? Do you struggle to hold their gaze for more than a few moments before it snaps back to the nearest screen? Are you developing an inferiority complex because your partner acts like their phone is more interesting than you? Bad news, sister: it almost certainly is!

Time to give your bland human face some UX pop with this Unread Notification Headband:

The urgent red circle grabs their eyeballs like a tractor beam. The bright white number drives their lizard brain wild with anticipation: “What 6 new thoughts await my attention?” they wonder, ravenous for new information from your visually irresistible head. Mission accomplished!

Warning: Partner may attempt to click your face.

Get Your Phone-Obsessed Partner to Notice You With This Unread Notification Headband was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

WASHINGTON, DC—Defending allegations that his frequent trips to Mar-a-Lago put an extravagant burden on taxpayers, President Trump finally revealed why he insists on flying his entire staff 1,000 miles away from the White House to his lavish Florida resort nearly every weekend:

“It’s the only place I can poop,” said the President.

“Look, there’s this one toilet on the second floor next to the master bedroom,” continued President Trump, speaking to reporters at a hastily assembled press conference yesterday afternoon. “Magnificent piece of porcelain. Gold leaf everywhere. Mother of pearl flusher. Just a tremendous place to pinch a loaf. The seat just fits my butt so good. Like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t go anywhere else.”

According to Trump, since his inauguration on January 20th, he has pooped zero times in any of the White House’s 35 bathrooms.

“It’s too stressful there,” said the President. “Everyone’s badgering me, trying to rush me out of the pooper so I can authorize something or meet someone or read some urgent briefing. It’s a witch hunt on my anus! I can’t squeeze anything out.”

“Plus the whole building is government-owned.” added the President. “I didn’t win by a landslide just so I can drop logs—and mine are the best, fantastic, there’s no issue there, ask anyone—in a filthy public stall, okay?”

“New York’s no good either,” continued President Trump. “Too many protestors. My butt won’t open if it hears protestors. It’s insane. Mar-a-Lago is literally the only place in the world I can take a poop. Sad!”

Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams also spoke at the press conference, defending the President’s lower intestinal function as normal if slightly eccentric.

“A lot of Americans have trouble pooping at work,” said Trent-Adams. “The President has his favorite toilet just like everyone else. His just happens to be in a 110,000-square-foot mansion in Palm Beach.”

CNN political commentator Van Jones called President Trump’s admission a “revelation”.

“This explains quite a lot, if you think about it,” said Jones while appearing on The Lead with Jake Tapper. “Not just why the president visits Florida so often, but why he demands short intelligence briefings, why he hates foreign travel, and why he makes that face all the time.”

“Given what we know now, I think it’s time we cut Trump some slack,” added Jones. “Let’s give him a chance to lead. And to poop.”

Trump Explains Mar-a-Lago Visits: “It’s The Only Place I Can Poop” was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

NEW YORK, NY—Responding to overwhelming outrage in the Twitter community yesterday, Animal Planet officially terminated their relationship with longtime canine journalist Kate Bergman.

Just hours before, while covering the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, Bergman posted a tweet which many decried as “ignorant” and “breedist”:

Australian shepherds always dominate the agility competition. They’re just faster and more athletic than other dogs! -@kbergmantv

Within minutes, thousands of angry retweets and responses followed:

Wow. Just wow. This is what breedism looks like, folks! ☝☝️☝️ -️@marc_tapper

Breed is a social construct resulting from centuries of prejudice against marginalized kennels. Wake up and join the right side of history, Bergman-@hueydingleberry

Ever notice when corgis win we call them “intelligent” but when Australian shepherds win we call them “athletic”? So sick of breedist reporting in dog shows. #firethatbitch -@justinbeiber

In response to the controversy, Animal Planet communications manager Linda Reade issued the following statement:

We apologize for the unacceptable breedist tweet that was sent by one of our reporters. Kate Bergman is no longer an employee of Animal Planet. The judgment of animals purely based on breed or species does NOT represent what we believe nor what we stand for. We hope you will accept our profound apologies.

In a public statement released today, Westminster Kennel Club director Andrew Hamilton expressed his support for Animal Planet’s decision.

“The WKC has always had a zero tolerance policy for breedism,” said Hamilton. “Dogs are to be judged by their intelligence, character, training, height, weight, coat, eye color, ear shape, haunches, tail, and testicles, but never their breed.”

Dog Show Reporter Fired After Breedist Tweet was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Yesterday afternoon, I attended the matinee showing of Wonder Woman. And while I enjoyed the film, I also had certain thoughts that ran shamefully counter to its central themes of feminine power and independence. These private thoughts were thoroughly reprehensible and I would like to apologize to my wife, my children, DC Entertainment, and anyone else who may have been affected by them.

For those not familiar, the film’s protagonist Diana Prince as portrayed by Gal Gadot is a brave, pure-hearted hero to which all young women should aspire. No woman, however, should aspire to the morally depraved version of Diana Prince portrayed in certain scenes within my own mind, also by Gal Gadot. That portrayal cannot be described as “pure” in any sense of the word, and for that I am truly sorry.

A woman of Diana’s integrity, for instance, would never allow herself to be tricked into grasping my penis instead of the legendary Sword of Athena. Nor would she giggle naively upon realizing her mistake, or feel she needs to ask me for permission to continue touching it simply because I am a man.

As a staunch feminist, I also believe firmly that, as a man, I have no right to stipulate to any woman precisely which articles of the Wonder Woman costume she must and mustn’t continue to wear as she explores my alien maleness. Nor should I ever assume that my penis, no matter how tantalizingly new and exciting, would be enough to distract Diana from her noble mission to end the first World War.

I also understand that when General Antiope, played by the fearsomely talented Robin Wright, discovers us and sentences me to death for trespassing into Amazonia, I have no right to undermine her authority and suggest instead that I be shackled naked to her bed with the Bracelets of Submission. Such a thought is the unfortunate byproduct of decades of male privilege, and I should know better.

Finally, I fully realize the Lasso of Truth is a sacred instrument of justice, not a tool for my own erotic asphyxiation at the hands of Antiope, Diana, and a dozen other Amazonian princesses. To imagine that so many strong female characters would devote themselves slavishly in the service of one man’s puerile titillation is nothing less an affront to modern feminism.

Once again, I accept full responsibility for these wildly inappropriate scenes I regrettably conjured yesterday inside my own imagination, and I deeply apologize for any and all damage caused by these unexpressed thoughts.

I would like to apologize for certain thoughts I had while watching “Wonder Woman” was originally published in The Minute Light on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.