the moon is a supervillain tonight. it looks down on me with a sly smile on its face, the curve of the lips bending ever so slightly to the left.

it is unconcerned with my predicaments, of which exist a variety. i am nigerian after all. there is no power, there is no water, mosquitoes abound.

the smile changes to a frown as the light begins to separate the clouds. those closest to the moon have a glow to them; a sharp contrast to the darkness enveloping those further away.

the frown is accusatory, it points a finger in my face. it is the year 2026, how have you accepted this life? what are you doing?, it asks.

i have no answers; i remember how i got here but i don’t know how it happened. i was once the moon, then the clouds closest to it, then i got further and further away, enveloped by the darkness.

the moon is a supervillain tonight, its apathy rankles, its insistent glow above the gloom is a knife in my chest. morning can not come soon enough.

For a very long time, I thought that I would die young. But on my birthday, I told myself that I was going to live and be excited about life. In the time since then, I have tried my best to keep that attitude. I wake up every morning and tell myself that I want to be alive, that it’s a good day, one I can enjoy.

And now that I want to be alive, I realise that there’s so much intentionality that I need. You technically can’t start afresh when you’ve been alive and doing things, but it really does feel like that. It’s a whole other life now; waking up every day wanting to be positive, wanting to be involved and intentional about my life, and it has exposed me to truths about myself.

The first thing I’ve had to acknowledge and accept is that I am not a disciplined person at all. My mind and body always default to the path of least resistance. I want to sit with difficulty. I want to sit with hardship, adversity. I want to get through it, but I don’t know how to.

Another thing I’ve accepted is that if I’m going to live, I need to think deeply about what work means for me on a day to day basis, and about earning money. I’m a man who has his things, and one of them is to think about the ways I participate in systems that harm, and contribute to a state of society that I don’t like. That’s how I feel about capitalism and our society’s attitude to money, especially when you realise these attitudes reinforce, establish, even more harm and hurt and desperation.

But at the same time, niggas (me) need to eat, niggas (me) need to work. Work gives us routine, and sometimes purpose. I believe that human beings are meant to do things, and unfortunately some of what we have to do sucks. But I’m trying to be on this planet so I have to do things that suck too. How can I adapt properly to the world around me? I want to be part of it as fully as possible.

Deciding to be alive made me take stock, and I see nothing behind me. On one hand, it’s sad and stressful when I think about all I need to do. I’m an adult in my late twenties; I feel like at this point in my life, I should have automatisms. I should know myself. I should know what works and what doesn’t. But I don’t really know.

On the other hand, having a new lens to look at life through has been interesting, and occasionally enjoyable. It’s cool being a person who wants to engage with his environment, take walks, sign up for football and make new friends, hang out with his friends and look forward to it as a shared activity instead of as an escape — those are things that have increased the enjoyment factor. But I want to do hard things as well. I’m accepting that it’s not all beautiful, and we live in phases. I want to sit through the phases instead of going crazy about how uncomfortable I am. I would like to take my time to be considerate and consider what my thoughts and words and actions mean, what I’m saying.

I texted a woman a while ago and told her I wanted her. She wasn’t opposed to the idea, but told me that I’d have to show her I did. Looking back at that, I didn’t really want her. I thought I did. Maybe if she had been as impulsive as I was, we might have had sex, or something else could have happened. But she was very clear about what she wanted, and it showed me how careless I was with other people. My attention isn’t a prize. It’s not enough for me to be attracted to someone, what does it do? For them and for me? Her decision made me consider all these. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have paused because I wasn’t really thinking about it. But then when I think about what it meant, to show, to consistently communicate and talk about and maybe build a relationship, it wasn’t something that I wanted to do, which is not a problem. But I was about to involve someone in a period of boredom practically in my life, to involve them in something that could have meant something to them. But I was just bored. And because they’re a person who has these clear views about their life, it was a really teachable moment for me. Looking back, it’s clear that I didn’t really want her.

