I like owning my own business. Some entrepreneurs say they could never work for someone else. However, it is never just for you; you always work for someone. For a client, for an attendee, for a diner or guest, you are working for someone. Some events I produce are 100% my own, others are partnerships, and on some things, we are contracted to do a specific role. This is interesting because we, in essence, become someone’s employee for an amount of time. We have to answer to the client in every way. I manage people in what I do, and I also get managed. I get to carefully see, and feel, what works and what doesn’t work. What makes the team cohesive, what makes a leader effective? What helps get things done? What breaks things down? Here is a short list of my findings.

Initiative

It probably took a lot of emails, phone calls, presentations and meetings for you to get hired on to a job or a team. Great, you are 1% of the way there. You haven’t done a thing yet, except sell yourself, which is awesome, but there’s work to be done. We all have these visions of an excellent training program and organized team meetings. I have worked for big companies on giant festivals and guess what? There is none of this, you are either going to sink or swim. You were hired because you are skilled at something. Quit complaining, and dive the F in and figure it out. For one big project, I didn’t know how to use their software system. Everyone was too busy to show me. I found their local volunteer coordinator and asked her to walk me through things. I found a former employee of their company and asked her who key contacts were inside the company and made a list. I took a budget from a totally different event, and mostly guessed, but pieced together their budget. You need to have a Marine’s mentality and be ready to adapt and overcome. I can’t stand when I offer someone an opportunity and they let it fall through the cracks. “Here are 20 sponsors, get me the contacts and I’ll give you 20% commission” and then not one thing is done for a month! Guess what? No more opportunity. I am taking the work back. Somehow it’s always a shock, like “how dare you.” I have also found that these are the people who complain about money the most. Guess what, you are entitled to ZERO, you either accept the opportunity and own it or goodbye opportunity.

• *At events, I watch how work gets done. It’s generally the same person moving ladders around and it’s always the same folks at the bottom of the ladder cracking jokes and attempting to make themselves look useful. Work hard to be the one on top of the ladder. Managers notice this and if you’re expendable, well, you’re expendable. Focus on making yourself essential to the effort. It is gratifying to be the one leading the charge, don’t be a wallflower. Get the heck on to the field and play at 100%!

Keep the dust down, but don’t make mud

When THE job is done (not just your job), I’m all for celebrating. A great way to really ruin all of your hard work is getting fucked up on site. It’s worth repeating, great team members solve problems, they don’t create them. Being the sloppy drunk person during the event is a terrible call. I can’t tell you how many times we have picked up passed out workers, had to escort team members off-site, had to deal with issues related to drunkenness or drugs, etc. It’s like grabbing defeat out of the jaws of victory. People who overuse drugs and alcohol are really tough to have on a team. They tend to disappear, they tend to be tough to get in touch with, they tend to be moody, they tend to be hard to deal with when problems occur. I’m not about telling anyone how to live their life, but hard-partying people, alcoholics, people who use drugs with frequency they can be solid at what they do, but they tend to be difficult team members.

Reliability.

Be reliable. If a team can’t count on you to show up and work your ass off, then you should do something else. If you don’t pick something up, someone else has to. If you no-show, the entire team has to scramble to cover for you. It’s selfish and disrespectful. During one of my events, my father was taken off of life support. I went to an outside gate and bawled my eyes out. I finished out the event and then caught a plane home. The thought of leaving people hanging was never an option.

Do not raise your voice.

It does nothing to further a team or to solve an issue. Be direct, be clear, but your screaming is just you making yourself feel better. I have had the shit scared out of me way worse by individuals who kept a quiet and measured tone than I have by someone who yells profanity.

There is one way, and that is the right way.

Do not cut corners; you will get found out. You almost always know when it’s the right thing to do because it’s uncomfortable as hell. At one festival, they extended a bar, and it partially covered a mural. The artist was sitting there just staring at his work covered up. To me, it was an acceptable loss, the gates opened in 45 minutes. His team said “hell no!” We all moved two full 24-foot walls that took us days to put up, in 30 minutes! How we did that I still don’t know. Total insanity, right? It was the RIGHT call. People were actually in tears because of the effort.

Listen Listen Listen.

The urge is there to talk, to butt in, to be heard, but just shut up and listen. Your voice will be that much more powerful when you speak. The power of listening to someone and asking questions is unlike anything else. Allow for the silence, allow for space. This is something that is often overlooked. The leaders I have worked with, that I admire the most, are the ones that listen to everything and ask for input. It also makes their lives easier, because they empower the hell out of the people behind them.

• Don’t interrupt. Someone else may do this don’t do the same. It breaks down all communication. Do this enough, and you will annoy the heck out of people.

