I’ve been meaning to get started writing on Medium for a while now, so I guess I have The Weeknd to thank for this final push. I guess I also have him to thank for using his influence to continue the cycle of male gaze BS that reinforces and normalizes the idea that women exist for the viewing and using pleasure of any man who gives them the compliment of noticing them. So, The Weeknd, I thank you! Medium thanks you! And women across the globe thank you!

What has me all riled up? Didn’t we all give the #metoo movement thing its moment? Haven’t we solved sexual harassment? Can’t we all move on to the next trending hashtag or celebrity tweet? Ya know, I really wish we could. I really wish the movement was no longer necessary because it successfully motivated the complete societal change we need. But we all know that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong, I think #metoo gained some real traction. I understand that the change we need is complex and its going to take time. I understand that the fight continues. That’s why I’m here — so that the next trending hashtag doesn’t completely overshadow this battle. No matter how catchy the tune is, or how talented and influential the star is, the trend of misogyny needs to meet with opposition on one more front every time.

I know a lot of men who were shocked by the number of women in their lives who shared in the #metoo experience. Many men, especially those who would never imagine treating a woman badly or unequally, were left asking “what can we do to help?”. A lot of great conversations resulted: check your friends when they express inappropriate attitudes toward women; stand up for your female friends in the conversations at work or even in a social setting; give them a voice. These and many other recommendations have been helpful and I know many men have taken them to heart. But I have one more for you, and this one applies to both men and women: don’t be lulled into breeding a culture that belittles and undervalues women by the voices of popular media (music, film, print, etc.). The #metoo phenomenon is a symptom and, while that needs to be treated, turning our attention to the root cause is also an important step. Let me explain.

If you think you know what you need…guess again. The Weeknd knows better.

Riding in a Lyft the other day I sat in silent rage as the familiar and distinctive voice of Abel Makkonen Tesfaye (a.k.a, “The Weeknd”) sang “Hurt You” — a song off his recent album. The song describes a woman in deep emotional pain that has even led her to contemplate suicide…regularly. Her pain is caused by her love for the narrator of the song, who, it turns out, isn’t interested in a relationship. Ok, fair enough — people aren’t always on the same page with love and sometimes they get hurt. However, as the song continues, a very concerning theme arises.

The narrator “warns” the woman to stay away if she’s looking for love because if she calls him up he’s “f**king [her] on sight.” The chorus, “I don’t want to hurt you,” of course, gives the song its title and is further BS, which I’ll come back to. And then there’s the final verse, which is also the final blow in the twisted psychology the song promotes. Here the narrator reveals that this woman thinks of him all the time — even when she’s with other men — and he closes with “Just call me up again…I’ll make you weak…” blah, blah, blah I’m great in bed. In the context of the song, if this woman can’t forget the narrator even when she’s with another man, it’s not because she really just needs some great sex.

Let’s break it down:

• She is hurting
• She is suicidal
• She loves him
• He doesn’t reciprocate
• That’s why she’s suicidal
• He offers her sex, because…she wants his love, not just sex (a fact that’s making her suicidal)

Now, we could chalk this up to a guy being an emotionally moronic and selfish a**hole, but, honestly, I think we have a real and deeper problem here. Of course no one should stay in a relationship just because the other person wants the relationship to last. By all means, Abel, if you’re looking for casual (but, of course, mind-blowing because, hey, what a man) sex and she’s looking for something else, you’re not obligated to stick around. That said, this song reinforces the idea that sex is what women actually want and need, even when they’re expressing the need for something else. In fact, even when they’re aching for something else. Or, ya know, maybe even when they’re not expressing a need for anything at all. It’s all very reminiscent of my favorite kind of street harassment that goes something like “smile, beautiful, c’mon, smile…I bet I could make you smile.” Or in other iterations something like, “I know what you need”…

No…actually…you really don’t. #metoo

This Just In: The Weeknd Confirms that “No” Actually Does Mean “Yes”

It’s a fantasy life in which some men are convinced that their sexual prowess (by their own assessment, of course) is all any woman needs to live a complete, fulfilling life. I’d like to think that only the richest, most cultivated fantasy life (sometimes called utter delusion) could move someone to actually vocalize their sexual imaginings publicly and often aggressively to a total stranger. But the sheer frequency of this activity indicates that buy-in to this degree of fantasy is terrifyingly wide-spread. This fantasy doesn’t only impact women walking down the sidewalk to work, or lunch, or class, or the gym, or…anywhere. It can also be tied to the “no means yes” mentality that is often behind not only street harassment, but, ya know, date rape and sexual assault to name a couple minor problems.

Don’t Take It The Wrong Way — The Weeknd Isn’t Trying to Hurt You

Back to the title line, as promised: I also take huge issue with the narrator’s repetition of “I don’t want to hurt you.” It strips away responsibility. It’s this “I can’t help myself” BS. The familiar: “I’m not trying to disrespect, but, I just gotta tell you…the things I’d do to you…” that the smitten, and, no doubt, deeply personally interested gentleman on the street just has to share. #metoo

It’s one step away from the “she was asking for it” attitude. Hey, you wore that dress…or had that second drink, or made that phone call, or sent that text. You get what you deserve. In this case, the guy knows that he’s causing her pain and, although he “doesn’t want to hurt her,” he will — without a second thought. How could he help himself? No one can actually expect him to be a halfway decent human being, right? That’s crazy talk.

I have some crazy talk for you:

You don’t want to hurt her, Abel? Then don’t. Just leave her to work through her pain. She’ll probably be just fine. You’re not trying to disrespect, sir? Then…don’t. Just shut your mouth.

I’ll leave the exegesis at that. I won’t even go into the throw-away nature of the line about this woman’s suicidal thoughts…because that’s not really problematic, is it? Seriously, Abel, could you hit any more lows in a song that has essentially 2 verses and then repeats “I don’t want to hurt you” about 5 billion times? (Brilliant song-writing, btw)

What Is the #metoo Call to Action?

Ok, so now that I’m done dissecting this song that has over 49 million listens on Spotify, am I really asking you not to listen to it? Yes, I am. If you’re saying to yourself “come on, it’s pop music…it’s not a big deal” then you’re making my point for me (it’s just locker room talk, amIright?). It’s not a big deal because the attitude towards women found in this song has been so normalized, it slides under the radar as just another catchy tune. If we’re really going to change the way women are treated in society — at work, at home, and in their communities — maybe we can start by not listening to misogynist sewage on repeat. This song is popular…it’s a representation of what we’re ok with. “Not necessarily,” you think, “I listen to a lot of music that doesn’t describe my lifestyle.” Ok. If you think you can completely compartmentalize the media you voluntarily consume from the way you think…more power to ya. But what about the people who can’t? Or don’t? What about the kids that are listening to this stuff? If “I don’t love the message” has even crossed your mind, then why give it a larger market?

Hey, I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to falling for a good pop song. I can basically sing Despacito in Spanish just from listening to it so much (even the Daddy Yankee parts). I often try to ignore lyrics and just enjoy the beat. But something snapped in me in that Lyft…in that setting the lyrics were so clear, I couldn’t avoid them. Next time I will politely (and with zero judgement) ask my driver to change the song. I don’t think the world would suffer too much without this and similar songs, so, I’ll be doing my best not to up their listen count on Spotify. Wouldn’t be the worst thing if you joined me in that effort.