The conversation begins:

Yesterday at ‪#DND we discussed in length what character Donald Trump would be. Decided:

Neutral Evil

Human

Inheritor

Sorcerer

Str: 6

Dex: 4

Con: 7

Wis: 3

Int: 2

Cha: 18

My reply was originally on Twitter, so it was shorter and in truncated text, but here is what I said:

Oh you couldn’t be more wrong. Donald Trump is Lawful Evil. Like a Bond villain. Miller is Neutral Evil. Bannon is Neutral Evil. Hillary is Neutral Evil. Hitler was criminally insane, but Mussolini was Neutral Evil. Harvey Weinstein is Lawful Evil. It’s about context. And power. Trump wants to be loved. He wants to win.

Jeremy retorts: I generally agree with Chicken’s ability scores. I’m

out of practice, but Trump seems like a natural born chaotic evil to me.

From the official alignment page:

“A chaotic evil character does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. He is hot-tempered, vicious, arbitrarily violent, and unpredictable. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Thankfully, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him.

Chaotic evil is sometimes called “demonic” because demons are the epitome of chaotic evil.

Chaotic evil beings believe their alignment is the best because it combines self-interest and pure freedom.

Chaotic evil is the most dangerous alignment because it represents the destruction not only of beauty and life but also of the order on which beauty and life depend.”

My reply: There are very few living examples of people who are Chaotic Evil: pimps, Hannibal Lector, drug lords, that fat mayor from Canada… jails are full of them. But super rare that you would interact with one. Psychopaths and stuff. Mordrid was Chaotic Evil. The Night King from Game of Thrones is Chaotic Evil. The Joker ect… This kind of evil is hatred for life and beauty. Freedom to act outside of any system or rules. Think bloodlust…

Chicken’s assesment of Donald Trump in D&D:

Character class and level:

Donald Trump would be a multi classed Thief/Nobelman 5/10

75 hp (d6 for Thief, d4 for Noble plus Con bonus)

AC: 40 (per pin, suit, and innate ability to deflect blame)

Special attack: mass confusion 5x p/day

Special attack: arcane script w/ text or tweet 3 times p/day
Special attack: prevarication, save vs. will at -10 or believe on successful hit target is weakened while 100’ of Trump no save

Legendary resistance: Trump resists any/all first successful hits

Legendary resistance: Trump immune to critical hits

Immune to poison/pet/paralysis, psionics, shame attacks and logic

+15 morale to allies

+13 on attacks against females/immigrants

Special Wisdom score adjustment: Wisdom score reduced by 10 points and -15 to willpower saves while monologuing

Gear:

Trump wears a +6 American Flag pin of protection

Suit of distraction: as displacer cloak, suit doesn’t fit, is confusing

Microphone of fear: as per Clerical spell, Caster Level 15

Glyph of Bane: anywhere the word Trump is spelled out like on plane, building ect… causes mass fear/weakness

Wig of glamour: shitty +1 wig of glamour but it’s falling apart

Ability scores are determined by rolling three d6. So you generate a number from 3 to 18. The ability to speak begins at 3 or 4 intelligence. Threading a needle would require a 6 dexterity. The 3 wisdom score you gave him would make him a smoker, a drinker, unable to stay on script as a speaker and so on… My scores here:

Strength measures more than martial prowess and brute force. It also considers how a person is put together. He is big: 6'2" or so. He is (or at least was) above average strength. 13

Intelligence How he can do what he does and stay out of jail and leverage a reality tv show into the presidency makes him a genius. That you underestimate him makes you not a genius. 18. If not 19.

Dexterity probably nothing overwhelming. But certainly not less than average. He’s pretty deft at dodging the truth! Considering his immaculate penmanship and poise for a photo shoot I’m gonna say 11.

Wisdom this going to be the tricky one. Because I want to call out his ineptitude but that doesn’t mean he isn’t wise. It measures decision making. And he makes great choices. The best choices. And we don’t know how much of his bungling is manufactured (probably a lot). 14 (with a qualifier that it goes down to 4 while his talking to an audience)

Constitution 12 diet cokes a day? I read the art of the deal. He works 18 hours a day. Talks for hours. Looks pretty healthy to me. He can be under tremendous pressure and still perform. All that assaulting and raping… I’m gonna go 14.