Don’t Shit Talk

My dad always told me “the troops always grumble, you should be more concerned when they don’t!” However, shit talking and gossip serve zero purposes on a team. It makes for a crappy work environment. It erodes trust. If I hear someone talking shit on someone, I know full well that when I am not around, they are critical of me. I’d just rather not be on that team, or, if I am in charge, I won’t have them on my team. Leaders need to squash this element because it takes over like cancer. If it’s allowed, it will spread. Great teams do not tolerate shit talking. You have something to say? Say it to their face and give them the opportunity to improve.

Don’t name drop and experience drop.

This is a mixed bag. It can be useful in some situations, but it is usually extremely annoying. I can’t tell you how many times people throw “I have been doing this for X number of years,” or” I know everyone everywhere.” I have found that no one seems to care about this except the person talking. I have seen brand new people who are brilliant at their work and experienced people who suck. Over time, as you get to know people they will find out all about you and learn about all of your experience. The best leaders I have worked with seem much more interested in the experience and efforts of the people around them than about themselves. They also seem very humble.

I’m Offended!

An overlooked component to great teams is camaraderie. Intimacy is “I know, that you know, that I know.” The best teams understand each other. Sometimes it seems like telepathy. Great teams know each other’s quirks and shortcomings and play to each other’s strengths, while others compensate for weaknesses. Everyone complements each other’s skill set. If I am excellent at selling, chances are I am not as strong with logistics. The best teams are made up of great leaders and great followers, at various times you have to be capable of both! Former NFL coach, Vince Lombardi said about his assistant coaches, “I need to know that my coordinators are making decisions that I would make if I were there.” Something that can really mess with the team dynamic and perhaps the least mindful thing a team member can do is be “outraged” or “offended.”

Outrage and taking offense are knee jerk reactions that are usually based on your emotional makeup at that moment. Have you ever been in a great mood and someone cuts you off while driving? You barely have a reaction to it. Other times, when you are feeling resentment or are tired, you succumb to road rage.

“I would never do or say that!” Sure you would and you have! Outrage with a fellow team member accomplishes nothing. Remember, as a leader, manager, team member, you are there to solve problems, not to create them. Storming off is creating a problem. All of a sudden the entire team’s focus is on smoothing over hurt feelings. It is ridiculously disruptive.

If you have a problem with someone’s tone or someone’s words, you handle it like a professional. You take them aside and you have an adult conversation. This is a very brave thing to do, and it is also in line with the mission of a team. Imagine being with your best friends and getting outraged in front of everyone because of someone’s tone or words. It would be ridiculous. This is my point…don’t be ridiculous.

Don’t fish for credit

We all want to be appreciated and given credit. We also all want a great nickname, like “Maverick” or “Ice Man” but you can’t assign it to yourself. You can, but it backfires. I’m with you; I want all the glory just like anyone else. The best leaders act as if they did nothing. They let EVERYONE know how great worthy team members are. What is an even stranger behavior is the back door technique for taking credit, where you start by offering up praise for someone else but somehow have to make sure you are included; it’s not so slick. If you want to show off, show off about someone else and leave it at that.

• *I DO love when someone owns it. “I have to say, I worked my ass off and absolutely kicked MF ass today!” as they high-five me. That gets me fired up; I love that! I am 100% ok with this!

Don’t minimize people

If you delegated responsibility to someone, let them own the job. If I am in charge of a bar at an event, or a video-shoot for a magazine project and someone asks about it, it feels very strange when someone interrupts and summarizes how everything is going in that area when they haven't even been there. Allow for others to take ownership. Allow them to report on progress, problems and solutions, allow them to answer questions. You want your staff to feel empowered and respected. I can’t think of a prouder moment than when your team figures out solid solutions on their own. Allow for this.

Create an opportunity for anyone you can.

If you know someone or something that can help others get ahead, then do it! The urge is there to somehow profit off of your contacts. Leave that notion at home. There is a real energy to this. It comes around in its own way. Maybe not by the person you “hooked up” but do it enough and it comes around. Developing a reputation as a “rainmaker” is an excellent thing. It’s magnetic. Some people will only take from you, and you may deal with this. You’re a leader for a reason; you can change directions as you see fit. Spotting this is easy.

Remember people’s names.

There is nothing better than someone you don’t know very well knowing your name. Get good at this. If you don’t remember someone’s name, put extra effort into letting them know you want to know them. I have liked people who have done this with me. Especially on big job sites.

***Take the time to say good morning, to ask people about their lives, to smile, to share a laugh. This always means a lot to me.

It ain’t all about the cash

Never think that money is the only reason people are doing what they do. I have done plenty of projects because I longed to be a part of a strong team, to learn, to refine my skills, to accomplish something. The money has meant very little to me. The self-respect of work is very powerful. I have had volunteers who have worked full days and then thanked me at the end for allowing them to be a part of it! People want to belong to something; they want to work hard and be accepted and taken in as a member of a tribe. Always remember this. As a leader, you want to foster this culture.

