The Shanaplan that could have been

Who remembers the 2014–15 Toronto Maple Leafs season? It was the embodiment of Murphy’s Law. They were playing out the string with interim coach Horachek, and Bernier was giving up center-ice goals like crazy.

Back then, the only hometown boy was a washed-up David Clarkson, who was signed by the organization solely for his flash-in-a-pan 30-goal season that he was never able to replicate with the white and blue. It was such a painful season for their fandom that the hockey community was getting a dose of Great Big World’s parodies.

The only thing that could justify all that pain was winning the McDavid sweepstakes. Just disregard the hindsight of him not being clutch in the Stanley Cup Finals or Olympic gold medal games. But at the time, he was the coveted franchise-altering gem. Unfortunately, the Leafs didn’t tank enough, and the lottery was won by the Oilers.

Without McJesus gracing the franchise, there needed to be change from the Shanaman. While that era was also notorious for the stereotypical empty arenas in Florida and rumors of them relocating, Brendan should have called their bluff by moving the Leafs first. That destination shall be Nuuk, Greenland.

Here’s why it would benefit the franchise long-term. With home ice being in such a frigid environment, the opponents stand no chance. This is especially true if that team was playing on back-to-back nights. With such a hefty advantage at home, it guarantees immediate regular season and playoff success. As such, they wouldn’t have sucked enough the following season to land Matthews.

Also, Tavares would not have aspired to sign there given that, well… Nuuk isn’t Toronto. It wouldn’t appeal to Pajama Boy. With only Marner and Nylander locked up long-term, there would have been more cap flexibility for a well-rounded roster that quickly breaks through and wins the Tundra Cup by 2018.

With Nuuk proven to be a passionate hockey market, the Nordic territory wins the bid to host the 2026 Winter Olympics (under Denmark). This saves NHLers and PWHLers the inconvenience of playing in incomplete hockey venues that we saw in Milan.

While Connor McDavid isn’t a clutch player, it doesn’t matter because Marner would have benefitted from the home-ice advantage to single-handedly blow the Czechs out of the water long before they try to injure Crosby. Sid and Mitch would have taken Canada past Sweden, who themselves were being carried by Nylander, in the gold medal game. Brad Marchand books his place in the Triple Gold Club in this timeline.

On the Toronto end, the less-saturated sports landscape means more focus on the Blue Jays leading up to their 2025 run. That extra boost of fan support would have been enough to mentally get them past the Dodgers, who were already playing subpar and providing the Jays a big handicap as they could. With competent base running, that agonizing 18-inning Game 3 loss would have been avoided, and the Jays would have closed the World Series out in 5 games.

John Tavares finally has a place in Toronto sports lore as well, as he throws the ceremonial pitch on banner-raising day ahead of the 2026 Jays home opener. While the city is partying like it is 1993, the former Oshawa General is pitching like it is 2008.

Nuuk was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Kits catered to their diving needs

It’s no secret that diving has been intertwined with soccer/association football. Not even championship teams are immune from it. Spain’s recent World Cup run was tainted by controversy when Lamine Yamal purposely ran towards Lucas Digne’s blind spot with the sole objective of getting kicked instead of any true intention to go for the ball. This led to an ill-gotten penalty kick and many casual fans questioning the rule of the sport.

Despite the premise of that incident, Yamal at least did a wonderful job selling it. He still went flying after the contact. However, many other players aren’t talented actors.

Some are guilty of things like grabbing their right leg in pain when it was actually their left leg that got clipped. This is why players’ kits should be equipped with jetpacks. After the most minimal of contact, the jetpack would activate.

Peter Griffin of Family Guy (1999-present) already perfected such technology. While Mr. Griffin hurt himself by misusing the jetpack indoors, its purpose would thrive on a giant football pitch. The kit’s abrasion with the grass would make MLB baserunners’ uniforms look like clean laundry by comparison.

The North American audience would grow exponentially from finally having something in the sport that excites them. Who would have guessed that a professional athlete’s body is more unsteady than billiard balls?

