“Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end you will succeed.” — Abraham Lincoln

The true story of Maria Da Conceicao is inspiring, and a reminder of the necessary grit life requires of us all. Born in Portugal, little Maria was two-years-old when her birth mother grew ill. Her father was not in the picture, but thankfully, a widowed African immigrant and mother-of-six, named Maria Cristina Matos, agreed to look after little Maria for a short time — until little Maria’s mother got well. Tragically, little Maria’s mother never recovered, and suddenly, the migrant house cleaner was forced to make a decision whether to take in little Maria as her own. Maria Cristina Matos already had six children and was paid only meager wages. She later recalled, to little Maria, that she could not allow the unthinkable — abandoning a child — and so her mantra became, “if I can feed six, I can feed seven.”

Little Maria Conceicao learned a spirit of hard work and discipline from her adopted mother. From childhood, little Maria and her six siblings took paying jobs cleaning homes, together sharing the responsibility to put food on the family table. At the age of 15, little Maria’s work ethic stood out, and she was able to get a privileged job cleaning hotel rooms. Providentially, one of the visitors of the hotel, took notice of Maria’s passionate determination, and offered her a job as a flight attendant with Emirates Airline. Though the family had struggled for years to put food on the table, seemingly in-an-instant, little Maria’s new salary would supply the entirety of her family’s needs. It would also mean she could leave her humble dwellings, and travel the world. The irony never escaped little Maria, and she often laughed that after 15 years of hunger, the most difficult part of her new job was asking her passengers the question, “chicken or beef?”

In 2005, a grown Maria worked a flight to Dhaka, Bangladesh, which included a 24-hour layover. Staying in a hotel — like the ones she once cleaned — Maria ventured on to the streets, and stumbled upon impoverished slums. She saw children with distended stomachs from hunger, and the stark reality haunted her soul. Having experienced the devastation of poverty herself, Maria was tempted to discouragement. What could she do? After all, most of her salary was already being sent to her family in Portugal. Still, she’d learned from experience, her discouragement was momentary, and if it was seized by the neck, and thrust out, a creative plan of positive action would take it’s place. That is what she did, and immediately, her desire led her towards a plan to help.

Maria cancelled her next holiday, and instead flew back to Dhaka to serve for two weeks, feeding the hungry and helping to teach the children how to read. Maria’s job was based in Dubai, and the economy was booming. With each trip back to Dubai, Maria boldly asked wealthy customers and acquaintances to donate more money for the children. She promised she would spend all of the money on the children of Dhaka, and proved it by donating the rest of her own salary. Soon, she had enough money to start a school for three of the children. The school, which she named after her adopted mom, provided education and food for three, but every time Maria returned to Dhaka, there were more children begging to be part of the blessing.

Maria decided she could not turn them away; and she made new plans to expand the school. Inspired by her adopted Mom, her new motto became, “if I can feed three, I can feed six-hundred.” So she set out to raise the money for 600 children. At first her plan to pay-it-forward was successful. But then the recession hit, and Maria’s donations disappeared almost overnight. Maria was tempted to devastation. How would she feed 600 children now? But again, her experience with discouragement taught her to take it by the neck and throw it out! So she did, and then, she channeled her sadness into a plan. Maria did what all brilliant people do, she went to the computer and Googled “how to make a lot of money fast!”

Google returned a search result suggesting the best way to raise money was to become the first Portuguese woman to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, in Africa (5895 meters). That made sense, so Maria found an instructor on Google, and he told her she could do it, but it would take three-years-of-training. Maria refused the instructor’s timeline because she knew the children could not wait. She insisted he train her in less than one year’s time. The instructor did his part, and after only one year, in 2010, Maria summited Mount Kilimanjaro! Momentarily, Maria had additional funds to sponsor more children, but she did not yet have enough publicity to reach her goal of feeding and educating all 600 children.

Determined, Maria returned to Google for the fastest way to make money. This time the search returned a link suggesting she could be the first woman to run a marathon on each of the seven emirates in the UAE in seven days, and complete a successful trek to the North Pole. Again, Maria searched Google and found a trainer. The trainer said it would take years to train a non-runner, but Maria insisted he would do it in less than one year’s time. The trainer did his part, and in 2011, Maria succeeded as the first Portuguese person to run a marathon on each of the seven emirates, and trek the North Pole in a calendar year.

The publicity she gained translated to more sponsors for her children, but she was still hundreds-of-children shy of her goal, so, you guessed it, she returned to Google. This time the search results said if she climbed Mount Everest she could raise the money (yes, you read that right, Mount Everest). Well, by now you know the pattern, she found a guide who told her she could do it, but it would take five years to build the internal fortitude and physical strength. But, you guessed it, Maria insisted she could only give one year’s time.

Ultimately, the guide wrangled her into devoting two years to preparation, and in 2013, Maria Conceicao became the first Portuguese woman to summit Mount Everest (8,848 meters), after training with her guide by climbing Mount Elbrus (5,642 meters) and Mount Aconcaguo (6,960 meters) in 2012–13. She was awarded three world records, and received scores of publicity. But sadly, the recession was still in full-swing and Maria was unable to drum up enough sponsorship for all her children in Dhaka. Anyone else would give up, but Maria was no stranger to defeat, and she was no prisoner to discouragement. Maria determined not to lose hope and, by now you’ve caught the pattern, she went back to Google!

