DIESEL- the iconic Italian apparel brand- has long been one of the most instrumental forces in shaping counterculture globally. Its iconic satirical sketches have spoken about such issues as gay rights and racism, long before it was fashionable to do so. It has always appealed to the misunderstood and the quirky, both in product and in message and in doing so, they have attained a lot of credibility among their believers.

So, when DIESEL unveiled its new campaign film for #GoWithTheFlaw at Beijing recently, the believers got up and listened.

I hit up YouTube first, and those words that they used to introduce the film intrigued me. Here was a global corporation, in an industry that works 18 months ahead of schedule, no less, and where every move is scrutinized and deliberated, deigning its audience (and the world) to embrace uncertainty.

The film itself is a piece of art. It’s directed by Francois Rousselet, the man behind music videos for such artists as the Rolling Stones, Madonna and even Snoop Dogg and he has done justice by it. Publicis’ Italian subsidiary have conceived the campaign, and the genius of their vision is articulated beautifully by the film.

The film opens in a young film maker’s grungy dark room, where he is working with pre-digital era film on the edit table. Diesel’s industrial aesthetic is all over these images. It then cuts to a shot of a fashionable young man waking up at the edge of a destroyed bridge in what is seemingly post- apocalypse New York City. It is a grim scene on the bridge with abandoned cars and other signs of abandonment everywhere. But instead of being distraught at this vision of apocalyptic doom, this man breaks into a joyful dance to the tune of the beautiful accompanying score- Edith Piaf’s Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.

This is followed up by more joyful images of people in working class environments, set presumably in the aftermath of destruction. Images which must be dull and forgettable because of their context are brightened up by the people in them, armed only with their exuberance and spirit. These people all seem conventionally attractive at first but the film eventually reveals their ‘perceived flaws’ and the confidence with which they wear them.

These ‘warriors of humanity’ are all shown to be headed somewhere, expressing their personalities fearlessly and confidently along the way. They all wear their flaws like armor, as they stand out in sharp contrast to their drab surroundings. The apocalypse that we all fear somewhere in our hearts is depicted almost as a utopia. These joyful people all converge eventually to the site of the original awakening, atop NYC buses and other public transport bringing with them an air of defiance and triumph. It’s also revealed to be the year 2029 in what is a very well shot sequence.

The film then cuts to the original scene of the filmmaker, excitedly pressing his finished film and plugging it into the retro equipment to have his first look at it. The filmmaker is himself revealed to be blind in one eye, a revelation which sets the entire narrative in perspective. The film trails off with the brand’s logo and message, For Successful Living ironically staring at us in the TV screen.

This is as powerful a message as any that DIESEL has relayed to the world recently. We are all riddled with flaws, and the resulting insecurities only serve to weigh the human race down. DIESEL calls for the brave among us to fight these manufactured flaws and rise. To rise in unison against the common enemy which all of us face every single day. Our other self. Our shadow. And to defeat it by accepting it and embracing our flaws as our own.

This concept is dealt with in one of the latest Rick and Morty episodes called ‘Rest and Ricklaxation (S7E6)’, where Rick and Morty are separated from their ‘toxic selves’ and resultantly, become weaker rather than stronger- Rick feebly unable to resist his humanity, and Morty unable to rein in his ego and high self esteem. They both realize that they needed their ‘toxic’ or ‘flawed’ parts and that they are complete only when they embrace them.

The rest of the campaign leads us to the website and social media pages where DIESEL really fleshes out this thought with hauntingly beautiful images which celebrate imperfection and the capacity for joyfulness imbibed within the human spirit. The copy is smart and direct, and it even rhymes. Way to embrace flaws!

DIESEL has also done some clever topical activations as an extension to this campaign. Stuff like this wonderfully ballsy hoarding which features one of Jim Carrey’s quotes from his ‘unhinged’ interview on the NYFW red carpet stands out.

Jim Carrey is ironically the perfect choice of icon to represent the relevance of this campaign. Formerly a global heartthrob, Jim, who has had a few rough years of late, was projected by the mainstream media as a mad man after this incident, in an effort to hurt his credibility. This was presumably because Jim had the courage to follow his instincts and to bravely share his imperfect, but heartfelt and deeply personal perspective with the world. His only fault- that his perspective was at odds with our commonly accepted view of reality.

He was a heretic. Yet another Hollywood superstar losing his mind. The pages wrote themselves. The Joker had arrived.

