I’ve long been bothered by the idea of work-life balance. It rang hollow, and it took me a while to figure out why and really connect the dots. This article has been percolating in the background for a year or so, maybe even longer. Some of the best things I write are created through alchemy. This was one of them.

What’s wrong with this metaphor?

This idea of work-life balance suggests that the underlying structure is a SCALE and that these two parts of our lives are really separate, sitting on each side of the scale. It is the most unhelpful metaphor we have constructed for where we need to move as humanity. Because, in this world, on one side, there is work, and on the other, there are ALL THE OTHER THINGS in our life. And all the other things in our life combined do not outweigh the work. Can you hear it? All of the other things combined do not outweigh the work. All in the name of productivity.

A pretext for this from my life

This article is based on a few core experiences in my life. The first one was in January 2016 when, one day, suddenly (but also not), I hit a stress wall. One morning, during a meeting with my then leadership team, my life unravelled after months of pressure, trying to balance a large team of 20+ people and two small kids while commuting 2 hours daily and keeping everyone around me happy. I wrote about it here. The way back to recovery was long and painful, but I’ve learned to disentangle from one myth — my work does not define my worthiness. Nothing does. I am worthy because I exist. And so are you, even if you don’t lift a finger for the rest of your life.

Getting the f··· out

The second moment of reckoning (in the best possible way) was when, in 2019, I was working for Vertical Strategy, an innovation consultancy here in Copenhagen, and we were bought by Bain & Co., which is one of the Big Four (management consultancies, that is). I was in charge of integrating our leadership development and people processes with the company’s global HR team in San Francisco. I grasped pretty quickly that the performance culture we already had in the small company was about to be accelerated by the nth degree. I didn’t believe in the obsessive performance approach.

A few months into the integration, we started merging our reporting processes, including a weekly temperature check around work-life balance, manager effectiveness, team effectiveness, and the rest. I don’t even remember all the measured parameters, but it was comprehensive. In the first week’s report for Scandinavia, with 500 consultants across offices in Copenhagen, Stockholm, Helsinki and Oslo, the AVERAGE working time was 74 hours per week. The official work time expectation was 55 hours a week, but as I could see, one thing was what was on paper and another what was practised. One of the questions in the survey was:

“Did you get your free night this week?”

— A “free night” was considered going home at 19.00. One night per week. I’m not sure if people were single, had au-pairs or just extremely patient partners and co-parents, but I knew I wanted to pick up my kids from school and spend time with them. It was non-negotiable.

It all sounded absolutely absurd to me. So, I drew this pie chart of my life and divided it into the different activities (see pic for the original drawing). I knew already then that I wasn’t staying, but drawing it out like this was a gem of its own. This chart above was made with the 55-hour-a-week assumption, and after drawing it, I saw no point in even doing the 74-hour one.

As a designer, presenting information visually always leads to a deeper understanding. So, seeing it, I remember thinking: “They want to own my life. And they think they can buy it with a high salary.” (I was supposed to be promoted to Senior Strategic Design Manager during the merger).

My inner rebel at the ready, it was an immediate “f*** no” for me. I could see myself getting depleted all over again and lying in my bed in a foster position in the middle of the night like the first time, with compulsive catastrophising thoughts and heart palpitations, begging for it to stop. I’d promised myself that would never happen again. So I got out, fast. This was the most extreme version of the skewed work-life scale I’ve ever experienced or heard of. But it is the origin of my perspective here, and I wanted to make you aware of it so you can also reflect on where your origin story lies when considering how to work and live in more conscious ways.

The history of this separation

To really understand the separation of work from life, we have to revisit history briefly. As hunter-gatherers, we lived on the land that fed us. The “work” was to hunt for and gather food. In pre-industrial farming society, people lived off the land, worked the land and took care of animals — in a cyclical way. In the spring, they would sow and then nourish the growth. In the summer and autumn, they would harvest, and in the winter, they would rest, just like the soil and do crafts. Periods of work and rest flowed with nature’s cycles and rhythm, with the rituals and ceremonies dedicated to nature. So, work was an inherent part of life, and there was no need for separation.

The industrialisation era and after

The Industrial Revolution changed this significantly as people started travelling further away to work at factories. With the invention of factory machines, large numbers of people were needed to operate the machinery and aid in production. Natural cycles were replaced by the clock, and both work locations and hours were set. This is the era where our mechanistic perspective of work was established. Because we literally became an extension of the machine. After work, people would go home again, so there was work “over there” and life “over here”, and there was “work time” and “not-work time”.

I would like to mention two people in a line of many who have really contributed to the idea of productivity, which we still cling to today. The first is Frederick Winslow Taylor, an American mechanical engineer who was relentless in trying to optimise labour costs in the steelworks factory, where he was the chief engineer. Because people weren’t working hard enough, labour costs for the company increased. So, by treating workers as units of productivity and effectivising their working processes to optimise productivity, he invented the method of “scientific management”, effectively becoming the first so-called management consultant. If you want to dive into more of his work, you can read Principles of Scientific Management. I have many other “new paradigm” books to read, so I gave it a pass.

The second is Henry Ford, who invented the 8-hour workday, 5-day work week and standardised salaries, effectively institutionalising trading time for money. Partially, the time boundaries were there to protect the worker, and this approach accelerated in the post-war era when more office-based, white-collar work was invented, as most of Europe was rebuilding after the Second World War. This separation between work and life, the 9-to-5 job and weekend time off, became even more entrenched, and one’s life was, of course, arranged around adults’ working time. We traded our time for a salary while corporations grew and profits were effectively funnelled out of the workforce (and communities) and concentrated at the top, with few individuals.

There is much more to say about the work history from then to now, but I’ll cut it off here for this article. If you want to know more about management consulting in particular, I can recommend Marianna Marzuccato and Rosie Collington’s book The Big Con, which I’m still reading, but it’s a well-researched and grounded study of the damage done by these consultancies, including McKinsey, which was fined 650 M USD for essentially killing half a million people with Oxycontin, a painkiller drug from Purdue Pharma. The company essentially went bankrupt due to the scandal, and the story was made into the Dopesick TV series.

The biggest lie that feeds on our insecurity

The biggest lie sold to us with this “productivity fetish” is the narrative that our WORTH is tied to what we produce, how much we output, and what we achieve. It doesn’t matter if we don’t get to see our kids, our families, or take care of ourselves as long as the machine keeps going. So we forsake relationships, play, hobbies and rest because we haven’t yet EARNED the time off, so we have to hustle and prove ourselves some more. Any failing on our part is seen as an individual issue, a weakness and a lack of moral fortitude.

In this separation narrative, we also keep our “work” and “life” selves apart. So, we enter this realm of “professionalism”, where we slip on a mask as we go to work. No wonder we are exhausted trying to reach this elusive “balance” by keeping the parts neatly in their respective corners while our lives implode. No wonder we are massively disengaged, depressed, stressed the hell out, and “quiet quitting” (God, I hate that term). You can find the numbers on engagement levels at work in the Gallup reports and the shocking numbers of disengaged people at work (62% of the workforce!!!). And we then self-medicate with shopping, mindless social media, Netflix, alcohol — name your favourite vice.

The system keeps us so busy and exhausted that we don’t even question how this metaphor is exactly what keeps us stuck in this impossible game. And so we repeat it until something breaks (and as we know, it’s usually our health, relationships or families). So, the soul and meaning are squeezed out of our lives.

Now what?

We don’t need a work-life balance. We need to reintegrate work into our lives in more conscious ways. De-throne it, so to speak, and allow other, more important parts of our life to take centre stage. It means reimagining the whole paradigm and writing an entirely new story. Stop drawing pie charts with separate chunks. Instead of the scale, how about we reimagine life as a woven fabric where each thread matters equally and makes up a beautiful pattern?

We need to reclaim our time, sense of worth, play and connection to the natural rhythms from the grip of the current system. It means divesting from perfectionism and obsession with machine-like productivity, it means realigning with the natural cycles and occasionally doing nothing, getting bored again. It’s embracing the art of “dolce far niente” — the sweetness of doing nothing, as my Italian ancestors would say.

Because we deserve to be our whole human beings and live wholesome lives. And the things we would get from living in a different way, is something that a 74-hour work week, no matter how well-paid, can never give us. It was never meant to, and it’s time to realise that the void we feel can never be filled by working and consuming more but by creating space in our lives to do fulfilling things that contribute to our families and communities. By doing things that light our spirit on fire.

It also means to dare to reimagine again. I’m longing to rebuild “the village” — the West — and Denmark is devoid of it. What if we worked the land, grew food, contributed to local communities and rekindled the old ways of living, native to the respective lands we are in? And what if the money we earned would also go back to nurturing the land and communities around us?

Do you dare dream of what would be possible then?

Choosing integration isn’t just a personal lifestyle decision; it’s a political and cultural stance. And maybe this stance means we can live in a way that really supports our collective and individual well-being.

