I hope you are all having a good week thus far as we enter the mid week madness 😜

I personally haven’t got as much energy this Thursday but we are once again back for another weekly channeled message.

Today’s reading will focus on self love, care and nourishment. How can you give yourself more grace? Show yourself more appreciation and compassion? Let’s find out 👇

Please select pile 1, 2 or 3 and then scroll to your reading ✨

{please note that there will be no video reading this week due to some technical difficulties.}

~~~~~

Pile 1 – Pink Tourmaline

Hello pile 1, welcome to your reading. Settle in, grab a cuppa and enjoy this little energy update dedicated to your self care. 🫶

The cards:

07, The limo

5 of roses, competition

Queen of roses, the beauty queen

5 of rings, insecurity

This message is heavily focusing on comparison and self esteem. In order to better show up for yourself, a shift in focus is needed. You have spent too much time comparing yourself to others, whether it be your body, your face, your clothes, status, flaws or achievements. As we all know, comparison is the thief of joy and often leaves us in a perpetual state of disappointment.

Ultimately, you are being gently guided to remove the blindfold from your eyes that prevents you from seeing how beautiful you truly are and of course, remember that what you see in others also exists in you.

On another note, perhaps you are feeling uninspired and overwhelmed. Your priorities may be too entangled with how you and your life itself looks rather than focusing on how it feels.

If you find that you are often stuck in front of the mirror critiquing your body, shaming yourself or wondering how others can achieve a state of “flawlessness” remember that nobody is truly without flaw and that the pursuit of constant beauty and perfection is, for the vast majority of us, unattainable.

There are many aspects to your being that hold value and make you intrinsically lovable. You are likely a very giving and helpful person, always lending a hand or a listening ear. What you do for others should be valued and if at any point you realise that you are feeling drained quite often, remember that you are allowed to step back and give yourself space. Those who respect your boundaries are the ones to keep around.

Carrying tourmaline on your person can assist with boundaries and protective energy, as well as grounding during times of overwhelm.

Do try and remember that in order to be of worth you merely have to be

There is nothing else that you need to do, noting you need to achieve or change in order to have value in this world.

The sacral chakra and your divine feminine are also asking you to sit with yourself more often and spend time with your emotions.

If you are lacking inspiration, draw from your internal well of knowledge. You have the answers to what can bring you out of a funk, they lie just beneath the surface. Getting in tune with receptivity and listening to your gut instinct will unlock this for you.

You deserve to follow your passions and get inspired! Rather than focusing on what you feel is wrong about you, zoom out and look at all that is right!

I hope this reading resonated with you pile 1. Thank you so much for tuning in. ✨🫶

~~~

Pile 2 – Rose quartz

Welcome pile 2, to your self love reading. I hope you are ready for some much needed spiritual tlc. 😊

The cards –

13, the end

Page of flutes, the daydreamer

10 of flutes, proposal

10 of rings, hometowns

Right now it’s time to recognise the good in both endings and beginnings. Allow yourself the grace and time to respect any chapters that are closing whilst still allowing yourself to dream of new opportunities. For every closing door, there is another to be opened.

How you can nurture yourself is by getting in touch with the dreamer in you. Your inner child, your most imaginative and playful self.

This optimistic energy will allow you to see what new surprising events could unfold in the future. If you are moving away or perhaps back to your hometown, this may invoke some feelings within you. For some it may be a point of tension but for others it will be comforting and restorative.

Some things are coming to an end and whilst endings can be difficult, multiple emotions can exist at once. Allow yourself to say goodbye to old chapters, feel what you feel without forcing positivity or denying it entirely.

Spending time with close loved ones, whether family or friends will likely bring a lot of joy. Take a trip to your hometown, visit parents, grandparents or siblings. Maybe even a childhood fur baby. Getting in touch with those closest to you will allow you to feel nurtured and supported, especially after some tough chapters.

I would also recommend spending time in cosy spaces, care for your home and your space. Take a bath, create a cozy and relaxing space for yourself at home.

Devote a little love to your house as well. It could be anything from adding a new candle to your collection or baking something nice for you and your family. I feel as if this is a great time to let gentleness guide you and don’t be afraid to be a little luxurious as we have 10 of flutes (cups) and 10 of rings (pentacles). Even splurging a little would be encouraged, if that is something you feel comfortable doing. Buy yourself something nice or take a trip!

Pile 2 there is a lot of homey cozy Gilmore girls vibes here for you so take advantage of it during this chapter and allow yourself to be pampered.