I want to be a person who takes action, who’s adventurous, but I have to be more careful and considerate, as it’s not really a trait I have. I think about people, but it means something serious to consider yourself, to consider other people. And I don’t do that well. You should treat other people the way you treat yourself, but how do you view yourself? How do you perceive and take care of yourself? I don’t take myself seriously. Yeah, we’re on a planet and we’re all going to die. But I have to mean something to myself. And if I want to be alive and have a life, then I have to take care of that life.

All these things sound so simple and obvious, but when you face the reality of trying to change your life, the way you think, your attitude towards communication, work, relationships, people, and yourself, you really see that the clichés we take for granted because they are so normal, are not so normal because we do not live the lives we should.

I don’t live the life that I should be living, or the life that I want to be living. I don’t do that. I’m aware it’s a day-to-day thing. It’s more than talking. Every morning when I wake up, I should think about what I want to do and do it (I said I’d write this today so big win). That’s all I care about, because I know that it stacks up. But I can’t even get myself to be consistent as there’s always something in the way.

Yeah, it’s life, so many things can spoil your day and things come up. But if they keep coming up, I have to ask myself if there is something that is off about the way I’m approaching my life. I think about the situations I have found myself in, and I know there are things I could’ve done better. I look back to the buildup before everything exploded in my face, and I shouldn’t have done that. And I knew that I shouldn’t have done that, but why didn’t I think about it so much more and actually figure out a way to deal with it, instead of saying “this might turn out bad, but let me just do something.”

When does it matter to me enough to fight these habits and reach for what I want? It’s such a cop-out being an “easy-going person.” I feel like such a cop-out being someone who’s so chill, always talking about wanting to be chill. I’m just so scared, man, okay? I know that at the end of the day I’m so scared about everything it takes to reach for a life that you want.

I want to communicate more and talk to my family more. I don’t do that. It’s so hard. I don’t know how to keep up. I want to stop giving my energy to things that drain me. I want to stop being so tired. I’ve been trying to do things that I’m passionate about for so long, and I’m burnt out and I have nothing. This new person, this new me, what does he do? What does he care about? Is he selfish? Lots of things that I’m reading, video essays that I’m watching, are telling me that I need to be selfish, that I need to think about myself and the things that I can control and not let my mind wander.

But I don’t know how to do that. I’m very restless. My mind dey wander pass Wolverhampton. How do I be more selfish and think about myself properly? I feel like I have a real Christian guilt problem and it affects how I perceive myself and my definitions of what it means to be proud or self-centered and taking myself too seriously. In trying to be a normal, regular guy, I’ve overdone it in terms of dumbing down how I feel about myself, but also how I present myself to others. We’re all humans, and we’re all regular in the sense that we breathe and we’re on the planet and we poop and we piss. But because of our individual leanings and constitutions, I do think that there are special things about everybody. And it is a disservice if you decide not to explore these things that you’re naturally drawn to, and try your best to see what they can lead you to.

And that’s how I feel right now about myself. Yes, I want to be a chill guy and a regular guy, but I’m also a person with a lot of creative talent. And saying that has been so difficult for me, because yeah, I’m a good writer and decent DJ, but when I say and accept that I’m really good at these, I feel a responsibility calling deep from inside me to do something about it.

I’ve been trying to write for a while, and I guess this is a good way to kickstart myself. But I deep in my heart know that I shouldn’t just be looking to kickstart. I should be looking for a sustainable structure for my writing. I don’t know if my novel is going to be great, but I’m not writing it, so it’s not going to be great anyway. What else am I doing? I’m just spending days stressed out, or existing in vacant states where I’m staring at the wall.

All these stories inside of me, all these words inside of me, these essays, I don’t write them. So what am I doing? I do enjoy being chill. I enjoy taking my life at a good, measured pace, but I feel like the actual living experience could be different. I’m sure it’s possible to create a fulfilling life for myself at a natural pace. But right now, I’m struggling with all the things that I have to do, with all the things that I want to do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the stuff I have right now. I am not living a charmed life, but it is not a horrible, disastrous one either. I wanted to be a writer as a kid, and I am writing. I’m someone’s (a bunch of people actually) favourite writer. I have made something of my talent, and technically fulfilled the dream that I had. But is this all I want? I’m not satisfied with a lot of things, what am I doing to change them?

