Dear Friends,

As we reflect on another adventurous year and welcome the new one, I want to share my heart with you all. The biggest change that happened in 2022 was that our family moved back to Seoul, where both myself and my wife was born. Here’s an update on our household:

San

San changed his hairstyle (it got longer) as he moved back to Seoul, Korea. He cherished his weekly Sunday morning 6am soccer game. He enjoyed hot spicy soup almost daily (a typical go-to food for older Korean men) and didn’t mind riding the subway every day. He started working out again (even though it’s no more than 30 minutes per exercise) in a gym at his apartment, and he loved the not-too-infrequent (typically once a week) social gatherings with his friends. Overall, he became much more content and happy after returning to his motherland.

In 2023, San wants to pick up more sports (perhaps indoor tennis or crossfit), spend more time with his family, occasionally visit his brother’s pub for a drink, and spend more time with his aging parents. He also looks forward to serving his local church as a Sunday school teacher

Min

Min was surprised by her new lifestyle in Seoul- Coupang delivers fresh food overnight (orders at midnight and delivers to your door by 6am) and all kinds of food are delivered in 30 minutes with less than $3 delivery fee including tips. Thanks to all the convenience a big city provides, she occasionally worked out at a gym in her apartment, went out for a date with San, and caught up with her old friends. She deeply missed her parents and brother, which is the biggest downside of moving to Korea, but she finds joy and meaning from loving and caring for other family members including San’s parents, brother-in-law’s family, and her extended relatives

In 2023, she will finally have her own social IDs, which will enable her to fully enjoy Korea. She looks forward to finishing her master’s degree and working part-time at her children’s school. She is also excited to meet new small-group members and students from her local church.

Haru

She became much more emotionally stable after moving to Korea. She seemed to be quite popular at school. She experienced cold winter for the first time- snow, ice-skating, and hot-spring. She can now read and write both Korean and English freely, and often read Cookie-Run comic books. Drawing remained to be her favorite activity and she started learning the piano. She didn’t like when her dad picks her up after piano practice by calling “HARU~~~” with a loud voice, especially because there’s a cute boy at her piano practice. She felt very proud when she finally mastered coming back home for herself from outside

In 2023, Haru looks forward to another adventurous year- new friends, new learnings, new hobbies, and more.

Hayul

Hayul is increasingly showing his temperament and skills as a businessman. He learned what it means to save money, and now he has saved over $300 from his pocket money. His neighborhood friends disappeared and he also no longer can jump around the house because of the noise issue, so he often unleashes his energy by punching his younger brother and dad. Thankfully, he found a better outlet for his energy, which is Taekwondo — he now holds a yellow belt and his legs go up very high. He fell in love with the mobile Pokemon game on his father’s cell phone, and he does a relatively good job of only playing one game at a time. And when it comes to building something, he surprised his mom and dad by showing his great talent. The playful face of him when playing games is still the best in our family. Ha-yul missed his friends in America a lot to this date.

In 2023, both mom and dad support and cheer for Ha-yul, who will grow further by making more friends and radiating his own energy to the fullest.

Haim

Haim: Haim started going to a daycare center and was rarely hospitalized this year — his health improved a lot. He learned all kinds of words following his older brother and sister and became a three-year-old who talks a lot. He is the cutie of our house who fascinates all the adults he meets with his loveliness, talking about this and that without hesitation no matter who he meets. Despite getting beaten by his older brother, harassing his older sister, being chased by his father, and whining at his mother, Haim grew up significantly this year. His allergy got better little by little, so he ate a piece of chocolate this year. He also started an art class in front of the house, and boy, he started painting all the walls at home as well.

In 2023, Haim plans to grow bigger by eating more food he has never tried before, making friends at daycare center, and possibly going to kindergarten. It is a great joy and blessing for our family to watch and experience Haim’s love energy reaching more people and exploding.

I want to share my heart with you all as I reflect on a not-the-easiest year and welcome new year.

Overwhelmed and numbed, like a Zombie

Episode 1: It’s 9:30pm on Wednesday night. Finally kids went to bed after countless fights. House is a mess. I yearn for an intimacy with wife, but she fell a sleep with kids after a long, tiring day. I’m alone in the living room. There are four people in this house but I feel utterly lonely. I open up the phone and start playing “Royal Crush”, a simple mindless puzzle game. It’s not that much fun, but splendid sound and multi-combo hits are enough to take my minds off from the reality. Moments passed, it’s already past midnight. I know I will feel bad about myself tomorrow morning but I can’t seem to stop playing this stupid game. Oh, I already feels terrible.

Episode 2 : It’s 10:00am on Sunday morning, two hours after Min left to Church to prepare her Sunday service. Feeding and prepping 3 kids in the morning were never easy, but today, it’s another level. Haru is crying loudly, blaming everything around her after a fight with his brother Hayul. Hayul is keep triggering her further with his patent-filable rambunctious move. Haim just made a whole mess and pooped again. Knowing I’m at the end of my patience level, I’m begging Haru to stop yelling but she is not listening. And boom — I lost it. “STOPPPPPPPPP. SHUUUUT UPPPPP!”. After a moment of silence, the atmosphere is completely changed with sense of fear. Frustrated, I stopped talking and kids are silently sobbing. I seriously debated whether to just stay at home. By the time I came to church, I’m done for the day. I completely shut down my mind and feel miserable for the entire day.

This was the glimpse of countless moments when I was overwhelmed and numbed. Dave Gibbons calls it “Zombie” in his book, Xealots.

You do stuff because you fee like it

you sleepwalk through routines

you live for the weekend

you talk about your future and live in the past

you yearn for intimacy but few people actually know you

you keep feeding yourself with entertainment but you never have enough

Yes, I feel trapped by the predictable nature of the routine. I medicated by keeping occupied, starting at some screen or another. When productivity illusion phased out, I zoned out. It was a seductive trap that I fell prey to. I share my deep compassion towards whomever can relate to a life of a “Zombie”

Permission to be imperfect — the power of vulnerability

However, I decided to face my struggling reality, accept it as is, and share my life to my friends. Why? Dr. Brown explains perfectly in her viral Ted Talk called “The Power of Vulnerability”.

• Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.
• People who practices vulnerability don’t say it’s easy. They just know it’s Necessary.
• Without vulnerability, you can’t truly connect with yourselves nor others. And there can’t be a true sense of joy, happiness, and meaning.

Yes, this is my courage in an attempt to engage and connect with myself and you.

The source of my hope — Faith in him who knows me and loves me

Before I get into the details of how our 2021 was and our plan for 2022, let me share the source of my hope. Here are some “sparkling moments” in 2021.

Episode1 — Observer and playfulness.

“San, I see you constantly observing and playing.

A pastor, who barely knew me, shared this word with me in one of the faith-based fellowship night. I lost words. Those words gave me the vocabulary to understand myself. Yes, I’m always observing and digesting new information. And yes, my deepest desire is to have fun, playing with all those information and stories I collected. I felt known. I felt heard. I felt accepted.

Episode2 — Are you treating everyone equally?

It’s Friday dinner and I’m at church with my 3 kids. My wife is preparing for children’s program and I feel overwhelmed again. I’m not in a mood to talk. I nod mechanically after people’s greeting, longing to get out of the church building. Luckily, the mother-in-law came to watch kids, and I’m free to go to GSB-Korean welcoming party. I quickly drove to the place with excitement and anticipation. And suddenly, a voice hit me.

“San, are you treating everyone equally? You are trying to show your best-selves in front of the people you deemed to be interesting and influentials. But how about those so-called “normal” people you met at the church? How are you treating them?

I lost words. It wasn’t a cold rebuke. It was a gentle invitation to acknowledge what I’ve been missing out. I felt deeply convicted. I committed myself to a life of treating people equally, and devote special attention to marginalized people with contrite hearts.

You might wonder — what’s so special and sparking about these episodes? Here’s my answer. It’s because I felt I was being caught by a divine force. I was seen. I was known. And when I was given with the language to understand myself, I stopped screaming and start living. Dave Gibbons put it this way in his book “Xealots”, calling the status of being liberated called “flowing”.

“Life isn’t about leaving the legacy, It’s about flowing with the spirit. And flowing begins when you are known”

After being caught by all-knowing, all-loving spirit, I was able to flow. I lost myself and playfully lived in the moment; presenting ML and Life at passion Talk, MCing GSB welcoming party, Saturday night zoom conversation with friends, Devouring Praxis’s teaching and Will smith’s book, And playing with kids and connecting my wife…

While 2021 was filled with many moments of feeling like a “Zombie”, I am reminded once again that I’m known and accepted. Deep inside, I have a faith that the God of the universe is in control. And he knows me and he loves me. In him, I can be a little boy, just like my 4 yr old Son. His hearts gives me peace. This faith frees me from inadequacy. It gives me hope. It gives me strength. It gives me a new spirit and strength. It makes my life a gift to live out, not a challenge to conquer.

Here’s how my family lived 2021 and what we are hoping for the 2022. If our reflection makes you smile and/or be any kind of encouragements, that’d be our privilege and joy.

San

2021 was a year of “overwhelmed but holding on”. San definitely struggled a lot — the muscles that carried him so far no longer operated well. He made countless mistakes and screwed up multiple-times. However, he held on to his faith. He stayed ground where he should be. He continuously showed up, and never gave up completely.