Jetpack Jerseys was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The most exclusive list there is

There is massive hype surrounding Cape Verde folk legend Vozinha after he signed with the Chilean domestic club. It’s not like this coveted club is actually obscure and a North American college student would have to learn about it by playing FIFA 27. Let’s look back at some of the sport’s best that never played there.

Marcelo

This is the former Real Madrid captain whose country was under siege against Chile in the 2014 World Cup. Imagine how things would’ve changed if they didn’t make it out alive in that shootout. Sure, Brazil would’ve been spared the 7–1 semifinal humiliation by Germany, but such an embarrassing early exit would result in a good chunk of those players having to submit to their South American adversaries by playing in their domestic league.

Lamine Yamal

He might only be 19 and have minimal mileage in his club career so far. But that side note is irrelevant when the criteria only require that one never played for Colo-Colo. With how quickly Barcelona is burning him out, he will retire within five years. He wouldn’t have any gas left in the tank for a farewell tour in Chile.

Memphis Depay

He was a Dutch legend in the 2022 World Cup qualifying campaign, where he led all Europeans in goals. However, Depay never achieved his full footballing potential. The short peak was due to his singing career derailing him. Otherwise, he would have solidified a roster spot on the prestigious Chilean club instead of currently whimpering away with the lackluster Corinthians.

Stephen Eustáquio

You might be expecting Ronaldo to make the list. However, Cristiano wasn’t even chronologically first (among those that ever donned the number 7 for Team Portugal) to score a World Cup knockout stage goal. That distinction goes to Eustáquio, who earned this place on the list for actually being a big-game player. Perhaps he was too good, and Colo-Colo was afraid he’d disrupt the league’s parity.

Ronaldo Nazário

It turned out that Ronaldo did make the list after all. Nazàrio is a trooper for having to single-handedly carry the 2002 World Cup Brazil team and wipe away the disgrace of teammate Rivaldo’s dive. Only by dominating a tournament so much can a controversy be overshadowed. Although co-host Korea’s own cheating also helped divert attention away.

To prove that this list is absolutely serious and can’t possibly be a joke, R9 actually had a legitimate transfer proposal at the age of 17 that fell through. The proposed trade was for Neira, which Colo-Colo’s president refused. It was their loss.

And there is the list. It is indeed mind-blowing that five different players can be named. Vozinha himself almost eluded Colo-Colo, but not even Father Time can push him into retirement. At the ripe age of 40, Vozinha is another pillar in the pantheon of elite players to ever showcase for the club.

Top 5 Footballers to Never Play for Colo-Colo was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

When your childhood movie ages poorly

Like Mike (2002) is a cult classic. None of the remarks are genuine insults towards the movie’s writers nor producers, but rather just playful jabs at the characters mentioned.

The Knights being the placeholder Clippers

Clippers ownership didn’t care at the time. There is no doubt in any viewer’s mind that the movie was ripping at then-owner Donald Sterling. If it weren’t for child labor laws, Sterling would’ve certainly cheaped out by hiring an orphan to carry the team instead of properly investing in fully developed stars. The thin veil of a Knights alias was the only thing keeping him from being put on the guillotine at the time. Or from Sterling being able to sue the movie producers for slander.

Room service trope

Let’s play six degrees of [room service] exploitation. Before Calvin Cambridge, Kevin McCallister did it in Home Alone 2, racking up a bill of $967. Kevin is played by Macaulay Culkin, who is married to Brenda Song. The latter celebrity is in the movie Like Mike. What a coincidence! Perhaps the couple’s offspring will grow up to play the roles of hotel hooligans as well.

The sleeping pills mishap

While an attractive pharmacist can be distracting, there is no way anyone was dumb enough in 2002 (before phones rotted our brains) to mistake the two pill bottles. Even without looking at the lid colors, one could feel the difference with their hands. The bottle for allergies was shorter and wider than the slender one with sleeping pills. The Los Angeles Knights’ initial struggles were obviously attributed to Tracy’s short attention span dragging down the team.

Orange you glad?

To make viewers feel helplessly poor, the rich don’t play paintball. They instead dump buckets of paint on each other while enjoying the scenic mansion backyard and then jump in their pool to wash it off. When Cambridge isn’t exploiting hotel room service, he’s a nightmare for Tracy’s housekeepers. Thank goodness they have no say in his eventual adoption.