If the client is unhappy, it is your job to make it right.

You’ve all heard that a problem is an opportunity. Well, it is. How are you going to perform? If the client is unhappy, it is YOUR job to make things right. Great leaders go to any length to make things right. Again, as a leader, you’re no dummy. You know when someone is manipulating you or the situation. There is always something that can be done, and yes, it will usually cost time and money. No one forced you to go into business. I have lost plenty of money making things right, but I can look the client in the eyes and know I did my best. If there is any amount of confusion, guess what, that is on you! Did you spell it out in a contract? Did you define it in an email or conversation? Any miscommunication, confusion or signal cross is on you…period. It’s like hitting on 16 at blackjack if the dealer is showing a face card. Don’t get emotional, just accept that it has to be done. I imagine it isn’t the first time a similar thing has occurred for you? Fix it from your end. Deal with the fact that your communication needs improvement. Sorry, but true.

Complete the mission.

Ideas are nothing. I have ten crazy ideas a week. Can it be implemented for the betterment of the company? The effects on a teams psyche of having to switch gears without completing the task you set out to do are tough on morale. Measure twice and cut once. Think through it all and take the “pivot” very seriously. You always have to be able to answer “Why” effectively.

“Why”

My favorite managers, I have worked with, always go over the “why” of it all. They don’t just say, “do it!” They explain why and ask for input. “We are going to take the tents from this side and move them to the other side because we think the afternoon sun will be very uncomfortable for anyone facing this direction, do you agree?” “Makes sense…let’s do it!” As opposed to…”I NEED for those tents to be moved over there.”

Including staff on the budget/expenses

This is a potent tool. Letting your team know what the costs are and where the budget is, is solid leadership. Watch your staffs’ ’faces when you talk finances with them, they will be all ears. Money is a serious matter, when dollars are assigned to things it becomes very real. “I had $11,000 towards miscellaneous and we are over that by $1200, where can we make a cut” or “We did great! We had a marketing budget of $10,000 and we sold out with $3000 to spare, that is an outstanding job!”

Be Genuine

When you ask for something, that means someone has to switch gears to help you. Shake their hand, touch their shoulder (not in a creepy way) and look them in the eye and let them know that you appreciate it. I watch plenty of people who ask for things, and they think it just occurs magically. It doesn’t. For a designer, just turning on their computer takes a few minutes let alone finding files, making changes, re-saving it and sending it for feedback. It all takes effort and time, and that needs to be genuinely appreciated. Think about how you feel when someone dumps work on you and you are already busy with five other things.

Accountability

There are always the exceptions, but 95% of the time — Everything that occurs is your fault. You are responsible for everything that happens. It isn’t anyone else. I can’t stand when individuals blame everyone else. Nothing just happens randomly. Shit goes South, and you have to be prepared for that. Develop back up plans on everything. That is what a great leader does. You have to anticipate every outcome, not just the one you want. With options, you tend to get lucky. Develop a big Rolodex of vendors and suppliers. No news is bad news. If you don’t hear from someone when they are supposed to have been there, you have to be adaptable enough to pivot. Sorry, but they are accountable for their own F ups, they fired themselves. You are responsible to your team, period!

• also, get out of the habit of making excuses. It’s on you and no one else. It’s a bad look. Also, don’t throw others under the bus. At one event, our bars fell down in a big way. Everyone was pointing fingers at 1 am. I didn’t have time to argue, we had 10 hrs to get things figured out before the doors reopened. “How much will it cost to get 50 bartenders? $15,000? FML, go do it!” Quit with excuses and finger-pointing, just own it and solve it. (BTW, it was my fault. I’m the one that hired the concession company to do the job)

Collaboration

David Chase, who wrote the Sopranos, talked about how sometimes his actors would complain about the script and say, “I don’t think my character would say that.” He would respond. “Who the F told you it was YOUR character!” Vince Lombardi would tell his assistant coaches, “it isn't your offense it is the Packers offense!” We all want to feel crucial to the team. Hoarding work is not the way to do it. I have seen more COO’s and Executive Producers fired because of this than anything else. It is not your work, it is the companies’ work. They are paying for it (Even if you own the company). I always hear, “my bars,” “my kitchen,” “my tenting,” “my sitemap,” etc. I would watch your language here. “Ours” is what you should be saying. If you are building a site map for an event, that isn’t done in a locked room, late at night. You will impress no one with this. Imagine an architect not bringing in his engineering team, interior designers, or the actual client? That’s just silly. You will not magically figure it all out, present to everyone at the end and bowl everyone over with how you thought through every little detail. You need to involve the whole team on things like this. The left hand and the right hand need to understand what is going on. At a magazine, it’s a constant struggle over what’s more important, content or advertising. That’s like saying, “the nervous system is more important than the pulmonary system.” It’s one body, you need both. If you want to see a mutiny, try not including the whole team on a sitemap at an event (All the stuff I wrote about “shit talking” is out the window). I don’t know why, but some people can’t stand the thought of anyone else getting credit, or of people making changes to their hard work, or they can’t handle critical feedback, it’s all very threatening to them. However, if you can’t collaborate effectively, you can’t work on a team.

