Everything is running slow. She squints, but her eyes feel heavy yet she wasn’t drowsy. There was a surprising clarity over both her mind and eyes. She felt like she existed on an extraordinary life plan. A foreign world that was rearranging everything — like a snapchat filter. She had an insane life! Her friends and family regarded her unusual because of her strange nature. They found ways and routes to make her feel normal but she couldn’t understand why because she enjoyed being unique. It’s part of who she was. Like for god’s sake what kind of girl never see her stories before submitting them to the social media world out there to know how she even looks like!

She takes a deep breath. Today is not just another day for her. She was turning 30, and she wanted to observe that special occasion. She thought about throwing herself a party in her comfortable country house but then there were her friends who loved to throw themselves at her, doing everything in their power to please her. They would wreck her elegant home! — She rolled her eyes playfully at the thought then smiled. — She loved that house with everything she got. It was her happy place.

Those close to her knew this. After what happened to her in the last year of college, she froze and died from the inside and regardless of how active, gentle, and spirited she worked hard to look on the surface, she was sure she had died that day. It was an effort for her to live. Her mind fighting against her, suicidal thoughts coming so close to taking over and a little nagging voice just reaching up in the nick of time telling “just one more day”. Exposure to too much pain does that to a woman, you know.

Just one more day. She said out loud in her effort to thwart the train of the unhealthy thoughts. She wanted to think about today. Her birthday. What to do or not to do on this birthday affair? A hair cut? one more tattoo? Or Maybe, a drink with Kenny — one of her unconventional ex-suitors. Nah, the image didn’t excite her much this time. She gets bored. It’s the one thing that horoscope propaganda got right. Kenny was some tedious old news and today, she didn’t want any boring old news.

She peers at the wall clock. 11pm already? She shuffles from her desk to the open window bringing in some cool breeze. She takes in a mouth-full of fresh air and smiles again. What a magnificent night! And with that, she resolved to stay home for her 30th birthday!

She walked to the sound system in her little office room and turned it on. Smooth classic tune came on. She danced a little across the room then tiptoed down the stairs towards the Kitchen. She came back with a tray. 2 glasses and a bottle of whisky. One glass empty and the other half-full with Ice. Fiddling with her long brown locks of curled hair, she poured herself some whisky on ice and took a quaff. Party of one was kicking off well. She started dancing.

After 10 steps of what seemed like a learner’s ballet she sat down at her desk, reached out for a cigarette and took a long hard puff. She looked around as she blew out the smoke. Her organized desk stared back at her. Her arranged manuscript seems to smile at her, and her favorite pencil seemed to beckon her to write more. But not today. She blew off more smoke. Then something caught her eyes. A tiny folded brown envelope. She pulled the ashtray closer to her, butted off the last of her cigarette and reached for the envelope, curious about the contents. She unfolded it and emptied those contents in her now open palm. 3 little white gems fell on her palm. My goodness! She had forgotten about these!

What was she thinking leaving them on her desk in the open just like that? Bless her soul she lived far off in the country otherwise the police would have had a field day if they as much as suspected she had those. She held one close to her eyes scanning it. How could such a puny little capsule hold so much power? Wait, Won’t it be precious if she tested out these capsules today? On her birthday! According to the book she and her friends read, these pills are so potent. They all contained crushed soft sugar powder. However, two of the pills could make a person touch heaven, but one pill was strong enough to kill a flourishing human being within an hour. As if dying was that easy! She scorned and chuckled at the thought of passing within an hour, finding it preposterous that it was so easy for her friends to reach that point of gambling with their lives. They are indeed ludicrous. However, touching heaven and that on her birthday, was very provocative to her!

The little white capsules were now seducing her curious brain. Coaxing her to take them. But she grabbed her glass of bourbon and took a sip instead. She then reeled out to the balcony with her glass of liquor on one hand and the 3 pills on the other. A gentle breeze wafted her hair into her eyes. She brushed it aside. A single passing outside her abandoned street honked. The music from her stereo was blaring. She could not stop staring at the innocent capsules holding her lifeline.

She wanted so much to taste heaven! But how is she going to tell the 3 identical capsules apart? With 2 pills she could reach heaven but with 1 she could die. Which one was paradise and which one was death?