• Faith: It was a year of “great inputs but somethings are not quite latching”. A lot of great inputs — FDE, Praxis, Dave Gibbons. However, things weren’t quite clicking. Big part of the NCBC F&W fizzled. Charismatic and intercessory prayer feels distanced. Regular worship became obsolete. Family worship was life giving but often we were too tired. Daily routine is all messed up, and Sunday was often the most stressful day of the week. That said, there were not-so-small number of fruits, especially from the F&W ministries he served in his church. As he sow in other people’s lives with encouragement, curiosity, and faith, San witnessed multiple life changing moments that San cherishes dearly.
• Family: In 2021, San grew as a husband and dad. San teamed up with Min to parent his 3 children. Every Friday was a time of reflection, bonding, and strategizing as a couple and parents. San’s heart grew as a dad — he ached when his kids struggled. Kids still love “Dad-playground” at home. San often dropped Haru to school, giving her a small candy in secret with a big dose of love and smile. San occasionally bursted out his anger when Hayul triggers him, but he got quicker to making things up. And San truly enjoyed his 1 yr old Son, Haim. There were tough moments and unpleasant arguments with Min as they navigate 3 kids under age 6— 2 jobs life in bay area, but at the end of the day, Min continuously gave him favor and San remembered that they are one team: that her glory is his, and she is a gift from above that needs his favor and care.
• Work: First time PMing was not easy. Some of the feedback were tough to swallow, and the career trajectory often seemed much slower than his peers which concerned him occasionally. However, San constantly found surprising amount of joy and fun when he geeked out on data and embarked a logic battle with math PHDs. Also, San loved apprenticeship— his manager’s succinct but to-the-point questions makes his jaw drop. It’s an art for him. San produced his “ML and Life Talk”, merging Theology and Technology (even though he had single digit view on youtube, he still loves it). He is constantly dreaming about another chance to orchestrate multiple disciplines — and he can’t stop but wonder what product he will be stewarding.
• Self: He rarely exercised. There were multiple life-taking routines (flipping through instagram, lusting over phone screen, mindlessly playing puzzle game to numb) he fed himself after putting kids to bed when he got too-tired to do anything but too-stressed to just go to bed. But he also found multiple hidden gems, life giving stories and thoughts such as “Will”. Oatmilk latte from Peet’s coffee and Airpod pros are still his go-to-friends. He can still do 10 pull ups (surprisingly), he still writes on his blog occasionally (and yes, it’s too long), and he mastered how to cut his hair by himself.

In 2022, San wants to restore Sabbath in his life and his family, a dedicated time when they do nothing but resting and worshiping. San is also hoping to regain early-morning time and physical strength. San keeps dreaming about writing a book and/or starting his youtube channel. And San is hoping for a life giving community and fellowship.

Min

2021 was a year of “busy but grateful”. She was really busy; raised 3 children, taking lion-share of kids duty herself, served local Church as a part-time pastor, continued studying, and took care of her complex husband. But she was also energized and grateful for her life even more than ever.

• Faith (Ministry): She cherished her ministry — she often felt deep sense of awe and joy as she led VBS, Awana, and Sunday worship. Loving kids and seeing their growth were such a blessing. Late night prep time, when she pull-together the music, the craft, the message, and everything together, was her moment of “flowing”. Counseling kids were her hidden gem. Towards the end of 2021, she made a difficult decision to step down from her ministry. Even with the all the joy and fruits, she felt assured that stepping down from the ministry is where lord was inviting her into. She felt sad but relieved, scared but assured, and bitter but grateful. She delivered a sermon titled “crown of joy” at Women’s worship; she witnessed how God changed her biggest scar into the “crown of beauty”. It was one of her highlights in 2021.
• Family: Watching kids and managing household was no joke. It was countless repetition of never-ending works. She felt deep relief by San’s growth as a father. She cherished modified date-night with San; but, quite often, she also just wanted to be alone, having late night snacks and watching Korean drama. Handling a complex emotions of Haru remained challenging, but she learned to close things quickly. Hayul’s aggressive behaviors were a huge stress once, but she is very grateful that he is a lot better now. And Haim’s illness was one of the most stressful things in 2021 — but this too, has gotten a lot better. She imagined what if having another baby as she noticed her adorable baby was growing out of toddler, but she quickly tabled the idea.
• Self: Min had a moment of “transcendence” with her Tuesday Jazz dance class. Min enjoyed fellowship with other pastors who serve for the next-gen at her local church — and also occasional 3 hour talks or eating out with her a few close friends were one of her favorite times. Connecting with other friends/moms over Instagram remained to be life-giving.

In 2022, Min looks forward to continuously nurturing family while dancing on Tuesday and enjoying late night alone-time. Be physically healthy and in better shape is one of her top goals for 2022. Min feels slight fear about not-having a ministry anymore, but she is excited for how God will lead her new chapter. She feels fully committed to support and empower San to lead.

Haru

She grew a lot. She can now speak English quite well. Her favorite TV shows are evolving (as she can understand Eng). Haru has become a big sister, especially to Haim. Haru loves dancing even though she is shy. Haru enjoys Korean school but her math homework isn’t her favorite. Haru did HelloKitty theme in her 6th birthday. Haru continues to love videos and screens — she even said she loves “Steve Jobs” as he invented iPad. And she is learning to control her fragile emotions — yes, she is definitely growing.

In 2022, Haru wants to keep learn “ballet”, play more games. Also, she can’t wait to start correcting San’s accent.

Hayul

Hayul’s favorite activity is to play fighting game with his dad, and making toys with blocks and legos. He demanded his dad to print coloring pages almost every day — guess it was his loving language. Hayul sometimes makes other siblings to cry with his aggressive energy, but he is quick to apologize. Hayul is learning math and English — he prefers Math a lot to Eng or Korean class. His favorite TV is Ttobot and Transformer. Hayul still loves Snakes, Spiders, and all sorts of reptiles.

In 2022, Hayul wants to go to Korea. Hayul also wants to get more Robot toys. And he will start going to school!

Haim

Haim struggled with eczema and asthma in 2021 but he is becoming better. He still eats everything, and poops +4 times a day, but finally there is food he refuses to eat (something green!). He mastered a few words that pronounce with one syllabus. He sometimes fight back to his brother, and he totally thinks he is stronger than her sister. Haim has that killer smile. He still sleeps well.

In 2022, Haim will learn and speak more words. He will start being party trained. And he will start goes to day-care!

Dear Friends,

I want to share my heart with you all as I reflect on a not-so-expected year and welcome new year.

Yes, there were MANY tough moments

On the night of Dec. 29th, I found out one of my toes was a bit swollen and red. I shared that with my wife and quickly did a google search — guess what I found: “Covid-toe”. Apparently, inflated purple toes are one of the unofficial Covid symptoms — too rare to be categorized as an official symptom but common enough to own a name. My wife was deeply troubled by the news and started calling her parents as well as her pregnant sister-in-law in order to share the information and get them tested asap. She was concerned by the possibility of them getting infected since we had met them a couple of days ago. After all of us got our earliest available Covid-test appointments, my wife even suggested the idea of us wearing masks at home and do semi-quarantine from each other.

I couldn’t explain fully then, but I realized I was deeply offended by what I thought was an overreaction. My heart was turned off as I felt I had made a whole mess and I was implicitly blamed. ‘It’s unofficial symptom and it’s just one of my toes. If two toes went bad, were you going to kick me out of the house?’ — Too many thoughts were messily drifting around in my mind.

For the next two days, my wife and I didn’t talk much as I shut my mouth down. Although we both absorbed the unpleasant atmosphere between us, we were too stressed and tired to address it. There was no peace or love left in me. Only after countless agony, I was able to let go of my ego and regain compassion towards my wife. I apologized for being mad and choosing to close my mouth. The whole drama ended after I got the negative test result.

This was the glimpse of how the year of pandemic took a toll on our relationship, caused stress and stole joy. I suspect many of you can relate. As Jay Stinger whom I deeply respect and admire puts it; it was a year of mute.

We were on “mute” in 2020. Muted describes our:

- Sense of connection with others

- Freedom

- Hope — we stopped believing things will change.

A lot of us might not even have much time or energy to reflect, let alone to write a fancy year-end tribute. I share my deep condolence and compassion towards whomever experienced any loss or is in middle of a tough season.

But we had a year of gratitude, full of unforgettable memories, all thanks to the love from above.

However, 2020 wasn’t the worst year for our family at all. In fact, it was one of the best. We learned countless life lessons.

This year calibrated our beliefs, our definition of happiness, and our priorities. This year changed everything, but we refuse to think that it was a curveball with no virtue.

I came across this from Jay Stinger’s same letter: I recognize that my relationship to hope has been compromised in 2020 time to time. Maybe you feel the same way? If so, we need to remember that hope is not about optimism. It’s about discontent and courage.

“Hope has two beautiful daughters;
Their names are
Discontent and Courage.
Discontent at the way things are,
And Courage to see that they do not remain as they are.”
-Augustine de Hippo

Discontent is about saying, “No more!” to behaviors that steal joy. Courage is about saying, “Yes!” to life-changing initiatives and conversations. For me, I’m saying, “No more!” to the self-deprecating habits and I’m saying “Yes!” to trusting him and remaining hopeful, loving, and grateful.

Other friends of hope are love&faith. Without faith, there’s no hope; that’s why I call Faith “a hope grabber”. However, faith doesn’t come easily. When we don’t have any energy nor joy, it’s almost impossible to be faithful. We need to be loved first to muster strength to get out of the self-confiscating shell and exercise the faith muscle. I learned the importance of living out God’s love to remain faithful and hopeful.

While 2020 was filled with never-ending disruptions, we couldn’t be thankful enough to him who has been writing a beautiful story in the midst of our weakness & shortcomings. He is the reason for our hope, source of our love, and the destination of our faith. Also, we couldn’t be thankful enough for you as we couldn’t have run the race without you. Here’s how my family lived 2020 and what we are hoping for the even-better 2021. If our reflection makes you smile and/or be any kind of encouragements, that’d be our privilege and joy.

San

2020 was a year of “exploration”. As usual, San loved doing 100⁹⁹⁹ things at the same time. What’s noticeable was that his areas of focus have shifted drastically; from “secular career growth” to “spiritual explorations”. Also, he notably laughed a lot more even though his sense of humor didn’t improve much.

