A Life of Fear and Vigilance Under the Eye of the Oath Keepers

Only a “gaslighting bubble” can prepare you for what happens when your father becomes a ringleader of the right-wing militia movement largely responsible for the January 6th insurrection. And that is precisely the story Dakota Adams shares about his father, Elmer Stewart Rhodes, in this episode of The Gaslight Effect Podcast.

I had the privilege of sitting down with Dakota some time ago and wanted to share his story more widely here as an important example of gaslighting in a climate of sociopolitical unrest. He brings us into the heart of an extraordinary journey through gaslighting to eventual escape. Dakota, whose father was the founder of the Oath Keepers and a pivotal figure in the resurgence of the national militia movement, navigates a narrative that is as enlightening as it is heart-wrenching.

Dakota began our discussion by opening a window into his upbringing. The oldest of six siblings, Dakota’s life was marked by confinement in what he termed a “gaslighting bubble” where the lines between vigilance and fear, family loyalty and isolation, blur. As he described it, he was raised “in the second phase revival of the constitutional militia movement after it collapsed following the Oklahoma City bombings.” These groups were known as the Oath Keepers and the 3%, and his childhood was steeped in the ideologies of anti-government sentiments and a right-wing libertarian philosophy that married marketing with zealot-like fervor.

He vividly recalls formative years dominated by the belief of an ever-imminent economic collapse and societal decay. This was a worldview reinforced at every turn — from dinner table conversations with his extremely short-fused father to the so-called educational outings that doubled as training sessions in situational awareness. This upbringing instilled a sense of superiority but at a tremendous cost — profound isolation and a skewed perception of the world as a perpetual battleground.

Dakota spoke of these experiences at length: “We trained in situational awareness all the time. We went on walks with the dogs. It would be a contest to see who could spot another person first. And the rule was you had to be constantly training to make sure that you saw everybody else you encountered out in the world before they noticed you… [We] always had to check corners, always had to be sitting facing a door, always had to know where every exit was to a building in case a street shooter came in. It was daily; it was constant.”

Through Dakota’s eyes, we see the intense pressure to conform to a predefined set of beliefs and behaviors. He details a life in which dissent was seen as a betrayal, fear as a means of control, and every day was a rehearsal for survival in a world perceived to be on the brink of chaos.

But it wasn’t just these daily practices that were emblematic of Dakota’s childhood; it was also the smugness of the group’s overall worldview. Those who could not see the coming financial collapse and chaos were deemed to be “willfully ignorant.” Dakota noted their arrogance well, “That ideological filter had been pre-installed for me to see through a lens of being in a superior, more realistic subculture to the rest of the world who were dooming themselves by not being the way that we were.“

Yet, it is in Dakota’s journey towards self-liberation that we find the promise of new beginnings. His path to autonomy and a healthier worldview began with questioning the very foundations upon which his life was built — the coming Apocalypse. Dakota began to doubt “the existence of the new world order and the entire conspiracy theory framework I’d been living under. To begin to see Stewart’s behavior as self-defeating paranoia and to begin to question the entire system… It all started to fall apart once the outside world wasn’t all just tentacles of a monolithic conspiracy.”

Fortunately for Dakota, circumstances eventually turned in his favor. Dakota was able to join up “as a last minute replacement onto a contract brush fire engine for my first paying job outside of Oath Keepers.” As he described it, securing employment outside the group’s influence marked the first step towards independence, a leap of faith into a world he had been taught to fear and distrust.

Dakota’s courage to challenge the narrative he was born into and his determination to forge a new future, for himself and as an example for others, is both inspiring and a call to action. It underscores the importance of critical thinking, and the value of questioning inherited beliefs.

It soon became clear that Dakota’s story was not just a personal memoir of overcoming. It is a reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of inner strength, determination, and resolve. Ultimately, Dakota has shared a stirring reflection on the effects of gaslighting in its most extreme forms as well as the promise of healing and hope.

Now, both Dakota and I know the journey is nowhere near finished. Every day he faces the pain of his past and seeks to live as normal a life as possible while still recovering from the extremism he escaped.