Appreciation

My company has a lot of projects going on all at once, I tend to complete one thing and immediately move on to the next. I am absolutely guilty of not showing enough appreciation and it has insulted team members over the years. It doesn’t matter that I feel appreciative. There are many who need that affirmation, some need it constantly. You can’t sit back and say, “getting a check you can cash is appreciation enough.” Over time, not showing appreciation properly will affect team morale adversely. It needs to be shown in a genuine and gracious way both privately and publicly on social media. I have personally been criticized for this. For me, I’m not an affirmations guy, I get the satisfaction of completing the job. For others, this is a necessity and not showing it will trigger resentment. I am working towards cultivating this. I would highly suggest every team leader do the same.

How you do anything is how you do everything

I am always watching how people complete their tasks. Do they leave a mess? Do they return tools to the owner? Do they keep organized? Are they thorough? Do they follow through? It’s not good enough to say “I texted them, they didn’t call back” I can send the same text. Be thorough, problem solve, get answers, and report findings. I can’t stand it when someone isn’t diligent, and days later I have to do the work myself. (See “Reliable” above) I also can’t stand sloppy work. If you’re hanging a banner; snip the end of the zip tie, pick the snipped end up off the ground, straighten out the banner, step back take a look and make sure it all looks straight. Be passionate, detail oriented, and play at 100%. I always appreciate this. If you have ever worked in a kitchen for a solid chef, I probably don’t have to tell you too much about this!

Conscientiousness

I have thought long and hard about how to sum up what it takes to be a successful member of a unit, let alone to develop an actual team that is consistently successful. At first, I thought, “you need to have a talented individual” My friend is the coach of a professional lacrosse team, and he had one of the best players in the world on his roster. He had to fire the guy. It was either him, or the rest of the team was going to quit. I have found that talent is not at all an indicator of someone being a successful team member. Perhaps it is discipline, will, reliability? As Charlie Munger (Warren Buffet’s partner) would say “you must “faithfully” follow through with plans and do exactly what you said you’re going to do. He added that unreliable people are not trusted and eventually become excluded from friendship and social activities. Reliability is a big part of being on a team. But it doesn’t bring it all together. Is it integrity, honesty? I love these qualities, and they are necessary ingredients, but they are not the emulsifier that gels a team together. The final component we need to create an environment where all these other traits can thrive is, in a word, conscientiousness.

Conscientiousness is the personality trait of being careful, or diligent. Conscientiousness implies a desire to do a task well, and to take obligations to others seriously. Conscientious people tend to be efficient and organized as opposed to easy-going and disorderly.

Conscientiousness is thinking before you open your mouth, it’s playing the tape through til the end so-to-speak. It includes the act of being considerate. It is being mindful of the team above all selfish needs. It is being meticulous and detail oriented not to satisfy your ego, but rather because your actions are a reflection on the team. It’s being a true professional and knowing that no matter what, no matter your mood, no matter what is going on personally, you are on the clock, your team is depending on you and they are more important than whatever passing emotion you are experiencing. No one wants to work day in and day out with an amateur, don’t be an amateur.

In Summary

“Do as I say and not as I do,” gets old quickly. Lead by example. Be organized, be disciplined, don’t bully people, respect people’s time, don’t BS and lie, don’t gossip and complain. Don’t tell people to do stuff while you play on FB and text. Have integrity, be conscientious, show the F up in every way. None of the work is beneath you. It all has to get done, and it’s your job to make sure it does in the happiest and most fun way possible. Complete the mission, kick ass, and go celebrate!

I’d love to hear your comments, your success stories, qualities I failed to recognize in this piece, your failures or just your general thoughts…thanks for reading!

Let go of your Banana.

In India there are a lot of monkeys. When the locals want to catch one, they anchor a bottle to the ground. The neck of the bottle is just large enough for a monkey’s hand to fit through. Then, they put a small banana in the bottle, sit back and wait.

The Monkey Trap.
Before long a monkey comes by, sees the banana, reaches his hand into the bottle, and grabs it. But then, the monkey discovers that he can’t get his hand out of the bottle while holding onto the banana. There is loud chattering and squealing as the person who set the trap walks up to the monkey and places a burlap sack over him. In the darkness the monkey releases the banana and is captured.

