I’m grateful for the sweet classical tunes whispering in my ear as a Yankee game is playing on the monster TV in front of me.

I’m grateful for sloppy bulldog kisses. These four beauties are, well, gross, but in a lovely kind of way! I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m grateful for all of the death and dying information I have at my fingertips. In studying to become a certified Death Doula/Midwife, I am soaking up as much data as I can get my hands on.

I’m grateful for the Quality of Life Doula Program and it’s facilitators. Deanna is amazing. Feeling the love!

I’m grateful for the Awakening around death and dying that is occurring now. It’s an exciting time to become a Death Doula!

I’m grateful for the Ministry work that I am currently in which is helping me to walk through Fear in following my heart with the Doula work. I’m so grateful for my beautiful facilitator, Cathy…her kindness, encouragement, and support.

I’m grateful for communication with the kids…that Bri reaches out to me and shares life stuff without my prodding (okay, mostly)…that Brody got a promotion and enjoys his new position…that Paige is a wonderful mom and wife…very blessed. That Mo & Mar, though a little spoiled, are happy and healthy.

I’m grateful for my most awesome husband and his love and adoration. He’s the absolute best.

I’m grateful for an awesome ride to (accompanied by my husband) work and home yesterday…and that I did not get soaked! In Florida this time of year one never knows.

I’m grateful for my Funeral Officiator work and calling. For my connections and ability to walk through my fear, do the work in preparation, and get through it pretty durn well, too! An immense gift.

I’m grateful to be willing and able to work out like I do. It’s been almost a year! I’m proud of myself! Getting muskles…yes, misspelled purposely.

I’m grateful to be sitting here tapping on the keyboard. Showing up.

I remember long ago, when I was in my late teens, thinking, most probably after hearing of a friend moving through the death of a loved one, “Wow…death has never touched me. No one close to me has died”. YET. It is always a yet. I was young and ignorant to the true eventuality of death.

My Aunt Mary passed when I was a child. I only heard about it and was not present for it. She was a kind and loving woman who I met but a few times. I experienced some sadness for this sweet socialite, always dressed to the nines, but I did not know her very well. She was always welcoming and made me feel special. I somehow knew the world was not as bright without her. She was revered, and still is, by all of my relatives. A classy conduit of Love, was she! Definitely a light in this world!

The first death which I truly experienced was my Poppy. He was sick with Parkinson’s Disease for quite some time so I am sure it was a bit of a welcome release for my family as in his last months he could hardly speak and was confined to a hospital bed in the kitchenette area of my grandparent’s Jackson Heights apartment. At this time I was living with roommates (some of which were siblings) across the hall so I was able to visit rather frequently (I was around 19 so I know it wasn’t that frequent, truth be told!). I do not recall his death experience. I imagine it was there at the apartment. We had the typical Irish Celebration of Life in a bar in Queens preceded by Mass and a procession to the cemetery. I think I was relieved at how well my Nana held up. Today I recognize that she was my Pop’s caretaker. I am now aware of what an exhausting role that can be. Hospice care was not as available then (late 80’s) as it is now. It was, and still is my impression that Nana was at peace with Poppy’s passing.

My Nana transitioned next in 1998 or 1999. I had recently moved to NC from NY so I made the trip up to the City for her grand ‘ol Irish Wake & Funeral. I was surprised at the behavior of some of our relatives. The “pot” does not agree with everyone for certain (and I for one prove that!). My Nana was my Nana…she was on a pedestal in my heart, right there next to my Dad. She had a second relationship after my Pop passed and shacked up with a lovely man, Dave. Visiting her was an important part of my life though I wish that I did so more than I did. I’m grateful that we shared the closeness that we had. My Nan was one of the “safe” people in my life…someone I could talk to about most things that were off limits to others.

Next…we move to 2001 when my biological mom, Gail, died of pancreatic cancer. Gail/Mom did not raise me. She wasn’t around much at all. Most of my life we lived over 500 miles from one another. However, we reconnected when I was 21 and she was in my life from then until her passing (10 years later). Even though she did not raise me, she was always my “mom” in my mind. Yeah, I’m sure I may still have issues around her…nevertheless, I feel that I have forgiven her. I am grateful for the time that we had together. My mom was diagnosed late and had six months from the time of her diagnosis to her death. It was traumatic and dramatic. In the hospital…siblings (we are eight total) all there. Drinking…boo-hooing….it was not very pretty. Her friends that attended her service (on the beach in Mount Pleasant) were not even aware of us, her first five children (none of which lived in the area). Nevertheless, mom’s death was difficult and took some time to process as it brought a lot up.