This time the interweb told her she could be the first Portuguese woman to swim the English Channel. There was just one problem. You guessed it. Maria did not know how to swim! The solution? Yes, she found an instructor on Google. The recreational swimming coach taught her to swim in one year, but admitted up-front that he could not, nor could most professional swimmers, build up the lung capacity, endurance and strength to fight the channel’s currents. The 21-mile journey often spun swimmers around or dragged them off course by hours, and in either case, made it notoriously difficult to accomplish the feat. Maria insisted and she learned to swim quite well. After more than 15-hours of swimming the English channel, Maria was riddled with jelly fish stings, completely turned around directionally, and badly needed to be rescued by her trailing boat.

Undaunted in the slightest, Maria regrouped and returned to Google. In 2014, Maria gathered publicity and sponsorships, running seven ultra-marathons on seven continents in six-weeks, then seven ultra-marathons in seven days, and finishing the year running seven marathons on seven continents in 11 days. At the end of 2014 Maria held Six Guinness World Records, and her foundation — named after her adopted mother www.mariacristinafoundation.org—donated every dollar directly to the children without administrative cost (which Maria paid out of her own salary). Still remarbably, even by early 2018, Maria was $300,000 dollar shy of the money necessary to feed and educate all 600 children; that is, until she shared her story at the John Maxwell Leadership Summit.

On Tuesday February 20, 2018, some 10-years after Maria Conceicao began her dream of feeding Dhaka’s poorest-of-the-poor, I sat with 5,000 would-be John Maxwell coaches training to receive our certification in the ballroom of The Orlando World Center Marriott. John Maxwell taught us how our passions help us overcome our discouragements, and he invited Maria up to tell her story as an illustration. When Maria finished, John put his arm around her and vowed to raise the remaining $300,000 dollars on her behalf. Spontaneously, one man came down the isle as John spoke, and the man placed a handful of green money on the stage at the feet of John and Maria. John looked down reflexively, and remarked, “what’s this? Is this a donation to Maria?” He tried to continued on, but with every word a new person began walking down the isle, at first a trickle, and then a flood. Maria’s hands covered her mouth in holy wonder, and tears began to flow from John’s eyes. One, and then another, brought their money to the stage, until the enormous ballroom was a traffic jam of donors.

John wiped the tears from his eyes, and cleared the frog from his throat, asking his staff to jump into action. “Please find something to put this in. I’ve never seen anything like this. Please, I want to make sure Maria has every dollar.” John, Maria and the ballroom watched in awe as the staff found hats, tote bags, backpacks, and anything else they could find, to collect the unstoppable generosity of this sacred moment. After 10-years of overcoming one-obstacle-after-the-other, Maria Conceicao, was seeing the momentum of hope she’d created by her unwillingness to be discouraged. Now, the river of her unshakeable dreams was rolling down hill, and before the day was done over $150,000 dollars had been raised by a small army of coaches. John promised to personally raise the remaining funds or give the outstanding amount himself. And he did. Maria’s foundation continues feeding 600 children to the present day.

The antidote for discouragement is a clear picture of what you want, followed by persistent grit, and a commitment to continuous forward movement — even in the face of multiple obstacles. Maria’s story can encourage you, but don’t stop there. Be clear about what you want, then get started formulating your plan. Here’s a simple step-by-step for planning:

1. Fix your mind on what you desire. Be definite and go into detail about the specifics of the dream you have for yourself and/or others.
2. Determine exactly what you intend to give in return for your dream. There is no such reality as ‘something for nothing’.
3. Write out a definite plan for carrying out your desire/dream. Then begin at once, whether you are ready or not, to put this plan into action. It will also help if you tell someone, who you trust. This will ensure you have support when you feel discouraged.
4. Read your written plan aloud, twice daily, once just before retiring at night, and once after arising in the morning. As you read, encourage yourself with the actions you took, that day, towards your plan. Remind yourself that dreams take time to develop into reality. Remind yourself that obstacles, failures and discouragements are temporary; and they can be thrown out by constant forward progress.

How great is your desire for the goal you are striving towards? Are you determined to climb Mount Everest in exchange? You must be. And to be sure, you will need guides, trainers, instructors and coaches to help you build endurance and perseverance. Ask for help often, and return to your plan whenever you face the temptation of discouragement.

“Dreams are free, but the journey isn’t. When you find your why, you’ll find your way.” — John Maxwell

Let no feeling of discouragement prey upon you, and in the end, you will succeed.

Next time we’ll talk about the sixth commandment of a healthy mindset : Do Not Complain.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? — Jesus

You’ve heard the story of the young college student who returned home after her first year in college. Her parents greeted her at the door with open arms and inquired about her academic accomplishments. Immediately, a tear came to her eye, and their hearts sank as they stood together in the entrance of her childhood home.

The daughter explained to her parents that she had fallen in love with her much older college professor and they’d run away together after only a few weeks of classes. The good news was he was a practicing doctor, and she was well cared for, but the bad news was she had gotten pregnant and had a child. The parent’s eyes widened with each new revelation, their old reality shattering beneath them.

The daughter continued.