Yet, the conclusion of this episode provides the most moving moment of all in which Dakota states his courageous determination to use his experiences to raise awareness and support socially conscious causes, even his intention to run for local office! Dakota’s journey from the depths of indoctrination to a place of self-awareness and advocacy is a powerful account of resilience. It offers insights and inspiration to us all.

Stuck Inside a Cult or Recovering from a Gaslighting Relationship?

You can learn more about all the many forms of gaslighting on The Gaslight Effect Podcast.

You can also identify if you are a part of a pattern of emotional or relationship abuse involving gaslighting and pull yourself out of that dynamic with the help of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide, an interactive workbook that will help you reclaim your reality.

Co-authored by Hannah Husain. Hannah is a Senior at The Spence School in New York City. Her areas of interest and research include topics such as: Gaslighting, Bilingual Brains, Connections Between Language and Mannerisms and Mood Disorders.

“Hey Google, what is gaslighting?”

In the United States, this is the definition people asked for more than any other in 2023. At 130,000 searches per month, gaslighting is fully embedded in the 21st century zeitgeist, nudging its way into nearly every sphere of popular conversation. It is evident that we seek an answer to the ominous, omnipresent question: Am I being gaslighted?

For teens, a subset of the population, among the most susceptible and vulnerable to the influence of others, this term — its use and misuse — is especially important. And reading a snapshot of a conversation with Hannah Husain, a teenager herself, we learn why it is so critical for teens to spot and stop gaslighting in its tracks. And critical for parents to talk to their teens about gaslighting and also to check in with themselves to be sure their own predilections and/or fears are not pushing them into gaslighting communications.

Hannah, a high school senior, is based in New York and is keenly interested in understanding gaslighting dynamics. Hannah has studied and written on the topic of gaslighting in the life of teenagers. She is a two-time guest on The Gaslight Effect podcast. Her first episode generated so much interest that we asked her to come back and her new episode will launch this week .What follows is a dialogue reflective of parts of few conversations we had, in between podcasts. The dialogue is edited for clarity of concepts.

The 21st Century Teen: A Perfect Storm for Gaslighting

RS: Hannah, we know it’s tough, really tough, being a teen today. With or without gaslighting, we both know that teenagers have been tasked with dodging a worldwide pandemic only to battle an epidemic of loneliness amid the rise of social media, socioeconomic unrest, and artificial intelligence over the last few years. Add gaslighting into the mix and what does this mean for the psychological safety of teens like yourself?

HH: When it comes to gaslighting, or emotional abuse where one person is manipulating another, I believe no one is safe — teens included. Maybe especially teens. But, I have noticed that the experiences of teenage gaslighting can look different than ‘typical’ gaslighting in a relationship. I want to tell people about it — because parents and sisters and brothers of teens can sometimes help the person being gaslighted too.

Maybe we don’t have an emotionally abusive partner who warps our reality and gets us to believe it’s good to cut-off family and friends but friends I have spoken to sometimes do experience gaslighting because — for example — their mom or dad or guardian — don’t want them to make a certain decision. For instance, my friend’s mom who was anxious tried to sway her daughter towards a certain decision by trash-talking her friends and putting down her daughter’s judgment. Her mom did not realize that after a while of the gaslighting messages, she undermined Natalie’s confidence in her ability to make choices. I witnessed just that with my friend feeling badly about herself, second guessing her decisions, and I wrote about it.

Gaslighting for teens can also look like an uncomfortable interaction with a friend who is suddenly lying to you and saying you don’t remember clearly. It happened to me and I wrote about that too — a friend lied about her opinion of shoes someone was wearing (she told me she liked them in the morning and then suddenly when someone very popular dissed them, she lied about her own opinion to a larger group of our friends to look ‘cool’ to them). Then when I said I was confused because she liked the shoes that morning, she told me that she never said that. I left that interaction doubting what I remembered. But this turned out, when I walked away, to be a great moment to learn how to identify gaslighting attempts.

RS: Just like we talked about together in my podcast The Gaslight Effect, gaslighting can show up differently in different relationships and with different personality styles. And that is precisely why it’s important to tell our readers what teen gaslighting can look like. I would love to hear more of your thoughts about why gaslighting is so prevalent for your friends and other teens you interact with in school and online.

