This Father’s Day, I decided to let my emotions overwhelm me; not because I don’t love my dad, but because the love I have for him has caused more pain than happiness, which I don’t believe is how love should be.

To me, he will always be a role model; my biggest one, if you want to say. I have always aspired to be like him: the older sibling he is, the successful person he presents himself to be, and the admirable leader he carries himself as.

To me, he will always be the epitome of an ideal husband – one who leads yet listens, one who loves and receives love, and one who is never shy to shower his wife with infinite possibilities.

But he will never be a father figure to me. As a father, he has provided me with everything I ever needed: opportunities, money, time, and material things. Emotionally, however, he is my biggest heartbreak. Craving his unconditional love became something little Kayla constantly did – trying to make sure I was seen, and not only when I had achieved something.

Little Kayla will always grieve the missing piece of the father she needed: one who doesn’t push the responsibility of reaching out onto her, and one who allows her to simply be her child self.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for mourning the loss of his fatherly presence because he has provided me with everything. Sometimes, I feel unseen for voicing the “little” things I might not get compared to my siblings. And sometimes, I feel unwanted, difficult, and unloved – all because it seems like I don’t appreciate the things he has done. But I never meant it that way.

Happy Father’s Day, Ayah. Thank you for being my role model, one that I will always be proud of – and thank you for being my biggest heartbreak.

Doubting Him was never an option in my head. Because I know, He is greater than anything that ever existed. The All-Knowing, The Holder of Hearts.

Yet, it always feels difficult to understand His words, or the decisions when He takes charge of your life.

There are days where I feel worried to convey my thoughts into prayers, because I worry these thoughts would attest Him. But other days I know, only through Him I can regulate these thoughts.

Because the truth is, I am breaking under the weight of trying to be okay with it all. I am tired of constantly translating my pain into peace when everything inside me just feels heavy.

So tell me, ya Rabb, am I allowed to hope for something, without constantly having the fear of rejection as an attack to myself?

I think it’s got to the point of fear of hoping, because every single hope always turns out completely differently than I hoped. Sometimes I just wished it happened as I want it, although I know He knows that some things may be better for me.

Is it possible for me to go through life simply, without having to mean big for others?

Or would I be able to let go of my fight or flight mode, and live life as how it is? Without constantly having to learn from every situation, nor asking for a reason of why it happens?

i’ve heard the phrases “older than my age” or being “too mature” a little too much now.

not only now, but it has been a recurring problem since i was a child.

i’ve always associated myself as the eldest sister, eldest daughter and even eldest granddaughter.

it’s such a big identity,

one that most new people in life now

as soon as they see me.

and now,

i hate it.

not only that,

i resent it.

the weight it brings,

the expectations it has,

the “always know how” sentiment it carries.

as i grow to rediscover myself,

i felt the heaviness it carries,

and i wonder,

“when will people see me for just kayla?

without guessing that i am the eldest daughter?

without my inner nature come out?”

will there ever be someone who sees me for who i am?

perasaan berat ini,

di dalam dadaku yang seakan-akan mencekamku.

tidak,

kali ini aku tak akan memberikan label tentang perasaan ini.

kan kurasakan semua yang perlu kurasakan.

tangisan yang terus mengalir,

di depan orang yang selalunya aku tunjukkan sikap kuatku.

aku runtuhkan semuanya,

karna ternyata aku tak kuat melawannya.

ingin rasanya aku dipeluk,

dan mendengarkan kata-kata;

“semua akan baik-baik saja, Kay.”

ternyata memasrahkan semuanya bukan berarti perasaan ini hilang dalam sekejap.

maka izinkan aku untuk memohon.

menjadi Hamba yang merengek,

sampai suatu saat aku lelah.

You have different layers, roles, and names – each carrying its own quiet set of responsibilities.

You are a daughter, a sister, a friend, a mother, a teacher, a student, and so much more. Sometimes, it feels suffocating to carry all of those roles by yourself.

Trying to give 100% to every single part of your life can leave you completely drained, leading you, unintentionally, to neglect the very things you care about.

For a long time, I looked up to people I admire who were blessed and respected enough to be entrusted with heavy responsibilities, and I wondered if I could ever be like them.

I often found myself complaining and grunting at the things placed on my plate, secretly feeling ashamed because these responsibilities were once the very things I prayed to Him for.

Until I realised:

It is Allah who entrusted this to us. Not for us to be burned out by it, but to act as His hands of extension in this dunya; allowing us to step into the role of Khalifah in this world. Yet, didn’t He also teach us that we were never meant to carry everything on our own?

Call upon Me, I will respond to you, is what He has conveyed to us.

Thus, to you who has been burdened and entrusted with many roles, who carries them with sincere dedication, may Allah accept every step you take, grant you strength when you feel weary, and always surround you with His peace.

Tapi kali ini, aku merasakan itu di kepalaku.