Thank you for reading pile 2, enjoy yourself this season and take some time off! 💛

~~~

Pile 3- Rhodonite

Hi there pile 3! Let’s see what the cards have in store for you. 🥰

The cards –

Knight of mirrors, the meathead

6 of flutes, butterflies

9 of roses, meeting parents

10 of mirrors, rejected

Pile 3 I’m not going to lie, this does seem like an unfortunate series of events rather than a self love session but never fear, there is a better message here 🤣

As this is a self care oriented reading I want you to encourage showing respect and gratitude towards yourself during this time.

If you have been through difficulties (whether they be connected to a breakup or something other) your struggles will not prevail, you will overcome them.

Nurture your vitality at this time, even if your energy feels lower than usual or that inspired and connected synergy feels vacant. Remember that you can always re light that fire in you and come back to self.

Your energy may have been sapped recently pile 3, you likely have felt a little disappointed by something or someone and whilst the situation feels a little hopeless, the sun will always rise again.

Pat yourself on the back for your resilience! You have endured a lot energetically and deserve recognition for that.

Trials will be coming to an end and after all is said and done you will be able to say “I survived this shit!”

In order to care for yourself pile 3, focus on how you think and how you speak to yourself. Pay attention to your mind and internal dialogue. What sort of mentality have you adopted towards yourself? Check in and try and remember to speak with kindness.

You are doing a great job! I feel like you needed to hear that.

I would also prioritise sleep this chapter. Ensure you are replenishing your energy levels, get proper sleep, eat well, take practical care of yourself each day.

This will allow you to better move through what trials you are facing currently.

Set up boundaries with others to prevent any negativity being sent your way -whether intentional or subconscious-avoid gossip or information overload this season as it won’t do you any good to hear what others have to say about you or your situation. Especially for those of you going through difficulties. Speak kindly to yourself and don’t listen to anybody who doesn’t speak kindly to you. You deserve better communication and respect so get to setting those boundaries.

Overall pile 3 I feel as if you need to be less self critical and give yourself more credit! You have done well enough thus far and you will continue to do so, take care of yourself, practice some mirror work – showing up for yourself each day and speaking kindly to your reflection can assist in rewiring your self oriented thoughts.

You’ve got this. 🫶

I hope you found this reading valuable pile 3, thank you so much for reading and remember you’re a baddie ✨

~~~

Thanks for reading guys! I hope you found something meaningful here and do let me know your thoughts down in the comments!

-Kira 💖

Welcome to this channeled tarot pick a card. Today we are focusing on a message from your shadow, your inner world & subconscious mind.

How this will work:

Select Pile 1, 2 or 3 from the image and then scroll to your reading!

These messages are for the collective so please keep in mind that there will be different messages for different people. However the pile should still resonate if it is meant for you.

Enjoy!

~~~~

Pile 1 – Angelite 🪽

Angelite is a crystal of serenity, deep calm and soothing energies. This crystal can also help you connect with or deepen communication with angelic guides.

The cards:

4 of wands

8 of wands

Queen of swords reversed

Queen of wands

3 of cups reversed

There is a lot of abundance around you, whether that be through your circle of friends, community or family. This abundance heralds a very busy time but it is also a very fun time. During this time however there could be a lot of mental energy expenditure that leaves you feeling as if your head is spinning as everything is happening quite fast. Friends may be getting married, moving away, planning trips or buying houses and starting families, you could be attending a fair few social gatherings or important events. The queen of swords reversed indicates that something has blurred your vision, clouded your judgement and left you in a sort of discombobulated state. The changes happening within your community may leave you asking where your personal abundance is, when will it be your time to shine? Where is your happily ever after? Perhaps you have even felt disconnected from community because of these changes that have occurred for others and not yet yourself.

The sudden ending of a connection from the past may have left you guarded and cautious in love. This may also have been a friendship breakup for some that left you casting judgement and resentment towards the concept of loving reciprocal romantic and platonic connections.

The past hurt has been holding you back from allowing these feelings of passion, creativity and expansion to re enter your life again. Balance needs to be restored.

You will feel happy again, you will encounter new loving and fulfilling relationships that expand your horizons with the Jupiter card coming out reminding you to be curious, open hearted and playful.

Whatever this connection was that you were building and placing your trust into, know that it is not destined to replay in the future. You may allow your heart to open up again without the assumption that you are destined for hurt or betrayal. New love may surprise you, new friendships may as well.

Remain receptive as your shadow self asks you to dive into what judgements you cast by default that are based on past hurt.

Thank you Pile 1 ✨

~~~~

Pile 2 – Apache tear 🖤

Apache tear aids us with heavy emotions, carries us through grief and distressing times whilst dispelling negative energies.

The cards:

3 of pentacles reversed

Queen of pentacles

9 of swords reversed

7 of swords reversed

Page of cups

A disconnection between harmonious give and take is occurring right now, likely in your career. On one hand you may be pouring far too much of yourself into work whilst receiving very little and on another you may be holding onto the reigns too tightly.

You have built a safe and successful place for yourself, perhaps devoted yourself to one career for a very long time. You know your way around however this energy is draining you quite immensely.