HH: There is only so much control that any teenager I know has over their everyday decisions when under the roof and rules of their parents or guardians. So, my friends and I push the boundaries — we all want more independence and power to make decisions. This is often when I have seen gaslighting come in. Gaslighting happens in a power dynamic in which one person (our parent!) asserts their dominance — and, we teens can find ourselves either the gaslightee or gaslighter. We can sometimes be the gaslighters too — just to gain control of a decision or opinion.

Although not all gaslighting scenarios are very serious and do not all have a long-term impact, gaslighting should not be minimized. Trusting our own judgment is so important — and, when parents undermine our reality and make us unsure of what we think and feel (like what happened to my friend in the above example) that messes with our minds.

Influence v. Gaslighting

RS: Right, and this is when it becomes critical to understand the difference between influence and gaslighting. Can you explain what this difference looks like for you as a teenager when influence (and influencers) are everywhere? How do you know if something or someone is actually gaslighting you?

HH: Lack of understanding, for me or my friends and I guess among people of all ages, has inspired much confusion around what gaslighting is and isn’t. It’s become what I have heard some people call a “fuzzy word”, meaning it’s sometimes not clear. Just disagreeing with someone is not gaslighting. When there is space in a relationship to disagree (“I don’t think it happened that way.”) versus no space (“I know for a fact it did not happen that way.”) then you are stating your opinion. When someone tries a number of ways to influence you, (“Everyone is seeing that movie…C’mon, everyone said we will love it and it’s going to win an Oscar — definitely need to see that”) that’s not gaslighting. However, when someone (as a teen or to a teen) states their version of what happened as the only version, the only reality, and there is something wrong with you if you don’t agree (“Of course you don’t want to see that movie, you are terrible at picking the winners — same as your shitty judgment about other things — you remember, don’t you?”) then that’s gaslighting.

Gaslighting: What To Watch For

RS: Hannah, thank you. While influence is inevitable, gaslighting is not. As a teen or someone close to one, there are certainly strategies for maintaining a gaslight-free life. What advice or tips do you have for navigating the treacherous grounds of teenage gaslighting?

HH: I am so glad that you and your colleagues at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence talk about becoming an emotion scientist and checking in with your emotions often. I have been doing that more and more and it’s so important. I am now even more curious about my feelings and those of others. I think it’s important to be inquisitive — even about your own feelings. Ask questions. I believe when you do that your friend and family relationships will be healthier and not as likely to be vulnerable to gaslighting.

Also, listen for reality twisting tactics. If you find yourself saying or hearing phrases such as “You did not do that” (when they did) or “That definitely did not happen” (when it did) or “I never said that — you have the worst memory!” (to avoid someone else hearing something embarrassing about you often) pause and consider the intentions at play. Phrases like this may be the beginning of the slippery slope of gaslighting. Statements such as these suggest that someone is trying to assert their reality as the only reality. Rather than engage in reality twisting right back at them, try responses like “ Ok, we have to agree to disagree,” or “I just don’t see it that way,” in order to cut off the attempt to manipulate gaslighting.

RS: Thanks Hannah — and please share with our readers — teens, their siblings, their parents and friends, your special TRUTH practice that you told me about.

HH: I am happy to. I really like this for myself and recommend it for everyone to keep you grounded in your reality and what you know to be true. When I learned about gaslighting and could recognize some gaslighting attempts from friends, I made a list of things I know are true. Like: I know how I feel; My feelings are valid; I don’t have to negotiate about my feelings. I can find my truth if I pause and give myself a minute or two to think and allow my feelings.

I read my truths every day after school. There is more to my list — but you each have to make your own! Even you, Dr. Stern! Then, practice saying those truths to yourself at least a few times a week. Pick a time you won’t get distracted — like when you first wake up or when you just get home from work or right before bed. If you are like me, you will find it affirming and very helpful in staying grounded in what you know — a great way to avoid gaslighting!

I am honored to know Daniel Levin, to have interviewed him on my podcast and to share his story with you. You will read about the path that led him into the cult at Sarah Lawrence College, the bizarre and often terrifying experiences he had, and ultimately his escape from the grip of cult leader Larry Ray.

