Another spoiler: A couple of these are not technically “coming of age”, meaning that the age range of the featured characters starts at 12 and goes up to 30. Making this list, I realized that I don’t view “coming of age” as an age range. I see it more as a time where you’re figuring life out and finding yourself.

What all of these movies have in common is that, no matter what age I watched them, or what age the characters are, they made me feel less alone. Each of these movies affirmed for me that I was allowed to be loud, different, smart, ambitious, all of which were things I knew I was but it took watching movies like the ones listed here to really believe it was okay.

These movies were so key in my own development. As I am writing this, I am realizing how important it is for people to see themselves in media, especially if you are or feel different. It can, and in my case definitely did, save lives.

We should be making more movies about people of color growing up or just living. We need more Black stories. And queer stories. And differently-abled stories. And trans stories. We need stories of all types of people. And I don’t mean stories about these people overcoming crazy obstacles to become wildly successful, or historical stories, or stories solely about their identity and the struggles that come with it.

I am talking about stories focusing on people from marginalized communities just growing up, figuring out life. Everyone deserves to see themselves in coming of age movie!

NOW & THEN

Obviously, Now & Then is on this list. I started watching this movie regularly from the time I was 8 or 9 years old. Sam, Roberta, Teeny, and Chrissy were my best friends. More accurately, I wanted a friend group like theirs so badly growing up. I moved around a lot as a kid so having a steady best friend was hard enough but I was never lucky enough to acquire a BFF group that made pacts and bought treehouses. Side note: I talked about getting a treehouse so much as a kid. It’s all I wanted. I loved the idea of having a place away from adults that was our own. Even today, when I am driving past a backyard that has a treehouse, my heart hurts a bit.

PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER

Perks of Being a Wallflower is based on the novel of the same name that came out in 1999 but has remained a staple in the bookshelf of every teen who felt weird or like an outsider.

So when they made the movie 18 years after the book was published, I was hesitant to watch it. I finally did a few months ago and thought it was just as (or very nearly) great as the book.

“Perks”, as the die-hard fans call it, is a must-watch for the coming of age genre.

LADY BIRD

Watching Lady Bird, I couldn’t help but search for moments of relatability, which wasn’t hard. I went to an all-girls high school in a city that was so dull it made me want to claw my eyes out. I also made it my mission to go to college out of state. And I dreamed of throwing myself out of a moving vehicle driven by my mother, many times.

Beyond all that, I just found the story to be so endearing, and sometimes biographical, because of how determined, headstrong, and argumentative the lead character is, despite the fact that she is still figuring everything out and is constantly met with growing pains and failures. That is something I can definitely relate to.

Anyway, it’s hilarious and real and beautiful.

PREMATURE

When I say that I loved this movie, it’s an understatement. I thought it was perfect. It’s a coming of age story set in the summer in New York City. It’s also got a very hot romance, which is somehow bridled with a very realistic depiction of a relationship. Premature is one of those quiet, sometimes slow-moving movies that you can’t stop watching because it’s so deeply relatable.

I can’t say enough good things about this movie. You can stream it on Hulu.

ALL I WANNA DO

This is probably the only movie on here that’ you’ve not only never seen but never heard of. And let me explain why.

“All I Wanna Do” is known by two other names (depending on which country you’re in), the other two are “Strike!” and “The Harry BIrd”. No matter the name, the movie was very under the radar and undeservingly so.

How did I come across it? Well, growing up, my stepmom collected movies — hundreds, if not over a thousand, movies. She had a huge bookshelf in her laundry room filled with VHSs. All of which is a topic for another day. So, she had this obscure film.

I gravitated to it because it takes place in a boarding school on the east coast, which was my DREAM growing up but my mom said I can’t because “I was being selfish and I only wanted to do it to hurt her” (because she’d miss me? idk). But anyway, I just love all-girl boarding schools,

But the biggest reason I love it is that it’s all about feminism, female friendships, and taking down the patriarchy (in a white woman way).

EDGE OF 17

I just saw this for the first time a few months ago and I LOOOOVED it.

One of the most underrated movies of the last few years, The Edge of Seventeen, is cute, hilarious, and relatable. This coming of age tale is about a high school loner who has shut everyone in her life out and really illustrates the importance of connection.

It’s like a Brene Brown talk but with more laughs and Woody Harrelson.

MONA LISA SMILES

Probably not “technically” coming of age because they are all in college. But I think your college years are an especially painful, beautiful, and informative time for people, especially women.

