Last week I was enjoying several of my favorite non-political activities. Rolling coal on cyclists, taking recreational diabetes medication, and listening to Dead Kennedys on repeat. As I fumbled to send a few texts while blasting through a school zone, I received an alert from my favorite non-political news outlet, The New York Times.

Apparently America got tired of slurping up oil from the chili-lined bowels of Venezuela, and decided to snatch some from the loving womb of the Ayatollah. If you’re a history buff like me, you’ll note that the Ayatollah was originally besties with the U.S., until he was kicked out of the group chat for repeatedly laugh-reacting at stories about synagogues being firebombed.

At first, I was overjoyed to see that the United States was putting boots on the ground for yet another foreign oil war, because we’re usually so good and efficient when we do that. Unfortunately, I quickly came to learn that the war was ordered by none other than sitting U.S. President Benjamin Netanyahu. This enraged me completely. I got so upset that I spilled Capri Sun all over my dashboard, and had to pull over and seethe in the parking lot of Home Depot, my favorite non-political store.

“Why the hell are we injecting politics into our wars all of a sudden?” I demanded, to nobody in particular. Politics is ruining everything I love. If they’re not putting gay people in video games, or transgenders in my bathroom, they’re putting pedophiles in the Oval Office. You can’t even pass a simple bill in congress these days without some woke Epstein associate making it all political, and probably even using a pronoun (my least favorite of which is ‘ourselves.’) It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

What ever happened to the good old days, when we would go to war for non-political reasons? Reasons like, the enemy knocked over our buildings with absolutely no provocation or foreign meddling whatsoever, or the enemy is British. Now every time I fill up my gas tank, I have to be reminded of the fact that the United States is under foreign occupation, courtesy of a New Jersey-sized ethnostate responsible for some of the most vile human rights abuses in modern history.

I guess if you don’t do politics, the politics will find a way to do you. And in this particular instance, doing you means bending you over and jamming a poorly-lubed nuclear warhead right into the most political part of your body.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got other apolitical activities to enjoy, like watching Schindler’s List via 13,000 TikToks, or posting my thoughts and prayers after a school shooting.

Related Pieces:

• Nobody Should Ever Die Under Any Circumstances, No Matter What
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I Used To Love War, Before It Got All Political was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The government may be shut down, but I can’t shut the hell up.

If you’re a long-time follower of mine, you may know that I’ve penned hundreds of monologue-style jokes about the news as part of a bid to launch a career in TV comedy writing. I put the column on pause throughout much of 2024 because, as you know, nothing funny happened that year. Anyway, now that Colbert is getting cancelled, Kimmel is getting gag orders, and Fallon has been found hanging in his cell, this seems like the worst time in modern history to be publishing hahas about the headlines. So, like a disgruntled nerd selling Apple stock in 1997, I’m here to make poor decisions, get some laughs, and maybe smash my computer in frustration.

You can catch the entire “Jokes About The News” series here.

Former U.S. ambassador Rahm Emanual says Trump grabbed a hand grenade from the Democrats. This is a refreshing change of pace, considering where he’s usually grabbing them.

Opinion: U.S. bailout won’t fix Argentina’s economy, but another $40 billion to Israel might just get the job done.

What is the Hatch Act? Democrats accuse Kristi Noem of hatching out of a reptilian egg sac.

ICE’s use of full-body restraints have been condemned by human rights organizations. On the other hand, they’ve been unilaterally embraced by the kink community.

Taylor Swift just gave some of the best advice you’ll ever hear. Apparently the pop star said “fuck bitches, get money.”

Trump wants a White House ballroom. In fact, he wants two of them, just below the White House penisroom that Clinton constructed in ’95.

Fatal bear attacks in Japan hit record high. The U.S. has agreed to send aid, in the form of a very hungry RFK Jr. with a fork and a knife.

And while we’re at it, let’s drop another $20 billion on Israel.

Scientists say eating junk food can alter your brain. When asked to cite their sources, they vaguely gestured at the United States and said “you seein’ this shit?”

Palestinians return to war-torn neighborhoods amid ceasefire. One local is quoted as saying “This is not Gaza… It looks more like Detroit.”

