Don’t confuse my view and think I’m am supportive of rape culture, misogyny, homophobia, racism or any other form of bigotry. Far from it. I believe they are all issues that need constant work and unfortunately always will do. Humans are not and never will be infallible and education on all of these issues will be required for as long as the human race inhabits planet earth but tearing down Masculinity by labelling it as Toxic often alongside blanket statements telling caucasian males that they are privileged and the cause of all the evil in the world is not the answer. In fact I think it is likely to do more harm than good. Men of all ages are struggling to know how to “be” in the world. Along with telling boys that they are identical to girls this trend if it continues will likely cause a multitude of problems including mental illness, lack of identity and even a violent push back from boys who feel a need to push back against something that feels innately wrong.

The way to resolve many of the issues blamed on ‘Toxic masculinity” is to re-instate the natural Warrior identity of men within an educated framework and in a way that does integrate the feminine aspects we all have (Yes I said it!) and teaches honour, respect and tolerance without tearing down the masculine. We are not the same as women. Just as in nature there are differences in the roles of male and female in every mammal I can think of. That doesn’t mean Women can’t choose to go to work or that Men can’t elect to stay at home and raise children or that either can’t do it successfully but we need to recognise and honour the differences between us.

An emasculated man is not going to feel like a man and is more likely to revolt against “the rules.” this is obvious in areas of extremely high unemployment and should be self evident but doesn’t suit the political objectives of the neo-marxists.

Raise everybody up, Man and Woman. Tearing people down serves nobody in the end.

“All men are warriors. And life for everything in our universe is nothing but war.” -David Zindell

As a small business owner it is very easy to get trapped working in your business rather than on it so I have been observing the actions of some of my peers who have businesses as diverse as: Martial Arts Academies, Martial Arts Clothing Manufacturing, Business Coaching, Travel Agents, Cafes and Restaurants, Gyms, Online businesses and many more.

The common threads that seem to run through the successful one are quite simple: time management, commitment to effective marketing, knowing their customers and maintaining and homing their skills to always deliver the best product or service to their customers.

One of the other things that a couple of the most successful people have emphasised in my conversations with them have been integrity and authenticity. Authenticity — the quality of being authentic. The Oxford Dictionary definition of Authentic as “Of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.” When this relates to an item it is easy to understand but in relation to our being what does this mean? To me it means saying what you think rather than what people want to hear and acting in a way that feels right at your core rather than just because there is a societal expectation to act in this way. Obviously for the rational person societal norms and authentic behaviour will often match up and im not suggersting that for an irrational mind authenticty should be an excuse for doing wrong.

In business being authentic could mean that you only deliver a service that you are qualified to deliver but it could also mean not servicing people that you don’t feel meet the requirements of your character barometer. One of my friend recently talked about a benefit of success and financial security being that you have “fuck off money.” In other words being in a position to refuse service to people that you don’t feel right about! This certainly hels maintain your integrity particularly to oneself. Refusing it when you don’t have the financial resources that another level of integrity and authenticity.

I’m lucky to have so many successful people around me. I have immense gratitude for this. I aim to be authentic although I catch myself sometimes and have to check myself. Fuck Off Money? Well I will build that back up.

I don’t care who calls me what. If I see thugs intimidating defenceless people I’m going to intervene and if I see or hear something that needs reporting I will report it. If you think there is something wrong with that then I’m sorry you’re not the sort of person I need in my life.

This whole attitude regarding reporting people is inbred and needs to change. I brought this up on a local social media community page recently and was told to shut up and that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Actually I’ve lived a little. I’ve mixed with people from all walks of life and I think I have a fair idea.

If you are a sheep and you are attacked by wolves you better hope there is a sheepdog or two around. Better still, wherever possible become a sheepdog. The Police are well trained Sheepdogs. Yes they are under resourced but they are Sheepdogs. If you do nothing, don’t call them or equip yourself to deal with it yourself you are accepting the role of the unguarded sheep. It shouldn’t be this way but it is and it always has been. Personally I would rather get hurt standing up for something than letting these thugs get away with intimidating people. There are people not getting caught when people in the community openly state they know who they are. Most Police departments have anonymous phone lines. in Australia its called Crimestoppers. 1800 333 000. As they say in the states “drop a dime on them.”

This was a long time ago. Nearly twenty years in fact and the BJJ landscape has obviously changed a hell of a lot over that period. BJJ went from being a very small martial art in this country to being possibly the largest and if not definitely the fastest growing and for good reason. As it turns out whilst there are some formidable athletes in BJJ one of the great attractions of it is that you don’t have to be athletic, big, strong or particularly gifted to train and to compete. In fact it is the reality that the execution of good technique doesn’t these attributes that enables smaller or weaker people to prevail particularly against non BJJ people.

