One of the greatest myths of contemporary, consumer-driven relationship psychology is the egocentric conception of the “self”: a subject that moves through the world radiating itself, possessing a clearly defined sense of who it is and what it wants, and demanding from the world and from others “compatibility” and the satisfaction of its needs, according to a pre-existing matrix. All of this without speaking in any meaningful way about sharing and giving.

So, what’s the problem with the ego, and why can’t it be satisfied within most current relationship models?

Happiness is not a fixed state

Happiness — contrary to the currently fashionable hedonistic attitudes promoted especially by self-proclaimed YouTube gurus — is not a stable state nor a clearly, objectively defined point that can be reached and preserved. It is a process, one that actualizes itself in relationships. As Aristotle described it, eudaimonia is not an emotion but a way of life — something that happens through action, not within an isolated “self.”

The same applies to what we call “needs” or “preferences” in relationships. Contrary to a common assumption, these needs are neither entirely objective nor stable. They are shaped by experience and by what we come to regard as normal. We grow accustomed to what is consistently present in our lives, rationalize what we have (yes, the grass on the other side may only appear greener), and redefine our minimum when the context changes.

Meanwhile, an egocentric “self,” convinced of its own permanence and the objectivity, identifying with its currently perceived matrix of needs, treats a relationship as their function and as a one-sided transaction.

This is why the dominant narrative today speaks primarily about boundaries, needs, and self-actualization — far less often about responsibility, mutual formation, or willingness to change.

Tinder ego: perpetual ADHD mode

For people functioning in long-term relationships, a non-egocentric, giving-oriented ego is something obvious — a competence that was entirely natural just one generation ago. Yet in Tinder culture, whose very essence is continuous benchmarking and compatibility matching, the ego moves to the foreground. Creating a dating profile itself becomes a form of egocentric confession to oneself: the construction and documentation of one’s own specification, to which the world is expected to adapt, satisfy, and respond. The Tinder ego exists in a state of constant ADHD. It inevitably brings to mind the famous scene from Finding Nemo, where hungry seagulls, upon seeing something edible, shout in unison: “Mine! Mine! Mine!”.

Liquid love & traumas

What is often forgotten is that the construction of the ego is heavily influenced by dissatisfactions and traumas mediated through early childhood. The ego is full of desires and unmet deficits. How can one build successful interpersonal relationships by placing something like this at the front? If the other person does not fit my template of expectations, they should be “closed” and replaced with a better ‘next’. Such an attitude becomes the source of accumulating cycles of dissatisfaction in interpersonal relationships.

Z. Bauman called this “liquid love”: a relationship meant to be intense yet reversible, deep yet without obligation. The paradox is that the more we try to protect the integrity of the “self,” the less capable we become of relationships that genuinely transcend that self. And without such transcendence, a relationship remains merely a contract between two solitudes. This becomes especially evident when observing how off-putting people become when they publicly confess on TikTok how independent they are and how clearly defined their boundaries in relationships supposedly are.

Perhaps, then, the question about relationships should not begin with whether my needs are being met, but with who I am becoming by being with this other person. Because happiness in a relationship rarely lies in perfect compatibility — more often, it lies in the willingness to be not entirely oneself, so that something shared can come into being.

The solution?

Turn off the overactive ego 🙂 and start loving.