I was reading a book about the importance of aunts in the lives of famous people throughout history and it was noted that there is no known role for aunts in the animal kingdom. Groups of animals are often cared for by females of the species, but the role of aunts is indistinct from unrelated females of the herd. In humans, the story can be vastly different.

The aunt role has been poignant for me over the last several months. Not only did I lose one of my dear aunts, but I recently lost a beloved friend, who I assigned the moniker of “Other Aunt.” In addition, as I start my 6th decade on this piece of rock, I am more in touch with my most important job of aunt than ever before.

Growing up, my aunts were important in my life. My great aunt Rose was such a sweet woman and sent a birthday card every year. I did not see Aunt Rita, my father’s sister-in-law, much as a child, but I always remember hearing great things about her and know she is an amazing mother. I was fortunate to reconnect with her as an adult. The strength of her family continues to make a deep impression on me.

My mother’s two sisters were constant, major influences in my life. Aunt Jo and Aunt Audrey were the youngest of my mother’s 4 siblings, both with huge personalities. The three Fix (my mother’s maiden name) girls were all pregnant the same year with me and my two cousins, Lisa and Stuart. Another cousin, Jana, was born one year later. We were “the girls,” even though one was not. The sisters had a lot in common, yet were quite different, and I adored them both. I was fortunate to spend a great deal of time with them over the years.

Last year, Aunt Jo died, and I was devastated. We all loved to be around her because she was so much fun. Until later in life, she was always happy, laughing, and seemed to love life. She was beautiful and looked like Doris Day, when she was younger. She and her husband traveled extensively, and lived in South Africa and Mexico, where my uncle worked for extended stints. Although for many years during my childhood they lived in Weston, Connecticut, I was fortunate to spend a great deal of time with her. I visited them for two weeks in the summer when I was thirteen (without my family) and remember so many details of that stay, including my first short haircut ever. It was also the first time I learned that a mango was actually a fruit. Where I grew up, a mango was a green pepper! Aunt Jo was opinionated, intelligent, strong and sophisticated. After her husband (my dear Uncle Jack) died and she left her home, she was very unhappy. Although I hated seeing her so miserable, I miss her terribly and will always be grateful for her influence. Her photo is framed on my nightstand and her laugh echoes in my memories.

Aunt Audre, my mother’s other sister, is also a force of nature. I loved going to her house outside of Cincinnati when I was growing up. They had motorcycles, a pool, and air conditioning!!!! Aunt Audre is a wonderful cook and mother. She loves chocolate and hid it from us; however, we generally found the hiding places. She was always the belle of the ball and plugged into Cincinnati society. I was not really interested in that but thought it must be important and cool! As I got older, I was so worried about what she thought of me and my appearance. Over the years, the relationship has become so much better because I let the pretense go. I am fortunate that she is still in my life.

Because my aunts were so pivotal in my life and because I think my niece and nephews are the BEST people in the universe, being an aunt is my biggest privilege. I have two stepdaughters, but unlike my aunts, I had no children who lived with me, so I am even more involved in the lives of my niece and nephews than many are. I’m that aunt that goes to kindergarten graduation and tries to outdo everyone with THE birthday gift. When my niece, Andrea (the oldest), started talking she could not pronounce my name, but called me “Aunt Yessie,” and I remain that. I’m also fortunate to be an aunt to some of my friends’ children who I have known all or most of their lives.

What do aunts offer that is special?

· We are much more lenient than parents

· We give icing as a birthday gift

· We can tell our nieces and nephews about our wild years to ensure that we were once cool

· We can tell stories about our siblings from our childhood

· We make sure that our nieces and nephews know how great their parents are (if we want to keep seeing them)

· We can listen to things that our nieces and nephews don’t want to tell their parents and keep them secret (unless it jeopardizes their safety, of course)

· We can straddle the line between friend and family

· We will always support our nieces and nephews

In a previous blog where I discuss the ripple effect and in-laws, I write about my nephew-in-law, Kendall, whom I absolutely adore. The first person in his family that my niece met was his Aunt Erin. When I found out that Kendall had an involved aunt like I am, I was over the moon. His family had to be awesome! Erin and I called each other, “Other Aunt.” She was at every event, was the life of the party, was always happy, and was one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. Frankly, she aunt-shamed me, without trying. Until I met her, I thought I was the end all and be all of aunts. But no one “aunted” like Aunt Erin. She thought of things that I never dreamed of. She was like the concierge of aunts-she had crayons and coloring books in her car at all times. I didn’t even try to compete because I knew it was futile. And she was the kind of person who I could never be jealous of because she was all love.

