I count the amount of time we’ve been together.

Still half the time you were with her.

I think about how far we’ve come, how well we know each other, how much we love each other, how much I believe in our future. But it’s still only half of what you had with her.

Did you know that your mom still slips her into conversation? Recounts the sordid details that you won’t talk about, all that drama, and how much there was of it. Enough for a lifetime love affair.

She’ll say things like, “what a girl that was, but of course that was all before you,” or “How she loved him! How he broke her heart! But they were so young.”

She told me lots of things just standing there in the kitchen, in the dark of early morning, teacup in hand, as if she was tossing out tidbits about your 90 year old neighbor.

Your mom said she spent the summers with you, and now I imagine her in that house. Sitting at the breakfast table. Laughing with your mom in the garden. Laying in the place where I sleep.

The first time you came to my condo, you took in the half decorated 750 square feet in one breath.

“Am I the first one here?” you asked me. “You know, the first date you’ve brought here?”

I said yes and you smiled. “Good,” you said softly. “I like to be the first.”

I don’t have that luxury. Women’s names linger on the tips of your parents’ tongues, in your brother’s eyes, in the way your best friends laugh.

I think of all those women, and especially her, and I wonder how you survived it. How you moved on.

I hope I never know.

The cruelty of the joke knocks the breath from my body.

It is only when I realize it is a joke that I feel my body has clenched, my heart is fluttering. The relief of the lie is dizzying and I laugh, until I remember that only half of it was a joke. The other half is real, and my throat constricts. The fear and relief and confusion is too much, I am moments from tears, but it is still light out, we have to pay the check, there is a birthday party in the booth over.

I remember that this is the real world and I do not cry.

I finally look at you and I have a wild desire to kiss you that I do not understand.

I realize you have been cruel all night. You were cruel to the waiter, cruel about the food, cruel to lie like that. You pressed the subject but now you’ve made your joke and you are content to return to small talk.

In the car, you chastise me when it takes me too long to get into the left lane. I think I am driving pretty well, considering the pounding in my head.

We walk the three flights to your room. It is unbearably hot up there. I can hear the music from the bar across the street.

You are on my left side on the futon and I am thinking about how I wore this dress for the first time and maybe it will be the last time because I don’t want to remember how bad this feels.

Now I am crying and you do not seem to understand why. You ask me to change you and I do not know if I can do it, or if I should.

When we wake in the morning I think that I cannot stay here. I am holding you to me because I think that I cannot stay here. You know what I am thinking so you put your weight on me. But you don’t say anything. You just kiss me and tell me you’ll miss me and go to work.

You retreat to the woods where you have to work and sit and wait and work more. You aren’t allowed to leave and I’m not allowed to visit because I’m not your wife and I’m not your girlfriend and I don’t know your family and we live separate lives.

I think to myself that people have broken up for less. You are gone for two weeks and it’s a good enough excuse.

But you come back.

You come back.

And you say it’s worth trying.

I liked to imagine you young, but I didn’t realize it was true until I got there.

Now that I’m that age, I know how young it feels.

One day you let it slip — “last night in bed he and I were talking and…”

One morning I walked in and you were wearing his shirt, sleeves rolled a dozen times, your slim frame engulfed by the size of him.

Emboldened allusions to intimacy that slipped casually between your handwriting and laughter and perfume.

I wonder if it felt the same as when I wore his shirt to the office, on accident at first, but defiantly later on. Like I was saying, “look at something you know nothing about.”

Maybe the difference was that your eyes were saying “you are too young to know this love” and mine said, “you are too old to know this love.”

Was it the same for you as it was for me, talking in the dark or just sharing space?

I wonder what made you marry him but keep your name. (I told you to take it, now he echoes words ten years ago when we make love).

And I don’t know why it ended. I have some theories, but they are thin.

I want to know if it will happen to me.

They are not the same men, but could they be? We are not the same women, but could we be?

Once, you told me that we stop changing when we turn 21, but now I am older than you were when we met, and I know that souls don’t work that way. Souls live a thousand lives, at once young and wise and foolish and peaceful and restless and brand new.

With him, my soul has grown, but yours had to grow alone.

