i take a deep breath, feeling the frustration of a narrative that understands feminism as a “women’s thing” and excludes men from gaining access to the educational, emotional, and relational benefits of feminism. yet i always respond enthusiastically, yes of course men can be feminist.

but when i google “feminism for men”, google tells me the response to this question is:

Men cannot call themselves Feminists. They can write things that are Feminist, say things that are Feminist, do things that are Feminist, but for all intents and purposes, men can only be Feminist allies — and even then I’m a bit iffy about men who self-designate themselves as such.

okay, i understand the need to separate the experience of men from those harmed from our societal structures. yet how can we say that feminism is not for men? how are men excluded from their right to reclaim their whole selves?

in her essay, understanding patriarchy, bell hooks writes

The crisis facing men is not the crisis of masculinity, it is the crisis of patriarchal masculinity. Until we make this distinction clear, men will continue to fear that any critique of patriarchy represents a threat.

patriarchy ≠ men.

we need to remind ourselves this every single day. we are not fighting men, we are fighting patriarchy.

patriarchy is a system that differentiates and separates between equally important parts and dictates which ones are powerful and which ones are powerless. each part, whether deemed powerful or powerless suffers from this asymmetrical balance of power.

patriarchy creates the space for domination, control and superiority. in a relation of equal parts where one is overvalued and one is undervalued, both parts are left unseen and unacknowledged for their truth.

the reality is, we are all harmed by patriarchy.

while patriarchy rewards men in our societal structure, a deeper psychological analysis reveals that men too are hurt by this system.

where are the men in the fight for connection, transformation and political equality for all?

i am deeply troubled by the narrative that excludes men from participating in our collective process of restoring equality. cutting out a population that is integral to this struggle is perpetuating patriarchy.

feminism is not the opposite of patriarchy. we have been fooled to think patriarchy = men, feminism = women. we need to consistently deconstruct this notion. feminism operates on a fundamentally different ground.

feminism is the movement dedicated to fighting for economic, political and social equality for all with the recognition of the historical and current marginalization of women, queers, transgenders, and gender non-conforming people.

feminism is not a fight between men and women. separating men and women to different teams is patriarchy’s task. feminism is all of us fighting together against patriarchy.

we are not going to make much progress without men on our side. and we are going to continue harming ourselves if we cannot recognize the place men have in this movement.

my work at pivot to bloom validates men for being feminists. i am invested in this work because i deeply care about men. men can and should call themselves feminist. creating space within the feminist movement to let men in is essential to deconstruct the conditioning of patriarchy.

not only do men need feminism, but feminism needs men too.

they came up to us, interrupted our conversation and continued to engage with us even after we requested multiple times to be left alone.

they asked what i do. i briefly said i work with tech companies on gender issues. they responded “women have such confidence issues, it’s really important to work on that”. i asked, why do you think women have such “confidence issues”? he thought for a moment and responded “well, i don’t really know!”

maybe it is because women have been belittled, undervalued and harmed by men for centuries. maybe women’s “lack of confidence” stems from internalizing sexism. sexism that is everywhere in our culture.

i get this quite often. people think that i work on “women’s empowerment” issues. no, i respond i work on shifting culture from misogyny.

the notion that the problem is women’s lack of empowerment or lack of confidence stems from sexist thinking. women are the problem. women are lacking. women need fixing.

and the list continues. women don’t chose to study engineering or computer science. women don’t have leadership skills. women are not cut out for a high paced, risk-taking environment, etc. usually, men are saying these statements, continuing a long history of men speaking for women without actually listening to them.

in reality, women are already empowered. but we do not live in a culture that can handle women’s power. it doesn’t matter how much we empower women if the culture continues to be deeply misogynistic.

our world is filled with powerful, brilliant, visionary women. our culture has conditioned us to see them as powerless, weak and small.

women don’t need fixing. it is the culture of widespread sexism that needs fixing.

so next time you find that your narrative is centered around women’s faults, try to examine. perhaps your thinking perpetuates a patriarchal narrative that is the root cause of gender inequality.

