That is what I thought when I had a carload of stuff, a dog and a cat in my Dodge Challenger as I took the Washington/Fairfax exit off the 10.

I pulled up to the place, not knowing where to park. I parked the car in a parking spot in my apartment building. As you can see below it was not mine, ha!

I got Ginny and Darwin into the apartment first. Darwin, I carried in my arms because he was out of his kennel. Just remembering this, I feel that nervousness. I got both of my kids inside and then unpacked my car slowly, ensuring Darwin didn’t escape. I had no furniture. That was to be delivered in about 3 or 4 days. I slept on the floor using a sleeping bag and towels as a pillow. Darwin paced all night that first night. He couldn’t sleep.

The next day, I walked to the local Starbucks with my laptop just to get to the Internet and let folks know I was here.

That’s how it all started. 3 years ago almost to the day, I moved to Los Angeles.

A lot has happened since then. Less than a month in, I was on a sound stage in Orange County with a legendary actor by the name of Lance Henriksen. I became an executive producer and producer of principle photography (actual shoot of the film) for a film called Fragile Storm. Oh lord have mercy did I learn a lot from that. I made friends with this amazing writer Carly Street, who wrote the original script for Fragile Storm. She and I talk almost daily on Facebook about her new writing projects. I learn a lot about myself from her.

It has been a fun ride! In 2015, I took a writing class at iOWest and good lord was that a great adventure too! I learned so much about it. That summer, I took a script- writing workshop with Scott Meyers in Santa Monica. I learned yet even more about screenwriting! Later in 2015, I produced my first short film, Danny’s Apartment that I wrote!!

Onward, is one of my favorite words. I learned that word years ago from my friend Jenn. As I have done here, I kept moving onward. You see when you say “forward” one thinks of “backwards”. Onward has no antonym. I love that! As I have navigated Los Angeles in these 3 years that word always “speaks” to me. Always. In life you have to keep moving onward.

With that, I moved onward in my spiritual journey. I started going to Café Gratitude in Venice to meet with this healer and write. Her name is Sarah Garney, and she would do this grounding meditation openly in the restaurant, then we would just write after that. I have the audio of those grounding meditations still as they help me connect to my purpose and myself. In 3 years I have, in the words of my sweet friend Lori, I have dusted off my soul.

In that process, I swear I get 1 message a month on Facebook from my friends in Houston about moving to Los Angeles. And with open arms, I welcome them or refer them to people I trust in Houston to help guide them.

You see, peeling away the layers of who we are helps us become aligned with our true self. I started to learn about alignment when one of my neighbor’s friends got me hooked on the teachings of Abraham Hicks. Once you become aligned with who you truly are, abundance naturally flows to you.

These are the wonderful life lessons I have learned here in Los Angeles.

While it sounds perfect, it has not been to be sure. I have helped people here only to be ghosted, given food and shelter to some and to never hear from them again. But that’s OK. That is about them, not about me. I put my best foot forward and helped where I could and move onward.

I have been living off my retirement and while that is fun and gives me some sense of freedom, I am still seeking a job out here.

I do have producer job that I do for fun, not much money. I produce a screening of short films at Flappers Comedy club called “Show Your Shortz”. I earned more in 1 day at my old job in Houston than I have earned on this, but the joy I get from this show is priceless. I truly love connecting filmmakers with each other and seeing the gratitude from them in screening their short films. I have learned a lot about films watching a lot of short films in the 4 shows I have produced. It truly has been a joy and yet learning experience.

I have connected with some amazing people because of Fragile Storm. I still keep in contact with these amazing filmmakers who inspire me. One even has a her own film festival!!

So in 3 years, I have done what most out here do, come to work in the entertainment industry, and yet find out whom they truly are.

I’ve met celebrities, found my favorite restaurants. Right now I am searching for a job on a TV show. I even asked for a job on the game show “Lets Make A Deal” all because of the energy of the staff there. TV is where my first love is. I have friends here that are my family. Some know more about the film industry than me, but that never really bothers me. My first love is TV and has been. I have on my list of things to do out here among other things is to visit where they shot the TV show M*A*S*H. It’s a 3-mile hike that one of my friends posted on Instagram. I will get to work on a TV show and I am not worried about it.