Not only had the daughter bore a child, but the child had also been diagnosed with a rare disease requiring major surgeries and the daughter had incurred massive debts. Though she was able to get a discount for the medical procedures because she was living with the doctor, unfortunately, she had spent her parent’s entire college fund to save her child. Sadly, though her baby held on for several weeks, the doctors were unable to save the child. The daughter then shared the most devastating news that shortly after the child passed, the doctor left her for another woman and took her car as collateral for unpaid rent. In despair, she’d become addicted to drugs and would need thousands of dollars of rehab.

Her parents stood in stunned silence. They looked at each other bewildered about what to say or do. The daughter barely lifted her head. “I’m sorry,” came the words from the young woman to her parents,“I know I’ve let you down.” Sadness hung in the air as they too hung their heads.

Then, the daughter lifted her voice one more time, and clearing her throat she addressed her parents, “Mom… Dad… I actually made all that up.” In an instant her parent’s stunned silence turned to shock. They were furious. “Why would you tell us such lies?!” becried her mother. “How could you make us feel so horrible?! bemoaned her father. The daughter seemed unfazed and shook her head knowingly.

“I know… I know it was wrong. The truth is I don’t need rehab because I’m not addicted to drugs. My car wasn’t taken for collateral, it’s parked in the driveway. I never got pregnant or lost the child, and your college funds are still safe and being used wisely because I attended two full semesters of classes and I’ll have sophomore status next year. Furthermore, I didn’t fall in love with my college professor and run away with anyone. But… though I passed all my classes… I did get a D+ in freshman Biology and a D- in Microeconomics and the reason I lied about the other stuff is because I needed you to keep things in perspective.”

Worry distorts our perspective. It whispers lies, and attempts to convince us we cannot choose positive emotions in the face of difficult circumstances. Worry is defeated when we choose a healthy mindset regardless of situational difficulties.

The brilliance of the young college student painting a picture (for her parents) of the worst case scenario, is an exercise in healthy perspective. Every failure can be a win when considered as an experience that did not lead to the horrifying nightmare of some worse circumstance. Like the parents, we must learn to adjust our emotional reaction from catastrophe to creative calm in the face of our anxieties. Everything is going to be okay.

Worry is our mind’s tendency to dwell on difficulties or troubles. We become consumed with the possibility of negative future outcomes, and obsess about undesirable past mistakes. Worry clouds our minds with cyclical pessimistic thinking, which in turn stymies our imaginations in a dreadful feedback loop. If unchecked, it renders us unable to move forward, create, hope, and simply enjoy life. Our anxiety is not subtle, in fact, it is the loudest threat to a healthy mindset. The good news? Worry is the most obvious command to identify and master. Let’s give the exercise a shot.

What are you worried about right now? Got your answer?

1. Speak to your worry. “I see your concerns.”
2. Shrink your worry with wit. “Is that all you got? I can paint a picture far worse.” Now, let’s get creative. Whatever you’re dreading, create a story that is much worse than even that outcome. Make your creative worst case scenario as ridiculous as possible. Though it will never happen, laugh about the details you imagine.
3. Now, settle your mind by breathing. Practice the mindfulness technique below.

Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one’s attention to experiences occurring in the present moment, which can be developed through the practice of meditation and other training. If you are currently worried — and even if you’re not — stop for a moment, and take time to experience the present moment you’re in.

1. Take five deep breaths in your nose, and then, out of your mouth
2. Close your eyes now, and wherever you are, listen for five distinct sounds
3. Once identified, open your eyes and pick five points of focus in the room, then take a few moments to stare at each area
4. Finally, feel five places where your body is currently making contact with itself, the floor, the chair etc.
5. Take five more deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth

The therapy of mindfulness is a powerful tool for bringing each of us back into “the now.”

Now, when you are present, remember, problems take time to solve. Start with one small step. Choose one thing you can do to chip away at your troubles. Be patient with yourself and just take the next step. Whenever you worry, gently practice either of these techniques until you’re feeling better.

Next week, we’ll look at the Fifth Commandment of a Healthy Mindset: Do Not Be Discouraged.

Forget Everything And Run. — F.E.A.R.

Perfect love consumes all fear. -1 John 4:18

The story is told of a man out-to-sea whose boat springs a leak and sinks. The non-religious man treads water for hours and becomes desperate. For the first time in his life, he calls out to God, “God if you’re real please help me.” Minutes later a kayaker paddles towards the man. “Do you need help?” asks the kayaker. The man replies “yes, but God has not sent me any.” The kayaker shrugs his shoulders and paddles off.

Again, the man cries out to God even more urgently, “God if you’re real please help me!” Just then an ocean liner blows it’s horn, and a passenger shouts from the deck, “do you need help good sir?!” The exhausted man responds with what little energy he has remaining, “yes, but God has not sent me any!” The passenger on the boat shrugs, goes back to his cocktail party on the deck, and the cruise ship floats away.

Now the day has turned towards night and the man has little hope his remaining energy will endure through the darkness. One last time he prays, “God if you’re real please help me…” As if on cue, a distant noise draws closer-and-closer and the man sees a search helicopter is making its way towards him. The flood lights from the copter shine down, squarely on him, and a voice from the megaphone says, “sir, do you need help?” The now breathless man lifts his voice above the racket one last time, “yes, but God has not sent me any!” The pilot shrugs his shoulders and the chopper flies away.