If we ever are to part, know that I am not angry.

Ok, I might be in the moment. I might feel furious, betrayed, sad, numb, lost, bitter, cheated.

I might feel those things, but I’ll try not to say them. I’ll try not to hurl hatred at you if there is ever an end. Please forgive me if I do.

And I promise it will pass.

I will not look back bitterly.

I cannot, when we have shared so much. So much joy, laughter, intimacy, uncertainty, life.

You have opened my world, expanded my mind, touched my soul.

I don’t know if you can do that forever, but I promise you I will not forget it. Even if I’m angry with you, even if we cannot last, I will remember the time we spent together fondly.

It will not be time wasted, not after everything I have learned and felt.

I feel blessed to have made you laugh, to challenge you, to hold you, to bring you bliss. And if I cannot do so forever, I will know that I did once, and that is enough.

If loss is to come, know that you will flicker in my memory and burn somewhere within me. I will love another, but you will remain.

I hope that your faded impression on my heart is as soft and light as your soul, and that mine is on yours.

If We Ever Are To Part was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It isn’t a light shower, it’s a summer storm. Sheets of water are coming down around me, and I watch people pulling their shirts over their heads and scrambling to overhangs.

I walk on slowly — not in a hurry, but with purpose.

It’s the summer of 2016 and I am playing for an Ultimate Frisbee team called Chicago Dish. Despite the rain and a foot injury, I’m headed to a throwing clinic with one of the team’s captains, a Worlds level player that I would have the pleasure of playing with, learning from, and befriending for the next three years.

It’s just me and her, and I’m grateful that she showed up despite the rain.

She wheels her bike onto the field and kicks out the stand.

“You don’t step out as much as you can,” she tells me. “We’re going to fix that.”

For the next 30 minutes, she has me stand at one end of the bike and step around to the other end to throw to her.

She nods slowly in approval, we run some sprints, feet sloshing in the wet grass, and go our separate ways.

All summer we ran the bike drill, and now I can get around most defenders — even men over 6 feet tall.

For ten years, my passion for ultimate drove me to do crazy things.

I’ve gotten up at 4 in the morning for tournaments, put thousands of miles on my car, fucked up relationships, worn my body out, spent thousands on leagues and jerseys and gym memberships.

I’ve nearly passed out from heat exhaustion, torn my meniscus, pinched nerves in both of my feet, I’ve got a toenail that fell off every season for 6 years and will probably never grow back.

I missed birthday parties, graduations, quality time with loved ones.

I’ve played in New York, London, Chicago, Boston, L.A., Milwaukee, Cincinnati, Baltimore, Minneapolis, and a million middle-of-nowhere towns.

I’ve played for two of the greatest sports cities in the world — New York and Chicago.

I was offered a position as Head Coach of a DI University, was the youngest player in Dish history to become a captain, and led my team to the game to go to Nationals.

I loved every single single second of it — the wind, the exhaustion, the emotional turmoil, the fear, the rain, the sleepless nights — every single second.

It was what I did to make me feel alive. To give me purpose. It was something to obsess over and slowly (painstakingly slowly) watch myself improve.

But for the first time in 10 years, I don’t need it.

I don’t have the urge to run over to a local field and do kung fu throwing.

I don’t feel the need to spend my evenings watching game footage.

I don’t spend hours boring my friends and family members with talk of strategy.

For nearly all of my 20s, ultimate was how I defined myself. I was an athlete, a competitor, a teammate, a captain, a mentor, a student.

But now, I don’t feel the need to define myself through that game.

There is a sadness to that. There are goals that I did not reach in the sport. But I feel at peace with what I accomplished and letting go.

I’ll always love the sport and I’ll always play. But the intense drive that I sustained for 10 years, the all-consuming passion, has faded.

I don’t know if it’s good or bad, right or wrong, the last vestiges of growing up, but I don’t need it like I used to.

What it meant to me then though — I’ll never forget.

As a kid, I used to sleep over my grandparents’ house pretty frequently.

My grandpa made a much bigger deal out of breakfast than my parents did. At home, we I had light breakfasts that I would make myself. Bread and butter, graham crackers and tea. But my grandpa made a production out of breakfast.