But the People embraced him. They understood that his ideas were sound, and that the media was coloring their perspective with its bias. Jim had unwittingly articulated their rage and given voice to their frustration at the charade of insignificance that surrounded them. They felt him. Jim was now a hero. The ballsiest man alive.

But most importantly, he was free. Free from the burden of having to give a fuck. He had broken through the barrier of social judgement and emerged triumphant by having the courage to express his own complex and deeply flawed perspective.

And so must each of us.

#Flawless is Forgettable. Perfection is boring.

Roll with what you got, even though it’s not real.

Find a little bravery to wear your flaws with pride.

Their words, not mine.

#GoWithTheFlaw was originally published in HUGE Fish Mag on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

This excerpt from Sardar Patel’s speech (given purportedly as part of the Quit India movement) hides quietly in a corner on the #newindia website. This snazzy website is plastered otherwise with pictures of Mahatma Gandhi from the Quit India movement accompanied by some choice quotes by the man. Yet, if there is one quote that encapsulates the spirit of this new movement which all Indians have been invited to be a part of, it is this one by Sardar Patel. Apart from the Mahatma, Patel is the only other historical figure to receive any prime quote display space on the website. So, one can only conclude that this quote must be of at least some importance.

But first, let’s focus on the movement itself. The New India movement is clearly inspired by the Quit India Movement, which Gandhi himself spearheaded 5 years before Independence and one which was deemed highly effective in driving the colonial British out of India. The government wants us to work together as a nation to fight the many evils of poverty, corruption, terrorism, communalism, casteism, and filth as outlined in its manifesto. It aims to rid the nation of these evils by 2022, as lofty an ambition as any.

The movement also has a fancy name- Sankalp se Siddhi Tak- From Consecration to Enlightenment, or simply, the journey from the discovery of purpose to its eventual achievement. The usage of high Sanskrit vernacular in the name helps root the movement to the idea of India the ruling party wishes to propagate- one which embraces it’s ancient “Hindu” heritage, identity and even perspective. The New India pledge extols people to strive together in “spirit and soul” to achieve it’s objectives. There is even a song sung by a multitude of artists- both old and new which showcases the transition the movement is trying to accomplish and represent. Such metaphor. Much Wow.

Before we get critical about the actual structure of the communication, it would be useful to understand the intention and rationale behind using this kind of “Movement Marketing” approach. So, what are movements? Well, movements are defined as communities with an active purpose, not just to share something but to come together to achieve more. Sounds innocuous enough, but how does a movement build a brand? It does so by aligning itself with an idea that is rising culturally. It articulates the idea more clearly, acting as a catalyst to bring people together and get involved.

So which rising ideas does this movement wish to align itself with? Clearly, the nationalist ideal is being pushed fervently. But there are deeper, more insidious ideas too. There is the “do or die” rhetoric- to push yourself to the limit in the service of this shared ideal- a metaphor for extremism. There is also the “Quit India” inspiration, another metaphor for extremism against “anti-national” elements when combined with the nationalism ideal. The manifesto also creates enemies for the people to fight, thereby articulating the rage of the common man against decades of neglect, exploitation and inequality. There is a kernel of truth at the centre, but it is surrounded by layers of metaphor for more insidious ideas which must be investigated thoroughly by anyone who wishes to sign this pledge.

This is a call for radicalization. To get behind the “good” people in government and drive away the “evil” opposing forces responsible for the destruction of our beloved “nation”. Make them pay for their sins. The timing is also curious. It assumes that the government will retain power in 2019 as the people are striving to achieve the objectives of the movement by 2022. It’s the classic distraction. So yes, it’s violent and presumptuous too.

But hey, you must remain “unafraid of death”- be ready to kill yourself for our stupid ideas. “Forget your quarrels”- Let the oppressed forget their years of oppression and brace themselves for new age oppression. To the masses, what is being offered under the guise of freedom is actually a new form of servitude.

But is it at least better and more respectable for them? Well, in this case, maybe. The Indian people have been driven to such a level of desperation for ‘good governance’ that they are clutching at straws for somebody, anybody to show them even small perceptible change. The government could win the next election on “belief” alone if it can make people believe that they truly are building a collective dream.

So what if it’s a little twisted. It’s better than nothing. At least that’s what people think.

What does the #newindia movement really stand for? was originally published in HUGE Fish Mag on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Now, book reviews are tricky. Traditionally, they are designed to set reader expectations on the experience that awaits them if they choose to invest their time and resources consuming a piece of art. However, people tend to react to art differently, and what I would like to present under the guise of a review, is actually an analysis of the world that Cline has created and the ideas that his characters represent.