• Faith: It was a year of “taste and practice”. A year of growth and wonder. San tasted the sweetness of intercessory prayers for the first time in his life as he became part of multiple prayer ministries. San also explored the ministry of Holy Spirit with great enthusiasm and unmet curiosity, taking multiple courses, reading various books, and engaging with like-minded christ followers. Lastly, San was able to practice what he explored at his local church, spearheading Faith & Work ministry and Youth teaching. God has been blessing him with the heart of the shepherd and San was keep being in awe with how life-giving it is to freely give to others.
• Work: San became the Product Manager for Ads quality at a deep-technology start up called MOLOCO. He rediscovered his geeky passion towards data as he works intensively with machine learning engineers and data scientists. Also, he became the host of a few company-wide meetings where people from different departments share their areas of works. It’s a time of joy for him as he loves building bridges and seeing people get together. He also has met multiple amazing new people that he interacts with daily, which he is deeply grateful. He is looking forward to continuously serving the company’s growth as a PM while creating venues to encourage his fellow coworkers.
• Family: San finally learned how to enjoy his new born, now that his wife delivered the baby #3. He came up with a couple of new games & activities for Haru and Hayul, and it’s unclear who likes the game better — him or the kids. He loved doing dishes but that doesn’t mean he was good at it, which made Min say “I appreciate your gesture but I’d rather do it myself”. San was continuously blessed by amazing wife who was watching 3 babies by herself, still making dinner for him and cleaning the house, and always cheering everything that he did. San learned to say thank you more and to open up his heart more to his beloved better-half, even though he has long way to grow.
• Self: San rarely did any exercise but often enjoyed fasting. He enjoyed sleeping 7 hrs/day (used to be a lot less). He cherished Oat-Milk Latte from Peet’s coffee (almost addicted at this point). He finally learned to just be in the moment and immerse into the praise music, not thinking much (which is a remarkable change if you know him). He couldn’t live a day without his AirPods. He loved to create venue over zoom where people can come and be blessed, where he frequently joked to no avail. San has been going back and forth with enjoying and fasting FB/Instagram. San enjoyed meeting new spiritual friends of all-kinds, but he also learned what it likes to pour over to a few people that can use his care (another huge change if you know San!).

In 2021, San wants to live a simpler and more focused life, doubling down on family, work, and faith community — the people around him. He wants to practice lifestyle of “giving & caring”. He also made a mind to be more truthful/loving especially when he is offended. It will definitely stretch him as his natural tendency is to flee from conflict, remain silent, and react in cold-anger. Lastly, San looks forward to reading/writing/talking more, both in Korean and English out of love & passion.

Min

It was a year of stretch for Min. God stretched Min in every area of her life — as a mom, as a wife, as a student, as a pastor, as a daughter/daughter-in-law, and as a daughter of God. She often felt overwhelmed but looking back, she can’t thank enough as she is being invited to a deeper relationship with her heavenly Father, who has blessed her with His heart towards the next generation.

• Faith(Ministry): Min served as children ministry (PreK) pastor faithfully while delivering her 3rd child and watching three young kids at home in a midst of pandemic. The five days of online VBS (vocational bible study) was the highlight of her ministry. The online ministry setting has challenged her and made her to be more proactive. The next generation ministry became even more dear to her throughout the changes. She has been meditating on the book of Joshua, and blown away by God’s unfailing plan towards the generation to come. She is deeply grateful.
• Family: Watching kids and running homeschool everyday when there’s no where to go/nothing to do was no joke. Even though she got many helps from San and her mom, it was still overwhelming. She often had to fight through the bursting anger. However, at the same time, this sweet and bitter moments had grown her. After all, she confess that the kids are God’s gift of joy. She enjoyed unpacking her creativity making homeschool materials for the kids. She cherished weekly family worship and modified date-night with San; even though San refused to eat late night-snack with her and seemed painful to watch her favorite TV show. But she still loved San and appreciated his unique charm. After all, she was deeply grateful that San is growing spiritually.
• Self: Min loved her study. She never thought she would enjoy a history class but “church history” class was a hidden jam for her. She was deeply inspired by reading the Saint Augustine’s Confession. Min enjoyed connecting with other moms over instagram. She loved to comfort as well as being comforted/encouraged by others. Min loved to be there for a few friends who went through a tough time. Min’s favorite way to relax after a long day was to watch her go-to Korean drama while drinking the sparking water, which often accompanied with assorted cheeses, hot Cheetos, and many other snacks delivered from San’s company.

In 2021, Min looks forward to continue to serve the ministry, become a better partner for San, nurture the children biblically, and study biblical counseling. Also, she definitely wants to exercise more. Lastly, she is hoping to find a fellowship group in Christ where she can share various kinds of struggles and encourage/comfort/intercede for each other.

Haru

Our princess turned 5 years old this year. Her favorite princess is “Secret Juju”, a girly-girly video series that her parents forbid her from watching because of a bad-influence. Haru loves drawing pictures and building things. And Haru’s favorite thing to do is “playing with friends, who speaks Korean.”. She can’t have enough of her time with a few of her favorite friends, and sometime spend 1+ hour over video call, boasting her treasures while not listening to other friends at all. She always fights and plays with her 1.5 yr old younger brother Hayul, and she is also very good with watching her youngest brother. Haru is actually a fantastic cleaner and she can fold the laundry better than her dad — objectively better. As a puzzle master, she did 500 puzzle this year with only a bit of help from adults. Haru loves watching all sorts of shows on youtube, listening to ‘new’ stories or stories with any princess, climbing up to her dad, and having a date with her mom. Haru is learning phonetics and Korean alphabets (Hangul), and starting to speak a bit of English with a better accent than his dad and unique grammar.

In 2021, Haru wants to learn “ballet” and knitting. Also, she wants to go to the Disneyland.

Hayul

Hayul turned 3 years old. He loves eating cereal, yogurt, walnut, vitamin candy, breads, cookies, kalbi (marinated beef), and pretty much every food. He also loves climbing up and jump off from high ground. His favorite playground is daddy’s body, and he can get really mad when daddy doesn’t fully cooperate with his requests. He started to learn how to play with other friends even though he have very few friends and hardly got a chance to meet them. He sometimes counts and calculate better than his 1.5 yr older sister and his drawing also shows full of talents — at least in our eyes. He still looooves sharks but he is showing new passion towards insects. Another favorite activity is taking bubble bath. He loves his little brother but also feels jealous time to time. Lastly, he is such a book lover — he misses library dearly and to this date, going to library is one of the first things he wants to do once pandemic ends. Overall, he is such a joyful boy with full of smile and energy.

In 2021, Hayul wants to read more books and learn how to read. Also, he still loves anything related to Sharks!

Haim

Haim is the newest addition to the family. He is such a cute little monkey and so much easier than the other two — at least the way we feel it. He has this killer smile that no one can resist. He is also a foodie — loves various baby foods including fruits & meats. He has an attachment blanket and he can sooth himself with pacifier, which made San/Min’s life so much easier. The biggest struggle he is fighting is his eczema. He wakes up multiple times during night out of itchiness. Other than that, he is enjoying the love from every family members including his older brother and sister. In fact, Haru can watch Haim for over 30 minutes often. He crawls really fast and can put anything in his mouth.

In 2021, Haim looks forward to walking and talking. Also, fighting back to his brother with greater might.

Ever noticed a generational scar in your marriage? A deeply rooted Speck that was passed down from ancestors? I had one in my marriage and it was anger. My father, who grew up in a deeply dysfunctional family in post Korean war, never learned how to process his anger. And even though he deeply loved myself and my mom, there were times that he didn’t know how to control his emotion. And those moments traumatized me at the core towards the emotion of “anger”. I simply didn’t know how to process it nor face it. When my wife showed even a glimpse of anger (which is rightfully so being my wife), I quickly disengaged with her and treated her with silent ignorance. In my heart, she was wrong by being angry and I was right by not expressing that emotion. But I was angry as well. Only difference is that my anger was “cold anger” and I didn’t even recognize that as an anger. It took us multiple painful but truthful moments, fightings, counselings, and a couple of years to even name this Speck fully. And it’s still part of the process. I still get traumatized when I face that emotion. But we are in so much better stage than before as we are seeking the truth humbly, and seeking to love truthfully. I realized this truth. When we don’t take out the speck in the relationship, when we don’t name the elephant in the room and face the devil, we can never fully move on and be united.

Racism is the generational scar in US. It’s at the core of the birth of this country. Dehumanizing and discriminating other people based on their skin color over multiple centuries are a deeply demonic tragedy that we can’t live with any more. None of us can be a stranger nor guest in this issue of racism. We can’t be a whole without addressing this fatal disease that is taxing all of us. And it can only happen in America that even someone like myself to be invited in this journey of restoration. That’d be the most American thing to do. The fruit of this fight will be a huge blessing to everyone. And the whole world can be benefited from the restoration and reconciliation. This can be a moment of history where the Apartheid in our heart is broken and redeemed.

The journey to restoration might be slow. Might be hurtful. Might be offensive. That’s why we need a lot of love and grace.

I found a letter from African American woman from my friend’s FB wall and was deeply inspired (attaching at the bottom). And for me, this is exactly why we can’t not-engage in this matter. Even in the case, as some conservatives argue, that the tragic death of George Floyd might not be an entirely race issue, that the systemic police racism is a myth that are portrayed by media and left party, that the issue of “racism” is used as a strong political weapon and disproportionately brought up before the election season, we can’t not fight for this battle. We can’t afford to lose this chance again. Without this fight, we can’t make America great (as some political slogan goes).

Can I be part of this journey of seeking love and justice until we attain the fullness of unity? And would you?

This has been my journey so far. And I humbly want to ask this question. Can I be part of this journey? I might offend you because of my version of “justice” might be different from you. I might offend you because of my ignorance or illiteracy. Would you still have me in this journey? Can I seek your favor and grace?

Also, want to ask you this. Would you be part of this journey or seeking love and justice?. We all are beautifully and wonderfully made to seek justice and seek true unity in love. Only after every respective party and community come to the place of seeking both justice and love, we will be able to truly experience who we always meant to be.

#CanIbepartofthisjourney? #DoesBlacklivesmatter? #Ofcourseitdoes #Blacklivesareworthy #Blacklivesarebeloved #Blacklivesareneeded #Asiansforblacklives #Untilthedateweattainthefullunity

ON THE TEMPERATURE OF THE MOMENT……

Obviously, there is a lot going on right now, but honestly, after this many occurrences, I’m desensitized. After this much I’m exhausted. Is it bad that I expected white outrage over protests and white silence over the issue? That I expected black outrage and black exhaustion? I expected media twists and crazy comments from the “President” of the USA. I expected anger to last a week or 2 and die.

Well, I did. But there are so many things I did not expect.

I did not expect multiple of my NON-BLACK friends to check in on me and even ask me if I PERSONALLY need anything. Not to ask me what can they do or to explain what happened but to make sure I am doing okay mentally.