The monkey could, of course, let go of the banana and run before getting caught. Some do. But most of the monkeys hang on to the banana until the sack goes over their head. Why? Because the banana has value to the monkey and the monkey is unwilling to let go of that value. So unwilling that he gives up his life for it. People do the same thing.

The People Trap.

People get trapped by their thoughts in the same way monkeys get trapped by bananas.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote: “I get through many a bad night with the thought of suicide.” Suicidal thoughts had value for him; comforting him when he felt down and depressed, easing the pain of his sadness. Unfortunately, these thoughts that seemed to help, also trapped him in the depression, like the monkey was trapped by the banana. He, and the monkey, could have let go and gained their personal freedom.

The religious person has thoughts of “heaven” to get through troubled times. The business man has thoughts of “making more money” to keep him going. The gambler has thoughts of “hitting the jackpot” to comfort him; the drug addict thinks about the “next fix;” the alcoholic, the “next bottle,” etc, etc. We are all, to some extent, trapped by our own thoughts.

Thoughts color all our decisions. A suicidal person seldom makes good life choices because they dislike themselves and feel they have no future. The religious person may endure much abuse and discrimination because they feel resolved in the future, and the business man may actually cheat, lie and hurt others in his pursuit of money because he is trapped by intense thoughts of wealth. etc, etc.

You are not your thoughts!

Thoughts arise from beliefs. If we believe life to be bad, we will expect bad things to happen. Beliefs are like filters, allowing what we expect to experience, and diminishing, or eliminating, things we don’t expect to experience. That is why understanding ourselves is so important. We are not our thoughts. We are in control of our thoughts and our destiny at all times whether we know it or not. We create our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs.

Diogenes refused to bow before Alexander. As solders moved to kill Diogenes, Alexander stopped them and asked: “I am Alexander the Great, I have conquered the world, why do you not bow to me?” Diogenes replied: “because I am Diogenes the Cynic, and I have conquered myself.” After a moment’s thought Alexander stated: “were I not Alexander, be I Diogenes, go in peace.” Being in control of your thoughts is very powerful, it means freedom and peace of mind. If you can’t be Alexander, be Diogenes.

Changing your world.

To change your world, change yourself, the world will follow you. It has no meaning until you give it meaning. What you believe about the world is reflected back to you as reality. You can change it any time you wish. Is the world bad because you see no good in it? Yes! Is the world good because you see no bad in it? Yes, again! What you see is what you get!

Now, it is possible to see beyond good and bad; happy and sad; real and fad. There you will find peace of mind. There you will find the self knowledge you seek. There you will find freedom. But you have to let go of your banana to get there.

Letting go of your banana.

Kahlil Gibran wrote: “Forgetfulness is a form of freedom.” How many times have you heard the old adage “Forgive and Forget.” The path to freedom flows through forgiveness to a nonjudgemental attitude to unconditional love. All will walk that path sooner or later.

Forgiveness releases the hate, depression, and angst from your life forever. If you would say right now: “I forgive you world for all the hurts I feel, and I forgive myself for feeling them,” three times with meaning, you would notice you felt better for doing it. Forgiveness is the key to personal freedom. It unlocks the hurt and releases the pain.

If you can forgive, then you can be free. Forgiveness clears the past and the mind. You will then be able to make better choices by letting go of your banana.

“Taken from the website, thoughtfulliving.com”

Let Go Of The Bananas! was originally published in THE OODA on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

MUST KNOW EVERYDAY “SELF” DEFENSE

We all have a glorified notion of “self-defense”, from “Karate Kid” to Charles Bronson, Bruce Lee to Clint Eastwood. A pack of thugs comes into the drug store, the local tough guy accosts the pretty girl at the bar, the high school bully picks on the new kid at school. Hollywood would have us believe that we can see the situation from 10,000 feet above, that we can train to protect ourselves or others through physical exercise and martial arts techniques.

In reality, protecting yourself comes down to a lot more than MMA techniques. We think it’s rare or infrequent that we find ourselves in actual self-defense situations, yet for me, I find myself or see others in need of “self” defense on a daily basis. It doesn’t come in the form of an oversized meathead in an Affliction t-shirt. It comes in much less intimidating forms, yet they are every bit as dangerous.

Getting into the car with a drunk friend driving. Surrounding yourself with negative people who need company. Staying in abusive relationships. Listening to my egoic mind and the BS it spews at me. Staying positive, eating nutritious foods, not overspending. Personally I am in the fight for my life on a moment-to-moment basis!