Scientists have found a hidden “edge state” which may lead to infinite energy. This is surprising, as most people are ready to roll over and fall asleep once they’ve found their edge state.

Urgent advisory for exotic destination warns of ‘criminal gangs’ and ‘violent crime.’

Interesting. I’ve never thought of D.C. as an ‘exotic’ locale before, but whatever.

Democrats get warning signs in New Hampshire… And a series of gang signs in D.C.

Local hobbyist finds new and inventive way to get arrested for pushing bricks.

Related Pieces:

• Nobody Should Ever Die Under Any Circumstances, No Matter What
• Parents, Make Sure To Check For Fentanyl In Your Kid’s Halloween Cocaine!

A wise man once said nothing in life is inevitable except death and taxes. As a proud American patriot, I’ll have to respectfully disagree. You see, I used to think every person had a god-given right to die, since it’s literally the one thing that unites all living creatures sentient or otherwise. That was, until yesterday, when I checked my phone and saw that my hero Genghis Khan passed away back in 1227 A.D. (or C.E., if you want to be some kind of woke liberal cuck about it.)

In that very moment, I dropped to my knees in the Walmart parking lot. “Why?!” I lamented to a cold, unforgiving universe, as my open container of shrimp spilled all over the asphalt. “Why do the good die young?” After all, Khan never did anything to harm anybody. He simply traveled from place to place, caring for his children and providing a safe and respectful platform for the exchange of labor and ideas. He didn't deserve to die.

Then, I checked Twitter, (or X if you want to be some kind of fucking virgin about it) and saw that there was another notable tragedy catching everyone’s attention. Some large-gummed fascist with a face straight out of a Lovecraft novel ate it in front of a crowd, prompting an outpouring of thoughts and prayers which spanned the entire political aisle. Everyone from Candace Owens to Zohran Mamdani expressed boiler plate sentiments about the sanctity of human life, assuring their followers that absolutely nobody deserves to die, ever. No matter who they are, or what they did.

The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize that the generative AI video of Donald Trump posted by the official @POTUS account was making an excellent point. If you shoot up a school full of children, you deserve to live just as much as anybody else. Per Nancy Pelosi, a man with a documented history of violent sexual crime deserves to live just as much as the children locked in his basement. Thanks to JD Vance, I now understand that people who live to the ripe old age of 105, bodies riddled with cancer, deserve to go on living in agony for centuries, perhaps until the heat death of the universe.

Whether we’re talking about Martin Luther King Jr, Benjamin Netanyahu, Genghis Khan, Casey Anthony, or more than 20,000 Palestinian children, every single person is equally deserving of our respect and adoration. It’s okay to bully transgender people, it’s okay to feed immigrants to alligators, hell, it’s even okay to shoot someone you don’t like in the neck as they articulate their latest in a long line of horrible takes. Just as long as you never ever die, under any circumstances.

Because that’s what America is all about. It isn’t about stifling fascism, killing nazis, or defeating evil. It’s about placating our oppressors with childlike whimsy, and unearned epitaphs.

Related Pieces:

• What The Capitol Rioters Actually Got Right
• Mass Shootings Are Back, Nature Is Healing.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’re likely aware of the fact that I like to crack wise about the wackiest headlines that grace my news feed. I enjoy doing this so much, in fact, that I’ve published over 100 monologue-style jokes on this godforsaken website regarding the likes of Trump, Biden, Elon, Putin, and plenty of other figures so ubiquitous that we can comfortably refer to them with a single name.

In the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to compile each volume thus far into a single massive compendium, just in case you’ve got a big meeting coming up which requires some smart-ass remarks and the only thing you’ve got time to do is CTRL+F and pray for the best.

Here’s to 100 more years of absurd headlines, wacky media takes, and whatever the fuck kind of career this is that I’m doing! And as always, thanks for laughing.

Volume 1: Original publication date April 13, 2022

Tish Cyrus files for divorce from Billy Ray after 28 years of marriage. When asked for comment she explained “First I thought he was Hannah Montana’s dad, now I’m finding out he was secretly Miley Cyrus’ dad? It’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore.”