I did not expect my predominantly white church to surprise cancel evening services and replace them with an hour and a half of super real and valuable conversation with black members that did not hold back on the black perspective (seriously they called out themselves for the fact that black people can follow white pastors but rarely do white people follow black pastors), educated non-blacks, and told them that it is their responsibility to also educate themselves.

I did not expect to take a Peloton class with my man and have him not only lower the music just to announce that as a white person he is done being silent but also literally pressure his viewers to do the same. He said he was angry. He said enough is enough. He also spent his time calling out #blacklivesmatter and #iRidewithAhmaud hashtags instead “KarenRides4Wine”. OH, and he literally tied back every exercise to being strong and fighting for the movement. #wow

I did not expect to go through Facebook and see SO MANY “Black Lives Matter” posts from people who NEVER speak on these topics or even post at all. Every single post made my heart melt. Especially the ones that took it further by going into more detail.

I did not expect my entire music industry to go SILENT, especially during COVID, to create a space for dialogue and conversation. And on top of that giving out resources via their channels and emails on how to educate yourself and the many ways to DO something and how to be safe during protesting.

I did not expect to see so many non-black friends take such huge stances from public speeches, to dedicating their social media platforms to the cause, to creating art and spreading awareness.

I always expect to feel dark, avoidant and protective of my overly empathetic heart especially at a time like Corona where I am already struggling.

I ALWAYS have my black community. This time they’re showing up strong by not only emphasizing peace but also sharing their messages of hope and love, not hate, and by opening up to share trauma from their past so that people know we are not making our black experiences up. Bless you.

But I did not expect for so many of my non-black friends to be the ones giving me the strength to feel above the line and finally not alone in my blackness. Thank you.

I always feel so stuck underwater…but now I’m treading. The boat isn’t here yet and I haven’t yet made it to land but this is huge progress.

I’m currently obsessed with one of the Greek words for love “Philia”: The highest valued form of love for the Greeks, philia concerns the deep comradely friendship that develops between brothers in arms who fight side by side on the battlefield. It Is about showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for them, as well as sharing your emotions with them. I’m so so happy to have Philia with so many of you. And I’m so proud.

At a time like this, I am enamored that I have had many moments of tears of JOY. I know the fight is not over, but this time around just feels different. Everyone of every race is finally asking “what’s after the protest”. Sharing resources where you can sign ALL the petitions, even somehow affect voting in a swing state.

I’m so grateful for literally everyone in my life and so proud of literally all of my friends. If I must say so myself, “I did good” with my circle.

Love you all, Peace & Love

This is the final of a five-part series. Find the first part here, the second part here, , the third part here, and the fourth part here.

Seeking Love Truthfully

To seek the justice, I have to be honest and truthful to the people I love and I want to extend my heart. So here we go. Some tough conversations.

1. To my Asian Immigrant church:

I confess that I was somewhat disappointed/disheartened by us, whose congregation is predominantly Koreans and Korean Americans, for not engaging in this matter meaningfully and/or actively (in my standards, of course). Maybe disappointment is an unfair (and a strong) word as I expected the case. I can relate to where they are coming from as first generation immigrants. Some of them, including the senior pastor at our church, experienced a traumatic tragedy in 1992 LA riots. Senior pastored shared his story. During the riot, as he was trying to protect his uncle’s gas station, he was confronted by an African American who made a trigger gesture with hand towards his head and said “Go back to your country you XYZ”.

For the Asian Immigrants who escaped from the turmoil of their mother lands and worked extremely hard to earn their current lives, the riots and looting can be traumatizing. Also, there seem to be enough issues at hand with the pandemic, economic turmoils, political issues in their mother lands, etc. Lastly, there’s always a tension between actively engaging in the issues in society vs remaining in the ‘spiritual matter’ and don’t let the church be politicized. I fully acknowledge all of these, and I deeply deeply love my church. And I refuse to call our church “complicit”. In fact, who am I, and how dare I am, to call our parents generation “complicit”. I absolutely don’t want to be the Elihu in the story of Job (Job 32), who stated all the “righteous” points without the spirit of humbleness/grace (at least that’s how I perceive his spirit in the story of Job). Following comments from another Asian American explains better than me on this.

I certainly agree that we must stand with the African Americans in this, but I don’t think we (Asian American) are complicit. No way for me, I have passion against injustice and cruelty of all kinds from the days of immigrating here and realizing that “Chink” was an insult resulting in stitches and 2 black eyes. And a lifetime lesson from my dad that all humans are racist, learning a song they used to taunt German-Chinese kids in Tsing Tao as a boy..

I’ve always seen racial prejudice, as well as gender prejudice, as a human foiable that we are all possibly guilty of, at some point, because it is human nature. How we manage our inner thoughts situationally is our own responsibility, and it’s too simple to say Asian Americans have taken the easy ride.

Look at Japanese Interment and the wonderful work Mineta, the local law firm, and all the Japanese Americans did to get that righted. That work has deep meaning to Chinese Americans now as the politics swing against our kids for generations to come. Look at the work that the SF Chinese business guild did to support Chinese immigrants, winning the Citizen by Birthright case in 1898 at the Supreme Court that has benefitted so many American-born kids.

So yes to supporting change against injustice, yes I always took a knee. But no, we don’t need more gaslighting. We each are working in this soup against some tough hurdles, and we all have to help each other to attain the society that our Constitution lays out. It’s only 250+ yrs old, and Rome lasted 1000s. It’s too simple to say we didn’t help African Americans. Ask how many immigrant families could help their own community. It’s not easy, when you don’t get privilege, and it’s even less easy if we don’t have a voice in society, that is cohesive.

What I hope is our community will start discussing things, instead of just pressing likes or reading and not contributing. I’d love to learn if I’m disagreed with, or wrong, no worries. Lots to learn with our time left.

That said, I believe it’s an about time to engage more with what’s going on in US in our own unique, and meaningful way. I’m not suggesting we start tweeting #BLM on our social media nor donating funds towards this movement. I just want to invite our congregation to start talking about these and pray about these matters more. Let me share three points.

• 1) Seeking social justice is right thing to do as Christians. This goes against the notion of so-called let’s just stay in “spiritual lane”. Pastor Damos really hit the nail on this point at his sermon here. He quoted followings from Ronald Rolheiser’s book, the Holy Longing. He introduced how Jesus directly and publicly, named and rebuked a social injustice when he healed a man with withered hand on a Sabbath (Mark 3). He did it knowing that this can deeply offend those with religious and cultural power, and will eventually cause him to die. His anger was holy and his action was beautiful. We are called to name and engage to bring about social justice as the follower of Jesus.
• (Update: As I’ve been praying about this topic, I realized this is no simple question and there’s no single cut answer here on “what’s right thing to do as a christian and/or as a body of christ (church). It can be (and may well be) different based on the time, circumstances, the season, and many more. Jesus didn’t fight for an immediate social injustice (Roman empire) but he fought for oppressing laws/legacies that are taxing the people and distorting god’s words (rebuking the temple merchants, rebuking Pharisees especially for things like distorting the spirit of Law — Sabbath (Mark3)). So it’s really interesting what Jesus did, and how we engage with social injustice/cry/hurt can be very complex topic indeed. This might be a follow up series.)

Social justice is about how systems affect us, especially adversely. It is very important that this be understood. It is not enough simply to be a good person within our own private lives. We can morally impeccable within our private lives (prayful, kind, honest, gentle, and generous) and still, at the same time, unknowingly, participate in and help sustain (through our work, our political affiliations, our economic ideology, our investments, and simply by our consumeristic lifestyle) systems which are far from charitable, gentle, prayful, and moral. While the system gives us a good life, it is far less kind to others… To practice social justice is to examine, challenge, refuse as far as possible to participate, and try to change those systems (economic, social, political, cultural, and religious) that unjustly penalize some even as they unjustly reward others.

• 2) This is an invitation to pay back to the society. I realized this during my prayer. This is our humble acknowledgment and gesture to thank America for who they are, and pay back for what she has done for us.
• 3) This is an invitation to further united with our spiritual brothers and sisters. We as immigrant church has been mono-ethnic church and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, being able to connect with people from different culture are a huge blessing (1 Cor 12) and this can be a great opportunity that we can meaningfully love those who are mourning and inviting them to our world. I view this as a great privilege and path for a bigger blessing. We will be further mature and complete when we seek and achieve unity in love from all walks of lives, to the best of our ability.
• (Update: As I’ve been meditating this part — what’s our role, as an Immigrant church, on this outcry of the nation? And I see a great potential and a riddle here. We might hold an important key in the spiritual realm. (I’m in complete agreement with Asia Rising’s Jason’s prayer at here. Yes, Asia needs to rise up (as a servant) in the spiritual realm. We need to be and will be awaken. We will do our part. That’s god’s beautiful, marvelous, and wonderful plan. )Yes, we have not been the most direct stakeholders in the issue of racism, and we might don’t have the most skin in the game yet. However, what if God desires us to join this journey actively? What if, especially because what happened in 1992 LA riot and the histories of conflicts of Asian/Black that there’s an important work of “reconciliation” remains? What if, god wants us, as an immigrant church, to notice the blessing we got so far didn’t come without the cost of our brothers (slavery/racial oppression), and he is extending an invitation for us to pay back? What if God is saying something like this?. Oh, this can easily be another separate write up. I’ll press this in my prayer further.)

I heard the cry of you and I took you from a nation with no worship to US to worship me. And what you’ve done so far, building up a family of worshipers, and connecting corporately to worship me (so called Immigrant church) has been a huge delight for me. Now, I want to invite you to a new season. Do you see the cry of the nation? Do you see the hurt of the people? Do you see that you guys are actually brothers and sisters? That we are one family? Can you partner with my son Jesus to bring restoration in the midst of chaos? In the midst of the hurt? I want to give you a chance to embrace your brothers and sisters. And I knew you had a bad fight before. I know that he was really hard on you (1992 riots, etc) before. I know how hurtful it was. However, have you ever considered how hard it has been for your brother? Certain looks you had, certain ways of you and your church reacted, can you see that it was extremely hurting for them? Also, have you ever recognized their afflictions, their hurts, and their loneliness? Have you ever considered you climbing up the social ladders and submitting to the system can rub your fellow brothers in an unintended way? Yes, I want you to notice and recognize those parts. I know it’s not easy. But you can do it cause you are my beloved child. It’s time to do some work Son. I’m inviting you to a new season. I want you to know that your inheritance is much bigger and as an heir, it’s your privilege to actively engage with your brothers and sisters. With the land you are in. That’s the worship I desire from you in this season.

