It truly helped me to release that which wasn’t serving me anymore

My husband and I recently returned from a trip abroad and we found ourselves visiting my family. I don’t know if it was my family that caused my anxiety, or my hometown, but it was really bad.

One day my husband told me that a friend had recommended a place to purchase LSD online. It had been a while since we had partaken in the effects of LSD, so we decided to go for it. We took our tabs and walked down to the river to hang out in nature.

We had a lovely time down there and one hilarious situation had us laughing so hard that we weren’t sure if we would ever catch our breath again.

We were lying on our backs on a picnic blanket, just staring at the sky when a man came barging into our space. Now, this is public domain, and we had seen a few people coming and going through the day. We always engaged with them by saying hello, to which most greeted us back.

This guy had two walking poles and looked to be on a mission. He came marching up to the bank of the river from the trail. My partner said ‘hey’, to which the man grunted in reply. He didn’t break his stride or even stop to look at the river, he simply made a sharp left turn and then marched straight into the bush.

It took a couple of seconds to register what was going on. “That was weird I said. Is there a path over there?”

My husband started laughing and could barely squeek out a “nooooooooo.” And that was it.

If that poor guy had of been in earshot, he would have heard us laughing uncontrollably for the next 10 minutes at least. We were both gasping, wheezing and crying we were laughing so hard. Snot was flying in all directions, but we didn’t care. It seemed as though this laughter was exactly the release that we needed after our hectic months.

The laughter came and went in waves over the next couple of hours as we tried to make sense of what transpired. Did he think we were doing the naughty and he was interrupting us? Was he just that socially inept that he couldn’t even stop to look at the scenery before he moved on? We couldn’t imagine what the heck had gone through his mind.

Later, and after we finally collected ourselves enough to re-emerge into society, we walked back home. Once there, we decided to go into the backyard to smoke a joint and enjoy the remainder of the summer day.

We were sitting in deck chairs and still regaling the tale of this stranger. We realized how good it felt to laugh that hard. It had been a while for both of us. Then, at some point, I had an inkling to close my eyes.

I sat in the chair, eyes closed, just feeling the sensation of the release of tension that the LSD had provided. All of a sudden my head tilted back and I felt something like a corkscrew in my stomach. A giant corkscrew that had descended down from the heavens, but instead of screwing down, it was in reverse. I swear I could feel it dragging the tension and stress that I had been carrying around in my stomach out. I could almost see it pass from my stomach through my mind and through my forehead up into the heavens. I could certainly feel the release, the unwinding of my tightened state of being.

After what felt like 5 minutes of this, I opened my eyes. My partner was still sitting where I left him.

“Whoa, I just had a crazy experience,” I told him as I explained the sensation to him.

“That’s good he said. You needed that.” Yes, I certainly did.

I immediately felt lighter. Like a huge dead weight had been lifted from my guts and carried away into the ether. Life didn’t feel so heavy anymore, I was free to enjoy things more.

The laughter certainly started this amazing chain of events, but the finale was so powerful that I never could have predicted it. I was healed. And I felt great.

I truly believe that psychedelics have incredible healing powers when used correctly. Of course, dependence on these substances is never the answer, but in times like this, they can allow us to release tension and re-chart our future course in a healthier and more manageable way.

I’m very thankful for my LSD trip that fateful day. It helped me to shed that which wasn’t serving me anymore and set me off on a lighter and more upbeat note. I didn’t even know I needed it, but there it was.

It’s been well over a year now since I stopped paying my interest payments on my credit cards. I was done with them.

I tried to do the right thing — call the companies and explain my financial situation to them. But the response was always the same.

“So how much will you pay and when?”

I would have to come up with some sort of arbitrary date and an amount, then make sure I paid that before the date.

The thing was that I wasn’t paying my minimums with those amounts, and my interest kept piling on top of my balance and nothing was going anywhere. At least not in the right direction.

Do I get hassled?

For a while, I did, yes. I would ignore the phone calls and not reply to emails. Now I am getting threatening letters by mail. But I ignore those as well.