Amid rise of gun violence, Biden unveils ‘basic common sense’ regulations targeting ghost guns. Still no word yet on his plan to deal with zombie guns, goblin guns, or the dreaded Franken-gun plaguing the Southwest.

Will Smith has been banned from attending the Oscars for 10 years over the slapping incident with Chris Rock. When asked why he received such a harsh punishment, a representative for the Academy simply stated “Our hands were tied, he’s not a white pedophile so he was already on thin ice.”

Kid Rock launches new tour with a video greeting from Donald Trump saying “I love you all.” This most certainly sets the tone for the concert of a lifetime, as this has never been said to a Kid Rock fan before.

Biden has been critiqued for “hiding in his bunker.” An official spokesman for the White House clarified “He wasn’t hiding, that’s just where he goes to nap. There’s a sun beam down there.”

Bill Gates says another pandemic is coming. Jesus Christ, do we really need a reboot of every single classic franchise?

Marjorie Taylor Greene defends January 6th because it “only happened one time.” Poor Marjorie Taylor Greene, she doesn’t even know January 6 happens every year.

Jussie Smollett maintains his innocence in an ongoing legal battle regarding an alleged fake hate crime. Good thing he’s feeling better, last I heard he was really beating himself up about it.

Brett Favre has been Implicated in an $8 Million welfare scam. When asked for comment, Favre announced his retirement from the NFL, just out of muscle memory.

Man who claims he could have stopped the 9/11 hijackers recounts being thrown out of a party by the ear.

Volume 2: June 29, 2022

A Subway employee was gunned down after an argument that began over mayonnaise. It began over condiments, and ended over cold cuts.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders offers an ‘interesting’ alternative to getting an abortion. Simply open fire on the unwanted pregnancy.

Disney is beginning to feel buyers remorse after learning just how insufferable the average Star Wars fan can be.

Biden administration report shows massive fossil fuel industry job losses. In a quote to the press, Biden said “I knew those fossils before they were fuel!”

Ted Cruz has Twitter beef with Samuel L. Jackson. This should come as no surprise, since Ted Cruz’s porn history clearly shows he wishes to be a bad mother fucker.

Gullible Millennial thinks it’s humanly possible for Republicans to experience any form of consequence.

Guy who noticably can’t fight believes violence is “fair game.”

In Amazing news, Andrew Garfield has signed on for future Marvel movies, exemplifying a positive outcome from a second trimester abortion.

Former Russian general reveals Kremlin’s potential WW3 strategy. What kind of backwards propaganda is this? Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a ‘former’ Russian general.

Hillary Clinton sums up Clarence Thomas in three words. This is a lot of progress for Mrs. Clinton, as she normally just uses one when describing black people.

Volume 3: August 24, 2022

The United States is set to give $3 Billion in arms to Ukraine, along with an unspecified number of legs.

Donald Trump’s team just royally screwed him in broad daylight. Boy oh boy, these celebrity OnlyFans creators are ruining the platform for everyone.

Teacher hatches ingenious plan to catch cheaters during exam. He caught 14 students fucking his wife.

Employee who lost half his skull after a pub golf outing sues PwC for criminal negligence. The company has denied any wrongdoing, simply stating “It’s nothing to lose your head over.”

Parkland school shooter Nikolas Cruz’s drawings from a Florida jail reveal his disturbed mind, and a promising career as a manga artist in his future.

Student loan companies will scramble to adjust and some borrowers could fall into delinquency if Biden extends the payment pause.

If these corporations couldn’t afford to give out loans, they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and stop begging for handouts.

Top Hungarian weather service officials fired after delivering the wrong forecast. The team were subsequently offered a position alongside the new White House press secretary.

Airline crew shortages and delayed flights have travelers lamenting their “Worst travel experience ever” weeks before the anniversary of 9/11.

The IRS has initiated a safety probe after workers received violent threats, but I’d also just accept the money in exchange for my silence.

NASA scientists have finally uncovered the sound a black hole makes! The bad news is, it sounds exactly like “Gangnam Style”

Volume 4: October 9, 2022

Russia has appointed a new overall commander for its military in Ukraine. No word yet on why they don’t just switch to belts, but fashion has never been Putin’s strongsuit.

