Still not perfect. Still ruminate. Still think of people who don’t matter. Wish I could just stop. I wish I could be normal and not play the same old, tired songs in my head. I wish I could let go of needing to “resolve” everything and just leaving everything as is. None of this bullshit really matters. None of these people really matter anymore. It’s almost like when I dream, I forget about everything. The same things happen. The same people torment me, whether it’s not intentional (old friends) or is (old enemies).

I’m not there anymore. I am not helpless anymore. I am a fighter. I am a warrior. Despite my successes and failures. I HAVE succeeded. I have accomplished. I have changed for the better. It doesn’t matter what people say about me. It doesn’t matter what they think. I am a worthy person. I am a person who does his best. I am a person who puts in the effort. I am a person who is too good for toxic people and won’t tolerate them. I am a person who lives life on his own terms, not anyone else’s, save maybe my girlfriend’s to a point, but I choose that.

It doesn’t matter if they were old friends. It doesn’t matter if they are old enemies. I have to remember that not only do these people I used to know not exist anymore, but the person I was does not exist anymore. Those stories have been written. And there is not a god damn one of my haters who has something that I truly want. Not a god damn one of them who have done something special. Nothing to look up to. Just me doing my god damn thing.

To the grind. To the present. To doing work now to get to where you want to be in life. Fuck the past. Fuck all that BS. Not even thinking to the future. Thinking to doing what I gotta do right now to get to where I need to be. If I work hard, it will come.

-Jake

The only decent years I spent in Sugar Land to where I felt like I was a respected person was elementary school. Middle school, I was an outcast. High school, same thing. I don’t think I was the worst guy. I just think it was luck of the draw. For whatever reason, though, Sugar Land, TX just isn’t my place. Certainly not when it comes to those people.

The sad part is I really liked Danielle, and might have attended if the circumstances were different. This is how it will play out. I hug Danielle, have awkward small talk with everyone else, and when the awkward small talk runs out, I’ll likely notice people that didn’t like me throwing shade some almost 20 years later, and this time I might end up punching somebody I should have punched as a kid.

These fears could be completely be unfounded. I could go and see everyone and nothing could happen. The thing is, why? Other than Danielle, what does anyone there mean to me? And why would it be worth messing up that day for her? Why do I still seek anyone’s approval from back then? Why do I still have so much anger toward them? Do I see them as better than me (NO!)? Do they have these fabulous lives that I have to watch with envy (NO!!!!)? Do I see them as generally more capable or talented than I am (NO!!!!!!!)?

The answer is that this post won’t fix this. I’ve been struggling with this ever since High School. Maybe it’s just my cross to bear. I will tell you one thing, though… not going to this, or my High School reunion, or any of that, is a step in the right direction instead of the wrong direction. Also knowing that it’s not just me. Maybe other people haven’t let them effect this like I have, but it effects them too.

It’s effected me so much in the past, that I have fantasized about becoming a famous actor or writer, and making everyone regret the way they ever overlooked, treated, or stuck up their nose to me. The truth is there are two people that have went that route, and nobody cares. Two famous actresses in our class, and everyone else is worried about themselves.

I need to let go. Finally, after almost 20 years. Somehow, I just need to do it. I’ve made huge strides, I’ve cut out toxic people from that part of my life out forever, and I’ve finally found out the kind of person I want to be in this world. Letting go for me is to accept that it’s over. There is no payback. There is no redemption ark. There is no writing wrongs. There is just static. I made mistakes back then, and I will make plenty more, and plenty less because of those mistakes. If you like me, fantastic. If you don’t, keep it to yourself and stay the hell out of my way.

If I ever get successful or famous, these people can either love it or hate it. I’d rather not know about it. I want to do this for me and the people who matter in my life, and everyone else can kiss my ass. The end.

• Jake P

I can’t say that you cannot hide behind a political party and commit crimes, because that is exactly what has happened since 2016. Same with inciting a riot. Same with mishandling classified documents. The GOP has largely pardoned, mealy-mouthed around, and forgiven Trump for these things due to tribe mentality. He is their leader, and we have proven it really doesn’t matter what he does. The idea that he represents is so important to certain people that they are with him, literally no matter what. These are the kind of people normal folks are up against if they decide to start rioting.

Certain things too, like racism, are things that people will hold on to, no matter what, till the day they die. America had to pull these people kicking and screaming into a society that made a better effort after MLK forced their hand. The arrest of Donald Trump tells these sorts of people that criminals are criminals, and nobody is above the law, a message that they desperately need force-fed to them. It’s not about politics. It’s about a criminal being put in a position to be stopped, no matter what, and people who think that politics dictate what criminals are and are not to do being proven very wrong. Let them scream, let them protest, and let us throw those who take it too far, like on January 6th, in prison. The end.

• Closeness to the coolest things the city has to offer.
• Urban hiking on Buffalo Bayou.
• Star motherfuckin pizza.
• Being able to show Bailey a slice of urban life.
• Johnny Steele dog park.
• Downtown 2 miles away.
• More liberal area. Not as many Trumpers.
• Central location relative to other locations in Houston. Nothing is super far.
• People like to come see my place

Cons to living in The Heights

• Traffic congestion.
• Crime. In particular, catalytic converter theft.
• Vagrancy issues.
• Parking issues.
• More expensive than a suburban area.
• Busier traffic when I am walking the dogs.

Just wanted to write something today. Mission accomplished.

-Jake

There are other people who I want to think I am a monster. That I can tear them down in the worst, most hurtful, vicious way. That I can rip their head off and kick it down the street. That if they see me coming, they better give me a wide berth, because that monster just may come out otherwise.

The first group of people are steady friends and family who have been in my life. The people who deserve the best out of me. The people who have brought out the best in me. We may have had bad times, but the overruling headline is that this is a relationship built on mutual respect.

For some people, the nasty side to show that I won’t tolerate my kindness being mistaken for weakness is the only way I can tell them “You can’t disrespect me like that anymore. I don’t care if you fear me, hate me, think less of me, think I’ve changed for the worse, or don’t ever want to talk to me or see my face again, you will respect me or you will get what you get.”

I have a lot of baggage and trauma. I try not to post about it as much on Facebook, and I really wanted to write about something else today, but this came pouring out of me.

Ah well. Guess it’s better than writing nothing at all.

First post down. Let’s do another one tomorrow!

• Jake