I’d wake up to the smell of bacon sizzling in a pan. When my brothers and I went downstairs, the table was brimming with different dishes. One section of the table would be taken up with an array of cereals and juices. He’d buy 12 packs of individual boxes of cereal — the good stuff too, all sugary and terrible for you. He’d cook us sunny side up eggs to order. He’d slather butter on white bread and leave stacks of toast on the table. He even let us drink coffee — filled to the brim with milk and sugar.

I ate dinner at my grandparent’s house once a week, and more often than not he was the one who made dinner. He’d make barbecue chicken on the grill, or bake salmon, or make his speciality, “number eight” spaghetti with meatballs.

It wasn’t fancy, but it was tasty (except for the time he burned the tomato sauce, but we’ll forgive him that).

We usually think of women as the ones who carry on tradition and recipes, but on my dad’s side of the family, it was my grandpa who passed this down to us.

He taught me how to gut a fish, how to plant green beans, how to cook tomato sauce. He passed down his Christmas Eve recipes to me, teaching me every step, especially the Sambuca breaks.

Over years of watching him fish, tend to his garden, and cook, I picked up a few skills myself.

In the last few months of his life, I moved in with my grandparents. We talked about vegetables every day. It was Fall, and he talked constantly about sweet corn. It wasn’t in season anymore, and I lament the fact that I couldn’t get it for him one last time.

Around this time, even though we spoke of food at length, his appetite faded. He ate only a few bites of his meals, as my grandmother fretted over him and tried to cajole him into eating more.

One night I cooked dinner for myself at their house — braised cabbage, potatoes, and kielbasa sausage (a food that he introduced me to in my youth). My grandma begged me to try to get him to eat it, and when I brought it him I was surprised to find him ask for a second, third, fourth bite after the initial taste test.

It was one of the last meals of solid food that my grandpa ever ate, and I am proud that I was able to make it for him. Proud that he enjoyed it enough to take more than one bite, even as cancer ripped through his body.

All of those years, he took care of me through food. And I am grateful that I could repay that, just a little bit.

Cooking for others and passing down what he taught me is a small way that I can bridge the gap between generations and keep his memory alive.

World War II was a time of great destruction, but also a time of remarkable ingenuity and progress.

The problems that faced the world were large, but people came up with innovative ways to combat them. During this time, things like synthetic rubber and oil, pressurized cabins, radar, and penicillin were invented to assist with the war efforts.

People did not shy away from the incredible problems of the time. Instead, they rose to the occasion.

We are not at war with another country, but we are at war against an invisible, deadly threat. Every day, lives are lost and resources are depleted.

As the majority of Americans are working from home, you might have a feeling of futility.

You might want to do something to help others and stop the coronavirus.

You might want to rise to the occasion, as generations before us have when faced with the problems of their times.

If this is the case, here are five actionable steps that you can take to help other people through the coronavirus pandemic.

#1: Social Distance

Unlike during World War II, you are not asked to stand on the front lines and fight for your country. You are asked to protect others by staying home.

The truth of the matter is that sitting in your house and eating Cheetos is doing something — and it is a huge help in the fight to flatten the curve.

If you only do one thing to try to help others at this time, it should be staying home.

If you are healthy, this will not only ensure that you remain healthy, but the health of others. If you are a carrier, this will prevent you from infecting others.

Many states, including the state that I live in, have asked citizens not to leave their homes except for essential tasks, such as seeking medical attention, obtaining medication, and getting food.

Whether you live in a state that has released this mandate or not, stay home as much as you possibly can and stay away from other people.

#2: Share Your Resources

Fears of the pandemic have caused many people to stockpile food, cleaning products, masks, and other necessities at this time. Yes, you want to make sure that you are taken care of. But if you have extra resources, consider sharing them with those who need them more than you do.

Do you have an elderly neighbor? Maybe you can spare some of your groceries so that they don’t have to go to the store.

Did you load up on masks? Healthcare workers desperately need these to prevent contamination and the spread of this disease. Consider donating extras to a hospital near you.

Did your coworker just get laid off? Send them a care package with whatever you can spare.