A Mark Wahlberg real-life drama is destroying Netflix! And here’s a twist: It’s not a 1988 hate crime that blinded a Vietnamese teenager!

North Korea is suspected to have fired at least one ballistic missile, and an unspecified number of hysterical grenades.

Hollywood executives have ordered a thrilling sequel to the Depp V. Heard trial, recasting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the starring duo’s roles.

Forbes details the weird, undemocratic voting system that is taking hold in the U.S… News flash: It’s called the electoral college!

LaDainian Tomlinson reveals the shocking reason why black coaches aren’t hired: Racism.

Trader Joe’s just brought back a beloved pre-pandemic tradition: Spitting in each other’s mouths!

Many young people shouldn’t save for retirement, says country on the brink of social security collapse.

Thank god Vox is here to explain the death toll of Hurricane Ian. Here’s the explanation: Sometimes hurricanes kill people.

House Democrats plan to censure Marjorie Taylor Greene for calling Biden ‘Hitler.’ I wonder if they’ll also want to censure me for calling Marjorie Taylor Greene ‘a cunt.’

Volume 5: November 28, 2022

Bodybuilder shows off serious damage steroids have done to his body in bid to help others… Is the best excuse I’ve ever heard for when your wife catches you sending nude photos to the young guys at the gym.

You’re not prepared for Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen’s “ironclad” prenup details… Is what Tom Brady’s lawyer said during a deposition, between sobs.

Some Republicans criticize Trump for meeting with white supremacist… But most of them are waving their tiki torches in excitement.

Atlanta woman gives birth inside a local McDonald’s. Sources indicate the child is a double quarter pounder.

Russia has reportedly revealed its Brittney Griner plan. If it’s anything like their Ukraine plan, it might take a long time before this gets sorted out.

Noted fruitcake Herschel Walker tells disenchanted youth to ‘find somewhere else’ and ‘give up US citizenship.’

Maybe he’s just grouchy because he hasn’t recovered from his daily morning concussion yet.

Tenoch Huerta confirms his buldge was edited out of Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, despite literally nobody asking. “It was the biggest one in the MCU!” He added, vigorously.

NFL mascot’s racy outfit is going viral. “For Christ’s sake, That Tiger is hung like Tenoch Huerta!” Says Tenoch Huerta.

Local idiot spent $9 million on a free COVID vaccine.

Straight Outta Antibodies.

Elon Musk personally called CEOs of companies that stopped advertising on Twitter… because he couldn’t figure out how else to cyberbully them.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s conviction appeal is in Jeopardy. Apparently she forgot to specify who she sex trafficked underaged children to in the form of a question.

Volume 6: January 12, 2023

An insider from the Biden administration reports that nuclear launch codes were left behind at a Denny’s counter.

Republicans are speculating that Biden left the documents as a tip on his Grand Slamwich meal.

Officials from Poland are answering Kyiv’s pleas for Western-made heavy machinery by sending battle tanks to Ukraine, with talks of Lil Yachty potentially bringing the Wock.

The FDA has granted accelerated approval to an experimental Alzheimer’s drug, and don’t you forget it!

A classroom of over 400 students organized to make the substitute teacher cry over the course of 15 class sessions. Class clown elected “Head Dunce.”

The oldest living Pearl Harbor survivor just turned 105. Rumor has it, they’re throwing him a surprise party.

After being stranded by SouthWest airlines over the holidays, an Oregon family opted to spend $4,000 on a multi-day road trip to get back home.

This is the most recent in a centuries old string of dysentery deaths to plague the Oregon trail.

FBI Investigator says alledged Idaho murders suspect Bryan Kohberger made ‘every mistake’ a murderer could make. But an analyst from the CIA thinks he could have done it much worse.

Putin snaps in recorded meeting with ministers, causing them to begin harmonizing like a barbershop quartet.

The FDA has granted accelerated approval to an experimental Alzheimer’s drug, and don’t you forget it!

The oldest soda in the world is still around today! But experts suggest it’s most likely gone flat.