The thing about it is that I have done nothing illegal. I didn’t set out to spend on my credit cards and have a plan of not paying them back. One thing just led to the other and I found myself in an impossible position.

I don’t own my home or a vehicle, so I had nothing to borrow against to try and reduce this debt. It was a losing battle, plain and simple.

Is my credit screwed?

In a word, yes. But I am finally in a place where I don’t overspend. I really think that not having credit has been good for me. I have less stress and worry about impending bills, and I live within reason. I wasn’t doing that before.

I think screwing my credit was the only way that I could get my life and finances on track. Having credit really just screwed me over because I couldn’t control my spending.

These days, I can only use what is in my checking account.

Easy peasy.

Do I have regrets?

No, I don’t have any regrets. I firmly believe that things play out how they are meant to in life. I needed to have this realization and am happy that it has now come and gone.

Do I feel bad?

I feel marginally irresponsible, but I don’t feel bad. The amount of money that credit card companies make in interest is ridiculous. No, I do not feel bad for them, that is for sure.

I used to think that my credit score defined who I was as a person. I no longer feel that way. These days, I have a shitty credit rating and I couldn’t be happier with my life. I have a weight lifted off of my shoulders and I am able to move through life feeling like I can finally get something accomplished.

Of course, I don’t recommend doing this. It can really mess a person's life up in some instances. But for me, it was the right thing to do. For sure.

It’s been a life-long battle.

This isn’t a proud moment of mine and it’s not something that I recommend doing, but in early 2021 I forfeited on my credit card payments.

I had three that I had racked up. I was trying desperately to keep up with the payments, but the interest kept building until I simply stopped. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Not only was I not making enough money to make the minimum payments, plus pay all of my other bills, I was tired of spending money on nothing. I was doing nothing but further lining the pockets of the credit card companies. And it had to stop so that I could get my life back.

I had phoned them a few times to negotiate smaller payments and try to manage the ever-mounting debt. The calls always ended in, “So how much can you pay and when?”

I would have to make up some arbitrary amount and tell them some sort of date. As long as I paid the amount stated by the date I promised, I could hold them at bay. But how long could this go on? I couldn’t manage this every month and my interest just kept piling up. It became more and more frustrating and difficult.

Until one day I just decided. No more payments. I would deal with the aftermath. I knew it would send my credit into the depths of hell, but I didn’t care. I’m in my forties so there is time to recover. I didn’t see any other option and no other way to get my life back then to just walk away from all of it.

And I realized something in the process. I have had a lifelong battle with credit. Credit and I do not get along. I have never managed it well and always ended up in over my head and paying thousands of dollars in interest.

By walking away and completely screwing my credit, I have made it impossible to get more credit now. And I feel lighter because of it. I now operate primarily with cash, and this always means that I can only spend what I have. I always know what is in my bank account, and I’m never waiting and wondering for that bill to come and those cringing moments.

I remember the first time I got a credit card. I was in college and there was a pamphlet on a rack on the school hallway wall from one of Canada's primary banks.

Instant student approval! $500 limit!

‘Could it be this easy?’ I asked myself. I grabbed the pamphlet and brought it back to my apartment. I filled in the application, mailed it out the following day, then waited with eager anticipation to get it in the mail.

Of course, when it did come I had to use it straight away. I can’t remember how it all went, I just remember feeling like I had some sort of financial freedom that I hadn’t had before. My dad’s warning was simply, “make sure you pay the minimum payment each month so you don’t mess up your credit.” You can imagine my excitement when the minimum payment the first month was just $10. If that was all I had to pay, then I didn’t need to pay the rest back. I was excited by these new possibilities.

Over time I would pay off the card, get a new card, get my limits increased, get into debt, pay it off again. It was an interesting cycle. At the age of 27, I was also now securing large credit lines, a mortgage, and multiple credit cards, some with a limit of $40 000. I got into the points game, cashed them in, and traveled. When I traveled it was always on credit. I would pay it off later, I told myself.