Disclaimers out of the way, this is a book filled to the brim with 80s nostalgia, a personal homage from the writer to his childhood that he has very cleverly woven into his plot. I believe this book’s true power lies in the moments of nostalgia it is capable of triggering in a generation of people that treasure their past.

Each of us has has the feeling that the world is going to shit, and that things are just not how they used to be. Those of us over 30 have seen a very different world from the one that exists today, and there is a special place in our heart for what were “simpler times”. It is this human quirk that this book taps into as it presents a dystopian version of the world in the year 2044, one ravaged by nuclear war, poverty and corporate greed. The residents of this world seek nothing more than to escape it as they lie clustered together in trailer parks and make shift homes, feeding off government handouts and the remnants of destroyed cities and towns.

The world describes two types of people: older ones with drug problems living out their sorry existence as thieves and lay abouts in the real world; and younger ones who are plugged in to a matrix like alternate virtual reality called the OASIS, designed by two genius programmers called James Halliday and Ogden Morrow. OASIS is a free-to-access VR utopia where people can lead lives of value, purpose and plenty. It gives the poor and hungry masses access to education, jobs and entertainment which distracts them from the harshness of their reality. It is the opium of the masses.

It is obvious how influenced the narrative is from the Back to the future trilogy, as it superimposes the past and the future while trying to appeal to the present. This suspends the reader in an interesting ‘duality’, a concept that is at the heart of this piece.

The book uses conflict to induce duality in myriad ways. Sometimes it comforts the reader with nostalgia and escapism, all within a context of destruction and exploitation. It gives them the opportunity to relive the adrenaline rushes that came with playing their favorite games and watching their favorite classic movies. Meanwhile, it sneakily opens up a portal to many potentially painful questions about their upbringing. It helps its readers question their realities, and to remain entertained and engaged as they go about doing so. At the end, it reaffirms the reader’s belief in humanity’s ability to overcome challenges and survive, even when pitted against its biggest enemy, itself.

This song is about hope. And Survival. It is also about survival.

The hero of the piece is an 18 year old boy named Wade, an orphan from Columbus, Ohio who lives with his aunt and her boyfriend in their trailer park. Wade’s objective reality is a shit pile with no prospects or meaningful relationships- his aunt only keeps him around so that she can leech on his government issue food coupons. He has no friends, apart from a sweet old neighbor lady who represents the only shred of positive humanity in his “real” life. His only real world skill that has any value whatsoever is his ability to fix old computers and electronic devices. He trades these devices for food coupons and/or favors that help him survive his dire circumstances as he goes about on his quest in the OASIS as a low life avatar called Parzival. His only real purpose- finding Halliday’s virtual easter egg.

James Halliday is the genius, but eccentric creator of OASIS and the hallowed ringmaster of the circus. He is also a successful businessman worth many billions of dollars and is worshipped as a God by the masses. The book opens with Wade’s memories of the day of Halliday’s demise- the day he reveals his Easter egg to the world from beyond his grave. Halliday dies without a heir, and in true gamer style, he intends to give up his estate, and the keys to the OASIS to only the one who can prove himself to be worthy of it, by his own definition. He sets up an elaborate trivia based challenge for all of Oasis to resolve, and gives out the first clues to every one who will listen, which is everyone. This triggers a wave of global hysteria to find the egg, and it soon becomes the single most coveted thing in the world, spawning a legion of Egg Hunters, or Gunters. These Gunters soon take over popular culture, and the 80s come back around. It’s Halliday Fever.

IOI is an evil corporation intent on world domination (Big Reveal). It’s a conglomerate that controls practically everything in the real world that Cline describes and it instantly recognizes the value of controlling even the last refuge of humanity, OASIS. It has plans to monetize the OASIS to make escape a commodity that can be used to exercise absolute and total control. To do so, it creates a crack team of research experts, hackers and sell sword gunters and instantly homogenizes them. Think Agent Smith from the Matrix. IOI is the anti-hero of the piece, and its human face is Nolan Sorrento, Chief of Operations- the hatchet man.

The narrative also explores several other dualities like friendship and mistrust, privacy and disinformation, love and its absence, honor and shame etc. in the dual context of the real and virtual worlds. It does so by introducing conflict between Parzival and his supporting cast of characters- his love interest, Art3mis, a super smart, nerd girl archetype who is also an influential blogger; Aech, his best friend and owner of the chat room the top gunters hang out in, is another pivotal character who engineers a big plot reveal.