Sadly, soon thereafter, the man drowns and finds himself in eternity. When the man realizes he has died and gone to heaven, he approaches God. “God, why didn’t you save me from drowning when I asked you for help three times?” God answers lovingly, “My child, I sent you a kayak, an ocean liner and a helicopter… did you not see my help?”

The story of a drowning man, who misses the physical proof of God’s answer to prayer, is telling. Life cracks holes in us that cannot be plugged, threatening to drown us. Fear — if it is anything — is rational when we are sinking underneath the waves of our problems. We are afraid — and for good reason — because we are drowning in a sea of ever-increasing challenges ranging from poverty to death. And though not all of us resort to prayer, many-a-person’s instinct to call out for help unseen, reveals a surprising remedy to what ails us.

There are said to be 6 “ghosts of fear”; umbrellas under which all fear exists.

1. The Fear of Poverty
2. The Fear of Criticism (and/or Failure)
3. The Fear of Ill-Health
4. The Fear of Losing Love
5. The Fear of Old Age
6. The Fear of Death

Everyone has wrestled with the crippling impact of at least one of these fears (if not eventually all of them). In fact, this writer advises you to prep yourself, as some reading this now will sense the effects of their fear simply because it is being called out. Rest assured, I will not leave you without a practical help in rescue from such ghosts. Fear plays a powerful role in the psyche of human-beings, but it can be cast-off with definite effort and application of it’s antidote.

When fear consumes us, it crushes our most sacred desires. We dread the whisper of doubts building in our unconscious. Surely we are fools for believing ourselves capable of mastering our minds. Suddenly we find ourselves rationalizing our negativity as “being realistic,” we must not be who we thought we were — capable of riches, peaceful souls, healthy bodies, steadfast love, youthfulness and life-everlasting. We begin to scoff at the suggestion of an inner-world where our spirit is free from anxiety, restlessness, and mental exhaustion. Increasingly, we carry fear with us, spreading anxiety to our friends, our co-workers, our kids, and our beloved.

Simply speak and you will discover your unconscious fighting the fear you indulge most.

“I need to build my savings” or “I can’t deal with people,” or “I’m sick of feeling sick,” or “I’m so alone,” or “I must be getting old,” and of course, “I feel like I’m going to die.” Even those reading now who deny their fears will find nuances of these echoes of projection in their self-talk. Most fear remains perpetually active because we ignore its effects or intentionally medicate its symptoms. Either way we are not addressing the root of the problem with a permanent antidote. Instead, we cope, work harder, take new pills, nurture addictions, zone out on the device of our soothing, and discipline ourselves to manage longer lists of “to-dos” we don’t want to-do.

Now stay with me because we are going to get to the remedy for fear, but before we do we’ll need to look at some slightly confusing science.

Psychologists and Psychiatrists call ‘translogical thinking’ a form of discussion allowing the practitioner to hold two completely divergent ideas together without resolving their inherent tension. In fact, the current ideological culture of our lives is riddled with a constant barrage of extreme contrasts — left and right, privacy and transparency, technology and unplugging. Science tells us the ability to hold opposing forces together — without an obsession to resolve their apparent tension — is actually an expression of a healthy mindset. When we balance two seemingly contradictory ideas, without diminishing or lionizing either one, we practice patience and over time, we discover our paramount strength to thrive within extremes. However polarized we may feel by an idea, a feeling or a contrasting worldview, we become healthy when we can wade through this tension without running from our fear. In the mindset of translogical thinking, instead of fight or flight, we embrace fear as an integral part of learning something new. We recognize our fear as an opportunity to grow more loving and we prioritize relationship above resolving contradiction.

Ah you say, so love is the solution for our fears?! Actually no.

Stay with me because this is not the remedy I am suggesting. Love is the counterpoint & extreme opposite of fear, which means it cannot be the solution to our ghosts anymore than transparency solves our inherent instinct for privacy. Love may consume fear for a while, but the swing back towards fear is inevitable if we are relying only on its feeling. It is too simple to say that love alone will permanently subdue our fears. After all I can feel all the love in the world, but if I am actually drowning that feeling will not save me. Only a person, a relationship, a kayaker, a captain and/or a pilot will pull me up above the waves.

So let me tie the science together now. Translogical thinking is a new (or rediscovered) way of thinking that holds fear and love together without resolving their life-long interplay in our psyches and revealing the truth we already know — a pat answer, a pill and good vibes aren’t enough to transcend our predicament. Like the drowning man who calls out for help, extremes reveal our need for help amidst the powerful tension — a personal albeit invisible help.

I realize only a meddler or a devil’s-advocate would argue against the importance of friends. However, the suggestion of an imaginary invisible friend who is always available to us in the midst of a storm is arguably difficult to believe— depending on your comfort with the spiritual laws of the universe. I cannot overcome your objections in the limited space provided here, but sufficed to say, just as energy exists before it is codified as matter, we are spiritual beings with physical bodies. If we choose, we can explore and nurture the Invisible Hand of energy offering us a very real and rescuing relationship. And if we learn to harness the presence of this relationship our fears are consumed.

1. Poverty? Do not fear, I will make you rich in love.
2. Criticism? Do not fear, I will not condemn you.
3. Ill-Health? Do not fear, I will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
4. Lost-love? Do not be afraid, I will heal your broken heart.
5. Old-Age? Do not be afraid, I will renew your youth like an eagles.
6. Death? Do not be afraid, I will prepare a place for you.