Next, jump to May 2010…a call in the night…my brother, 44, three years older than me, dead. Gone. I was never to hear his goofy laugh again (hey, guess what? I still hear it!!! YaY!). I always felt Sean was going to die young. He was on a path of destruction for 25 years. It was painful to watch…heart-wrenching to be sure. We were close and I miss him every day. What helped me cope with his death was my Dad’s terminal illness and being there for him and my mom (step). It was an arduous time. I feel like my coping was avoidance, and staying busy.

My Dad passed in late September of the same year…I was blessed with the gift of being woken by one of my parent’s pups at 3 AM and going down to my dad’s bedside…holding his hand as he took his last breath within five minutes of my arrival. My mom, who was laying beside him, woke after a few moments of gentle prodding and let out a loud groan of anguish and devastation when she was told he was gone. Less than a year later, she joined him in Salisbury National Cemetery. I was gifted with the same blessing as she passed shortly after 1 AM in the hospital, holding my hand.

After my dad passed I had distanced myself somewhat from everyone. I did stay in touch with my mom but didn’t go to see her as often. She was living with a chronic disease since 1993 when she was only given five years to live, (PBC), however, she had her sons, my step-brothers, close by and my sister was helping her for a short time, too. I am grateful that I was able to take her to visit my father’s grave-site on Memorial Day weekend in 2011, her first time since his gravesite vigil, only months before she was to join him.

I kept my distance from my remaining siblings for some time. It was my defensiveness…my “protecting” myself. There was chaos and ugliness after our parents were gone as is not too uncommon for many families.

A year & a half later, my youngest step-brother, Brian, passed away with colon cancer at the age of 39. He was five years my junior. Our parents married when he was five and I was ten. We were never very close as he was my step-mom’s favorite and I was envious of that fact being on her watch-list. We did share a bond though. I will always remember at around 6 years old his kneeling on the couch, gazing out the window into the sky singing….”The cloooouuuuuds, follow meeeeeeee-eeeee”.

I know. Not very spiritual. Obviously I am wanting your attention.

My uncle transitioned in the winter of 2017. He was living in NYC in a nursing home. His caretakers were the staff there. His middle brother a point of contact and visitor. I do not know what his last years were like for him. We were not very close so did not stay in touch. My most current memory of him was jolted by a picture from my father’s funeral service back in October, 2010. Unfortunately, I did not even recall his being there. Only recently I claimed that he wasn’t to my aunt…that is, until I was shown that photo. He always had a gentle and quiet presence so in the cloud of delusion that occurs after the passing of a loved one, I guess my not recalling is understandable.

In my childhood memories of this gentle giant he was always smiling. He spoke a little muffled and never said too much. He had a bit of a lisp which may have been the root cause of his subdued personality. At the same time, I also recall his generous and kind nature, and that he was a bit of a pack-rat…a hoarder, even. He would store his treasures in our garage in North Hollywood, California. I’m not sure what his treasures were as they were definitely off limits! However, each time him came over to add to his storehouse he would give me one or two quarters….Ahhh, a prize that would lead me to the local 7–11 and CANDY!!!!

My family has had its issues. What family doesn’t? When our grandparents were alive, they kept us all at least coming together. We would join together at least a few times a year for holidays and celebrations. However, once they passed most efforting of maintaining family relationships was minimal by most parties. I don’t believe we have all been together at all since the passing of my Nana back in 1999 or 2000. And that get together was an embarrassing fiasco for some which I will not go into! As we all know, Celebrations of Life events can often get feisty when mixed with alcohol!

My uncle died alone. Yes, he was horrible at staying in touch and anybody who knew him would agree. He even “disappeared” a time or two going off on his own adventures without letting the family know. Yes, his family and loved ones reside in all corners of the United States. BUT, He died alone on a cold winter day in a nursing home in NYC. Not only did he die alone, but he had dementia years before he passed. God only knows the isolation and confusion he experienced. It was only after pleas from his cousin, who lived across the country, to his brothers, who lived locally, that anyone took any action in assisting him to move into a nursing home for the care that he required. There are rumors that he lived on the street for some time up to that point.