this teaching is from an essay named “the unknown knowing” in Rav Shagar’s book on purim (pur hu hagoral). Rav Shagar, Rabbi Shimon Gershon Rosenberg, was a Torah scholar and religious postmodern thinker. He lived in Israel and died in 2007. His Torah was written in hebrew. it is easy to get overwhelmed by the depth and richness of his Torah. this piece is a translation of his work in the hopes of bringing and disseminating his beautiful teachings to an english speaking audience.

i was first exposed to Rav Shagar’s teachings from my teacher Oriah Mevorach at Midreshet Lindenbaum. i am deeply moved by the religious existentialist thought that motivates Rav Shagar in his writings. his Torah is full of creativity, depth, and intimacy with the divine. may this Torah be a blessing to you !

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

there are four layers in reading the megillah of esther. these are, in effect, four different ways to understand existence: happening, fate, divine intervention and again happening. (מקרה, גורל, השגחה, מקרה)

the story of the megillah is a journey between these lenses of understanding existence. happening is the most apparent layer and particularly noticeable in the first half of the story. slowly, this string of coincidences becomes fate. the narrative of fate then reveals itself as divine intervention. the end is inherent in their beginning: happening.

1. happening // מקרה :
   it could have been this way, and it could have been another way. things just happen.
   
   the root of happening is in the possibility. anything could happen, it happened that this happened. happening appears to us as an external reality; a sequence of events with no connection or relation to each other.
   
   textual :
   (ויגד לו מרדכי את כל אשר קרהו“ (אסתר ד:ז”
   “and mordechai told him all that had happened to him”
   
   commentary :
   the text writes happened to suggest that this happening occurred as chance. mordechai did not intend to degrade haman, bur rather did not want to transgress a commandment from God by bowing to a human. because mordachi did not bow down to haman, the story unfolds. this event happened to him. an action that is not intended is purely coincidental. (1)
   
   as such, the beginning of the megillah takes us through a story of chance. there is no specific purpose to the events as they develop.
2. fate // גורל :
   this is how it is, and it could not have been another way.
   
   the root of fate is in divine will. things happen because God wanted them to happen. the desire of God is the motivation for the story. we don’t understand, and we are not meant to understand.
   
   textual :
   (הפיל פור הוא הגורל“ (אסתר ט:כה”
   “cast pur, that is, the lot”
   
   commentary :
   the word pur used in the megillah to describe the lot that haman casts, is one of the names indicating fate. the word brings us to the relationship that haman has to the lineage of esau. esau is the origin of coincidental thinking that haman continues. amalek, the nation that first attacked israel when we came out of egypt, comes from the same lineage of esau. haman and amalek therefore are connected in their foundational thinking; they have the same existential understanding — one of happening as chance, coincidence and arbitrariness. (2)
   
   as such, as the megillah unfolds, the story of chance becomes one of fate. things did not just happen. God desired them to happen.
   
   (1 and 2 are experiencing existence through the same lens. “fate” happens. chance is light and destiny is heavy; either nothing is meaningful or everything is meaningful. they are two sides to the same coin.)
3. divine intervention // השגחה :
   this is how it is, and that is how it should be
   
   the root of divine intervention is in wisdom. God has laws that govern the world and a plan for how things happen. the thought of God is the motivation for the story. there is intellect and design in the story and its outcome.
   
   textual :
   ״ובשנים עשר חודש… ביום אשר שברו אויבי היהודים לשלוט בהם, ונהפוך הוא אשר ישלטו היהודים המה בשונאיהם״ אסתר ט:א
   and on the 12th month… in the day that the enemies of the Jews hoped to rule over them; it was turned to the contrary, that the Jews had ruled over those that hated them
   
   ״ובבואה לפני המלך אמר עם הספר ישוב מחשבתו הרעה אשר חשב על היהודים על ראשו, ותלו אותו ואת בניו על העץ״ אסתר ט:כה
   but when she came before the king, he commanded by letters that his wicked device, which he had devised against the Jews, should return upon his own head; and that he and his sons should be hanged on the gallows.
   