The conferences

In a showdown between the East Toronto Raptors and the West Los Angeles Knights, it is unlikely that both needed to bank on Game 82 to make the playoffs. While it is theoretically possible, how often would the final game of a regular season between inter-conference opponents actually be a ‘win and you’re in’ scenario for both of them? If anything, it seems more likely that a lightning strike could induce MVP-caliber skills into the sneakers of a 14-year-old.

An Over-Opinionated Couch Potato’s Critique of Like Mike was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Dibu spared us from this fate

Everyone is familiar with Martinez saving Muani’s shot at the ‘120 + 3’ minute mark in the 2022 World Cup Final. Knowing his counterpart Hugo Lloris would be unable to stop anything in shootouts, Martinez needed to preserve the draw.

That moment was the most do-or-die save in football history. No wonder Zidane literally ended his professional career with a headbutt. He probably saw the future and knew how frustrating his country was going to become. To add insult to injury, he has to begin coaching the national team as well.

However, a lot more than my aunt’s $2500 bet hinged on that save. Let’s go over how our reality would have been different. If Muani was smart enough to lob the ball over to Mbappé, the latter would have won the match right there.

A four-goal performance in a final is unheard of, and this would cause Emmanuel Macron to erect statues of Mbappé all over the country within days of the tournament ending.

With two final losses, Messi would have been too discouraged to continue on with his professional career. As a result, his former Barcelona teammates Busquets and Alba wouldn’t have a reason to head to Miami and would instead opt to accept their initial offers from the Saudi League.

In addition to those two, Ronaldo is also heading there, as well as 2024 Real Madrid hero Joselu signing in Qatar. The growth of Middle Eastern leagues takes the world by storm, as the region becomes the new hub for football. No more UEFA domestic leagues!

Salty footballing fans from all of Europe would go to France and vandalize the Mbappé statues, knowing how much harm his last-minute goal did.

Fortunately, Kylian doesn’t have to answer to the angry mobs. He is too busy enjoying smoothies in the oil-rich country while playing alongside Cristiano on Al-Nassr. Ronaldo rejuvenated himself to play until he’s fifty solely with the satisfaction that his rival Messi retired without a World Cup title.

The LEG-endary Save Undone was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Decision is red card

Salvadoran referee Iván Barton was part of history when he handed out the first red card under FIFA’s new rule. But it was his enthusiasm when announcing it that made it go viral: AFTER REVIEW, NUMBER 10 PARAGUAY COVERED HIS MOUTH. DECISION IS RED CARD!

As a tribute, this article is formatted to mimic the mixtapes that resulted from it. It will echo in the ears of Wes McCauley, as he wishes he were the one to ever make such an iconic call.

Almirón was booked earlier in that same tournament for diving against the US… AFTER REVIEW, NUMBER 10 PARAGUAY COVERED HIS MOUTH. DECISION IS RED CARD!

Paraguay finally scored a knockout stage goal for the first time in their history. It came in a parking-the-bus masterclass against Germany…. AFTER REVIEW, NUMBER 10 PARAGUAY COVERED HIS MOUTH. DECISION IS RED CARD!

Paraguay went on to play a nasty game against France…. AFTER REVIEW, NUMBER 10 PARAGUAY COVERED HIS MOUTH. DECISION IS RED CARD!

Barton was later assigned to the semi-final match between France and Spain. Fans disliked the penalty kick awarded against Lucas Digne for kicking Lamine Yamal when the infraction didn’t directly impede a scoring opportunity…. AFTER REVIEW, NUMBER 10 PARAGUAY COVERED HIS MOUTH. DECISION IS RED CARD!

Immediately after the World Cup, Almirón was back in action with Atlanta United FC and continues to be a nemesis for refs…. AFTER REVIEW, NUMBER 10 PARAGUAY COVERED HIS MOUTH. DECISION IS RED CARD!

To the shock of no one, North Americans went back to not caring about the sport. So much for the growth of the MLS. With the NHL still having the upper hand there, McCauley better practice his calls this off-season.