This tale illustrates a lack of community that exists anymore. You see, this world may have become smaller with an instants access to anywhere on the globe, however, what is lost is the sense of local comradery that once existed. When I was little we enjoyed the game kick-the-can in the street and every adult helped to look after all of the children who wandered about the neighborhood playing until well past dusk. What was unified “back in the day” today is now more separate than ever. The connections that once existed within neighborhoods and even families have been severed by the gnarly knife of fear, trepidation, and technology. I’m not blaming, as I can certainly recognize myself in all of this: almost glaringly. I would never have reached out to my uncle because God-forbid he reject me or seem disinterested. It was not worth the risk to me! I’ll just continue to live my happy little life right over here in my own little bubble. Due to this change in community it is important to be aware of the free and paid services that are available to assist where this commonwealth no longer does.

Lack of community or not, we do not have to die alone. There is a movement occurring right now across the globe around the awareness of death and dying. Dying requires as much attention, consideration, and planning as does a birth. We have to stop avoiding the topic of death. In this world of keeping people alive at whatever the cost the process of dying has become cold and mechanical. Doctors are taught to save lives, whatever the cost. We each need to put serious consideration into how we want to die. I suggest having a plan (advance directive) in place even as young as age 30 and updating it as necessary and at least every five years. If you’re not sure how to go about this you can check with an Institute on Aging in your area/country. Oftentimes a local Hospice could point you in the right direction, too. If you need assistance, please email me directly.

My uncle most likely gave no thought to an advanced directive. Once dementia set in that opportunity was gone. It wasn’t that he was poor and without money, either. He had options while we was still clear-minded. He could have planned the most beautiful and tranquil death he desired. He was of the generation where you don’t talk about things like “death”. We need to start talking about things like this! Whether we have money or not, we all have options. There are also End-of-Life Doulas who provide support services to those sick or dying and their loved ones on a sliding fee scale or even free. Death is inevitable. How you choose to die is often a choice.

BIO: Rev. Maureen L. Yarbrough, Funeral Officiator, Death Doula, Harley Riding Minister! Oh, and my day job is managing a medical practice.email: maureen@soul-steward.com phone: (904) 625–8842 https://www.facebook.com/SoulSteward/ https://twitter.com/StewardSoul https://www.instagram.com/soul_steward_advocates/

Day 2! YaY! I give everything all the meaning it has for me….all based on my limited tiny, teeny perception based on fear & lies, pressed down upon me by societial norms that are all so very skewed ..not true…nope! Not one iota! Isn’t that a friggin’ relief???? Woot!!! LOVE YOU!!! ENJOY!!!!

Remember, be gentle with yourself! No guilt! No beating yourself up for not following it completely, okay? Guilt is the grand separator disguised as fear. Exhale it out…let it go!!!

Please, if you would….start with this prayer:

Dear God, please enable me to set aside everything thing I think I know, well, about everything. Please God, direct me….enable me to have an open mind for a new experience in all things. Help me to become aware. Allow me to be your conduit. Thank you, God. I am ready to return to Love and be Free, as You would have me BE. Amen.

(Begin each day with the prayer “Help me to perform whatever miracles you want of me today.”)

miracle

Conventional: A divine healing of the physical world or body, in which the normal earthly laws of sickness and death are momentarily suspended, the Spirit enters and brings instantaneous healing in ways considered impossible. ACIM: A divine healing of humanperception, in which the normal “laws” of egoic thinking (based on guilt, fear, sickness and death) are momentarily suspended. In this holy instant, the Holy Spirit enters and shifts perception from fear to love, healing all problems with equal ease regardless of their seeming size or gravity (see no order of difficulty in miracles). Contrary to our thinking, miracles are truly natural. They are the opposite of magic, where we try to use an unnatural power (something apart from God’s Will) to save us by rearranging illusions (rather than awakening the mind to truth). Miracles are the means for achieving the goal of the Course. They bring us to the remembrance of Heaven, where they become functionless.

Miracle Principles 1-14 (from Text ACIM)

1. The first thing to remember about miracles is that there is no order of difficulty among them. One is not harder or bigger than another. They are all the same.

2. Miracles do not matter. They are quite unimportant.

3. They occur naturally as an expression of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense, everything that comes from love is a miracle.

a. This explains the first point related to the lack of order. All expressions of love are maximal.
b. This is why the “thing in itself” does not matter. The only thing that matters is the Source, and this is far beyond human evaluation.

