you promote all of everything that is wrong with LA’s food culture which should be eclectic and diverse, and yet, you insist on enumerating the same gentrifying establishments that only the 1% and some diehard, broke-ass-hipster-foodie-self-proclaimed-knowitall could pretend to appreciate, list after list.

the rappings are shrill — ‘have you had their kouignchi-amann [a disgusting savory version of someone who couldn’t quite make laminated dough — its shape literally looks like a crumpled paper stuffed with a funky cabbage] with latte hearts and banjo fruit leather vertigo? so good’

are you aware of what you’re saying?

LA’s restaurant industry is nauseatingly saturated, and the fucking wheel has been reinvented repeatedly back into just shit… and then everybody is spouting out combinations of words that, back then, only existed during blunt ciphers and heady conversations. there have been plenty of cases where I’ve made jailspread for a number of folks who swore by it until realizing that the key ingredients were a cold terrine of cheetohs, doritos, and ramen; sometimes barbecue kettle chips are added if my mood permits. what’s interesting is that, if jeremy motherfucking fox (or those two stoner dudes who puts foie gras on everything) lands jailspread on their menus, you, Eater, will fiendishly make some inane list of things featuring a smutty rendition of it by some prepubescent chef who couldn’t make steamed rice to save his life- ‘quailspread’ — that angelenos should consider as a real necessity for their well being. it’s quite bloody irresponsible.

you’re a self-righteous taste maker, I’ll give you that, and you are well aware of it. you have a pretty good grip on our current socioeconomic stasis that you could plausibly raise the rent in an encompassing neighborhood of a new and below average kofta cantina because you were astounded by its marble counter tops and copper copings that naturally serves no purpose nor function but complete transparent aestheticism. what was it? cute cashier? thought she was quite taken by you? perhaps a great review will get your insipid libido some desperately needed pus-pus.

you are one of the gobs of regressive influences of our zeitgeist redefining what real Mexican food should be because you believe that places like petty cash and toca madera has broken the mold by serving questionable organic carnitas for $12 a pop, and your excitement over the graceless trois familia is so palpable that you should be arrested for public exposure, but this is fair to you. there was no mold to begin with, was there? you made it all up.

our food culture is founded by sacred traditions rooted in incalculable notions of inherent ‘feel’ that if our great grandmothers could only see today would weep restlessly because, to them, terrine’s ‘city’s best fish & chips’ is a cruel joke and subpar compared to their go-to parmesan encrusted tilapia at frank’s dining room during the turn of the century. I go by (if not, live by) the saying, ‘necessity is the mother of invention’ which some might conclude to the other saying ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’ and in some way a reflection of the subconscious of our times. everyone is giving their all to be different, to be noticed, which is something quite admirable about our youth and our generation. although, as with every force of energy, moderation is not a guide, it’s the law of energy. so, this is for all you young adults: learn to walk first before you can run — i.e. learn to make a decent fried chicken before you start fondling with foams.

‘we can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of light’

that’s plato, bitch. I believe in you. it’s the very motivation of writing this — for you, and for the other (probably) two people who will read this. it’s only insulting if you don’t see the humor in it, so I suggest you take a step back and empathize with me. go submerge yourself in the deep waters of monterey park, alhambra, rowland heights, and south central. go see the old white man who mans the helm of jim dandy’s and its pile of LA’s best fried chicken. go to the hong Kong palace and get a glimpse of kowloon, bring friends, order 12 things at dim sum which will cost you somewhere between $35 to $45 — just in case these numbers deem incomprehensible, that’s about 3 tacos at petty cash and or toca madera, not including tip.

be free, and not so much you.

thank you.