Life is fleeting.

The years go by so fast than the days. You never pay attention to even notice them go by. It just hits you on a random Tuesday that its been three years since you felt really happy. Since you laughed from your heart. You really can’t point to the second happiness faded away from your skin. Or when life got sucked out of you. You can no longer explain what it feels like to be alive.

Ironic.

You are so caught up on chasing dreams, achieving goals and trying to “make it.” Your friends live lives you dream of even though you have twice their potential. That is what hurts the most. But, you don’t even know anything behind their little facade. Yet, it eats you inside. Anxiety has become your personality. Instead of acknowleding you suffer from anxiety, you own that anxiety like its something to be proud of. Forgetting it’s something that steals life out of you, and I need you to be so delusional that anxiety has nothing on you.

Harder said than done.

If you don’t hit your quarterly goals, you start spiralling. How will you afford your life. How will you pay for this, for that. How. How. How. It never stops there. But, that’s a tomorrow problem. I need you to live today, let tomorrow be a tomorrow problem. You need to believe in your self more and your ability to weather any storm that comes your way. I need you to believe that this too shall pass. I need you to believe that you’re a child of the universe and all of its abundance.

Okay?

I need you to live life like you mean it. Live in the present that is, right here. Now. You are so worried about a future you don’t even know you exist in. I mean, even tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Come on, your twenties are meant to be lived and enjoyed to the fullst. Because, in 20 years, the things you’re so worried about won’t even matter anymore, you won’t even remember them.

How about you create time to live, love and have fun. Do things that you love, make mistakes, learn, fail again and again and again. Leave a trail of disaster wherever you step. Life is so bigger than bills and worryiong about the future.

Make life your bitch. Enjoy the present. Be intentional. Purpose to be happy. Because now is all we have.

And I’ll alway be here to live it with you and to cheer you on.

I love you.

The month of April was the hardest month for me. It’s usually a bad month and I’m always prepared for it. But, this time around was different. I saw myself slipping away slowly and for the first time, I didn’t know how to pull myself out. I dreaded waking up every morning, I hated my life and everything around me. And for some reason, I just couldnt figure it out.

Whenever I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t recognize myself.

I felt lost.

Life had no meaning.

I wondered what was the reason for my existence.

But, I learned something in the process. To stay still and let time pass. To accept and go through the motions of life. To break down. To cry my eyes out. To let life be. Because, it’s a season, a bad day, not a bad life. I had to purposely focus on the good days that I’ve had in the past. The bad days and how that is a part of life and this too shall pass.

I had to get out of my head. Get out of my house. And purposely choose to live life. I mean, I wasn’t going to figure it out in one day. So, I chose to enjoy the present, the now. Live one day at a time. Try to make each day worth living. I started journaling to figure out my emotions. Started making life fun for me. Doing little things to make each day fun. Going on solo dates to reconnect with myself. Spending time outside with nature.

Because, this is my life.

And, I am the creator of my life.

I choose to live. To experience. To be happy.

His phone call came as a savior,

Pulled me out of a really dark place,

Plunged me into a new world of love,

A world I was ready to swim in,

His love plunged me deeper,

I swam too close to the sharks,

The love turned darker than midnight,

Only that I was still holding onto it,

Deep down I knew dawn will come,

And it will soon be alright,

We will smile at each other with love,

Hold onto each other like super glue,

I hated the darker days and night,

As the love turns to depths of toxicity,

The gaslighting and manipulation,

Rule the day when the sun goes down,

Casting a shadow of doubt over my heart,

Sometimes I don't want to be in control,

I want to let go of all the future promises,

How tables turn is a compete mystery.

Five hard years (thanks to Miss Rona) of working my ass off for that degree only to come out to no one waiting for me, you know. The world was just moving without me. I thought I’d be ushered into the adult world with a celebration, but that’s not how life works. Sadly. It came as a shock and short of my expectations because I’m all alone and I have to make decisions, look for a job and be a responsible adult. Like no way, I’m I doing all that on my own. Yeah, I do that now. It’s been like six months, but feels like an eternity.

Life after campus is not glamorous at all and there’s no manual for it, let alone a warning.

Some days I really miss those five years. Because they were the best and I wasn’t forced to be an adult. My degree wasn’t so hard or demanding. I was in the city, fresh from the village, and every day was a learning journey for me. Which was so much fun. I had myself to discover places to go and people to meet. Every moment was a fresh experience, but now, it’s different. Every moment is a challenge that I rather ignore, but I can’t because you know ‘adulting.’