I have never stuck at any other Martial Art or Sport for any great length of time but I will take a guess that it’s not just in BJJ that people are put on pedestals simply due to their success or their status within the sport.

One of the things that has concerned me lately and probably has been more noticeable due to social media has been the tendency of some people to create their own pedestal and step up on to it, making judgements about other practitioners in relation to the way they train, compete, don’t compete, grade are graded and a number of BJJ issues as well as other issues that have absolutely nothing to do with BJJ. Making this all the lore concerning is that the same people who have put themselves on the pedestal can’t claim to be without fault as basically none of us are but even worse in some instances are clearly bullies, dishonourable in their relationships or espouse values that they don’t even adhere to themselves. In some cases even Narcissists who are great at hiding in plain sight.

As Black Belts we are often put on a pedestal with little knowledge of who we really are off the mat. There are certainly people that I have trained under that I hold in extremely high regard and in some cases look on in awe at some aspects of their skill or personality. Over time and with the benefit of maturity it has become apparent that not everyone I have shared a mat with is deserving of blanket admiration.

The people that I look up to the most are the ones that are constantly building people up rather than pulling them down, endeavour to hold to their core beliefs but accept that not everybody shares their views and are constantly using others as steps to their own perceived aggrandisement.

One of the dangers of raising somebody onto a pedestal is that it gives them greater reach, far greater than one they build for themselves.

As a young man in my twenties I was married and had two children. I had no idea what I was doing and neither did their mother. I bought and renovated old homes. My father was a builder so that means I am too, right? I worked in several different industries both as an employee and as an entrepreneur and whilst I don’t think I was exceptional at anything I always progressed and did pretty well. I would tell myself that I could do anything and as the old saying goes — “if you think you can, you can and if you think you can’t, you can’t.” I could do absolutely anything. Well almost.

I was always pretty good at pulling the right people around me and making great friends most of whom are still friends to this day. Some of my friends have been around for nearly forty years. So I’m good at relationships? Well I’m good at relationships as long as you’re not married to me or in an intimate relationship with me. I’ve been married three times and have had a couple of other pretty serious co-habition type relationships as well.

Back to the start. Five years ago I started doubting myself and my ability to grow and run my business as well as blaming my wife for it not working. A slippery slope into a pretty dark time. Delivering my son in November 2013 on the day we also sold our CrossFit Box was my salvation for a while. Something about the very Zen experience of delivering my son when the wid-wife didn’t make it snapped be back to the I can do anything attitude for a while. In fact I functioned like a Black Belt, totally calm and just did what needed to be done.

Life rolled along for a while. We no longer had the CrossFit Box and I was still teaching Jiu-Jitsu and running a vocational training business that I started with somebody who it turned out was on a different path to me. I was making reasonable money but pretty soon my relationship with my wife started to slide away. No communication does that. It was on the downward slide and it never recovered. I made decisions without consulting her and little things she did and the way she was just seemed to have a totally inappropriately negative effect on me. Still I didn’t communicate.

A year and a half ago we decided to end the marriage. Very calmly and respectfully we had a conversation during which we both declared that we were no longer in love. We still love each other but that is not the same as being in love. We had let years go by without doing the work to keep our life fulfilling and satisfying for both of us. A couple of days later she moved out and within a couple of weeks the house was up for sale and I was only seeing my kids every second day.

After we seperated my desire to run my Martial Arts Academy slowly evaporated. It was probably apparent that I didn’t want to be there. Luckily for me my loyal students stayed until I closed the doors a year ago. I was struggling financially and the business wasn’t making enough to meet my commitments and cover it’s overheads. I closed the doors and took a break spending a lot of my time training and travelling including competing in the British Master Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Competition in Hereford, England. I spent alot of time thinking and fell into a huge trap. I often compared a number of facets of my life earlier in my life with the present:

Nice house v No house

Successful business v No business

Happily married v Separated

Content v Totally disatisfied

Cash to burn v Cash strapped

and then fell into some of the pitfalls of stress and depression

Binge drinking v moderate/minimal/no drinking

Binge eating v Paleo Diet

Late nights v adequate sleep

Poor hydration v good hydration

Way, way, way too much coffee v Too much coffee

Which then led to low feelings of self worth in relation to:

Self Control

Commitment

Fitness

Weight

etc etc etc

Its not difficult to see where this could be heading and if I’m totally honest I can see how people get to a point where they stick a rope around their neck and step off a chair. Its a strong downward spiral which pulls you in and its hard to break the shackles. Well meaning people telling you to look on the bright side or to appreciate the things that you do have are absolutely no help at all and in fact sometimes the opposite. I would suggest that if one of your friends or family is hsving a rough time you just listen and don’t offer advice unless it is asked for. Obviously if you are seriously worried about them get professional help.