“What’s good for the hive, is good for the bee.”

There is much more to be specific about when it comes to reintegrating work into life. And I would like to be, but this is long enough already, so — another time.

Until then — here are some reflection questions for you to ponder, acknowledging the truth, looking at the energetic “bank statement” — especially if you’re living in the work-life balance paradigm:

1. Why do you work? What role does work play in your life?
2. How much of your life is dedicated to work, and what are the priorities in your life?
3. Notice the ebb and flow of your life. Do you live with the seasons? Do you winter and take time to rest? Are you really off when you are on holiday, or does work interfere with your free time?
4. Do you work in ways that are life-affirming? Does your work bring you to life and add to the surplus?
5. How does work place into the web of relationships in your life?

May you find a way to make a meaningful re-integration of work into your life. And may we together also redesign the purpose of our economy for well-being of all. I’ll leave you with the words of the world’s most relentless eco-feminists, Vandana Shiva:

“In nature’s economy the currency is not money, it is life.”

I’m Martina, a Creative Leadership Coach and Culture Designer for the regenerative era. I focus on relationship-first coaching for leaders, change-makers and teams through my work at Thought Wardrobe, a creative studio based in Copenhagen. Happy to chat about how I can help you and your team. Book a call. ❤️‍🔥

I’ve wanted to write about conflict for a long time, alongside my work as a systems coach for teams, where I work with it tangibly. Conflict is close to my heart because I was raised in a high-conflict system, some quite dysfunctional. I’ve also been bullied (mentally and physically) in school. I’ve not learned how to solve conflicts constructively. The two predominant patterns in the culture around me that I’ve internalised have been sweeping under the carpet, or manipulation, aggression and power-over.

So, it’s been so damn difficult for me to be in conflict — for many years. Internalising the strategies of my immediate surroundings led to two parts that get activated in conflict: my inner pleaser, who is desperately trying to stay out of heated situations, and for many years, my nervous system couldn’t cope, especially with open aggression. 🫣

Paradoxically, the other part of me is fiery and uses disproportionate aggression to protect me from danger. 🐲 And so, I danced with these two parts activated whenever conflict happened and couldn’t find a third way. It’s held me back in my relationships, especially as a leader. Through a lot of trauma healing, nervous system work, and coaching training, I developed my capacity to “sit in the fire” and not absorb the energy but catalyse it instead.

I’ve been witnessing tension, conflict, and rupture in the world and some of my immediate relationship systems for a while now, in grief and anger. I’m sure you have, too. I’ve been listening and processing that with humility and patience, caring for my tender parts. I’ve written this piece because I believe that learning to sit in the fire (of conflict) is one of the most essential relational skills, especially for leaders. Learning how to do it has helped me recalibrate my existing relationships and start new ones with greater awareness and intention. I hope it supports you, too.

The theories and models woven into this

This piece started as a homage to one of the teachers I’ve had around conflict: Arnold Mindell, who sadly passed away on June 10th. He was a physicist and founded Process-oriented Psychology, also known as Process Work, based on Jungian psychology and influenced by Taoism, shamanism, and physics. Much of his work is an integral part of the ORSC (Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching) that I’m certified through — and it’s been hugely important to my understanding of myself, my relationships and the world.

Also, over the last few years, I’ve been integrating the regenerative way of seeing the world and living into all aspects of my life, including work, based on, among other things, Regenerators Academy and the surrounding community of practitioners as a living example of a new way of being in the world. All this has consequently been transformative for many of the leaders I coach, their teams and their lives. That’s the beauty of seeing our human system as a network of interconnected nodes, all holding together a web of life in an interdependent whole. So, a ripple in one part of the system inevitably spreads through the web, good or bad.

When I work with teams, I like to illustrate this interconnectedness and interdependence by doing a string exercise. The team gets to weave the web of relationships in this spatial constellation. We then place a burden on the web to explore how the team reacts when there is pressure. We investigate which roles they take and which stories are present. When I invite a few people to let go of the web, the pressure is immediately redistributed to the rest of the team, increasing the burden on the remaining members. Sometimes, if the pressure is high, things break, or the web doesn’t hold.

If we extrapolate this to the webs of connections outside of the team, out into the organisations and partnerships outside, our families, communities, society, and the ecosystem as a whole, we can start seeing how pressure in any part of our system (let’s stay with human for now) is felt like ripples through the entire web. So, the global conflicts we are experiencing right now are not “over there” — the ripples are also here. And two of those ripples found their way into my life. One in my personal relationships and one in a community I am part of.

Tension and conflict are inevitable as we come together across cultures and gather with different world views, life experiences, and values. They are a natural part of the process. But how we handle it might be different. Conflict is still unwanted in many cultures and organisations, especially when heated, and leaders often fear handling it. Much of it stems from viewing conflict as something to be minimised and avoided at all costs because we never learned how to do it.

Learning how to do it and developing the capacity to be with the here is at the core of Arnold Mindell’s work, ORSC and regenerative leadership. I hope the intersection of these approaches can help you understand that conflict is a catalyst for growth and an invitation to deepen your relationships — through conflict.

To start with, we need to view conflict from a different perspective.

Looking at conflict from the living systems perspective

In the intersection of Process Work, ORSC and Regenerative Leadership, conflict is understood as an inherent part of any relationship. Conflict dynamics and patterns don’t belong to any one person involved but to the relationship itself. And since our relationships are alive, so are the patterns and dynamics, constantly moving and shifting. They are present in both the individuals and the space between them, the relational space. When conflict appears, and we approach it with curiosity, it can offer us a path to exploring new relational landscapes — like travelling to a new place, even if it’s uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

Shifting from fixing to facilitating the emergence

In this way, we can see conflict as a signal of change, as something new trying to emerge in this relationship, something that the relationship unknowingly needs but is not yet aware of. Conflict is an invitation to tap into the “wisdom of the system” — the collective intelligence — to explore what is alive in the system and what is trying to emerge. This process can help us surface unspoken truths and deeper needs within the team or organisation.

So, the emergence of a conflict invites us to rethink our assumptions, challenge existing stories, beliefs and patterns, and explore alternative approaches that may not have been visible before. And when we see something we haven’t seen before, we can consciously decide to be and act differently. In this way, conflict is not only a part of the process but is THE WAY to creativity and innovation. When we shy away from conflict, we are saying no to creative and innovation potential. And isn’t this something we constantly strive for in our teams, organisations, and society?

So, it’s time to abandon the traditional leadership paradigm, in which conflict is still seen as a problem to be solved, something that needs fixing or resolving.

Instead, we can see it as a catalyst for deepening our relationships, as a helper trying to help us collectively evolve into something better.

This definition of conflict is always with me:

“Conflict is community looking to happen.” — Arnold Mindell

Leaning into the diversity of perspectives

This shift in perspective consequently requires leaders to step out of their “expert with all answers” role and step into a facilitator or space-holder role. It means giving up the single truth story and leaning into the diversity of voices. In ORSC, this is a fundamental tenet of our coaching stance: all voices belong to the system and need to be heard in order for the system to see itself and be able to transform.

To really live this, we must collectively cultivate respect, safety, connection, curiosity, diversity, humility, and many other qualities. We must give up the polarity of right and wrong. Insisting that we are right and the other person (or people) wrong is a special kind of violence. I like what a fellow coach, Fernando Lopez, said about this: “Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control or compel others to accept your point of view.” This is so prevalent in our current culture and, for example, in political debates, where the whole situation becomes an insane circus-like spectacle of throwing accusations towards the other person, dismantling their arguments, power-over moves, making them look bad, belittling, name calling and all the rest. No wonder the whole world is on fire if our top political leaders are role-modelling this on national TV, and it spreads on social media.

To dismantle this, rather than focusing on who is “right” or “wrong,” we put the topic in the middle and understand that each person only holds one part of a larger truth. Only when we bring all the perspectives together can we gain a 360-degree view of the thing in the middle, and even then, it is not always completely clear. When the thing is in the middle, we are collectively responsible for it; we are stewarding and caring for it together. In ORSC, we have an excellent principle for working with diverse perspectives called The 2% truth.

The questions we ask when listening to the different perspectives, especially the ones we might find challenging:

“What is the 2% truth in this perspective?”

This 2% creates a small opening through which we allow ourselves to be influenced. Keeping this principle in mind, we can share and listen to different perspectives before we can see the whole picture and decide how to proceed as a collective. I’ve written an article for holding Wisdom Seat Sessions on how to do this.

According to The Gottman Institute, which researches relationships, and marriages in particular, the willingness to be influenced is a core tenet of happy marriages. In my experience as a coach, this also applies to all other relationships.

Increasing awareness by deep listening

If our role as leaders is not to have solutions and “know everything” but to facilitate, the prerequisite is our ability to listen deeply, uncover the underlying patterns, reveal them, and honestly examine the underlying power dynamics and unspoken truths. It requires us to listen into the space between and notice not just the obvious, what is said and done, but also what is not said: the body language, the emotions, and the things not yet named.