And somehow I always did. But in the end, I would sell my house and most of my possessions to do so.

In the meantime, I went through a marriage and a divorce. My ex-husband was just as bad with credit as I was.

When I finally broke free of the weight of the debt, I promised that I would never get back into it again. But that didn’t last long. One thing led to the other and I started using my cards again. Slowly but surely the balances grew, and there I was back to where I started. In debt and miserable.

But this time there was no clear way to get out of debt. I had no possessions left, my options had run out.

And so, here I sit. Debt-free but not feeling that great about it. But I do feel lighter. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my desperate act means that I can not get back into debt again. At least not anytime soon.

I share this with you as an act of honesty. To let others know that they are not alone in their struggles. I know debt is killing people's spirits and we put so much weight on our credit score and what that means to us, and to society. I’m here to tell you that your life will go on. You are not defined by your credit score. Don’t let it make you feel like you are less of a person.

Do what you need to do to free yourself, and move on. Life is short and we need to make decisions that will ultimately lead us to happiness. Otherwise, what is the point?

Thanks for reading, and thanks for understanding. Good luck out there.

My earnings are down from last month.

I joined the partner program in September this year. I didn’t expect much in my first month and was actually surprised to learn that I earned a whole $1.11 that month.

How My First Month’s Earnings Went In the Medium Partner Program

Onward and upward, I figured.

But alas, it just wasn’t the case. Last month I earned just 77 cents and this month is looking even worse.

Now, I will admit, I’m not the most prolific writer. I do think that I can spin a good yarn, but I just haven’t been spending the time here that I need to be in order to make any amount of decent money.

But I keep getting new followers, so one would think that they would be reading more of my stories and that my earnings would increase.

Wouldn’t you?

I do try and read other stories and clap and comment on them. Isn’t this supposed to increase our reads?

I’ve read multiple articles about making money on Medium. I think those are the ones that get read the most.

Like this one by J.J. Pryor:

How to Make Money Writing on Medium.com in 2024?

or this other one by Tessa Schlesinger - published 60 years. has some really interesting information:

How to Earn on Medium Through Your Word-Salad

So here I am, writing about making money on Medium, but it isn’t about how to do it because I surely don’t know how.

What is your experience of writing on Medium? Have you made good money? Has anything about your time here surprised you?

I would love to know.

Love, Louise

What is up? How is everyone doing?

I won’t lie, I’m feeling bummed out.

I’m not exactly sure why. Some days I think it’s because of all the negativity that is happening on Medium. I try to not pay attention and just write anyways. But I’ve been feeling disheartened lately and uninspired.

I sit behind my computer and scan over my drafts. Trying to get inspired. Seeing if any of them will entice me to add something to them.

I have more that I want to write about that isn’t even in draft form. But I find it difficult to start.

Instead, I’ve been working on other creative projects to keep depression at bay. Something that is also productive, yet a completely different sort of creativity.

Maybe it is the changing of the weather that has got me down. In the last couple of days, it has gotten colder and rainier. Winter is surely on its way now.

Maybe it is just the general state of the world. Collectively I think we are all struggling in some way. Whether it is dealing with war, rising prices, or people at each other’s throats.

Sometimes it just feels like a little too much.

But what choice do we have but to solder on? We must continue moving forward because there is certainly no going back.

I’ve noticed a general state of discontent from many people that I meet these days. People are fed up with their government, pointing the blame for their misery in some sort of direction.

Isn’t that just the way that us humans are? Always finding somebody to blame? Always deflecting the responsibility away from ourselves.

What if we took action instead? What if we decided that we wanted to be happy and we made choices to head in that direction?

What if we all stopped bumming each other out and decided to focus on the good in the world instead?

I can imagine that a change would take time, but eventually, the problems and doom and gloom of the world may fall away.

They may, or they may not. But I guess we won’t know unless we try.

I don’t know why I am writing this. I suppose they call it stream of conscious writing. Well here it is, here is my stream of consciousness. Hopefully, I will feel better once I get this out.

How are you doing? I hope you are doing okay.