So here is what I’ve learnt;

1. Job hunting is the worst unless you have ‘connections’

The job market is one place that is ruthless to newbies fresh from campus. With no experience, it’s going to take more than that crisp CV, resume and the grace of God to get a job in a country like mine. Which is why I gave up on job search long time ago. I mean, I tried, but I guess I don’t have the muscle nor the patience for it. I would live on the streets if I relied on that for so long. I had to find another way, which wasn’t easy at first, but at least I had food on the table every day. So, if you are yet to graduate, cultivate some skills that you can monetize unless you are promised a job out here.

2. Groceries are expensive, and bills need to be paid

When I was on campus, I lived in a hostel and all bills were taken care of. So nothing to worry about and my schoolwork was manageable. But ever since I moved out, I can tell you, I don’t waste the tiniest of groceries. Like I have bills to pay now. Like when did I grow up so fast, I’m a child, for heaven’s sake? I can’t remember how many times I’ve had to remind myself to be a responsible adult since I now have to literally take care of myself. All this can be overwhelming at first, but then you realize you got yourself. You can’t give up on yourself. The worst part is when taking care of simple bills becomes an uphill task because honestly without stable income, things will be hard. So you got to grow up fast. I had to.

3. I am so unsupervised

This is fun and not fun at the same time (does this make sense?) Anyway, being out of campus is the best because now I can do whatever I want with no one cautioning me, which is so bad. I mean, I like it here, but no one is reminding me I have responsibilities now, or I have to make certain decisions because I have to. I hate it but I love it sometimes because I get to be me all the time. It gives me some space to grow and tend myself in the way I love. But also no one is there to lead me on and cheer me on, which can be lonely sometimes.

In conclusion, life after campus is not a bed of roses. There’s a lot that goes on out here. Campus may cocoon you from the harsh reality, but the sooner you get it, the better. Took me a while but I’ll eventually get there. One other thing is to take life one step at a time. Just like I am, and I am glad that I have to experience this phase of life.

1. Taking it one day at a time

This has been one of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt. I struggle with anxiety, especially when things don’t work out. I get so worried about things out of my control and I can’t start explaining how that affects my productivity. But plus side is I am learning mindfulness and being present in the moment. I am practicing gratitude and celebrating minute milestones. As a result, I’ve been able to tame my anxiety and also improved my productivity.

2. Getting up early

This, my people, is a lifesaver, literally. I used to live off campus and most of my classes started at 7 am. Being in Nairobi, the traffic is damn crazy. So I used to wake up not later than 5 am in order to be ready and also cater for getting to campus. What I’m trying to say is I don’t struggle with waking up early, but I struggle with getting out of bed if I didn’t plan out my day the previous night.

I had to cultivate the habit of scribbling down tasks for the next day and leaving it open on my desk. This way, I condition my mind to wake up early. Another thing that has helped, is setting my alarm in intervals of 15 minutes. So say at 4:45 am and another at 5 am. As a result, my body is awake I sit at my desk. I use the 15 minutes to wake my body either by staring at the ceiling and questioning my life decisions or going back to sleep for the next alarm. *Laughs in tears

4. Mandatory breaks

I’m not talking about a 20 minute breaks, no, I’m talking about taking a whole day off and doing things you enjoy. Mondays are very slow for me and those are my days off. This helps rewire my brain and rejuvenates my mind. Like those days off, there’s no work activity at all. It’s just me being the laziest version I can ever be. It works wonders because now, the following day, I’m ready to work like crazy. Funny, today is Tuesday.

In order to make this work, I plan out my work for the entire week, starting Tuesday, of course. I ensure all work is catered for to create room for a day off that is not a weekend. I usually do more extra work each day to get a free day. I work from home and I’m self-employed, so it is much easier. Key point is find what works for you and stick with it.

5. Time management is key

If you can manage your time well, it can ease up the pressure. What I do is ensure I have my day planned out the previous night to prepare my mind. So I know which task comes before which. This way, I can visualize the amount of tasks I have and then be able to allocate time. It also helps with getting up early. With time management, prioritization is the most important thing as it helps a lot with productivity. I came up with a schedule that accommodates all my activities. I know what I do well in the mornings and afternoons. Evenings are usually off work and just chilling.

I hope you find these tips helpful and relatable. Let me know in the comments.

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still — Chinese Proverb

At one point in my life, I almost gave up on myself. I had no one to talk to and I had no reason to keep going. But I always pushed myself and reminded myself that it will get better. I’m glad I went through that because it made me who I am today. I realized I can be strong and I am strong because I’ve gone through a lot.

This point taught me that life wasn’t waiting for me to deal with my lows. Time never stopped, even when I woke up with no desire to tackle the day, I made it to the next day. This is a reminder to keep going, even if you don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Life isn’t waiting for you while you shut down. It’s okay to take time off from life. Just don’t get stuck in the ‘off life’. No one will wait for you. No matter what happens, time passes and life moves on.

