Where I would be right now , in this moment without Jesus.

He is a constant.

He doesn’t leave after an argument.

He doesn’t shut me out when I close my door.

He leaves his door open .

He waits for me at my own pace to catch up.

I often wonder where I would be without him.

Through the heartbreaks, the losses and the disappointment.

The way he comforts me and reminds me that I am not alone.

The way he teaches me lessons to be the best version of myself.

How he always has my best interest at heart.

I wonder where I would have been without Jesus.

My best friend.

Who knows me more than I know myself.

Who showers me with Unconditional love.

Who blesses me when I don’t deserve any reward.

My endless love.

I often wonder where I would have been without him.

NOSTALGIA: BITTER SWEET

I could spend a whole week telling new stories about my life that does not involve sleeping, bathing and making art. For some reason, I get to experience a lot and while all these happens there are still days like this when you stay indoors for 4 months thinking and reminiscing about what used to be and what could have been.

Spending hours in my mind is one of my many talents. Thinking about what would happen if I get this, what should I be doing better and what I would have changed if I go back in time? You want to know my answer? Nothing! I wouldn’t change a thing! But that would be a lie because we are always stuck replaying past events in our head and even if we are able to get pass what the future will hold and all that. We never really get pass the past.

Nostalgia reminds me that I am human, that things get hard and things get better. I remember my university days like it was yesterday. The feeling was amazing, that you could do anything, become anyone. That’s until you are done with school and life hits you right in your face; but yeah it felt nice.

Nostalgia makes me wish I could be young forever so that if I keep making mistakes, I have all the time in the world to fix them. To be able to replay my best memories and re-live them if I choose to.

More than anything Nostalgia is a liar, and it projects our best memories that most days keeps us from moving on and growing up. I wish a lot of things could last forever but then it won’t be life because life is all about changes and these changes are the proof that we actually lived.

Nostalgia helped me appreciate people when they were once kind and without a doubt honest having no ulterior motive.

I hold on to the tiny fragments of perfections that I experience because it always reminds me that there is always something worth living for.

I’ve never really belonged anywhere but I fit in just fine everywhere. For some people that’s super cool but for me it was and still is a serious problem for my self-actualization.

The major question I keep asking myself is where is home?

Home, a place of comfort, peace and happiness. A place where you always want to be. I know that, but where is it? More importantly is it a place or a career or a people or just one person.

My biggest fear is that of rejection. I always wondered why I was so outspoken yet had a lot that I wouldn’t say. Why I would have an amazing idea but wouldn’t share because of the ‘it’s just there’ part. If I liked someone I would never say and would just wait for the feelings to die down because he might not feel the same way and for some reason I thought it was pride.

I try to understand everything and in my process of understanding I misunderstand and jump into conclusions.

I have realized that fear of rejections always left me with the thought of ‘what if I did it’ . You see the world is so complicated having more than 7 billion people with even more complicated personalities. Thinking it’s your job to understand everyone and be everyone’s favorite will sell you short.

Being so afraid to fail and so afraid to be rejected that you always stay on your lane is not living. I know that now ‘ish’

I remember writing a letter to my 26 year old self and how I was and am so naive. How I am trying so hard to do everything on the list before I am 26 that I’m missing out on all that is happening around me.

I give the best motivational speech which is quite ironic for someone that tries to do almost everything by the books and is so comfortable in her zone.

I’ve decided to do things a lot different now and if it doesn’t go exactly how I hoped it would, it is a lesson worth learning.

I haven’t figured out how to get rid of the ‘uptight miss I need to be perfect’ side but I’m certain that my imperfections are what is appreciated the most. The little cracks.

(This is for all those we’ve lost)

You’re here and gone the next day, HOW???

Please can anyone explain because I’m really trying to understand but I can’t.

I need you to text or call or come by and tell me that you are ok and it was just a bad dream.

There’s still so much I want to tell you, to share with you.

How does any of this make sense?

You were walking well, you even smiled at me, we talked this morning, please what is going on??

Maybe if I breathe in well enough and exhale I would feel better.

What of a really hot bath or eating my favorite food?

I think listening to good music will cut it.

I don’t want to know you if you’re gonna leave me because the memories kill more than the news of death.

I’ll just sleep, hopefully when I wake everything will be back to normal.

WHEN YOU REMEMBER ME

Yellow used to be my favorite color growing up and this was highly influenced by the power rangers. It was so bad that I had dreams that I could fly and all that. So, when anyone would ask ‘what is your best color Olly?’, I would say without a quiver in my voice ‘yellow’!

I got over yellow when I got into high school. My best color became purple. Then it became blue and now it’s ‘whatever the hell I’m feeling today’.

I have always had a thing for art. This was highly influenced by my mum. I would look at her and wonder how one person can be so talented. I wish she gets a lot more recognition because she is a ‘drop-dead exceptional artist’!

Over the years I became really good at everything art. Drawing, painting, singing and almost dancing. At 11 years old, I thought that I had found my calling but let’s just say motivation was and still is a lacking factor. I still paint, draw, sing and almost dance just not in a career driven way at least.