Charisma you may want to give him high charisma score but I don’t. Just because he has an innate ability to cast Mass Charm doesn’t mean he has a high charisma. But confidence is also part of a Charisma score as well as comeliness. Only because of his endless confidence and public speaking… 13

…but it doesn’t end there, no. There is another score he has. They only touch on it in the 5th edition rulebook:

Luck In DCC luck score is everything. Donald Trump has a bafflingly high luck score. There has never been a luckier person than this motherfucker. From his being born into a billionare family to his dumb luck with the birther thing to his pairing against Hillary the least liked politician in history and on and on… no one has ever seen anything like it. He will fall, of course. Disgrace and everyone will turn on him. Of course. But if I had to assign him a luck score that number would be 20. Impossibly high.

Conclusion

But truth be told as a DM now closing in on 40 years I have to say that Donald Trump isn’t a PC or even a NPC. Donald Trump is a monster. Donald Trump is the end of a 20th level dungeon crawl. Sitting on a mountain of gold, sparkling gems and priceless works of art that he neither understands nor appreciates. In his horde are magical artifacts that are souvenirs he has collected from defeated enemies that he has no idea how to operate. You beat him by getting him monologuing and trap him with his own magic. He exists to be vanquished. It will take a evenly balanced party to break through his defenses and ultimately meet him head on and defeat him in his lair. A party that is out of balance or inexperienced will end up TPK (total party killed). It takes experience, trickery, magic and martial prowess to take him. That horde? It’s our economy. The artworks are our NEA and other programs that are disappearing. The magic items there are our Constitution, our Civil Liberties and our laws. There are people who can give you hints on how to hurt him, and tell you of vulnerability’s, but they are hard to find and difficult to work with. There is a map, but it’s tricky to read and incomplete. That is how this module is played.

Thanks for reading.

The moment I saw that Donald Trump was entering the race, I knew he would win. And I knew he would win “somehow”. It wouldn’t be fair or just or anything like anyone had ever seen before. He is a Showman. And he would manipulate the media like any good Showman would. He would dominate the conversation. He wouldn’t have to spend a penny. He would capitalize on his fame. He would cause total chaos. He would make his opponent irrelevant. And at the end of the day not actually give a fuck if he won or not. To him it’s just another game in a long list of games.

I”ve been a Showman for over 30 years. Where most people have a hard time harvesting interest in their productions, I never have. Because to me, it’s just a game. I’m a hack. I don’t have any real talent and I don’t really have any credibility to lose. I go farther than most other people would go to get people to pay attention to me. Or at least I did, before I found a niche that suited me. To be relevant, I would do or say outrageous things to get the media to write about me. To bizarre and comical ends. It was totally outside of any ethical confines, but much later in life I thought about what would happen if politics and ‘Show’ ever collided and the conclusion I came to was exactly the slow motion train wreck we all just watched.

Show wins.

I mean, sure… it didn’t help that Hillary had a list of problems to begin with. She wasn’t the ideal candidate. Tons of baggage. It was almost as if the Democratic Party was showing off, running Hillary. From the beginning, the election seemed like a formality. An inconvenience beneath her. Anyone who opposed her was instantly anti-women. Well, that’s how it felt. She wasn’t particularly good on camera, with the press or as a speaker and she didn’t look particularly healthy or happy. Show would use that to it’s advantage. Hillary lost the key Democratic voters when the DNC colluded to thwart any due process Bernie Sanders deserved. Bernie wanted to just run for president and you run until the convention then you see who wins. The DNC wanted him to fold early, they didn’t like that he was drawing crowds of 40,000 people. They kept trying to tell him that Hillary was the inevitability, but he was old fashioned and wanted to keep trying.

Big mistake. Show wins.

The show the DNC wasn’t seeing was that Bernie became a movement. Hillary was just a person. The Bernie movement cost Hillary more votes than she could afford. That combined with great turn out for Trump, we have Show working FOR Trump and Show working AGAINST Hillary. Bernie was such a movement, that people were writing him in even when he asked them not to. Look at the numbers in Michigan, 110,000 filled out ballots but left the presidential selection blank. All Hillary needed was 13,500 of them to beat Trump. What % of those ‘blank’ slates were people writing in Bernie? It’s all right there. The people who wrote Bernie in were the people who were TOTALLY OUTRAGED at what the DNC did at the convention (and before). The way the Bernie people were treated at the convention was baffling. I watched with stunned disbelief at the in-fighting and wondered if there would be a Democratic Party left when this is over. And I’m still wondering that now. Because I just heard that Big Pharma lobbyist Howard Dean is thinking about running the DNC. The guy who was EATEN by show? The guy that the media-created hoax “the Dean scream” was about? Are you fucking kidding?