The other day I heard the story of a guy who recently got engaged. His bride-to-be sounds more lethal then a Cobra! She said “yes” to his proposal but won’t accept the ring because the diamond isnt big enough (it’s a family heirloom from his grandmother!) and she refuses to sign a prenuptial (his family is very wealthy. She is fine with him having his inheritance but she has every right to his families’ business according to her. They have been together for 6 months). I mean if we were watching this in a movie theatre, you would be covering your eyes and shaking your head wanting the poor guy to run away right?

Or my friend who is engaged to a great girl and got a call from an ex-fling who wanted to meet him for coffee to “catch up”. Then it was, “why don’t we grab a drink at my hotel”. Next, “I ordered room service, come up and lets watch a movie”. Maybe it’s not so easy to see when you are right there in it, but the affects of that situation would probably do way more damage then getting kicked in the head!

I had a friend last year who went to a concert at Red Rocks and gave his “friend” a ride home from the concert. When they got routinely pulled over leaving the ampitheatre the “friend” stashed his bag of drugs in the back seat pocket. A year later the guy I know was still dealing with the legal fall out from that. Some “friend” he had, huh?

“Self” defense isn’t only about being able to win a one-on-one fight in the parking lot. “Self” defense is about keeping yourself healthy in your body and mind. What is it you imagine yourself to be? Do you have a personal set of principles that guide you? If you have that, if you create that for yourself, then defending your “self” becomes like following the rules of a game. Each decision is either acceptable to “your” game, or it’s a foul.

I was watching that show “cheaters” the other night. The guy who got busted cheating on his wife gave an entertaining, albeit disgusting exit interview “I cheat. It’s what I do. I meet chicks and I bang them.” As if he had no control what-so-ever of his actions, and the carnage he left wherever he wandered. The crazy thing was the woman left him, but they fast forwarded one year later and she was back with him. Crazy right?

You don’t just have or not have “honor.” It isn’t something we are born with. We gain it and lose it with each and every one of our actions and how it fits into our own personal code of ethics.

The wonderful thing is this, your “persona” is the “you” you choose to show to the world. Your actions create what and who you are, it isn’t something preordained, you have the ability to control it. If you want to be considered an artist, do art every day. If you want to be a musician, study music everyday. You want to be a Black Belt at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, its simple, all you have to do is do BJJ everyday.

Define your ideal “self” and then do the things that support that definition. Self-Defense is protecting your “self” against people or situations that don’t support your principles or higher values, they have to be contained or avoided. These seemingly innocuous people or situations are the things that will bring us down faster and harder then the the typical fight situations we imagine in our minds.

The Fight For Your Life was originally published in THE OODA on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I show him breathing techniques and he makes me think, fair trade.

After we had been chatting for a bit, he looked at me and said “Jeff, tell me who you are.” I thought and then said “Well, I’m Jeff Suskin! I am 5'8, 171 lbs, my hair is brown, my eyes are hazel. I am 44 years young. I am the publisher of DiningOut Magazine. My interests include Yoga, Jiu Jitsu, Skiing. I have a dog. I live at such and such address, my parents are Danny and Leslie, my sisters are Jennifer and Cindy..etc etc.”

He looked at me and nodded and said, “good thorough answer.”

Then he asked me, “Have you ever seen the movie “Castaway” with Tom Hanks” I had, I never thought too much about it, but yes I had seen it.

He said “Now imagine that you find yourself on a deserted island. You will never want for food and water, because it is plentiful. The weather is very temperate, and you will also find yourself in good health for the rest of your days (dont read into this scenario too much), however, you are never getting rescued, you are never getting off of that island and you are never going to see anyone human again. Do you understand this? Do you have any questions about this world I have created for you?” To which I didnt.

“Now tell me who YOU are?”

I was no longer a son, brother or uncle, a lover of anyone, an athlete, a Jiu Jitsu Black Belt, a publisher. I was no longer 5'8, I was no longer 44. I was no longer a certain weight. My eyes werent even a certain color any longer, I couldnt see them. My likes and dislikes were no longer a concern. My skin color didnt matter, I wasnt even a Man or a Woman anymore as there was nothing to make that comparison with. I was no longer strong or weak. Courageous or cowardly. Rich or poor. In essence I was no longer Jeff Suskin. What an uncomfortable feeling!

The question David asked me has a great answer that I found in a book called “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A Singer

“As you go deeper into yourself, you will naturally come to realize that there is an aspect of your being that is always there and never changes. This is your sense of awareness, your consciousness. It is the awareness that is aware of your thoughts, experiences the ebb and flow of your emotions, and receives your physical senses. This is the root of Self. You are not your thoughts; you are aware of your thoughts. You are not your emotions; you feel your emotions. You are not your body; you look at it in the mirror and experience this world through its eyes and ears. You are the conscious being who is aware that you are aware of all of these inner and outer things.”