Summarized below is the chilling account of Surviving and Thriving Beyond The Sarah Lawrence Cult, as told by Daniel in episode 20 of The Gaslight Effect podcast.

Daniel was a sophomore at Sarah Lawrence College in 2010 when he was first introduced to Larry Ray. Father to one of his friends and roommates, Talia, Larry needed a place to stay after being released from prison. At first, Daniel didn’t have any reason to question the arrangement. Painted as a hero at the hands of a wrongful conviction, Larry’s short-term stay with Talia and her roommates seemed harmless enough.

But things quickly spiraled out of control and into gaslighting as Daniel and others found themselves trapped in a cult of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. Larry grew closer with each member of “Slonim Woods 9,” the name of their communal dorm and, later, the name of Daniel Levin’s memoir. Eventually, Larry traded in the couch at Slonim Woods for his own apartment on the upper East side of Manhattan. And, when he did, he invited others, including Daniel and Sarah Lawrence students to join him.

Larry Ray’s Way: When Connection Became Control

This is when the “special connection” that Daniel describes between himself and Larry really began, through intimate conversations about his parents, his body, and his sexuality. But “connection” quickly evolved into weaponization of the household’s interpersonal dynamics through coercive control and gaslighting.

“I was experiencing these things, which in retrospect were extreme,” Daniel told me, even though he once thought, “I’m not someone who would be abused or would be in a cult, or would be manipulated.”

Daniel was shamed into believing nothing he could say or do would be good enough for Larry Ray — even as he recorded his victims being abused as punishment for disappointing him. Ray manipulated the group’s eating and sleeping habits, initiated nonconsensual sexual encounters, and regularly exploited their labor. But Daniel lived in fear and in doubt of what qualifies as abuse: “He hasn’t slapped anyone, he hasn’t punched anyone, he hasn’t pushed anyone to the ground, you know?”

Daniel was unsure of what would happen if he stayed and what would happen if he left. That is, until he finally tapped into his gut feelings. Over time, he came to know that in order to survive, he must escape. Still in the fog of gaslighting, Daniel struggled with conflicting thoughts and “spent so much time trying to figure out the best way to leave, the safest way to leave… in the meantime, I was staying in this situation where I was being abused every day.”

The Other Side of Survival: Daniel’s Life Now

Thankfully, in 2013, Daniel did escape and begin his life beyond the cult that later gained national attention. In 2020, the FBI arrested Larry Ray.

Gaslighters like Ray thrive on making you feel stuck or trapped; that is right where they want you. Right where they need you to be. Thus, the ‘right time’ to leave that many victims of abuse wait for may never come. Looking back, Daniel would want himself, and anyone else feeling stuck in similar reality-spinning circumstances, to trust their instinct to leave.

Only once you have escaped can you begin to heal. For Daniel, healing includes telling his story, ultimately one of vulnerability, hope, and living life. “I wish none of this had ever happened,” he wrote in his memoir. Still, “one thing you can control is it being over for you… after it’s ended, it’s up to you to decide how to live with it. More than anything, that’s what I hope you do: live.”

Daniel is now thriving as an author, teacher and an executive producer of Stolen Youth: Inside the Cult at Sarah Lawrence, a three-part series airing on Hulu, that documents “A group of bright Sarah Lawrence College students” that “fall under the dark influence of a friend’s father, Larry Ray.”

He is committed to telling his story, and it is a gift that can help others break through the fog of abusive relationships to rediscover what freedom looks like.

Thank you, Daniel, for speaking out and for generously — and vulnerably- sharing your story.

Stuck Inside a Cult or Recovering from a Gaslighting Relationship?

You can learn more about all the many forms of gaslighting on The Gaslight Effect Podcast.

You can also identify if you are a part of a pattern of emotional or relationship abuse involving gaslighting and pull yourself out of that dynamic with the help of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide, an interactive workbook that will help you reclaim your reality.

Robin Stern PhD

co-authored with Krista Smith, M.A.T. Krista is a PhD Social Work student with research interests in education, equity, and emotional intelligence.