4. All miracles mean Life, and God is the giver of the Life. He will direct you VERY specifically.
(Plan ahead is good advice in this world, where you should and must control & direct where you have accepted responsibility. But the Universal Plan is in more appropriate hands. You will know all you need to know. Make NO attempts to plan ahead in this respect.)

5.Miracles are habits, and should be involuntary. They should not be under conscious control.
(Otherwise they may become undemocratic. Consciously selected miracles are usually dangerous misguided and may destroy this will make the talent useless.)

6. Miracles are natural. When they do NOT occur something has gone wrong.

7. Miracles are everyone’s right, but purification is necessary first.

8. Miracles are a form of healing. They supply a lack, and are performed by those who have more for those who have less.

9. Miracles are a kind of exchange. Like all expressions of love, which are ALWAYS miraculous in the true sense, the exchange reverses the physical laws.

10. A miracle is a reversal of the physical order because it brings more love to the giver and the receiver.

(A miracle is misunderstood when it is regarded as a spectacle.)
11. The use of miracles as a spectacle to induce belief is wrong. They are really used for and by believers.

12. Prayer is the medium of miracles. Prayer is the natural communication of the Created with the Creator. Through prayer, love is received, and through miracles love is expressed.

13. Miracles are thought-creations. Thought can create lower-order or higher-order realities. This is the basic distinction between intellectualization and thinking. One creates the physical, and the other the spiritual, and we believe in what we create.

14. A miracle is a beginning and an end(ing). It thus abolishes time. It is always an affirmation of re-birth, which seems to go back, but really goes forward. It undoes the past in the present, and thus releases the future.

Lesson 2

I have given everything I see in this room
[on this street, from this window, in this place]
all the meaning that it has for me.

The exercises with this idea are the same as those for the first one. Begin with the things that are near you, and apply the idea to whatever your glance rests on. Then increase the range outward. Turn your head so that you include whatever is on either side. If possible, turn around and apply the idea to what was behind you. Remain as indiscriminate as possible in selecting subjects for its application, do not concentrate on anything in particular, and do not attempt to include everything you see in a given area, or you will introduce strain.

Merely glance easily and fairly quickly around you, trying to avoid selection by size, brightness, color, material, or relative importance to you. Take the subjects simply as you see them. Try to apply the exercise with equal ease to a body or a button, a fly or a floor, an arm or an apple. The sole criterion for applying the idea to anything is merely that your eyes have lighted on it. Make no attempt to include anything particular, but be sure that nothing is specifically excluded.

Each of the first three lessons should not be done more than twice a day each, preferably morning and evening. Nor should they be attempted for more than a minute or so, unless that entails a sense of hurry. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential.

Click this link for insights on Lesson 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACtaKlFmeQE

Day 2 ☺ Lesson 2 & Miracle Principles 1-14 was originally published in A Course In Miracles for the Challenged…yes, that’s me! on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It is an honor and a privilege to share this with you. I am excited about this endeavor as I know that it will help me, too!!! So, thank you!! Thank you! Did I say, thank you??? ☺

Please do not try to over think any of this. Take it piecemeal…it will all fall into place as it is meant to. True story! I assure you!

Please read/practice as instructed to do so, as able to!!!! and let me know if you have any questions at all!!! Remember, be gentle with yourself! No guilt! No beating yourself up for not following it completely, okay? Guilt is the grand separator disguised as fear. Exhale it out…let it go!!!

Please, if you would….start with this prayer:

Dear God, please enable me to set aside everything thing I think I know, well, about everything. Please God, direct me….enable me to have an open mind for a new experience in all things. Help me to become aware. Allow me to be your conduit. Thank you, God. I am ready to return to Love and be Free, as You would have me BE. Amen.

Introduction to A Course In Miracles
This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary.
Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum.
It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time.
The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught.
It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence,
which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear,
but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.
This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

Beautiful!!!! Just beautiful. I get so excited in reading this again. It is “required” meaning that all will come to know the truth one day, even if it’s not through the path of the Course. The Course does not claim to be the only path.

Introduction to the Lessons:

An untrained mind can accomplish nothing. It is the purpose of these exercises to train the mind to think along the lines which the course sets forth.