The not-yet-named things in conflict are often unmet needs, disappointments, lost dreams, or something that has been forbidden to be talked about. Whatever it may be, it needs attention and compassionate witnessing. If there is enough courage, it might come out, and we need to meet it without judgment. I find it helpful not to be attached or judgemental when calling out the elephants in the room. I literally become the mirror, which is a privilege I have as a coach. It is more complicated if you’re a leader because you also have an organisational agenda.

Emotions are the door through which to enter

Emotions are often viewed as problematic in conflict, especially in conflict-averse cultures. For example, it’s much more socially acceptable in southern Europe and countries around the Mediterranean to raise your voice and wave with your hands. That does not fly well in Denmark, I can tell you. Losing control of your emotions is seen as uncivilised. Our low tolerance for heat in this environment has created a culture of silence, where it’s not cool to “ødelægge den gode stemning” — ruin the good vibes. I’m sure many other cultures struggle with ruinous team dynamics due to this.

We must get past this because emotions are vital life signals. Anger, frustration, sadness, and all other emotions can indicate deeper systemic needs — such as more connection, fairness, or clarity. By honouring all the emotions, we recognise them as energies that, when worked with consciously, can propel the system toward more awareness, putting it at choice. So, we dive in to understand their intelligence, what they want, and how they can shed light on the situation.

Mind the connection of inner and outer

As a leader, the inner parts and emotions you can’t be with are those you will not be able to meet in the group. For example, my anger was not welcome in my family of origin, so whenever it flared up, I was made wrong, violent, and cruel and shamed for it. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so eventually, it found illegitimate outlets (a story about my inner rebel for another day). It was not appropriate for me to be angry.

And consequently, I couldn’t deal with other people’s aggression for years. It triggered the hell out of me. It made me a less effective leader. Things only started shifting once I took ownership of it, once my anger was allowed to be expressed in healthy ways. Interestingly, in many of my one-on-one coaching relationships, leaders are learning to accept their anger, which they also previously were not allowed to. Witnessing it when it comes out is so powerful, and it’s usually closely followed by a significant shift in their energetic field and a new way to be in their body.

Listening to the relationship

There is one additional voice to be included when doing group work — one that actually does have a complete view of what is going on in a relationship. And that it is the voice of the relationship itself, a so-called Third Entity. Or, as David Weinberger, an American author and technologist, says: “The smartest person in the room is the room.”

We can access the Third Entity by giving it a voice, metaphor, or mascot. Or a seat at the table, where you can use an empty chair. Then, we can use it to consider the needs of the relationship. In a group, we can take turns sitting in that chair or holding the mascot and ask ourselves:

• What needs to be voiced, understood and shifted in this relationship?
• What does the relationship know about this conflict?
• What does the relationship need from everyone involved?

In this way, we can move away from polarising discussions and choose to treat the relationship as a living system that must be nurtured.

Transforming the fire in my relationships

In one, the community got together to hold space for the hurt. We shared the way the situation impacted us personally, we shared our emotions, we suspended our judgment and righteousness, and brought in intellectual humility. We acknowledged our privilege of the ones far removed from the hotspot and acknowledged our responsibility to hold people closer to it, rather than adding to the emotional burden. And — we acknowledged the need to revisit our relational agreement.

And, the one with a person really close to me, as we were talking about something where we see things in a COMPLETELY opposite way, despite my desire to not go into the discussion, they got more and more aggressive, trying to tell me how wrong I was in my perspective, shouting and increasing tension. I could feel my palms get sweaty, my heartbeat rise, and I could feel myself tapping out; I couldn’t hear the words anymore. Because this had always been the pattern in this relationship, I warned three times that if they didn’t stop shouting, I would exit the conversation. When nothing changed, I did. I sent a follow-up message saying I didn’t have the energy for this level of aggression.

I wish I could continue to hold space for the anger and frustration, but over time, I’ve learned that things can only change when both people are willing to be influenced. And, here, I wasn’t the coach, I was one of the nodes. As the old adage goes, “You can be right, or you can be in a relationship.” I chose the relationship. I will continue choosing this relationship, and to do that, a firm boundary on my side is needed — and in place. And, maybe someday, we will be ready to emerge something new from this. It’s just not right now.

What about your relationships?

I wanted to offer you a few reflection questions to spark an inquiry about conflict in you:

• What is your relationship to conflict?
• What are your conflict patterns, and which part of you is activated in conflict?
• Which part of the conflict feels most challenging for you to engage with, and what might that reveal about your own inner landscape?
• What is the nature of the Third Entity of this relationship — your team, family or community?

I would like to wrap up this piece by telling you that in August, a Zoom memorial was organised for Arnold Mindell by his wife, Amy. More than 800 people were present, from all different places of the world, with one thing in common: we all worked as coaches, therapists and facilitators — each in our own way contributing to weaving a network of strong relationships — and the courage to imagine new possibilities for us humans. Arnold’s spirit was with us, urging us along with great curiosity and playfulness.

May he live on Beyond, knowing that so many of us are continuing his work and sharing it with more and more people. And I’ll leave you with his words:

“The fire that burns in the social, psychological and spiritual dimensions of humanity can ruin the world. Or this fire can transform trouble into community. It’s up to us.”

Over to Us.

I’m Martina, a designer, coach, and culture builder for the regenerative era. I am also the founder of Thought Wardrobe, a creative studio and the leadership program for relationally skilled leaders, Creative Catalyst.

I work with team leaders and change-makers to build stronger cultures and do world-changing work.

If you would like to explore working with me, book a call.

An inner change

I’ve changed. In a really short amount of time, a process that has been long underway suddenly culminated in a new, embodied truth. Palestine has changed me. I cannot unsee the brutal violence, the loss of life, the destruction of cultural and natural heritage, and the humanitarian catastrophe we are witnessing. I cannot reconcile that we don’t have the courage to have challenging conversations, and so we spin into this abyss of collective darkness that is swallowing our souls. I cannot fathom that calling for a ceasefire is still seen as controversial and that we are somehow ok with this level of human suffering — for anyone.

This writing is an expression of my truth right now, and I stand by it, knowing full well that it is only one facet of a much bigger picture. It will likely shift, evolve, and transform, and something new will emerge. It’s also intended to clarify how I stand in the world — and why.

Bearing witness

There is so much hatred, polarisation, the rise of anti-semitism, islamophobia and violent suppression of free speech. The silence of Western leadership experts has been deafening while the endless stream of now-meaningless leadership credos, inspirations and tips continues. I have a hard time connecting to it; it all rings so hollow. But then again, this is not really about others. It is a reflection of my own deafening silence. And so here we are.

My heart has been broken in ways I can’t describe. My mind is scrambling to comprehend. My body’s stress response is reactivated when I see images coming out of especially Gaza, but also Sudan, Congo and other places. I refuse to look away. I want to witness, I want to acknowledge and — I want to help catalyse change. With the tools I have, I can play a role. We all can — in our own ways. In the middle of all this, my eyes have been opened wide, my spirit is on fire, and my vision for a regenerative future is more alive and clearer than ever.

Choosing dialogue

I’ve chosen to work with relational and regenerative leadership and culture to create a microcosm of the world I want to live in. In my vision, it is a world where we can meet each other as kin across divides of all kinds with respect, creativity, curiosity, grace, compassion, kindness and love. I want to live in a world where we can gather as equals by the bonfire and shape new stories and ideas for a better long-term future for all, regardless of our identities and belief systems. It’s a future of freedom and justice for all people. And I will do my part to help bring this vision down to reality.

At this time, we, as a human collective, need more than ever to “sit in the fire” and stay in conflict long enough to resolve it. We have to learn to be present and listen deeply to each other. Something new can emerge from the space between opposite perspectives. We need to shape a different story together and dare to dream of something new. It is the only way to come to a different outcome, a different way forward. The old way doesn’t work. Violence doesn’t work. Oppression doesn’t work. Capitalist colonialism doesn’t work. All of it is degenerative and life-destroying.

Aligning with values

I know that looking away and pretending this has nothing to do with us is easier. I get the overwhelm, the fear of saying the wrong thing, of being accused of being “this” or “that”. Of being cancelled. Of losing clients. I am afraid of it, too. But what scares the shit out of me the most is losing my soul and my humanity. Of being lulled back to sleep, to complicity, to silence.

I’ve been asking myself hard questions about my values and place in the world.

• In what ways am I in or out of integrity with my values, especially “authenticity” and “freedom”?
• What am I willing to stand for, no matter what?
• What and whom am I willing to lose by speaking my truth?
• How can I bridge the meta-level perspective as a systems coach, hearing all the voices of a system, while standing firmly for human rights and being adamant about their violations?
• In what ways am I complicit in perpetuating the status quo of our extractive capitalist colonial paradigm, and how can I disentangle myself from its grip?