2. To my Christian friends who support Republican party no matter what:

This is a very sensitive topic but let me take a risk here. I acknowledge this conversation might needs a whole separate writings and set-ups to fully unpack. That said, I’ll briefly leave my points here as an invitation to talk.

I understand why a good amount of conservative christians support Republican party, almost to the level that this becomes their “holy battle”. You might say this is to save the christian country from the liberal forces who might be influenced by spiritual forces. This is to protect America from the cultural war, the gender war, the war of individualism, etc. And thus for you to engage in #BLM or raise voice for racial justice might seem to go against your political identity. Believe me, I understand. I share multiple similar sentiments that there are important justices and truths that Republicans in general are representing.

But but but…I invite you to consider that what areas of Justice seeking efforts we might be missing out when we choose to support a party or a leader no matter what. I invite you to consider our strategy as a Christians in this complex spiritual battle. This isn’t for me to drive any conclusion but to invite you to contemplate on these questions. The way I see it is this. If the current leadership doesn’t take time to repent and seek grace humbly for certain hurtful comments or disrespectful gestures, they might not be able to protect the justice their supporters desperately seek let alone the racial injustice.

3. To my friends who are saying “Why are we just talking about Racial justice here?” How about other lives? (#AllLivesMatter)? I don’t see the fundamental issue here is the Racism:

First of all, I want to acknowledge, and personally extend my gratitude, for being truthful and stating unpopular opinion. I know what it feels like defending a truth that you seek when the majority of society is questioning your character for doing so. It might seem that people don’t know how to engage in a conversation with a clear logic, not with a fully charged emotion. I want to acknowledge this.

Secondly, I want you to know that I’ve trying to understand your view points by listening to/reading multiple thoughts/perspectives related to this line of thoughts. I’ve watched the entire film of Cadence Owens that states George Floyd’s image is made up by media and used politically. I’ve watched Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, and other black men shared their perspective on racism, saying it’s being overrated and talking about it can create even more hard. I’ve subscribed to multiple stats including this write up that says systemic police racism is a myth. I’ve seen from a twitter post that shows the mention about “Racism” has been growing exponentially in the medias such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and CNN, all of which are classified as Lean Left media according to Allsides.com media bias chart, for the past few years, and thus pose logical questions such as: Is the issue of “Racism” politicized and being used as a weapon from Left party?

Related, I also want you to know that certain version of BLM and protest, can be and might be not biblical. If they are in Quadrant 2(seeking only their version of justice with no spirit of humbleness, seeking unity (for more on this thoughts, please read my previous posting on this matter regarding 2x2 JusticexLove model) mode, you might think, there’ no spirit of grace here: There’s no acknowledgment of confession of one’s own sin, no acknowledgement of forgiving someone the wrongs done against you, etc. And it can be deeply offensive to those hold different views, and can even be a threat to the society.

With all that said, here’s a few points that I want to communicate with you.

• 1) I first want to, again, acknowledge that there are parts that you know better than I do, and I might be wrong. You might be right in certain stats. You might be right in “Racism” is being manipulated by left political party. You might be right that there are multiple, extremely dangerous institutions and forces are taking advantage of this moment. I want to ask for you to help me educate more on this matter humbly. If there’s any information you want me to know, I’d deeply appreciate you share with me.
• 2) My second point is regarding the thought “All Lives Matter”. Let me share a refreshing thoughts on this point that I encountered on social media.

If you are running a marathon for breast cancer, how would you feel if someone crashed the party and said “all cancer matters”? If you’re talking to a friend about an insecurity you have, how would you feel if they shifted the conversation and dismissed it by saying “all of us have insecurities?” How about Coronavirus” If you just lost a loved one to the disease, how would you feel if someone said to you “we’ve all lost loved one?” In all three of those instances, what’s being said is true. But it’s dismissive and heartless to say those things in the middle of someone’s pain. It doesn’t validate what they’re going through. And if we’re doing our best to follow the way of Jesus, we wouldn’t communicate that way in any of our relationships and friendships.

• And even if you still believe it’s extremely important to stay on your truth, I invite you to consider/listen to how certain remarks make other people feel, and thus use the choice of word extra carefully. I’m sure intentionally intimidating others are not at all your intention here, as an African American lady posted in her article that: “Some of you White men are extremely condescending, and we know you do it intentionally to intimidate and bully.”. Certain situation calls for extra gentleness, compassion, thoughtfulness, and love. And I believe this is one of those situations.
• 3) Also, related to point2, my third point is that let’s tackle one important issue at a time, and believe it’s time to seriously engage in a battle of “Racism”. Pastor Bill Johnson said this nicely in his sermon on 31st May — I get that there are other important matters but let’s tackle one at a time. I view this as a once a life time chance for America to make a meaningful progress on the issue of Racism that is taxing the society in so many ways. This remains the same, even in the case that the the tragedy of George Floyd wasn’t a racial issue (nor racially motivated). It wouldn’t be wise for us to lose on this opportunity.

4. To my friends I can’t support BLM (or calling for racial justice corporately) because it’s not biblical and it’s also being used as a political weapon.

I’ve heard multiple Christian friends saying they can’t support BLM because it’s not biblical and it’s being used as a political weapon.

First of all, I first want to acknowledge that there are multiple things that we are in agreement. I agree that some of those “calling for justice cry” aren’t biblical when they are in Quadrant 2, judging/being self-righteous/injecting guilt&shame/condemning, etc. I am also concerned about the movement being used politically. I’m by no means an expert in US politics nor supporting a certain political party or a specific bill/law/case is not my intention in writing this at all. I found this comment that I found on twitter extremely compelling (100% agreed).

It seems that the left who supports BLM wishes to remedy problems systemically and by assigning guilt on a group level whereas a biblical approach is on the individual and everyday living. Plus the left sympathizes with practices the Bible calls sin.

Secondly, I want to acknowledge that I don’t know the BLM movement ins and out, nor the organization behind, let alone the complex political forces/agendas that are intertwined with the movement.

That said, I believe church needs to actively step into where the hurt is at, and advocate for the cry/hurts from the racial injustice. Here’s my points.

• 1) Church has responsibility to own the hurt racial injustice inflicted. Corporate responsibility is biblical — Joshua 7, Daniel 9, Roman 5. Tim Keller explains this so well at his 2012 writeup, Racism and Corporate Evil. And this writeup, “Justice Too Long Delayed” explains where church might have stumbled before, and how she can makes restitution for racial sin.
• 2) Church is needed. In fact, christ is the only hope. The entire BLM movement, and even more, the entire cry to seek racial justice, needs to be redeemed, and they desperately need Christ, which is what we can and should offer as follower of Christ. We, as followers of christ, are called to bring Quadrant 2 cry of seeking justice in to Quadrant 3 version of restorative justice. And that only comes when there’s a humble cry for the hurt of the people in Quadrant 2. The spirit of repentance/grace/asking for forgiveness. Our role might not be to argue what’s right or wrong. We are called to mourn with those who mourn (Matt 5). We are called to intercede and bring healing. In that sense, we need to step into BLM and the cry of “racial justice” with our tears, our repentance, our version of seeking love/grace, to bring the spirit of Jesus into the movement.

5. Lastly, to my African American friends and whoever is reading this:

I just want you to thank you for reading this far and engaging with me. I want to thank your ancestors who built this country with blood, sweat, and tears. I want to thank your fathers and grand fathers who fought for the Korean war and supported economy for Korean to immigrate to the land of promise.

To this date, I humbly confess that I haven’t taken any outward actions in supporting #BLM, and I don’t think I am at a stage in committing any hard resources (whether it’s my finance, time, etc) publicly yet. I need a lot of grace, a lot of patience and mercy from you all in my journey on this new territory. If there’s any things you want me to know, I humbly ask you to share with me.

This is the fourth part of a give-part series. Click here to read the final one. Find the first part here, the second part here, and the third part here.

This is a four-part series of “Seeking Restorative Justice in America”. Find the first part here (introducing Justice X Love Model), the second part here (Seeking Restorative Justice in Society, Church and Politics), and the fourth part here (Seeking Restorative Justice in America as an Asian Immigrant_Part2: Love)

Enough of other people, how am I going to seek justice and seek love in the midst of great distress in American society?

Seeking Justice Humbly

To begin my journey of ‘seeking justice’ with the spirit of ‘love’, I had to constantly fight against my soul that desires to just act. I had to remain truthful and take one tiny step at a time. Here’s my past 10 days of journey.

Internalizing the matter with authenticity

First of all, before I take any stance (let alone adding anything on my social media), I tried to internalize the situation and collect my thoughts/minds truthfully. As an Asian who’s only been in this country less than 10 years at a liberal state of CA, jumping into the issue of “racism” didn’t come naturally. I didn’t want to impulsively jump on social media hashtag without fully digesting the matter. I certainly didn’t wanted to compromise my integrity when I noticed urging others to name one’s stance can easily be another form of violence. (e.g. People are calling on Dr. Tim Keller’s instagram feed to voice whether he stands for #BLM or not.) Also, I felt doing so without sincere heart can be empty, disingenuous, hypocritical “moral credentialing.”, and even offensive.

I also took time to ask questions — is this a battle I am called to fight? At times, there are many other justice seeking movements in Asia that are more personal and thus I feel more called to have a long-term sincere engagement. What if there are multiple conflicting justices? How about me supporting one justice (e.g. #BLM)might without me knowing, endorsing certain political framework and thus harm another justice (e.g. safety and security of small business that are threatened by looting)? I took time to contemplate on these questions.

Listening and getting myself educated, humbly

My second step has been getting myself educated, humbly. This meant acknowledging my ignorance on these complex, multi-layered matters. This also meant recognizing my natural desire to stay in my clan by keep feeding myself with the identical, self-reinforcing viewpoints. In other words, I realized digesting information only from my so-called preferred sources is extremely dangerous and I must deliberately chose to consume different view points. So I went outside of my comfort-zone to learn and listen. As I read information from social media, thought leaders, and different medias, I tried very carefully to surround myself with multiple view points while always evaluating the sources/contexts with critical lenses. I also reached out to people I trust who knows this matter much better than I do (both African American, white, asian, etc) to learn and listen. This is my way of building muscles on an issue that I’ve had very little understanding and skin in the game. To this date, I admit that I’m in a very basic stage in my understanding of the issue “racism” and overall social injustice in US.

