My therapist does not ask me much. She just asks, “How does that make you feel?” This time around she noticed that I have been on a pattern of determination to reach some goals and then stricken down with self-doubt — that I’ve been down this path before and often find myself back here because I prioritised my present self over my future self. She asked, where is that coming from? It was eye-opening. I was selfish but at the cost of my own health!

When do you feel like you’ve been selfish?

I feel I’ve been devilishly selfish when I sneakily took a larger piece of the cake or the last slice of the pizza. When I get more screen time than the other person or when I fill my mouth with an extra square of chocolate when nobody was looking. Or that time when I found a shorter route to finish a trail or when I cancel out plans to go for a walk to do some crafty DIY.

Sometimes, selfishness is the power you have over the situation and what you choose to do with it. Like the power to endlessly scroll through social media instead of securing the dishes, to sit with legs up and watch an episode or two after midnight with a serving of buttered noodles on the side.

I feel like all these times, I’ve been dealt with a better hand than others around me. But is that really the case?

I used to think selfish means you love yourself more. But when I look at the things I do in the name of love, I feel it seems to be tainted with hate. Don’t get me wrong, I love myself but apparently, there’s not enough to Self-love.

Self-love means cutting yourself some slack. But selfish in this sense looks to me like I’m slacking on myself! When Selfish turns into self-sabotage, there’s hardly any place left for love, is there? So, what do you do?

Pick yourself up. Don’t judge. Be aware of the things you’re doing that are not in your best interest and change them one at a time. After all, awareness is half the job, the other half is making sure the awareness happens before you commit the deed and not after. Then all you have to do is stir in some self-control to steer you off into the path of righteousness and hope you stay sane and driven.

So next time you see a platter of desserts, be selfish and have the thinnest sliver and maybe go for a walk after?

There’s this app I am trying out to help me form better habits. They have these daily affirmation posts. Yesterday’s one read something like – Start to distinguish between urgent and important. It is true, tending to the urgent will tend to your day, but tending to the important will nourish your life.

Fabulous app

Habit forming baffles me. If we humans are inherently selfish, shouldn’t we all be better at taking care of ourselves?

There was also another point on using the “deathbed clause” – if you were on your deathbed would you be happy about this activity you’re doing? Looking past the moroseness of this question, I looked around me, I was in my PJs, watching yet another episode on Netflix on my couch after a very sweet and Fanta float with certainly under quoted calories wondering about my dying self not approving.

What did I do? I closed the app and continued to finish my episode. Tomorrow will come. Surprise!! it is today. 🙃

…When I learnt naming your demons is a thing!

This morning, I read this:

Research from UCLA found when we name feelings like grief, anger, and pain, we actually change how they impact our brain.

There’s only one ghost movie I’ve ever seen, that too out of a dare. I believe life’s already messed up and spooky as is to add another layer of complication.

Anyways, I’ve heard “you cannot heal what you cannot feel” many times but this line. “naming the feeling” struck me as rather clearer. The ghost movie I saw was the prequel of Conjuring – I’m guessing Annabelle, I’m in no mood to google and verify and relive the memory. In this particular movie, the exorcist’s primary task was to research and find out the name of the ghost. He says calling the ghost by its name weakens it. Rather too similar don’t you think? Facing your demon is one but calling out your demon by its name apparently weakens the hold it has on you.

Food for thought and possible experimentations. I’ll keep you posted!