As of this writing I sold my Challenger. I am going to give it a go without a car for a while. No more parking like this.

Like most things, I see how I feel when immersed in a situation and use that as a guidepost.

It has been fun no less. I constantly meet new people wherever I go, some I still keep in contact with and some I do not. I do have a group of friends that are my family here. When a holiday comes around, we are all making sure each other is taken care of.

I’ve gone camping on the beach which was ridiculous!!! Just wow!

I have learned so much about myself in these 3 years and while you may not have done what I have done, I am so grateful for all my choices that led me here to this point, writing this blog. All those lessons I’ve learned about myself have helped me grow and help me point to watching my thoughts. I am always growing, and lately I have woken up happy. For most they need things, jobs, circumstances to be happy and I have just been happy.

When I am happy things blossom and even my creativity opens up. I have had breakthroughs in my screenwriting. Those are good things to learn in life and I’m blessed that even though my retirement is dwindling I am still growing, living life to the fullest!

On Saturday night, there were bombings in and around the New York/New Jersey area. This is scary stuff indeed. Yet, here I was in a bar with a bunch of strangers and two of my friends. Nobody was talking about Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton or terrorists. There was no shouting opinions about the election or anything like that. It was all about football. We were even celebrating other teams accomplishments!!! That’s great sportsmanship and brings people together. I saw so much diversity in the crowd not just in terms of teams being rooted for but people of all ages, all backgrounds and races. It was a sight to behold to me. Everyone dressed in his or her favorite team gear, rooting for his or her favorite team. Even those rooting against the teams I was rooting for were represented. I am a 49ers and Texans fan. I sat next to a guy talking about Kansas City BBQ. (The Texans played the Chiefs). Now that’s a great conversation!!! It was hilarious!

You see the NFL has some off the field issues and this isn’t about that. This is about how it brings fans together on Sundays for a common cause. That is: our favorite team winning, not politics, not religion, not the state of the economy but sports. That is why I love sports and the NFL. It bridges the gaps that other things cannot. I know people who don’t like sports. I sort of feel sorry for them because sports have been in my blood since I was a kid. I saw my first MLB baseball game in 1968 as a young boy and been following sports ever since. It’s part of my life-blood and my culture and I’m damn proud of it. And right now, the political landscape, religious landscape and other things are so divisive, I found joy in celebrating touchdowns and tackles on Sunday in the NFL.

It’s been 2 years since I moved to Los Angeles. In that time I may not have worked for a corporation but I’ve produced an award winning short film, done some guerrilla film producing, written several short films (that are in still in the works), working on a feature screenplay and co-writing another feature screenplay. So I may not have made money, gotten a paycheck but I have worked.

What I do have is a belief in myself, a belief in my system of working and navigating the world and I practice it daily. I am in fully in love with life, my journey, and myself. Each feeling leads me to a thought, so why not think good feeling thoughts?

So how is Los Angeles these days now that I’ve gotten the preamble out of the way? It is great, it is glorious, it is magnificent and I’ve not done it all yet!

I’ve taken a bus to Santa Monica. That was cool! I’ve yet to take the train to Santa Monica but will do this for sure!! I’ve tried restaurants that are cool hip spots that even the locals and those that have been here awhile haven’t gone to.

Film Industry

What about the film industry? What about it? Well for me I am still learning the ropes and anyone in this industry will tell you there is so much to learn. I have learned that I love to write stories. I find stories every day and twice on Sunday! I always see a different angle. I’ve done my homework, taking an Aaron Sorkin online class, taken an in person feature script workshop and just plain old writing.

I’ve learned that people in the entertainment industry only like you if you can do something for them. This was a lesson my acting coach and friend John Lansch warned me about before I got here. That said, I have made true friends in the industry that manifested into amazing friendships that I cherish and have helped me grow as a human being. They know my flaws and still want to work with me and be my friend!!! That is priceless!