I’ve been cleaning my room a lot because it’s very grounding. We live on the third floor, and it’s breezy up here, but the wind also brings in a lot of dust. So I have to constantly clean, and it’s been putting me in a good state of mind. Right now I’m at a stage where I can’t do any work unless my room is clean. I have a whole routine — it’s very methodical, the way I go about it. I start from the right side of my bed, and I sweep and mop that part and under the bed, then I move to the left side, and I end by the wardrobe, and I move everything towards the door, sweep everything towards the door and pack it, and mop the room. Then when it dries, I do one last sweep.

I’m aware of how good a routine is. It feels like all the low-level problems in my life are things that I can hack away with a routine, but building a routine for your life is so different from figuring out the most efficient way to clean your room.

I’ve been talking to random people about life, trying to understand how I can do this my way. I guess it’s good that I have an idea of the person I want to be, but being intentional is so hard. Loving yourself is getting rid of all the things you believe about yourself. I always talk about how I’m a person who does so-so-and so, but I don’t know myself. I don’t really know what I like, if I like people I hang out with — am I even a “people person” after all?

While searching my bag for a face mask last week, I found antidepressants I decided to stop using because they made me feel very numb. They felt like relics of another life. I don’t think this one is much better though. The only thing that’s changing is my attitude, but in the concrete parts of my life, I haven’t made much progress. I know that recovery isn’t something that happens in months, but I’m so anxious. I’m anxious about not making rent, and not getting my ideas off the ground. I’m anxious about these habits I keep struggling with.

I’m being confronted with my limits and it’s a little embarrassing. It’s uni all again, trying to find a study method that works. And I’m just so scared about everything. I know that I’m starting over, but why does it feel like I don’t have time? I want my friends to be proud of me. I just keep getting in these situations where I end up looking so stupid and needing help. Like, I’m scared of not making rent. I had a plan and then it got derailed because I got into some trouble and lost a lot of money. And why did that happen? Because I was so stupid and silly and not thinking. Oluchukwu, just take your time to pause and consider what you’re doing. What are the potential fallbacks of this thing? Being impulsive is so fucking stupid sometimes. Like, just think, man. And now, one bad decision has spiralled into this mess.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m going to be okay for a while and I don’t know what the point of this is. It’s good for me to get it out, I guess? I feel very lonely on this journey, and can’t really talk about it to anybody one-on-one because I am so ashamed and tired of myself. I just want it to end now, like, can I snap my finger and switch? Why is it so difficult to love yourself and stay alive?

I have no choice but to get better, and I know that time is going to pass regardless of whether I keep at it or give up, so I might as well just keep doing something. But I want to tell everybody that I’m really scared, and I’m really anxious a lot.

Have a good day, guys. I really hope we all have good days. I hope we find the help we need. I just really hope that things get better, even though it’s hard to see how they actually do.

i’ve had the chillest week ever. it’s such a fitting end to the month, don’t you think? i feel like i went through all the emotions & feelings – angst, depression, happiness, anxiety, disappointment, heartbreak, self-loathing, loneliness, and finally ended up at hope. it’s the perfect nollywood story. mama G has been defeated. to god be the glory ❤️

i had a lovely day today. i bought a pair of football boots & shorts, watched “the grand budapest hotel,” took a long nap and listened to a lot of music. duub and i are in action tomorrow @ factory reset. i am looking forward to it. i hope it’s a great time.

i want to thank you for doing this with me again. it’s been super interesting writing about my days and inevitably working through some of the issues that plagued me. i meant it when i said i was giving life a real shot. i am tired of complaining about the same things. i want to fight my habits and win. i want to change my life. i hope that when i write to you in the future, it’s with updates on the right path. i don’t want to cry again biko.

have a great august. i won’t write as much, but i will do my best to exercise my writing muscles! i love you all, let’s get better together. let’s do better together. i’ll see you soon. all my love ❤️

food count for july 31: meat pies, suya rice, peanuts.