For some of you this is about shifting away from a career or environment where others sap your energy and take advantage of you. Perhaps there are some dishonest individuals in your workplace or even under your own roof. Often asking for money, asking for assistance, asking and asking and taking and taking in a way that is deceptive and intentionally greedy.

For others of you there is a need to start trusting those around you to carry some of the load. You might know what you are doing and the beaten path has worked thus far but burn out can only take you so far. Others may have ideas you seldom acknowledge that might be worth employing. Either way, there is a chink in the chain of reciprocal energy.

Heavy feelings around you will be eased when you decide to leave this environment through finding new work or retirement, closing a chapter or cutting off any leeches that may be attached to you (metaphorically speaking) alternatively, you may simply need to trust that others know what they are doing and can help add fuel to the fire of abundance you’ve got going.

A new cycle is going to start but you need to release heavy baggage and stress in order to allow space for new seeds to be planted and eventual growth.

For those of you dealing with uninspiring and energy draining careers, walking away may invoke a sort of grief after years of dedication to the cause, however, a new chapter awaits and whilst the unknown is scary, unpredictable and requires trust, know that it’s worth the leap of faith.

Thank you pile 2 🫶

~~~~

Pile 3 – Blue lace agate

Blue lace agate is a soothing stone that empowers the throat chakra, generates peace and aids in communication.

The cards:

Two of cups

Seven of swords

Knight of swords

Eight of coins

Page of swords reversed

You’ve got a one track mind pile 3 and this could go one of two ways. Either you are locked in and focused on a path of authenticity and truth or you are overly focused on trying to fit the mould.

The overarching theme here is incompatibility and the pain that comes with forcing yourself into a box never made for you.

For some of you, the decision to leap into your passion, follow your goals and pursue what you truly desire has led you to feel isolated from your community, whether that be a relationship, family, childhood friends or home town. Either way, you have learnt to quietly devote yourself to what you want and limit what you share and express. You may even feel as if you have to hide and sneak around to avoid conflict or conversations surrounding your life choices that are authentically aligned. Friends and family members may have been quick to judge or dismiss or even chastise you for your truth causing you to shut down communication and loud/visible forms of self expression.

For others, you are still focused so heavily on fitting within a world that doesn’t make space for you that you are not able to authentically express and communicate or share what you truly desire and this is causing you to shun your emotional side and use this focus point to control and restrict yourself.

A relationship for some of you needs to come to a close, if things have been left unsaid, your subconscious mind is begging for that dialogue to air.

The correct people will come into your life when you act without fear of ostracisation and honour yourself instead.

It is time to act with your best interests in mind and open yourself up to communicate what you need and what you desire from life and your relationships.

Your subconscious mind is asking you to analyse where you are still judging yourself for walking your own path. These judgements come from those in your past and are not aligned with your present. Let them go.

On another note, remember not to project those judgements onto others, not everybody will be as critical towards you as those who came before have been.

Your path is your own to walk but you need not walk it alone.

Thank you pile 3 💙

~~~~

If you enjoyed this reading, please comment below and let me know if this resonated.

The full video reading will be posted to my YT channel and each reading is far more in depth and detailed so give that a watch if you’d like.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you found something meaningful here. 💖

This reading has been recorded and will be available to watch on my YouTube channel Kilofa_Tarot within the next few hours. Please check it out if you prefer a more visual reading.

My intention for these readings is to post a written version for those who prefer a shorter and more precise reading, in article form.

How this will work:

I will post the image of the three piles for you to choose from and then from there simply scroll to pile 1, 2 or 3. Sometimes I will use visual aids on the cards such as charms, crystals or ornaments but this one is just the cards as they are.

Without further ado, your message awaits! ✨

Pile 1:

The star

6 of wands

The tower

Justice

There is untapped potential within you, whether it be dreams unfollowed, talents cast aside or wishes never made. You have something deeply close to your chest that gently asks for your surrender and trust.

You are currently being guided to put down the mask you wear that says “I can do it all, I can carry everything” and instead, see what happens when you finally let what you are carrying fall.

Perhaps you err on the side of caution, take few risks and seek little reward for your hard work. There is something within you that deserves to be seen and recognised and it is deeply connected to your sense of self satisfaction and success.

There is an energy about you that strongly suggests that sisterhood is important. Perhaps you are close with a sister, mother, female friend, aunt or grandmother in spirit or in life. This feminine energy is supportive and warm.

If you have pushed aside your dreams, I ask that you look within and nurture the talents, skills and passions you may have waylaid in life. Though it is difficult to balance with responsibilities and life’s duties, do not forget to water your grass.

If you are caring for a female figure in life, perhaps you worry that everything shall fall apart should you start to release the slack. Fear less, everything will be alright.

And if the burdens you carry are born from a desire to please a family member or social group, know that your sense of purpose and fulfilment should come from within. Those in spirit are already proud of you.