I’ve met people in the industry and people outside the industry. As I’ve told anyone moving here, find and have friends outside the industry. They keep you sane!

In the last year, I got to attend many film festivals in support of the amazing short film I helped produced called Fragile Storm. I have made so many connections, learned a lot about the festival circuit and honestly had a lot of fun in the process!

I’ve learned that the entertainment industry is a small group. Everybody knows everybody. There are lots of stories to tell here and no time to tell them. But this is the same in any industry. Have fun, create connections & see the greater good in your work!

Parking

I’ve learned that there are not flat parking lots here and that parking costs a ton of money. I wrote this piece on my not often updated howtoLA site. The city of Los Angeles has a study to correct this huge image problem in terms of making money on parking but still, it exists for a reason. I’ve plugged meters using my credit card more times than I can remember.

I’ve learned that you can be anything you want to be in this amazing city. I’ve heard countless stories of people creating a service that people want. One of my actress friends makes cannolis and sells them. If you have a service or a product you can be an entrepreneur in this city, not just the entertainment industry.

I’ve learned that everyone telling you what you should do out here is mostly about themselves, not about you. I’ve followed my own path and done quite well. Not made money, but I am happier than I’ve ever been. Again, that is priceless!

Transportation

I’ve learned that I love to walk everywhere here and I do like public transportation & Lyft. If I can walk there I will is my motto. I have a 2-mile radius around my apartment whereby I walk to places like LACMA, The Grove and my own grocery store. I love it and it gives me energy. I love Lyft because I get amazing stories and have made an occasional friendship with a driver. I’ve taken the bus to Santa Monica and that was cool! I want to ride the train all the way to the Santa Monica Pier. I even have a TAP card!

Survival Job

People out here that are working in the industry all have what they call survival jobs. It pays the bills why they keep working their craft. Myself, I have tried to get a job using my PeopleSoft skills that I have but that has not come to fruition yet. That said, that is my own doing because truthfully I am not fully aligned with that outcome. I do love having no boss each day and I incorporate my spiritual routine into my workday. I have it good, very good!!! I do wish for a retail job or some other survival job to accentuate my bank account and social life however.

Los Angeles and the surrounding area is a beautiful city with easily accessible beaches, mountains to hike, nightlife, restaurants, and to me: great people. It’s hard to believe it has been 2 years to the day that I moved here with a car full of stuff and 2 four-legged kids, but I did. Both are doing great. Darwin, my cat, has failing kidneys but he’s on a strict diet now to counteract that. Ginny still barks at the dogs walking by. My mornings are always cool and the afternoons warm.

I do miss the occasional thunderstorm because I love the lightning, the sound and feel of rain, but I don’t miss the bugs and humidity that comes with that.

I have learned that no matter where you go, your problems go with you and I’m no exception. That said, in the 2 years here, I have allowed myself to grow and each day all I ask of myself is that I get 1% better. I’ve discovered a spiritual but not religious way of thinking out here because of a friend of mine that I hang out with. It has helped me and that’s one of the great things about this city. There are churches, Buddhist chant groups, a monastery (I’ve visited one & meditated there) and more. It’s always open to your interpretation. Some make fun of this, but me I love that you can openly practice your way of thinking.

I am finally practicing my way of thinking that aligns with my true self. I’m just me, trying to be peaceful, wake up happy, in love with myself, and in love with my life. It’s a fun freaking journey and it is hard to believe I’ve been here 2 years.

Most blogs are external, rarely about themselves and these great things you should do; me, not so much. I am writing here because I have more lessons to learn. I put this information out so I can observe myself. I still want to help people but I do this in a way that helps me along the way too. To me that’s a win-win situation.

A basic Buddhist tenant is to watch your thoughts. This is just a natural extension of that. This is I expressing my thoughts, my fears and my joys in my life. I have a great life that I have built. But now I am going way outside my comfort zone to achieve things that are different. Each step of the way I question those decisions along the way.