We create a world of what we think we are. That is our world. And we panic and do everything we can to hold this world together. We cling to permanence and are rocked to the core when the foundation of it all crumbles. People and pets die and relationships end, and in the end YOU leaves your body, and all of the masks we spend our lives creating, when we pass.

The human experience is about distinction. Think about your life, you are always discerning between good and bad, pleasure and pain, big and little, fat and thin, short and tall, black and white. That is what our psyche somehow needs to do. However our consciousness can bring us toward the spiritual experience which leaves distinction behind. Things just “are.” And this is where the practice of mindfulness and meditation comes in.

The answer to David Sander’s question is simply “YOU are the awareness” I have also heard it said before that “Soul = Awareness”

Meditate on that…

Who are you? was originally published in THE OODA on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

~ Woody Allen

I think we all know what “I love you” should connote.

A thought I have had is perhaps “Like” is underrated?

Intimate love is perhaps the most conditional of all relationships you will enter into in your life. Unconditional love? It exists in only a few places I can think of, such as a parent for their child. You serial kill 6 people with an ax, Mom will probably still come visit her baby boy in prison.

In feudal Japan, when the West first met the East, it was quickly noted that the Japanese didn’t have a word the equivalent for what the Europeans described as “love.” They had words that described duty, honor, respect, however there was nothing that could match the the sheer expanse of the word LOVE.

We all know what we want “Love” to mean. We want it to be shorthand for I really really really really really really “like” you!

I spoke with a happy couple last month and the husband said “I love my wife, of course, but you know what, I really like her too”

“Like” is a word that has been passed by, robbed of its power. “Like” is wonderful, “like” is giddy and playful. “Like” is filled with potential and growth. “Like” is wondrous and enjoyable. The love we long for is really “like” to the 9th degree.

“Virtuous Love” that the Greek sophists spoke of is really more in line with the feeling we experience in “Like.” “Like” is accepting, “like” is seeing the good in things. “Like” is gentle and compromising. “Like” isn’t fleeting. “Like” is the beginning of a conversation and welcoming differing opinions and beliefs. “Like” is without unreasonable desire. “Like” does not long for reciprocation. “Like” is pretty darn pure.

When someone says “I like this color paint for the wall” they are beginning a dialogue, they have created a safe environment for input and healthy debate. They are being inclusive. What does “like say?” “I am not too concerned about the outcome, i am present and engaged and going with the flow.”

Lets change that around. I LOVE this color paint for THAT wall! What does that say? “Anything you respond with that isn’t in agreement with me is putting me down. I don’t care what your opinion is, if it differs from my taste you are just wrong! “

I was telling someone about my father and I said, “Y’know what? Of course I love my dad…but I have to say I really like being around him he is a cool dude!”

“Like” is timeless. “Like” is something that can constantly grow.

If disinterest is the opposite of Love then “Dis-like” is the opposite of “Like.” “Dislike” is very rational. “Dislike” isn’t entirely emotional it is contemplated and it lacks any real intensity. “Dislike” is a preference and it is not too firm but based on experience. “Dislike” is intelligent. “Like” is equally all of these things but in the opposite direction.

“Like” has been overshadowed for so long, but “like” is something that connotes a smile and hug.

“Like,” is a universal emotion that knows no bounds, that is complete without a reciprocal response of “I like you too.” Perhaps “Like” is the simple, accepting, ever lasting notion we all aspire to, and it has been sitting their waiting to be unearthed for eons? “Like” knows no dogma, “like” is not fundamentalist, “like” has no requirements. You rarely find yourself trying to impress someone with how much you “like” them. “Like” is a personal notion that you have just because well…you like it.

Can you feel the like?

I love like.

Meditate on that

I Love “Like” was originally published in THE OODA on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It has happened to me:
On the same day I learned my fiance had run off with her personal trainer, I also learned I was being called on the personal guarantee from a project I’d been involved with. I was in shock at the romantic betrayal, and even more shocked at being called out as a minority partner with the personal guarantee. (What I’d come to learn is that with a personal guarantee your equity isn’t what counts. If everyone else is insolvent, it’s you that investors come after). As the saying goes, “Bad things come in 3's…” So, to top it off, my now ex-fiancee had taken the dog I’d become very attached to. Not a great day.

I remember sitting on my patio, on a gorgeous fall afternoon and whatever I focused on, my eyes just kept crossing. In a word, I was “lost.”