A friend of mine, ‘Amanda’, stares down at her phone, meticulously examining a text from her new boyfriend. He ends messages with flirtatious quips and modest emojis, unequivocal to any budding love affair, but she can barely bring herself to smile or relish his earnest sentiments. Instead, Amanda’s fingers freeze over the screen and her mind races. She just can’t shake the feeling that he’s secretly furious with her or disappointed in how things are going. She’s exhausted by her own thoughts two weeks into a relationship with no clear idea where this anxiety is sprouting from.

But I know. Amanda is recently a survivor of a gaslighting relationship, and now? She’s stuck in between her current emotions and being haunted by the ghost of gaslighting’s past. In the aftermath of fleeing the emotionally and psychologically abusive tropes that constitute a gaslighting relationship, this is understandable. The science of emotions reminds us that simply leaving a distressing environment does not always terminate the distress.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation, in which a gaslighter seeks to sow seeds of self-doubt and confusion in the gaslightee’s mind, undermining their confidence and agency to think clearly, to make good decisions, and to manage situations effectively. Even when on the other side of gaslighting, it can feel like you’re being haunted; constantly looking over your shoulder not wanting to trust anyone even though you’re now ‘free’ of your gaslighter.

Although Amanda followed her feelings out of the abusive relationship, she’s still trying to move on, but how? How does someone like Amanda honor and act on her emotions effectively while shaking off the ghost of gaslighting?

It’s tricky and it’s nuanced.

Maybe you already know that there is no such thing as a bad emotion, or how emotions are information, or how you should give yourself permission to feel. And yet, there are times when emotion skill sets just aren’t enough, when giving yourself permission to feel isn’t the antidote you hoped it would be. Instead, like for Amanda, it’s just the beginning. Then what?

I can offer some guidance. In active gaslighting relationships, I tell my clients if you don’t like the way you feel when you’re with your partner, take note. When your body tells you something is wrong, something is wrong. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, writing about trauma, popularized the brain-body connection in his book The Body Keeps the Score. Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry transcribed their conversations on the link between physiology and emotion in What Happened to You? And cutting edge research continues to explore this feedback loop between processes of the mind that surface in the body, and vice versa. In other words, emotional intimacy may be incredibly challenging during your first relationship after gaslighting because of all the unpleasant emotions you were once flooded with.

Your mind and body may default to its fight or flight response in situations that are from there-and-then but are no longer emotionally destructive for you. A sort of ‘detox’ process can, in and of itself, be painful, but with time and self-compassion, happiness in a new healthy relationship is possible.

Keep score of what emotions you choose to honor and what you tend to dismiss or not pay attention to during this process. Not every unpleasant emotion or interaction signals a need for change. Take a step back to determine if a person, especially a new partner, is consistently stirring up unpleasant emotions as well as pleasant emotions for you. If you are feeling anxious, uncertain, and stressed but cannot identify any gaslighting behaviors in this new relationship then you may still be struggling to trust — a needle that is slowly moved as you reclaim self-agency.

Lastly, rally your relationships. As with nearly every marker of happiness, the key ingredient at work is connection. So, when it comes to fighting off the ghost of gaslighting, sorting out truth from distortion, and reveling in your permission to feel joy again, the secret to abandoning past haunts is no secret at all: check in with your feelings — in the present -regularly and rally your relationships, your trusted network of friends, and, in doing so, you unlock the support and connection to make a positive change.

Learn more about gaslighting in its many forms from The Gaslight Effect Podcast and my website.

You can also identify if you are living a pattern of emotional / relational abuse involving gaslighting. Learn steps and strategies to limit, stop the gaslighting dynamic or leave and reclaim your reality, with the help of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide.

By Robin Stern

co-authored with Krista Smith, M.A.T. is a PhD Social Work student with research interests in education, equity, and emotional intelligence.

It’s all around us — the term that many love to use but don’t always understand: gaslighting. It’s become so popular that Merriam-Webster named it the 2022 word of the year. And the topic is still going strong.

The phrase “to gaslight” refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people.

Most people think of gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse that occurs in a romantic relationship, inflicted by the man on the woman. In my clinical practice over 30 years, I have seen mostly women wanting help with their gaslighting husbands. That said, I have also worked with many men who are being gaslighted and many women who recognize that they may be gaslighting their men. Power, not sex, is the common denominator that determines which party is the gaslighter.