The exercises are very simple. They do not require more than a few minutes, and it does not matter where or when you do them. They need no preparation. They are numbered, running from 1 to 365. The training period is one year. Do not undertake more than one exercise a day.

The purpose of these exercises is to train the mind to a different perception of everything in the world. The workbook is divided into two sections, the first dealing with the undoing of what you see now, and the second with the restoration of sight. It is recommended that each exercise be repeated several times a day, preferably in a different place each time, and if possible in every situation in which you spend any long period of time. The purpose is to train the mind to generalize the lessons, so that you will understand that each of them is as applicable to one situation as it is to another.

Unless specified to the contrary, the exercise should be practiced with eyes open, since the aim is to learn how to see. The only rule that should be followed throughout is to practice the exercises with great specificity. Each one applies to every situation in which you find yourself, and to everything you see in it. Each day’s exercises are planned around one central idea, the exercises themselves consisting of applying that idea to as many specifics as possible. Be sure that you do not decide that there are some things you see to which the idea for the day is inapplicable. The aim of the exercises will always be to increase the application of the idea to everything. This will not require effort. Only be sure that you make no exceptions in applying the idea.

Some of the ideas you will find hard to believe, and others will seem quite startling. It does not matter. You are merely asked to apply them to what you see. You are not asked to judge them, or even to believe them. You are asked only to use them. It is their use which will give them meaning to you, and show you they are true. Remember only this; you need not believe them, you need not accept them and you need not welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, nor decrease their efficacy. But allow yourself to make no exceptions in applying the ideas the exercises contain. What ever your reactions to the ideas may be, use them. Nothing more than this is required.

Lesson 1 — Nothing I See Means Anything

Now look slowly around you, and practice applying this idea very specifically to whatever you see:

“This table does not mean anything.”

“This chair does not mean anything.”

“This hand does not mean anything.”

“This foot does not mean anything.”

“This pen does not mean anything.”

Then look farther away from your immediate area, and apply the idea to a wider range:

“That door does not mean anything.”

“That body does not mean anything.”

“That lamp does not mean anything.”

“That sign does not mean anything.”

“That shadow does not mean anything.”

Notice that these statements are not arranged in any order, and make no allowance for differences in the kinds of things to which they are applied. That is the purpose of the exercise. The statement is merely applied to anything you see. As you practice applying the idea for the day, use it totally indiscriminately. Do not attempt to apply it to everything you see, for these exercises should not become ritualistic. Only be sure that nothing you see is specifically excluded. One thing is like another as far as the application of the idea is concerned.

Yay! Lesson one, done! Woot!

I recall when I did this lesson my very first time….I struggled with it. It did not make any sense.

LOVE YOU!

Lesson One & ACIM Intro. was originally published in A Course In Miracles for the Challenged…yes, that’s me! on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

You may want to go straight to the source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Course_in_Miracles

A Course in Miracles was originally written as a collaborative venture between (Helen) Schucman and (Bill) Thetford. At the time, 1965, Thetford was director of the psychology department of Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center in New York City while at the same time holding a faculty appointment as Professor of Medical Psychology at the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons. Schucman began her professional career at the Medical Center as Thetford’s research associate, later also to become a tenured professor of psychology at Columbia University.

Their weekly office meetings had become contentious and they had both expressed their dislike of these meetings, feeling uncomfortable and angry. Tired of the professional competitiveness and negativity that seemed to have arisen, on an afternoon in June 1965, Thetford delivered a speech to Schucman indicating that he felt they had been using the wrong approach. “There must be another way” he concluded.

Schucman felt that this speech had somehow acted as a sort of a stimulus, eventually triggering off a long series of inner experiences that could be categorized as visions, dreams, heightened imagery, along with a certain “inner voice” that began to make itself known. Finally on October 21, 1965, the “inner voice” asked of her: “This is a Course in Miracles, please take notes.” This was the reputed voice that had previously identified itself to her as the voice of Jesus. Schucman said that the writing made her very uncomfortable, though it never seriously occurred to her to stop.

The next day at work, with great excitement, she explained the exceptional events of her “note taking” to Thetford. To her surprise, Thetford encouraged her to continue the process, offering that if the notes she had taken did not make sense then, but only then, should she stop. He also offered to assist her in typing out her notes as she read them to him. Thetford found the notes to be making sense and so this routine of note taking and typewriter transcription the next day repeated itself regularly for many years to come. Finally in 1972 the dictation of the first three sections was completed. Still, the dictation of the last two sections of Course material lasted until September 1977.