This spring, Aunt Erin succumbed to a sudden illness, leaving a void that is nearly unbearable. Any congregation of family WAS Aunt Erin. With coronavirus, it may be a little easier to ignore her absence as we cannot gather. Six months ago, Aunt Erin and I became great aunts for the first time when Matthew Apollo Frazier was born. I have struggled with how we can ensure that he knows her, despite her physical absence. The only hope is if we all give him a little piece of our hearts and tell him about her, he will get a glimpse of the huge heart she had.

Aunts are a special breed, but uncles, don’t despair. I love you too and may have to write another blog devoted to you. The fact that three men, including my father, persevered with the Fix girls is a miracle in itself!

I am convinced that at least one form of heaven is the beautiful memory one leaves for those still on earth. Aunt Jo and Aunt Erin are not here for me to hug or to tell how much I love them, but I have no doubt they are truly in heaven because of the indelible mark they left on my heart.

After Thanksgiving, I spent a week with family on vacation in the Turks and Caicos, and this realization became very acute. The occasion for the trip was my sister-in-law’s sixtieth birthday celebration. You may ask “why is this so unusual?” It is a little weird because my sister-in-law is NO LONGER married to my brother, yet she asked my husband and me to go with her on the vacation. Said sister-in-law happens to also be one my best friends and is more like a sister to me, except we don’t fight. She has been a huge part of my life since 1986. She supported me through the death of my husband and I supported her through her divorce. Valentine’s Day was a huge event with my late husband. The first one after his death, my sister-in-law drove to my house (45 minute drive) with the three kids and brought me flowers and a vase with Valentine’s Day cards. I will never forget that kindness. She raised the most amazing children on the face of the planet and always let me be involved in their lives as much as I wanted to be. No matter what happened with my brother’s relationship with her, I never stopped loving her. She is the best gift my brother ever gave me.

When my brother married her, I liked her a lot, but I never would have imagined how much better my life would be with her as a part of it. Fast forward to me getting re-married. My sister-in-law, brother, and their kids loved my husband. The ripples keep going, adding more wonderful dimensions to life. So even though their marriage ended, we are lucky enough to be able to spend time with both of them, even if it is often separate from one another . And sometimes, they spend time together with the kids and us. My niece and nephews love my husband-something I didn’t consider when I fell in love with him, but another blessing. Ripple, ripple.

I am the youngest of three siblings, all medical doctors. My father was a chemical engineer with an MBA. My mother has a degree in botany and a teaching degree. We are a minimum two degree family! My husband graduated from high school, and I was truly worried that my family would not accept him. I am ashamed that I didn’t give them more credit. In fact, they like him more than they do me! Ripple, ripple, ripple.

Fast forward to the next generation-my niece got married 3 years ago. Obviously, I wanted her to marry someone we all would like, but it was most important that she be happy and that he treat her well. But again, the ripples just keep going on and on. I feel like he has always been my nephew. He is a perfect fit. He makes life so easy because he is so wonderful and a joy to be around. AND, he and my husband became very close. They went on a trip together to ride the Rockies- a one week cycling trip through the Rocky mountains. More great unintended consequences of finding a wonderful partner. Ripple, ripple, ripple.