In fact, this notion of power is what explains why gaslighting has been taking root in the broader cultural and systemic levels of our society. The unfortunate truth is that today people in positions of power are wielding their authority to manipulate others into questioning their reality. Professional gaslighting, medical gaslighting, and cultural gaslighting are three nontraditional forms that many people are beginning to identify in their own lived experiences.

Professional gaslighting. “I can’t believe my boss just threw me under the bus like that ! He’s the one who made the decision to push the project deadline; it had nothing to do with my missing the due date. He always does that — but now in front of everyone ?! And now I look like the weak link on the team ! Worse than that, I beginning to wonder if maybe I did misunderstand….” Anonymous.

Gaslighting is not isolated to the home or romantic relationships. Many people experience it at work, too. For example, a boss retells details about a group effort to make himself look like the hero, or a colleague denies her part in a less-than-favorable team project to ensure you take the blame.

In these situations, many people stay quiet for fear of being perceived as overly sensitive, or even losing their jobs. In certain scenarios gaslighting at work is illegal. There are also supervisors and bosses that cultivate toxicity but are not actually gaslighting. Below are measures employees can take to determine the existence of gaslighting and protect themselves from it. First, ask yourself:

• Does your boss or colleague often distort or deny the truth?
• Does your boss or colleauge become defensive when questioned and attempt to shame you or blame you or use humiliation as a weapon?
• Do your interactions with your boss or colleague leave you feeling belittled, confused or even crazy, unsure of what happened or who you should believe, you or them?

If these red flags sound familiar, you may be a victim of gaslighting. It is important to remember that you have a right to work in an environment that makes you feel physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe, where you are free from emtional bullying or psychological manipulation of any kind.

• Document! Keep a written record of your interactions with your boss or colleague including dates and details. Send a note to your colleague or boss after a meeting — whether you met in person or virtually — to confirm what you talked about and what you agreed on. This will help you spot gaslighting pivots in the coversations and track behaviors and patterns over time. It also can be important if you decide to report the gaslighting at any time.
• Check in with your feelings regularly — and especially after interactions with the possible gaslighter. Tracking your emotions will give you important emotional data.
• When possible ask a colleague to join in person or virtual meetings — or, if not possible, talk your confusing interactions through with a trusted colleague and ask their opinion, when you are shaky about yours.
• Use your judgement and past experiences with your boss or colleague possible. Consider whether you feel safe to talk with them about your interactions. You may want to seek help from a colleague organization or talk directly with Human Resources about what to do.
• Confide in a trusted colleague, friend or family member outside of the organization to help you sort through confusion. This social support can help with anxiety or depression that come with gaslighting as well as bring a neutral perspective to your experiences.

Medical gaslighting. “My doctor said the symptoms I was experiencing couldn’t be real because it’s not normal for these things to be happening so long after an operation. He told me that I am overly sensitive to bodily sensations, have an unusually low tolerance for discomfort and I should try to relax more. At first I was outraged at his insensitivity and dismissiveness, but after months of his certainty, I began to think that maybe he was right.” Anonymous.

Sadly, too many people have heard these words from their trusted medical professionals. Medical gaslighting occurs when doctors deny patients are sick, blame symptoms on psychological factors, minimize an illness, or misdiagnose. This New York Times article suggests the following are indicators that medical gaslighting is occurring.

• Your doctor continually interrupts you, doesn’t allow you to elaborate and doesn’t appear to be an engaged listener, doesn’t appear to have empathy.
• Your doctor minimizes or downplays your symptoms, for example questioning whether you have pain. You feel minimized when you are with them.
• Your doctore accuses you of being pre-occupied with your symptoms and they don’t want to talk about them.
• Your doctor will not order key imaging or lab work to rule out or confirm a diagnosis. Of course, your insurance won’t pay if the tests are not ordered by a doctor.
• You constantly feel put down and your doctor is being rude, condescending or belittling.

What can you do to step away from the gaslighting?