Sebuah keriuhan yang begitu bising hingga perlahan memicu rasa mati rasa.

Berat rasanya, sampai diriku merasa tenggelam dan kehilangan arah.

Namun di atas semua riuh dan kebas ini,

aku tetap harus melangkah,

membawa sebuah senyuman ke hadapan dunia.

Kota London di malam hari menjadi saksi bisu kekecilanku.

Ternyata, aku hanyalah satu dari sekian banyak.

Malam ini, izinkan aku meruntuhkan semua dindingku.

Karna ternyata, aku tak sekuat yang orang kirakan.

Tak perlu kuselesaikan sekarang,

cukup kurasakan dan kuresapi ke dalam kalbu.

not following the traditional path of getting a job straight after university, i felt behind from my peers. not because i didn’t want to, but because life didn’t seem to allow me to take that path. through that path, i was constantly asked by people around me.

what are you doing now?

why don’t you get a job?

don’t close your doors too much.

i remembered smiling, whilst keeping the turbulences to myself.

but that journey opened a different door for me. i allowed Him to guide me to whatever is best for me. teaching, tutoring and volunteering in madrasas. i met my beloved students through this path, whom some of them till this day i have the pleasure of watching them grow. once again, not the conventional path i expected myself to walk through, yet i found my joy through it.

when it came down to choosing to continue my master’s program, i was left with a dilemma. would returning to the nutritional field and public health sector be an ideal choice? especially after being away for a while, it didn’t seem like the ideal choice.

yet, with the support from Ayah and Bunda, i took a leap of faith to return. and again, i allowed Him to guide my journey, with an open mind, and a curiosity to learn anything from anyone.

fast forward to today, 1 year after the program ended, through bloodsweat and tears, i am able to see the fruit of my dreams. meeting people from Youth Health Hub Indonesia who have allowed me to explore my interests, and in line myself with them became one of the doors i unlocked. leading a team of curious minds from different organisations, writing up a policy paper, and exploring the idea of food systems through nutritional lenses. moderated my first panel discussion while advocating our policy ideas, to presentiny our project in Ruteng at my very first conference, Alhamdulillah.

i am also grateful to be trusted by my students and their parents, to guide them through different sectors in life, nurtuting them in ways i never taught was possible. i still am, and will always be proud to be called Miss Kayla.

it’s true that there is no excuse and exception in dreaming, yet not everyone has the privilege to do so. so this dream comes with the support and motivation of everyone around me. i can’t say this is a dream of myself, with only my blood sweat and tears, but it’s the belief from others that allowed me to never stop dreaming.

to 20 year old Kayla, life might not be what you expected it to be. but allow yourself room to let Him intervene in them, thus the best doors will open to you at the right time.

From the current war colonialist war, to the neverending genocide in West Asia. The corrupted justice system in Indonesia and the negligence of governments towards their people. The list goes on. Days just feel like it’s dragged, pilling myself with anger and sadness, the feeling of hopelessness numbs my ability to think straight.

Entering my professional era, I have been trying to position myself within the public health scene. Graduating from my dream school with a degree I am extremely passionate and proud of, conducting an event I have always imagined myself doing, everything felt like a dream come through. Meeting people from many angles for the same cause, or so that I thought of, trying to create an impact in this nasty world.

Somehow, rather than feeling excited post event, I felt a deep sense of discomfort. It felt like no matter what I do, nothing can be done for the current state of the world. I can’t help but question:

“What’s the point in all of these? What am I really doing here? Why do I feel so helpless? Why am I feeling all of these emotions?”

As a Muslim, one who proudly calls herself His believer, it feels unjust and unfair that I am questioning all these. It feels like I’m not understanding His Decree, or that I don’t believe in His ways. I feel shy when I see the people who go through those unjust scenarios having the biggest trust in Him. It feels like I’m angry at the wrong place, yet I don’t know who and how to direct my anger.

I remind myself that I am human, and these emotions: anger, sadness, disappointment and defeated, are part of my decree as a human. I ponder and ask, what should I do when I have these feelings? How do I continue on with life knowing the wrongdoings around me? Should I still continue on what I have been anyways?

I seem to have two sides of me. On days where I feel hopeful, I remind myself to allow Him to position myself in the most beneficial place He wants me to be.

On other days like today, when the noises in my head becomes unbearable, the feeling of defeat overbears every reason to continue with life. For once, I’m allowing myself to indulge with the ponderous thoughts. For once, I am admitting defeat to my noises in my head.

I’ve lost faith in humanity. I’m lost and I don’t know which way I should take.

What should I do now, ya Rabb?

“I learned it from you back then! I finally understood it and I always look forward to those type of questions when doing my paper,” was a statement my student made during our last lesson.

I used to teach her back in the days when I had my first teaching gig, Kumon. Due to some reason, I referred her to my younger sister, who has been tutoring and guiding her the past 2 years. As both of them are in their exam season, I took over tutoring her so that my sister could focus on hers too. Throughout that time, I have been hearing updates (both the improvements and the sticky situations) from my sister. Yet hearing her say that after two years made me understand why I was diverted into doing this.