Decisions. Decisions. There weren’t any tags or labels on the capsules. Should she play “Russian Roulette” with her life? The more she debated whether she wanted to do this. The more alluring the idea was to swallow one pill and reach heaven. Throwing herself on the chair at the corner of her balcony, she rolled the pills together in her hand like dice and without warning dropped one in her mouth and gulped it down with whiskey!

She sat on that couch for 15 minutes as if contemplating what she had just done on impulse. The 33.33% probability that she’d be dead in one hour had winked at her and she had smiled back. She was on Cloud 9. Floaty… She emptied the remaining contents of her glass in her mouth and went back inside.

She put the remaining 2 pills on the table. By now she realized lady luck was on her side because she was feeling good! She was feeling inspired, and she wanted to write. She sat on her desk poured herself more drink and started writing. Dates and times do not matter anymore. Matter is what we can touch with our hands and perceive with our eyes. Time expands further than matter and makes it ironically enough unimportant at moments when we are trying to create something solid. But what is it am I trying to create? Something others might grasp? Something to explain the chaos in my mind? Or merely something the chaos in my mind can create? Can I say this mind of mine is not…

She halted. As if she just got another idea. But lit a cigarette. Sighing, she smoked. Her free hand stretched to move the remaining capsules close to her. Using her finger, she shifted them into place. She puffed and looked at the smoke go up as if hoping for it to grant her that much needed clue about life but it didn’t. She stood up danced a little then sat still for a few minutes. She picked up another pill brought it so close to her mouth. She heard something outside. She put the pill back down and closed the balcony door. She then had an idea to open the capsule and empty the contents into the whiskey before drinking it! Brilliant! But then she remembered that horrible day in high school. The day it happened. The day she turned against her heart. The day it all shattered. The day she became cold. Ever since, she has just gone through life’s motions.

Never living it but making the same mistakes over and over. Her impulsive behavior started that day. She kept swearing each day that she’d learned her lesson, that she’d stop, that she’d finish it once and for all. But right when she thought She had control of herself. The thirst, that want, that crazy need to do something impulsive would just creep back into her being, engulfs her veins, take over her body, and consume the little self- control she had left. Then mercilessly shred her will into insignificant little parts and trudge on it.

That thirst was here today. She could hear the pills calling to her. Whispering. Begging. She wished she hadn’t seen them. She wished they could stop tormenting her. “Shut up!” she shouted. But she wanted it. She needed to feel the heaven again.

25 minutes later she was still there. No pain. Just bliss. She looked around and smiled. Lady Luck was still on her side. It bewildered her. She looked at the guitar on her wall and contemplated playing it but she was in heaven- she didn’t care. The music from the radio was enough. She showed off her colorful wigs. Looked at her travel-pics-wall, shifted her fashion wardrobe upside down and went through every precious memory she ever had. She remembered her little brother and sister. That trophy she got from work for being an employee of the year once, the unique wine opener given to her by Kenny, the jeans shorts she was wearing when she lost her virginity. What glorious days! After about 40 minutes, she got the feeling she has a lot of time in the world to do whatever she wanted to do in life. She wanted to right all the wrongs she’s ever done. She hoped to travel to Canada, maybe get closer to her siblings. Her train of thought was unstoppable, she could run naked in the streets. Go skydiving, or bungee jumping. She could fall in love. She imagined someone with her. Her telling him “I love You” and him telling her “I love you too”.

Then it hit her. “I just turned 30” she exclaimed. What if she got no time left at all? What if she dropped lifeless at this exact moment? What would happen? Would anyone weep for her? Would anyone find her? How long would they take to find her body? She resided alone! And where was her phone? She jumped at the memory of her phone. How could she forget about that? Why is her life in shambles? is it how it supposed to be? who is she? How did she get here? Why is she so forgetful? She scowled and crushed when she got a peek of her Purple Heart (Inch Plant) that she had also neglected to water. And like a child, she tugged at her hair and screeched. Then broke. It devastated her. Everything lost its color and texture.

She leaped to stand up, and black spots swam in her vision. Kicking over her trash can, she stormed outside her small office room Shrieking, she destroyed the only stuffed animal she owned and flung the rugs on the floor. Screaming, she reeled back to her desk tossing things across the room as she passed. She collapsed on her desk chair and wept. And shouted. And howled with everything she had left. She mourned with her face on the desk and hands on her head.

“Jenny, are you okay?” Someone patted her on her shoulder ‘I’m fine, thanks’, she conceded. Shuffling him away. In her moment of hysteria, she didn’t hear him come in. He’d let himself in and come up the stairs and she hadn’t heard him.