Wrong side of the show.

You see, not only is show the most powerful force, you have to be able to control show. You have to know how it works, and do tons of improv. You have to have been using show for decades. You have to be a person who has lived their life in show. Someone who has been in the public eye. Who understands PR. Not someone who gets eaten by show. The show that Hillary didn’t do was to win the nomination and at the convention announce to everyone that she is giving Bernie first pick at ANY seat in her cabinet. Or that she was going to allow Bernie to select a seat or two seats or specific seats or whatever. Instead, they very quietly adopted his $15 an hour minimum wage with zero fanfare an zero hat tipping. Zero show. Zero clues. Zero consideration for the people they alienated. What appeared to be zero fucks given. The arrogance was just amazing. Bernie has a movement. Obama had a movement. Trump has a movement. Hell, if it wasn’t for the movement that Ross Perot had, we would have never even have heard of that obscure Governor from Arkansas and his wife. If Ross didn’t run, George Bush Sr. would have won his second term easily and in 1996 the open presidential seat would have attracted more competition. People who hate Ralph Nader never mention Ross Perot. That guy had a movement. He had a show. He was the first person to introduce the idea of “electronic direct democracy”. But he was a kooky weirdo, and quit. But while he ran, he DOMINATED the press with his brand of kooky. But he was on the wrong side of show. He wasn’t a Showman. But neither is Hillary. Nor is Howard Dean. They don’t have movements. They are tin eared, out of touch relics of the Democratic Party.

How can Show help us now?

Well it feels like we need a unicorn. We need someone who deals in Show and isn’t an egomaniac nightmare law & order Nazi. We need to understand that Show is just a path. The Democratic Party’s path ended on Tuesday Nov 8th 2016. That path was an experiment. It failed. Trump’s path will fail as well, ultimately, because he won’t be on the right side of history. He’ll embolden the right to fuck things up in the historic way that neocons do, and the results will be the same as the last time the ball bounced across the court, just more extreme. Just like everything else. In Ross Perots’ words: “Keep in mind our Constitution predates the Industrial Revolution. Our founders did not know about electricity, the train, telephones, radio, television, automobiles, airplanes, rockets, nuclear weapons, satellites, or space exploration. There’s a lot they didn’t know about. It would be interesting to see what kind of document they’d draft today. Just keeping it frozen in time won’t hack it.” It’s time to hear this kinda thing from a millennial. That unicorn we need is never coming. It’s up to all of us to be more familiar with show so we can’t be manipulated by the media and their inability to leave the low hanging fruit hang. So we can see that a poll that says it’s 99% likely that a person will win a presidential election is just an endorsement on steroids and NOT JOURNALISM. If we were better at seeing and creating Show we wouldn’t stand for the fraudulent conspiracy of the heads of the DNC. Our communication tools are going to get better, of course. We will get better at using them. And sooner or later this country HAS to adopt a new constitution. One with UBI, defines nature as having the same (or more) rights than a person and one that puts medical care outside of commerce. For a start. Our problem has always been that we are waiting for a unicorn that is never coming. We all just need to get on a path that is not just going to become irrelevant. And end.

Because if you know how to work Show, that is the lever you use. You make your enemy irrelevant. Which is exactly what the Democratic Party is right now. Irrelevant.

The path that we all need to be on is going to take more work than a party affiliation. We need a global path to walk down. We need to think bigger than identifying with either red or blue and a few unsolvable wedge issues. We need an understanding outside of lines on maps and outside of commerce.

You all need to be better at Show. This last election would have made PT Barnham proud. He’s looking down right now, beaming with delight saying “What a show!”

The simple fact is that history is full of stories of people with power underestimating their enemies. Like, every single story. Now that Trump has all the power, I sincerely hope he underestimates us when we get our shit together.