A few things about Mick, which makes him a key inspiration for this post:

I have never truly forgiven myself for not being born about 5–7 years earlier than I was. If I had entered my single years with the style brief of snakeskin leather jackets, toothed cowboy hats, and skinny jeans before they were popular, it would have frankly been unfair to other single males from 1987–1990.

In Crocodile Dundee 2, he single handedly united the New York gang scene which was nothing to shake a stick at in the late 80’s to save his girl and then took down the strongest drug cartel out of Columbia, something that Nancy Regan and D.A.R.E. never could.

Is one of the largest landowners in all of Australia. (thats speculative, but accurate)

This leads us to Outback Steakhouse #467 in Western Hills, OH.

This Outback has always carried a special place in my heart because during a date and several Fosters and a shared entree of Alice Springs Chicken, a rite of passage occurred for me. Those who know the story, know the story, the rest of you can ask when we see each other next.

Now, onto the experience.

The Bloomin’ Onion

My fingers have been burning since this started because we need to talk about the Bloomin’ Onion. It is clear that the Bloomin’ Onion belongs in the innovation tier between the lightbulb and the Iphone. After a search for the creator of the BO, it is unknown — likely for the better, because that man would know no rest from being constantly pressured for the next big thing. ‘You invented the freaking bloomin’ onion — now you are telling me you cant find how to make solar truly scale, we feel like you are holding something back.”

Our excitement could not be tamed, we ordered a full onion along with a petal which is akin to the younger brother of the full onion. Needless to say the fried onion satisfied our longing, but just as we are ready to move onto the next landscape of our journey — Andrew, who in Biblical times would have been a prophet who put Elijah to shame (evidence of what you are about to see) enters in with awareness of this:

Yes, you see this right, a Bloomin’ Onion with fries, cheese and steak topping. Now, I don’t have regrets outside of when Citibank went down to .75 in the crash of ’08 and I didn’t buy and a personal list of 2 females I wished it had worked out with (not at the same time, I’m not THAT guy), but not ordering this is a regret. Look at this thing. It’s incredible. You would surely die of congestive heart failure after eating it, but you would die happy.

Calorie Count: 3,408

Drinks — Round One

The branding of Outback and it’s tie to all that is Australian heritage is worthy of the best Harvard Business Review case study. I can imagine the marketing department at Darden Restaurants (holding company for Outback):

Assistant Brand Manager: “Hey, how can we innovate on a flight of six oz. beers?”

Brand Manager: “Well you remember, Brad, from the brand guidebook, it needs to fit into our key themes of kangaroo, or boomerangs, nothing else is permissable.”

Result:

Calorie Count: 4,233

Entrees:

First, the brass tax:

Jack — Prime Rib with Mashed Potatoes

Aaron — Chicken (yes, we chastised him while Jack and Andrew bought out his HickoryWald ownership shares immediately after the order)

Jessie — 6 oz. filet with a baked Potato

Ryan — Surf and Turf, Filet and Lobster Tail, veggies and sweet potato.

Andrew — Surf and Turf, Filet and Lobster Tail, mushroom and mac and cheese.

Since we have more people on the journey from the last excursion, I wont go through each participants order in-depth, but have a few high-level points:

The steak-doneness scale is truly variable — My friend Andrew owns a cabin in the woods which he enjoys doing his own projects on. Building, installing, improving, all done with hie bear hands at the smallest use of tools possible. He is truly a man. I consider “roughing it’ the Holiday Inn Express off of your random interstate exit. When shit gets real and either we are in a nuclear winter from our Commander in Chief’s game of chicken with N. Korea, or at the Zombie apocalypse, Ill run into his stead, maybe faster than his own wife. He got his steak medium rare. I was not surprised ( I mentioned his masculinity) but his came out flat out alive. Here is a snapshot:

Surf and Turf as an unifier — I believe an order of surf and turf is like Picasso painting, most anyone can appreciate it. I used to say I believe good pizza is something that everyone likes; republicans/democrats, blackpeople/whitepeople, catholics/protestants, taylor/kanye steelerfans/bengalfans. I now think that surf and turf is in the same category. If I were to offer you a dinner of S&T as a friend and you turned it down, I would turn down our friendship as quickly as you turned down this harmony of perfect meats. I’ve seen some S&T that can put you into credit card debt, but not in an Australia-pub-themed space, $28.75 for filet and lobster tail.