With shock sadness and indignation, she looked at him fixing his glasses on his face, she hasn’t seen him since the drink they had together at his house three weeks ago. They weren’t that close back then but the chemistry between them was complex. She’d told him to come over anytime, but he never did, yet he’s here now. He walked around the little office staring at the mess she’d built and smiled. She sat there gawking at him, not sure what to say. He pulled up the manuscript on the table, picked up a folded lawn chair from a corner and sat down to read. She was not sure that writing down what she just did in the past few minutes was a wise idea or not, but its too late anyway. Surprisingly She didn’t stop him. She just glared. Searching for indications on his body language or a reaction on his face. But there was nothing.

He was a broody fellow who’d mastered his poker face. How this broody piece of hunk had established such deep tension between them was a mystery to her. All the other dudes were ken-dolls to her but this one… this one was special. She recalled what he said that day they were drinking… “Your eyes show me your soul. I can see you…” to which she blushed and smiled at. An occasion of submission for her despite all those years of teaching her heart not to get warm. She felt once he looked into her eyes that she’s naked in front of him. most of the times she hates that feeling specially with her being that strong, tough, and cold … but some other times she just surrender to those few moments in joy.

After what seemed like an hour. He finished reading the manuscript, he carefully placed it back where he’d drawn it up from and balanced his glasses. He looked at her and noticing her calm, staring at him with her eyes quizzing him, he smiled and reached out to hold her hand. She faltered. He shuffled his grasp to one of the remaining 2 capsules on the table and before she could breathe a signal, he shoved it into his mouth and gobbled it down with the remaining contents of her glass.

Then time Froze.

[THE END]

Ismail Issa

23/12/2019

I parked my car in front of this huge building with the same old Logo on top of..

[…It seems pretty much as before….I told myself that..]

Taking several steps inside my old work place, I can’t recognize any familiar faces…I guess it’s a normal thing after all these years working outside Egypt, I would barely find some I know here….

I lay my eye on someone I had known…he smiled to me in a warm way, and I waved my hand slowly as a decent reply to that….

[…Is she really still works here? do I wish to accidentally meet her? Or maybe it’s not a good idea?..]

I felt a mix of being afraid, happy and uncomfortable when this thought passed by my head..

Heading towards where my old desk used to be, luckily two of my old best friends still in here…

Hugs, laughs, blames, asking about each others news in the last 5 year, asking them about our old common friends……It seems like most of them are married now…

I don’t know why I intentionally avoided asking about her… all I known since my sudden travel till now that she’s currently married and have a young baby girl…

I took sometime passing by old friends, And I forced myself to make my passing to her desk at the end of my tour… but unfortunately I found another young girl setting in her place…A hidden smile on my face came out, and I decided to left.

I passed again to my old mates to say goodbye, with a promise to try to pass by again for old time sake.

I headed towards the main entrance of the building….but out of all people working in here, I saw her talking to someone at the end of that small passage I took between partitions…..!

She looked pretty the same, but the years and experience seems to add to her a sense of maturity & glowing look in the eyes.

[…..Should I talk to her?]

I hung-up for a second, but then I decided to wear my sun glasses and continue in my way, I don’t think she would notice me after all this years anyway…

She looked directly to me, and stands still for a second……..I guess I saw the look of “it’s surely him” in her eyes, but I continued my way with a faster steps to the parking outside anyway..

I stayed inside the car for some minutes to catch up my breathe, and try to handle all that rush of feelings and memories that I face in this last hour….it wasn’t a small part of my life after all..

I started moving my car and slowed a little in front of the building to have a last look…..but then I saw her standing on front of the door staring right at me, with this mug of hers in her hand…

……………………..

I slowed down a little bit more…but I continued my way anyway…

A content smile and look drawn on my face when I lay my eye on this lovely picture of my baby boy inside the car….I remember it was his first steps or so….

I phoned my wife to just tell her that I love her…It was a bit mysterious, but she was so happy……….that’s what really matters in the end after all..