   commentary :
   at this point, the story flips itself. the jews were supposed to be destroyed, but instead they destroy their enemies. mordechai was supposed to be hung on the gallows, but instead haman was hung on the gallows.
   
   here, the divine thought is revealed; haman is part of the amalekian war against God that exists in every generation. (3) the war between the jews and amalek is revealed as an eternal metaphysical war.
   
   amalek desires to harm the kingship of God in this world through attacking the jews. for amalek, there is no meaning in existence; everything is coincidental and arbitrary. the existence of the jews defies this belief. amalek seeks to destroy the jews to destroy faith in meaning from this world.
   
   haman and amalek are about happening. for both, the root of existence is arbitrary; everything that happens is coincidental. but God created happening, as there is nothing outside the realm of God. this war with amalek is from God. (4)
   
   God promises that God’s kingdom is not complete until amalek is destroyed. (5) destroying amalek is destroying arbitrariness. but this is achieved through understanding that chance itself is part of divine intervention.
   
   divine intervention means that the world is the divine throne. (6) the story of the megillah is part of the divine plan. God is the real king and achshevrosh is just a mere tool. (7)
   
   as such, fate transforms to divine intervention. God is not simply willing the story, but is actually designing the narrative and overseeing its outcome.

in an ordinary perception, the understandings of lenses 2 and 3 of will and wisdom (fate and intervention) are separate levels; they are two entirely different readings of existence. but in the deepest of ways, fate (divine will) and intervention (divine wisdom) are one.

wisdom and will are intimately connected in the existence of God. God cannot know or will outside of Godself. God’s thought and desire are one with Godself. she is simple in the ultimate simplicity; there is no separation between powers.

there is another lens to understand existence in the megillah. this is lens 4 that returns to happening, but is beyond intervention. in other words, unknowingness. unknowingness that is beyond wisdom and will.

Godself is hidden. we do not have access to understand the essence and unity of God. our knowledge, will, life, etc is all but a coincidence to us. there is no connection between our existence and Gods existence.

as the rambam says, “he shouldn’t achieve what he is but rather if he is”(8) and that “the end of knowledge is unknowingness”(9).

the process of achieving clarity is intertwined with becoming closer in our inability to know and to pronounce divinity. as such, we approach in closeness with the divine.

this unknowingness is not lacking. she knows that she doesn’t know and she also knows why she doesn’t know, and in this, she knows.

here we return purposefully to happening. happening that is arbitrary lacks meaning and understanding. life here is similar to that of a drunk person; one that has no awareness of their actions, as their actions are determined by arbitrariness.

in a paradoxical manner, happening represents the divine in Gods highest form, the infinite. happening is bound in the source of Godself that is known through unknowingness. there, wisdom becomes stupidity. there in infinite light itself, the possible becomes essential.

chance is possibility. but this possibility is captured as the only manifestation of existence. chance transforms to become essential, and acquires the power to unite the will with wisdom.

a person asks, why am i this way and not another way?

1. thats how it happened. this is an amalekian answer that insists that there is no prior meaning, existence is arbitrary. there is no transcendental meaning to existence and living.
2. your existence is an exact reflection of your essential internal being. nothing in you is random. everything was meant to be exactly how it is.
3. fate. this is how divine will determined it.

2 and 3 force the person into a particular existence that is alienating to themselves. will and wisdom are both external justifications for the existence that are disconnected from the source of existing.