Puzzle Degree of Difficulty, or “What the hell are we doing to our kids” — Jessie is in the top tier of the smartest people I know if not the smartest person I know. I used to work next to her at a startup where she put together complex app-development workflows, while updating the exact volume of users to some of us lowly sales-folk a “here are the facts and here is what you can claim.” She also was on a show on ABC where she baked. During parts of dinner Jessie decided to tackle the kids maze and puzzle. I notice her body language at times go into almost a violent posture. I think if it was Jessie 10–15 years ago she would have thrown crayons and demanded the keys to her parents minivan to listen to Q102 and be away from people (that time would have been on the fringe of cell phones). “These puzzles are hard and there is no damn reason they should be” says Jessie. At this point, there was no way that I was going to attempt even reading the directions for fear of feeling like I do in most business meetings. There were also only three primary colors of crayons, so I claimed absentia on an account of a lack of expression and creativity. There will be a huge factions of kids who never measured up to the “Help the Joey (remember, Kangaroo branding) find his mom’s pouch” challenge.

The style of women west of the I-75 — This is another sidebar comment. I also need to make a claim here that I have known many beautiful women that live on the west side and i-75 and this statement is not meant to paint with a broad brush, but it seems like fashion stopped with 2003–2005. Lots of dark undertones under a bleach-blonde dye job, jeans with white stitching and a mix of True Religion and Hollister shirts. I am the first one to say that I loved Christina Aguilera’s Dirty video just as much as the next guy, but it has held on the westside for a bit too long.

Calorie Count: 8,013

Dessert:

After two rounds of the Darden-style depot’s, dessert is as much an endurance play as anything else. You can see it on everyones faces. It’s clear at this moment that Andrew, Jack and I are kindred spirits and have never seen a slice of cheesecake we don’t like while Andrew’s figure would say otherwise compared to Jack and I. Its the caramel cheesecake for Andrew and I, Jack goes with the classic New York style. Then like Tom Brady, down 28–3 to the Falcons, Aaron totally redeems himself with the ordering the Salted Caramel Skillet. When his dessert came out I hadn’t been more jealous than at prom when my buddy Mike brought this girl from another school that looked a bit rough in photos, but in-person, boy were we wrong. He killed it. The ratio of ice cream to caramel to cookie possessed a Shaq/Penny kind of connection, before Shaq starred in Shazaam, starting a truly impactful movie career in LA. The best part, in any skillet-style dessert, speed is always a factor to eat as much as you can before the ice cream melts, Aaron gives the table of Hyenas permission to help him finish.

Recap:

I have never been to Australia. I had a beloved professor in college who is Australian tell me that I should go there, I would fit in. Note, at the time, I looked like this and he likely meant the surfing and burnout population:

As someone who is well traveled to most parts of the world, I have yet to cross off this incredible land. But now I am wondering, why would I need to go there? I have experienced this land here on Glenway Ave. — which is obviously full of boomerangs, kangaroos, a beer selection led by Foster’s and the Sydney Opera House. Ill just head to store #467 and put Christina on the speakers — “Too dirty to clean my act up.” (Quote is Redman’s, FYI)

Total Calorie Count: 12,483

Avg. per person: 2,497

In 1981 the General Mills Company (yes the same one) launched the Olive Garden, a Tuscan-themed parade of Italian excellence. I was born in 1980. Given product development timelines, about the same time that my parents, Barry and Pat McCarty had the idea of me, GM had the idea for Olive Garden. While mapping my life along with the trajectory of the franchise may be tough, I was able to pay a visit with two dear friends, Andrew and Jessie Salzbrun. They say misery knows company, even if brought on by a gluttonous Tour of Italy. Here is an oral history of the visit:

The Prelude:

Our server was delightful. Upbeat, ready to help us make sense of the multi-pillar menu. (but not as many as Cheesecake factory) She was also clearly into a barter system of “free breadsticks for hair experimentation services” with her roommate. If this was written pre 2015, the hair services would have been sourced from the Aveda school on Edwards. (RIP to the greatest parade of quality females while eating at Penn Station, but I digress) We were offered a free tasting of the finest 15-dollar wine from their cellar, which brought a successful purchase of two 9oz. portions from the married folk, you know what they say; one flesh, one drink order. Ryan ventured into the mixed-drink menu with the guarantee from our server that “this one tastes just like an apple jolly-rancher, its my favorite” — enough for McCarty, we had our drinks laid out.