A healthy mindset does not solve our fear with a feeling of love, it steadies us to trust the Person of Love. To see this Invisible Love we are being asked to do something very difficult — to learn to think paradoxically. It is our very need for freedom from fear and our positive experiences with love which illuminate the power of Perfect Love. Then, when we feel fear we can seize the opportunity, to call out for our protector.

What remedies our ghosts of fear? A ‘holy’ Ghost — if you will — who consumes all fear and offers friendship in its place.

Undoubtedly not everyone will be persuaded, so let’s move to an experience of this mindset, which can benefit everyone regardless. Stop reading for a moment and take a deep slow breath. Enjoy the sensation of invisible oxygen filling your lungs. Exhale and Inhale again. Every breath is satisfying and soothing, filling your mind and body with the invisible energy your cells need to think and live. If you struggle with fearful thoughts about money, failure, self-criticism, sickness, heartache, the future, the past or the hereafter try this exercise with me. Breath in deeply, and as you do let your mind speak internally these words, “God, if you’re real please help me.” Then as you slowly exhale, “God, I give You my fears.” Take 5 minutes now to breath and repeat. You may find it helpful as you exhale to name your fear i.e. “God, I give you my fear of/about…” Do this as often as you need to throughout the day. Many will experience immediate relief from their fear after just 5 minutes of breathing and praying. The most powerful benefits though are for those who continue this exercise in the midst of any extreme circumstance/thought/pressure/fear. As you practice this healthy mindset you will begin to sense you are cared for by an Unseen Help. You are not alone.

Next time we’ll look at the 4th Commandment of a Healthy Mindset: Do Not Worry.

“One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real.” — Klaus Kinski

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. — Jesus

The court room anecdote is told by British author Charlie Walker, about the articulate and poised elderly witness giving sworn testimony for trial. The grandmother type, was asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. She responded enthusiastically, “If the whole truth is what you want, the whole truth is what I’ll give you!”

The prosecuting attorney smiled and approached. “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams,…” The attorney began to utter his next question, but the fiery granny continued, “…and I’ve known you since you were a young boy. Frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me! You think you’re a rising big shot but you lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you quite well and that’s the whole truth!”

The lawyer was stunned and slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge’s and jurors’ faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” The defense attorney’s eyes widened as Mrs. Jones answered enthusiastically. “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a twinkle in his father’s eye. His law practice is one of the worst in the entire state because he’s lazy, immoral, and has a bad drinking problem. The man can’t build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and he’s cheated on his wife with two different women. Yes, I know him and that is the whole truth!”

Laughter, mixed with gasps, reverberated throughout the court room and the judge slammed his gavel three times calling for “order in the courtroom!” The judge then called both lawyers to the bench, and motioned them forwards in private counsel. With fire in his eyes & and a frightened urgency under his breath, the judge instructed them in a pointed whisper. “Listen clearly. If either of you dares to ask if she knows me… I will hold you in contempt.”

—

The parable of a small southern court room serves as a humorous tale of judgement. Who among us is fit to judge when the whole truth about us is damning as well? If we measure other people in comparison to ourselves, we cast a stone only to have it boomerang and blister our own skin. Only he who is without sin can cast the first stone, and yet — in this day and age — it is so rare to experience the comforting sound of rocks dropping softly on the ground. We are a society in free fall judgmentalism, blinded to our own self-righteousness and hypocrisy. The result is stupidity. Ironically, our judgment of others makes us dumb. Despite living in ‘The Information Age,’ when we pull out our jump-to-conclusion-mats, we are destined to be ignorant. Let me explain.

In 2018, mental health is more proactively discussed and more decidedly lacking than at any other time in our lives. Our internal way of thinking is unchecked, untrained & unchallenged by external viewpoints that oppose our own. The results are obvious, though not always self-evident : we are myopic and determined to prove ‘our right’ to stay that way. We lament the disintegration of common ground, while contradictorily burning bridges with those with whom we disagree. Conversations descend into toxic wars of words and we demonize others for their ideas because we no longer know how to value people above perspective. This viscous cycle rears it’s ugly head to divide, bully, pressure, conform, and tear down cross-idealogical discussion. Condemnation is the norm, punishment of ‘the other’ is a new sport, and the inevitable consequences of our virtue-signaling and identifying others’ small mindedness, bigotry, -isms, and politics-as-usual, masks a sinister arrogance. We see ourselves separate from the judgement we cast, and we are oblivious to the devastating effects of our sanctimonious ignorance. Our minds are shackled by the same pious narrow perspectives we accuse others of cherishing. Everywhere we have become religiously egotistical, sure of our holier-than-thou outlook. When a culture’s standard bearers of healthy thought — universities, families & journalism — abandon balance, we watch helplessly as things fall apart around us. However, rarely do we see ourselves as complicit in the disintegration. Because we have not learned to measure ourselves in the same light as our ‘enemies,’ we enslave ourselves to insanity and fail to imagine, and then build, a better world.