water count for july 31: 150+ cl -ish

today was cool, i was in flow state at work, just moving through my tasks with ease. it felt so good to be competent. outside of work, i just chilled. i took a great nap, called my dad, ate a lot food, watched “american gangster,” and recorded a practice set. everywhere mara mma.

right now, i am applying to a job while listening to music. i feel a little sleepy and might just crash once i am done. it’s two days to my next set, @ factory reset. excited to be playing for the third weekend in a row #bookedandbusy.

i hope you’re all good and taking it easy. good night, see you tomorrow!

food count for july 30: potatoes & eggs, shawarma, chicken wings, peanuts.

water count for july 30: 100-ish cl. need to do more.

i had the chillest day. i surfed the chill wave, riding it for the longest time. yomi came over and we hung out, listening to zaylevelten, eating small chops, and talking about whatever. then i had a pretty good nap. i just had dinner and i am listening to an old set of mine while writing this. #enjoyment

i bought a speaker today. i am glad i did because it’s been really annoying having to prep for sets or just listen to music with my laptop speakers alone. i rebuke any issues with the blood of jesus.

i also watched some old highlights and realised that vinicius sucks now. he used to be so electric but there’s no fire anymore. he’s shown moments of brilliance in the past two seasons but gosh, the difference is too clear. i pray he finds his rhythm again. i want my son back.

i have barely been on my phone since sunday. i am glad to be doing other things (sudoku, seeing a movie, hanging out etc.) i think i want to see more movies; i need more stories in my life.

i am going back to sleep soon. the day wasn’t for any work and i am going to respect that. have a good night shawties, see you tomorrow!

food count for july 29: small chops (they were so good), jollof rice.

water count for july 29: 100cl (i should drink more, i know)

writing this in the cab on the way back home. lauryn hill’s “x factor” is playing on the radio.

i hung out with a couple friends this evening and it was a huge mood booster. i also got a charger for my laptop, a new mouse, and mouse pad. i am going to play sudoku faster now! so excited.

my day in general was okay. i took a good nap in the afternoon so i have some energy tonight. a new song will be birthed into the world soon. or a new sudoku record time, who knows?

my stomach hurt all day. i hope it feels better tomorrow. also feeling texting fatigue. i don’t feel like replying texts or even using my phone. i am sorry to everyone i might be leaving hanging. i need some more time.

hope you’re all well? i am doing okay. i am fine, thanks for asking. have a great night!

food count for july 28: jollofandfried, sausage rolls.

water count for july 28: 200-ish cl

today was okay. i swept my room for the fourth day in a row. i just hate to feel dirt under my feet. but it’s so dusty. maybe i should have a pair of slippers for inside my room. ugh.

the rest of the day was spent with my friend Subomi. we saw an accident happen in real time and it was so jarring. the door of a swerving danfo flew out and literally packed three people standing by the road, slamming them into the sidewalk. fuck it really was so jarring.

hanging with Subomi was fun otherwise. we hadn’t seen each other in a long time so there was so much catching up to do. it was fun to do that.

i am back home, the power is out, & i am writing this with the dredges of my battery. i hope you all had great days. i did my best to be chill and chill i was. i love you, goodnight!

food count for july 27: fried yam w chicken sauce, shawarma.

water count for july 27: 150 so far. will drink more soon.

over the past month, i have had the feeling that something needs to change. i believe i know what those things are, but the proof is in the pudding. all the self awareness is useless without any action.

in this moment, i have nothing *extra* to add. i started the day with a lovely set @ palmwine haus, and ended it at the cinema. i saw “the odyssey”, it was a great time. i took the day easy and slow. i laughed a lot and consumed unhealthy amounts of sugar.

i’m grateful for all the love and kind wishes. we are somewhat linked, me and you. for whatever reason, this weird and tumultuous life is a shared thing between us. i am learning to cherish it, to fight for it. i ask the universe for the energy and discipline to keep doing so.

happy birthday Oluchukwu, do bold things now. do grown things now. take your time with everything, consider choices and decisions a little more. linger, let your fingers find the folds buried deep wherever you’re searching. it’s your one life, bend it to your will.

food count for july 26: spaghetti, cake, burger, golden morn.