Art gallery owner hoses down homeless woman on the street in a shocking and moving installation of class warfare. The artist is set to receive a Pulitzer prize this Summer.

Volume 7: March 27, 2023

Ohio sues Norfolk Southern over train derailment.

Apparently the hazardous chemicals have filed a countersuit on the grounds that they “Don’t want to be in Ohio.”

BBC World News host quits weeks after apologizing for her family’s links to slavery.

Reports are saying she was “Totally owned” on Twitter.

A recession indicator just flashed its loudest warning ever.

Joe Biden was so startled he nearly dropped his hearing aid into his soup.

Trial postponed for fitness influencer accused of scamming thousands of customers.

She was doing an intensive workout routine, consisting mostly of stick-ups.

Arnold Schwarzenegger addresses growing trend of anti-semitism, calling it “The path of the weak.”

Coincidentally, Kanye West just announced his latest single, under the same name.

Tik Tok faces uncertain future after 5 hour long congressional thrashing.

Gen Z will be watching the footage in a 691 part series layered over footage of some idiot playing Subway Surfer.

As new tornadoes ravage Georgia, President Biden has approved disaster relief spending for Mississippi.

The All Lives Matter crowd are currently asking for relief checks as well, in Montana.

Americans thought child labor was a travesty, that myth has been shattered.

Turns out, child labor is awesome, says USA Today.

Grimes explains the meaning of “Y” the name of her baby daughter with Elon Musk.

It’s the question she asks herself when she remembers that she named their last kid after the sound a dog makes when it sneezes in its sleep.

She’s forming a scatter plot, using her children as the axes.

It’s the 25th letter of the alphabet, to honor the child’s place as Elon’s 25th kid.

It’s the question she asks herself when she remembers she let this weirdo nut inside her at least twice.

Jonathan Majors has been called a sociopath and an abuser by former colleagues after his domestic violence arrest.

“That’s the last time I take Jared Leto’s acting advice!” Said Majors in a statement to the press.

Volume 8: June 21, 2023

Witnesses claim to have seen military fighter jets engaging with a UFO over Michigan. Apparently the craft refused to land on the basis that the aliens “Didn’t want to wind up in Detroit.”

Additional reports found similar crafts sitting on cinder blocks in a bad part of town.

A pitcher for the New York Mets was ejected from a game after being caught cheating. Apparently he was getting a blowjob from the catcher.

The Daily Express US poses an important ethical dilemma: Is it okay to body-shame a brutal authoritarian dictator?

Former president (and current fat-ass fuck) Donald Trump cannot answer one question: What is Obama’s last name?

Scientists have confirmed that psychedelics cause unexpected chemical reactions in the brain, and craaaazy colors on the walls and ceilings!

Peyton Manning is under fire for ordering his favorite beverage at the college world series.

“What do you mean you don’t have new coke?” said the former NFL quarterback.

Early Oppenheimer viewers are leaving the movie devastated.

It wouldn’t be the first time he completely devastated a crowd… In fact, it’s sort of his whole thing.

New search for actor Julian Sands on California mountain is unsuccessful.

Casting directors have stated that they’ll accept “A Julian Sands type.”

Tom Brady hid major holes during his time with the Buccaneers.

Apparently lots of air was deflating out of them.

Wealthy elites who paid for the full “Titanic experience” got more than they bargained for when their submersible watercraft disappeared at sea.

Hollywood sequels are really getting out of hand. And production values have seriously dropped since the writers strike began!

But at least James Cameron can bust in his drawers over the opportunity to produce Titanic 2: 2 Tit 2 Tanic.

Volume 9: July 20, 2023

Woman suing Texas over abortion ban refuses to carry her lunch to its full term.

Justice Kavanaugh has been skewered as a “lightweight” in brutal analysis.

“Jokes on you” Kavanaugh said in a rebuttal, “Could a lightweight have had six whiskey sours in the last 20 minutes? Didn’t think so.”

President Biden sparks concerns after reciting his favorite Playboi Carti lyrics during meeting with Israeli President Isaac Herzog.

Leaked emails allege Texas Border Patrol agents were instructed to push migrants into the Rio Grande, even though that prank hasn’t been funny since 1993!