Total Calorie Count: 603 (three drinks)

The Warmup (Apps, Breadsticks, and Sauce Accompaniment):

After settling into drinks, we decided for two appetizers; The Lasagna Frittata and the 5 cheese Fondue. The Lasagna Frittata was simply a fried lasagna, which we figured fried makes everything better, why not. We felt it pushed the bounds of a true Frittata, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. A crusty shell with a volcanic-hot interior, it was delightful. The 5-Cheese Fondue was more of an adventure. Certainly not a fondue, it was essentially a cheese dip for an akin-to-a-thin-Texas-toast bread. The number of cheeses used was in question, we felt it was 4 parts cheese, one part butter. Again, the name over-promising a bit but we were still somewhat happy with then lead-in.

Our small tribe argued the role of the breadsticks. Are they an app or are they a halo-item which lays the foundation for all movements of this symphony of Italian indulgence. This is a continuing discussion that will make an Instagram-poll in the near future. Regardless the role, our server cut some corners and gave us a free flight of sauces; Marinara, Cheese and Butter Cheese- names are our own, but you get the idea.

Total Running Calories (which now requires an excel spreadsheet for me to tabulate): 3,473

The Tease:

By this time we are greatly anticipating our entree like a young groom awaiting his bride. But WAIT! There is a pre-meal offering, soups and salad. Again, the married folk unite under a common banner of soups, while McCarty opted for the salad. Its worth noting that all of these items are bottomless. So things that have no end include: eternal life in heaven, the figure of Pi, Taylor Swift relationship transitions (which with how good her last album is, I am more than fine with) and salads and soups at Olive Garden. This movement is not as worth the review, so we will just not their infintous nature and move on.

This is also the point in this meal where this happens for the first time (on the salad AND soups)

Running Calorie Count: 4,174

The Cadenza:

By this time our anticipation has peaked. Our server has been tremendous in keeping our excitement at bay with another round of drinks where McCarty has decided to shed some of his 21-year-old-female soul and join the adults in mediocre wine. After the server went back into the choice cellar (which is likely the supplies closet) to fetch a wine refill, our entrees were ready. Andrew got the Lobster Ravioli. It is hard to imagine that choice seafood surely from the chilled water’s, off of Maine could disappoint, but his reaction hinted that the ratio of butter and cheese to pasta and Lobster was a bit off. If the entree is in 8 parts, we estimate 6 or 8 parts are sauce, one part pasta, one part seafood. Jessie got the meatballs, maybe the most American dish on the menu. She truly put the American in the Italian-American dining category. McCarty opted for a classic in the Olive Garden catalog, the Seafood Alfredo. Asked why this was his selection, Mc replied “It seemed healthier than the Chicken Alfredo, packed with Omega-3’s” Akin to Andrew’s entree, the ratio os seafood to pasta left a little to be desired. However the texture marriage from seafood to pasta could not have fit together better than Jim and Pam in their flirting stage during seasons 1–2 of the Office.

Running Calorie Count: 7644

Dessert

By this time it is as much an endurance play than anything else. Andrew has a look on his face like he is being tortured from the inside. This means it is time for dessert. This is where we were thrown a truly delightful curveball. Jessie, per the usual, had a sensible selection, the small size of Tiramisu, Andre- the Black Tie Mousse Cake — what Ryan got is where we were thrown for a good surprise.

Steve Jobs, Thomas Edison, Andrew Carnegie, the chef at Olive Garden #405 in Oakley, OH. They all possess the most innovative minds in their field. Ryan orders the Sicilian Cheesecake which seemed like a classic cheesecake with a bit thicker crust, boy was he wrong. Maybe because of the frigid conditions, the Christmas spirit or a “I am so f’ing tired of making this dessert the same way” — the cheesecake came drizzled in crushed Andes mints Yes, you read that right. Best secondary usage of a product since copper cups became the default holder for the Moscow Mule. Delightful appertif with the dessert.

We paid our check through a mobile checkout spot, again, merging modern tech with the classic Tuscan countryside, no two things fit together better.

Final Calorie Count: 9423

Final Thoughts:

In my best dreams I am working as a farmhand on a Tuscan winery as a chiseled peasant boy who catches the eye of the head proprietor, Franchesca. After a long, hot day of crushing grapes she encounters me and we begin to embrace in a pool of crushed grapes.

WAIT!!! WRONG STORY — that’s for my other medium account.

I mean, I loved the Tuscan to Italian-American feel of Olive Garden store #403. A mix of the Italian Country-side, American gluttony and Cincinnati-trends-just-tend-to-come-a-bit-late-here-as-seen-from-our-servers-hair, I had an incredible time. Our tour of Italy could not be more complete without the other two on the gondola of this adventure, Andrew Salzbrun and Jessie Salzbrun. It is clear why the Olive Garden is the OG of the Darden Restaurant Portfolio.

Up Next: Outback Steakhouse.