How I get there, is to write blogs, observe my thoughts and write for me. This is not easy. This is not pontification either. This is me journaling my thoughts with the world to see. I get leery of what I call empty-vessel healers. People who help others when they are not healed themselves. That said, healing others helps heal thyself. But too often I see people who are all about everyone else but not about themselves. To be a best friend, a spouse, a significant other, a family member that can add value, healing thyself is key thus I’m here trying to work on myself by writing these blogs.

I’m like everyone else. I worry that I will make bad financial decisions. I worry about a lot of things. I know I preach that every thought matters. It does. I am practicing what I preach but sometimes I’m not perfect.

But in writing these blogs on my journey outside my comfort zone, it helps me discover myself more fully with many eyes upon me. Read this blog. See how many times I use the pronoun “I”. A lot. I write for me and if you get some wisdom from this, I’m very happy.

Most think I have it all figured out. I don’t. I just surround myself with good people that elevate me. Good people that can handle me when these doubts surface and shine the light on the good that exists. I like having people out there that want to break down my walls so I can heal and be the best person I can be. But as you read each of my blog posts here on Medium, know that it is I confirming my ideals, my thoughts and my journey on this pathway outside my comfort zone.

Thank you for listening.

This is a lifelong theme for me. I trace it back to my childhood. If you’ve read my posts here on Medium, you know I grew up in a 9-person household tucked away in a small town. To get anything, you had to collaborate and connect to your siblings, stepfamily and my brothers too. That was always a theme from working in the fields to running detassling crews. Connectivity and collaboration always made me feel like I was part of something bigger than myself.

Bigger than myself; I remember going to a park in Northeast Nebraska where the Niobrara River is. We stayed in a fully furnished cabin. However, the nights were extraordinary. You could see the Milky Way galaxy in all its glory. I love the night sky because it helps me realize my place on this planet called Earth. The night sky is bigger than myself.

I love collaborating on projects that are bigger than myself because I understand how people, through the power of community, can do things bigger than themselves. I love absolutely love that!

I survived 25 years in IT by using connectivity and collaboration. My work was never about me but about the big picture. My favorite manager I ever had taught me this lesson. I had to see the big picture before I would be fully engaged in a project no matter how big or small. That was a huge lesson on my life journey and I am very grateful for that. I still email her to thank her for that lesson. Even while I while I was still working in IT, I started my film-producing career. It turns out that connectivity and collaboration is a key driver in getting a film finished.

Connectivity is something I excel at and that goes back to being in that 9-person household. You had to know how to converse to get your voice heard and it taught me how to connect to people on a very real level. Moreover, because my parents divorce was a shock to my system, like a death in the family for 8 year old me, I had to figure out coping skills. Some people chose the rebel path, some go introverted, and some act out. For me, I chose connectivity and collaboration. That was my mechanism to keep some sense of harmony for my own fragile psyche dealing with not only trauma of not living with my mom anymore, but adding siblings to an already crowded house. There was a lot of emotional violence there in the first few years after my father remarried. However, my use of connectivity and collaboration helped me forge a best friend bond with my younger stepbrother. We had tons of fun, but it came down to connecting to him and collaborating. We did all kinds of things like play baseball, football, basketball, our own outdoors version of racquetball and so on. For those that know my love of sports that is where it was started.

Each stage in life those life skills I used to cope with the shock to my familial structure helped carry me to the next phase. Here I sit, on the cusp of a new chapter of connection and collaboration.

I had a conversation last night with my friends here in Los Angeles. My insides lit up like a Christmas tree with the mere mention of more connection and collaboration. This morning, I got questions from a friend of mine about a part of the film industry. I wrote a long email and it is the beginning of yet another collaboration.

It is very nice that my coping skills learned at a very young age is now helping me building a new career. To be truthful, I had lost my zest for the film industry lately. Wasn’t sure I wanted to continue on, but the mere mention of collaboration and connection keeps me going. I love working on stuff that is bigger than me and to be honest I love leading people. It provides me a ton of energy and I learn about myself in the process.

Thank you for listening.