Friendship may be of importance here as well. A sisterhood, a group connection, a chosen family. Either you have struggled to find your voice with others, perhaps you believe you only matter when you are of service to your friends. That is not the case.

There is magic in you, but you need to release some of the load you are carrying and tap into your hearts desire.

There is a cycle of struggle and potentially even heartache and heaviness that is coming to an end. As you wrap up this cycle, remember that you can always light the candle in your heart once more, look to the stars and make a wish! You are never too old.

You are strong and perhaps even a very hurting person. A female spirit is looking out for you and encouraging this new chapter of loving growth.

✨✨✨

Pile 2:

Reversed 7 of cups

10 of swords

The high priestess

6 of cups reversed

Choices that you have made or choices that you did not make from the past are making you feel heavy or stuck.

There is a nod to the past and to a life that did not come to be. Perhaps you have landed in a situation that is not exactly how you had imagined.

There is a need to forgive yourself for the choices you didn’t make, any opportunities that you didn’t take and even some you chose out of fear or familiarity.

Release any shame, regret or guilt that holds you to the past, your future awaits you now.

If you find yourself disillusioned by your current circumstances or often lamenting on the past with what if’s or a could’ve, should’ve attitude, remember that you can only know what you know at any given time.

This reading also speaks of self worth and value.

You need to know that you are worthy of abundance and beautiful things, despite what your inner critic may tell you. You are beautiful, worthy and why shouldn’t the universe grant you wonder?

Spirit asks you to consider why you feel you’re not worthy of miracles and success.

If you have chosen a familiar safe path, or rejected experiences because you feel less than worthy, please know that you belong, your situation is not set in stone. You can reignite a sense of wanderlust into your world whenever you choose.

In another message, we highlight any feelings of being less than others because of what you do for work, how much money you make, your living situation or your physical appearance. If any of these weigh heavy on your mind, unburden yourself.

Nobody is any less deserving of good fortune, love and joy because of their status, income, position or anything else for that matter.

For this next chapter, ask yourself this. If I didn’t hold myself back, if I were to change course, where would I steer my ship?

There is always time to begin again and this time, act without self doubt, follow the call of your intuition, dig deep and make a wish because the stars say that it’s possible!

Butterflies and feathers may be significant omens from your spirit team. Look out for the signs.

✨✨✨

Pile 3:

8 of swords

Reversed queen of cups

Reversed 5 of wands

Reversed 4 of pentacles

You are quite restrictive in the ways you express yourself. Know that these restrictions are removable and at any given time you can work towards free self expression.

This reading heavily focused on the throat chakra, self expression, using your voice and understanding your emotions.

Perhaps you struggle to set boundaries, express your needs, value your voice or make moves that involve creative expression, speaking up, sharing your words, thoughts and feelings.

If you grew up in an environment where self expression was punished and emotions where deemed a form of bad behaviour, you may find it difficult to release this baggage connected to your throat chakra.

Remember, communication is not confrontation.

What I mean by that is, by speaking up, setting a boundary or stepping up to share your voice you are not inherently generating conflict, arguments or bulldozing others. This may have been something that you experienced growing up, in the work environment or in school. If you decided to step into leadership, you may fear coming across as domineering, perhaps you were told you are too emotional, dramatic or overly expressive and that by voicing your thoughts, feelings and opinions you were labelled as disruptive, selfish, sensitive or foolish.

Spirit asks that you learn to feel and express your emotions in a healthy and supportive way. You are allowed to feel, you are allowed to say no, to stop bending at the will of others and closing down your unique authentic voice.

If you are drawn to writing, public speaking, teaching or any other form of communication related work. This is an encouraging sign to pursue it.

You may need encouragement to step up to a higher position or leave an old mentality behind from your childhood or social environment that says you mustn’t step out of line or individualise or strive for more than those around you have.

Spirit would love to see you release your feelings, express your creativity and heal your relationship with your own voice, your power and your self confidence. You deserve to be heard and the right pride will not scald you when you roar.

Teachers, peers, neighbours, siblings and social cliques around you may have been critical of your words, your thoughts, opinions and maybe even your creative drive when you were younger, perhaps even still.

This shift in embodying your authentic expression may shake up some current social dynamics. But do not fear rocking the boat, for the right people will find you and the old friends that no longer stick, the neighbours and social circles that once snuffed you out, the relatives or co workers that shun your light will fall away as you learn to tell your story.

You are allowed to change and grow my dear.

✨✨✨

If this reading resonated with you, please comment below as I would love to hear your thoughts. Please let me know if you enjoy this kind of content and do check out the YouTube video as well as there are more in depth insights into each reading.

Thank you for the support and I do hope you found something meaningful here. 💖

-Kira

In the midst of being young and oscillating between perpetual hope and the cyclical doom spiral, all of which come with being young and alive and insatiable. I had asked the universe, source, the void of time and space (which ever you prefer) who I was.

Who am I? What am I to do? Where do I fit?