Helping people and being there for those I care about has been one of my strong virtues. I ensure this virtue doesn’t get diluted with ill behavior of people. Most days, I do it to a fault. This is highly influenced by the hunger to find happiness which I realized is gotten from making people happy. It has also helped me build better bonds and life-long friendships which I cherish with all my heart.

If I’m not cooking, I’m eating. This is an inbuilt talent influenced by my love for food and my always hungry tummy. I could see a picture of a meal and make a replica of it without checking for the recipe. I sure hope one day I own my own restaurant but for now, I’ll just stick to Sunday brunches and cook outs. With my sense of humor, you can tell that I am one of those people that want to eat a whole cow with sweet stir-fry spaghetti and still be a size 6. Isn’t that hilarious?

I sometimes write my letter ‘b as d’ and ‘d as b’. I smile way too much, I hate exercises but I have to get that ‘I don’t think it happening summer body’. I love writing which was actually influenced by my bad reading and spelling skills.

So, when you choose to remember me, think of these things.

I used to think that when you grow up, the things you were so afraid of would change. I have come to the conclusion that this is inaccurate and here is why; Every habit or fear we have is 88% linked to our childhood, what we believed was true and what we didn’t but if convinced well enough we would also believe.

“This is a protect your child’s mind piece.”

Now there were a list of things I was afraid of growing up.

The dark

Injections

Failure

The supernatural

I would explain each according to its intensity.

INJECTION:

I have never been a fan of injections and up to this day I am still very much afraid of it. The drawing of blood is fine for me, but the injection of anything into my body is something I haven’t grown a tough skin for. I still call my mum to the room to hold her hand and cry. For someone that can withstand physical pain, the pain of injection was not one that I could.

When I was a lot younger, I fell sick a lot and had to take a lot of injections. I never got used to it and when people would tell me that they preferred injections to drugs I think of them as serial killers or something. I haven’t had a reason to take injection for the past 3 years and I’m hoping it stays that way, by God’s grace. A quick shout out to my ‘drugs over injection’ people. You are not alone.

THE SUPERNATURAL:

When I was 7 years old, my mum got rid of two of my best teddies- a teddy dog and a bear. I was so sad, I didn’t even know when she got rid of them. When I asked her about it, she told me that our pastor at the time told her to get rid of all our toys because there were demons in them. I would vouch that she was doing what she felt was good for me at the time but for my mental health, it was not.

I also went to a Christian secondary school that told me that the cartoons I was watching also had their fair share of demons and a lot of other things that would mess with anyone’s head. Right now, do I believe this? I have no idea, but I get chills of the thought, though. What I know is that it has messed with my imaginations and so in order to help myself, I try not to watch horror movies or anything like that. This is the reason why I occasionally block my parents on WhatsApp in the spirit of mental health and wanting to be thinking about candies and rainbows.

THE DARK:

Now I am sure that there is nothing in the dark but because of the way I grew up, I can’t sleep without light unless there is a human being beside me. This is called. ‘nyctophobia.’ I heard a lot of creepy stories when I was younger and all the events were associated with night and darkness. African magic on the other hand did not help me either, even with their poor-quality movies at the time, an eight-year-old girl was still scared. So, I was never comfortable in the dark.

The dark also signifies something else, when I completely give up on everything. Going completely blank. It could also be linked to depression, the feeling of nothingness. I don’t wish it on myself or anyone and if you feel this way reach out to someone, anyone.

FAILURE:

I fear this the most. Failure in life, friendships, and relationships. This is the one I can least explain. Having the highest expectations for yourself, looking at people’s successes and comparing them to yours. This doesn’t help, we know this but we do it anyway.

Everything is at your own pace. What is the pace? 10 years from now? I honestly don’t know.

One thing that I can assure you is that if you struggle with any of this, you are not alone. Remember that Someone greater than all these has your back. I try to.

LESSON:

Everything you are afraid of is a compilation of events from your childhood.

I have often considered myself beautiful and attractive; but not on days like this. Welcome to the real-world Olly.

I’d always been excited about NYSC because it was my only way out of my father’s house. I’ll have the opportunity to move to a different state — far from Lagos — and gain a great level of independence. Really, that was all I wanted, and at the beginning, it seemed like a perfect plan.

On the 8th of January 2020, at about 7 am, I got what was long coming — the official end of my already dead relationship. If I’m being honest, I’d seen it coming from a mile away. So when it finally happened, I didn’t even know how to react. There was just complete uncertainty and it literally sent chills down my spine. The 8th of January was also the day I was leaving for Abuja, to start my NYSC — the next and exciting chapter in my life. Sadly, the dream of going through this phase of life with a partner to share it all with was now nothing but shards of beautiful glass. I got on a plane to Abuja that evening and convinced myself that I was going to be alright, I’m a strong woman after all. But honestly, I wasn’t even close to it. And one thing I was sure of is: no matter how much you try to hide your feelings and lie to everyone that you are okay, YOU JUST CAN’T LIE TO YOURSELF.

The 9th of January 2020 was initially dedicated to rounding up my NYSC registration, but everything took a wrong turn when my phone got stolen. I rushed to the Airtel office to get my sim disabled, but they said that they couldn’t do it unless I swore an affidavit. Can things just get any worse? Yes, it just began.