4. returns to first answer — yes, it is happening. but there is no meaning to the question itself ! (why is my life precisely like this). this answer releases the human from the question that causes doubt and alienation from themselves. things don’t need an explanation, not one of will or wisdom. in the freedom of the infinite divine realization, there is no external necessity to anything, and therefore everything turns to be as it is, existing for its own sake of existence.

human can only let go of this question through losing knowledge. on purim, we reach a state of intoxication that erases difference. in a world that doesn’t have good or bad, important or unimportant, there is no arbitrary and no meaningful. everything is created to represent the divine equally. in this world, the despair of arbitrariness and lack of meaning disappears. receiving happening returns us to the infinite divine root — unknowingness that is not absence.

i don’t know, but i also don’t have necessity to know. the thing is as it is and does not need external justification for its existence.

through this, our sages taught that a person is obligated to get drunk until they can’t tell the difference between cursed haman and blessed mordechai. to teach, when a person reaches this level, they lose their knowledge and capabilities. they cannot redeem themselves on their own. they are helpless just like the jewish people were in the story of the megillah. only through the divine was this redemption complete. (10)

in this helplessness, the source of the human in God is revealed. through losing their own knowledge, the human is able to transcend external justifications for existence. here, human is existing through knowing the divine. this existence returns the human to the roots of existences, where infinite divinity dwells.

footnotes:

1 מהר״ל אור חדש עמ׳ קמט
״ויגד לו מרדכי את כל אשר קרהו״ ולא כתיב ״אשר נעשה״ שבא לומר כי קרה לו דברים שהם מקריים. כי מפני שלא השתחווה להמן עשה המן את כל הדברים האלו, וזה נקרא ״אשר קרהו״, כי מרדכי לא היה מכוון לבזות את המן שלא השתחוה אליו רק שלא לעבור על מצוות השם יתברך, וקרה לו דבר כמו זה, ודבר שאין מכוין לו הוא מקרה בלבד.

2 פסיקתא דרב כהנא פרשה ג
״ויחלוש יהושע״ (שמות יז:יג). רבותינו אמרו: הפיל עליהן גורלות, כמה דאת אמרת ״ומטילין חלשים על הקדשים ביום טוב״ (משנה שבת כג:). ארבעה שמות נקראו לגורל: חלש, פור, גורל, חבל. ובכולם לקו בני עשיו. בחלש לקה עמלק שנאמר ״ויחלוש יהושע״ (שם). בגורל ובפור לקה המן, שנאמר ״הפיל פור הוא הגורל לפני המן״.

3 (כי יד על כס י-ה מלחמה לד׳ בעמלק מדור דור (שמות יז:טז

4 ר׳ צדוק רסיסי לילה סימן יח
 …ומד׳ כל משפטו, דהמקרה גם כן מהשם יתברך, על ידי זה הוא עיקר ניצוח עמלק שנאמר בו ״אשר קרך״, וכן בהמן ״אשר קרהו״, שנתלים במקרה. כי כפי שרשם כך הם כל ענינם…וכן כל ענין עמלק מקרה בעולם, כי השם יתברך ברא גם כן ענין מקרה, דאין דבר חוץ מהשם יתברך, ודבר זה גם כן מהשם יתברך שיהיה מקרה מה שאינו מסודר כפי הסדר שיסד. וזהו עמלק. ולפי שהוא
מקרה, כמן שכתוב ״אשר קרך״, הוא תולה הכל במקרה״

5 (נשבע הקב״ה שאין שמן שלם ואין כסאו שלם עד שימחה שמו של עמלק (רש״י עפ״י התנחומא

6 רמב״ם מורה נבוכים ח״א ט

7 (נדדה שנת המלך — שנת מלכו של עולם (מגילה טו

8 (ולא ישיג מה הוא כי אם הוא (רמב״ם מורה נבוכים ח״א נט

9 (תכלית הידיעה היא שלא נדע (רמב״ם מורה נבוכים ח״א נט

10 מהר״ל אור חדש עמ׳ קלה
ולפיכך אמרו ש״חייב אדם לבסומי בומא דפוריא עד דלא ידע בין ארור המן לברוך מרדכי״ (מגילה ז:), כלומר כי כאשר אדם מגיע למדה זאת אין לו שום עזר כלל, כי לא ידע דבר, ואין לו יכולת, וכל ישראל באותו שעה לא היה העזר והתשועה דבר מה מצד עצמם רק מן השם יתברך היתה הישועה הזאת לגמרי, והיה כאיש אשר לא ידע דבר, שאין לו תשועה מצד עצמו כלל