Can you fast backward????? My uncle, who would have been 90 on Christmas Eve, died last week. He was my mother’s sister’s husband. My mother is the oldest of 5 children and one of three sisters. All of the men that the sisters chose were amazing and are all gone now. All in-laws and all amazing role models. My father was a stereotypical urban child of the depression who ate mush often and had to put cardboard in his shoes when he had holes in them. He never fell into the polenta trap. You know, the fancy, foodie high brow trick where they make you think mush is something special? He swore he would never eat cornmeal mush again, no matter what it was called! During the depression, my mother’s family lived in the country and had a maid. They did not suffer the same indignities that many did. Like my father, my two uncles were also self-made men from humble beginnings. My mother and aunts all found men who were smart, kind, funny, successful, and great fathers who were all raised in very different environments than they were. The effect their choices had on our lives was very significant. Ripple, ripple, ripple. The effect my mother’s choice of my father had on me is obvious, but who would have expected such and impact from the choices my aunts made? My Uncle Jack died a few years ago, and before his death, he and I became quite close. He and I emailed often, sharing jokes and we discussed some serious topics, including God. I still miss him. Uncle Carl, who just passed away was a gastroenterologist and was well-respected, with such a kind heart and twinkle in his eye, and worked until he was about 80 years old. Like my aunts, these men were instrumental in forming the person I am. Ripple, ripple, ripple.

So, my point is, when choosing your spouse, think of the implications not just on your life but on that of your family. My other sage advice, even though politics and religion are important, don’t underestimate the importance of compatibility when it comes to choosing the thermostat setting!

I flew home on Sunday and went back to the airport Monday and left again for her services. I love this family so much. I have known the couple since 1986, and my first husband and I spent many hours with them, having some wonderful times. I feel a special connection with their daughter who is an adult who recently got married. My baby gift for her was the one that she treasured-Bunny was the stuffed animal that she HAD to have everywhere she went. It was white, and when it got dirty her mom tried to replace it but she was having none of that! I got to see Bunny, who is a little worse for wear, when I was there for the funeral.

I spent a few days with her family and had that indescribable human spiritual experience of deep pain mixed with incredible gratitude. I saw people from my past that stirred up so many mixed emotions about my late husband. But her daughter spoke at the graveside and reminded me again of the alternative of never having known the people I have lost. She reminded me to remember that despite sad times and times of illness, we can’t forget the wonderful times and all of the amazing pieces of the ones we love, even if we didn’t always see the positives at the end.

Life is an infinity of layers. The ripple effect that just one person has is amazing. Rekindling relationships that were dormant and building new ones from those three days have just enriched my life even more. Just when I thought it couldn’t get richer. This woman, this friend, made a difference in my life. My heart is broken that she is gone. I hear her laugh and I see her smile and the twinkle in her eye. But I still believe the pain is worth it.

Animals have been a huge part of my life since I was a child. My parents were both professionals, but I was fortunate to grow up on 116 acres in southern Indiana, where we swam in a pond, had a huge garden, had horses that we rode, and raised cattle. We always had dogs-one for each child. And we also had cats. We tried to have ducks, but my German Shepherd, Puella, ate most of them. My brothers are 6 and 7 years older so my dogs and cats were my playmates. I dressed my dog in human clothes and had tea parties with her. Despite the fact that we had many of the same experiences as my rural neighbors, we really never did fit in. No one else named their cows after the Greek alphabet or had dog names that were Latin.

My relationship with a Higher Power has gone from none to many variations over my life, but I ALWAYS see something greater than myself in the eyes of a dog, particularly my souldog, Neko. When I look in his eyes I see all that is good in the world and beyond.

I “met” Neko on Facebook about 4 years ago. He was about 20–30 pounds underweight and had spent most of his life on a chain, outside, regardless of the weather conditions. A witness from a small town outside of Nashville saw his owner drive him out in the country and dump him. Being the amazing soul that he is, he ran after the truck containing the contemptible man. He was rescued by an amazing woman, Janet, and fostered by another amazing woman, Trisha. He was malnourished and had sores all over his feet. He was given food, love and veterinary care by these amazing women and much of his veterinary care was funded by Tom, another angel. He was too large for Trisha to keep and he needed a home where he could run, so she put him on Facebook. And I saw those eyes.