I spent bulk of my time getting my self educated with the issue of “Racism” and “Racial injustice”. Let me share what I’ve learned so far. I loved how late president Obama clearly states the cause of the protest, and share his advices on how to make it constructive. I learned this has been gradually built up lately and there’s a lot to be learned from the history from Trevor Noah as he lays out multiple latest incidents, and he pointed out similarity with the war between black and white in South Africa (btw, if you haven’t read his biography, I highly recommend it! Born a Crime).

More than anything else, I learned so much about the issue from Reality SF sermon series of “Racism”. I loved, loved how Pastor Dave Lomas introduce this sensitive topic. In the first sermon of this series, When we talk and what we talk about Race, He addressed several heavy questions such as “Is it right that church discuss such a social and political matter?” first, and share how much of Racism is deeply ingrained in this society.

Do we talk about this at church? Absolutely. Apostle Paul confronted Peter at the early church saying Peter was acting in a racily prejudiced way by not extending equal grace to the gentiles, and this isn’t living in line with the truth of the gospel. Naming Racism and rooting it out is deeply in line with the truth of the gospel. Racism is made by human to oppress other human being. To inflict upon power and discrimination. It started and stemmed in the inception of this country…

I found his next sermon, Disrupting Racism, deeply inspiring and concrete. The process of healing and reconciliation was actually very much similar to the healings from other sins and structural injustices (which reminds of this talk — Fight like a peacemaker, where she talks about conflict resolution between married couple). Let me introduce step by step action plans to disrupt racism by Dave Lomas.

• 1. We must allow ourselves to be disrupted by the holy spirit.
• 2. No one understands when Racism is and where it hides. Even implicit Racism needs to be called out.
• 3. We need to build racial stamina. We need to staying in the conversation no matter how painful it is.
• 4. We need to expel Individualism. Social structural evil needs to be recognized and dealt with.
• 5. Lament. Lamenting is a heavy work. It’s a concrete action that will bear fruits.

Other talks/sermon shared the similar sentiments.

• Balancing Lamenting and Action introduced 7 steps to help balance being vs doing: 1. Prayer → 2. Listen → 3. Self-awareness → 4. Seek wisdom/guidance+be focused → 5. Don’t be deterred (be faithful) → 6. Pace ourself → 7. Grace seeking
• After pastor Dihan Lee convicts us that we are designed to be different but united through the difference in his sermon about Racism, he shared three steps: 1. Lamenting 2. Listen and ask good questions 3. Advocating was refreshing.
• Bethel Church’s senior pastor Eric Johnson shared how complex of a matter this is (saying it’s not a 2D conversation), and called all of us to engage in this matter with scripture of biblical view, not the political view or any other worldly view. His recommended steps are very much in line with others. 1. Be humbled. 2. Pray. 3. Learn (from experts and from scripture, not from a self-selected media). 4. Step in and engage.
• And as always, Praxis shares refreshing thoughts and leadership on this matter. I enjoyed Dave’s Race & Redemptive Entrepreneurship and even borrowed his opening on the opening of the part1 of this series.

Lastly, hearing directly from African American friends as well as learning what other African American fellow brothers and sisters are going through has been deeply instrumental in my journey of learning. This write-ups from a Black hiphop artist Shai made me teared up and mourning. Let me quote a few paragraphs on his reply to a Christian white sister’s email “how are you doing”

I am heartbroken and devastated. I feel gutted. I haven’t been able to focus on much at all since I saw the horrific video of George Floyd’s murder. The image of that officer with hand in pocket as he calmly and callously squeezed the life out of that man while he begged for his life is an image that will haunt me until the day I die. But it’s not just the video of this one incident. For many black people, it’s never about just one incident. Just as it wasn’t just about the videos of Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, Sandra Bland, Laquan McDonald, Walter Scott, Rodney King, etc., etc., etc., etc.

This is about how being a black man in America has shaped both the way I see myself and the way others have seen me my whole life. It’s about being told to leave the sneaker store as a 12-year-old, because I was taking too long to decide which sneakers I wanted to buy with my birthday money and the white saleswoman assumed I was in the store to steal something.

It’s about being handcuffed and thrown into the back of a police car while walking down the street during college, and then waiting for a white couple to come identify whether or not I was the one who’d committed a crime against them, knowing that if they said I was the one, I would be immediately taken to jail, no questions asked.

It’s about walking down the street as a young man and beginning to notice that white people, women especially, would cross to the other side of the street to avoid walking past me — and me beginning to preemptively cross to the other side myself to save them the trouble of being afraid and to save me the humiliation of that silent transaction.

It’s about taking a road trip with my sons to visit Blair’s family in Michigan — and my greatest fear being getting pulled over for no reason other than driving while black, told to get out of the car, cuffed, and sat down on the side of the road, utterly emasculated and humiliated with my young boys looking out the window, terrified, which is exactly what happened to a good friend of mine when he took his family on a road trip.

It’s about the exhaustion of constantly feeling I have to assert my humanity in front of some white people I’m meeting for the first time, to let them know, “Hey! I’m not a threat! You don’t need to be afraid. If you got to know me, I’m sure we have things in common!”

It’s about me sometimes asking my wife to do things in certain customer-service situations, since I know she’ll likely get treated better than I will.

It’s about borrowing a baby swing from a white friend in our mostly white suburb of D.C. and her telling me, “Sure you can borrow it. I have to step out, but I’ll leave it on the porch for you. Just go grab it” — and then feeling heart palpitations as my car approached her home, debating whether or not to get the swing and being terrified as I walked up the steps that someone would think I was stealing it and call the cops on me.

It’s about intentionally making sure the carseats are in the car, even if the kids aren’t, so that when (not “if” — it happens all the time) I’m stopped by the police, they will perhaps notice the carseats and also the wedding band on one of my visible hands on the wheel (which I’ve been taught to keep there and not move until he tells me to — and even then, in an exaggeratedly slow manner) and will perhaps think to himself, This man is married with a family and small kids like me. Maybe he wants to get home safely to his family just like I do.

It’s about having to explain to my 4-year-old son at his mostly white Christian school that the kids who laughed at him for having brown skin were wrong, that God made him in his image, and that his skin is beautiful — after he told me, “Daddy, I don’t want brown skin. I want white skin.”

It’s about having what feels like genuine fellowship with my white brothers and sisters who share the same Reformed theology — until I mention racism, injustice, or police brutality, at which point I’m looked at skeptically as if I embrace a “social gospel” or am some kind of “liberal” or “social justice warrior.”

And it’s about sometimes feeling like some of my white friends aren’t that particularly interested in truly knowing me — at least not in any meaningful way that might actually challenge their preconceptions. Rather, it feels like they use me to feel better about themselves because I check off the “black friend” box. Much more could be mentioned. These were the first things that came to mind.

So when I watch a video like George Floyd’s, it represents for me the fresh reopening of a deep wound and the reliving of layers of trauma that get exponentially compounded each time a well-meaning white friend says, “All lives matter.” Of course they do, but in this country, black lives have been treated like they don’t matter for centuries and present inequities in criminal justice, income, housing, health care, education, etc. show that all lives don’t actually matter like they should.

Praying and lamenting

One of the greatest blessings to be a Christian is that I can get to pray and lament/engage with an issue that has been outside of me. In this sense, prayer is essential step to enlarge my heart, to understand and to connect with those who are afflicted. Ever since the tragic incident happened, I started praying and feeling the pain of the nation (especially the black and brown community’s pain) in my soul. I couldn’t stop but lameting. I lamented with the prayer of John Piper. I lamented with pastor Dihan Lee and Renew LA church as they invited everyone to pray together for the lost souls and generational sins of the nation.

As I pray, for the first time in my life, I was able to embrace how much I benefited from America, and how much I love her.

Thanks to her, my mother land South Korea were able to protect its freedom from communist party. My father, who were born before the 1950 Korean war, could’ve carried on his life in a democratic society where they leveraged American’s aid to build the miracle of Han-river. And most of all, thanks to the value she holds in the constitution and the society to this date, I was able to met Christ at the age of 29. I came to understand that those grace didn’t just born out of one day nor come without a cost. America was started at the expense of brown native American and grew at the expense of black African American. I shared the sentiment that thanks to Black community’s support, Asian American can maintain its current states as these two thoughts claim: Hasan: we (Asians) can’t stay silent, Asian American Complicity in Racism.

Repenting, examining my day to day lives in a different lense, and start making a small but continuous lifestyle changes

I’m about to be really vulnerable here. What happened today is that as I’m writing this article, I made a lunch delivery. And as I’ve been doing for the past 9 yrs ever since I came to US, I lowered the tip from suggested 15% to 12%. Yes, I did that. To give you a pretty lame excuse, I never got used to paying tips as it doesn’t exist in the country I’m from and I never tipped for the first 30 yrs of my life. And also, living in bay area with single income with 3 kids, I’m still struggling to pay the rent and earn grocery money. That said, I realized how hypocritical I am when I saw this African American man who handed over my $20 lunch with a big smile that only African American brother has. He was filled with joy as he drove an old sedan with loud hip-hop music. I felt so little at that moment. I was convicted that my version of seeking social justice should come from repenting my ignorance, not just in my head knowledge, but in my entire lifestyle. I realized I need them more than they need me. He didn’t need extra $1 from me, but I need to start practicing generous giving and extending my love in order to break my bubble and connect to his world.

Let me be clear. I’m not here saying that we should tip more to fight racial injustice nor I’m categorizing my black/brown brothers/sisters’ social classes. How dare am I if I attempt to do so. And I don’t think I’ve been racism by my stingy tipping habits. My point here is that I learned the importance of making a small lifestyle change in participating the journey of brining more “social justice”, before I do anything big. So what I did? Yes, I changed my tip % to 20%. But more importantly, I made up my mind to start examining my life 360 degree, and make continuous efforts to fight against structural injustice.