The answers are still emerging, and that will never stop because I will never stop asking the questions. But I have enough clarity to speak now. I am done hiding parts of myself for fear of being judged, misunderstood and losing relationships. I am done with the internalised patriarchy, which hammered into me a belief that my voice doesn’t matter, compounded with visibility trauma from bullying, which makes me feel like my safety is at stake — again. I am no longer willing to pay for safety with my integrity.

Doing true regenerative work

True regenerative work involves remembering, reclaiming, reconnecting, reconciling and rewilding. It means disentangling from old paradigms and divesting from capitalist, colonial, white supremacy, patriarchal, hierarchical and extractive systems and paradigms. It’s not just a word, followed by some cool mottos and quotes. It’s a lived daily practice of reweaving the web of life we have damaged. It is leaning back into the interconnectedness and integration of perceived dualities: human-nature, inner-outer, feminine-masculine, rational-intuitive, scientific-spiritual, self-others.

For me, this culmination comes off the back of a long process. Many things contributed to this point: my CTI leadership coaching and ORSC systems coaching certifications and continued supervision, the Regenerative leadership journey, years of (intergenerational) trauma healing, anti-racism work, reconnecting to Slavic mythology and my culture’s nature-based ways of living, and reclaiming the intellectual and spiritual legacy of my ancestors. It’s all alchemised by my wise and wild inner elder, the firekeeper. The one who knows. 🔥

A new way forward

From now on, I’m focusing on regenerative and deeply relational work — in purpose, principles, and practice. I am here to cultivate deeply relational and courageous cultures and spaces where we can catalyse change in ourselves and grow conscious relationships. Besides my theoretical background and practical toolbox, my work includes and centres intuition, myths and stories, energetic work and spiritual dimensions because this is true for me and enables me to do my best work. It’s not abstract in any way — it is very grounded, practical and tangible.

I know that my best work is ahead of me. And it can only happen when I become my true, authentic self, firmly rooted in my purpose, values, heritage and relationships. I will not be going it alone, as I have until now. I am disconnecting from the myth of individualism and will seek new collaborations with organisations and other change catalysts to co-create with.

This is a lifelong journey. It’s not an easy one. I will be lost. But I also know that being lost is an invitation to places I haven’t visited before. It’s a fruitful place of new dots connecting, new stories calling to be written, and new beginnings unfolding. 🧶

And I am ready to stumble and fall, to lie face down in the mud, and face challenges I can’t yet fathom. I get that these big topics can feel complex and sensitive. You might not be along for the ride. In that case, let this be your exit cue.

But if you have a similar dream or mission and a courageous heart, I welcome you with an open heart, arms, mind and soul. ❤️‍🔥

I’ll leave you with words from Arnold Mindell, an incredible human being and founder of process-oriented psychology and deep democracy, who sadly passed away this week:

“The fire that burns in the social, psychological and spiritual dimensions of humanity can ruin the world. Or this fire can transform trouble into community. It’s up to us.”

I choose community, even when it’s hard. What about you?

With love 💚

Martina

I’ve been writing this for a long time, and it seems timely to publish this on International Women’s Day.

Women have an increased experience of impostor syndrome and systemic barriers working against us, and this is especially true for women with intersectional identities with factors such as race, gender identity, religion, sexual orientation, ability, socio-economic background and neurodivergence as factors, creating additional pressure and self-doubt.

What is impostor syndrome

The late Latin meaning of “impostor” is “deceiver,” and today, we understand it as a person who pretends to be someone else to deceive others. So, the intention is to deceive. (We will get back to this later).

The phenomenon is as old as I am. In 1978, two psychologists, Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes, published an article titled “The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention”. In it, they studied 100 women who could not acknowledge their accomplishments despite the consistent external validation of their environments. The study concluded that these women were experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, lack of self-confidence and frustration with not meeting their high standards of achievement. Do you recognise this?

I often encounter it in my coaching practice as the voice of “I will be found out” in my clients, so there is a perception of faking it, and they fight tooth and nail not to get exposed.

It’s called a phenomenon or syndrome because it falls short of being a mental health diagnosis in the DSM, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the official handbook in the US and much of the Western world to help diagnose mental disorders). But putting it onto this continuum, we can safely conclude that we are pathologising it and seeing it as a kind of mental disorder and as “something wrong” that needs treatment and fixing.

Here is my most significant point of contention with this perspective. I’ve been coaching a lot on this, and I think we’re doing ourselves a disservice to categorise it like this. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t go to therapy if that is helpful and works for you. But I do want to say that some of this response is completely natural, considering the circumstance, and pathologising it can be the system’s way of gaslighting us into believing that we are the problem when, very often, the system is the problem.

So stay with me here because I want to share a few unconventional steps for working with it.

The impact

The impostor’s broken record sounds a little something like this:

• I don’t really know what I’m doing — unlike everyone else who has their shit together
• I’m just pretending to be competent, and sooner or later, I will be found out
• I’m just a fraud and don’t deserve to be here
• That wasn’t my achievement; I was just lucky
• Who am I to speak? Others are more deserving to have their opinions heard
• I’m not qualified to have an opinion about this, and I might look dumb if I say something
• Well, I might have achieved this, but it wasn’t really all that good (as you nitpick at all the micro mistakes made in the process)
• Add yours….

If you’re curious to know more, you can read about five different types of impostors here.

It can be extremely hard to have a strong impostor voice driving you crazy. It can trip you up in so many ways and hold you back from building your dream life. It all comes at a significant cost: exhaustion, burnout, anxiety, depression, unrealised dreams. More than half of us have experienced impostors or regularly do, so you’re not alone.

So now what?

A new possible

You can do this differently. Here are some steps you can take. I’m trying to be specific here, but please know that even though steps are listed, this is not a “3 steps to success” magical formula. It is often a loooong process of working with this part of you, unshaming it, including it and bringing your nervous system into balance again.

Step one: Distance the voice

A subtle but significant shift is to say the above statements (or whatever your impostor tells you) and speak from the second person: “YOU don’t really know what you are doing,” “You are just a fraud and don’t deserve to be here,” etc. This will create some distance between you and the voice so you don’t confuse it with your own voice. It’s a part of you, but it’s not you.

Step two: Uncover the real intention

Let’s start by going back to the impostor’s intention. Looking at the above inner dialogue, you might think the impostor is there to ruin your life and keep you insecure, shamed and guilted. But if we get curious about it and bring some compassion for this voice, in my experience, it ALWAYS has good intentions on your behalf. Ask it:

• “What do you want on my behalf?”
• “How are you trying to help me?”

In my coaching clients, it’s usually something like keeping you safe and belonging to the group by preventing you from standing out, saying things that could potentially be risky, getting into a conflict, making other people angry (or insert favourite emotion), or something along these lines. Very often, it’s a voice from our parents, social contexts, cultures, and environments that we’ve adopted.

Step three: Use its strengths

But besides keeping us safe, the impostor part often also has another superpower — it is a sentinel (in old Italian, it comes from “sentina”, meaning vigilance). So, it senses and scans our environment for invisible structures, codes and (un)written rules. And the more we enter rooms that haven’t been designed for us or from which we have traditionally been excluded, the more the alarm will blare. So yes, your impostor is right! In many ways, it is detecting what I like to call systemic BS: “You are not welcome here.” So when that presents itself, instead of thinking — “it’s me, I’m the problem”, it’s good to reframe to: “Oh, I see — you are right, this is an environment that hasn’t been designed for me. It is not open and welcoming to someone like me.” Don’t get confused about where the actual problem is.

Step four: Give it a new role

Instead of allowing the impostor to be the driver on your journey, give it a different role: You can tell it to sit in the back seat (and chill the f··· out) or to be your navigator, alerting you of the turns on the road ahead. Or maybe you want to use a different metaphor that is helpful to you. Get creative!

Step five: Take responsibility

Working with it requires you to take on the job it had, so if we stay with the car analogy, YOU have to be in the driver’s seat. So, reflect on:

• What responsibility will you take to ensure it doesn’t trip you up again?
• How will you deal with its concerns when it brings them up? (Hint: you need to take them seriously.)
• What kind of relationship do you want to have with this part?

Step six: The ultimate antidote

A great antidote to impostor is your inner leader. The more you train this creative part of your brain, the less power your impostor will have. If you haven’t yet, check out my free inner leader visualisation and the other articles from the series I am writing on our inner team:

Part 1 on Inner Perfectionist

Part 2 on People Pleaser

Part 3 on your Inner Leader

Of course, it is more complex, and you can use many other strategies. Regardless of what any expert or I say, don’t outsource your agency. Trust that you are the expert in your life and know what is best for you.

Step seven

When it comes to breaking down systemic barriers and redesigning systems, there is no better way to do it than community. So get together, get organised and get going! 👏🏻

If you want to be on this journey through community, I am leading a leadership development group program for creative leaders and change-makers starting on March 18th 2024. We will work with all the above and more by the virtual bonfire. I’m hosting a preview gathering on Tuesday, March 12th, from 17.30 to 19.00 CET to give you an experience of the space and culture in the program. Sign up here🔥

— -

I’m Martina, a Creative Leadership Coach and Culture Designer for the regenerative era.