water count for july 26: 150cl

p.s: i let myself off the hook the past couple days cos we’ve been in a celebratory, chill mode, but for the rest of the month, i won’t miss the deadline again.

i’m taking a breather at ardour. the djs have thoroughly fed me tonight. consider this waist whined to satisfaction. and i am not even done. lmao

it’s a shame we are all chemicals couldn’t make it. stay safe my queen. everybody is beautiful tonight, lovely lovely all around. i feel inspired for my set tomorrow.

duub came over today and we practiced a little. it started late and got really good when he had to leave. i am fighting principalities and powers to write this. mosquitoes and fatigued are a deadly combination. it’s like you’re sleeping in the bites.

i have moved seats now. i feel a little energised now. will go back inside. today/yesterday was cool overall. i hope your days were cool as well.

A count for july 24: noodles and suya

water count for july 24: 300+ cl

i have been thinking a lot about these daily entries and thinking about how i’m mostly doing a summary. and i wanted to know if it’ll be different if i did step-by-step updates instead of just waiting till night to write and trust my unreliable short-term memory (there’s a bunch of stuff i never tell you guys just because i forgot).

so i decided to text a couple of friends/acquaintances on twitter with updates about my day from the moment i woke up till a certain point in the day.

i didn’t text anyone who i consider a very close friend because i was trying to see what the reactions would be from people who i think are closer to the average reader of my medium entries: people who are, i believe, friendly to me, but aren’t involved in my day-to-day life.

i chose six people on twitter, and i gave them updates about my day. and yeah, it was pretty fun. only one of them knew that they were in an experiment.

but it was cool to talk to people. i always enjoy that. and also cool to see their reactions. they were sort of excited and very involved with the conversation. so there was lots of talking about how i was doing, how i was feeling, and just basically cheering me on through the day.

it was really fun. and yeah, i don’t know if i’m going to do it again because it was also kind of stressful having to text multiple people. but i did enjoy this particular one. so yeah, without further ado, this is how i spent my day in real time:

“i woke up around 5, then went back to bed and woke up again at 8-ish. the issue is i am still so tired because i actually slept around 4. i also suspect i am a little (teeny tiny itty bitty) hungover because i drank beer last night and not enough water. my head is banging. my plan is to clean my room, have a hot bath, and go back to bed (drinking lots of water and taking painkillers during this period of course).”

“okay, i’m ready to clean now. it took a while because i had to wash the mop like 4 times. it’s my fault the mop was smelling (the last time i used it, i got too lazy to take it out of the water for a while & it started to stink.)”

“& i have a smell thing — if everything around me isn’t at a particular “smell temperature,” it will literally fuck up my day. and it’s “good” smells too — like perfumes, air freshener etc. if my nose decides it’s bad, omo it’s bad. i’m lucky my house is incredibly breezy, so i can cross-ventilate all the time. anyways, i’m ready now, wish me good luck. our water count is at one purewater right now btw.”

“okay, so room is cleaned and the mop is washed well after use this time. it took even more time because i had to shift my dumbbells while sweeping and i got distracted and did a full arm workout. hashtag pump.”

“however, we have a slight problem. because the gas ran out while my brother was cooking last night, i can’t get hot water for my shower yet. the gas man should be on the way back now, but we have some time to kill before he comes back so i am going to wash my bathroom.”

“it shouldn’t take too long because i washed (most of) it yesterday, but there’s a lot of detergent residue on the floor right now and i didn’t do the walls. the goal is to tire myself out because i can only sleep when i am super exhausted. purewater count is 3 now.”

“everything clean, shower had and now i am eating. i am going to sleep after this and wake up at 2:45 cos i have a work call at 3. see you soon mwah”

“i’m still so sleepy. playing sudoku on the call. we’re on purewater number 5 now. my stomach is bloated because we’re also on our second beer.”

i stopped with the updates after that because my fingers were cramping and i wanted to keep playing sudoku instead of texting lol. but it was a cool day regardless. clean room, no smells and lots of hydrating. goodnight my loves, have a great night and a wonderful day tomorrow.

food count for july 23: rice and curry sauce.

water count for july 23: 400 cl!!! hehehe