This is the third post of a four-part series. Find the last part here . Also, you can find the first part here and the second part here.

“Restorative Justice seeking” in the society

From the model above, Looting and Racism belongs in quadrant 3. And a good majority behaviors seem to be in quadrant 2 in a heated season like this where everyone is so charged up.

However, there’s a lot, a lot to be hopeful. I’ve seen numerous example of practicing “restorative justice”, the quadrant 1 behavior.

For the African American Community, those who are hurt, this might mean extending favor and give another chance to the community who hurt them. This can be extremely hurting. This might need enormous amount of patience and courage. What Shai, a black Christian hip hop artist shared through his writing, was exactly this gesture (recommend a read to everyone. Let me introduce first part of his answer regarding a which christian friend’s email “how are you doing”).

Sister, I’m going to tell you how I’m doing. And as I tell you, please understand that I’m incapable of completing this message without weeping. There’s a part of me that’s saying, “Spare yourself the pain, Shai. It’s not worth it.” But I’m choosing not to listen to that part of me because I would be robbing you of an opportunity to “bear one another’s burdens” and “mourn with those who mourn” — and I’m sure, as a sister in Christ, you want to do just that.

For the Asian American Community, this might mean exploring untapped territory of “racism”. This might mean listen, reflect, learn, engage, and lament. This might be humbly owning the past ignorance and complacency, or secretly practicing some of those, and asking for forgiveness.

For the White Community with power, this might mean humbly acknowledging the lack of awareness on the issue of racism, extending hands gently by asking thoughtful questions, and even directly making certain deliberate choices to advocate for people with color. (Reddit cofounder, resigning as a member of the reddit board and urging to fill his seat with the black community.)

For those who are angry with current leadership, this might mean a peaceful protesting. This might mean listening carefully and extending grace/honor/respect in areas to your best ability.

For those who are in the leadership, this might mean being humbled and admitting certain carelessness/ignorances/miss communications. You can still do your job (leading with stability) while being empathetic and compassionate. This is where police kneel down in front of the protestor. This is where leader admits their wrongdoings.

For those who are following private institutions’ (including private companies) respond to the #BLM, this might mean giving them a favor and room so that they can stay truthful for who they are.

For those who are already supporting #BLM and other justice seeking movement actively, this might mean extending gentle invitation to other people who are still processing. This might mean leading by doing instead of preaching, and be more inwardly focused than outwardly focused which can easily be judgmental.

For those who are protesting, this might mean engaging peacefully and respect police officers and non-protestors. This might mean be extra careful so that looting doesn’t take place.

“Restorative Justice seeking” in churches

Multiple Christian churches have demonstrated their attempts to seek Justice and Grace (will share more below). One of the most inspiring attempts I found is this TMP gathering from a church in South California. A group of friends who holds different backgrounds and perspectives — African American, White, Asian, and Hispanic- had an open conversations about “Racism”. They shared different experiences and thoughts, whether it’s the hurt they had in the past or the concerns that it’s being used to divide society. Throughout the whole time, they were being truthful but also being humble and graceful. It was a beautiful conversation (and I’m so sorry that they had to put it back from youtube.). Here’s the key quotes from the conversation.

Del: I’m learning how to lead people I disagree with because that’s what Jesus had to do. What we need to hear is not speaking through the flesh, but speaking through the Spirit.

Will: We need to sit down at the dinner table and love each other, letting the covenant of brotherly and sisterly love to unite us despite our political opinions.

Denise: We should be determined to give honor and stand to our convictions while being ready to embrace those consequences, because our trust has to be in the lord.

Ali: Although I am hurting, I’m finding that the lord has been healing me because I’m brining myself before the lord saying, Lord search my own heart.

Sammy: I want to listen because I cannot have an opinion about the black community until I know about the black community.

Jason: We should model our social media platforms to lean in and address these personal issues while empowering our communities to respond in love and good influence.

Another conversations that I found extremely refreshing is from the Bethel Church. Similar to the conversation above, bethel church pastors engage in an open conversation about “Racism”. And it’s so truthful. It made me teared up. The African American lady shared why the tragic death of George Floyd shook her identity to the core and further traumatized her. Another African American lady shared what it’s like to tell her teenage boy what to do and how to behave when confronted with an unpleasant situation with a white person in a public space. It was less than an hour conversation but I can see the hope and glimpse of healing of generational scar. It was such a beautiful conversations.

“Restorative Justice seeking” in politics

Before I jump on this sensitive subject that I am by no means an expert (I even don’t have a voting right), let me make my intension clear. I’m not here to support either Democratic party nor Republican party. I just wanted to share my view points on the current political leadership with the above-mentioned framework.

Let me be extra clear here again, this is a sensitive manner. I’m not here to condemn anyone. I’m not here to qualifying or discrediting one’s character. I’m not here to discount how hard is to be in the leadership position. As someone who served in Military and Government before, I’ve learned how complex politics can be, and I developed tremendous amount of respect towards leaders. Also, as a Christian, I’m praying for the leader. I just wanted to simply ‘analyze’ their leadership based on the behaviors and words they’ve used in the midst of chaos and tragedy.

I can’t stop but thinking the current president’s leadership is in quadrant 2 (seeking justice but no vulnerability) and often even be portrayed/interpreted in quadrant 3 (no justice, no vulnerability). Even the conservative columnist Rob Dreher analyzed that the day P Trump took this photo-ops on the bible is the date he lost his presidency. Rob points out Trump’s weakness bluntly. He did pointed out that the enemy might not play clean, but he also mentioned that that’s part of his job, and at least from what’s portrayed publicly, his strategy seems to be not working.

Trump’s weakness does not necessarily consist of his not sending in troops to shoot looters. It consists of him having no idea what to do other than create a pathetic propaganda moment that is so transparently cheap that it makes you throw up a little bit in your mouth. This is the act of a weak man who is left with nothing but to stand in front of a church flashing a Bible like a gang sign to get conservative Christians in line. He has power, but no authority. People will not forgive him for his mishandling of this crisis

Trump’s controversial tweet — looting and shooting (“Any difficulty and we will assume control but, when the looting starts, the shooting starts.)” has created much more conflicts, divisions and distrust including what we hear about Facebook founder’s stressful situation with their employee. The consistent “Law & Order” tweet and “Thank you Mr. Trump” further turns people off. It’s disheartening to see that even people within his own political camp are starting to raise voice and leave him. Rob Dreher wrote “Fleeing the collapsing imperium” saying conservatives are leaving him. Anne Applebaum wrote an essay at Atlantic comparing Republican leaders who support Donal Trump to Eastern Europeans who collaborated with Soviet-sponsored regimes, calling republicans to stop collaborate. Former President George Bush, Senator Mitt Romney, and Colin Powell announced that they won’t support Trump anymore. This, for me, is a clear evidence of the limitation of quadrant 2 leadership (no love/vulnerability) which can never bring restorative justice. Former US secretary of defense, James Mattis’, put it so bluntly.

Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people — does not even pretend to try. Instead he tries to divide us. We are witnessing the consequences of three years of this deliberate effort. We are witnessing the consequences of three years without mature leadership.

Enough of Trump’s leadership, what I’m noticing from other leader’s remarks aren’t that different when it comes to vulnerability (Joe Biden’s speech regarding nationwide protests). Political views aside, their stance seem to be in quadrant 2. To be fair, that’s what they are called/elected to do at this moment. That might be the name of the game in politics and I’m being naive. But my analysis remains the same.

I can’t stop but hoping for the quadrant 1 leadership. Truthful but empathetic. Clearly stating your position while leaving room for course correction. And this video from Coumo was such a refreshing one. On June 2nd during his daily briefing, he calmly unpacks the current leadership and social crisis with numbers and analysis, clearly states the role of government, shares the plan, and call for the support. On June 3rd, he also calls for the support for police, and inspire the audience with a path towards reconciliation. He shared his support for the one action of Justice seeking — protesting, saying it’s a “righteous indignation”. He also emphasized there’s another justice we shouldn’t forget — empowering police and maintaining safety&stability. And he is inviting everyone to be vulnerable by introducing the value of unity, non-violence, peace seeking.

I found this thoughts — America is in the middle of a hybrid civil war- refreshing and truthful. Can’t agree more. What America needs desperately is the “restorative leadership” that can lead her to reconciliation process.

The movement of calling justice from minorities has transformed the republican party from a free market, socially conservative entity into a white ethno-nationalist movement seeking one- party rule in perpetuity. When so much pain and injustice of society have been brought in light, America need a truth and reconciliation process. Only through a sincere effort to heal the wounds of America’s past and present will it be able to step into the future and live up to the ideals it was founded upon.

This is the 2nd post of a five-part series. Click here for the 3rd part.

This is a four-part series of “Seeking Restorative Justice in America”. Find the second part here (Seeking Restorative Justice in Society, Church and Politics), the third part here (Seeking Restorative Justice in America as an Asian Immigrant_Part1:Justice), and the fourth part here (Seeking Restorative Justice in America as an Asian Immigrant_Part2: Love).

It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings. — Wendell Berry

I write this letter from a baffled personal state, longing to do something and not knowing what to do. Ever since the tragic death of George Floyd happened, I was overwhelmed by countless floating emotions. I was angry by how he was murdered and charged to do something. But I also felt inadequate to do/say anything as an outsider who know very little about the issue of racism. I felt taken aback when I saw things like “silent is not an action, don’t be complacent, be on the right side of history.” But I also I felt frustrated by lack of acknowledgments on this matter from my close community. I was perplexed, confused and overwhelmed. The list goes on an on.

I decided to stand still in that heaviness. As I get myself educated on this matter, I was deeply blessed when coming across how other people are processing things. Learning other’s hearts/minds helped me to process such a n emotionally charged and complex matter. So this is my attempt to get the heavy heart off my chest and seeking to connect with people around me. Let me briefly warn you, I’m an Asian immigrant who’s been living in US for less than ten years and English isn’t my native language. So you might encounter many disjointed and rambling thoughts and grammar errors. Here we go.

A few voices that I’ve noticed

1. From White female: I confess that I don’t know much about the issue of racism. But I’d love to listen, learn and change.

