Dear Chris D’elia,

Your imitation of the daily life of a girl is so accurate that I cannot even be upset about your mocking of my gender. You start off the imitation by explaining how women are stressed out all seconds of the day, every day of the month — for literally no reason at all. You impersonate girls perfectly when you point out overdramatic phrases like “You wouldn’t know what happened even if I told you” and “I can’t even.” You go on even further to tell of an instance when two girls called you separately, both stressed to the point of crying and all they asked was “Where do I park?” Then, you come to the conclusion that the reason for all of this madness is because girls like to get stressed out. We complain about “running around all day” when we are actually just driving a lot and shopping. And in this stand-up, you (the man) are actually right; the man is NEVER right, according to a woman.

You simply do not understand what it is like to be girl. While your joke was extremely accurate and perfectly depicted a female reaction to absolutely anything, attempting to even remotely comprehend life through a girl’s eyes would be a futile effort. I applaud the attempt, however, because trying to understand a girl’s point of view would be a very challenging task. This is not a feminist article or some sort of pity cry; this is simply a kind suggestion to quit trying to relate to the complex mind of a woman (I cannot even figure it out myself). I’m writing to proclaim that, yes, a woman’s life is in fact much more stressful than a man’s and that our behavior is justified because of it.

“This is the statement. It goes: ‘Hey girls… relax.’ Yeah, no joke. That’s it. Just because you don’t. Know what I mean? You don’t, you don’t. For instance, every second of all of the days that happen, you don’t.” -Chris D’elia Talks About Girls

The entanglement of a woman’s mind dates back to Adam and Eve and the creation story. Genesis 3:16 tells the story of how Eve gave into the temptation of a serpent after God forbade her to — the beginning of a lengthy timeline of unexplainable choices made by a woman. Adam, unsure what Eve had just done, followed in her direction and led the human race to doom by original sin. In your joke about a woman’s overdramatic life, you referenced not being able to understand ANYTHING a woman had to say, especially if she were raped by a dragon in a market. Maybe, then, Eve’s choice to disobey God “cursed” the lives of women to be that much harder than the lives of men. Maybe women have no option but to be stressed out all the time and “run around all day long” due to Eve’s reckless choices.

Cosmopolitan, a popular yet quite annoying magazine, has published many controversial stories recently. However, their article released in 2016 called “15 Things Men Don’t Understand About Women” may be the most genius thing I have ever read. I believe that women have an underlying connection to each other because of certain things that can only be understood if one is a female. For example, when a girl wants you to take “a” picture of them, we technically mean about 27 pictures (or more depending on the day). Whenever we say “it’s fine,” it’s actually NOT fine. In fact, the world is probably ending but who genuinely has enough energy to explain why today is the worst day of their life? Women usually mean the exact opposite of anything that comes out of our mouth — and yes, we expect you to know that. Lastly, saying “I can’t even” is a REAL phrase — and if you were a woman then you would know exactly what “I can’t even” means.

“One time, a girl told me this: she looked at me and said… ‘You wouldn’t even know what happened even if I told you.’ Are you going to say it in Arabic? Like, I don’t know what you mean.”

Think this sounds dramatic? Yes, it probably is. Then again, you just wouldn’t understand the life of a female. Now, you stated in your joke that you do not care about anything at all. While this approach to life seems nice and all, it is important to care about SOMETHING. Yes, girls are way too dramatic and literally stress about everything, but showing a little effort now and then can go a long way. When I picture what goes on in a man’s brain, I visualize a whole lot of nothing — knock, knock… is anyone home? Maybe, then, roles reverse and girls just don’t understand guys, either. Maybe girls aren’t as psychotic as they are made out to be and we will simply never understand each other because we have completely different mindsets.

Just when you thought you finally figured out what is wrong with women in your joke, Cosmopolitan fired back and made a list of “38 Annoying Things About Guys.” 38 seems like quite a number of things guys are doing wrong — compared to the 15 that girls are, according to this magazine. Please explain to us women why everyone’s name is “bro,” why you have no sense of urgency — EVER — and hell will freeze over before we get a text back. I mean, it is really that difficult? Maybe these things seem reasonable to you, and the two genders will never fully understand each other because, well, that is just how we were made to be.

Chris, I think we can both agree that the picture above perfectly describes the differences in the lives of women and men — one is much more complicated and a little unnecessary. I would rather spend 25 more minutes at Target looking for the right shampoo than buying literal garbage that will fry my hair off. Yes, this makes my life quite a bit more inconvenient but, hey, at least my hair will be glistening in the sun and smell like strawberries. While it seems that making our lives more stressful is a woman’s favorite hobby, it actually works in our favor in the end. I think putting effort and passion into what you do goes a lot further than literally not caring about anything at all. However, I guess this is what makes women who we are. Every day is the worst day of our life, we “literally can’t even,” and you wouldn’t understand what happened even if we told you.

According to newstimes.com, “Truly understanding a person takes at least a year,” says Brookfield resident Dan Sterling, who is in his 20s. “Women will never understand the male mind, just like we will never understand the female mind.” So, maybe we should stop trying to understand one another’s mindset and just go on with our lives. I mean, your joke was hilarious and it brought me to tears but if you are seriously considering trying to comprehend what goes on inside this complex brain, I wish you the best. I am still trying to figure it out myself.

Sincerely,

A stressed out woman