Russian mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin claims Putin’s front is a disgrace.

The military strategist later added “And don’t even get me started on his rear!”

Truckers, UPS workers, and American Airlines employees all appear to be mobilizing with plans to strike this week, just as SAG-AFTRA announced a strike of their own.

“You just can’t write this stuff!” Says local WGA rep.

McDonald’s has announced a major menu change due to looming threats of a McNuggets strike.

More than 1 million Americans are apparently missing.

But are we sure we haven’t checked Ohio?

‘Money Talks News’ has published their list of 11 expenses to cut now if you want to retire early.

The list includes things like avocado toast, Starbucks coffees, and submersible trips to see the Titanic.

Slain man’s murderers claim to be hot on their own trail, and only 26 years too late!

Volume 10: November 23, 2023

MovieMaker is here with some hard-hitting reporting regarding 7 horror remakes nobody really needed.

Claiming the top spot: A genocide at the Gaza Strip!

Biden believes a deal is close to freeing hostages in Gaza.

Unfortunately he also believes his hair’s not thinning, gas is 12 cents a gallon, and it’s still 1959.

George Foreman has revealed his extensive car collection for your viewing pleasure.

And if you think the headlights look good, you need to check out the grilles!

Virginia restaurant which famously kicked out Sarah Huckabee Sanders in 2018 has officially closed its doors.

Turns out she was eating for 10.

A shocking listicle reveals 12 things atheists think happen when you die.

Number 1 is rigor mortis, number 2 is in your pants.

Vladimir Putin has been forced to make a humiliating retreat after taking heavy losses in Ukraine. Or, as Putin calls it: Wednesday.

Man with a 0-day work week suggests 3-day work week.

Bill Gates applauds the possibility of a 3-day work week, where human beings can rest, and robots can do all the hard work of molesting children on Epstein’s island for him.

Ron DeSantis says nominating Trump in 2024 is high risk and low reward.

Sort of like living in a mosquito-infested swamp full of racist baby boomers just to enjoy the beach and some sunlight.

The Fish and Wildlife Service have plans to remove the Apache trout from the threatened species list.

This news comes after the trout allegedly identified information which could lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.

Legal expert maps out realistic ways Trump can stop all his trials.

I’ve got one expert method in mind as well, and it involves the second amendment.

Ann Coulter skewers ‘illiterate’ Greg Abbott, in a shocking reminder that even a stopped clock can be a stuck-up cunt twice a day.

Thanks for checking out these jokes! If you enjoyed any of them, you can join my mailing list to get fresh new batches delivered straight to your email, free of charge.

If you’re hankering for hilarity in your personal life, you can also hire me on Fiverr to write jokes for you!

100+ Jokes About The News! was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Returning readers of my riotous ramblings may know that I’m a professional humorist, pop culture columnist, and WGA hopeful, spouting sardonic jabs at the week’s silliest headlines in an effort to both replicate Late Night television monologues as well as appeal to their hiring editors.

After taking a little time off from crackin’ wise about the day’s most dizzying dispatches, I figured there’s no better time to provide the masses with high-quality political haranguing than the holiday season.

All 9 previous volumes of the “Jokes About The News” series are available to read here!

Here are a few scathing-hot takes you can hurl across the Thanksgiving table at your least favorite cousin while you choke down a slice of green bean salad.

MovieMaker is here with some hard-hitting reporting regarding 7 horror remakes nobody really needed.

Claiming the top spot: A genocide at the Gaza Strip!

Biden believes a deal is close to freeing hostages in Gaza.

Unfortunately he also believes his hair’s not thinning, gas is 12 cents a gallon, and it’s still 1959.

George Foreman has revealed his extensive car collection for your viewing pleasure.

And if you think the headlights look good, you need to check out the grilles!

Virginia restaurant which famously kicked out Sarah Huckabee Sanders in 2018 has officially closed its doors.

Turns out she was eating for 10.

A shocking listicle reveals 12 things atheists think happen when you die.

Number 1 is rigor mortis, number 2 is in your pants.