ACIM — — How it came to be. was originally published in A Course In Miracles for the Challenged…yes, that’s me! on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I am abundant…lacking no-thing, nothing. I have all that I need and soooooooooooo very much more. Thank you, God.

What gifts did God give you?

It’s funny as I often see my gifts as curses…I have an open heart…I trust fully, Love easily, give freely (?motives — people pleaser?). I get along with others comfortably…I am a natural leader without intimidation…I love, love, love to express myself with the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard…

I perceive myself as being “hurt” lately due to (putting myself in a position to be hurt!!!) trusting too much…giving of myself too much (not taking care of me first— “giving” with expectation…doi!)… I was fear-centered so not behaving as directed through Spirit but alllllllllll Mo-driven….controlling….propelled by only my egocentric thinking.

What are you? SPIRIT…you, you, and You!

What are the things that make you YOU? Nothing of me, all of God…LOVE is the only truth. Love is Who it is I am.

7 & 3 ~ Seven people I admire, and three of their qualities that I am attracted to:

1. Bradley…his “getting” it…! Being a wonderful, knowledgeable teacher. Bradley’s way with words, his gift of relaying Truth.
2. Lisa’s freedom…her constant joy…her LOVE and non-judgement of others…more than three, I know. She’s an amazing teacher of God.
3. Elise…her intelligence, her abilities, her expertise…she’s all I want to be as a manager.
4. Moriah…her beauty, her innocence…her LOVE.
5. Fred…his courage, his tenacity, his fairness, his affection….his love for me…I have never felt so loved by another in my life…sese of humor…respect…God-centeredness.
6. Brianna…her fearlessness, her (hidden… ;) compassion, big heart….her sense-of-humor.
7. Eckart Tolle…his humility, simplistic & clear manner of teaching, his genuineness & kind heart.

There is no-thing my Holiness cannot do.

“Only appreciation is an appropriate response to a brother.” — A Course in Miracles (I love, love, love this…!!!)

Day 11…

WHAT IS YOUR BOTTOM LINE?

WHAT WON’T YOU TOLERATE ANYMORE?

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

Lately…I have been existing screaming out for LOVE — — rather, FEAR!

What will I not tolerate? My motto today has been, “Thank You , GOD!” & boy, has that helped me in with my “divorce”. Feeling more free…. ☺

Remember to laugh…

Whenever you are in fear, just know that you must be following your own plan and have left God out of the picture. That’s why you feel fear.

Smallest frown…sigh of weariness….all ego. Break up with ego!

Hmmmmm, the ego is nothingness in a form I believe is something.

Days 8 — 9 — 10…12…13…14…15  was originally published in Teachers of God (http://teachersofgod.org/)40 Day Program on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

It’s very interesting to observe how frequently I forget to focus on GRATITUDE. At one point in my life, and we are talking about a period of years, I would tap out a gratitude list daily. If I did not do so, I felt as if I had missed brushing my teeth or such….Eeeewwwie. Now, out of the habit, it seems I must be in a lot of discomfort to turn to steeping in gratitude anymore. I’m grateful that, just for today, I may do what works in the NOW. ☺

I have so very much to be grateful for. I was going to do a pictoral but think I’ll save that for the end of this post.

I’m grateful to be free from the hell of my past two jobs; self-inflicted & chosen, yes, I know…but I am free nevertheless. I do not have to sacrifice my integrity, my sanity, for any job today. My Faith carries me through. It’s amazing to witness God’s Grace & Love….as things come together day after day. Very cool. Thank You!!!!

I’m grateful that today I have a home…food, a warm comfy bed, all of my needs met and my comforts, too. I want for nothing.

I’m grateful that due the the graciousness of another human being we have enough money to pay our bills for the month of May…we are abundant! I know that we are going to be okay, no matter what. Life just continues working out that way. God never ceases to amaze me.

I’m grateful to KNOW that beating myself up for past mistakes (they are all in the past, too!) accomplishes nothing but death of spirit, separation from God….the last thing I can afford right now. Whew…..exhaling….releasing…

I’m grateful that I did not retaliate when “let go” of my most recent position. Oh boy, did I want to. Not an email…not a word. It’s not worth it. I may compassionately forgive knowing he did the very best he was capable of doing because that is what was done!!!!!! Letting go of the story…. God was doing for me what I could not do for myself, for sure. Hallelujah!