Love, Louise

When the mood strikes, you can’t deny it.

My long-time partner and I were traveling through Europe a few years back. We traveled without much of a plan, mostly finding accommodation once we reached our destination.

We arrived at a tiny town that only had one hostel. We were on a bit of a budget and tired from traveling, so when the receptionist told us that they only had dorm beds available, we cringed but decided to do it anyways.

We made it into the room, walking through the common area that was full of 20-somethings. We still enjoy staying in hostels and find that there are always interesting people to talk to, despite the different ages. Of course, older people also stay in hostels, but usually, we are of the older generation.

Our room had 2 bunk beds which were against the wall. The beds were rock hard and the mattresses thin. We didn’t care, we were exhausted.

Thankfully we were the only two people in our 4-bed dorm that night.

As we were undressing to get ready for bed, my partner pinched my butt. This set the stage for what was to come.

He went and showered in the shared shower, then I went to get clean as well. We cuddled into my bottom bunk, first just kissing and pressing our bodies against each other. One thing led to the other, and he was on top of me.

Here we were, both in our 40s, having sex on a bottom bunk of a dorm bed in a hostel. As sexy and exciting as it was, we also both couldn’t help but laugh. We felt like giant teenagers as we crowded ourselves into the tight space. It doesn’t help that we are both tall and my partner is over 6 feet.

Of course, we aren’t 20 anymore, and would never have done this with other people in the room. And we are thankful that other travelers didn’t arrive at the wrong time. It was late at night, and we were pretty sure that nobody else was coming.

It was a fun night and we still laugh about it to this day. My younger self would be highly amused if she knew that this would happen one day!

What about you? Have you ever had sex in a dorm bunk bed?

Stay classy:)

Love, Louise

It’s not much but it’s a start.

I will be the first to say that I haven’t been consistent with my writing on here, so I didn’t really expect much. I keep promising myself to get busy and write more, but it hasn’t quite happened yet.

I got accepted to the Medium Partner Program near the beginning of September and made it my goal to make back my monthly fee. However, that, unfortunately, didn’t happen. But, I’m okay with it.

I only published 2 stories after I got accepted, and I learned a big lesson with my post about reaching 100 followers. I should have written it after I got accepted to the program because it is my highest-viewed article yet, but most of those views were before I was accepted.

So, if you are a newbie, write your 100 follower post AFTER you get monetized. Trust, me, you will thank me for that.

I’ve Reached 100 Followers, How Exciting!

I had no idea that a post like that would get so many views until it was too late. Ah well, these are the things we learn around here.

Anyways, you probably clicked on this because you are curious about what I earned. So let’s get to it.

Drumroll………….

Yep, you read it right. A whole $1.11!

As I said, I only wrote 2 articles and I only have 130 followers, so I wasn’t really expecting miracles. I’m actually just happy that anyone has read my posts at all.

Plus, if you are a bit spiritual like I am, you will know that 111 is an auspicious number. When you see these numbers it means that the universe is aligning and that you are on the right path.

So, I will take this as a good sign that I am heading in the right direction here.

If you are curious about my top-earning articles, here is a screenshot.

And here are my views for the month:

Again, not really crazy exciting, but it’s something and I know for sure that the only direction I can go is up!

I’m looking forward to producing more content in October. Already this is my second article this month, so I’m already looking to do better than I did in September:)

If you would like to read any of my top earners, I will link the top 5 below.

Thank you so much for reading! Hope you are finding some success on Medium as well:)

Love, Louise

• My Boyfriend Told Me That His Life Has Been Amazing Since He Met Me
• Healthy Relationships Can Help Us Heal From the Bad Ones
• I Had To Give Myself Permission To End My Marriage
• My Father and Brother In Law Unwittingly Gave Me Permission To Leave My Husband
• I Just Don’t See the Point In Getting Married Again

But I’ve been out of it for over 10 years.

Life is crazy! I can’t believe how fast it flashes past. One minute I’m young and stupid and getting married, the next minute I’m looking back on 20 years.