Through my creative studio , Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters.

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development
2. Team coaching & development

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.

It’s January 2024, and I still feel like I’m in wintering mode. I decided to move my official start of the year to the spring equinox, the energetic start of the year and — the time of my birthday. I am slowly simmering my intentions for the year ahead, well knowing — (from last year’s experience) that I might unleash an unexpected stream of events with whatever words I choose. They’re not just words; they are instructions to my subconscious — and it is listening. It definitely was last year.

My words were courage, integration and community. I thought they mainly pertained to my business, but — life had other plans, and it took me on a bit of a wild ride. Like, really wild.

Early in the year, I had an urgent existential kind of need. I had an urge to remove the external structures of my work altogether. I felt trapped, and I knew I had to do it. I wanted to birth my leadership program, Creative Catalyst, which I’ve been thinking about for years, but I didn’t want it to carry any of the pressure of “should”. It had to come from pure creativity, pleasure and joy of creating.

So, to give myself that space, I didn’t take on any new projects, and I completely got rid of all the planning, the disciplining, the shoulds, the urgent, the important, the prioritisations, the lists, and the to-do’s. In my usual fiery manner, I threw myself into it head first, figuring things out as I went.

And I realised that all these plans I was so attached to were just fake structures, and they were propping up a fake work approach, a way that wasn’t my own but a remnant of societal prescription. A prescription to keep things safe and predictable. To control the future, to ensure that things happen in a way I had imagined — or else…..

It was all a concoction of strategies like eating your frogs (a reference to Brian Tracy’s Eat That Frog! which always made me feel like a failure), SMART goals, precise targets and all the rest of productivity tools (and myths). To ensure I follow my plan and “deliver” what I promised. But I’ve been promising things all my life and didn’t want to anymore. I was dead tired of promises to others. And I was dead tired of “should-ing” myself into productivity and overriding my own creative impulse and rhythm. So, it all had to go.

The courage to let go

The thing you need to know about me is that I’ve always been a terrible procrastinator for as long as I can remember, not getting stuff done until it was critical and a deadline was breathing down my neck. I was what Gretchen Rubin calls an “obliger” — a person who meets outer expectations but struggles to meet expectations they put on themselves. (Any other obligers out there? 😅)

The structures I created and the frogs I was forcing myself to eat enabled me to get stuff done and to be productive (uh, I hate what we’ve done to this word). It included my newsletter, which was a way to respond to the outer expectations of my readers since I didn’t have the discipline just to create and flow. Or so I thought.

I didn’t know until I removed all of these structures that they were just pills I was willing to swallow to remove the uncomfortable symptoms of a deeper truth. And I had no idea that they also DISABLED something in my life.

They disabled me to see myself as I really am. They disabled me from knowing the bare, hard, honest and uncomfortable truth about my inner dynamics, my impulses, my inner dialogue, my patterns and my self-sabotage. And they ultimately prevented me from dealing with the causes of those patterns and getting to the root of it all.

Not only have I gotten rid of all planning, goals, and to-do lists, but I have also let go of all routines and rituals in the “should” category. Anything that exerted any kind of pressure on me had to go. Our family structures, client coaching calls, and meetings were the only things set. I even resisted sitting at a desk, so my studio mates rarely saw me, and most of my work was done in nature, underneath trees, by the water, and sometimes in cafés, galleries, and the botanical garden. And the rest was a vast, empty space that I didn’t know how to navigate any more than I knew how to start drawing from a blank piece of paper.

So, as I was sitting on this metaphorical collapsed pile of what used to be the scaffolding of my life, I felt anxious about it. I thought it would all go to hell if I let go of control. Here I was, maybe in the most crucial year of my life. I’ve paused projects and was betting big on Creative Catalyst, so the financial uncertainty and fear of survival were real and tangible. It wasn’t made up; I didn’t know how it would all pan out. There were no guarantees. At the same time, I couldn’t help but feel triumphant. It was an act of rebellion against “the system”. And it was also much deeper; it was the call of my inner wilderness. I had to answer. I had to meet all my exiled parts. So, I called on my courage to look in places I haven’t looked before and face the truth. Jung calls it the dark night of the soul, but I travelled willingly in the dark, and his The Red Book (Liber Novus) (and many others) has been a great companion on my journey.

Seeing the truth

With all this empty space in my life now and the uncertainty that came with it, my days were an intuitive flow of figuring out how to be in the world, led by my feminine energy (in coaching called “being” and in Chinese cosmology known as “Yin”, the dark). My inner masculine (the opposite — “doing” or “Yang”) had free reigns for a long time, always going, moving, hustling, doing, doing, doing. So, I needed to allow my feminine energy if I were ever to enable them to integrate into a healthy, balanced whole. I couldn’t help but feel that what was happening inside me was a reflection of our world in general — always doing, never resting.

I had to sit still for long enough to notice — and allow for — whatever was present for me. There were days when I got nothing done because I got distracted, my mind was a mess, or because there was so much inner resistance that I couldn’t get going without forcing myself. I fell into a pit of demotivation, dark, thick and endless. I constantly had urges to run away, fix it, and just will myself into doing — something. Anything. But I also knew that this was the shadow side of myself and that this was THE WORK I needed to do. I needed to stay in it if I wanted to coach others from a place of radical acceptance and knowing what it meant. I needed to walk the talk.

Into the wild

In the beginning, I judged myself. I felt weak, confused, and annoyed at my lack of willpower. And I had so much Doubt, with a capital D. I doubted I would ever come out of it again. But, if you sit long enough with the discomfort, you notice nothing is ever really still. Things are constantly moving and shifting. So, I met this shadow of mine with curiosity. I met the many sides of me that I didn’t want to acknowledge and that I was running away from. One of them was this fundamental, gut-wrenching fear. The fear of not belonging, of being ousted, of being alone. I had to reintegrate some painful experiences of my childhood and teenage years. Being the outsider, the weird one. I took too much responsibility at a young age, leaving myself behind and compromising my values just to fit in.

And here I was, in my process, all alone, years later, realising that the antidote to the fear was to meet it, to look it in the eye and ask what it wanted on my behalf. My fear was the voice of my inner child. She just wanted to feel safe. So, we sat by my inner bonfire with my inner wise elder, and I promised her that I would have her back, no matter what.

My inner dissident, rebellious teenager also had things to say. She was sticking it to “the should” and was doing everything in her power to sabotage my efforts to control and put pressure on creating the program. She was the one blocking the creation of Creative Catalyst. She didn’t want to be visible and vocal on socials; she didn’t want to perform, sing, and dance to get people in, and she didn’t want to conform to what this program was “supposed to be”. And most of all, she didn’t want to take responsibility and overexert herself (again). I know she always had my best interest at heart, so in our conversations, I assured her that I would do this in the right way and set healthy boundaries.

I had to ensure that all parts of me were included, heard and on board this journey. With presence, deep care and compassion. And when I did, the program was born. So when I say this program kicked my ass, this is what I mean. It was a massive change in my story, beliefs and identity.

By having the courage to face the shadow, I got much more than I thought I would. I also did a lot of intergenerational trauma healing, which is an essay of its own. In the process, I reconnected with the pure joy of creating. Not because I needed to arrive somewhere or achieve something but because something was looking to emerge; it was a pull of life from within. Do you know how some people “need” to write that book? Creative Catalyst is my book. However, it’s not “final” like a book; it’s a living thing that keeps evolving, has a life of its own and is currently in its second iteration.

The simple truth underneath it all

For all the depth of this process, I realised something very simple. That resistance really is just the stuck flow of life, a stuck dialogue between inner parts. An interrupted story looking to continue to be told. Unfinished conversations with ourselves and our souls. We all experience it, maybe more often than we know. And all it takes is courage to be still long enough to meet ourselves.

Through it all, I learned that:

Should is the voice of inner oppression, inevitably producing a countermeasure, an inner resistance against that should. And we cannot return to wholeness until we are willing to be in dialogue with both (and all the other parts of us).

And the same is true for our broader human system. We can become whole again when all parts and voices are included with acceptance, compassion and curiosity. And from there, we can have the thing that we most want. For me, it was to be loved, accepted, and belong — as I am.

At its core, this is regenerative leadership for me — creating conditions for life to thrive. Giving more than we take.

I am now slowly reintroducing structure and noticing if it feels conducive to life and creativity. I will always listen to the voice of “should” because it’s my voice and has something important to say, but I will never again let it dominate my life.

Now, I know that taking this time is an enormous privilege that few people have. However, what we can do is investigate how to create conditions for our lives to thrive. And there is no 3-step magical process for it, so I don’t have specifics for you. Part of the journey is being lost and embracing uncertainty.

So, how about you?

Do you have an inner “should” preventing you from living life on your terms?

What would be possible if you were free from it?