We won’t get through this situation by hoarding and mistrusting others. Let’s share what we have, especially with those who are less fortunate.

#3: Support Local Businesses

A coworker of mine’s parents opened a restaurant. On March 10th.

After years of hard work, they opened their doors, just to close in a week.

Local businesses are suffering right now, and many of them will never recover. Our communities need us, even if we don’t leave our homes.

If you still have reliable income, consider buying gift cards from local businesses to use later. Write kind reviews for these businesses on Google. Give them a call and ask what they need by way of support.

If you are still going out to buy groceries, consider getting food from local bakeries, markets, or butcher shops.

Helping our local businesses helps our whole community. If you can afford it, consider patronizing your favorite restaurants and shops to help them stay in business.

#4: Assist With Community PPE Programs

As mentioned above, healthcare professionals simply do not have the basic and necessary equipment that they need to safely and properly treat patients.

We can help with this problem.

Communities all across the country are rallying together to sew and distribute masks to those who need them.

Are these masks 100% perfect and safe?

No. But they are better than nothing.

If you can sew, look into making face masks. If you can’t sew, donate money to the cause, help with pickup/drop off of masks, or rally other people to assist with the project.

We can all do our part to help those fighting this disease on the front lines.

#5: Use Your Talents

We all have talents, and these skills are needed at this time. Make sure that you share your knowledge with others.

If you are a good cook, share cooking tips with others who are not used to cooking so much, so that they can make nutritious and tasty meals.

If you are a teacher, reach out to the parents you know and give them tips on home-schooling during this time.

If you are into fitness, share home workouts with your network to encourage them to stay healthy during this time.

The world needs your skills and knowledge right now. Get creative and find a way to share what you know with others.

We are living through unprecedented times. The most recent threat that is comparable to this pandemic happened over 100 years ago. Which means that we don’t know first-hand how to handle this.

We will make mistakes. We already have. But we can all do our part to get through this situation.

Take care of yourself. Put your health and your family first — and not just your physical health, but your mental and emotional health too. Be there for others and lean on your support system.

And if you want to do more, start with these five suggestions.

Even a small act can make a difference.

In the second season of Gilmore Girls, Rory has a bit of an existential crisis.

Faced with the Harvard Library’s 13 million volume collection of books, she considers herself a failure.

“13 million volumes? I’ve read like, what, 300 books in my entire life and I’m already 16! Do you know how long it’d take me to read 13 million books? I sleep too much. I’ve been frittering away my whole life.”

As Rory demonstrates, the sheer magnitude of books out there can be overwhelming. Many people don’t know where to start, and as a result, they never get started. They are paralyzed by the enormity of the task, of all the options, and the absurdity of painstakingly making their way through each book, one by one.

We all know that reading can have a tremendous impact on our writing, as well as our lives as a whole. Stephen King suggests:

“If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There’s no way around these two things that I’m aware of, no shortcut.”

But how to read, and read well? How to avoid the paralysis that Rory felt when confronted with the infinite possibilities of what to read?

In short, how do you choose what to read?

Here are three tips on how to do just that.

#1: Read the books that pester you

Books stalk me.

I’ll be listening to a podcast, and a book title will come up in passing.

The next week I’ll see it mentioned in an article.

And again in another one.

And then a friend will bring it up.

If I hear about a book once and it sounds intriguing, it may or may not add it to my reading list. But if that book keeps coming up, I make it a point to add it to my list. (I have an Amazon wish list for books I want to read, so that everything stays organized. You can check mine out here).

If you hear about a book more than once, pay attention. That book is having an impact on our culture, and it is likely worth checking out.

In short, sometimes stalkers win.

#2: Alternate between fiction and non-fiction

Traditionally, I’ve always been a big fiction reader, but in the past few years I’ve incorporated a lot more non-fiction.

I get different things out of each.

From fiction I learn how to tell a story.

I learn about pacing, characters, tone, structure, and I can apply that to my own writing.

From non-fiction I get ideas that broaden my knowledge base. I find provocative philosophies that I seek to explore both in my life and in my writing.