This thought has been on my mind lately. I personally don’t struggle with it. Yet I see a lot of marketers label themselves as influencers or thought leaders, or direct you to go to “influencers” in your area. My twitter feed is littered with this nonsense.

I’m all for seeking out others to help guide your path to greater heights. What I’m not about is allowing others to take over my thoughts. They cannot as they are not in my mind. As Deepak Chopra says “Your entire universe is in your mind and nowhere else.

To expand the universe, expand your mind.” For me, all my thoughts are my own. All my choices, good and bad, are my own. Nobody influences them or leads my thoughts. Treating one as sacred means owning your own thoughts.

Add to this, one of the universal truths is that other people are mirrors for ourselves.

Really think about this long and hard. Have you ever been in a conversation and either liked something about someone or disliked about someone? I have. Usually, they are mirroring back things that I like or dislike about myself. Thus, they mirror back my own thoughts that I already have.

If I already have my own thoughts, how can someone influence them? If we are told to seek out “influencers” or “thought leaders”, we are being led to someone who basically shines a flashlight on our own thoughts.

Those thoughts are already there. Sometimes we don’t see them because of other thoughts being in the way. This is why I love meditation. It stops thoughts altogether. When the mind becomes still you awaken to new heights, your mind is free of clutter. Afterwards new thoughts will appear because you slowed your mind to a crawl. Those thoughts you told to you by an “influencer” were already there just awakened by your own serene mind.

Your mind is your universe. Own your thoughts. Meditate and influence yourself. Don’t wait for someone who is trying to make a dollar tell you how to think. Quiet your mind and open up your universe to all the possibilities that exist already in your mind.

Much love and peace.

There are probably 10,000 blogs out there about success. Most of them probably spot on and deservedly so. However, given that our double helix (DNA) is different, I thought I’d offer my perspective on what success is.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend of mine and asked that we both journal about what success means to each of us. We are going to compare notes on our perspectives. That’s what spurred this on in conjunction with my journal.

As I spell out my version of success, I ask that you look at yours. My only requisite is that it has to be internal to you. The arrow has to be inward. It can’t be outward leaving a shell of you in the wake. For instance, my four-legged kids being healthy are something I want but it doesn’t fit into my version of success. That is an external measure.

Similarly, I also ask that you forget about money. We all want financial independence, that’s not unique. We all want our kids (four-legged or two-legged) to be happy and have the tools to navigate their unique society with grace and beauty.

To summarize, anything external is forbidden. Now I know that’s hard. It is hard for me. Most of my life I have been a people pleaser (fear of abandonment issues). Yes, I help others and that feeds me, but sometimes I do it for selfish reasons. I do it for attention & inner validation. If someone reads my tweet or likes my post, I feel validated. After 51 years I’m starting to live in IDGAF (I don’t give a F) land. It’s a beautiful place to live. It also is a very fearless place to live. These days it’s harder because of all the political correctness, but I don’t really care. For years, I cared about what others thought almost to an extreme; especially with my relationships with women (yay abandonment issues).

Now I am looking at success and this is one of my key measures. What is my motivation for doing things? I’m writing this blog mostly for me. I need to define my measure of success. It’s for me. It is my mind offloading a definition of success for me to ponder today, April 15, 2016.

In doing so, I have to adhere to the requisites. It can’t be external in any way or about money. Sounds hard to accomplish this, right? Yeah, as I type away on the keyboard this is hard for me.

As I said above, one of my measures for success is awareness of my motivation for my choices and my thoughts. One of my projects is the #EVERYTHOUGHTMATTERS movement. All of our thoughts matter. Indeed being aware of your thoughts is key. I tweeted earlier today that negative thoughts happen, it’s what we do with them that matters. So being aware of my thoughts and motivation is a definition of success.

Add to that, being peaceful & calm is a definition of success for me. This is being present in the moment. One time, I was lying down, and my cat Darwin was laying on the pillow next to my head trying to get as close to my head as possible. I stopped all thoughts & just was in that moment, being grateful that he wanted to purr & share his love. That is being present in the moment. I think about all the times in childhood & adulthood that I experienced. If I was more present in that moment, not in the past or future, how I could recollect those memories easily, like I just did with Darwin. I just remember that well because I was totally present.