WOW! TWENTY YEARS!

I still remember the day with perfect accuracy. Each moment of my shaking knees knocking themselves together. I think saying yes to marrying that man was the bravest thing I have ever done. For sure, I was more scared than I had ever been before in my life.

Doesn’t exactly sound like a girl that wanted to get married eh!? Well, if you read my reason for getting married, you will understand more of where I am coming from.

I still remember waiting outside the hotel room in a car. The wedding guests were gathered, my groom was likely waiting patiently at the end of the aisle.

My parents were inside getting themselves ready to walk me down the aisle. I was sitting alone in my dress, in the back seat of the car. I looked out the window to the forest and the trees. The thought crossed my mind.

‘So this is what people think when they want to run from their wedding.’

I eyed the trees, almost envisioning myself and my white dress streaking through them. But where would I run to? I knew nothing at that moment but my life with my future husband.

Many things didn’t feel right, but it also didn’t feel entirely wrong.

My parents came out and the car pulled away from the trees. I smiled as best as I could. By then I had started to shake.

We did the thing, my parents walking me down the aisle together, the way we had planned, one on each side.

My groom stood at the end of the aisle beaming. I could see that he thought I looked beautiful, but I felt awful. I was a mess.

I fake smiled for everyone, and hugged my parents at the end. It was such a rushed and harried moment that neither of them noticed how bad I was shaking.

But my groom did.

“Are you okay?” He whispered as the room settled and everyone got themselves situated. He was looking at me with very concerned eyes.

My teeth chattered together as I said “I don’t know.”

Of course, as rehearsed, the ceremony went off without a hitch. Nobody else heard my knees rattling together. Everybody thought that it went perfectly.

As I promised that day, I did my best to make that marriage work. Despite getting married for the wrong reasons and to a man who had more mental health problems than I even knew at the time, we lasted 9 years.

Nine years of struggle. Nine years of believing that that was what marriage was.

Difficult.

I don’t hate my ex-husband. In fact, I will always carry a soft spot in my heart for him. He is a victim of a dysfunctional childhood and a society that is relentlessly trying to take his freedoms away. And he comes from a long line of fucked up people.

I tried as hard as I could in that relationship, but I am thankful that I found the courage to move on before I lost every piece of myself.

20 years later I am reborn as a confident, happy and content woman. I barely recognize the frightened girl that I once was. I have a man that loves me more than I knew possible, with no hidden agenda or strings attached.

Being in a relationship that isn’t a struggle is uplifting.

We support and encourage each other, we don’t fight and try to bring each other down. The stark contrast between this relationship and the other one is like comparing black and white. There is no gray zone.

Twenty years ago if somebody told me that a relationship like this existed, I wouldn’t have believed them. I’m thankful that I had the courage to find better, even though I didn’t know what better was.

But this day. This day will always be a reminder of who I once was, and how far I have come. Sometimes I feel like that is why I did it all. To one day show myself how different life could be.

Maybe it was so that I could also share with others how different life can be.

I understand that lost feeling of being in a relationship that feels like there is no way out. But I now know there is. And you have to do it. You have to take care of yourself. If you lose yourself in an abusive relationship, then you are no good to others.

Getting out, finding a better life, and finding happiness again, is very powerful. We are all one decision away from making our lives better.

Life is too short to put up with an unhappy life.

That is the plain and simple truth.

Thanks for reading. I hope my story helps you in some way.

Love, Louise

Been there, done that.

I was married once. I only did it to please my mother. Obviously, not a good reason to get married.

I never did think that getting married was a necessary thing to tell someone that you love them.

I have been in a committed relationship now for over 9 years. Neither of us care about getting married. To us, it’s just a piece of paper that isn't necessary.

When people ask us if we will get married I always say that I’m still traumatized from the last one. Haha.

My partner had a fiance once. She died of a drug overdose. He never wanted to get married, but she really did. Sadly, that obviously didn’t happen. Well, not sad for me, I guess.

I feel like couples stay together for longer than they should when they get married. I definitely did. I stayed because I had sworn ‘to death do us part’.