Who am I meant to be?

A question all, I am sure, have asked themselves at one point or another.

How do I figure out what I am here to do?

For some it comes easily, for others, like myself, a little digging is in order.

I kept asking, throughout my life as I watched those around me fall gracefully into step with their path. Some answers came and went and i either begrudgingly ignored them because they wouldn’t suit or I’d flat out dismiss them because they’d suit to well and who was I to ask for such a life?

Time after time, I asked, I begged, I prayed.

Answers came to me that resonated deep within my soul, caverns opened in the hollow space within my gut where intuition lies and the truth that I was clutching deep within my chest scraped away at the walls I’d built around them. Yet still, my ignorance prevailed.

Time went on, years disappeared and i had resigned myself to simply not having much of a future to look forward to after all. I had declared myself pointless, void and mute of anything noteworthy or remarkable. I had made my bed, now I should lie in it.

After all, not everybody is born to follow their dreams, maybe some of us are set up to watch them die inside of us instead.

But as they say

“If it’s meant for you it will keep calling”

And once again I asked

“Who am I?”

I asked again, this time with a finality that slowed my breathing and expanded in my chest. One final time.

Spirit, who tf am I?

A child answered.

Perhaps it is easier to lean in and listen when a child speaks.

Maybe that’s why it all made sense, either that or the full moon in cancer really struck at my maternal nerve.

Either way, there she was.

Answering me quietly, not with words but with actions and memories.

You are a fairy, she seemed to say.

And in a way she was right, I could see her clear as day, playing outside in paper mache fairy wings, her hands pressed against the branch of her favourite tree.

I could see her focusing all of her might on brining to bare the green healing light from her palms.

She was a fairy, a little reiki master at work.

I didn’t know that I was practicing reiki…or at the very least imagining reiki.

I didn’t know such a thing existed.

But at the time I was very keen on healing with the magical colours that came from my palms.

I chalked it up to imagination but I never truly forgot.

Funnily enough, another memory that never quite went away came to mind.

Those paracetamol ads.

Yes, you know the ones on tv that show the bright coloured orb of yellow light and healing energy that miraculously fixes your headache or sore throat.

Those ads.

I used to imagine as a child, that I could heal myself with that kind of energy.

Never mind the Panadol or the strepsils. This fairy had other plans!

I had become fixated on the orbs of colourful energy. The visualisation of it all.

I would focus all my attention on my temples or my throat, wherever I felt pain and I would imagine a ball of glowing colour and it would take it all away.

The crazy part is, if I focused on it enough, the pain, the tension, the colour pulsing through my minds eye. It actually worked.

I practiced it all through my teen years at seemingly random times. Always going back to it, trying to ease my ailments with invisible green or yellow spheres.

So, who am I?

A fairy?

A healer?

An overly imaginative child with an affinity for modern day pain relief ads?

Funnily enough, after years of being told that I should go into reiki healing by psychics and mediums, it was my own child self that finally made me see the truth of my nature.

Another quote I quite like is as follows:

You knew who you were before the world told you different.

And I believe that.

Because little Kib was writing poetry and sticking it up on her walls and little Kib was healing trees with her hands and little kib was a mediator between friends, a peacekeeper.

Little Kira, was also psychic.

Who am I? I had asked.

And my inner child showed me that tree, those palms, those poetry posters and the affinity I had for spirit guides and totems and animals.

She showed me the northern lights and the meditation music disc floating in my cd player.

Within those memories were evidence of my truth, my heart, my path and above all, my spirit.

So, when she answers, I best get to listening.