• Bring a family member or friend to your appointments. Talk through any confusing or uncomfortable interaction with your doctor to get their perspective.
• Write down — even record — your time with the doctors.
• Ask for a copy of your medical records and be sure they reflect what you know.
• Put your complaint or concern in writing to your doctor and keep a copy for yourself.
• Send an email after your appointment to confirm and summarize what you talked about and ask the doctor to confirm receiving your email.
• Before, during and after meeting with your doctor, check in with your emotions. Ask yourself, do I feel confident that I will be listened to by my doctor? Am I comfortable saying what I think and feel with this person? Do I feel safe, heard, and listened to?
• Listen to your body. If your doctor says you are fine and you don’t feel fine, ask for another appointment, additional tests or a referral to a specialist.
• If you don’t feel heard and respected and/or you are still experiencing symptoms, seek another opinion.

Cultural gaslighting. “Look, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here but this ‘equal rights’ thing with women has gotten out of control. There are just certain things men can do that women can’t… What’s wrong with that? So what if a guy regularly get paid more that a woman ? There are times when they deserve it! Suddenly we have a woman as Vice President of the United States and you all still think the whole world is out to get you? C’mon, I’m not buying it. Overreacting is what it’s called — just listen to yourself — definitely not ‘inequality’.” Anonymous

This is an outrageous reflection of cultural gaslighting. As Dr. Paige Sweet, a colleague at the University of Michigan wrote, “Although we tend to think of gaslighting as a problem between two people in a relationship, it also unfolds as part of an unequal social context. Gaslighting feeds off social vulnerabilities and stereotypes. It entrenches existing power imbalances while fostering new ones. The term is also increasingly used to describe structural racism, sexism, homophobia, and ableism.”

I know I am not alone in believing that the #MeToo outcry was a way for women whose emotions and reality were squashed, belittled, silenced and dismissed for years, to stand together and reclaim their reality — to declare that they in fact were mistreated, abused, and undermined by powerful men in their lives telling them “you wanted it to,” “that did not happen,” “it was no big deal,” or “you are a drama queen.” I have worked with many brave women in my practice, now ready to speak out about the pain of being gaslighted for years — many having identified gaslighting in conversations with other women.

How To Name Gaslighting In Your Own Life

It’s one thing to understand gaslighting conceptually. It’s much more difficult to identify when gaslighting is happening in your own life, especially if it’s taking place at work, in the doctor’s office, or on Twitter.

Most people who are being gaslighted don’t know it’s happening to them until they’re immersed in it. Look at the following list of gaslighting red flags. If any of these resonate with you, you might be experiencing gaslighting.

• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy.
• You’re always apologizing.
• You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
• You know something is wrong, but you just don’t know what.
• You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You feel isolated and alone much of the time.
• You are not the same strong or confident self you used to be.
• You wonder if you are good enough.

Having a gaslighting experience does not make you a gaslighting victim. With greater awareness of what gaslighting is and understanding of how it might show up in your life beyond a romantic relationship, you can harness and maintain your power to stop it before it becomes a pattern. You can make the choice to speak up at work, report your doctor’s gaslighting behavior, or become an ally. Transform this new knowledge into newfound power.

Learn more about gaslighting in its many forms from The Gaslight Effect Podcast and my website.

You can also identify if you are a part of a pattern of emotional or relationship abuse involving gaslighting and pull yourself out of that dynamic with the help of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide, an interactive workbook that will help you reclaim your reality.

Burnout is one of the top trends that will shape the workplace this year, according to a recent story by CNBC. This proliferation is especially concerning in a tight labor market. Unemployment remains low, employers are experiencing increasing attrition, and the war on talent continues to wage — all while a recession looms.

Burnout is a multi-faceted beast, fed by toxic experiences like gaslighting. But it can be tamed. Let’s explore the many aspects of burnout in the workplace today, including its causes, impacts, and some potential remedies.

What causes burnout in today’s workplace?

I had the honor of interviewing Dr. Michelle McQuaid, best-selling author and workplace wellbeing expert, for my podcast. Dr. McQuaid is renowned for translating the latest research on positive psychology into practical actions that build resilience, performance, and happiness in the workplace.