Another measure of success is being in love with my life. There are several phases you can get.

I like my life → I love my life → I am in love with my life

Being in that mindset is a key measure for me. There are times that when I walk around this tiny apartment in Los Angeles and think “I love my life”. I’ll say it out loud. Now I’ve been saying “I’m in love with my life”. I’ve heard myself say it out loud in the 19 months that I’ve lived here.

That in turns leads to being in love with myself. That’s a key measure of success for me. This is about accepting myself as whole with all my great strengths and weaknesses and owning both. I, being in love with myself mean I am sacred and that I’ve created a fortress for myself. This fortress is permeable mind you, permeated by real love, real kindness. Once I know how this feels, this will help me attract the right kind of whole minded people into my life who treat themselves as sacred, like me. This is a work in progress. Right now I am attracting some of the wrong types because of me feeling “broken” and not working hard enough on my weaknesses. I know this but it is scary to face your weaknesses. I am doing things like journaling and meditating to help.

One key one that I forgot was my health. Living in Los Angeles, you learn a lot about food, how it’s prepared, where it’s grown and so on. You cannot help but learn about what you eat. Add to that this city is crazy about fitness. Both of those are added values of living here. So much awareness around these that it elevates your game in terms of what we eat and how we exercise. I am very grateful for it. Therefore being healthy is a key component to being successful because I love walking around this beautiful city, like 5 miles a day and eating healthy food, organic when I can. This is very important to my success as a human being.

If you put those altogether you get to a point of being in equilibrium with the universe. To me that visualization feels like a harmonic convergence inside my soul. That’s success to me.

To summarize it all for myself, this is my current version of success.

What is yours?

Find me on twitter or snapchat and drop me your thoughts on your version of success.

Recently I caught up with a friend I knew from high school. She has known me since 1981. We lost touch, probably my fault. Anyway, she told me this sentence, “You never stay long enough for the grass to grow.” Profound thought that has sat in the back of my mind since she typed that to me on Facebook.

Recently, I read this blog by James Altucher about his version of minimalism. He basically is a nomad, not staying anywhere long enough for the grass to grow. It appeals to me to live that type of life living out of a suitcase or in a tiny home, not waiting for the grass to grow.

I grew up in a very small town called Callender, Iowa. I stayed long enough for grass to grow. 17 years is a long time to me and trust me, I mowed a lot of grass. After my freshman fall semester at a local junior college, I moved to Omaha to be closer to my family & more importantly my mother. I stayed in Omaha for 17 years, got married, bought a house, entered the computer programming profession and prospered by most people’s standards. The grass did grow and again I mowed a lot of it. The ex-wife and I moved to Oklahoma City so she could pursue a Masters degree there. That’s when the running began.

I sat this morning reflecting upon myself. I was journaling for the first time since I got sick on March 9. I couldn’t stop writing. But a key theme came up. It was running. I looked into that horrible mirror of myself. Deep inside my soul to see if in fact I do run or I “do run run run ah do run run”. Reality is facing my hard truths.

Like my divorce for instance; my stock answer for that is that we grew apart. To be honest, I was remembering this morning our therapy sessions trying to mend fences. My identifying word was comfort. I was freaked out about the prospect of living in Oklahoma City for the rest of my life. That wasn’t comfort. That was scary. Now Oklahoma City is not bad at all. It’s a nice city, with a NBA franchise; the NCAA Softball World Series; it had lots to offer. We lived in the suburb of Edmond where there was a church on every corner. Now that’s a reason to run if there ever was one. The ex and I were atheists so we would spontaneously combust if we set foot in one of those. However Edmond was a perfect bedroom city to have that white house, picket fence, and two kids in the back yard. They had great schools and colleges and Norman, the Home of Oklahoma University, was just down the road. It turns out there was a lot of comfort in OKC. So why was I freaked out about it? But today’s journaling session revealed that I ran. Instead of working through the issues of the marriage, I ran. The surface level answer of not wanting to live in OKC was a blatant lie. The real reason is that I ran.