2. From White/Asian/Black people: #BLM — Black life matters. Silent is not an option. Start doing something. Don’t be complacent.

Asian American Complicity in Racism: What many Asian Americans fail to realize is that our success is largely built on the backs of African Americans themselves. After all, if African American slavery did not exist, the United States may not have been such a desirable country to immigrate to. It was through the enslavement of African Americans that American prosperity was built in the first place.

3. From White female: BLM but how about looting? How about other lives? #Alllivesmatter #shutupanddribble

4. From White male: It’s hard for me to support BLM as I don’t see the spirit behind is fundamentally biblical.

I get that there’s an issue of Racism. However, the reason why I can’t support BLM (not as an individual level but the movement as a whole) or the spirit behind that (from what I understand) is that it’s not biblical .There’s no spirit of love/grace/self-reflection/repentance of one’s own wrongdoing there.

4. From Black male: I’m numb to the racism. I don’t want to engage much on social media. It’s tiring.

San, I’m trying to figure out how to discuss these issues with my daughter. Honestly, I’m numb to the racism. The frustrating part is everything that comes after…the politicizing, the disparate strategies, the fake advocacy, the narrative-building, etc. That’s the tiring piece.

5. From Black male: Social media hashtag wouldn’t do much. Sending empty email is offensive.

Collin Wallace: Please don’t send me emails of support, open the door

6. From Black female: The whole BLM movement is influenced and coerced by political forces. I refuge to engage and associate.

Casey Owens: George Floyd’s image is made up by media and used by left wing party

7. From Black Males: Racial injustice is overrated. We shouldn’t be using that as an excuse for the failure from our own behavior.

How do we get rid of racism? By stop talking about it.

8. From Black Christian: I’m exhausted but I have hope. And I’m so thankful for being who I am and how I was made.

Answering how am I doing after the traumatizing death of George Floyd is not easy at all. Engaging in this conversation without skepticism, hatred, fear, and pessimism needs tremendous amount of courage and deliberate efforts. But I’m not going to stop trying. I’m grieving but hoping that one day we can truly bear one another’s burden as we are all called to do.

9. From Asian Immigrant: I found it hypocritical for people to jump on an issue not fully knowing what they are saying.

Yes, Racism is bad but now that the killer policeman were convicted guilty, why are people still protesting? Many people I know were looted or living in the fear of looting. I don’t get why people are protesting, and I also don’t want to associate with those vocal voices on social media. I see a lot of “moral credentialing”.

10. From Asian American: It’s disappointing that some Asian American community still don’t engage in the conversation of racism. But I’m trying to understand them.

I found out that my parents generation don’t care much about these issues. Their community just don’t even acknowledge the issue of racism and that’s deeply disappointing. However, I’m trying to understand them. I realize I don’t have right to judge my parents generation given how much they’ve gone through to survive and to fit in.

Introducing Justice x Love Model

Here’s a simple 2×2 that matrix that I drew to make sense of different reactions. (Thank you Andy Crouch for giving me the inspiration on his article.) The vertical axis is Justice. The higher you are located in the vertical axis, the stronger you are seeking Justice. The horizontal axis is Love/Unity with others. This is where you seek to unite with people outside of your norm/community who holds different values. By definition, this is a status of being vulnerable. To name a few examples of this behavior;

• Ask questions and listen humbly: A genuine gesture to understand others
• Seeking Mercy (Ask for forgiveness): A humble acknowledgment around the area that you’ve wounded others, regardless of your intention
• Extending Grace (Forgive) and Favor: A patient and counter-intuitive gesture to forgive and extend favor (e.g. giving another chance)

Let me start from the quadrant 3. This is where there’s no justice seeking and no vulnerability. The goal of this attitude is to remain with the status of power. People here don’t actively engage in conversation. This attitudes come across as disrespectful, ignorant and indifferent. Practicing Racism belongs here. Coercing, manipulating, gaslighting belongs here. Looting belong here. This is where the afflictions, hurts, and wounds begin. This is what we need to get rid of.

How about quadrant 2— justice seeking without any love. “Self-righteous, Entitlement, Judging” belongs here. You are in an “Attack/Revenge” mode. This can be a natural reaction when facing injustice. Someone might say “Don’t ask me to seek unity and peace. Look at what we went through. It’s time to revenge”. The agenda here is to win over, and not to be unified. There is no vulnerability — listening, pausing, contemplating as these will be considered weak and off-putting.

Even if this might seem the most effective and righteous way to restore justice, there are a lot to be cautious. You can be easily captivated by your version of justice, and keep reinforcing your view by consuming identical views from people who you associate with. You can even easily be manipulated by the media and political parties whose goal is to evoke hatred to come across their agenda. When conflict continues, we often degrade each other, distorting each other’s motives and characters. This article clearly lays out how the conflict can be escalated.

1. Conflict arises when a collision of differences becomes a collision of wills. In other words, we allow the pursuit of our beliefs to become the pursuit of getting our way — or of ensuring that others do not get their way.
2. Our alarm at difference leads to degradation. When the differences of a person or group appear to pose a threat to what we believe is important, we degrade their status as persons. We define them as bad: if not morally bad, then bad for business.
3. Degradation leads to division. We believe it is bad to cooperate with bad. Thus we separate and distinguish ourselves from our opponents in order to stay pure, to stay right, or to stay safe.
4. Division increases distance. It generates two potential responses: fight, or flight. To manage the threat we might exercise some kind of force — whether verbal or social or legal tactics — or we might remove ourselves altogether from the discomfort of engaging with our opponents.
5. With distance comes distortion. The further apart we are, the less information we have about our opponents. To fill this vacuum we tell a story about our opponents, one that includes crime, plot and motive. Furthermore, stories are for telling, so we spread our unchecked assumptions and the resulting distortions and increase the likelihood that others too will distance themselves from our opponents.
6. Distortions legitimize destruction. The greater the distance and the distortion, the easier it is to objectify and dehumanize, then demonize, our opponent. The wickeder we judge our opponent to be, the more legitimate it becomes to subvert them, exclude them or, even, to harm them.

This is why we might need less news in times of apparent crisis as Andy Crouch says. He gave following reasons: First and above all, at times like this what we see on “the news” is less truly informative than ever. Second, in times of crisis “news” lacks almost all context. Third, violence and violation — the destruction of property, human dignity, and in the worst cases human health and human lives — is especially harmful to watch over and over.

Now, let’s look at the quadrant 4- seeking unity/love with others but not the justice. This position can be labeled as “weak/cowardice and even cooperative”. This is a position where you just submit, give up, or fail to engage. If a husband or wife just give up on another partner’s repeated violence, they belong here. If someone from African American says they’ve given up on restoring racial injustice, they might be in here.

Another version of 4td quadrant is an attitude to keep the status quo by asking the afflicted to make peace without seeking justice. When Martin Luther King fought for the African American’s rights, there were a huge group of church leaders who asked MLK to stop by saying things like “Seek Peace”. “Let the world handles worldly matter and focus on ‘souls’, spiritual matter.”. Silent majority, complacent and passive contributor belongs here. And in some cases, this can be even more offensive than quadrant 3 status. Often, people here says all the right thing and even make mourners justify their pain. That’s one of the most hurtful things, says Shai, a Black Christian hip-hop artist. He continues.

It’s about having what feels like genuine fellowship with my white brothers and sisters who share the same Reformed theology — until I mention racism, injustice, or police brutality, at which point I’m looked at skeptically as if I embrace a “social gospel” or am some kind of “liberal” or “social justice warrior.”

Finally, let’s talk about quadrant 1: seeking maximum justice with maximum vulnerability. I call it “Restorative Justice”. This is counter intuitive, which is supposed to be extremely hard. You are talking but you are listening. You are flexible but grounded. You are emotionally charged but sober-minded. You are angry but vulnerable.

I’ve seen this before. I’ve read this from the story that Nelson Mandela extended grace to his oppressor. More than anything else, I’ve seen this from the life of Jesus Christ. According to the Bible, he is the son of God. And he committed no wrong doing (in a biblical word, no sin). And he was crucified. Jesus’s action of submitting to death was to seeking maximum Justice — (Rom3:26 — he would be just and be justifier.) When Peter said to Jesus you should never be crucified (Matt 16:22), Jesus rebuked, saying it must be done. He understood that without paying the price, you can’t restore justice. At the same time, he demonstrated extreme love and vulnerability in doing so (Phi 2:6–8 though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.)

The justice in quadrant 1 might seem not enough compared to quadrant 2 justice seeking; it can come across as slow, weak, and even offensive. When Nelson Mandela extended the gesture of grace to white authorities, a huge number of his direct supporters who wanted their version of justice were deeply offended. The justice in Jesus’ era was to fight against the oppressive Roman empire and those who are on their side such as tax collectors. Jesus didn’t seek that seemingly the most urgent and the most obvious justice.

Also, the seeking love in quadrant 1 might seem risky from quadrant 3 point of view. Those who’ve hurt by repeated racism might say to those engage in the #BLM conversation saying “Don’t you try anymore. You will be disappointed. Things will not change.”. This kind of “truthful” love can be extremely risky as it’s vulnerable. Truth seeking can offend others and rub your scar even harder. This is why it requires enormous amount of courage. Jesus showed his anger multiple times in his ministry: towards the Pharisees (hypocrites), towards the injustice (merchants at the temple), etc. He didn’t shy away from conflicts nor he feared people with authority. When Jesus met the woman in the well (John 4), Jesus confronted her with the biggest issue she’s been hiding behind. Jesus chose to love even when he foreknew that he will be betrayed by his disciples.

However, the true restoration and reconciliation only comes when we practice quadrant 1 model. During my marriage, we’ve often fought in quadrant 2 (revenge) or quadrant 4 (give up, disengage) which only escalated the division or neglected the wound. However, there were moments that we were both in quadrant 1. My wife shared once she was extremely hurt by me not being present but she wants to reconcile the matter with me. There was a time I found myself deeply wounded by certain remarks from her, but instead of secretly judging internally, I shared where I was hurt and asked her to recognize my feelings. It was extremely hard every time we pushed ourselves to practice this because this opens up our secret brokenness and make us to face it, which takes time and courage. However, the true healing and restoration only came after when we were at quadrant 1 mode.

This is a four-part series. Click here for the 2nd part