Before we go too far, it must be clarified that not all judgment is bad. Judgment is a double-edged sword. One edge is a trained judgement called discipline that is very good. Discipline is our ability to cultivate observation of others in order to avoid the negative consequences of their damaging behaviors. Pattern awareness is a discipline empowering us to protect ourselves from unhealthy relationships, destructive thoughts, addictive substances, and any cyclical actions with undesirable outcomes. Similarly, if we observe positive consequences for recurring behaviors (i.e. wise habits), we can discipline our lives to include desirable actions for successful outcomes. This good judgment rewards our proactive habits and keeps us from self-harm because we have chosen our thoughts and set boundaries with undisciplined people, while allowing them to make their own decisions.

The second edge of judgment, however, is a self-destructive result of untrained thinking and we’ll call it punishment. Punishment is meant to be corrective retribution for an offense done against us. However, unless our “justice” mindset is trained, balanced and disciplined to nurture 360-degree perspective, we fail to assign the second-edge to the law and instead become self-proclaimed legal experts. Our minds then, conflate “justice” with judgmentalism and pervert the legal process of discovery, which actually prevents unjust judgment. Rather than observing patterns in others to discern benefits & disciplines for ourselves privately, we label (and libel) people “good” or “bad” to punish their ideology because we believe ours superior. We make ourselves “the judge” and act as the standard bearer of what is the right and wrong way to think. In so doing, we close ourselves to new ideas and shrink our worldview. We judge ourselves by our intentions, despite our hypocritical actions, but we call for punishment of other’s actions without thoughtful consideration of their intentions. We desperately need a mindset-shift or we will continue to revert to the primitive solutions of historical despotism— restricting freedoms of speech, thought and individual rights.

If there is one absolute truth shared by all humanity it is the empirical evidence of our blindness.

The famous story illustrating the foolishness of judgment, and our desperate need for a mindset shift is told in Stephen Covey’s classic “7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” A passenger riding the subway in New York one Sunday morning is sitting quietly lost in thought. The early hour brings with it fewer travelers, some reading their papers, others simply enjoying the calm, peaceful hum gliding along the tracks. Then suddenly, a man and his children enter the subway car. The children are so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changes.

The father sits down next to the passenger and closes his eyes, apparently oblivious to his children’s ill manners. The children are yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s newspapers. It is very disturbing. And yet, the father does nothing. It is difficult not to feel the build up of irritation among the subway riders. The passenger can not believe that the father is so insensitive as to let his children run wild like this and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all! It is easy to see everyone else on the subway feels irritated too. So finally, after what feels like unusual patience and restraint, the passenger turns to the father and says, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The father lifts his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and his voice breaks, “Oh, yes, I’m sorry, you’re right. I… I guess I should do something about it. I… I’ve been a little distracted, we just came from the hospital… their mother passed an hour ago. I… I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Covey writes that the passenger is instantly shifted from judgment to compassion. Seeing things through the father’s eyes compels the passenger to think differently, feel differently, and behave differently. Irritation vanishes in the reality of the family’s pain. Instead, feelings of sympathy and compassion flow freely and the passenger’s untrained judgement is transformed by a larger awareness of life’s complexity. “Please forgive me. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife.”

So how can we intentionally shift our minds and rebuild our mental health?

1. Practice observation instead of judgment. Describe the pattern you see and avoid ascribing motive to the person.
2. Before pulling out your jump-to-conclusion-mat, ask “are my observations protecting me from physical danger or are they setting me up to punish someone else for thinking differently from me?”
3. Respectfully and openly engage with people whose views are different from your own. If the observations you’ve made aren’t about self-protection, seek to actively (and accurately) understand others.

When we refuse to punish others in our minds, we grow smarter from new understanding. We train our brains in creative compassion for others and we consider opportunities, thinking-patterns, and relationships which enrich our lives.

Next time we’ll talk about the third commandment of a healthy mindset : Do Not Be Afraid.

Pride goes before destruction. - Proverbs 16:18

“When you’re looking out for number one, don’t step in number two.” - Rodney Dangerfield

Morocco, 2001

I still remember like it was yesterday. 80-degree temperatures, spring-break vacation, the twelve o’clock sun warming the Moroccan shoreline, without a cloud in the sky. After a rigorous half-semester abroad in Europe my group of friends set out for an adventure off the coast of Africa, and now serendipity had put a pair of cute German girls in our path — what a life.

It happened accidentally. I just wanted some time to swim alone & relish this gift of rest with gratitude. Staring up in wonder, I didn’t realize my dead man’s float had pulled me away from the shoreline. What was the shrill noise coming from the beach? I was a trained lifeguard in the States; the natives surely weren’t waving at me?

The beach was filled with swimmers, called in by the lifeguards, and I moved from a float to treading water to see what was going on. Looking to my left, an older Russian man was treading water anxiously. Was this why everyone was pointing towards us? He was a portly fellow I had entered the water around the same time as, with a thick accent and “speedo courage,” you know the one, only now, his courage wasn’t recovering as quickly because each new cycle of waves was pulling him under. I knew I could make it to shore but this Ruski needed my help, right? “I got this” I said to myself as I swam towards him.

—
In cultures all over the world the proverb “pride goes before destruction” is embraced as self-evident wisdom. It’s universally true… or is it?

