Going through security lines is, at best, annoying. At worst it can be embarrassing (OMG I forgot a bottle of water in there!), tedious, and stressful as airplanes take off, meetings are missed, and nefarious implications are alluded to.

Security lines into Official US Administrative Offices can be particularly trying as officers with guns, tasers, and god knows what else tend to glare you down, ever wary and suspicious that you are arriving with the worst intentions and they must keep you out.

I get it. It’s their job. I’m glad they are protecting us, and I’m grateful.

Doesn’t mean it’s easy.

So I was delightfully surprised during an encounter during a snow storm recently as I lined up with dozens of other overheated, uncomfortable people in line. I dutifully pulled off my coat, sweaters, and scarves feeling like the Michelin Tire Man.

While I was taking off these many, many layers and having my bag Xray’d during a security check, an elderly security guard with a thick Polish accent looked at me and said:

“In the old days, people used to wear only one scarf. Why two now?”
Me: “Easy: one to look good and one to keep warm.”
Him: “They both look good on you.”
Me: “Good Answer!”

I burst into a smile and so did he, which suddenly removed all the stress and tension of the situation. A nicely stated, well-intentioned compliment from one human to another. Given and received in good faith. What a notion!

Was it sexual harassment? Some may say yes. I say no. It was a lovely moment in the middle of our crazy chaotic times where we could both let our guard down for an instant and just enjoy the moment.

These are very confusing times indeed.

Here’s what the lawyer Robert A. Klingler has to say about the grey areas between compliments and sexual harassment:

“When might a compliment be sexual harassment?

Common sense will likely determine whether a coworker or boss is simply making nice remarks or is harassing you. If the compliments make you uneasy and feel inappropriate, you should make it known that you do not welcome the “compliments” and you are not comfortable with them and want them to cease.

Legally, whether certain comments are improper depends on the:

• Tone
• Context
• Nature of the relationship (e.g., a friend at work you are close with vs. a senior officer you are not close with)
• Pattern of behavior

For instance, if your boss tells you that you dress too suggestively and you should dress more conservatively for work, that is not harassment. If, on the other hand, he tells you that revealing clothes impress him and asks you to wear them more often, then it could be harassment.

Similarly, a genuine compliment like, “That’s a nice skirt,” is not harassment, but if the speaker follows it up with something sexual or inappropriate like, “It really shows off your backside,” then it may be sexual harassment.”

And relationship expert Susanna Weiss reports:

A video by Stuff Mom Never Told You’s Cristen Conger recently shared by Everyday Feminism drives home exactly how different a compliment actually is from harassment. Although the video, titled “If Catcalls Were Compliments,” is a few years old — it dates back to 2014 — its lessons on some of the major distinctions between compliments and catcalling are still, sadly, absolutely relevant.

Conger points out, for example, that Webster defines a compliment as “a formal act or expression of civility, respect, or regard.” When you catcall someone, on the other hand, you’re not being civil, showing respect, or holding them in high regard. Similarly, the Google definition of a compliment is “a polite expression of praise or admiration,” and “polite” is really the key word there. When you compliment someone, you are treating them with dignity. When you harass someone, you are conveying that they’re below you — which is the polar opposite of praise.

The definition of street harassment, conversely, is “unwanted comments, gestures, and actions forced on a stranger in a public place without their consent,” according to Stop Street Harassment.”

I hope in this new age of women standing up and demanding respect, (which I wholeheartedly endorse, of course), we don’t lose the subtle fun exchanges between people that make life charming and worth plodding through. Here’s to giving and receiving compliments, looking at each other as people and enjoying fun exchanges. For a moment, let’s drop all the isms and pay attention to our instincts. If we really listen to each other, we can feel the motivation behind comments. And if they are good. We should enjoy them. For a moment let’s simply be fun-loving humans.

I had no idea what would happen when I brought a gift of 30 solar cookers to a remote East Kenyan village in 2009. I had decided to visit Wanza, a girl I had sponsored as the first in the village to attend high school.

I had sponsored several kids through a well-known charity where the funds don’t actually go to the kids but are invested in town and village projects. I was eager to get more involved on a one on one basis.

A friend told me about Kithuia Village, Kenya where girls were being held back to take care of farms and smaller children while boys, if their families could afford it, were sent to high school at a major cost to the family. I jumped at the chance to help a girl directly. This was a huge and significant change for the village and I was happy to be a part of making if happen.

There was no internet connection in those days and the occasional letter from Wanza made me curious to meet and get to know her better. Four years later, I was going to celebrate Wanza’s high school graduation in the village.

I was unsure of what to bring the village as a gift, so I researched and found that this part of sub-Sahara Africa was suffering from the most severe drought, deforestation, and famine in recorded history. Communities were running out of trees for firewood and women and small children had to walk miles and miles searching for wood. They were often run off by other villages and attacked by rats, snakes, and worse. This was a very serious situation. Small Canadian flags and pens just weren’t going to cut it as presents for my visit.

I spent hours trying to understand the world’s deforestation problems online when I discovered something called solar cookers. They are similar to what people used in the 1950s by holding up aluminum foil to their faces to reflect as much sun power as possible to get what was then considered a fabulous and fashionable suntan.

Of course, nowadays we know better, but this same simple technique can also provide a safe, cheap, and effective way for people in third world countries to provide fuel for their cooking. I found 30 cookers at Solar Cookers International in Nairobi and became trained in their use before I took the long ride to the village.

I was met with enormous love and affection when I arrived at the village. Everyone was excited that they could meet the person who provided the first girl’s high school education and it was thrilling for me when they danced and sang such beautiful songs about the importance of education.

Now it was my turn to show my appreciation to them. When I first tried to explain how the solar cookers work, the villagers looked at me as if I had three heads!

After cooking with wood or charcoal for the previous 10,000 years, who was I, a privileged woman from Canada to tell them to make a change in the way they prepare their food?

Fortunately, after eating the rice, ugali, and other local foods we demonstrated with, the villagers were amazed that the food actually tasted better, (they maintain more nutrients), and were very keen to have more cookers. I agreed that if they showed me positive results after six months, I would try to send them more upon my return to Canada.

The next six months surpassed all expectations. Not only did the villagers learn to cook without using wood or charcoal but they began planting more trees which significantly changed their climate. Their health dramatically improved. Without the constant smoke from charcoal fires, their lung diseases diminished. The solar cooker kits contain “wapis” which helped them know when water is sanitized so they saw a huge drop in typhoid, cholera, and dysentery.

Solar cookers work very well when the sun is shining, and on cloudy days, Kithuia villagers have an environmentally friendly solution, which uses a small amount of firewood. After food is cooked for five minutes over a fire, the fire is then blown out and the food is placed into a basket (kikapu) which is lined with padded black fabric. The basket absorbs the heat and continues to cook the food while the user is free to continue doing other chores.

I was amazed at the results and began a small Charity called Tonembee (Moving Forward with Vision) with my Canadian and American colleagues and two villagers on our Board. We began raising funds for more solar cookers and scholarships for needy and deserving girls and boys.

Eight years later, we have provided resources and materials for over 1,000 solar cookers. There are trees everywhere and the village population has doubled due to the positive results. Wanza has graduated from university and is now working as an Environmental Scientist in Nairobi. She is the pride of the community and an inspiration to the 20 other high school and university students that our small Charity now supports. It’s amazing how far a little ingenuity and a lot of hard work can go. Such a low tech solution in a high tech world! For more info: www.tonembee.com.