Switching between fiction and non-fiction ensures that you are reading a wide range of books, which will help you grow. It is also refreshing to read entirely different books and can make reading more fun, especially when you are in a reading rut.

#3: One page at a time

At the end of the day, you’ve got to get through books one at a time. In Swann’s Way, Proust exclaims:

“Often, but a little at a time, like poor old Swann”.

And that is how we are to read: often and a little at a time.

I’ve tried speed reading, I’ve tried audiobooks, I’ve tried all kinds of things, but at the end of the day, I just have to make my way through books little by little. I can’t rush it. I have to make notes, absorb the words, and think the ideas through.

The key is consistency.

Right now I’m reading War and Peace. I can get through about 25 pages in an hour. It seems painfully slow to me, and I’m disappointed by this pace.

But I read every day, and I’m making my way through. 25 pages a day is 175 pages a week. At this rate, I should get through the book in about a month and a half.

Again, it’s slow. But it’s progress. And in another few weeks, I can cross this book off my list.

Remember that reading is a long game. It’s a lifelong process. As you read, your knowledge will accumulate over time; it doesn’t happen overnight.

These three tips are where I start when I am at a loss for what to read next. Give them a try if you want to improve your reading habits, your writing, and your life.

On Saturday, my boyfriend’s mom sent us to the store to stock up on nonperishables for his grandmother.

While I believe that it is important not to panic over the coronavirus outbreak, I do think that preparation can’t hurt, especially for the elderly.

I hope that shopping for a month or two’s worth of food is not something that we need to resort to here in America, but it could become a possibility. Towns in Italy and Asia have already been put on lockdown due to the coronavirus, and the virus is not slowing down yet.

But instead of worrying, I thought I’d make the most of the idea of shopping in bulk and try to get creative.

So, here is a comprehensive guide to stocking your pantry, whether in case of an emergency, or just to cook awesome food.

First, I would break my shopping list down by macronutrients. Macronutrients are the three main categories of nutrients that we consume. They consist of protein, carbohydrates, and fat.

Protein

Protein is necessary for us to maintain and build muscle and regulate the hormones in our bodies. Protein is also a macronutrient that will keep you satiated (feeling full) for a long period of time.

Most people get their protein from meat and fish, but plant-based options such as beans, legumes, and soy also contain a lot of protein.

While we don’t oftentimes think about canned options as having a lot of protein, there are a lot of good nonperishable protein choices. A few that you might consider stocking up on include:

Protein powder. Protein powder is basically just straight protein, and is a great option if you’re worried about getting enough protein while stuck in the house. You can drink protein powder straight up (not the most pleasant, but gets the job done), or blend it into smoothies with frozen fruit, or mix it into oatmeal. All of those options can be made with foods that will last for at least a month.

Beans/legumes, either dried or canned. You can use them in soups, chilis, salads, with rice, on pasta, etc. Beans are very versatile. Some of my personal favorites include chickpeas and lentils.

I love chickpeas in a curry, and using lentils as a ground beef substitute in a pasta bolognese dish. Both of these would actually be great “nonperishable” meals. For the curry, just buy a can of coconut milk, canned tomato sauce, and curry powder. For the bolognese, just buy canned tomatoes, pasta, and a hard cheese like parmesan (it will keep for quite a while if stored properly).

Canned fish, such as tuna, anchovies, sardines, and salmon. Canned fish are great because they are a good source of protein, omega-3s, and more. Small fish such as sardines and anchovies also tend to have a lot less mercury than larger fish, so you can eat more of them.

No need to be squeamish about canned fish, they are excellent in pasta dishes or when you are building flavorful sauces.

Canned meat. Personally, I don’t cook a lot with canned meats, but they’re a pretty good option if you’re looking for more protein. Spam or canned chicken will add some salt and flavor to any dish you are trying to create.

Frozen meats. If you’ve got room in your freezer, go ahead and freeze some meat to defrost at a later time. It will last for months.

Carbohydrates

Carbohydrates are the most readily available source of energy in the human body. We burn carbs to walk, breathe, think, and exercise.

Most carbs store very well and will last for months. You can easily buy them in bulk for a reasonable price, and use them as needed.