Vladimir Putin has been forced to make a humiliating retreat after taking heavy losses in Ukraine. Or, as Putin calls it: Wednesday.

Man with a 0-day work week suggests 3-day work week.

Alt: Bill Gates applauds the possibility of a 3-day work week, where human beings can rest, and robots can do all the hard work of molesting children on Epstein’s island for him.

Ron DeSantis says nominating Trump in 2024 is high risk and low reward.

Sort of like living in a mosquito-infested swamp full of racist baby boomers just to enjoy the beach and some sunlight.

The Fish and Wildlife Service have plans to remove the Apache trout from the threatened species list.

This news comes after the trout allegedly identified information which could lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.

Legal expert maps out realistic ways Trump can stop all his trials.

I’ve got one expert method in mind as well, and it involves the second amendment.

Ann Coulter skewers ‘illiterate’ Greg Abbott, in a shocking reminder that even a stopped clock can be a stuck-up cunt twice a day.

Related Pieces:

• Gobbles The Turkey Forced To Apologize For Inflammatory Tweets
• I’m Okay With Patriotism, Just Don’t Shove It In My Face

It’s finally that time of year again! Where the leaves turn brown, 12-foot tall skeletons are erected in the yards of Fall fanatics, and mysterious drug pushers who definitely don’t work for the FBI are supplanting standard Halloween treats with innocuously-wrapped dabs of smack.

Luckily for the parents of young children, there seem to be no credible studies which link illicit drugs to Halloween candy, much to the chagrin of financially unstable hop-heads roaming the streets in search of a cheap hit. However, there is still one demographic at high risk for stealthy dosing: Partygoers.

Those looking to engage in intentional drug use this Halloween, to spice up a party with a spooky bump of coke or a few pressed pills’ worth of stool hardener, may find themselves in great danger at the hands of the true surreptitious substance currently enriching billionaires: fentanyl. This hot-dog-water drug equivalent is all over the streets like Drake’s new album, and promises to be just as dangerous for young people everywhere.

If you’re reading this, you’ve almost certainly lost someone in your life to the ubiquitous opioid, or know someone who has, as governmental agencies and pharmaceutical companies have gone out of their way to slip it into every food, drink, and drug they can like artificial sweeteners and empty calories. Before long, parents will be forced to parse every object their children consume down to an atomic level or succumb to daily Narcan sprays in place of traditional allergy meds.

For parents of small children, teaching your fuck-trophies about the importance of checking any individually wrapped item for signs of tampering or contaminants is a smart idea, even if the risk of nougat-covered ‘rainbow fentanyl’ is relatively low. Unfortunately, the real truth of the matter is that your children should be double-checking your rails for signs of instant mashed flakes of fent this Halloween, considering adults 30–39 are dropping like flies from the shit, and without so much as a pleasant sugar-buzz to accompany the demise.

The world of food and drugs has become quite alarming in recent years. But if there’s one thing that certainly won’t be loaded with fentanyl, (and there is one thing that won’t be loaded with fentanyl,) it’s my mailing list! Subscribe to get articles delivered straight to your email, factory sealed and free of charge.

If you’ve recently dug some change out of your couch cushions, you can also hire me via Fiverr to write comedy for you. My work is guaranteed to be laced with nothing but laughs, and maybe some cutting sardonicism.

Parents, Make Sure To Check For Fentanyl In Your Kids’ Halloween Cocaine! was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Returning readers of my riotous ramblings may know that I’m a professional humorist, pop culture columnist, and WGA hopeful, spouting sardonic jabs at the week’s silliest headlines in an effort to both replicate Late Night television monologues as well as appeal to their hiring editors.

Of course, those workers are currently on the front lines picketing for fair treatment and career security, so I’m using my comfortable seated position to crack jokes about the news, and tell AMPTP CEOs like Bob Iger to go fuck themselves.

You can catch the first 8 volumes of the “Jokes About The News” series here!

Let’s dive into the day’s most dizzying dispatches, starting with:

Woman suing Texas over abortion ban refuses to carry her lunch to its full term.

Justice Kavanaugh has been skewered as a “lightweight” in brutal analysis.