From the time we are old enough to remember, we encounter proud people who are also incredibly successful. Far from self-destruction, these folks flourish never facing consequences for their attitudes — even when they cause destruction. You’ve been around them, right? The arrogant boss who lords authority over you, a popular acquaintance who dictates who’s-in-and-who’s-out, a facebook friend whose profile boasts of their extravagant life & the famous people they know, or a business partner whose success is unmatched despite their meglomania. We observe pride everyday, everywhere succeeding. The most-liked, most-watched, most-clicked are promoted and overtly empowered by their “me first” lifestyle. We see their significant achievements, financial success and other’s praises, and anxiously strain to keep pace because the rules have changed. Things are different now and so we adapt to the necessity of pride. Is it possible that as cultures we’ve progressed beyond the old proverb?

—

So there I was swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, attempting to rescue a Speedo wearing Russian tourist. The riptide had pulled both of us within 20 yards of the rocky crag and I told ‘Boris’ not to panic. Good plan. Immediately, he latched onto me like an octupus, pushing me under the waves. Rolling underwater inside the tunnel of surf, I realized I’d made a serious mistake. This was not how I’d pictured my death. I was going to drown or be bashed against the promontory, while my friends flirted with cute German girls oblivious to my demise. Like a movie, my life flashed before my eyes, “what a waste? I haven’t done anything special yet. God forgive me.”

It felt like an eternity passed.

Suddenly my lungs filled with air as my body shot to the surface. A native lifeguard was extending me a red rescue tube and I’d survived — for the moment — with a buoy to help me ride-the-tide between crashing waves. After a second or two of relishing deep breaths of air, I swam towards my speedo-ed friend again thinking “now I can really help because I have this tube!” The native screamed— and though I did not understand a word — it was clear he was telling me my ‘saving days’ were done. We were 10 yards from the rocky crag and he was not interested in helping the Russian… at all. After a half-hour of aggressive free-style, we were 20 yards from the cape and my feet were able to touch bottom again.

I stumbled to shore with the remaining strength I had going to appearances — pretending I was not exhausted for the 100+ tourists who’d gathered to see me drown. Luckily they were no longer fascinated with me, instead they were watching another native lifeguard brace himself between Boris and the cape, expertly managing to use his rescue tube to haul the portly fellow ashore and perform CPR. I watched through the crowd as the lifeguards brought Boris back to life. He gasped for air, flailing like a beached-whale, liberally exchanging seawater for fresh oxygen. I was only a spectator now, yards from the hubbub around a drowning tourist and his saviors thinking “that was almost me.”

For me, what happened in Morocco became the metaphor of understanding the meaning of the old proverb and taking to heart the paradox of pride. Let me see if I can explain.

Everyone has pride. It is first and foremost self-measurement, a sense of what we are (and are not) capable of. This self-awareness is transmuted as confidence or timidity. We feel either empowered or deflated to meet the need-at-hand. Needs present themselves constantly, and all of us have one reaction or another in addressing them. A clogged toilet presents two distinct reactions; common place “let’s fix it” or a distressing feeling of “call someone fast.” The same continuum of responses occurs with every need from using computer programs, to filing taxes, from paying bills, to carrying out our job responsibilities; we measure ourselves then decide if we are up to the task.

The trouble with pride is that we are terrible self-measurers. We swing to extremes in our self-assessment, either thinking too much of ourselves as overly capable or thinking too little of ourselves as completely incapable. But, either extreme is pride leading us towards destruction. Not usually destruction of our physical lives, but rather, of our true identity. The old proverb is pointing us to a deeper meaning : we cannot discover our purpose for living in over-confidence or in self-denial. We find the path to our fullest life, our greatest purpose, our strongest mindset and our true self in humility.

Alan Morinis, Rabbi and author of “Everyday Holiness,” tells the story of a little old woman who approached him after he gave a talk. She was clearly ready to give him a compliment but seemed unable to find her thoughts. She stretched out her words liberally saying “You have a wonderful, wonderful…” Alan, noticing her search for descriptive words, tried to complete her sentence “voice,” he said. Her quizzical look told him he had missed so he took another shot, “way with words?” He had been told so many times that his articulate presentation skills were helpful in understanding the teachings of Mussar, the Jewish spiritual path he spoke on around the world. Still, the little old lady’s words began to wind down to an alternate end. “Presence,” he offered one more description, relying on positive feedback he’d been given through the years. But now, the little lady finished her sentence, smiling warmly, “you have a wonderful, wonderful wife” she said. In just a sentance, Mr. Morinis had been given a graphic illustration of his own instinctive self-centeredness and craving for affirmation. Alan writes, “Having stepped in it up to my ankle, there was no way I could deny where I stood. [Humility] was my spiritual curriculum (p. 45).”

Clearly, Morinis is an expert in his craft, but even then, his story shows us the difficulty of neither thinking of ourselves too much or too little. Rather, we discover who we are in every moment by not thinking of ourselves at all. We are neither God’s gift to humanity, nor a blot on creation.

The paradox of pride is that we are perpetually discovering our life-giving purpose within two contradictory extremes — our remarkable abilities & our undeniable failures.

Neither extreme defines us entirely, and we must acknowledge both at all times. We are called to chase our dreams and serve others — as much by our steadfast ambitions, as by our transparent weaknesses. We are human, not God and not dirt. Our lives must rest in the balance of this humility for us to discover a healthy mindset.