I remembered being a stress Kayla, fresh from the oven of undergraduate, trying to hook herself onto the “job market”. Teaching… was never part of the plan, well not right not at least. But teaching as well has become my side quest and a diversion of plan that I am forever thankful for. Through teaching, people noticed changes within me. Some says I can express myself in words better and became more confident with my English. Some says it seems like a path I truly enjoy, as I shine when I see my students. I personally learned how to breakdown complex information into more simpler explanations, especially when dealing with younger kids, as well as to elevate their confidence with the subject.

Thus, hearing her, say that she looks forward to that type of questions as she feels much more confident in her understanding, warms my heart. I remembered how stressful she felt as she was trying to grasp to concept, a topic she took almost a year to understand. Alhamdulillah.

In Indonesian, there’s a phrase called tabur tuai, which directly translates to giving and receiving. In other words, what you give, you will receive, and vice versa. We often use it to remind ourselves and take precautionary measures when dealing with people, baring in mind that what you do them will come back to you. But allow yourself to take this statement as a reminder that what you plant, will grow back. It might not be immediately, but I promise you, it will come back to you.

Coming back to a situation fresh of postgraduate studies, I am again filled with the constant question of:

“What is next in life?”

Being bombarded by people asking me whether I am working now or not, or even some undermining thoughts that don’t see other work as “real” work, building my confidence to be happy and content with saying that I am a teacher, or tutor, takes courage and time. Yet this story, gives me a reason to continue, despite what others might say. If you’re asking me whether I see this as my long-term goal, I wouldn’t say so, but it is a hobby that is beneficial for me, financially, spiritually and emotionally.

Now, I have allowed myself to reframe my question. Instead of asking what’s next, I ask myself: “Where am I most beneficial at? Where does He want me to be?”, because what matters to me is how can I equate my main purpose in life, as خليفة في الأرض, and as what He wants me to.

So, where will I be most beneficial, Ya Rabb?

Dunia selalu terasa seperti tempat singgah. Orang datang dan pergi, silih berganti. Dari kelahiran dan kematian, aku belajar bahwa dunia ini tidak pernah benar-benar abadi. Kita lahir tanpa memilih waktu, tempat, atau keluarga. Kita kembali tanpa bisa menawar atau menunda. Namun di antara dua kepastian itu, ada ruang yang menjadi milik kita sepenuhnya, ruang yang bisa kita isi dengan apa pun yang kita pilih.

Semakin aku dewasa, semakin sering aku mendengar kabar kepergian. Dari orang yang dulu begitu dekat, hingga nama-nama yang tak pernah kukenal. Dulu aku menganggapnya bagian dari hidup. Kini, setiap kabar itu membuatku berhenti sejenak. Bukan hanya tentang mereka yang pergi, tetapi tentang kita yang ditinggalkan. Tentang bagaimana kematian seseorang bisa mengguncang cara kita memandang hidup.

Di tengah renungan itu, aku mulai bertanya pada diriku sendiri:

“Jika waktuku tiba, apa yang sudah aku siapkan? Kesan apa yang tertinggal dari caraku hidup? Apakah aku sudah siap bertemu Sang Penciptaku?”

Pertanyaan itu membawaku kembali pada tiga hubungan yang selalu kupegang: hubungan dengan Tuhan, dengan manusia, dan dengan alam. Tentang Tuhan, aku tumbuh dengan cerita tentang kebesaran dan kelembutan-Nya; bahwa Dia selalu membuka pintu bagi siapa pun yang kembali. Tentang alam, aku belajar bahwa ia memberi tanpa banyak bicara, tanpa meminta balasan.

Tapi hubungan dengan manusia… di situlah aku paling sering belajar. Tentang luka yang tak selalu terlihat. Tentang memaafkan, meski tidak mudah. Tentang hadir dengan cara yang kadang tidak sempurna, tapi tetap tulus. Di sanalah aku paling sering tersandung, dan di sanalah aku paling banyak bertumbuh. Aku terenung dengan pikiran, apakah aku pernah menyakiti hambaNya yang lain? Dan apakah mereka akan menuntut itu di hadapanNya?

Kematian itu pasti. Tapi ruang kecil di antaranya – ruang yang kita isi dengan hubungan, keputusan, dan niat – itulah yang membentuk hidup kita. Itulah kewajiban kita: untuk terus menjalaninya, dengan kesadaran bahwa setiap hari adalah kesempatan untuk meninggalkan jejak yang berarti, sekecil apa pun itu. Mungkin dengan usahaku untuk selalu berbuat kebaikan, pertemuan dengan Dia menjadi sesuatu yang kutunggu dan tuju, karna ku telah berusaha memberikan yang terbaik hingga titik penghabisanku.