As I mentioned earlier I am stubborn. I am in fact quite pig-headed and for me its been a quest for the right opportunity to get my teeth into and get my mojo back. I was never at the point of stepping off a chair and a little bit of a shift in perspective highlighted that nobody else was judging my worth. Nobody else cares what house I live in, what car I drive, what clothes I wear or how much money I’m making. Anything I have done before I can do again better, more efficiently and with the hindsight of more years of experience. My friends are still my friends and nobody was judging me on all these issues but ME.

The only things real friends will judge you on is your behaviour and how you treat people and real friends will call you on it. They will call you to account but do it with love.

Peace JJ x

Events of late have reinforced a belief I have held for a long time that somebody’s position, status or skill level give absolutely little indication of how that person is a person. Conor McGregor is without doubt a highly skilled fighter. He has a well rounded and sophisticated game whilst being quite unorthodox and confusing to his opponents. His behaviour on the other hand is far from sophisticated and whilst some may argue that even his latest antics were a clever ploy to sell fights his behaviour has been despicable.

If I were Dana White I would be cancelling his contract. I would also be dealing out a punishment to Khabib for his thuggery towards Conor’s team-mate. If the UFC doesn’t take a hard line rather than the soft option of letting the New York Athletic Commission deal with it then the Athletic Commission should revoke their license to operate in New York.

People worked really hard to get MMA into States and territories where it was banned and if it is to be considered a mainstream sport then the participants need to conform to societal norms or face the consequences.

I had always been a McGregor fan until I saw him throw that trolley through the bus window. Great fighter or not I can’t support anybody who behaves in this way.

I really hope we can keep this kind of behaviour out of BJJ and Submission Grappling.

The macho expression of manhood is often a suppression of expression of feelings for men. Society would have us believe that we should be strong, stoic and as my British forebears would say a “stiff upper lip.” Is it any wonder that in our society the suicide rate amongst mature men is at epidemic rates? In Australia the standard reply to that classic Aussie greeting of “How ya going Mate” is generally “Good thanks Mate” regardless of how the respondent is feeling. It is the expected reply and we are conditioned to repond in this manner. I am as guilty as the next man for responding in this way regardless of how I feel. In recent years I have more and more so felt a calling to a more tribal way of life that extends way beyond the Western family isolated in their box with two life partners and two and a half kids. Maybe this is one of the reasons that Jiu Jitsu has always appealed to me. It can be, with the correct nurturing and circumstances quite a tribal connection with one’s team.

Over the last few years on my trips back to the UK I have found myself on several occasions walking around the stones at Stonehenge. As a child in the late 60’s and early 70’s it was a lunch stop on drives from our home in Somerset to the homes of our grandparents in Surrey and Hampshire. Back in the days before aerosol cans and permanent markers you could pull up in the carpark and take your lunch and thermos of tea and sit amongst the stones. Nowadays it is very different but importantly the circle has been preserved. I feel drawn to Stonehenge partly because it reminds me of the excitement of visiting my grandparents who have all died over the last 30 years but also because I’m drawn to my own interpretation of the meaning of the stones. These big stones that seem so big as to have their own gravitational pull that when they all stood locked together supporting each other were equally magnificent. Magnificent as a circle and both magnificent and powerful as a unit supporting each other, not all serving the same purpose but stronger through supporting each other in their seperate roles.

Recently I was invited by my friend Dane Tomas to participate in a local Men’s Circle held in a format of non-judgemental support to facilitate the expression of whatever is going on for each member shared to whatever degree each person wishes. It is something that I find incredibly liberating from the perspective of getting stuff of my chest but also in knowing that all the other men in the group share elements of the the same issues and feelings. Men in general don’t create these opportuities for themselves very often. Maybe in part because suggesting that a Men’s Circle occur may be perceived as a sign of weakness. Believe me there is strength in expression and definitely a power in communication that a Men’s Circle provides an opportunity to develop. If this is something that calls to you I suggest either searching in your local area, creating one for your tribe or the local area and getting agreement on a format that will work for everybody. The group I circle with has an agreement of no advice, an agreement of confidentiality and various other agreements that guide the circle.

I look forward to my next visit to Stonehenge which will probably not be for at least a year. Maybe next time I will visit some of the other circle sites around the British Isles. In the meantime when I can get there I will attend our little Circle of Men where I live and support my brothers, supporting me.