Are you willing to leap?

I am Martina, and I am a creative leadership coach and culture designer.

I grow leaders, teams and cultures for the regenerative era. ✨💚🌳

Creative Catalyst — a leadership program is now open and starts on March 18th 2024.

The past week has been hard. I’m grieving the death of innocent Israelis and Palestinians and can’t even imagine the terror of the people taken hostage and their families. I’m trying to witness and hold space for the repeating trauma of “we are being exterminated” for both Israeli and Palestinian people. I see you in your fear, pain and desperation. ❤️

I’ve not said much besides contacting my Jewish and Palestinian friends and colleagues. And it is not for lack of care, but words. Filled with grief, rage, disappointment, disbelief and all the feelings we’re feeling collectively, they eluded me. It’s taken me a week to find my centre to offer it to people who need it most.

I’ve turned to history to look for wisdom, both the history of Israel and Palestine and the history of the Balkan territory, my home. I’m continuously educating myself.

I want to share the context of where I’m coming from because our stories tie into our perception and experience of the world.

The history of my homeland

I am Slovenian and come from a territory with many centuries of war and foreign domination (The Romans, the Ottoman Empire, Napoleon, Austro-Hungary, and the Kingdom of Italy have all been masters of our lands). Slovenia had periods of sovereignty during the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes and the Kingdom of Yugoslavia and then as a sovereign republic of Slovenia as part of the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.

We lived in relative peace, the 23 million people in Yugoslavia, until June 25th 1991, when my home country of Slovenia and our neighbours Croatia declared our independence. The day after, Slovenia was attacked by the Yugoslavian national army. I was 13.

I remember my parents’ instructions for what to do when the sirens wail. I remember them forbidding us to go into the forest behind the house because a Yugoslavian army’s military base was atop that hill. I remember the shelter in the basement, filled with water, food, medical supplies, a gas canister for cooking and blankets. I remember my mother’s panicked voice as she tried to keep it cool. None of it made sense, but I ran home when I heard the sirens.

Slovenia got out after a short 10-day war; the rest of our southern neighbours weren’t so lucky. In 1992, Bosnia’s Declaration of Independence followed, and war ensued there. In 1995, the Srebrenica genocide happened. I was 17.

Srebrenica was declared a safe area by the UN and with UNCHR forces on the ground to protect it. Much of the international community passively stood by in inaction while over 7000 boys and men were killed, and more than 20,000 people fled. Many are still unaccounted for.

The political and military leaders responsible were later caught and convicted of crimes against humanity, genocide and violations of the laws of war by a special UN war crimes tribunal in The Hague. To this day, 30 years later, there is a denial of this genocide by some right-wing politicians, leading to renewed tensions. The wound never healed, and there is a real risk of the cycle of violence repeating. You see, the ethnic cleansing was also done to the Serbian population of Krajina during WWII by the Independent State of Croatia. And so, the perpetrated became the perpetrators, and the cycle repeated. The violence is systemic; it’s in the relationship.

The cycle of violence

I’m telling you all this because this is the collective scar pulling in me. And because none of us is exempt from it. It could have been us. It could be us. So many times, we promised ourselves — never again. Yet here we are.

I stand in utmost humility at the complexity at play in Palestine and Israel. My stance goes beyond politics. I will not be silent about the civilians being killed in Gaza, most of whom are refugees and half of whom are children. With nowhere to flee, no safe exit corridors bombed hospitals and a complete blockade of humanitarian aid, food, water, fuel and electricity. These are crimes against international humanitarian law. This is genocide. And if we don’t stop it, it will spawn another cycle of violence and another one after that, and potentially an escalation of violence across the entire region for generations to come. We’re already seeing the rise of anti-Muslim and anti-semitic violence worldwide. Nobody wins in this except the military complex. If you’re in doubt, please read the 10 stages of Genocide by the Holocaust Memorial Day Trust.

NOT IN MY NAME.

And I ask: have we completely lost our humanity — and imagination?

A new way forward

There is another way! It’s born of the best part of us. I know the love, care, compassion and creativity we are capable of as humans. I know the beauty of human connection, community and interdependence. I can imagine the world that is possible when we step into wisdom, listen to our hearts, overcome fear and denounce the binary of either/or, us and them. So, I call for immediate de-escalation of violence. Open the humanitarian aid corridors and guarantee their safety. Negotiate a peaceful solution.

I wish for all people, Palestinian and Israeli, Muslim and Jewish:

• a place to call home, safe from terror and violence, religious or otherwise
• the right to sovereignty and self-determination
• freedom from discrimination and dehumanisation
• that your stories are told, heard and witnessed
• that your grief is validated
• that you are supported and loved
• that you see your children grow up in peace

I wish for our wider human community to find a way to bridge our differences, to listen for understanding, to extend some grace and a bid to repair, to suspend judgment and othering and to stop the hierarchical ranking of who is suffering more and deserves more compassion. Each story, each pain, is unique and can be held and witnessed as such. It is not relative to someone else’s pain.

We need to meet each other in it all and allow the grieving. We can engage with respect and curiosity even when we disagree. And we can connect in our humanity before talking politics. It’s what ties us to one another. Our joint wish for freedom. Our joint pain, loss and grief. Our joint hope for a better future for our children.

And isn’t this a foundation worth building on? ❤️🕊️ You can start building that foundation right where you are, in your teams, families, and communities. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

PS. I am only open to conversations with a genuine intention of listening to understand, grace and empathy.

I am Martina, a creative leadership coach to change makers and teams.

Culture designer for regenerative futures. 💚✨

Tree climber, reclaiming my wilderness.🌳❤️‍🔥

Join Creative Catalyst — a leadership program for leaders and change-makers looking to catalyse systemic change from within.

A few days ago, I was privileged to facilitate another Wisdom seat session for our Regenerators community. It’s a space I rarely encounter outside of this context and my coaching communities, but one that profoundly impacts the circle of people gathered.

Wisdom seat sessions are gatherings deliberately designed to facilitate an emergence of collective wisdom. One person poses a central question or dilemma regarding a case, topic, situation, or opportunity they would like us to contemplate. The community then generously contributes with their experiences, life stories, perspectives and questions to deepen the exploration and insight.

The Wisdom seat sessions intend to weave the threads together into a patchwork of collective wisdom. There is nowhere to be, no particular destination to arrive at. There is space to be held, perspectives to be shared, deep connections to be cultivated, and emotions to be processed. Wisdom emerges when the space to share freely is safe, and the rushing is suspended.

I see it as a privilege and a great responsibility to be a space holder of these sessions, and I left the last session with so much beauty and hope.

So, to help leaders, I wanted to share the principles that can help you let go of your agendas and hold space for collective wisdom to emerge. I also wanted to tell you about an old tradition from my home country.

A Slovenian tradition

In Slovenia, we have a long-standing tradition of gathering underneath linden trees. If you travel around the country, many villages still have one in the village centre, and often there is a stone or a wooden bench underneath. The linden tree (“lipa” in Slovenian) is a symbol of Slovenia and our national consciousness. In the old days, as early as the 8th century, every village had a linden tree.

There, the local council and the village community gathered to contemplate and discuss important topics, make decisions and hold celebrations. The mayor presided over a jury of 12 elders in judgements, disputes between neighbours and settlements. The villagers also gathered to get the latest news and announcements before the spread of newspapers, radio and TV. And — the linden tree was also a place for seasonal festivities — the locals singing, dancing and celebrating together.

Still today, gatherings and even political events are organised underneath linden trees in many places.

The oldest linden tree (pictured) is called Najevska lipa, located near the farm called Najevnik, underneath the youngest volcano in Slovenia, Smrekovec. It is believed to have been planted in 1222 and is said to contain a treasure that the Turks buried underneath while escaping the army of King Matija Korvin. Matija is a central figure of a famous folk tale in Slovenia known as Kralj (king) Matjaž, sleeping underneath a nearby mountain, Peca, with his army. There, they await to be awakened by a blooming linden tree and save the nation from colonisers. Many linden trees are said to be planted in places where Slovenians have won over Turks. You can read the folktale in English here.

The linden tree has healing properties, and in Slovenia, we still make tea from its flowers and bark, and linden honey is a local treat.

It’s a symbol of the collective wisdom of my ancestors and my nation, so I share these principles from the very roots of my lineage. 🌳

Key principles for facilitating the emergence of collective wisdom:

Establish context

Clarify the context, intention and role of the sessions and how they are placed into the daily ongoings of your team, organisation or community.

Create a relationship agreement

Focus on co-creating a relationship agreement in the first session. Before each session, you can revisit this agreement and ask if anything else needs to be stated for people to feel safe. It will also help you to keep things flowing and bridge whenever difficulties arise. You can see the relationship agreement draft I have in place for my creative leadership program, Creative Catalyst. I say “draft” because, once the program starts, the program participants will co-shape a new version. And, since I am responsible for the space, some of the things stated are non-negotiable.

