You’re just like them.

You’re not into “forever”.

I’m one of them.

I just want an “ever”.

We sat in silence, my eyes drifting to the horizon. It wasn’t like any other day, the sky was splashed with a hue of pomegranate pink and tiny droplets ripped a hole in the clouds.

It was raining but we were still glued to the mat, neither of us bothering to make a move.

“We should do something about this.”

Soon enough, a familiar tune filled my eardrums, making me tingle inside.

Gravity by John Mayer.

“I love this song.” I whispered.

Sweeping sand off your khaki chinos, you held out a hand, gesturing for me to take it. You wanted a dance but I mistook it for the beginning of a journey.

As I completed the number with a dip, your intense gaze met mine and you whispered, “God, you’re beautiful.”

I could say the same for you as I allowed myself to drown in your hazel irises, the warmth of your touch setting my body ablaze.

You’re beyond beautiful.

Conversation topics became abundant. Poetry, art, books, sports, interests… I didn’t want to leave. You appeared reluctant too.

And at the end of the day, before I entered my house, you tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. So tender, so gentle.

“You’re so intelligent and beautiful. One of a kind.”

You said it like you meant it, that you truly thought I wasn’t like any other and I believed you.

“Are we even allowed up here?”

“Doesn’t matter. Trust me sweetie, you’ll love what’s behind those doors.”

Trust me. You meant it as a metaphor but I took it for a commitment. True to your word, I fell in love with the view. Especially with a rustic skyscraper that stood out like a sore thumb against the skyline.

“Some people are just like skyscrapers,” I blurted, with your face in mind.

“How so?”

“They seem so far away, so daunting. Something not anyone can achieve, but something everyone wants to be. But if you ever fall in love with a skyscraper, all you could possibly wish for is to be the last nail that holds the building together. Without it, a skyscraper, no matter how mighty, will fall.”

You held your hand to your chin, fingers lightly brushing your stubble as you processed my words.

“I never thought of it that way.”

I didn’t answer, my eyes fixated on the skyscraper. A brown bag appeared in front of me and as I looked to my right, you were there with that boyish grin and the mischievous glint in your eyes.

“I figured, you would love some extra reads.”

Yes, I did. And you have no idea how much my heart was thrashing wildly at your mild gesture.

Whipping out your phone, you tapped on the screen a couple of times and it’s that tune again. Gravity.

Once again, we shared a dance. This time it felt smoother, stronger, like there was an emotional connection attached to each movement. It almost felt like chemistry.

And as you pulled me towards you, our lips almost crashed. I had wanted it to. You gulped at our proximity, like you were a teenage schoolgirl that was even more nervous than me.

I was nervous too. I dare not breathe. And we stayed there, eyes not leaving each other’s. Even without the kiss, it felt like such an intimate moment. You were looking at me, at my soul, everything I could possibly offer.

“Sorry.” You pulled apart and broke the silence.

I wondered if you knew I wanted to be the nail, the last missing puzzle piece.

You would reply me essays, making me think that I was worth your time. You would call at random timings of the day just to check in on me. And every time you do, my heart would swoon and it would make my day.

At the end of the day, I was like a puppet on strings and you controlled me. One call and I would still be over in a second, running to your porch as if I wasn’t hurt when you didn’t turn up for our date last week.

Before I rang the doorbell, I smoothed my dress and checked my makeup in my compact mirror. I licked my lips nervously as I awaited your presence.

The door swung open and you weren’t dressed to go out. It was like a swift punch in gut as I foresaw what was about to happen.

“You’re here sweetie! Come on in and meet my friends. I’m teaching them how to dance, they love Gravity too.”

I’m always hungry.

I’m hungry for your pitch black irises that could hold my gaze and make me feel like I comprise of your entire world;

I’m hungry for your roman arch of a nose that brings you to the kitchen when I make your favourite pancakes;

I’m hungry for the tiny scar on your temple that I would kiss every night so that you never feel insecure;

I’m hungry for your peachy chapped lips that you nibble on whenever you are hard at work;

I’m hungry for your slim slender fingers that would entangle with mine when I flinch from a horror movie;

I’m hungry for your tight embrace that you pull me into before you fall into a deep slumber;

I’m hungry for your tanned muscular legs that would travel the distance just to buy me my favourite coffee after work;

But I’m not just hungry for you.

I’m hungry for the countries I’ve never visited, streets I’ve never wandered and food I’ve never tasted.

I’m hungry for the knowledge I’ve never acquired, languages I’ve never mastered and skills I’ve never learned.

I’m hungry for the dreams I’ve never achieved, visions I’ve never realised and goals I’ve never attained.

But at the end of the day, even if I had satisfied my hunger for everything, it wouldn’t be complete without you.

“Where have you been? I was worried sick.” I rushed to his side, peeling his mustard coat from his shivering body. He was drenched head to toe, lips paler than the moonlight on this stormy night.

“Out.” My throat constricted as I heard the same word I’ve been hearing for six years now. The raindrops attacked the window pane mercilessly, engulfing the deafening silence that laid between us.

It wasn’t like the soft, tender drops of spring. Like him, it was like the harsh, cold and painful winds of winter.

His eyes were devoid of emotion as he trudged emotionlessly to his room, water dripping fervently from his tailored suit that clung onto his lean body.

We don’t sleep together anymore. If it wasn’t for the band on my finger or the pictures laying above the shelf of the fireplace, it would have been hard to believe that we were married, for almost six years.

