There will come a time

Where you can look back on this

Without breaking down.

Sometimes running away is exactly what you need to do.

When life hits the proverbial fan and you want to run away from it all, people always tell you to face it head-on and wager a war. It is a battle to the (symbolic) death and if you come out on top you are this stronger, wiser person, battle-scarred and knocked about, but still this warrior.

I’d like to say I have done that in all of my life challenges but that would be a lie. I am a bit of a wuss actually and have perfected the art of running away from horrible situations and licking my wounds in private, with a sizable distance between myself and said situation.

I’ll give you an example.

At age 30 the relationship I was in combusted into a million pieces. It had been an exhausting partnership and I had spent a good few years trying to be wanted and indispensable to this person. The truth was they didn’t love me, but hadn’t worked out how to be without me either. I had tried on numerous occasions to end it but they insisted we should work through.

The day it ended was strange because I experienced a set of panic attacks; one at work, the second at my parent’s house, and the third on my bed at home. I had never had one before so it was terrifying.

It was on my bed, with intense waves rushing over me, my muscles tightened, that I heard,

I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time.

Ignoring my current state they started to talk about how they were very fond of me but did not love me. I fell into the usual pattern of our relationship by comforting this person while they cried and went into explicit detail of how they had wanted to end things with me for months, but couldn’t because my grandmother was dying, and then because my brother had just got married and they didn’t want me to attend it alone.

I immediately packed my bags and said goodbye to my home of three years.

After leaving the house that day, I went back only once more to pick up the rest of my belongings. I never saw that person again.

My friends and family rallied around me and got me in front of a doctor. My heart was racing constantly, my hands were in permanent fists, and my elbows ached from feeling locked to my sides. I remember being asked how I was feeling and my response being,

I just want to scream.

I had so much emotion swirling inside and I was physically exhausted. The doctor explained that the years, literal YEARS of me giving everything to another (undeserving) person had left me running on fumes and I was given something to relax my body.

I took a lung full of air, finally able to breathe. I experienced a degree of clarity and looked at my current position. I knew something had to change for me to move forward. With that in mind, I did something a bit drastic.

I ran away to a small country called China.

I cannot put into words how far removed this was to anything I had ever anticipated in my life, having had zero interest in visiting China before. I was following family who already lived there, having nothing to lose since I felt already lost. I refused to accept I was even going until I was sat on the plane.

During that flight, I felt like a soggy, deflated balloon. A soggy deflated ballon in first class, because the sorry state of me must have made the airline feel pity, giving me a sneaky upgrade.

I landed in a completely alien, foreign land. The realisation that you are that far away from home doesn’t sink in for a long time. I had done it though, and now it was time to start over again.

Nearly a decade later…

In eight years, plenty of changes took place:

• Emotionally I broke myself down and built myself back up. I worked out my patterns and boundaries and stuck to them. I dated people and split with people. Sometimes it hurt beyond measure and I did my standard cancel/continue technique of running, though this was now more productive, putting my time and efforts into better living, and better prospects.
• I realised which people were good for me, which people were not and made adjustments. Close friends became closer, and new friends became family. I am still rubbish at confrontation and I have vague lingering anxiety so I am always questioning and wondering what decisions to make. My close people band around me and are amazing compasses.
• I decided to devote my free energy to developing myself professionally and became fully qualified as a teacher. I am now about to tackle the dreaded masters, (maybe, I haven’t quite decided what in yet).
• I met a person and we grew together and weathered many storms. We moved to a new country where we experienced the ups and downs that come with new surroundings and learning about each other.
• We battled through a global pandemic, with love, compassion, humour and dance-offs.
• I was proposed to, I said yes, and I am planning a marriage, once COVID-19 is no longer a threat.

Time to lay down some roots.

This is a new feeling for me and I am gently probing it, testing the waters. I am sure I will indulge in the occasional small sprint, but on the whole, I am feeling an urge to slow down and look around.

Running away saved my life. I do not doubt that getting away forced me to look at the world differently and surround myself with better people.

Sometimes running is exactly what you need to do. I was running away for 8 years. Maybe I wasn’t running from, maybe I was running to, but I don’t regret a single stride.

It led me to here, to them, to him.

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A haiku about strength in adversity

Tears have stained our cheeks,

Stress has trickled through our bones,

But we will push through.

Perseverance was originally published in ILLUMINATION on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The mind of an inattentive person

I am listening.

Though my thoughts begin twisting,

Knotting all the words.

Haiku Prompt: Consumed

It washed over me

Pressing hard upon my soul

Squeezing joy away

Fridays I’m in love

Friday is a gift

Promising you two days rest.

Monday… not so much.

A haiku on snuggling down

Don’t discount the rain

There is no better weather

For a blanket fort.

Please let us fit.

Am I good enough?

What do you need me to do

For you to want me?

Every day is taco day

I don’t have to wait

For Tuesday to eat Tacos

Every day works too.

Why are your feathers ruffled so?

Your supremacy

Is rippling inside you

Dripping on your heart.