After OKC and the divorce I moved to Houston. I knew 3 people in Houston from my work there. Turns out 2 of the 3 flaked on me. As Meatloaf says, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. I lasted 12 years in Houston. The grass did grow there and yeah I mowed a lot. I went from not knowing anyone to lifelong friends that I still talk to & cherish.

Relationships? You’ve got to be kidding me. Now, this is where this story gets good. Well good for you the reader, for me not so much. Anyway, I had several girlfriends during my 12 years in Houston. Each time I got close to a commitment, I ran, like clockwork. This is my harsh reality as I wrote in my journal today. I could line them all up & tell you the stories but that’s just lame to me and not fair to the ladies. My reality for each of them is that I ran.

Add another layer of fear of abandonment and that just seems to contradict the running. How come I didn’t get super duper clingy? Not sure. Instead of finding out what was outside of my comfort zone, I ran. I know this now because true joy in life exists outside your comfort zone. Even in relationships, you have to get uncomfortable to reach new heights.

Now you may define relationships by time. I define them by feeling. Always have. My favorite way to describe this is the scene from City Slickers. You have to watch Curly’s response to being in love.

Curly talking about love in the movie City Slickers.

That’s all you need to know how I define love and relationships. You can have your man-made time limits; I’ll keep this by my side.

Being away from the corporate world has given me some time to reflect & journal about my daily life. I am always grateful for that and that line always ends up in my gratitude journal. Even further I do long-form journaling about my truths like fear, ordinary, and now running. This reveals that in my relationships I’ve run. I made those choices and I own them. To be frank, this is a quite vulnerable statement to make online, but here I am.

In revealing these online, it helps me own them even more. And it gives me the chance to heal and recognize those warning signs when I ran, I ran so far away. (You can enjoy that song below.)

I Ran So Far Away

In healing I can write my own life story from this moment forward. I have a picture on my desk that says just that “write your own life story” with a picture of a typewriter. In revealing my truths, some good, some bad, I am healing and writing my own life story.

As always, thank you for listening.

With no special or distinctive features; normal is what it says. I weigh that heavily as I’ve always wanted to stand out.

I grew up in a house with 9 people in it. My father remarried, she had 2 boys and a girl; my father had 4 boys; a real Brady Bunch back in the 70’s.

As you can see, what I did had to mean something. If I was ordinary I didn’t stand out, I didn’t get praise and all those things you want and need as a child from your parents.

As an adult, everywhere I went in the working world, I tried to stand out. I survived 25 years in a heavily changing Information Technology (IT) world by standing out. My not being ordinary helped me get promotions and raises and adapt to the fast changing technology from dumb terminals to Internet apps.

In Houston, as a hobbyist filmmaker, I wasn’t ordinary. It was a cool thing to do and it fed my inner need for knowledge. It separated me from the people I worked with. I felt special. (That’s a whole different blog post that’s on my list.) It was something I could learn that is fun and I was able to show my wacky sense of humor but also tell impacting stories. I wasn’t ordinary. We had tons of filmmakers, writers; all great people making features, short films and having fun doing it. There’s nothing ordinary about that.

In Los Angeles, as a filmmaker, you are one face in the crowd. Everybody is making a short film, a web series, feature film, writing screenplays, doing improv, doing comedy, and the list goes on. This is an entire industry where everybody is ordinary. Everyone is a face in that crowd of the entertainment business.

I am having trouble putting on that ordinary jacket here. I had long sessions with my therapist in Houston about this long before I got to Los Angeles. We talked about being ordinary. It just doesn’t fit right, like that jacket. Yet, to be extraordinary, I have to start by being ordinary. I have to fit into the crowd, be a faceless creature in this sea of filmmakers, actors, writers, directors and so on. I love being unique. Who amongst us doesn’t want to be special? I do. It’s something I worked at in our Brady Bunch household. It’s something I’m trying to keep here in Los Angeles.