Then, there are Daito and Shoto, genius Japanese Samurai who seem like brothers in the virtual world but have actually never met back in real world Japan. There is also Og, Halliday’s former business partner who represents the wizard or the magician archetype. Og shows up and plays an important role connecting the dots and providing much needed perspective and guidance to the young gunters as they fight for their lives against IOI in both the real and virtual worlds.

The journey is long and full of terrors, but Parzival aka Wade eventually triumphs only when he gets the gunters to work together to take down the clone IOI army. in doing so, Parzival learns many important lessons and gives up on his once cherished dream of finding a new planet for himself and his close friends to escape to, in lieu of helping Art3mis save the real world and it’s people with the booty from Halliday’s payout. This change in Parzival’s outlook is an allegory for the change that Cline believes is imperative for each of our journeys if we are to collectively save the world from ourselves.

Cline is a gifted storyteller who manages to retain a vibrant, upbeat vibe while telling a tale of near complete human annihilation. The conflict he creates is so meta, even the narrative is afflicted by it. I for one do not envy the job that Spielberg has on its hands when it comes to shrinking this expansive book into a 120 minute movie. If he pulls it off, this movie could re-define the future of humanity and VR. Even if he doesn’t, it would still make a cool movie. It’s difficult to fuck up the 80s too badly, especially if you’ve contributed to half of it.

Ready, Player One? was originally published in HUGE Fish Mag on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Apart from being a real estate developer and a prominent reality TV star, President Donald had done nothing of consequence until he miraculously rode a wave of white nationalism to become the 45th President of the US of A. And now, he’s busy making it great again.

We asked him a few questions about how he was going about the task and the effect it was having on his family and on world politics in general. We also sneaked in a few questions on how he perceived India and what he thinks is his role in the new post-real world.

We sent our questionnaire to donald@gmail.com , donald.trump@gmail.com, thedonald@gmail.com, and also to Instagram handle pussy_grabber via text message. The questionnaire has been specially developed by our HugeFishMag team of writers with a proprietary predictive algorithm to analyze the Donald’s answers, resolve his doubts, and then ask relevant follow-up questions. Donald replied within an hour and the conversation sounds so much like him that we decided not to bother with verification or any of that gross shit.

We explained the workings of the predictive algorithm based questionnaire to the President in a separate e-mail sent to all 3 e-mail accounts. We are publishing the transcript of the entire conversation the alleged President Donald had with our chat bot below.

Q: President Donald, Thank you for speaking to Huge Fish Mag. We are an alt-humor magazine based out of India and we are delighted that you have decided to devote an hour of your time, in the midst of a hurricane, no less, to answering some questions for our devoted prospective readers. This is Huge.

A: I just know this is going to be Huge. I just love that word. HUGE. Everything in life should be Huge. Massive. Gigantic. Those are the best words. I truly have the best words.

Q: Err…Yes Sir, It is truly a Huge honor for us to get some exclusive time with you, the President of the USA. Some would say it would be almost impossible for a theoretical magazine like ours to interview someone of your stature.

A: Nothing is beneath me. I love all alt-things. Can’t be worse than Breitbart now, can it?

Q: Sir, you do understand that this is a questionnaire designed with a predictive algorithm to answer any questions that you may have for us. Don’t you?

A: Understood. Apart from the algorithm bit. I am a business major, you see.

Q: But my follow-up questions may become unpredictable and unconnected from the narrative if your answers are too divergent.

A: Understood most of that. But can you be more casual in your questioning. You can call me Donald.

Q: Great then Donald, let’s stop asking rhetorical questions and dive straight in. How’s making America Great Again going for you?

A: Oh! It’s going to be Huge. America is going to be so Great. Four years from now, you’re going to come to me and say,” OMG Donald! We always knew it was going to be big, but we never expected it to be this HUGE.” You wait for it.

Q: But it’s been almost 8 months since you’ve been President. Surely, you must have something intelligible to add without using platitudes like Great and Huge.?

A: Great and Huge are not platitudes. Firstly, I don’t understand how a questionnaire is proving to be this hard. Can’t I just answer the tough questions with N/A? Secondly, I don’t understand what platitudes are.

Q: Yes, you can answer up to 5 questions with N/A beyond which we will have to switch to a sub optimal IQ level for my AI. This is a questionnaire designed in a predictive manner to account for your stupidity. Secondly, Platitudes are remarks or statements, especially ones with a moral content, that have been used too often to still be interesting or thoughtful.

