This is my very first article on Medium and I would like to share about my story of becoming a Zen Buddhism practitioner and what I've observed and learned after two years.

Why I choose Zen Buddhism?

Everything must start from a tipping point. To myself, everything seemed so wrong after a few year climbing on the social ladder. At that time, I was in a middle level of my career which meant I could have been a manager in the near future. And the salary was super competitive comparing with other occupations in my country. But after all, I felt so empty and lack of motivation at work. Every morning I tried to wake myself up, finished my to-do list as soon as possible and then came back home sitting for hours in the couch watching trashy TV series, Youtube video clips, Facebooking, … The next day, same routine. Till one day, I did realize that I had been in a serious condition which could be described in short words: Whatever the shit, I don’t give a f***. Don't get me wrong, it was not the condition that Mark Manson encouraged you to achieve, it was worse because you did not care about your life anymore. Up to present, I just knew that I was in a mild depression for over a year.

Back to that time, I decided to save myself by quitting my job and go somewhere to relax. One of my colleagues recommended that I should go to Thailand Plum Village for a week because they have some short retreats there and the course is not so intense for beginners. So I went.

Up to now, I have been to Thailand Plum Village for 3 times. Honestly, the first time which lasted for 1 week didn’t change myself a lot. All I could remember is that the place was so beautiful, the brothers there were all friendly and I had some break-time to think about myself. Only one significant change is that I have become a vegetarian because I don't want to hurt animals and other forms of live anymore. The second time which also happened for 1 week resulted nothing more except I learned that there was a kind of program called "Rainy Retreat" for 3 months. And I got to mention that between the 1st and 2nd visit I still struggled with my depression so it was my motivation to take the opportunity to sign up for a 3 month intense study. You know what, it was the time I actually learned something about Buddhism, not as a religion but more accurately as a way of living without suffering and ignorance.

To my best knowledge, the ultimate goal of practicing Buddhism is to live in a peaceful and joyful life with True Freedom. To reach there, you have a lot of "tools". For example, if you want to travel from Japan to America, you get several options for traveling, so do Buddhism. You can practice Pure Land Buddhism, or either Vajrayana Buddhism, Mahayana Buddhism, it does not matter because all the roads lead to Rome. However, I was not that lucky to practice with other traditions and I also believed the universe always led me to where I needed to be so I chose to decide to follow the Zen Buddhism in Plum Village which established by Master Thich Nhat Hanh. Don’ be a Jack of all trades and master of none especially in developing your spiritual life, right?

Staying 3 months in a monastery bring me what?

When arriving in Thai Plum Village, I had a thought that I might not accomplish my 3-month program due to a lot troubles in air tickets, visa and transportation. On the contrary, things really went against my intuition. And on the final day after nearly 3 months (I had to leave earlier due to visa expiration) I did feel the time there was not enough to learn and to live in the beautiful Dharma.

I often shared with newcomers in every Dharma sharing session that when you stay here for 1 month the things you will see things much differently from those who come for 1 week and 2 weeks. But when you stay and practice for 3 months, you will have more proper image of Zen Buddhism (I did not dare to say a whole picture, but just partially). We tend to have perceptions towards things around us as we first come to know it in the beginning. Time and genuine experience will gradually break your perception and leave more accurate image which is closer to the Truth. And summarizing my experience in Plum Village, all I can say is: Breathing and Myself.

Breathing, you think I’m kidding right? Everyone knows how to breath since the moment they were born but the question is: Do you know how to breath in the right way? Breathing is a powerful and magical tool of human kind. First, it gives you the Oxygen to live. Second, researches have proved that breathing technique can calm human's mind and leave positive impact on mental health. Once, the Buddha said to his students: Do you know how long a life last for? There were several answers but none could satisfy him till one student replied: A life lasts for the length of one breathing in and one breathing out. The Buddha smiled at the answer. Yes, it is true that when we breath in with no breath out, then our lives end. This story reminds me that life is so impermanent. We can never predict what is waiting for us in the next chapter, therefore there's not much time left to waste but breathing mindfully and rightfully. "Before you want to achieve or learn anything further in Buddhism, please kindly practice with all of your heart how to breath properly" — that's what my Zen teacher always said to me.

Breathing in, I’m aware I'm breathing in.