I drove 4 hours to meet Trisha. On the way down, my brain questioned, but my heart did not. It was like going on a blind date knowing I was going to marry the person! I worried that he wouldn’t get along with Heidi, our wonderful rescue dog, or he would have behavioral problems. But my heart said he would be fine. When I met him I was amazed at how large he was. I had a dog bed and a large crate in the back of my car, but he sat in the passenger seat and slept the entire 6 hours back. I brought him around to the back of the house and he slept with me that night. We introduced him to Heidi in the morning and they did fine. She was the boss, but he was okay with that. When Heidi died, he was lost. He wanted to be led.

This is my soul dog. He is such a love. He loves life. He loves people. He wiggles his rear end at everything. Every day is a joy to him. He chases birds and swims. Every morning he acts like today is the day he will catch the bird. And he brings so much joy to me. We got another dog a couple of months after Heidi passed away because Neko didn’t know what to do. And the acceptance he has for the other dog is just so unbelievable. He occasionally protests sharing me with him, but otherwise, he is very accepting.

Neko knows my heart. He is love, goodness, kindness, understanding, compassion, and happiness rolled into one warm, furry ball. Feeling him next to me every night is such a comfort. And every morning when I wake up and see those eyes, I see all that is good and right with the universe. He still runs after the car when I leave. But I will always come back to him. He is home.

Now, when people at medical meetings ask me how I am, I say “Great! Life is great.” It really throws them off. I don’t mind talking about work, but I like to talk about life. Many of these people I have known for over 20 years and have become friends as well as colleagues. I want to hear about their kids and the traveling they have done. Maybe because I am in the later years of my career and don’t feel like I have to prove myself so much anymore, I don’t care to talk so much about work.

I also hear this in groups I am in unrelated to my job. When is the last time you heard someone say, “I have so much free time, I just don’t know what to do with it?” And the reason I am busy is because I CHOOSE to be. AND because I have been blessed with a full life and wonderful people to spend time with. If I complain about being busy, whose fault is that? It is all my fault. I cycle, swim, and spend time outside. I play with my dogs. I like cooking dinner for my husband. I work more than one job. I spend time with my family, in-laws, and friends. I binge watch shows on Netflix and Amazon. I like to travel and read. All of those are choices!

Here is my challenge: when you see someone you haven’t seen for awhile, catch them off guard and ask them about their lives and DON’T tell them how busy you are. If you are too busy and DON’T like it, change it!

Intellectually, I have known for some time that relationships are the most important things in my life. But the message finally traveled from my head to my heart. My world is filled with as many facets as the lives I am honored to play even a minor role in. My best friend’s daughter sent a text thanking me for being her “second mom.” I heard from my niece and nephews and my step-daughter. I got cards and calls from so many people that I love. I read every Facebook message I received. The messages came from so many parts of my life-all of the different schools, training, jobs, fellowship, activities. I am humbled at how rich my life is.

My mother is 91 and I was so grateful to spend a few hours with her, where it all began! I try to take every opportunity to thank her for being my mom. I want her to know how lucky I feel. She is an amazing woman and I can’t believe I have had the privilege to spend so many years with her. She told me that she wants someone to explain infinity to her. She said she can’t really believe it exists until someone explains it. I hope my mind stays that active.

Both of my brothers called. Not only am I the youngest, I am the only girl. I won the child order lottery. I didn’t just get two big brothers; I got amazing brothers. And even though I have no sister, I have women in my life that are just like sisters without the fights! I talked to Amy, my sister-in-law, who is like a sister. I got to spend some time with my best friend too. And the layers there go on and on. Her daughter and husband are very dear to me, as are her father and her mother-in-law.

I can’t imaging my life without these people, but I have lost people who I couldn’t imagine losing. I still can’t believe that Michael, my first husband, died at age 46. His life force was so huge that it is still boggling that it could go away. When I think about Don, Kristin, and my friend, Kim, who recently lost Joe, the love of her life, I can’t fathom EVER dreading a birthday.

If I wrote about all of the people in my life that are so important, I would be writing forever. I am not a mathematician and I can’t recite the formulas or explanations for infinity, but the love I feel for and from those in my life is the best demonstration of infinity that I know.