A: N/A

Q: Moving on, what do you think you bring to the table when it comes to making America Great again?

A: It’s all about my brand, you know. Like, the brand is everything. The Donald’s brand today stands for unreserved opulence, bigotry and sexual deviance. These are values that are deeply prevalent in American culture today. And in order to make America great, these values must also become great again. I am the dark side. I am Darth Vader.

Q: Wow, that’s the most sense you’ve made. What do you say to people who call you an orange faced clown?

A: I am Darth Vader.

Q: That’s actually quite an admission. Many have alleged Steve Bannon was the real Darth Vader in the White House?

A: Steve was dark. So Dark. Very Dark. But he was nowhere near as dark as me. I am the dark lord. He’s like Obi-Wan Kenobi or something.

Q: Which characters from Star Wars most resemble your family?

A: N/A

Q: I must remind you that there’s a 5 N/A limit beyond which I will be forced to ask the same questions over again. Is that Understood?

A: Understood

Q: Great, Donald. Now tell me, did you or anyone in your family collude with the Russians?

A: I haven’t seen Star Wars.

Q: What? Why did you claim to have seen it then? And why are you answering a question about Russian Collusion with that?

A: I have seen Game of Thrones.

Q: Ok Donald. Let’s leave the Russia questions for later. Who do you think resembles which Game of Thrones character in your family?

A: What I like about Game of Thrones is that it’s about family, you know. Like the powerful families fight amongst themselves to be the most powerful, which is really what a democracy like ours is all about. And I am King. So I am whoever is King, And my family is the most powerful, OK. Like I am a Lannister. OK. So I am like Tywin Lannister if he was King, which he totally was by the way, let me tell you.

Q. Great, so you are Tywin Lannister if he was king?

A: Actually, no. I am Jaime. I am totally Jaime. We have the same hair.

Q: So, you are Jaime Lannister and Melania is Cersei?

A: Yes. She is so beautiful.

Q: So your real life wife is really like your in-show twin sister with whom you had an incestuous relationship to produce 3 children out of wedlock whilst she was still married to another man, whom you were sworn to protect?

A: Woah! Spoiler Alert, weirdo. Jaime and Cersei are twins. Wow!

Q: Sounds messed up. Let’s move on from this. Who do you think is Ivanka?

A: Ivanka is my daughter who is going to rule after me. So she must be that dragon girl.

Q: Daenerys Targaryen?

A: Yes.

Q: But she is the daughter of the mad king. Are you the mad king?

A: I am all kings.

Q: Don’t you think it’s a little narcissist to believe that you are all Kings?

A: I am the song of Ice, Gold and Fire.

Q: What about the King in the North?

A: KING IN DA NORF

Q: Are you also the King in the North?

A: I am KING IN DA NORF

Q: So you think you resemble the character who just had sex with the character you said your daughter most resembles on the show?

A: Oh, yes. Big reveal, right? I love that episode. So Good. I mean, so good. But they don’t know they’re related, right? If I didn’t know Ivanka was my daughter and she came riding a dragon and helped me out while I was stuck in Alaska or something, I would totally bang her.

Q: You would have sex with your daughter?

A: If she had a dragon, sure. And if I ever went to Alaska.

Q: And what about your wife?

A: She doesn’t need a dragon. Also, Steve Bannon is totally like Varys, that gross eunuch person. Coz he doesn’t have any balls.

Q: What about Mitch McConnell?

A: Never heard of him.

Q: He’s the head of your party in congress, I think

A: Oh, Turtle Head. He’s like that fat nerdy guy who’s always studying but is always late to everything. He hates women too. And sick people. He totally hates sick people.

Q: Samwell Tarly?

A: I don’t know any side kicks’ names.

Q: What about Vladimir Putin? Which character is he like?

A: Actually, Putin should be KING IN DA NORF, shouldn’t he? He likes riding horses and all that.

Q: There is an argument to be made that he truly is Lord Commander of the Wall.

A: It’s going to be a great wall. Huge. So Huge.

Q: Did your children collude with Russia in the lead up to the election?

A: N/A

Q: Donald, do you know what collusion is?

A: Of course. It’s when two cars come together and go bing bing bong bong bing.

Q: No, Donald. That is a collision you are describing, I think. Collusion means an illegal conspiracy hatched for the purpose of deception.