Like “All I Wanna Do”, this is very much about white wealthy women discovering and finding their voices and navigating feminism in the 1960s at a school in the east coast (wow that’s a lot of similarities) but I still think it’s still awesome.

DOPE

Is there a name for a movie, or type of story, that’s told in one day? A one-day narrative? That’s probably not it but anyway I love those movies.

Dope is about tripod of best friends in LA, Malcolm, Jib, and Diggy, who are obsessed with all things 90s (music, fashion, etc). And somehow they come into a huge bag of ecstasy. All sorts of comedic adventure ensue as they try to get rid of it, or sell it, or return it to the rightful owner.

THE VIRGIN SUICIDES

I saw this movie and also read the book WAY TOO YOUNG, like 12–13 years old, because, amongst other things, it is about suicide. But I also read Girl, Interrupted around the same time, so I was doomed.

I remember putting this quote in my AIM profile in 8th grade:

Doctor: “What are you doing here, honey? You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets.”

Cecilia: “Obviously, Doctor, you’ve never been a 13-year-old girl”

Even today, this movie gets me and all my dark and scary depression. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to talk about a lot — being sexually assaulted, my parent’s divorce (unless it benefited the parent I was speaking to), my insecurities, and overall, just my sense of being alone. Subconsciously, I sought out books and movies like this to feel less alone.

BACHELORETTE

And that’s what Bachelorette does. It’s about four best friends from high school, one of whom, Rebel Wilson, is getting married. And this causes the other three to really examine their lives, over the course of a wild night It’s a fast-paced movie that is funny but sad and dark. I love it.

The COVID-19 Quarantine has been tough on everyone — single people living alone, parents homeschooling their kids while also working from home, and of course, couples.

Fighting is an evil inevitable in any relationship but a lot of couples are quarreling more than usual. And of course, they are! They are unable to get a moment away from their partners. In normal life, you’re away from our partners for most of the day. Between work, errands, social hangs, and other life obligations, you can be lucky enough to see your partner 2–3 hours before you pass out.

But alas, we are not in normal life right now. We are quarantined. You are within 10 feet of your partner at all times and we can’t escape for a moment of solitude and the frequency of fighting with your partner has probably increased (quite a bit?).

Knowing that this time is especially difficult for couples, and I will admit that I’ve chuckled at all the memes about how loud your partner is chewing, but I thought it would be helpful to share a few ways to deescalate the arguments.

1. Calm your body down

When we get angered, we can usually feel it in our bodies, i.e. faster pulse, flushed cheeks, jaw clenching. This is the body’s way of telling us that we are “in danger”. A flight or fight reaction from the cavemen days that sadly, we have not lost throughout evolution.

The first thing to take note of in an argument, especially at the beginning, is your body. Check in to see if you’re experiencing any physical symptoms of anger or anxiety. Then work to calm your body.

You can calm your body in a few ways:

Taking deep breaths: I am a big fan of box breathing, which is scientifically shown to calm your nervous system and reduce stress.

How to do box breathing:

• Close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds (slowly).
• Hold your breath at the top and count to four. (Try not to tighten up.)
• Slowly exhale for four seconds.
• Repeat the cycle three times.

If this feels too weird to do in front of your partner mid-argument, it’s okay to excuse yourself to the bathroom and take a moment to do it.

A few other ways to calm your body:

• Writing: jot down how you are feeling at this moment, even if it’s furiously typing in your Notes app.
• Stretching: It doesn’t have to be a whole Vinyasa yoga class. But taking a few minutes to slow down and stretch your muscles will always help.
• Dancing: Silly, I know, but try it. Right now, for 10 seconds! I swear it’s an instant mood lifter.
• Singing: Again, silly but singing brings a lot of oxygen into your body, which calms you down.

Now that your body is calmed down your brain and body are no longer in the “fight or flight” mode so you’re back to you and you’re in a much better place to have a rational conversation. It’s also easier to remember some grounding principles.

It’s not you against them — it’s both of you against the argument

When we think of the word “fight” we immediately think of an enemy or opponent; to fight there has to be someone you are fighting against. But in relationships, this is a dangerous way to think of fighting or arguments with your partner.

If it’s not you versus your partner. That means there has to be a winner and a loser and that’s never healthy in a relationship.

Remember to shift your mindset — it’s you (the couple) versus the argument.

It’s not about winning. It’s about coming to a conclusion that is acceptable and reasonable for both of you. Think about you and your partner strategizing together to create a solution to the problem you are facing.

This helps both of you not to take the fight, or what is being said in the argument, personal.