I’m grateful my last check was not kept from me…it is illegal but not something I would put past him as I had witnessed his doing such to others in my short time with him.

I’m grateful for exciting opportunities…I know I will end up where I am meant to be.

I am grateful for exciting opportunities for my fiance. I know he will end p where he is meant to be.

Grateful to trust that WE WILL END UP WHERE WE ARE MEANT TO BE!

I’m grateful for our pups and their sweet, sweet, therapeutic LOVE.

I’m grateful for my motorcycle and her sweet, sweet therapy, too!

I’m grateful for clarity of mind (free from all drugs & alcohol!!!).

I’m grateful for the strong possibility of a 2nd Skype interview tomorrow afternoon with my top job choice (of what is on my plate at this time).

I’m grateful I do not have to play frantically into the story of where are we going to be…what are we going to be doing….I have confidence all will be as it is meant to be.

I’m grateful for my sweet granddaughter’s good health…she’s beautiful.

I’m grateful my son is married to a lovely young woman.

I’m grateful my daughter is who she is…amazing, gorgeous, and intelligent…almost too fearless. I am so blessed by the relationship we have and her opening up to me (in spurts, but I’ll take it!).

I’m grateful for Freddie. His love….perseverance…faith. He’s only human, as am I, and we both make mistakes, but we move through them. He’s a good man.

I’m grateful for the Arizona experience! It’s been a pretty awesome adventure! I love it here! 2nd only to L.A. now!

I’m grateful I do not have to give my mind power over my attitude. My thoughts are bubbles glisteningly drifting about…I do not have to make them mine. They do not define me even one iota.

I’m grateful for the 40 Day program…& ACIM…as they both enable me to stay grounded in TRUTH!!!! Fook this illusion!!! “I am not a body…I am FREE…I am as GOD create me….”. Mmmmmmm, yep!

Turning to Face The Light was originally published in Gratitude 365 on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I am consumed with the physical & mental contortionist: ANGER. I am painfully twisted up with hostility. I am pissed the hell off! I want to sweep it under the rug with, “this is not real!….I have a choice…..I may choose again! God is everything. Nothing happens by accident” but FOOK all of that right now! I need to move through this with observation and try not to react too very much. I yearn for healing. Bring on the tears!!! I think I did pretty well in not saying anything when I was feeling “attacked” this morning and blatantly told to “fuck off”. I set it all up. I know that. I put the ball in motion long before the outburst. No one is to blame. I need but view my reflection to be reconciled with the problem….and it’s solution (forgiveness, perhaps? ;)

I relocated to Arizona for a job and was let go. Say what? That’s far too kind. I was fired without explanation. I made it so easy. Why? FEAR. I was bound up with FEAR. It had been five months since I opted to leave my previous position and I was running out of money to pay my bills…so I agreed to a “negotiation” that did not benefit me as it did my Arizona employer. I was not thinking clearly…I did not make the decision with Spirit…only ego, and what happened? I screwed myself and my fiance. He moved here weeks later after I started…still can’t find a job, and now we are both unemployed. I’m seething with guilt, shame, and resentment….

How dare Mr. AZ let me go without explanation? ME? HUH? I’m wonderful, marvelous…did he pay attentention to my resume? My extensive experience? My wonderful letters of recommendation? How dare he??? I fit in there! The employees loved me! I did a great job! Ha. I took this event very personal and can so easily shift back into slipping on the garment of “it’s all about me”….oh, how humbling. God, did I really need this lesson in humility????? I guess so. I believed my faith strong and my peace level high…this is all an illusion after all…the never ending saga of learning. I should be excited about it, no? Ugh. No. Not in this moment!

So…we relocated 2500 miles…we’re both wrought with tension…I’m practicing my spiritual stuff daily but it’s as if it is going in one ear & out the other…nothing is adhering…yada yada. Waaaaaa! I have to laugh.