Maybe it’s the thought of being with someone I love that makes me think it’s worth it to stay. Maybe it’s the thought that I will one day be as important to him as he is to me, makes me want to stay.

One last attempt, or a futile one, I muttered under my breath. I stepped into his room gingerly, my legs losing strength as I inched closer and closer to his back view.

“You’re going to get a cold, Drew.” Expectedly, I achieved nothing more than his shoulders tensing up at the sound of his nickname. He doesn’t reply, his eyes not leaving the dark view outside of the window.

Suddenly, he spoke up. “Andrew.” The coarse voice cut straight through my heart like an insatiable fire that consumed all the oxygen in my body. Why did I even think he would talk to me?

“Andrew,” My voice wavering, “I’ll leave you to yourself.”

Taking small steps backwards, I allowed myself to get one last look at him. His luscious brown locks, his slumped shoulders and an empty soul. The soul that left six years ago.

Before I could close the door completely, Andrew croaked, “Wait, Sara.” Stopping in my tracks, I couldn’t believe my ears and my heart leapt with immense joy. He called me, my name.

I don’t remember the last time we kissed. The last time he held me like I was a porcelain doll that would break if handled wrongly. The last time he looked me in my eyes and told me, “I love you.”

But I do remember what made me fall in love with him, with Andrew. I was still a freshman in college and he was the new heart throb in school that danced with a fiery passion that drew me in completely. The way his body moves fluidly to every beat, boyish grin that stretches across his face when the song reaches the climax and how his face turns dead serious again when it reaches a tough part of the choreography. I could never forget that.

There was a competition and Andrew gave a winning speech on behalf of his team mates as the leader. He commented on the hard work every one had invested into the competition and how they would strive to be even better dancers. “And lastly, I would like to take this opportunity to be selfish and thank Sara for being by my side all these while.”

The crowd was buzzing with excitement at his sudden confession. The girl with freckles sprinkled across her cheekbones and auburn long hair became the center of attention. Everyone gazed at her in envy and awe because she was beautiful. Including me.

…

“Sara.” That’s when I snapped out of it. Andrew turning around to face me this time, his haggard calm face morphed into one of melancholy and worry. “You’re crying.”

The hot and moist tears that stained my freckled cheekbones were apparent to me now. I hadn’t realise that I had been crying.

“Sara,” Andrew repeated, his voice laced with worry. There was a sudden glint in his eyes and he shut his eyes firmly, pain etching his beautiful features. “No, Sadie.”

I’m not Sara? That’s right, for six years I have been painting the image that I was Sara, living in her shoes and believing that Andrew was still deeply in love with me. I’m… Sadie. Not the girl that was the center of attention. Not the girl that Andrew showered his love on. Just the girl with a deceased twin sister.

I was there when he needed someone. I was there to cushion his fall so he did not have to go through this pain alone. Even though I was emotionally devastated, I stayed strong for us. Sara would have wanted that.

But Andrew, he made me believe he had loved me. What I didn’t know was he had poured all the pain and love for Sara onto me, deluding himself that Sara was still alive just because I look exactly like her.

“I’m Sadie… I’m Sadie all along.” I whispered thoughtlessly. But this time, Andrew didn’t back away. He pulled me gently into his warm embrace, his calloused hands weaving through my auburn hair.

“I’m sorry to put you through this, Sadie. You don’t deserve any of this. For six years. You’ve done so much for me and I just can’t reciprocate it.” The guilt in his voice weighed heavily on my heart. I didn’t want his apology or him to feel bad for hurting me. I want him to love me. Because I love him.

My hands encircled his waist slowly, hoping this is not some sick twisted dream. Andrew was still drenched but it didn’t matter, he was real. He was in my arms and I felt a surge of energy run through me only to die off the moment he pulled me apart. I never knew I craved his touch so much.

“I can never make it up to you. So if you would just forgive me, I promise I’ll do the best I can.” That’s when I stood on my toes and kissed him, feeling him smile slightly through our connected lips. I relished in this moment, in which he tasted of rainwater and aged whiskey but it was intoxicating. He was intoxicating.

But I pulled away before I could let myself fall deeper. Andrew understood. He led me to the window and positioned me on his lap as we gazed at the stormy night sky.

It was magnificent how the grey clouds illuminate whenever a streak of lightning flashes through the sky, like a glimmer of hope during a dark time. No wonder Andrew loved the view.

“Do you think I should go? I can see her everyday, reaching out for me.”

With a faint smile and a fallen tear, I nodded softly. “Go. Take her hand.”

It’s true. I’m sure Sara misses him as much as he does. They will finally be together again. They deserve it, they deserve to find happiness because it’s true love.

Upon that, I felt a pair of strong arms around my waist. I turned around to look at him. His face was tear stricken but on it hung the most mesmerising smile I’ve ever seen him wear. It was evident that he was hopeful, it shined through his glistening eyes as he held my gaze.

Andrew had been diagnosed with leukemia but he refused treatment and medication despite my fervent pleads. He had mentioned that it was God’s will to bring him away from the pain of this world, back into Sara’s arms.

“I’m coming, Sara.” Andrew whispered to himself. Sara will be thrilled, I know she’ll be.

One day, I will find my true love that’s out there waiting for me. Hopefully someone that will set my heart free like a tropical bird from it’s steel cage, someone that makes me feel alive for a love that will defy everything, even death.