To find the ordinary is one of my key challenges in this move to Los Angeles. I have to make that work for me. I have to start out being ordinary to become extraordinary.

It’s early Sunday morning. I’ve barely had coffee, walked the dog, ate breakfast, took vitamins and here I sit thinking about FEAR. False evidence appearing real.

Fear is driven by the ego as you can see below.

Fear is just that, the ego trying to get you to live in the past or the future, not the present moment. We all have fears and the ego is running them like the Wizard from the Wizard of Oz with it’s fancy keyboard and monitor, dialing them up when decisions are made.

For the longest time, I have feared running out of money. Not sure why this is as back in 1984 I quit college to move in with my girlfriend. I took 2 jobs, Food-4-Less and Burger King. I had no car. I walked to work, 5 miles. (Yes it was 5 miles and I measured it, ha!) We didn’t have a lot of money, so that cannot be it.

In 1988, I started my computer programming career and my salary escalated rapidly. By the time I finished my IT career 25 years later I was making 125k a year. I always had money, so that can’t be it.

In 2011 I hired a life coach. One of the first things she asked me was about money. Oh my god did my fear kick in right about then. Fast forward to 2016, almost 2 years after my job got eliminated that fear is back.

I have money in savings and a 401k that I’ve not touched yet. I produced, with a lot of help, a very successful short film and several other films while in Los Angeles.

So all that said and yeah it is a lot, I still have that fear. One thing I learned while going through being jobless for 2 years how to curate ideas from Claudia Altucher and her book “How to Become an Idea Machine”. I have tons of ideas. I want to start several businesses. Even with all those ideas, written down, that fear is there.

Yet here I sit back in that fear that I’ll be living in a van down by the river. There are tons of inspirational quotes about fear. Blah. I even have amazing friends that are successful entrepreneurs in the social media space. One wrote a blog about making decisions and it hit home. This quote via Victoria Taylor hit home for me:

Isn’t it better to deal with the consequence of a decision made rather than agonising over the ‘what if’s’ of something that may never happen? — Victoria Taylor

I get to that point of agonizing and wonder am I throwing away money. I’m thinking it has to be a sure bet. Starting businesses is never a sure bet.

Speaking of a sure bet, rewind to when I was dating my ex-wife back in 1993. Her best friend was dating a buddy of mine that I worked with. Even then I had fear. Even then I wanted a sure bet so I was peppering him with questions like “does she like me” “does she want to marry me” all those crazy questions. I wanted a sure bet when I proposed. I did propose and it was a sure bet, but it was driven by fear.

Furthermore, rewind to anyone I’ve dated. I fear rejection. Easy for someone to tell me there are other fish in the sea, yet I get stuck in the mud far away from the sea.

As you can see fear can dictate decisions in life. I sit here frozen in fear in investing in my business ideas, some small, some big. Some I need no investors, some I do. Add to that even in the film business, crowdfunding or using my own money to make a film means making sure you give your donors (key word) something for their donation. A ROI (return on investment) is key for me when I start a business or film.

This is where fear kicks in and kicks me in the ass. I become dormant instead of being out there trying new stuff. I know I have tons of stuff I can do. I let fear and worry get in the way of that because you know, I may be living in a van down by the river.

In life there are no sure bets. I know I have to get over that. I’ve been telling my friend that you have to jump & build your wings on your way down. Sound advice for my own self.

About the only place I don’t have fear is in my writing. When I write I am fearless because I don’t care about outcomes, I just care about the process. If only that applied to all of my life, ha!

There are days where I want to move back to Houston, produce films as a hobby & have a nice place with all the amenities. But you know what that is? It’s a comfort zone. There it is again, the ego, wanting to be comfortable. Yes, there are tons of quotes about your comfort zone. Greatness exists outside of your comfort zone. Just as two years ago, I sold my house & moved Los Angeles like Jed Clampett but with less money. I faced that fear of relocating. It was not as bad as I’ve done it before. Here I sit ready to jump. But will I?