Doing my morning stuff silently…
my baby sister is telling me something, I can’t hear a thing…

This little bird outside the window, I stared at it for some time…
the breakfast staying as is, I just took a sip of the coffee…

It’s like my mind is standing somewhere else…

“ Why Am I wearing black in black today,
and why does that makes me feel good ? “

Driving the car, heading to work…
passing the building entrance…
someone saying “morning..”, I can’t hear a thing…

Walking down…this is not my usual path to my desk…
I’m not thinking where to head to, it’s like it’s already destined…

Stopping at her desk…. “am I happy that she’s not here ?”
Picking the pen and writing the words down on this sticky note…
Sticking it on her screen and putting the pen aside…

Having some steps backward, heading again towards the building entrance and just leave…
I guess it’s wise that I didn’t sign it with my name..
especially that she doesn’t know that yesterday was my last day here..

Do I hope that she will figure out, or should I turn back inside…?

“He never imagined that such day would come that fast!”

Sitting in the car around the hotel, he stayed where the wedding is supposed to take place, in his fancy groom’s suit. He could hear all the singing and cheering in the background and his phone was non-stop ringing from his friends & family calls, wondering why it’s taking him so long to be there in such a day! His mind was somewhere else, thinking that they have been together for more than 2 years and no-one, even him included, know why it took him such a long time to propose. Specially that he was around 34, doing good financially, and everyone was envying him on his fiance and their fairy tale love story, it always has been their friends’ favorite night chats of all.

Only his heart knew the reason why, he couldn’t believe that he’s going to marry someone else but her, The girl that her laugh used to lighten up the whole world around him like a warm sun while they were at the university together. He loved her for years secretly, and loved her for even longer period when they were together. Even though he knew how much she loved him, she was always finding a way not to take it to the next level and to actually getting married. Sometimes she says it’s not the right time yet, some other times she was worried that she might turn into “just a wife”, and sometimes even coming up with a crazy idea that marriage will put an end to their love story and that they are way better this way! Deep down in his heart he always knew those were just excuses and the real reason that she was the kind of woman who loved being in the center-of-attention-and-most-wanted lady, and everyone’s dream to catch, and being publicly married would mean that such world of hers will not be there anymore.

Even after when he decided to restart his life in another country, he was — intentionally or sub consciously— leaving the door slightly opened for “casual checkup” on one another every now and then, She was also having the habit of always showing up whenever he was on the verge of a new committed relationship as if her heart could sense such a thing! He knew he wasn’t strong enough to turn her down if she tried to get back together, even though his words to her was saying otherwise all the way. Looking from the car window to the open space, feeling the cold breeze on his face, he was lost in the nostalgic memories remembering the old hopes when she used to give to him, closing his eyes while recalls the memories when she used to swear how much she loved him and that she will never leave him ….

Suddenly! someone broke his thought lines by knocking on his car window, he looked up scared if one of the guests had found him already! but instead, it turns out to be the last person he imagined seeing at such a time. He thought his mind is fooling him by all those memories and imaginations, but when she opened the door and got in the car next to him smiling he was sure that it was HER. He was thinking how could it happen? He made sure not to invite her and he tracked every possible chain of people that would lead to her! How could it happen while the last time they spoke was almost more than 3 years ago? He was sure that she knew about him getting married since they have a lot of friends in common, but it never came into his wildest dreams that she might show up! She started to talk to him casually and he was — unusually — calm around her. He was pondering over her face, her eyes, the way she moves her hands while talking, and how she smiles in the cutest way ever when she pauses and try to remember something … He didn’t say much, he also noticed that she is talking quite fast and in a different-unrelated topics as she used to do when she was nervous or trying to hide something.

“I wanted to give you something” she said. “What is it?” he replied calmly. She took out a small jewelry box out of her purse and gave it to him. With a shaky hands he opened it to find a silver ring that fits him just right. “I know it’s not the best time, but I want to marry you!”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Scene 2:

Sitting in that room in this fancy hotel that holds her wedding night, submerged with a lot of feelings that needs a book to explain them … hearing the wedding entrance songs playing downstairs, that when they suppose to start moving actually and come down to the aisle.

“He didn’t show up yet” — she was thinking loudly … last thing that she heard of him was a message telling her he’ll be here in 20 minutes. But that wasn’t her main concern at that moment, it was her heart, and it wasn’t a new feeling anyway. All that was like a dream to her, throughout her 28 years old life her heart didn’t feel that way before. Even though she had a lot of guys around her, who adored her like crazy for her prettiness, how successful she was, her childish heart or her innocent laugh.