It’s not about the argument — it’s how you fight

I heard a therapist say this recently and it struck me. It doesn’t matter if you and your partner are in an argument about finances, parenting, or chewing volume. No matter the seriousness or frequency of your arguments, it all comes down to how you fight.

Don’t

Don’t talk over each other. Listen to what the other person has to say. And ask open questions.

Don’t use this opportunity to bring up other issues you’re having or past conflicts. This will make your partner feel piled on. Keep to the issue at hand. If you feel like other issues relate to what you’re talking about, and it must be addressed at the moment, do so gently.

Don’t attack them or assume anything — this puts the other person in a state of defense. I know this is easier said than done, that’s why it helps to calm your body. If you’re noticing that you’re attacking/assuming or feel like you’re about to, take a moment to calm your body.

Do

Do use “I” statements. We’ve all heard this a million times since the Fourth Grade but it is key. “You” statements assume your partner’s intentions and will likely anger them. Using “I” statements, explains the impact of your partner’s actions, without assuming intent.

Do be honest about what you are feeling and ask for what you need. This won’t immediately solve the issue but it’s the only way you and your partner can come to a mutual solution.

Do try to keep it light if you can. If your partner never puts their dirty laundry in the hamper, it probably drives you nuts, and if you’re like me, it can even feel like they don’t appreciate you or your time. And those feelings are valid. But at the end of the day, it’s dirty laundry; which is minor compared to the love you feel for your partner. Find a way to express your feelings while keeping it light.

There is no shortage of weirdos on the apps. Thankfully, there are a few red flags to look out for in a guy’s dating app profile to spot those weirdoes. Here are six of them.

TOO SARCASTIC

As online dating profiles go, there is a fine line between sarcasm and showing your humor. Personally, my own profile has been on the wrong side a few times. It’s hard to be funny in a little blurb and sarcasm is a tool that makes it a lot easier.

Use your best judgment. If the sarcasm is hitting you over the head, doesn’t make you laugh, and overall comes off as negative take it as a sign.

PESSIMISTIC ABOUT DATING

I can’t believe I even have to say this but no one should be airing their grievances on their dating profile. Read the room, dude! I get it. Dating is hard. Dating on apps is even harder. But this is not the place. If someone is willing to complain about how much they loathe dating, online or otherwise, on their online dating profile, they are all but guaranteed to have a negative attitude about almost everything else.

Promising the World

Telling me that he’s one of the few guys who still practices in chivalry, he’s going to treat me like a queen, sweep me off my feet, and we will have a wonderful life together. Instead of telling me about himself, he’s promising me results, which is great for sales copy but he’s not a product and I’m not a consumer. I’m a person looking for a meaningful relationship and to do that I need to know about him, not a generic version of a fairytale.

Inspirational

This guy always freaks me out. I get that he wants to come off as inspirational and positive but is that his whole personality? No because no one on earth is single faceted, especially not completely positive. When I see those profiles, I always ask — what is he compensating for? He is compensating for a lack of emotional intelligence, especially around the tough stuff. This guy will very likely struggle with communicating difficult topics, processing negative emotions, and establishing boundaries.

I’m not against any and all positivity on profiles but it shouldn’t read like your life coaching bio.

Very Specific

I am all for putting in a line or two about what you are looking for in a partner but I’ve seen way too many profiles that read like a job description. Not only does this not tell me anything about this guy but I’m almost certainly going to disappoint him. Even if I magically check off the laundry list of things he wants (funny, smart, fit, attractive, loves to hike…), someone with this mentality has a very specific idealistic image of his partner and their relationship. Of course, that’s not how relationships or people work. We’re dynamic, complicated; we contradict ourselves and we evolve. We need to be prepared for that in relationships.

Negging

This should go without saying, but I fear that too many of us are inferring negging as hilarious sarcasm.

Telling me that “no one cares” about my yoga pose is both dismissive of my interests and really boring. It doesn’t tell me anything about his personality. If his goal was to give insight to his interests, rather, non-interests (he can’t stand yoga, or women photographing their practice, inexplicably), then he failed. Even if I also despised yoga (I don’t), this wouldn’t be information I would need to see if we’d hit it off. We can’t build a relationship of “hating things”. Imagine our first conversation — just complaining back and forth. No thank you.

Take any of these “archetypes” with a grain of salt. They are generalizations. People are multidimensional. And dating app profiles are really hard to write (and I’m a writer). These may be signs of something more but they don’t have to be deal breakers. Feel free to explore. You can also be cognizant of these signs when you’re swiping.