This week I sat with a client who once played major league baseball before 40,000 people on a nightly basis. After a 20 year career his knees could no longer endure the beating inflicted by AstroTurf. In retirement there were times the quiet was overwhelming, and the question of identity swelled between extremes — what he was once, and who he is now. The good news is mindset coaching has allowed him to navigate the conflict just like any one going through a job change. By normalizing our anxiety as authenticity and gathering all our experiences as resources for our next at-bat, our lives turn humbly towards the discovery of some greater purpose ahead. Our identity is never solely in one past experience. We have only just begun to learn what we are. The journey is always forward, and forward is always where life is found.

Take a moment to consider your mind’s health. Answer two questions: what are you really good at? If you struggle to answer this question it may be because you need help strengthening your mindset. Remember, the journey of humility requires you to be honest about what you are good at, and unwilling to stay stuck in the voice of self-hatred, self-pity or self-denial — which are dangerous for your mind’s health. Second question: what are you really bad at? If you struggle to answer this question it may be because you are convinced transparency is a weakness. This may be because you have succeeded this far by charging forward regardless of the chaos in your wake. Consider the power of humility to secure your mindset in contentedness. Remember, stacking up accomplishments to reinforce your insecure identity is a destructive endeavor that leads to loneliness, depression, and isolation--all of which are dangerous for your mind’s health.

Wherever you range on the spectrum of prideful extremes, take time this week to slow down and consider where your mind is prone to lean. Are you open to learning the path of true humility? Next time we’ll talk about the second ‘command’ of mindset — “do not judge.”

The story goes that leadership guru John Maxwell and his wife Margaret were being interviewed in front of thousands of people. The interviewer asked Margaret “Does John make you happy?” John began to sweat profusely; he was suddenly on-the-spot in what would be a moment of intense vulnerability. The audience was about to get a tour behind the curtain of his life, led by the person who knew him best.

Margaret’s answer was short and sharp. “No.” The audience seemed entertained with light laughter, but the tension was palpable as they waited for more. Margaret did not disappoint. “John has never made me happy, in fact for the first six months of our marriage, he made me miserable.” The interviewer pressed for more and Margaret obliged. “When we were first married, I was a teacher and John was a Pastor. I thought I’d come home every night to connect to my newlywed as he stroked my hair and asked me about my day. We’d sit together over the dinner I cooked and share our hearts, then we’d relax in the evening hours enjoying each other’s company and conversation.”

John sat silently, powerless to defend his wife’s experience of him. Margaret looked at John with no particular emotion in her face; ‘simply-the-facts’ seemed her expression. “You see from the first month we were married I had no idea what a Pastor’s job entailed. John got calls at all times of the day & night from someone who needed prayer, encouragement, counseling or a visit at the hospital. Then there were the classes at the church once or twice a week, and my own schedule with parents and students. Six months into our marriage I was waking up angry and it was all John’s fault.”

And then with a word, Margaret’s narrative shifted. “Until…”

Margaret shifted her focus back to the interviewer and repeated herself. “Until one day I woke up and I realized it was not John’s job to make me happy.” The murmur of the audience began to build and for the first time John felt a cool breeze soothing his beaded skin. “That morning was the greatest day of my life because it hit me that the only person who can make me happy is me!” The energy of the audience was building with agreement and Margaret finished her exclamation with a quiet and powerful self-affirmation, “From that day on John has added immeasurably to my happiness.”

Who or what do you think will make you happy?

In many ways the answer to this question determines your mindset. Mindset is how you view your world — the perspective you take based on the way you think. Mindset is the established set of attitudes you hold in your mind, and is the driver of our success, satisfaction, enjoyment, and happiness or lack thereof.

All of us have a mindset, but not all of us CHOOSE our mindset. We feel powerless over our thoughts, but it is because we may be unaware of how our thoughts determine our happiness and ultimately our health. You’ve heard it said, “As a man thinks, so is he.” That’s great news when those thoughts are healthy because the outworking of that in our everyday lives becomes, “as we think well, so we will live well.” Unfortunately, we are seeing the outworking of the opposite more and more. MANY people in our present-day have mindsets that are not well, and the consequences are disastrous. I will leave the obvious list of examples brief i.e. overt rage displayed everywhere… politics, social media, divorce court, schools, and on. I will not dwell on the problems because the solution is simple.

Choose your mindset wisely. There is a mindset that leads to life, and if the way you’re thinking doesn’t make you happy — independently of someone else or something else acquired — your mindset is killing you (and possibly others); albeit slowly.

So how do we become a little more like Margaret? How do we decide to make ourselves happy, successful, self-satisfied, and mentally healthy? Believe it or not you’ve already taken the first step by considering your own mindset. Identifying the positive or negative effects of your own thoughts is the beginning of taking control of your mindset (and your future).

Tune in over the coming weeks because I’ll break down “The 10 Commandments of a Healthy Mindset,” and give you practical application for choosing a mindset that makes you healthy.

For now, your homework is straight forward. Answer this question: what is your default mindset? Are you optimistic, pessimistic, stoic, resourceful, indifferent, carefree, mindful, peaceful, anxious or your own descriptive? Are the out-workings of your thoughts leading to increased happiness in your life or the reverse?

Now, prepare yourself to begin the journey of choosing your mindset.