After all, who am I to underestimate the wisdom of that mighty little fairy. ✨

~~~~

I was born with a stone above my head

A weighty presence that I felt without seeing, somehow knowing it was there, feeling the heaviness of its presence above me like a terrible storm. I don’t know how it came to be or why I felt the way I did but it was there, perhaps long before I was.

I was always afraid of this pressing weight, always wary of being stepped on, compressed or flattened by everything around me.

Adults were scary, life was scary, the world was something to cower before not walk into with my head held high, for if not careful the weight would meet me as I grew and crush me like a bug back to the earth from which I came.

I was born with elastic tied around my vocal cords, they struck like old guitar strings, never making the right sounds, never at the right volume, never saying the right thing.

The tune was always off, I was always off.

I learned young that it wasn’t wise to speak.

Like a caged bird, I felt the bars close around me. Far too frightened to fly for fear that the stone would fall and too afraid to speak for fear I’d strike a chord and say the wrong thing. This made it hard for me to recognise if the door to the cage was ever truly closed at all or if it were open the entire time, I just couldn’t see it. Much like the stone above my head, I couldn’t explain it, but somehow I knew it was there. Just as I knew that outside that cage, was a world I couldn’t cope with. A world I couldn’t fit into.

Perhaps the weight above me and the strain in my voice was with me all along? Perhaps it came with me as I entered this lifetime. A set of shackles form a former time, a life sentence inherited from another unto me.

Or perhaps I was simply a terrified little girl who believed that if she took up too much space the world would kick her for it. And kick her they did. Regardless of how small I stayed, how silent I became, how little of me I honoured, I was marked as wrong, bad, terrible, a problem child. I tried to hide inside my cage but the world found me there and like a snake, it slithered into my nest, through those bars and made me its dinner. The world consumed me, chewed me up and spat me out and yet somehow still, I would screech. I would flap. I would beg from the world, a piece of what those soaring above me had. Why must I live down here?

Why must I stay grounded, anchored where there is little light and so much danger?

Why did they leave me down here? Why don’t they want me?

The elastic around my vocal cords did little to stop me from speaking, shouting, crying out my childish demands for love and affection, connection and acceptance. My broken wings made a menace of me young, for I would flap and flap yet never fly.

Oh the commotion I caused, a useless flightless creature born into an aviary of shooting stars.

I looked into the mirror and saw the very same thing, a creature meant to take off, aim for the horizon and belong but never could.

Belong, belong….why can’t you just belong?!

But I never realised I was not of the same stuff.

The weight above me and the strain around my throat was indicative of an innate wrongness in me.

I was something else, something other.

In fact. I was not a bird at all.

I had no wings, I had no way to soar, to reach the stars where the others were, so beautiful and bright.

And I discovered, in the darkness of each night in my childhood bed, where they left me to cry. That I could do something else instead. If I was never to fly….then I would go down.

And so I dove, I dove down so deep into a world of blackness and despair, my emotions, becoming a world of their own. Dark and deep and at times dangerously dissembling.

Inside this place I had found for myself I created a home, a habit and a routine. In this place I was the most me I could ever be, the loudest and messiest and craziest most wild thing. I would fall into my pain and it cradled me. I believed I could swim, and swim I did, however the more time I spent down there the harder it was to surface, until one day, whilst the world wasn’t watching,

I began to drown.

Each day, every night. I dove. I sank, I drowned. I let the water rush over my skin and fill my eyes and throat and wash away the illusions of what I believed I was.

In the silence of my childhood bed, I screamed into that dark whirlpool and let silence follow.

I let this new world take me as the last rays from above shone brightly upon the surface.

I watched the glimmer of who I had hoped to be, the world I’d hoped to belong to, the place within which others were taken in with open arms, I watched it disappear as I sank into the blackness each and every night.

With the weight floating tirelessly above me and the elastic constricting my voice tighter and tighter I decided it was best for me to drown.

I never resurfaced. I spent my childhood and teenage years in that ocean. In that void.

Like the sea it was a terrifying place full of dangerous creatures that could tear you apart and leave you begging for a saviour but sometimes I found that it could be beautiful.

There were moments where I felt like I could see myself clearly and moments where I felt at home. I learnt about myself, I learnt to articulate myself and to write about my feelings. I dove and drowned and discovered.

Each time I resurfaced I had died another death and taken another first breath.

At first I never completely lost sight of the birds in the sky, the way they’d soar and the brilliance and grace that they’d exude. They all looked the same, spoke the same, acted the same. Belonged.

My family was up there, my friends, everybody but me.

Me and my little world of monsters and dreams.

Then somewhere along the line I taught myself to stop looking. I stopped staring at them with envy, I stopped calling out, I stopped coming to the surface.

Years of my life went by and of course, nobody wanted to be friends with the girl who always drowns. The girl who stays on the ground, the girl with the baggage, the girl anchored in place, dragged by the ankles to some uglier place.

Nobody wants the daughter with the strangled call, sad eyes and ship wrecked soul.

My relationship with this world grew as I did. In my darkest hours it was my enemy and in my lightest it was my friend.

I learned a lot about myself and my place in the world and so I decided, somehow some way. That I was going to bring a light to this Black Sea.

I was going to make my own bioluminescence.

And I did.

I stopped sinking myself each night and I taught myself once more, how to swim.

I remembered that once upon a time I was thrust into this place and somehow crawled out of it therefore it was something to be mastered.

From there, I found my greatest strengths, my most potent gifts, and most importantly, my song, my tune and my way.

The elastic around my throat loosened. The weight above me inched further and further away.

Soon enough the sea was bright and full of colour and light, my reflection was born in every surface and I could finally see, I was never meant to fly at all. I was not born for bird song nor to soar. I was born to float, to swim, to dive and to sing my very own siren call.

I taught myself how to navigate these waters and the dangers that remain. I became the master of surviving this place.

And one day….

As this watery world about me continues to expand. I truly believe that I will find another like me, perhaps maybe even more. Others who once sat in their own little cage upon the shore, watching and waiting for that open door, the invitation that never came because they were the kids with the wrong song, the loud hearts and a different rhythm in their chest. The wingless ones who were always meant to dive. The ones made not to fly, but to SWIM.