Last week we had our annual meeting in Washington, DC and celebrated the 25th anniversary of the founding of the physician toxicology organization, the American College of Medical Toxicology. As a founding member and past president, I volunteered to emcee the gala dinner. I think it was the most difficult presentation of my life. I have been in front of hundreds of people and have spoken in multiple countries, but these are the heroes and rock stars of my field! Combining humor and respect into something meaningful is a tall order.

Ideas swirled in my head for over a month. They started to gel over weeks and I had some written down by the time the conference started last week. By the day of the event, I was starting to practice and refine the “show.” That morning I received an email that a dear friend and colleague who was 47 years old passed away. It was very difficult to work on a celebration while I was so devastated.

But it reminded me of seeing a grief counselor when my first husband, Michael, died. She tried to explain to me the various layers of human emotion that we have simultaneously. In the past, I was so black and white. When I woke up, I decided it was either a good day or a bad day. Then I fulfilled that prophecy for the next 24 hours. Today, I know that every day is good and bad. There are always happy and sad things around me, even if I don’t recognize them. Welcome to the human condition!

Losing my father was a poignant example of that life lesson. I was shattered to lose my favorite person, but at the same time, so grateful for the man I had as a father and for all the years I had with him. The loss, joy, and gratitude all flowed together. As I mourn the loss of my friend, I also am so grateful for having known her and for all of the wonderful relationships this career has afforded me. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a whole other set of support and love from my colleagues.

What I value most today are my relationships. The rest can and will come and go. I had no idea of the connections I would make when I chose my medical specialty. I am sad today but very blessed.

It seems so trite to talk about how time flies. But I swear it was just yesterday that my brothers and I were swimming in our pond and our parents were taking care of all of our real problems. I still cannot reconcile the fact that I will never see my father again, even though he has been gone almost 12 years. It seems truly impossible that I won’t hear his voice or hold his hand again. I look at my brothers’ gray hair and can’t imagine a world without them. That bond is indescribable. How can the people who drive you so insane be the ones that you love the most and the ones that understand you the best?

A couple of months ago, I had a really bad day. I worked at the clinic near my mom’s house and didn’t finish until about 9pm. All I wanted to do was go to my mother’s house and cry on her shoulder. I felt like such a baby, but decided why not do it while I still can? So I walked in and started crying as I told her it was nothing serious, but I just wanted to cry. Of course, her first instinct, as always, was to offer me food! That explains a lot! We talked and I cried for about an hour and I went home. What a wonderful gift.

I am the youngest of my original immediate family (not sure if that is a true classification) and I have a song on my iPod by Kathy Mattea called “Whose gonna know.” I have to skip past it every time it comes on because I wail when I hear it. It is about the youngest and what happens when she is the only one left and the only one that remembers. Okay-wailing. I sometimes come up with lists to think about when I can’t go to sleep. One night I started counting the number of people who are still alive that have known me since I was born. The list is really not that long. Even cousins that are older didn’t live near me so didn’t meet me until I was 5 or 6.

Then there is the next generation. I have 3 nephews and one niece who I adore. They all have birthdays in March, April and May, so I reflect on my relationship with them during the Spring. Their birthdays are probably the best days of my life. I don’t have my own children, so I call them my “almost children.” In some ways it is probably good that I didn’t have my own because there is no way they would have been as wonderful as these four. I try to attend special events when they have them and some of the best times I have ever had have been with them. Watching their lives bloom is such an honor.

I am so grateful for my family and that we were raised to be close. I am also grateful that my husband and his family are the same way. I know that not everyone grew up that way and not everyone can be or wants to be with their families. But I do know that as the years pass, all of those little things that seemed so irritating and important aren’t anymore. I am very fortunate to also have some of the most wonderful friends in the world because my family taught me how to love. Some things are so easy for me to understand in my head, but can take a while to get to my heart. This family bond is in my heart and in my bones.

Next time, I’ll try to lighten up!