Facilitate sense-making

These sessions allow participants to collectively make sense of complex issues, exchange diverse perspectives, and collaboratively explore without driving towards action. It is fundamental to cultivate a belief that everyone possesses unique wisdom gained from their life journey. Through storytelling and relating shared insights can emerge, and the participants can better understand challenging topics.

See the system as a living organism

Drawing from the systems coaching (ORSC) and regenerative leadership, the metaphor of the team/organisation as a living organism, these sessions can also develop the awareness of the interconnectedness of all participants. Just as the linden tree is a foundational part of the biological and communal ecosystem, community members collaborate and contribute their unique wisdom to benefit the larger whole.

Tap into the essence of being, not doing

As a space holder for these sessions, ground yourself in the body and let go of the mind chatter. Lean into the energy of “being”, not hustling, doing, solving, and driving towards action. I’m sure you and your team spend most of your time in the doing energy, so this can be a welcome respite. It is an opportunity to tend to the roots of your system instead of constantly focusing on fruit-bearing. Instead, encourage people to reflect on their inner selves, values, and beliefs and explore their shared values and beliefs.

Cultivate purpose and shared identity

Together, you can explore your shared purpose, story and identity. Not just internally but also the purpose you fulfil in the world and how you, as a team or organisation, are part of a wider living system of clients, partners and communities. Bringing you all together towards a shared purpose will also help you cultivate a shared sense of identity and belonging.

Catalyse change through emergence

Wisdom seat sessions can catalyse personal and collective transformation by letting the process and insight emerge organically. Through open discussions and reflection, participants may gain new insights that inspire them to make positive changes in their lives and communities. By sharing personal stories and perspectives, participants develop empathy for other’s experiences, backgrounds and perspectives. This, in turn, strengthens relationships and helps new shared awareness to emerge.

Create continuity and consistency

Holding these sessions regularly establishes a sense of continuity and a supportive community. Consistency allows participants to build deeper connections over time and reinforces the idea that growth and wisdom are collective and ongoing processes.

Encourage integration

You can set time aside during sessions for personal reflection. Participants are encouraged to contemplate the discussions and insights gained, supporting the integration of emerged wisdom into their lives.

Wisdom seat sessions offer a holistic approach to personal and collective growth, building awareness of both the self and the whole. Through open conversations, mutual witnessing, and the weaving of seemingly disparate threads, participants can tap into the deeper dimensions of their being, enriching their lives and the lives of those around them.

Our collective responsibility is to create a more profound understanding of the human journey and more regenerative futures. I believe wisdom circles offer a unique sanctuary for those seeking a deeper connection with themselves, others and Life.

Through my creative studio, Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters.

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development
2. Team coaching & development
3. Creative Catalyst — a new leadership program for leaders and change-makers. Starting September 4th 2023.

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.

This article is part 3 in “Our inner team” series.

The coaching concept of the inner leader, also known as the leader within, the sage, the captain, or the wise one, the voice of your intuition, is based on the idea that leadership is an inherent quality of us humans and is not dependent on a position or a title. The inner leader is the part of us that embodies our wisdom, inner knowing, creativity, unconditional love, confidence, and compassion. It is an unlimited source of all-around badassery. I SO love coaching on this topic and connecting people to their inner leaders. I’m meeting witches and wizards, fairies, superheroes, power animals, energy blobs and sacred objects daily in this work. I love the moment when my clients see their greatness and all that is possible for them from here. It’s also scary as hell sometimes.

The inner leader is a very abstract concept to explain if you’ve never experienced or conversed with this part of you, so I’ve made a guided visualisation for you, which you can get here. In it, you will meet your inner leader.

What it is

Your inner leader is a visionary who guides you towards your life purpose. They embody wisdom, compassion, courage, clarity, and confidence. They KNOW what is aligned with your values and what the best way forward is. They represent an unshakeable belief in you and are fearless and relentless in pursuing what is best for you.

An alternative way to get in touch with our inner leader is first to become aware of our thoughts, feelings and sensations. This requires taking time to reflect and connect with ourselves on a deeper level through practices such as meditation, journaling, or mindfulness exercises. An inner voice of intuition will often arise when we get still for long enough to hear it.

We can really use our inner leader to balance out our inner perfectionists, pleasers, judges, critics, and impostors (some of which I have yet to unpack). It is a really powerful antidote to when you are triggered by something or hijacked by fear, anxiety, doubt and negativity.

The impact

One article is not enough to talk about all the benefits of tapping into our inner leader, so I will note the most impactful ones for people with leadership positions. Connecting to and working with your inner leader can help you:

• Lead with authenticity, in your own way, rather than trying to fit into a mould of what a leader “should” look like.
• Clarify your purpose, vision and values and take steps that are aligned with these.
• Make decisions with ease, clarity and confidence.
• Getting to know your values and staying true to them. This inspires trust and respect in your team. It creates clarity for others and a feeling of safety, especially in difficult times.
• Take significant steps towards self-acceptance and self-compassion, and role-modelling that towards your team.
• Bringing your best energy and creative power to the table enables your team to do the same, and collectively you can create a positive upward spiral of energy, brilliant ideas and solutions.
• Stay centred in turbulent times where there might be conflict, toxicity, overwhelm and confusion and your inner critics and triggered selves are loud and unhelpful.
• Provide a powerful source of guidance and inspiration in all areas of your life, whether leading a team, managing a project, being in a romantic relationship or raising kids.

Your inner leader in everyday life

You can call upon your inner leader in everyday situations, and here are a few ideas.

1. Let your inner leader guide you in developing relationships. Ask them to support you with ideas, skills or mantras to build meaningful, deep and long-lasting connections. Ask them, for example: “How can I contribute to this relationship in the best possible way?”
2. Get help to make decisions or take bold steps towards a desired future. For example, when facing a challenging situation, ask yourself, “What would my inner leader have to say about this? What guidance can my inner leader offer me here?”
3. Have your inner leader offer words of comfort and love when you’re feeling defeated and down. Use it to help you cultivate compassion and empathy towards yourself and others.
4. Cultivate resilience by calling upon your inner leader when you’re facing adversity. When facing challenges or setbacks, ask yourself, “What strengths or resources can I draw upon to overcome this obstacle?” and let your inner leader guide you forward.
5. Ask for guidance or a pep talk when you’re about to do something challenging. Ask them to remind you of all the qualities that you bring to the situation and all the times you’ve overcome difficulty.

In summary, the concept of the inner leader is a powerful tool for developing your authentic leadership style and skills. By connecting with your inner leader, you can tap into your unlimited creativity and wisdom, lead in your own powerful way, and make decisions that are aligned with your values and vision.

I really believe that leading in this way can change the world. Imagine the collective compound effect of all the goodness we carry within us! Now that is a dream worth working for. I’d love to see more wizards, witches, and superheroes in leadership rooms rather than scared and never-good-enough inner critics and perfectionists.

To wrap this up, I’d like to end with a systems coaching perspective:

“Leadership is a role that belongs to the system.”

Meaning it’s our shared responsibility to lead, regardless of the role and position we occupy. Will you answer the call?

PS. I’m writing a series on our inner team. You can read Part 1 on inner perfectionist here and Part 2 on people pleaser here.

Through my creative studio Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters (and have fun with it again).

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development
2. Team coaching & development

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.

This article is part 2in “Our inner team” series.

I am such a people pleaser. You too? Sigh of relief. Isn’t it great to know you’re not alone? 😅

Actually, I am a recovering people pleaser. Recently, I’ve done a short inventory of boundaries I’ve set around my time, energy, emotional and mental well-being and last, but not least, finances. I realised that I’ve set them quite consistently and with more ease than ever in the past year — I felt like a ninja warrior for a minute then! 🥷🏼😁

This is part II in the series on “Our inner team” — exploring the multitude of inner voices, parts of self that inhabit us: inner critics, inner leaders, voices of our intuition, our cheerleaders and allies. You can read Part 1 on perfectionism here.

Today, I want to unpack our inner pleaser, why it’s important to tackle it as creative leaders and — how to say yes to ourselves FIRST and set boundaries.

“I only recently realised that “No” is a complete sentence.” — Jane Fonda

What it is

People pleasing is — just like perfectionism — a survival strategy we developed as kids — and it’s kept us us safe, included and loved ever since. It’s a superpower of sorts. Except when it starts to grow over our head and it’s doing damage.

Unfortunately, it’s especially pervasive in women because of the patriarchal conditioning to be the “good girl”, be obedient and make other people happy and comfortable, never ask for anything for ourselves. And also as creative leaders we also end up in this trap, cause being empathetic and human centric is what got us into our profession in the first place.

When our inner pleaser gets triggered, it’s like we’re caught in between “a rock and a hard place” with no winning in sight. If we say no, we feel like a bad person, with guilt the size of the mountain. If we say yes, it’s the black hole of resentment, disengagement, overwhelm, anxiety and lowered self-confidence.