~~~~~~~~🐋🐋🐋~~~~~~~~

I became Defensive.

As a young girl I was very sensitive, introspective and although I never would have thought so at the time, quite analytical.

I felt as if I were looking through an inverted lense whilst walking through the world. Never focusing on the external, never truly living in the moment.

Previously I would have described this feeling as an out of body experience or a disconnection between myself and my life or others. However now I describe this perspective as a strong and intimate connection to my own psyche and inner world. A development that grew and shaped me as I got older.

Of course I grew to be tremendously imaginative and quite creative with a rich and powerful inner world that often felt more alive and colourful than anything in my immediate reality. And yet alongside this budding creativity and complex web of emotional capacity I grew to be terribly anxious and depressed.

My mind became my greatest strength but so too did it became my most incessant nemesis.

I was an emotional whirlwind of a child, with loud feelings and disruptive thoughts that coloured my everyday and yet for the most part I was quiet. Labelled shy and easy going by my teachers and borderline mute by my peers. I was the child who needed to “work on her social skills and participation”, always being told to “speak up”.

I was a bullied undiagnosed neurodivergent child with selective mutism and overthinking was my idea of cloud gazing.

My brain ran on autopilot, a never ending shower of anxious thoughts and self doubt fuelled by the hate from those around me, steam rolling me every single day.

Confidence was the last thing I ever thought I’d learn to equip and yet during my early twenties, after a lifetime of perpetual horror, I somehow found myself gleaming with it.

Or did I?

The shyness and the fear, the anxiety that tore through my guts every hour of every day slowly faded until it was all but a distant memory, a small edging storm cloud that occupied the deepest recesses of my consciousness only for my newfound “confidence” to sweep it all away.

Had I truly found a way to wrangle one of my demons? I’d seemed to think so.

However confidence comes with a profound sense of security. It comes with a groundedness that someone like me, a young woman born with her head in the clouds could never seem to possess.

My feet never hit the ground, that lense never reverted to face the world around me. It stayed fixed, I stayed fixed, on the world inside my head. My world born from a never ending stream of external criticism, abuse and neglect. My imagination soon turned its attention from childlike story books and fantasy realms to ways of self betterment and control. My creativity careened less towards my hopes and dreams and more towards solutions to my fears, doubts and faults.

I forged a million and one ways to survive my world and one of those solutions came in with the red hot amber glow of new found confidence.

My knight in shining armour, red hot rage disguised as the sun.

It seemed to me as if I was healing. Things were changing, dare I say my world was looking up.

That little girl who prickled at the sound of a strangers laughter or the slightest hint of dissatisfaction on a persons face was now an expert at acting nonchalant.

But the truth is, I hadn’t developed any confidence at all, I was becoming incredibly defensive.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing to develop. It’s vital to be able to defend yourself when necessary. But it’s a slippery slope when born from a place of constant fear, submission and mistreatment. Defensiveness looks a lot like confidence when suddenly you wake up in your twenties and want nothing more than to defend who you once were. The quiet kid beneath the world’s boot.

And I truly wanted nothing more in this world than to defend the child I used to be.

So I puffed myself up, I became rigid and reserved, subconsciously armouring myself for an attack.

My sense of wonder became mistrust, my desire to be loved became an inability to give or receive affection and my new found sense of self respect became the building blocks for the walls I’d spend the next five years building so that nobody could ever hurt me again.

I no longer cross the street to avoid people, I no longer fear taking up space, I don’t apologise for merely existing and I do not force myself to sit inside a mould I did not create.

I was saving myself.

Confidence always seemed to be the solution for it all. Confidence would make me happy.

Confidence was all I needed right? That’s what everyone always said. Be confident, you’ll find your people. Believe in yourself and you will recover.

Love yourself and you will heal.

Somewhere along the lines I grew tired of hating myself and the line between self confidence and self defense blurred.

So after five years of believing I had grown into myself I realised I have never ever been more bitter and resentful. Even when I was at my lowest, even when the people around me were setting me ablaze. I had never fallen to such a place of hate.

Until it showed up dressed as light.

A facade. A mask. A broken piece of me standing in the corner begging to be chosen. The solution my brain resorted to had not been a spur of the moment decision. It was a natural emotional progression burgeoning in my teens. It was not a conscious choice made in a state of awareness but rather a subconscious shift created in response to a lifetime of fear. A lifetime of sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop, watching it happen again and again, feeling the floor drop out from beneath me time and time again.

Fear can evolve.

Anxiety can mutate into something that feels warm and bright and nurturing.

That small voice inside my head that once whispered of how much everyone must hate me, how they must be laughing at me, how I could never compare, changed its tune.

The very same voice began to say

You are good enough, you deserve to be happy…so fuck em.

and a solution was born.

So how did I realise that my newfound confidence was truly just a disguise for my anxiety and a way to cope as I moved through the world?