On the 10th of January 2020, I went to the court to get a sworn affidavit. Before going there, I withdrew 3k, just in case I need to pay for whatever was required. But little did I know it was a wrong move. After I got my affidavit, I followed my friend to Jos — I had planned to do this for a while — I needed somewhere to cool off. You know, blow off some steam. I love Jos for one particular reason: cheap and beautiful nails! It’s crazy how affordable it is compared to other parts of Nigeria and I really wanted to do my nail. Like I said, blowing off some steam.

The next morning, I arrived at the salon and of course, I picked the best style. I had N2,200 with me, and the total of my nails cost N2,400. So, I told the nail artist that I had only N2,200 cash that I didn’t want to spend my entire cash at hand. I also made her understand that I’d have transferred to her, but I couldn’t send money because I had no phone. To ease her worry, I told her to hold on to my purse and N2,000 of the total amount I had; I was going to get a keke ride to the ATM to withdraw some cash. When I got to the ATM, I made the request to be dispensed N3,000 and the response was “insufficient funds”. I was confused. I made a second request for N1,000 and it said the same thing. Now, in the midst of strangers, I was about to just lose it. I decided to check the total of what was in my account and I saw N4. Wait what! Four naira? It’s a joke right? Everything I felt that day is like a scar in my skin right now because as I type these words, I feel the rush all over. Anyway, I put myself together and went home. Basically, I had no relationship, no phone, and no money — all within 3 days. Wondering if I didn’t pay for those nails? Well, thankfully, I did. My friend helped me pay the rest for the nails. God bless you, Emily. My trip back to Abuja that Sunday was a reflective one. And the worst part was I felt that I deserved every single thing that happened to me. Did I?

There were complications in my accommodation planning. I was supposed to stay with my Ex’s friend until I got things sorted out. I never really got the chance to cry or wallow in my sadness because I had a lot of things to think about like WHAT NEXT? So far, I have been without a phone for a week, and yes, that was hard. No access to Uber or Google maps, especially being in Abuja where I didn’t know my way well. I finally got “something” I could use to connect with the world. A-not-so-bad phone.

I indulged in a couple of dates afterward: to remind or convince myself that I could still be desired by men; anything to find value in an empty space. I was broken, but I tried my best to keep working — it’s how I have been programmed to act since I was a girl. On days like this, I didn’t feel beautiful. I felt stuck like there was a bottomless pit of lacking that I desperately wanted to fill. I didn’t feel smart and I didn’t trust anyone.

My ex came to Abuja, (we had reconnected a couple of weeks before he arrived) so I had my hopes up that things were going to get a lot better. But it didn’t. In fact, I had never felt that disrespected in my life, I felt so little and helpless. “Certain things happen for things to get better”- Olly. Hold on to that quote because I sure didn’t. I know that if I did, my emotions would have been more defined to make me stronger not to break me down.

“It’s time to move out of (my ex’s friend’s) house,” my ex told me before he left for Lagos. To avoid further humiliations and belittling, and to keep my boss babe rep, I told him that I had a place to stay. But I didn’t. I had no single idea where I was going to stay. That Sunday when he left, I decided that I was going to call a couple of people and if push comes to shove, I will rent my own place. The push came to shove and I started pulling funds — from my parents and my brother really. I raised enough money just for the house rent. The cost of ordinary foam to sleep on was yet unaffordable. I was so sad, continuously asking myself if coming to Abuja was the best option for me.

On a special Wednesday, I had to leave the house that I was staying in, after having packed all my things in less than 15 minutes. By exactly 9:56 pm, I entered my cab with my luggage, on the move in the middle of the night looking for where I could rest my head. Now, I had a couple of options, unfortunately, 99% of them wanted to sleep with me, but my 1% was Diamond. She did a lot for me throughout my early stay in Abuja. She was my go-to girl and of course, she had my back on days like this. I stayed with her for about five days but had to leave. I had already spent more than N30,000 in search of a house and I still did not have one. I was frustrated and desperate to find a house and I did. You know that phrase “do not make any decision when you are desperate’, I didn’t follow it. I paid for a bad house that I would have spent more than N200,000 to renovate before even buying my bed. I lost N40,000, and because I was losing so much money and wanted a way out, I lost an additional N120,000. At this point, I still didn’t have a house. What is my next step? I thought. I felt no love and zero trust in anyone. Like no one!

MY LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

People always use the phrase “though trouble lasts all night, joy comes in the morning”. I got a phone call on a very special Sunday night. It was my mum telling me that it only gets better, and I am to move into Justice’s house. What?! For real? Everything since then has been sweet and smooth. The end is pretty amazing. I am still looking for the guy that’ll sweep me off my feet, make me feel safe and loved. I am quite happy; and for the first time in a long time, things are finally working out for me. I am still healing, I mean, it takes time, but I am healing. There are parts of this story that weren’t typed in this article, but if you ask me out and buy me a drink after this lockdown, I might consider telling you the juicy, intimate details.

I went through most of this without Jesus; I always forget that He is a constant. He was meant to be my constant, not anyone else.

Cheers to happiness.