It’s a ridiculous thing to promise.

My soul was almost completely killed in that relationship. So really, it almost was until I was dead before I left. Maybe that does count after all.

Being in a relationship without that crazy declaration means that either one of us can leave at any moment and there doesn’t have to be all the drama that comes along with a divorce.

Not like either of us will.

This relationship is 1000 times stronger than my marriage ever was. That is for sure.

We love each other and we don’t need a piece of paper to tell us so. I know many don’t agree, but this works for us. Isn’t that what is important?

• My Boyfriend Told Me That His Life Has Been Amazing Since He Met Me
• Living a Life To Please Ourselves Doesn’t Mean That We Are Selfish

How nice it is to hear that.

After my divorce, I spent a year not even wanting to look at a man. While my ex had a girlfriend a week after we split (men can be so pathetic) I certainly wasn’t in a rush. In fact, I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to bother with another man again.

But then, one day, the hormones kicked in and I was suddenly ready to try to ‘hook up’. Lol. As a 36-year-old, I had no idea how to even do that.

It was such a foreign concept to me. I had been married since I was 24, marrying a man that was from my small town. We were together for a couple of years before that. I had never really been one to go on dates. I always met guys in group settings and I was the guys girl, one who had lots of friends that were guys.

I relate better to men than I do to women, that is for sure.

I was living in a small town of 12 000 people and when I started considering who all the single guys were, I found it difficult to picture myself with any of them. I eventually opened up a Plenty Of Fish profile, but I never really did fill it out all the way and when I looked up the other prospects around town I was less than impressed.

For a couple of months, I wondered if I would ever find somebody worthwhile where I was living.

Then one day my roommate took me to a party in another community. She had met a guy there and she said that he had a great group of friends. I felt like I needed to expand my group of friends and get out more, so I tagged along. I wasn’t looking for a man, but I wasn’t not looking either.

I met a guy there that night and we talked a lot. He told me that I was beautiful but I was guarded. I wanted to get to know him better before I got too involved. When I left the party, he hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I immediately felt a rush of warmth run through my body, and I knew that I was smitten.

For the next week, we talked back and forth by phone. On Thursday I invited him to come and visit me in my town for the weekend. He did just that, and the rest is history.

I spent the first 6 months of our relationship analyzing whether or not I was just jumping to the first thing I found because it was easy. I was worried that I was getting ahead of myself. But I also really liked him and we had quite a bit in common.

I was also worried that it was too good to be true. Relationships aren’t supposed to be easy, I had told myself. After all, I had a very difficult marriage and the whole time I was married I told people that relationships are supposed to be a lot of hard work.

Obviously, I had it all wrong.

We have now been together for 9 years. Prior to our relationship, he had never had a girlfriend last longer than 2.5 years, mostly with dramatic bitches from the stories he has told. He had also had a fiance in his past that had died. So he was a bit damaged when it came to relationships.

We both were.

Healthy Relationships Can Help Us Heal From the Bad Ones

Together we healed ourselves though, and we are both more solid than ever.

The other night we were having a few drinks and hanging out at a picnic table in a park. We were talking about random things and telling funny stories. We were laughing and having a good time when he said,

“You know, my life has been pretty amazing since I met you.”

It’s such a nice thing to hear.

When I think back to my terrible marriage, it’s hard to remember how difficult it was. I realize now that being in a difficult relationship was making my whole life difficult.

When you have a partner that is supportive and uplifting, you are able to spend more energy on yourself and nurturing those things that are important to you. When a partner is the opposite, a lot of energy is spent trying to manage the feelings and emotions that come with that.

I used to be angry a lot.

I used to be cynical about the world.

All of that is gone now. It has been replaced with a bright outlook for the future and optimism. Being in a good relationship has changed my life for the better, and I am so grateful for it.

I love my partner and he loves me. We are a team and we work together. Life is better because of him, that is for sure.

And yes, my life has been amazing since he came along as well!

Thanks for reading!

Love, Louise