Well…

Confidence doesn’t make you feel shitty.

I started to watch myself twist and contort into this hateful person. Whilst I wasn’t necessarily being outwardly rude or hateful I was internally projecting narratives onto those around me and the world as a whole.

My usual self deprecating internal monologue became a constant stream of all the reasons the world could not be trusted. My thoughts became suspicious and untrusting. I stopped reaching out to people, I stopped trying to build relationships, a decision stoked by the idea that people have always been and will always be a risk I no longer want to take.

I no longer avoided people, places and situations that once felt all too much because I never felt worthy and instead started stepping into new experiences but with the voice inside my head reminding me every waking moment that people will hurt me.

So each kind act was twisted into a scheme.

Every positive story became a lie.

Every success, another shoe waiting to fall.

Now I am starting to realise that I don’t Like the path I have gone down. My confidence was never true.

But my self love is.

That anger and resentment and my desire to protect myself proves that I have grown to care for myself.

But I must fight for that part of me that is losing to my fear. The girl within me who believed in friendship and love and faith.

Maybe that little girl didn’t have it all wrong after all.

If she can step into a room full of people and breathe. Then maybe I can step into a room full of people and truly see it for what it is.

All my life I wanted to be confident. I just never realised that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be smart, I wanted to be respected thinking that those things would make me confident enough to fall in love with myself.

Yet somehow I grew to love myself before the confidence ever appeared.

Now I wish to find a way to unmask this defensiveness and face what really lies behind the facade.

My good old friend. Anxiety.

Maybe then the world and I can both be wonderful inside my mind at the very same time.

“My morning routine for maximum productivity”

~~~

Influencers took to the small screen to share their overwhelmingly productive routines and we ate that shit up for breakfast, lunch and tea. Why? Because we are obsessed with self improvement, becoming that person, GLOWING UP. It all sounds fabulous of course however it’s all designed for the few and not the many.

For most of us, these glorified morning routines keep us in a perpetual state of burn out and feed that incessant little goblin in our brains that says “I need to be better” before we’ve even had the chance to discover what better even means for ourselves.

Most of us hardly follow a routine, or when we do it’s so instinctual and imperfect that we might not even think it qualifies. Somewhere along the line routines had to transform from something habitual and natural to something “disciplined” and forced.

So, do you actually need that fifteen step skincare routine that makes your face feel like a syrup coated pancake or do you really just need a splash of spf and a reality check?

Do you need to do an hour long workout every single day of your life whilst wearing the most hideously overpriced workout pants known to man?

Probably not.

Once upon a time I was obsessed with finding the PERFECT ROUTINE. A glorious ritual that would unfuck my life like fairy godmother, but all I ended up with was list upon list upon list of reasons why I was a failure. A highlighted snap shot of all I failed to achieve in the span of 24 hours.

Rather than relaxing after a long days work I tried to force myself into the bathroom for a WWE comp between me and my legs, armed only with an aloe Vera encrusted razor, a strawberry short cake loofah and an immense amount of shame for not having done this every day of my life for the past twenty four years. (Gotta love the everything shower).

Now I’m not saying routines are a bad thing. In fact, they are great. I love having the exact same meal for breakfast from birth to death and never straying from my beloved before bed sweet treat however, you do not need…and I repeat.

You 👏 Don’t 👏 NEED 👏

Multiple ten step + routines to micromanage every aspect of your life.

Routines should work for you not the other way around.

So, if your workout routine is a half assed YouTube tutorial once a week? That’s alright.

If your skincare routine is squeezing the life out of an old moisturiser bottle because you just cannot be bothered buying a new one? That’s perfect.

Most of us are not self employed content creators or influencers who have more than enough time in the day to follow these routines.

Most of us have 9–5 jobs, kids, several cats and an unkempt car.

Long story short, you don’t need to glow up, in fact, while you’re at it, glow down.

We need that reality check too.

I’m twenty five years old and finding myself in a constant state of yearning, not for the love of my life, an elusive bugger mind you, but for fresh produce and over priced granola.

Now I’m sure we are all in the same boat right? All of my friends are unestablished dreamers drifting through life overworked and underpaid.

Just the other day I considered sending photos of my feet to someone’s grandad for extra cash.

This entire crisis all came about when I realised that despite having a full time job, working five days a week and eight hours a day…I cannot afford the cost of living.

I’m scraping coins together for frozen vegetables and bog roll whilst my parents talk about how broke they are as a gen x couple spending $700 dollars a week on rent with a boat out back and a pre booked trip to Bali.

Is this bitter resentment or cold hard truth? We are all fuckin broke!

All this to say. I’m searching some seriously sus online crevices in pursuit of a couple extra bucks. I’m sure my fellow cash strapped kids can relate.

Next stop. Van life without the golden retriever and two blond toddlers.

Any tips Millennials?