Dried grains. You can buy basically any dried grain, such as quinoa, rice of your choice, barley, buckwheat, etc. They make tasty sides or can be used in a cold salad.

Polenta/grits/oatmeal. These options can go savory or sweet, depending on what you’re in the mood for. They can be savory side dishes, or you can add maple syrup, honey, nuts, canned/frozen fruit, etc. to make them sweet. They work well either way!

Pasta. As an Italian, I’d be happy eating a simple pasta dish every day. Pasta goes great with canned fish, beans, frozen vegetables — really anything you can think of. Buy some canned tomatoes to make a quick sauce, or use olive oil.

Fats

Fats are the final building block of the macronutrient profile. We need fats — especially healthy fats — to keep us satiated, regulate our cholesterol levels, lower blood pressure, and more.

Oil. Oils are a versatile source of fat. They can be used in dressings, sauces, and to roast or fry just about anything. Oil is a must have if you will be cooking every day.

Nuts/nut butters. Another source of good fats, vitamins, and minerals. Nuts go well in both savory and sweet dishes.

Animal fats. Animal fats like butter and lard can be used to finish sauces or to build flavor in soups.

Micronutrients — Fruits and Vegetables

We’ve covered macronutrients, but micronutrients are equally important in keeping us healthy.

Micronutrients are vitamins and minerals, and foods such as fruits, vegetables, and nuts are high in micronutrients.

Getting fresh veggies won’t be possible if you can’t get to a store, but luckily there are other ways to eat your fruits and veggies.

You can find most fruits and vegetables in a canned or frozen form, and these options actually retain much of their micronutrient content. This is because vegetables are oftentimes canned or frozen while they are at their peak.

Make sure you pick up onions and garlic as well. These alliums are both healthy and tasty. Sautéing vegetables with onions and garlic can really bump up the flavor and turn a regular side dish into something extra tasty!

Pickled/fermented vegetables. For most of human history, you had to eat with the seasons. This means that you simply couldn’t eat many vegetables when they were out of season. For this reason, humans have been canning, pickling, and fermenting vegetables for centuries.

Pickled or fermented vegetables can add a great punch and much-needed freshness to any dish you are working on.

You can make your own pickled or fermented foods fairly easily, or you can stock up on jars at the store and they will last for months.

Flavor

We have covered the basics, but if you want to take your cooking to the next level, you can invest in some additional ingredients.

Dried spices will last you for ages, they’re good for you, and they will elevate any dish. Whether you make a dry rub for meats, use them in a dressing or sauce, or sprinkle over veggies, dried spices can work wonders with whatever you have on hand.

Acid is a game-changer when your food is a little dull and needs a punch. Again, it is the base of many tasty dressings and sauces. You can buy some citrus like lemons and limes, although these will only last a few weeks. Vinegar is another great option because it will last you for years.

Fresh herbs is my last flavor tip, and it might be an unconventional one. If you’ve ever bought fresh herbs, you know that they can go bad pretty quickly. But, a little hack is to take fresh herbs and put them in an ice cube tray with some oil. This will give you pre-portioned oil and herbs to add to a pan whenever you want to sauté some vegetables, start a pasta sauce, or cook some meat.

Fun

For fun, don’t forget the alcohol. You can cook with it, or you can indulge in other ways ;)

Remember that people have relied on their pantries for centuries. While we are not necessarily used to stocking up for a long period of time, it is certainly possible, and the pantry can produce delicious food. While I hope that we aren’t forced into this situation, if necessary we can create healthy, balanced, tasty meals using pantry foods.

Have I missed anything? Let me know what you’d put in your pantry.

A few years ago, I was driving with my dad to New Hampshire.

I confided in him that I noticed in myself nervous and paranoid tendencies than my grandma has.

My grandma has always been anxious, and her mind could quickly go from “normal event” to “absolute catastrophe.”

When I was in high school, I told her that I was heading out to dinner with a friend and that my brother was home swimming in our pool with some of his friends.

“You can’t leave him, Jen!” She suddenly cried.

“If you leave him he could slip and fall and hit his head. His friends could panic. If you aren’t there to call 911, he could bleed out!”