“Jokes on you” Kavanaugh said in a rebuttal, “Could a lightweight have had six whiskey sours in the last 20 minutes? Didn’t think so.”

President Biden sparks concerns after reciting his favorite Playboi Carti lyrics during meeting with Israeli President Isaac Herzog.

Leaked emails allege Texas Border Patrol agents were instructed to push migrants into the Rio Grande, even though that prank hasn’t been funny since 1993!

Russian mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin claims Putin’s front is a disgrace.

The military strategist later added “And don’t even get me started on his rear!”

Truckers, UPS workers, and American Airlines employees all appear to be mobilizing with plans to strike this week, just as SAG-AFTRA announced a strike of their own.

“You just can’t write this stuff!” Says local WGA rep.

McDonald’s has announced a major menu change due to looming threats of a McNuggets strike.

More than 1 million Americans are apparently missing.

But are we sure we haven’t checked Ohio?

‘Money Talks News’ has published their list of 11 expenses to cut now if you want to retire early.

The list includes things like avocado toast, Starbucks coffees, and submersible trips to see the Titanic.

Slain man’s murderers claim to be hot on their own trail, and only 26 years too late!

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Some Striking Jokes About This Week’s News was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As we prepare to kill the fitted calf of another Fourth of July, we’re seeing a stern uptick in the unsavory behavior of unfounded patriotism. This ‘holiday’ serves as a stark reminder to us normal folk that a growing population of boorish miscreants are spreading their harmful dogma to everyone around them, including children, and attempting to indoctrinate us with their sinful ways.

Let me be perfectly clear: I have no problem with patriotic people, but your ideology is, quite frankly, disgusting, and shouldn’t be displayed in polite society. Just because you’re proud of your identity as an American, I have to be subjected to seeing that garish flag everywhere I go, all month long?

It’s not enough to just be patriotic quietly? You just have to advertise your identity on beer cans, library shelves, and coffee shops on every block in America? Where does the madness end?

It’s one thing to be outwardly patriotic once a year in parades and other obnoxious displays of your unfounded pride, but now they’re trying to indoctrinate young kids into their cult of capitalist culture with crudely constructed T-shirts sold at major retailers such as Target. I find this revolting, and completely unacceptable!

How exactly am I supposed to explain this to my children? Am I expected to sit them down and say something along the lines of “Sometimes consenting adults agree to do funny things in the privacy of their homes, such as worshipping a ruling class of billionaires which actively does everything within its unimaginable power to further subjugate the working man into the willing exploitation of their labor, offering little more to console the masses than a brief series of colorful explosions in the sky, and the occasional 30% off deal on Prime Day” ?

And for the love of god, can we please keep this deviancy out of our public schools? After all, school is the one place where children should feel safe, all the time, other than the frequent and elaborate active shooter drills and, ideally less frequent active shooter situations.

But there have been more and more reports of public schools flying the American pride flag, indulging the lunacy of young people who claim to be patriotic, as if they’re even old enough to decide that yet, and even allowing military recruiters into the building to allow young children to become exposed to the incredibly harmful military industrial complex which kills thousands of people around the globe each year.

Again, I personally have no problem with patriotism. I accept that unshakable loyalty to ones country is a lifestyle choice that some people have dedicated themselves to, for whatever reason. I even have a few friends who wanted to zip-tie a governor or two in their youth. They grew out of it. But don’t do it in front of me, where I have to see it and acknowledge its existence!

Don’t shoehorn your bizarre and backwards way of thinking into my movies or TV shows by having characters I thought I could root for engaging in your deviancy just to earn brownie points with the crazed minority of flag-wavers, and definitely don’t normalize the existence of your lifestyle in front of my kids!

Children shouldn’t even know that patriotism exists! Children should be forced to feel that, if they find something inside of themselves that makes them think “Hey, I’m a little… different than the other kids. I’m sort of… proud to be an American, or something?” they’ll feel all alone in the world, like they’re the only kid that’s ever felt that way in all of history, forcing them to never fully accept themselves or do what makes them happy.

I just don’t get why that’s so hard to understand?

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I’m Okay With Patriotism, Just Don’t Shove It In My Face was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.