My fiance is much older than I which is of no consequence except that I will be employed about 20 years longer than him….soooooooo….we decided to follow my career path…allow me to not settle and seek the next level of my position nationwide as my parents are both deceased, my kids, well, kids, only wanting me when they want me (I was tired of the pain of waiting for them to come to me…every day!) If I were to stay local, well, I would have had to be adaptive for a position I may be over-qualified for, or just something that is not “the” fit. All of that being said….now that we are both open nationally once again…it looks like his best opportunity may be in Raleigh, NC. So…we may be returning to NC. It’s not that I don’t want to per say (my babies are there!!!)…though I absolutely love the West…it’s just that there are no positions there for me (today). I know we will end up where we are meant to be…doing what we are meant to be doing but why can’t that be where I think I want to be???? Ha. I know….!!!! I know…….!!!

I am so caught up in this story…it disgusts me (more anger!). My biggest opportunities right now are in L.A., CA…and here, Phoenix. California is HOME to me in many ways and is where I would really love to be (it is not so much up to me!) I had three amazing interviews on Monday (best fit, according to Mo, Moi, is L.A. job). However, as we are out of time I have made the decision to follow my fiance as his being out of work…well, it’s ALL been a big test for our relationship….more exercises for spiritual growth! YaY???? I feel a lot of that BS guilt too for his situation….though he states that he doesn't blame me and takes responsibility, he has chosen some hurtful, accusatory words here and there over the past month.

All this being said my anger stems from: feeling pushed to make a decision…putting myself 2nd (again) for a man…giving this tale my power….not trusting God….allowing angst & anxiety to consume me….his behavior these past weeks….my behavior these past weeks (I feel as if we do not like each other right now…it’s heart wrenching)…shame of being fired…shame of setting it up for myself to be used so easily (never had I imagined all this turning out as it did…makes no sense that someone could be like that to me…yes I can be too trusting and naive…I replaced a male and a male replaced me, pretty sure he set it up to use me until he found what he wanted…no explanations what-so-ever)….guilt of putting my fiance through all of this….moving through the job search again…trying to do the right thing with my GSO employer & once again screwing myself(that was an experience in and of itself to be sure!!!!), the possibility of physically moving again…oh my. Yuck. I am full of self-pity and that annoys me too. I have no patience for that…it repulses me. I’m tired. Run down. Wore out…and it’s all in my noggin. Ugh. Lol.

So. Now that I spewed all of this venom out I am feeling much more clear.

I am ready to give all of this up. It is toxic.

I am willing to let go.

I yearn to return to peace…let go of trying to control.

&….so…..it…..IS. In this moment anyhow… ;) More will be revealed.

Turning to face the Light.

Fuming… was originally published in Teachers of God (http://teachersofgod.org/)40 Day Program on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

(My grievences…..)Lisa: THESE ARE THE STORIES THAT ARE ACTIVE IN YOUR VIBRATION. THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE.

Today’s Practice: BE AWARE OF THE STORIES YOU’VE BEEN TELLING.

LOOK AT YOUR LIST. That’s all. JUST BE AWARE. And realize that you can choose NEW stories that are TRUE from now on. You have a choice about what thoughts pass through your mind and you have a choice what words pass by your lips and out your mouth. (whew!)

This is what it means that ALL POWER HAS BEEN GIVEN TO YOU ON EARTH AND HEAVEN. :-) (HOLLA!!!!)

My Story: There is only one Truth. This Truth is Love. When I fail to live in my Truth….I am aligned with ego. When I am aligned with ego I will not experience joy…if I do, it is very fleeting and empty…and then I begin to SEEK again…searching to find my Truth which cannot be found as it IS ever-present…I am simply choosing to look past it. I decided differently. I am grateful that I may always choose again…leaving my past behind me and my future before me…staying present in the NOW…in the Love.

Day Six…I will be tempted by fears or riches & glories. Move beyond all temptations. I am most certainly being tempted by FEARS. I feel corrosive and ugly. I feel angry and unloving….this is not me, and yet, I am giving it my power.

How long can I stay centered in God, in Love?

Just typing that…I am returned to peace.

My “I think I know” or “I know” are great separators…. Dear God, Please enable me to have an open mind for a new experience. Please enable me to set aside everything that I think I know about YOU & everything and allow me to have an open mind for a new experience. Thank you, God.

I am always supported by the Love of God.

I am only here as a conduit of LOVE. Let it be…let it be…

Everything that happens is an absolute gift even when it looks “bad”. No judgement…simply rejoicing in LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!

Sweet Release was originally published in Teachers of God (http://teachersofgod.org/)40 Day Program on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.