As pleasers we like to help, support, make other people feel good about themselves, and sometimes there is even some rescuing involved. But we’re not Cinderella’s are we? So, let’s write our own happy ending.

Let’s just imagine a client scope creep. Isn’t that our favourite. Ok, fair enough, maybe you’re on an internal team, so just imagine your leader asking you for more than you’ve agreed upon. In the moment of panic, the word “sure” flies out of your mouth and you immediately regret it. But now it’s too late to go back (or so you tell yourself) and you cancel your date, training, dinner with family or a Netflix binge. Top it off with feeling guilty, angry and annoyed with yourself — ta da! Sound familiar? Yeah, we’ve all been there, in Pleaseland. And — we can come back from there, too.

The impact

There are several side effects of people pleasing that can undermine your other good leadership efforts:

• Resentment is the most common one I’ve experienced myself. You may end up feeling disappointed with yourself — and the person who “made you do it”. It’s often accompanied by passive aggressive or sarcastic comments, and if you repeat it often enough it can lead to outbursts of anger or apathy.
• When you’ve kept a lid on yourself for a really long time, the pressure will eventually build and blow off the lid. Anger fits anyone? Those can leave other people puzzled and you can come across as temperamental and moody. If you’re a leader, you people will NOT feel safe bringing honest opinions to you for fear of your reaction.
• Pleasing can lead to ineffective leadership. Holding back on communicating difficult news, decisions and feedback can really undermine you. If you’re not clear and deliberate, your team can get disoriented and confused. They will also not trust you if you only say the easy stuff.
• When your team are confused, they will push back in search of clarity, boundaries and control. You risk spending a disproportionate amount of time re-anchoring decisions, getting buy-in and regaining trust. Besides — with no feedback, people’s growth will stagnate, issues will fester and the quality level of your work will stall. If you’re in innovation, you simply can’t afford that.
• If you’re also taking on your team’s workload, instead of delegating, it can breed dependency and helplessness in your teams.
• Stress and burnout was the biggest price I’ve personally paid for my own pleasing (combined with perfectionism) — I ended up doing all the work instead of delegating to my small animal friends (we’re still with Cinderella).
• Saying yes to others, the tradeoff will come from somewhere else: your free time, your sleep, your time with family or friends.
• Putting other people’s needs before your own, it can become increasingly harder to distinguish your own needs from other people’s needs. You might lose sight of what is important to you, who you are and what you really want, with doubt and lack of self-confidence as a consequence.

Becoming a boundary ninja

You can call on your inner boundary Ninja to help you on your way back from Pleaseland, and the process might look something like this:

1. Implement a “No deal” rule: if you find yourself almost unconsciously saying yes when you mean no, make a rule that you NEVER say yes to anyone before you’ve had time to think. This will create a DEFAULT space between a request and your response. This alone can help you intercept the pleasing auto-response and give you the time and space to make a conscious decision.
2. Create some space to separate your “hell yes’s” from the “hell no’s”. I use a rule of thumb that anything that is not a hell yes is a hell no. And then there’s some things that come with any job (and especially leadership) that you have to do and that’s just life.
3. Find yourself a boundary ally (or an inner boundary ninja). You can ask a friend who’s really awesome at boundaries to pep talk you, hold space for you to bring your fear, strategise, scheme and plan. You can also get a coach, we’re pretty effective at it :)
   I sometimes call on on AOC — Alessandra Ocasio Cortez, who takes no shit, especially from the patriarchy and I find her inspiring (if you’re a woman, you will understand).
4. Get clear on how you will communicate your “hell no”. Consider all potential objections and your response to them. If you’re dealing with a person that you usually have difficulty setting boundaries with (like your parent 😅), you will know what is coming when you say no, so you can prepare your answers ahead of time.
5. Prepare to implement the consequences of your decision if the other person doesn’t respect the boundary you set. Sometimes the consequences will suck and you need to be willing to follow through. Never make empty threats. I learned this one as a parent, the kids busted my fake threats in no time, and so will your team.
6. Prepare a time to recover after you’ve set the boundary. In the beginning it may feel like a giant wave has washed over you and you’ll be grasping for air. Your nervous system might be on high alert. You may be overwhelmed with guilt, shame and fear and I want to tell you that that is normal. You can feel vulnerable, so take good care of yourself and spend time on a calming activity — a walk in nature, a meditation or preparing your favourite food.
7. Start practicing your boundary ninja skills on small, not so significant decisions. Pick situations, where you can safely practice saying no, before you get to the big stuff (like saying no to your client on the project scope creep.
8. List your trade off’s, like an account balance. For every yes to other people, there is a no to yourself. Be clear on what you’re giving up by pleasing others. Understand what it’s costing you. It might not be a fun list to look at, but it’s effective as a wake-up call.
9. Imagine what it would feel like and what it would mean to you if you could say no with ease and set those boundaries. Really immerse yourself into this place and spend time here — especially before the situations where you have to say no.

I will leave you with one of my all time favourite quotes:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

― Prentis Hemphill

And, it’s also a challenge — what is the first small (or big) thing you want to say no to already tomorrow? 💪🏻

Read all articles in“Our inner team” series here.

Through my creative studio Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters (and have fun with it again).

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development
2. Team coaching & development

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.

This article is part 1 in “Our inner team” series.

I’ve long been exploring internal dynamics in myself and how they are showing up in my relationships and my leadership. In systems coaching, they are known as our inner team. I’ve first heard it at Centre for Right Relationship during my Organisation and Relationship Systems (ORSC) coaching training, but apparently the German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun studied and wrote quite a bit about the concept of the inner team. I wanted to write a series on this topic and share some of the systemic tools I use to reveal parts of the inner team, explore their voices and agendas and create the right relationship with them.

The inner team is a multitude of inner voices, parts of self that inhabit us. Inner critic could be one of the voices, but there are likely more, even ones you might not be aware of. Some of them are internalised voices of our parents, teachers and cultures. Some of them are our inner leaders, voices of our intuition, our cheerleaders and allies. All these parts have opinions, agendas, they talk to us, they “advise” us, they argue and can sometimes create huge tensions inside of us.

As a relationship systems coach, I work with both individual leaders and teams on getting aware of these different parts of ourselves, how they play out in group interactions and creating the right relationship with them.

One of the most common and insidious patterns holding back creative leaders that I see in my coaching practice is perfectionism. It is the death sentence for creativity, both individual and collective. So this felt like a good place to start.

What it is

Perfectionism is one of our survival strategies. Our inner perfectionists try to keep us safe by telling us a story that we believe is the truth. It creates a big condition and claims it in our life:

If you are perfect and do everything perfectly:

• you will be accepted in the tribe, you will be safe, admired and loved
• you will be protected from self-judgement and other people’s judgements of you
• they won’t be able to hurt you
• you will be in control and have order in your life
• you will be rewarded (monetarily or otherwise)

The consequences

The problem is that this protection strategy can lead to our constant frustration that we are not perfect, that other people are not perfect and that the world is not perfect. We get thrown off course, when the reality doesn’t match our expectations and then we want to control people and circumstances even more. This leads to further rigidity, frustration and resentment and becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

Leaders (or parents, for that sake) with perfectionist tendencies can cause:

• Triggering other people’s inner perfectionists, which can create a downward spiral of fear and anxiety about making mistakes and failing
• Fear of failure that prevents you from showing up authentically, leading to distrust in our teams
• Unwillingness to risk anything, leading to diminished creativity and capacity to innovate in our teams
• Self-doubt about the value and quality of your work, hiding the work until “it’s perfect”, which then leads to further doubt when feedback is given and confirms our imperfection
• Spending a disproportionate amount of time on details instead of focusing on things that really matter (details can matter, too — just not always)
• Team disengagement and giving up when people feel that they can “never get it right anyway”
• A performance culture of “never good enough” where your self-worth is conditioned by constant striving, achievement, competition and “being the best” at all cost

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.” — Anne Lamont

Don’t shame and belittle it — you are shaming a part of yourself that has been protecting and serving you well (albeit unskilfully).

The way out

Having unwired much of my own perfectionism, I’m here to tell you that there is another way to get into right relationship with your inner perfectionist. It’s not a quick fix. This process needs patience and dedication.

When your inner perfectionist is triggered the next time:

1. Notice where you feel it in your body and what that is like
2. Investigate why it’s there, what’s its agenda and how it’s tying to protect you
3. Ask how you can take responsibility for its concerns as an adult
4. Commit to changing your habitual responses, so you can be in right relationship with that part of self
5. Identify a particular situation you want to handle in a different way
6. Thank your perfectionist and tell it that you got this now
7. Do things differently
8. Keep an awareness about people and situations that trigger this part of you and prepare in advance for those interactions.

When you do this work, you may need to temporarily or permanently remove yourself from triggering people and situations. It’s ok to set this boundary, even when it’s hard.

You got this!

Through my creative studio Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters (and have fun with it again).

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development

2. Team coaching & development

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.