Even in her previous relationships, she always felt something is missing, she always felt like none of those people can be her prince who deserve to have her for as long as they live. But for him, he was the only one who made her feel that way, he was very honest from the beginning with her about his old love story, and how it ended. But there was always that look in his eyes whenever he was talking about her, a warm look that she knew exactly what it means, but trying to ignore it as much as possible. He never told her about this girl’s name, but one day he was talking to his sister and slipped the name out of his mouth unintentionally. And with some “girl-friend” investigation she managed to know a lot about her — without him knowing of course — and even though they weren’t friends in the virtual world she could feel that some of the words she wrote recently were written exactly for him.

He assured her many times that he was over her whenever she asked, but she never really believed it. All his actions, laughs, dreams even the touch of his hand when he hold hers and put a warm kiss on them, as much as they felt honest and true but they were always missing something. She didn’t regret giving him her heart, future and everything. She never compared him to any of the other guys. She even found herself liking his kind of music and singing it while no one is around, remembering him in her prayers always even before herself or her parents, seeing the world with his eyes, love what he loved and her heart refused to go a day without hearing his voice as it’s almost the only thing that made her go through the day … It was the first time to experience completely surrendering her heart to someone and most importantly that she was happy with that. She remembered when she asked him about his ex and how he managed to get over her. He used to tell her about forgetting her, how the world grew apart between them and how he buried her deep in his memories without a comeback.

“What are you doing?” — asked by one of her best friend entering her room. “I thought I saw you with him in his car a while ago outside the hotel, but looks like it was his sister not you” said her best friend. “May be” mumbled the bride … “Good thing he finally came, I’ll go down to him so we can start the ceremony”.

A lot of thoughts were storming in her mind. Why would he sit outside in the car with his sister at such time? what if it wasn’t his sister? who could she be? could it be her? Was he fooling me all that long and invited her even though I mentioned to him not to? She ran down with her white dress, rushing to the side door of the hotel trying to recall all the images of this girl, from the many nights that she spent looking at. She knows exactly how she looked like, her dresses, her makeup style, her face, even her nail polish in every picture of her. Her heart was telling her it was that girl … and she used to trust what her heart tells her, even if it didn’t make any sense, and this was one of those times. Could fate be that cruel? could her worst nightmares to happen just like this? She knew that she wasn’t doing the best job when it comes to her religion but could it be that God is punishing her? Whenever she was late for a prayer or felt any arrogance or egoism inside herself, she panics directly and asks god for forgiveness as she remembers the sentence she heard long time ago “the heart of whom I loved, lies in the hands of whom I didn’t obey well –God–”, and it was her worst fear that her punishment will be in his heart and his love to her!

She walks as fast as she can in that dress, meanwhile one of the hotel workers congratulate her with a wide smile on his face, but her mouth refused to even smile while mumbling some words. Could it be that all of their love story was just an imagination? all their dreams of how their home will look like and all the places they wanted to travel to together? even the image of the restaurant on the top of the mountain in that tropical city, they should be heading to in just couple of hours from now, which was her mind-escape whenever she had a long night and couldn’t fall asleep? All she had to do was just start thinking of such island and then she would instantly fall asleep! Their arguments about their babies name, life styles, projects and long nights talks whether over the phone or at the beach, was that all from his heart or just his mind and mouth? His constant confirmation and swearing of his love, was he really in love with me or just he likes the feeling of myself next to him?

She finally reached the backside parking of the hotel, trying hard to hold up her tears so that it wouldn’t ruin the makeup on her face in such day, and hoping that all of that are just a crazy thoughts in her stressed mind.

She started to approach the car slowly and she noticed that there is no person setting at the drivers sear, then she looked around herself right and left searching for him stressfully .. she finally noticed him standing a few meters away from the car with his cigarette in his hand, looking at the empty space at the edge from the top of this hill that hosts what supposed to be the best day in her life, at this point she got completely paralyzed and she was not able to take a single step further towards him!

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Scene 3:

Looking at the empty space, he kept standing over this edge, looking at the darkness as long as his sight can get … and feeling the smoke of his cigarette feeding inside his lungs. His fingers are mingling between two rings inside his pocket, and his mind was wondering why they both feels very similar between his fingers! their touch, shape, size even the small inscriptions around them, the only difference is the way each one of them make him feel inside.

He throw his cigarette away with a firm look in his eyes — a look of a guy who exactly knows what he wants to do — and turned back again with a very slight determined smile on his face, a smile that even himself doesn’t know how it feels.

— THE END—

Ismail Issa
21–10–2015