Number 10 Paraguay Covered His Mouth was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The Norway-Côte D’Ivoire rivalry lives on

While the Ivory Coast finally experienced a knockout stage game at the recent World Cup, their joy was short-lived when they were eliminated by Haaland’s Norway.

However, it wasn’t the first time that Norwegians were a curse on Ivorian footballers.

For that, we go back to the second leg of the 2009 Champions League semi-final between Chelsea and Barcelona. The Norwegian referee let a lot slide for the latter team, which resulted in Ivorian legend Didier Drogba infamously shouting, ‘It’s a fucking disgrace,’ at the camera afterwards.

The footage is etched in time, as younger, North American folks would mistake the then-Chelsea manager Guus Hiddink for ESPN’s Steve Levy. Levy can only wish to cover such a controversial match.

History has dictated that the Viking north is an obstacle for the land of poached elephants. Perhaps the tusks were used as horns for their Viking helmets. Better warn the NHL’s Utah Mammoth to steer away from the same fate.

That match was deserving of an epilogue:

Iniesta not only repeated such heroics at the 2010 World Cup Final but also normalized taking jerseys off to celebrate. The yellow card was worth it in both incidences. Unfortunately, for a certain Iranian player in 2026, VAR deemed his goal offside, which rendered his yellow card celebration to be in vain. Not everyone can pull off an Iniesta.

Chelsea went on to win the UCL in 2012, making Drogba’s initial fuss seem excessive in hindsight. Who knew that whenever Chelsea and Barcelona butt heads in a Champions League semi-final, the team that is down to ten players is always the one to prevail?

Maybe the Norwegian ref’s real crime was actually in not penalizing Chelsea to help reverse-jinx them. After all, Chelsea would’ve likely squandered the penalty kicks that they were pleading for.

Vikings vs Elephants was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Infantino can only do so much

With the conclusion of the 2026 FIFA World Cup, there are already talks about further expanding the next tournament to 64 teams. Yet Italy still wouldn’t qualify even after that!

This is not hyperbolic. Italy’s current drought of World Cup appearances is lengthy enough that during that time, a certain Kylian Mbappé made his World Cup debut and eclipsed the all-time goals record.

It would seem that Italy would have to host the tournament to be able to qualify. Given that they are co-hosting the 2032 Euro Cup with Türkiye, it’s not far-fetched that they could piggyback on a future World Cup bid as well.

Here are the countries they could split hosting duties with:

France

One-time Simpsons character Hank Scorpio is notorious for many things, including asking Homer whether France or Italy is his least favorite country. Supervillains must really hate romantic, wine-drinking countries. Thankfully, FIFA is not run by Globex, and therefore, this tournament would not be anyone’s ‘least favorite.’

After all, a bit of romance here and there would help quell the violent behavior normally exhibited by sports fans. Messi would certainly not be vandalizing a hotel lobby if the Michelob Ultra commercials were instead ads for wine.

Spain

This would be the ‘4 2’ themed World Cup. Italy has four World Cup titles and two Euro Cup titles, while Spain has two World Cup titles and four Euro Cup titles. Such parity really is unheard of, as the two countries often entered the (now-defunct) Confederations Cup together. Just imagine the silly fans gesturing ‘4 2’ with their hands. Surely, it couldn’t be any sillier than the ‘6 7’ craze. Nor as silly as there ever being a FIFA Confederations Cup.

Germany

Italy and Germany hosted the World Cup twice prior, with Italy winning the title once at home and once in Germany. Germany, likewise, also won the title once at home and once in Italy (just disregard the semantics of West and East Germany due to the Berlin Wall during those decades).

With such a paradox, who knows which country would win a tournament where they co-host? Perhaps those two meet in the final, and it becomes a never-ending penalty kick shootout.

Uruguay

While Chiellini already got his revenge on Chewy Suarez in the 2017 UEFA Champions League quarterfinal, the initial biting incident still cursed Italy. They have not played in a World Cup match since.

Therefore, Uruguay owes Italy a joint bid to bring them back to these tournaments. It’s a shame that this wasn’t the decision made for the upcoming centennial World Cup, considering that they were the first two tournament hosts and champions.