McQuaid’s research with more than 1000 Australian workers last fall uncovered that 60 percent of workers sometimes or often feel burned out at work. The survey came on the heels of the new international standards around mental health and wellbeing in workplaces that Australia released in 2021. Called ISO 4503, this code of practices is becoming legislation in some states, meaning employers can now be fined if they are not taking the steps to identify and protect employees from experiencing certain dangers in the workplace that lead to burnout.

The standards define 14 workplace mental health and wellbeing hazards that can result in significant stress and burnout. McQuaid’s research showed that the top three hazards causing such burnout are

· unachievable job demands

· poor relationships

· harassment

One of the most fascinating discoveries is how intricately gaslighting is wrapped into the second two hazards. The workers reported that harassment at work often took on the form of gaslighting. For example, a co-worker told them they were too sensitive, couldn’t take a joke, or were being too serious.

McQuaid explains: “Often the power dynamics people might be experiencing with their boss, colleagues, or even societal expectations that come in the workplace can make harassment take the form of gaslighting day to day.”

What is the impact of burnout?

I define the experience of burnout like this: “When we feel stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed for a period of time — or when we feel out of control — we become exhausted. After a while, we begin to ‘burnout.’” If you are burnt out, you might feel the following:

· Less patient and more irritable

· Cynical

· Alienated or disillusioned

· Less fulfilled or satisfied with your job

· Apathetic

· Exhausted

Additionally, many people self-soothe through burnout by sleeping, eating, or drinking too much. They might even feel physically ill, with increased headaches or stomachaches. Burnout is more than just stress. It is like someone is running on an empty gas tank for a prolonged period, with no end in sight. It is not a positive outcome of hard work and productivity, but rather a detrimental condition for one’s body and mind.

Many people assume if they are engaged in their work and like what they do, they can’t possibly experience burnout. Research conducted over the last years at Yale University revealed quite the opposite: One in five surveyed employees is burned out but engaged and productive at work. For these folks, burnout is a feeling of depletion; they are exhausted, overworked, have a love/hate relationship with work, and experience a lack of support.

What can we do about burnout?

How do we address the burnout epidemic in workplaces across the globe? My colleagues and I believe the answer lies in building emotionally intelligent organizations and developing EI skills for workers. Psychological safety is the undercurrent for how organizations, leaders, and employees bolster themselves against burnout — and leaders need EI skills and practices to build those organizations.

The role of the organization. A September 2022 Frontiers in Psychology article published findings from recent research on the correlation between EI in the workplace and burnout. Authors Zehavit Levitats, Zorana Ivcevic, and Marc Brackett found the need to approach EI from a macro-level perspective of organizational culture. The two-study research suggests there is a dynamic connection between EI-supported culture and EI-supported human resources management practices, and employee engagement and exhaustion.

This research suggests the importance for organizations to cultivate emotional intelligence on a systemic level. Creating a culture ripe with psychological safety is a good first step. McQuaid found that every one of the fourteen hazards was lowered when psychological safety was present for a worker.

The role of the leader. Center for Creative Leadership defines psychological safety as “the belief that you won’t be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes. At work, it’s a shared expectation held by members of a team that teammates will not embarrass, reject, or punish them for sharing ideas, taking risks, or soliciting feedback.”

Leaders can create a more safe and caring working environment by exercising compassion with boundaries, appreciation for strengths, responsibility, and emotional wisdom.

The role of the employee. Within a psychologically safe workplace, employees can own their emotional intelligence by developing the skills needed to thrive. This includes practicing emotional boundaries in the workplace.

McQuaid says, “It’s much harder to gaslight somebody who feels safe in themselves, because they’re much less likely to get involved in that cycle of doubt about what is real and what is maybe made up and put on [them], and much quicker to call a boundary on those sorts of things.”

What about you? What is your experience of burnout, and has gaslighting been a part of that narrative? How has EI played a vital role in eradicating the potentially damaging impacts of burnout before they took root? I’d love to hear from you and learn more from your story.

For more about emotional intelligence in the workplace visit Oji Life Lab and for leading research, real-life stories, and practical tips about burnout, gaslighting, and emotional intelligence, check out my blog and listen to The Gaslight Effect podcast