She expressed this to me with such sincerity, such genuine terror, that I was startled.

How did her mind go to that place?

She was so frightened that she actually came over to watch him and make sure he was okay swimming in our backyard.

(Yes, he was very popular with his friends that day.)

I always laughed at this occurrence and the many like it over the years, but as I have gotten older, I have noticed that my mind can also jump to a dark place after a seemingly insignificant event.

Anxiety runs in my family, it’s quite clear despite the fact that none of us have been officially diagnosed with anything. And compared to some people in my family, my anxiety is manageable. But I do have to manage it.

If you are struggling with the same thing, here is what I do to reduce my stress and combat my anxiety. Some of these strategies might work for you as well.

#1: Follow a routine (that includes stuff I love)

I’m pretty type-A, so chaos tends to exacerbate my anxiety.

When I feel my stress levels rising, I stop and think of what my routine has been like in the past few weeks.

Am I eating nutritious, tasty food?

Am I getting enough sleep?

Am I exercising?

In short: am I following my ideal routine?

Chances are if I’m super stressed out, I’m not. My life is somehow out of balance — maybe I’m not spending enough time with loved ones, or I’m not exercising enough, or I’m not making time for a creative outlet like writing.

If I’m feeling anxious, that’s where I start. I try to fix my routine and get back to my ideal, which for me includes:

• Sleeping on a regular schedule
• Cooking and eating well
• Exercising regularly
• Reading
• Writing
• Connecting with my family, my best friend, and my boyfriend

Finding your ideal routine can take some self-reflection and support from loved ones, but it can make a huge difference. Humans crave routine. If you set up a routine and make time for things that you enjoy, it can provide some control and joy in your life.

#2: Switch to tea

For the most part, caffeine doesn’t affect me, but on days when I am prone to anxiety, caffeine can really send me over the edge.

I drink lots of tea as it is, but if I’m feeling anxious, I stay away from coffee and switch to tea entirely.

I think that tea and honey is one of the most calming combinations in the world. When I drink a cup of tea — even if I’m in my office with a deadline looming, or staring down a serious fight with a loved one — it transports me to a sacred space where my problems seem less pressing.

The ritual of drinking tea keeps me calm and helps me to tackle what is happening in my life.

#3: Give in to my introvert tendencies

I know that I’m an introvert, not because I’m shy, or I don’t like to talk, or any of that.

I know that I’m an introvert because when I have plans with people too many days in a row, I get overwhelmed.

I long for solitude, for a quick reprieve so that I can recharge.

As much as I love my friends and family, when life gets crazy, sometimes I just have to stay in and write, or watch TV, or just be. That helps me recover so that I can face the world again.

(If you’re an extrovert, you might want to make time for the exact opposite).

#4: Call my mom (or my best friend)

Sometimes when my mind starts spinning, I just need someone to tell me that things are going to be ok.

My mom and my best friend are those people.

They love me unconditionally.

They can handle the crazy ideas that my brain comes up with.

They can take them in stride, and calm me down.

As an introvert, there are not a ton of people who can make me feel better after a talk. But they can.

Find those people in your life and don’t be too proud to rely on them when things get hard.

#5: Practice grounding techniques

This one is relatively new, and admittedly, I thought it was stupid when I first heard of it.

My coworker suggested this to me when I was going through a particularly rough time.

She told me to focus my mind on each of my senses and what they experienced.

What did I feel? My feet on the ground? The desk under my hands?

What did I hear? The printer humming? Muffled voices of other coworkers down the hall?

And on and on.

I remember thinking, “there is no way that thinking about the printer is going to help me right now.”

But I humored her.

I did it.

And it worked.

Grounding techniques are a form of meditation, a way to get your mind off your racing thoughts and center yourself. Now when I feel overwhelmed, I give grounding a try — and I am always surprised to find that it almost immediately calms me.

Anxiety can be overwhelming. Obviously I am not a therapist, and if you find yourself struggling with your mental health, you should seek help from a professional. But these are a few of the things that I do to get myself back on track when I feel like I am losing control.

I hope they help.

5 Constructive Things I Do When My Anxiety Skyrockets was originally published in Ascent Publication on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.