Belgium

Speaking of Italian droughts, their domestic league Serie A hasn’t produced any UEFA Champions League winner since 2010. The closest they came was Inter Milan losing 1–0 to the Premier League’s Man City in the 2023 final due to double agent Romelu Lukaku sabotaging his own team. 442oons has a lot to say about his Inter Milan treason.

For prolonging Serie A’s UCL title drought, Lukaku’s home country of Belgium also owes Italy this favor to bring it back to World Cup tournaments.

Little Italy was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Big moments call for a big chalice

For the most popular sport in the world, the tournament’s prize seems pretty small. Neymar should be embarrassed that something so tiny motivates him to constantly roll on the field. My middle school piano trophies look more impressive than that. And they were merely participation awards!

Furthermore, why even call it a cup if it doesn’t have the bowl-shaped top to hold liquids?

The NHL’s 35-pound Lord Stanley is what sports fans and pro-athletes would be proud to call a cup. Players take sips from it all the time.

Maintaining the shape of the Stanley Cup, the FIFA World Cup trophy should be crafted out of ice. Nothing says ‘staying hydrated’ like players touching frozen water.

Modern hydration breaks have shown that players become dehydrated very quickly, despite them often playing in temperate venues that are nowhere near scorching. Obviously those breaks aren’t a result of a corrupt human hierarchy maximizing ad space and revenue.

They take turns lifting the ice trophy like how NHL players individually savor the Stanley Cup. When the ice trophy begins melting, it soaks the grass underneath and eventually causes the player holding it to slip and fall.

The referee comes out to issue a yellow card for diving. This particular player already received one earlier for taking his shirt off while celebrating a goal. Now booked a second time, he is ejected. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the favoritism of being on the host nation either to be able to delay the single-game ban.

Not that it matters anyways because it would be a meaningless match compared to the one he just won. He can afford to sit out for his domestic club.

A Stanley-Sized World Cup Trophy was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Thank goodness award shows were already phased out

There aren’t many team-based awards in the NHL. It is a shame that a team’s regular-season endurance often goes unrecognized. The Nashville Predators made sure to cherish each and every banner that they received in 2018, for future generations to remember their short-lived Cup window.

To allow for other fruitless franchises to celebrate in similar fashion, let’s hold a parade on a luminous Mario Kart rainbow racetrack, with each award presented as a giant float. Here are ideas for various other awards:

Hostile hosts award — best home record

Hostile to host award — best away record

Never say die award — most third period comebacks

Heads-up award — most games scoring the first goal

Better in numbers award — best power play

Sin bin guru award — most rush chances while shorthanded

Timing is everything award — most breakaways from a player coming out of the penalty box

Choir award — most guest anthem singers during the season

Gun range award — most total shots on net

Ceasefire award — fewest total shots allowed

Garbage time award — most total goals scored in losses after the opponent’s eventual game-winner

Cut to the chase award — most goals in the opening minute of the first

Nothing but net award — most empty goals

Skaters guild award — most 6-on-5 goals

Keep-away award — most total ice time in the season where the opponent has a delayed penalty

Refs best friend award — fewest total icing calls in the season

Goal horn award — most home goals scored

Silencer award — most away goals scored

Environmental activist award — fewest total sticks broken

Iron supplements award — most times hitting a post or crossbar

Martyr award — most percentage of team’s goals coming from only the top line

Taking care of business award — most empty net goals within ten seconds of the opponent pulling the goalie

Pinball award — most goals scored by banking the shot off the opposing player

Spin doctor award — most wraparound goals

Slow and steady award — least total offside calls

Armchair refs award — most coaches challenges won for offside

No cap award — most total hat tricks

Mix and match award — most goals scored due to an opponent’s bad line change

On the frontline award — most total blocked shots

Torpedo launcher award — most total goals by the blue line

Neck and neck award — most total time played with a tied score

Work to live award — fewest games that went into overtime

Live to work award — most games that went into overtime

Skee-ball award — most goals scored through a goalie’s five-hole

Ovechkin’s office award — most total one-timers

The NHL Statistical Award Show was originally published in Participation Trophy Sports Humor on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.