A: Bing Bing Bong Bong.

Q: Alright, let’s stay away from the Russia stuff. Let’s move on to India, where HUGE is based and has millions of prospective readers. What are your views on Narendra Modi?

A: Namastey readers! I love all of you. Modi is so good. The Best, you know. Just the best. Like all Indians actually. You know they love me in India. They love him too. But they love me almost as much as they love him, maybe even a little more. You know they named a village after me?

Q: Yes Donald. It’s a small village in Haryana. Would you like to visit Haryana?

A: I would love to visit but villages are gross. Like the White House, you know. It’s just not how men should live. In fact, we are building this beautiful tower in Mumbai. 76 stories, super premium everything. Everyone in India should move there.

Q: There are 1.3 billion Indians, Donald?

A: We can always build more towers. I have the best builders, believe me.

Q: Any thoughts on the Kashmir issue?

A: It’s just like the Israel and Palestine thing, isn’t it? I think it can be solved if you know, Jared works on it.

Q: So, Is Jared now in charge of conflicts in South Asia as well as the Middle East?

A: Yes, of course. Jared is in charge of all Arab conflicts.

Q: India is not an Arab country, Donald.

A: Yeah, but you guys all look the same. Apart from your poor people I think, they look like Africans.

Q: I sense racism. What do Africans look like?

A: Poor Indian People.

Q: What are your views on the Chinese?

A: I love saying China. CHIIIIINA. They are very important in the world today. HUGELY important, even. So important. Great cake.

Q: What cake?

A: North Korea

Q: What about North Korea?

A: Terrific Korea. The Best Korea. Great weapons.

Q: But you said recently that they would be met with “Fire and Fury” if they continued their aggression?

A: Oh! That’s just some friendly posturing between Kim and I. He’s a good kid. Great kid. Just like his father. Great father.

Q: Alright, Donald. Let’s now focus on the important question: What are your views on Muslims?

A: I think they are terrific people. Just the handsomest and the best beards. Great Beards.

Q: Wait, so you don’t hate muslims?

A: No, of course not. I have a muslim friend.

Q: Who?

A: Barack is a friend. Also, Saddam was a friend. O.J? Is he black or is he muslim? Well, either…or.

Q: Alright, next question: Are you mentally deranged?

A: N/A

Q: I must remind you that is the last N/A permissible and all further questions must now be answered in earnest. Do you copy, Donald?

A: Yes, Boss

Q: What are your views on white supremacists?

A: I think they’re terrific people. And great hats. The best hats.

Q: Black Lives Matter?

A: Terrific people. Great Colour. Just the best color. So Great.

Q: What do you say to yourself in the mirror each morning?

A: You’ve got this, Donald. You have the best hair. Great Hair.

Q: Anything else?

A: Nice ass too. Great ass. The best ass.

Q: Are you an ass man or a tit person, Donald?

A: I am an asshole. So that makes me a dick person or a shit person depending on which way you swing. It’s the only thing that I knew I would surely be when I grew up, an asshole. Everyone knew it.

Q: How do you live with yourself?

A: I don’t. I live with Melania. She’s a beauty, isn’t she? So Beautiful. The only me time I get is when I am on the toilet seat. Great seat. So much Gold.

Q: Is that when you tweet?

A: Of course. I work only when I shit. Other times, I delegate. Apart from interviews, you know. Which is why I like this interview coz’ I can take a shit and give an interview at the same time.

Q: So you’ve been taking a shit all this while?

A: Best place to hide from the hurricane. Wonder why those folks in Florida don’t just go take a shit while the hurricane passes them over. Screw them! They’re probably too old to take a shit anyway. Great hurricane by the way. Just the best. And great KFC too.

Q: I don’t think I should keep you here any longer, Donald. The country does seem to need you?

A: Ah! They’ll figure it out. They always do. Nothing an old lard arse like me can do to help. I am here to rule, not to mule as they say.

Q: Nobody says that.

A; Well, I say that.

Q: Thank you, Donald. This interview is going to be HUGE.

A: I AM A RULER, NOT A …What rhymes with Ruler?

Q: Drooler?

A: But I do drool at my KFC. I got it. I AM A RULER, NOT A COOLER.

Q: You got to be cool before you get cooler, so yes, you definitely aren’t a cooler.

A: N/A

Q: Fuck you, Donald.

Spoiler alert: This is probably fake news.

HUGE Interview with The Donald. was originally published in HUGE Fish Mag on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.