Fortunately, I have great friends and family. I was embarrassed to call my dad, but told him what was happening and asked what to do next. His response was simple: “Don’t do anything, I will be there soon.” He was in New York and I was in Denver; he was by my side within 12 hours. Once Dad arrived, he went straight to work… like a General delivering marching orders. As we drove from the airport he was already outlining the plan, “Jeff this isn’t like the handle came off the cup and we can simply glue it back on. This is shattered glass. There is ZERO fixing this. We have work to do, which consists of getting her out of your house, and out of your life.” We picked up a picture of Clint Eastwood and put it next to my bed. Dad said “Jeff, I need for you to be thinking ‘What would Clint do? What would Steve McQueen do? What would Vince Vaughn do?’ Now is not the time to act like Woody Allen or David Schwimmer, capiche? Anytime you get a text message, a phone call, or an email, know that on average what you send will be shown to ten people. Just ask yourself: ‘Would Clint send that?’”

Starting right then, I began to make my days and myself busy. Maniacally busy. A friend bought me an audio program on “Getting the Edge.” What could it hurt? At that point, I truly was willing to try anything. One exercise was to write down all of your goals, for each area of your life. Everything you wanted to achieve, or at least try: “Health and Fitness, Socially, Relationships, Financially, Spritiually.” I wrote voraciously on each topic; pages and pages of goals, hopes, and ideas. However, when I got to the topic of spirituality, I simply sat there and stared. Then blinked. And then stared some more. I’m not a religious person, and likely never will be. However, the life coach was stressing how this component was perhaps the most important aspect of existence. I sat there for a while and felt a ton of resistance. Was this some religious sermon, trying to convert me when I was at my most vulnerable? I was smarter than that!

I did what anyone would do in this confused situation: I went to Wikipedia:

“The term spirit comes from the Latin word spiritus “soul, courage, vigor, breath”, and is related to spirare, “to breathe”.
This lead me to:
“Spiritual-but-not-religious:
After the Second World War spirituality and religion became disconnected. A new discourse developed, in which (humanistic) psychology, mystical and esoteric traditions and eastern religions are being blended, to reach the true self by self-disclosure, free expression and meditation.”

Wait… this was different than I’d thought. As I delved deeper, I began to realize Spirituality is nothing more than the development of your Spirit. Every coach I’d had stated the virtue of strengthening my spirit, and this seemed in line with all my martial arts training. Spirituality, I came to find, did not equal religion. It was my personal journey towards self-understanding. And through the pain of a bad week, I’d “woken up” and discovered a new path.
This was almost five years ago.
——————————————————————-

Unfortunately, it seems many of our greatest lessons in life come through pain and failure. My greatest periods of growth have come upon the heels of hardship; injuries, death, breakups, financial problems. However, I wouldn’t give back any of that pain. You never know where periods of personal disaster will lead. Although we see pain as a negative, you can never be so sure. I remember a story my Grandma Babe used to tell me;

“There once was a farmer who owned a horse. One day the horse ran away. All the people in the town came to console him because of the loss. “Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a bad thing and maybe it’s not.”

A few days later, the horse returned to the farm accompanied by 20 other horses. (Apparently he had found some wild horses and made friends!) All the townspeople came to congratulate him: “Now you have a stable full of horses!” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a good thing and maybe it’s not.”

A few days later, the farmer’s son was out riding one of the new horses. The horse got wild and threw him off, breaking the son’s leg. So all the people in town came to console the farmer because of the accident. “Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a bad thing and maybe it’s not.”

A few days later, the government declared war and instituted a draft of all able-bodied young men. They came to the town and carted off hundreds of young men, except for the farmer’s son who had a broken leg. All the townspeople came to congratulate him,”Oh, I don’t know,” said the farmer, “maybe it’s a bad thing and maybe it’s not.”

(And on, and on, and on it goes…)

Once you ‘awake,’ begin awareness training and become mindful, you begin to see every action as a spiritual practice. From washing the dishes to folding the laundry (my girlfriend will argue I should practice both of these more). This mental training helps you truly grasp the reality unfolding before you. Understand this; everything that you imagine is not reality. Being ‘awake’ means not going through life mindlessly, and to hold your ‘self’ accountable for your attitudes, decisions, diet, and the like. It’s also how you treat yourself and others, and how your words and actions affect your friends, family, community, and the Earth.

Being mindful means you can treat life’s disasters with curiosity and grace. Injuries, death, and problems will all happen. Relationships will end. These events are inevitable, however the way you receive these crises is up to you. I have begun to see life’s pitfalls as a necessary part of my training. It’s easy to find my breath and have a good attitude when it’s all going my way. The training comes into play when things go South.

A friend of mine had a breakup recently with “Sally.” He was despondent. I said to him, “Well look at it this way: There was the day before you met “Sally,” and a lot can happen in a day, a month, a year.

Meditate on that

GETTING LOST WILL HELP YOU FIND YOUR “SELF” was originally published in THE OODA on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.