I suggest you keep going.

Keep going, even if you feel alone. It is in this moment that we learn about ourselves. When I had no one to talk to, I had to pull through. In the end, I had myself to thank and learnt a lot about myself. I encouraged myself and motivated myself to make it through by living one day at a time.

Keep going, even when you feel hopeless. Don’t give up on yourself because you are overflowing with potential. Looking at what I have accomplished, I am glad I didn’t give up on myself. I’m glad I stuck around a little longer because I owed it to myself. You are destined for grand things in life. You just have to hold on to a glimmer of hope.

It might be hard today, and it might be even harder tomorrow, but making it through each day will be worth it.

Let me give you a backstory.

I am a really tiny human for my age and that has made me hide parts of me from the world. Being tiny has always made me feel invisible in almost all parts of my life. This is because growing up in an African home doesn’t accord you with the art of self love and self praise. Hence most of us grow up totally neglecting parts of us that deserve accolades. I can say I was conditioned to hide parts of me that are meant to shine. For instance downplay my intelligence and assume my physical looks.

But not anymore.

I am an intelligent woman, even though I have never acknowledged this for fear of being left out. As a child, I was always isolated based on the fact that I was a fast learner. So I decided to burry that part of me. But, I can’t hide it anymore because I am unique nd talented. I am no longer suppressing that part of me and I’m no longer allowing people to control who I become. I’m taking my power back.

I’m a beautiful and loving woman who needs a love that will bring her satisfaction. We accept mediocre love because we think that’s what we deserve. There were days, I got into relationships with the first sign of affection because I didn’t love myself enough. But I’m no longer accepting half-hearted love or mediocre relationships. I’m no longer allowing people who wouldn’t support me and fully love me. I am no longer settling for people who wouldn’t challenge me to create a better version of me. I am no longer settling for crumbs and pieces of things that don’t fulfil me.

I am taking my power back and closing people who define me out. People who belittle me and downplay my every moves are the worst and I am grateful they are not part of me. I have been chained for so long under people who think they know my life’s path. Well, I’m no longer interested in what they have to say or what they think. I was born to make mistakes and learn and above all live and I am not going to let anyone take that away from me. Not even me.

I’m no longer holding back the parts of me that are meant to shine. I am going to give them the wings to fly and guide me through this journey of life. I am not going to waste any more time clinging to bits of life, because I am going to push myself and live life fully. No one is going to be an obstacle. No one.

Five months ago, I graduated top of my class with my Bachelor’s degree. I remember feeling like I didn’t deserve it the moment I saw the graduation list. I still do, which is why I haven’t applied picked my certificate, let alone apply to any job, internship or scholarships yet. This is because I feel like everyone is going to discover that I am a fraud, and I don’t actually deserve my accomplishments.

I have always doubted my ability to do things, even with this article, I doubt it is good enough to be published. I feel like an impostor most of the times which has made me act like one. Sadly, this impostor syndrome is not black and white. It’s a feeling that hits me in certain moments: when I sit down to write, when I am working on my business, when I am about to apply for an internship, when I have achieved a goal I set for myself, etc. It is picking at me and slowing my progress.

As Tony Robbins says, “the story you tell is the life you live.”

I want to tell a different story and to give myself the wings to live it. The story doesn’t involve impostor syndrome. So, three weeks ago, I made a promise to myself to overcome this insecurity by doing the following;

1. Stop comparing myself to others. In the end, we are all different, only that I didn’t realize this sooner. But now, I am concentrating on my path and focusing on my own strengths because they are uniquely mine. By doing this, I slowly understand that my accomplishments are personal and I did my best in every situation. That it was all me and will still be me.
2. Unpack my feelings, especially with a close person who is my partner. This has been the best thing. It has helped me a great deal because my partner is always there to remind me of my capabilities. To remind me, I deserve every success in life and my thoughts are just irrational. Talking is a really great way to remind me who I am and what I am after in life.
3. I am acknowledging my thoughts and putting them into perspective. This way, I can reframe my thoughts whenever I feel them deflecting. This has helped me gain a deeper understanding of my thought process and my major triggers. As a result, I give myself a weapon to neutralize impostor syndrome thoughts from inception. Hence, I am learning to manage the thoughts more maturely and remind myself not to go down that road.
4. Regular journaling to tap into my inner self. The practice of journaling is a great way to understand why we are the way we are, how we think, and who we really are. It is a way to open an avenue to communicate better to ourselves because we gain an understanding of who we are. I started taking a few online prompts to help me through this insecurity and I am seeing positive results already.

While this insecurity eats us from inside, it is great to know that we can overcome it. It is even better to know that I am on a journey to free myself from its shackles.

Have you ever experienced impostor syndrome and how are you combating it?