Breathing out, I'm aware I'm breathing out. — Buddha

The second important thing I learn from that 3 month is Myself. Seem strange, right? But to me, it was my very first time that I can talk to myself in a proper way. Modern society fills us with inter-connection all the time. We always get distracted by several objects at one moment: Smartphone pop-up notifications, smartwatch, Facebook, Phone, Messages, Friend Chit-chatting, or non-stop thinking. You know what, it makes us sick. We are like runners who never find the end point, but the problem is we don't know that we can stop at any moment. The thing I would like to say is we rarely find the needed silence to listen to ourselves. Even when you take a long vacation to a beautiful resort and cut off all the connection to the outside world, you will surely want to talk to someone but not yourself. Staying in a monastery, fortunately, gave me the chance to stop the monkey mind and sit peacefully with myself and have a long conversation. I didn't know that for twenty-something years I had carried a lot of wounds inside my souls. And at that time, I really loved myself, truly deeply embraced myself for all the things it has been enduring.

Why is that? Buddhism psychology divides our minds into several parts, one of those was the "unconsciousness". It is the part that control your emotions, your attitude, your perceptions, etc which you never can control. It stores all the "seeds" from generations to generations, your childhood education, the information you take from outside world everyday. And unfortunately, it also stores all the severe wounds you take from a simple comment of your teachers, or your parents… There were many memories I thought already gone forever but they were surprisingly still there. I saw them and I ran away because the scare was so huge that it overshadowed the rest. And to be honest, we tend to run from our problems everyday. We watch TV-series, spend hours on Facebook, Twitter, … just to forget the issues we have to face in real world. We don't know that we just can ignore it for a while and burry it deep in our unconsciousness, not to delete it completely. It was so easy to understand that "run away" behaviors when we see something ugly of ourselves for the first time. "That ugly person with a lot of wounds is not me!" — we tends to say.

The solution for this? You will know the answer is predictable: Accept and let go. You've got to f***ing love yourself even when it is not the best version. To say is easier than to do, so how? From my best experience, we have to struggle, we have to be up and down for a long time before we realize one thing that is helpful: Never give up on yourself. Love it, love it more, love it more to the level that you can embrace all your wounds and patiently forgive all the mistakes and accept unconditionally the dark side. You will be the mother that hold your inner child with deep caring and kindness. I'm still on the road to learn to accept myself, but I will continue no matter what.

The more I connected with my inner child, the less I wanted to connect with the outside world. Sometimes, I found long and useless conversations truly exhausting as they drained my energy. Maybe because I was not ready so I come back to my shell and stayed there in endless silence.

Till then I realized it was not a good way. Buddhism taught me a great thing — the middle way. You dont have to be tough, but loosing too much might not be good as well. Only following the nature and do the right thing that your mindful mind show you will lead you the the place you have to be.

Then what’s next?

That was the question I always asked myself after returning from Thai Plum Village. I had to admit that sometimes I felt scared and panic when not knowing what I gonna do to earn money and live by. However, every time I were invited to an interview or got a job offer, my gut told me not to follow due to the fact that I was not ready. Or more exactly, I won't go back to the corporation life where I found undesired politics and dramas. My friends even got pissed off and sent me a lot of job information, but guess what I did not follow any of them.

As I said, the universe always has its best plan for you. Sometimes, all you have to do is to strongly believe in your destiny and everything would fall into place (I said sometimes, friends, and I don't advocate for the passive attitude to sit and wait for the magic appears). Now I work as a freelancer with a considerable amount of projects at a time. Besides, I am preparing for some personal non-profit projects in nutrition and lifestyle to help people like me restart their lives and define their core values. I deeply know that it won't bring me any money but it is the right thing to do, so I do it!

Future is always the most unpredictable thing even when you are the new Vanga. I learn that we can think of it but never be scared of it. When you find your own compass then all you have to do is to step forward. You will walk like a man in the forest at night, seeing the Polar as the guidance to make every move. In the forest, there is no road therefore you have to make it yourself. Your own road.

Be a better version of yourself everyday. And never give it up! That is when I see myself dwell in the True Freedom!

There are two keys that lead to a successful life — the harmony of your spiritual life and the serving community in goodness — Zen master U Jotika

Freedom is not the state that you can do whatever you want. But it is the state that you do all the Right Thing in perfect relaxing and happiness — Zen master U Jotika