Confession time-no matter how hard I work on myself and try to be a better person, I seem to have a physical and emotional need to explode at people on the phone after I’ve been on hold and the person seems to have no clue what is going on. I gird my loins and try to take a deep breath before I call. Then as I’m on hold, the pressure builds and builds. If I don’t get what I want, I explode! One of the bad things is that I can’t apologize later because I have no idea even what country the person is in! But maybe that is why I explode, because they don’t know me and will probably never talk to me again. Did you say Karma???? End of rant.

Good to know that I never have to worry about being perfect, but I will keep trying to get better! On my gravestone, maybe they can put: heidi$%Tesla0516NekoJackson?

Neko trying to remember his iPhone password

In 2006, I had the year from hell. In addition to my father dying, our young German Wire haired Pointer, Emma, either ran away or was stolen. We were heartbroken. So, I found another dog on Petfinder. She was a 9 month old German Wire haired Pointer and was in Texas. Her owners lived in Mexico and left her at a Petsmart in Texas because the wife was pregnant and they didn’t have room for a dog anymore. So, while she is technically a rescue, she never had a hard day in her life that I know of. I had her flown in to Columbus on United and my nephew and I went to get her at the airport. I told him, “it is like going on a blind date knowing you are going to marry the person!” Her owners sent photos and all of her veterinary papers along with her AKC registration.

She was a spunky, smart, stubborn, loving dog. Brian loved her as much as a person can love a dog. Every morning he told her to be a good girl and that he would be back. He massaged her legs every night. This is making me cry. She would retrieve a ball from the lake as many times as it could be thrown. She pushed her nose up against our leg when she wanted to be petted and she leaned against us often. After one of our other dogs died, she was the only one left. She was happy being an “only child.”

Four years ago, I saw a German Wire haired Pointer on Facebook. He was in Tennessee, where two women saw him on a chain all day and night, regardless of weather. He was 20+ pounds underweight and had sores all over his feet. They saw the owner dump him in a field and drive away when he was about 1 year old. They picked him up and the owner came back to get him. They said he could either give them his papers or he could take him back and they would call the police. He surrendered the dog. The foster home could not keep him much longer, so they put his beautiful mug on Facebook. I fell in love with him. So, 3+ years ago, I drove 6 hours to Tennessee, each way, and got Neko.

Heidi was not really a fan of other dogs, but she got along with Neko and came to tolerate him and probably loved him. But, he loved her and has been bewildered ever since she died. She was the boss and he doesn’t seem to know what to do. He follows me everywhere, insists on riding in the car with me, and looks very sad when he is at home.

My brothers are 6 and 7 years older than I and we grew up on a farm. There were no neighbors to play with, so my animals were my playmates. My first dog, Puella (Latin for girl), was my first best friend. We always had weird animal names-the cows were named after the Greek alphabet, some dogs had Latin names, and then there were the normal animal names, like Flops and Rocky. There was the occasional sinister name (Satan). I remember going to the store and my mom asking me, “Do we need food for Satan?” There were some weird looks.

Puella was Velcro and was with me everywhere. I dressed her up and had tea parties for her. At one point I considered becoming a veterinarian, but I couldn’t handle animals being sick. I know, what about people? I guess many of peoples problems are of their own making while animals are totally innocent. I loved my first dog so much that when we had to move to the suburbs in Kansas when I was 16, I left her on the farm with the renter there. I thought she would be happier. That was one of the hardest decisions ever, but one I have never regretted.

Back to Heidi — what a wonderful dog, child, and companion. Whenever I lose a person or a pet, I have to ask myself, “Was knowing them worth the pain?” So far, my answer has always been yes. There may come a time when I live without a dog, but I can’t imagine it. Brian and I have both been looking for young female German Wire haired Pointer. I found the perfect dog, but it is a male. Brian wants a female.

When we were in Antarctica, Brian did the polar plunge and had me video it. He said, “I am doing this in honor of my best friend, Heidi, for all the times she jumped in the cold water for me.” Our hearts are heavy, but Heidi will always hold a place in them.

Heidi doing what she loved best and her ashes on the nightstand